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Posts by Shoko0229
Joined: Nov 4, 2012
Last Post: Dec 31, 2012
Threads: 4
Posts: 14  
Likes: 3
From: Japan

Displayed posts: 18
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Shoko0229   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / My reality after my best friend committed suicide; Common App/ Significant Influence [18]

Hi, thanks for helping me with my essay for Grinnell.

Your story is so great. It's really touching and it conveys your feelings very well.
Though it first seems to focus on the event itself too much as some say, I think you've explained its influence on you enough through the detailed description of the process of your thoughts. It shows your change and resolution nicely.

But you should definetely do something about the confusing "he"s as everyone says.

Hope it helped:) Good luck!
Shoko0229   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / I want the real insight into Turkish / Grinnell Supplement; People I'd like to know [3]

Hi, if you have time, can you help me with my essay for Grinnell, please! I'll read yours in return.
The word limit is 250, but I have already 284... Do you think that's too long?
Thanks!

---
It was when I studied about Ottoman Empire in my World History class that my interest in Turkey launched. The culture as the mixture of Asian and European, mysterious Islam, the powerless ending after World War I--- all strongly grabbed my heart. Since then, I was absorbed in learning about Turkey by myself.

Thus, I was exultant when I encountered a Turkish girl in an international camp program. I immediately spoke to her and talked about Turkey a lot. I felt pleasure in that my knowledge was real and being deepened right then.

On one occasion, in eating dinner, I asked her,
"Don't you Muslims really eat pork?"
"No, because the Koran tells us not to."
"That's because pork is believed to be unholy, right?"
"Yes. In fact, it has lots of bacteria."
"That's true for all raw meats, but they die when heated anyway," I said half in jest. But from her face disappeared her friendly smile.

"Pork is abnormal. It has special stigma."
It was shocking for me. I had known Muslims consider pork stigmatic, but I might have not believed that somewhere in my heart. I realized what I had known was just facts, not the reality of the people who seriously follow the principle, the substance of a culture. I had understood nothing about Turkey, after all.

Each people has different philosophy. Though it is easy to get knowledge about other doctrines, it is sometimes difficult to understand and accept them. However, one cannot "know" them in the genuine meaning without achieving the latter. All the more because I have huge information about Turkey, I am eager to interact directly with Turkish, to advance from corporeal facts to human insight.
Shoko0229   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / Hispanic spirit; Grinnell App; Culture/People I like to get to know about? [5]

Hi, I'm also applying to Grinnell! Hope we'll meet there:)
Though your essay has some grammar mistakes (as koliva223 has pointed out), your story is interesting and conveys your passion to Latin culture very well. But one thing I doubt is if you need to conclude your essay in such a way--- I mean, the promt simply asks you "What place, people, or culture would you like to get to know better and why?" So I suggest you rewrite it.

Good luck!
Shoko0229   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / Choosing intellectual engagement; Bowdoin supplement [7]

Hi, thanks for helping me with my essay for UW Madison.

You have a very interesting and unique story. It shows you are matured and interested. I love it!
But one thing I'd suggest is to mention why you find Bowdoin's students full of desire for intellectual engagement. "Bowdoin" can be replced with the names of some other colleges in your essay now. If you've contacted any almuni or current students, or visited the campus, mention the experience then. Even if you haven't had such opportunities, you should show the reason.

Good luck:)
Shoko0229   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / Research opportunities and the campus nature; UW- Madison/ Why UW-Madison? [3]

Hello, here is my essay for UW Madison. I don't like my conclusion, but have no idea what to do. If you leave any suggestions, I'll read yours in return!

Thanks!
----
Propmt: Tell us why you decided to apply to the University of Wisconsin-Madison. In addition, share with us the academic, extracurricular, or research opportunities you would take advantage of as a student. If applicable, provide details of any circumstance that could have had an impact on your academic performance and/or extracurricular involvement.

When I was a small girl, I often begged by parents to take me to zoos; I loved the animals themselves there, the smell of them (though some say it is bad), and their easygoing way of life of simply following their instinct and curiosity. I loved watching elephants showering each other, monkeys playing, koalas sleeping, snakes staring at me, giraffes standing against the blue sky. The zoo was the wonder land for me, where my dream of living with the nature came true.

After more than ten years, my interest in the nature has developed to my dream to become a biophysicist in the future. In studying and being fascinated to the fundamental mechanisms of life in biology class and the fundamental mechanism of the universe in physics class, it has been very easy for me to imagine what amazing things would be revealed if biology refers to physics. Now I am eager to conduct research in biophysics and share the interesting discoveries about my dear organisms with the whole society in the future.

University of Wisconsin-Madison is the ideal place to realize my dream. At Madison's biochemistry department, students are offered a precious opportunity of studying the basis of biological studies with the prodigious faculty and vast cutting-edge facilities. I am especially drawn to the chance to assist the present research of the world's leading faculty there. I am eager to learn from them not only technical lab skills, but also essential qualities as a scientist such as logical and critical thinking, tenacity, and curiosity. I expect a time of substantial learning of what a professional scientist is like from the live models through direct contact with them. I will take a good and important step to my career as a biophysicist at Madison.

As I pursue biophysics as a researcher, I have one thing that I always want to have in mind: my love for the nature. Today, most biological research can be completed within "artificial" environment, using sample organisms for those taken from the nature, incubators for natural growth environment, and electron microscope for human bare eyes. This is the inevitable result of the progress of biology. However, originally, my dream started with my passion and wonder toward the beautiful miracle of the nature; my identity as a scientist lies in my love of the "natural" nature. If I totally indulge myself in unnatural experiments, I would lose my purpose and motivation to my research. For me, my exploration of organisms makes the real sense with my love to them.

When I first looked at photos of Madison's campus, I was instantly mesmerized by its beauty. "Wow, the campus is full of green and directly faces the beautiful large lake!" Humans and the nature live together there. I can always feel, touch, enjoy, and interact with the nature and organisms. Madison is the place where I always remember my original motive as a scientist, and am encouraged even further to my future dream.

I will really enjