Posts by bellem1

bellem1

Dec 16, 2012

Undergraduate / Columbia Supplement #1 - meaningful books, publications or cultural events [2]

I think you spend a little too long talking about the content of the book instead of what you learned from it. Expand on your experience of giving up fast food. Were you ever tempted by the smell before remembering that it wasn't the smell of potatoes? Something like that. Maybe talk more about how this is going to affect your life in the future, other than creating a lack of fast food in your diet. Will you try to eat more healthily instead of just not eating fast food? Will you try to change the way the meatpacking industry works?

Other than that, this is great. It's lighthearted but not so much so as to make it too informal. Just expand on why this book is meaningful to you and you'll be good to go.

bellem1

Dec 15, 2012

Undergraduate / I lived in 10 different houses in 7 different cities in four countries;Tufts Supp [3]

There is a Quaker saying: ''Let your life speak.'' Describe the environment in which you were raised-your family, home, neighborhood, or community-and how it influenced the person you are today. (200-250 words)

I'm the eldest of three girls. My mother used to be an accountant but now she's a stay-at-home mom who is starting an organic icing business, and my dad has a masters' degree in geology but now works for a hedge fund in London. I was born in the small city of London, Ontario, and in a roundabout way I have ended up in the (slightly larger) city of London, England. I've lived in ten different houses in seven different cities in four countries and on three continents. You could say I've had an interesting life.

Having moved around a lot, I can adapt quickly to new situations. While in Peru, I learned how to speak Spanish and my family got a dog. After being in love with the idea of having a cat for the first ten years of my life, I can now say with complete certainty that I am a dog person. Suburban life in Denver reintroduced me to contemporary culture after four years of relative isolation in Peru. Finally, there's London: one of my favourite cities in the world. London has revealed the fact that I am a city dweller. One of my favourite things to do is just wander around with my best friend, with no plan and minimal GPS use. We've stumbled upon some amazing places. Over the years, I've learned to love change rather than fear it. I get bored if I'm doing the same thing all day every day. After five years here, I'm ready for a change. I do heartily agree with Samuel Johnson's quote "A man who is tired of London is tired of life," but I'm not tired of London. It will always be here for me to come back to, and that knowledge gives me the freedom to spread my wings and learn how to fly.

I showed it to my college counsellor and he said it needs a "unifier": any ideas on what that could be? Thanks in advance for any feedback!

bellem1

Nov 25, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Filipina and a booming laugh' - UC on overcoming cancer [3]

It's memories like these that give me composure, especially since my father'swas diagnosed with cancer.

She ~~being~~is my inspiration, and I reassure her that I'll go into medicine, as she hoped, but by applying ~~my aspirations in~~myself to the study of bioengineering.

Other than those little things, this essay is amazing. You give us a vivid picture of your home life and your parents. We can see how you've been influenced by each of them and that you leave home with parts of each of their spirit instilled in you. I would say this is definitely UC worthy. Great job!

bellem1

Nov 25, 2012

Undergraduate / 'finding people like her' - Why Tufts? [6]

Which aspects of Tufts' curriculum or undergraduate experience prompt your application? In short: ''Why Tufts?'' (Suggested length is 50-100 words.)

I'll be honest: when my college counsellor mentioned Tufts in the spring of my junior year as one of the schools I should look at, I thought he was insane. I'm not sure where I got this idea, but I was convinced that I wouldn't like it. However, I visited the campus the summer after Grade 11 and completely changed my mind. I loved the campus, the atmosphere and the surrounding area. My tour guide, Jasmine, was the best I had in my week of college touring. She was bubbly and enthusiastic, and I decided that if I could find people like her at Tufts, then Tufts was a place at which I could see myself.

I'm not sure if I really answered the prompt here-I mean, I feel like I answered the "Why Tufts?" part, but I don't think I really got across anything about the curriculum or undergraduate experience. Should I talk about that? And if so, what can I take out to keep it around 100 words? It's currently 116, which I think is fine, but if I start talking about curriculum or anything else I'll have to take something else out.

bellem1

Nov 25, 2012

Undergraduate / TEXAS B: - CHINA AS A GLOBAL SUPERPOWER [2]

You switch between past and present tense a lot in this essay. Pick one and stick with it. I recommend sticking to present tense, but that's just me.

They always tell me that they never would have I am bound to be rich in the future.

I'm not sure what you were trying to get at here, but this sentence doesn't make sense.

And when I order my food in Chinese at a Chinese restaurant the waiters are just as shocked. They tell me that they never would have expected me to be able to speak Chinese.

I like that you're using personal anecdotes in your essay but this one feels kind of random, like you just threw it in for fun. We know people are shocked when they find out you can speak Chinese; you told us that in the sentence before. Either tell us why this experience is different and important enough to have a special mention in your essay, or take it out.

I plan to always use Chinese in the future and I always want be connected to China, regardless of its economic status whether I am just a businessman in China or whether I am the Secretary of State who is visiting China to have a meeting with the president of China.

The emergence of China as a global super power has shaped my past, present, and will eventually shape my future.

This is kind of an awkward conclusion. I think you should just say that you want to continue to use Chinese wherever life may take you. You don't really need to say that you might be a businessman or Secretary of State or whatever. Keep it simple.

Overall, this essay is really strong. It's well written in general, although you have a few little erros that disrupt the flow. I'm not entirely sure what the prompt was since you didn't explicitly state it, but judging by your title I'm guessing it asked you to discuss an issue of importance and how it relates to you. If I'm right here, then I think you've half-answered the prompt. If your "issue of importance" is going to be China as a global superpower, then you should talk about China as a global superpower, why you feel this is an issue, and why you feel it is important. If you add in stuff about that, then you'll be golden.

bellem1

Nov 24, 2012

Undergraduate / 'molecular and computational biology - academic interests USC short response [8]

Overall this is a strong response. However, I would advise that you don't use phrases that make it sound like you have already been accepted, which I'm assuming you haven't. Confidence is good, but you don't want to sound arrogant.

When I attend USC, I plan to major in Biological Sciences or Human Biology at the College of Letters, Arts and Sciences.

Maybe say "If I am admitted to USC, I plan to major in..."

I plan to pursue a degree in Biological Sciences to later attend USC's Keck School of Medicine. I decided to major in Biological Sciences because it has three specialties, of those three I plan to choose an emphasis in molecular and computational biology.

As it is now, this part of your essay is a little awkwardly worded. I think you should start by saying that you hope to eventually attend USC's Keck School of Medicine, and then go on to say that this is one of the reasons that you would like to major in Biological Sciences. Then you could say that another reason is that it has three specialities, of which you would choose molecular and computational biology.

By taking Human Biology I will be able to focus more on the human organism, which will be of great help since I will become a pediatrician.

Again with sounding a bit full of yourself. I think you should say something like "Taking Human Biology will allow me to focus on the human organism, which will help me achieve my goal of becoming a pediatrician.

bellem1

Nov 24, 2012

Undergraduate / "great ocean of truth" - Essay on Sherlock Holmes's influence [4]

Wow! This essay is one of the best I've read in a while. The only thing I would say is that you switch back and forth between present and past tense when talking about what happens in the books, so pick one and stick with it. Other than that, it's great! Good job!

bellem1

Nov 23, 2012

Undergraduate / 'In co-ed schools all my life' - Why Barnard? [2]

Prompt: How did you first learn about Barnard College and what factors have influenced your decision to apply? Why do you think the College would be a good match for you?

When my college counsellor mentioned Barnard as a school consider in the spring of my junior year, I reluctantly agreed to research it, having privately decided that an all-girls' institution would not be the place for me. I've been in co-ed schools all my life, I told myself, and so far I've turned out just fine. Why would I want to leave that? But I had a change of heart after reading an article in the school newspaper's last issue of the year. My school has recently begun to make more of an effort to achieve gender equity, and a friend of mine had written an article on the issue. In it, she talked about her experience in an all-girls' school in New York, and the line that resonated with me was that in her school, "There was no problem screaming unabashedly to get a point across." I've always been pretty reserved, but in the past few years I've realised that sharing my thoughts can be a good thing and have become more outspoken. So I began reconsidering the idea of a Barnard experience. The flexibility of the education appealed to me, as I am undecided as to what I want to study. I loved the idea of graduating with a strong network of alumni who truly want to help each other out. All this and more contributed to my decision that Barnard could be the place for me.

I'm not sure if I focus too much on the whole co-ed vs all-girls thing and not enough on what I actually think about the college. Also, it's supposed to be 1000 characters and it's currently at 1288, so if you have any ideas on what I could take out, that would be great. Thanks for your feedback!

bellem1

Nov 23, 2012

Undergraduate / 'graduating high school being pregnant' - The world I come from [4]

Imagine graduating high school pregnant, where you're not able to participate in high school activities or have fun with your friends. Senior year is always portrayed to be a fun and easy year full of adventure. All that fun and adventure is taken away when you have the responsibility to raise a baby.

This is good, but to make it draw the reader in more, you could say it like this: "Imagine graduating high school and not being able to participate in high school activities or have fun with your friends. Senior year is always portrayed to be a fun and easy year full of adventure. All that fun and adventure is taken away when you have the responsibility to raise a baby." You want to make sure the reader wants to keep reading your essay.

The only other thing I would say is that in the middle paragraph, some of your sentences are a bit choppy and it disrupts the flow of the story. Maybe try to combine some sentences. You could try to relate the two organisations you volunteer for, by saying something like "My mother helped me become an advocate for youth health through organisations like Day One and Ideal Youth," and then going into what you've learned from being at each organisation. Other than that, this essay is great! You do a great job of keeping the reader engaged and showing us how you and your mom are both so proud of each other. Good luck!

bellem1

Nov 23, 2012

Undergraduate / Johns Hopkins Supplement - "From Inspiration to Biochemistry" [6]

John Hopkins would truly facilitate my interest

It's Johns Hopkins, not John Hopkins. Misspelling the name of the school in your essay will not get you in, I guarantee it.

At John Hopkins, I wish to major in Biology with a concentration in Biochemistry at the Bloomberg School of Public

Again with Johns/John Hopkins. Also, the Bloomberg School of Public what?

Overall this essay is well written but you have some mistakes that make it look like you don't care enough to proofread. My advice is to get someone else to read it who hasn't been looking at it the whole time and see what they come up with. I think you get your point across very eloquently and your ideas are good, but the essay needs some serious proofreading.

bellem1

Nov 22, 2012

Undergraduate / 'I was elected captain of my cross country team' Extracurricular short answer [3]

Prompt: Discuss the significance to you of the school or summer activity in which you have been most involved.

In the fall of 2012, I was elected captain of my cross country team, an honour that I hope I have been successful in wearing. We have always had amazing leaders, but those who were the captains my freshman year had a particularly strong influence on me, and one in particular continues to inspire me today. I could not have asked for a better role model for my first year on cross country than Bonny. She always went above and beyond to help everyone on the team improve, often putting others' improvement ahead of her own. It is because of her that I stuck with cross country, and I'm glad I did. My team is my second family, and I love them more than anything. In my junior year, I started thinking about qualities of a good captain, thinking that if I were fortunate enough to become one my senior year, I would be able to give back to the team that has given me so much. And along the same line, I might be able to help a shy new runner find their niche, just as Bonny helped me find mine.

I feel like this might not focus enough on the significance of cross country-any suggestions? Thanks in advance for any feedback!

bellem1

Nov 22, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Machines, tubes, wheelchairs'. Georgetown short answer. [3]

I actually think you should keep the sentence about how you react to seeing the sick kids-it makes the essay more relatable. Overall this is really good. I agree that you should expand a little more on what you were doing at the hospital and how it impacted you, and maybe also talk about how it's changed your perception of sick kids (you touch briefly on it with your last sentence but I think it could be a lot more powerful if you delved into that more).

bellem1

Sep 28, 2012

Undergraduate / 'My dream is to become a trauma surgeon' Describe yourself - college essay [3]

Overall, this is a great essay and I don't think you went off topic at all-I think it definitely accomplishes the task of letting the admissions officers get to know you better. A few suggestions:

I think I would take out the part about being fascinated by the underwater world and your favourite animals. It's not bad, it just seems like you're setting up to write about wanting to be a marine biologist rather than a surgeon.

I have people often describe me as always happy and smiling, kind-hearted, and easy-going. My easy-going attitude is because of my favorite quote, "Diamonds are made under pressure." I love to challenge myself and attempt tasks that others believe to be too difficult; this results in a lot of pressure that, at times, can be overwhelming.

This kind of contradicts itself-when you think of someone who is extremely easy-going, you don't think of people who put a lot of pressure on themselves. I think I get what you're trying to say, but maybe separate the fact that you're easygoing and the fact that you do well under pressure.

Finally, in your last sentence, I think you should just take out the part about how going to UNCG would get you out of Florida-maybe change it to say that going to UNCG would give you a new perspective that you couldn't get in Florida, a change of scenery, etc.

bellem1

Sep 28, 2012

Undergraduate / 'An incredible bond with an amazing group of people' Common App Essay -FIRST Robotics [3]

Ok, I've edited it a bit so here is the updated version. It's still a little long although not as much so, but still let me know what you think I should take out. A note on the spellings: I've spelled some things the British way so they have an s instead of a z. I'm more interested in hearing about content than errors in spelling and grammar as I can fix those without having to get outside input.

"Eighteen, eighteen, eighteen eighty-four! Eighteen, eighteen, eighteen eighty-four!" I chant in unison with my team. No, we're not at a basketball game. We're at a regional event for the FIRST Robotics Competition (FRC). As the buzzer signals the end of our second semi final match, we erupt like a volcano. For the first time in the history of the team, we've made it to the finals. While the officials reset the field, I drift off in thought.

About thirteen months earlier, I was lying in a hospital bed, tears welling up in my eyes as I read the thermometer by my bed. I had been there for a week with a nasty case of pneumonia, and was planning to go and visit the robotics team to see their progress. Sadly, with a fever that high, there was no way I was getting out of there anytime soon. At that point, I came to terms with the fact that I was probably not going to get better in time to go with the team to the regional. I was devastated, but I was not going to take the experience of being on robotics for granted anymore. I vowed that nothing would get in the way of my being at that regional the next year with the best robot at the competition.

Flash forward to Saturday, January 7, 2012. Kickoff. Today we find out what we'll be working on for the next six weeks. I get to school at 2:45, US history textbook in tow. I grab a piece of pizza, say hi to a few friends, then go and study in a corner until the broadcast starts. When we finally get to the big reveal, we sit up a little straighter and the noise level drops down to zero. Pens are poised to write down key points of the rules. As we figure out what the game is all about and divide into groups to brainstorm, I look around and think to myself, this is our year.

Nine weeks later, the team is silent in the stands. We've just lost our second match of the finals series, which means that the other finalists have won the regional. I step outside for a moment to think. Obviously, I'm disappointed. I feel like I should be angry, too, that there is some excuse I should be making for why we didn't win. But I'm not angry, and the only explanation that comes to mind is that the reason we didn't win is that the other finalists were better than us. What I should be doing now, I tell myself, is going inside, shaking the other teams' hands, and looking at their robots to see what they did better than us. Robotics isn't all about winning, I remind myself. Our team has never won a regional before. We hadn't even come close until this year. The reason I do this, I remind myself, is sitting right inside that door. That group of people is the reason I don't mind having to be in the build room 22 plus hours a week. They're the reason I'm willing to sit in one place for hours at a time, whether I'm there with a friend and a mentor designing a key part of the robot or I'm on my own painting bumpers. I remind myself that I choose to give up my normal life from January to March to spend all my spare time doing things that will help the team do better. When I'm sitting at my computer at 3 AM on a Tuesday, trying to finish that last assignment, I remind myself that this is the reward. An incredible bond with an amazing group of people, and an opportunity to learn things I couldn't learn anywhere else.

Emily Bell

bellem1

Sep 8, 2012

Undergraduate / 'An incredible bond with an amazing group of people' Common App Essay -FIRST Robotics [3]

I feel like this essay might be a bit clichïd in partsïany ideas how I can make it less so? Also, it's far too longïwhat should I take out?

"Eighteen, eighteen, eighteen eighty-four! Eighteen, eighteen, eighteen eighty-four!" I chanted in unison with my team. We're sitting in the stands watching matches, shouting until we can't even manage a whisper and then shouting some more. No, we're not at a basketball game. We're at a regional competition for the FIRST Robotics Competition (FRC). As the buzzer signals the end of our second semi final, we erupt like a volcano. For the first time in the history of the team, we've made it to the finals. While the officials reset the field, I drift off in thought.

About thirteen months earlier, I was lying in a hospital bed, tears welling up in my eyes as I read the thermometer by my bed. I had been there for a week with a nasty case of pneumonia, and was planning to go and visit the robotics team to see their progress. Sadly, with a fever like that, there was no way I was getting out of there anytime soon. I was devastated. I hadn't been to a meeting in three weeks (which is half of an FRC season), so there was no way I would be going to competition. "I probably wouldn't even be out of this dump by the time they leave, even if they did want me to come!" I wailed to her. I did get out in time, but I hadn't been cleared to fly yet, so had to stay home nonetheless. The entire week that my team was away, I didn't talk to anyone. Each day I would go to school, come home, watch the competition while doing my homework, eat dinner, and then go to bed. I vowed that nothing would get in my way of being at that competition the next year with the best robot at the competition.

Flash forward to Saturday, January 7, 2012. Kickoff. Today we find out what we'll be working on for the next six weeks. I get to school at 2:45, US history textbook in tow. I grab a piece of pizza, say hi to a few friends, then go and study in a corner until the broadcast starts, and well into it as I only half-listen to the seemingly endless speeches. They're all superb; the organisers know that their audience is a bunch of teenagers who really just want to know what game they'll be playing in the spring, and it's evident they've kept this in mind. Still, we all groan dramatically whenever another speaker shows up on screen. When they finally get to the big reveal, we sit up a little straighter and the noise level drops down to zero. Pens are poised to write down key points of the rules. As we figure out what the game is all about and divide into groups to brainstorm, I look around and think to myself, this is our year.

Nine weeks later, the team is silent in the stands. We've just lost our second match of the finals series, which means that the other finalists have won the regional. We clap for them, in the spirit of sportsmanship, but we are still coming down from the adrenaline rush of the deciding match and haven't really realised what has happened yet. I step outside for a moment to think. Obviously, I'm disappointed. I feel like I should be angry, too, that there is some excuse I should be making for why we didn't win. But I'm not angry, and the only explanation that comes to mind is that the reason we didn't win is that the other finalists were better than us. Robotics isn't all about winning, I remind myself. Our team had never won a regional before. We hadn't even come close until this year. The reason I do this, I remind myself, is sitting right inside that door. That group of people is the reason I don't mind being in the build room 22 hours a week. They're the reason I'm willing to sit and design cool features of the robot or sit in one place for hours at a time painting bumpers. I remind myself that I choose to give up my normal life from January to March to spend all my spare time doing things that will help the team do better. When I'm sitting at my computer at 3 AM on a Tuesday, trying to finish that last assignment, I remind myself that this is the reward. An incredible bond with an amazing group of people, and an opportunity to learn things I couldn't learn anywhere else.

bellem1

Sep 8, 2012

Undergraduate / "Strenght lies in differences, not in similarities" - International Student [26]

The only thing I would suggest is that you reword your last sentence-at the moment it doesn't make much sense. Maybe say something about how your life experiences have taught you about strength in differences and the importance of diversity. Other than that, this seems like a fantastic essay. Great job!

bellem1

Aug 27, 2012

Book Reports / [Letter from a Birmingham Jail vs. Malcolm X] - Compare and Contrast Essay [3]

One thing I noticed was that you referred alternately to "Martin Luther King, Jr" and "Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr". A minor issue, I know, but you should probably standardise that. Otherwise I think it's really good; your writing flows nicely and it gives the reader a good idea of what the rest of the essay will be about. As far as your first body paragraph, I think if you don't specifically use the word diction to start the paragraph (i.e. say it has a different tone, mood, etc) it shouldn't sound too repetitive.

bellem1

Aug 27, 2012

Undergraduate / "Just ten more steps" - Common App Short: essay on my experience in cross country [4]

This is my first draft of the short answer portion of the Common App (Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences). I'm worried it's too much of a narrative and not "deep" enough-thoughts? What else should I put in besides the story?

"Just ten more steps," I tell myself. "You can do it. Ten more." I round the corner to get out of the forest. It's the last cross country meet of the season for me. "Ok, Emily, pick it up, you're so close!" my pacer calls out. I force myself to go a little faster. We reach the road and head across to the field to finish our race. "Come on, Emily, you've got it! Go! Go! Go!" My team gathers to make a line of encouragement stretching to the finish line. I muster every last drop of energy and sprint to the finish. Upon crossing, I collapse for a moment, unable to move. I get up and give my teammate and pacer a hug. "Thank you so much. I couldn't have done it without you," I tell her. Then we walk together to join the aforementioned line of encouragement. Two more girls have races to finish. I get a few congratulations, but we all know how important it is to feel supported in a race. Not only are we a team, we are a family, and it is a family I am honoured to be a part of.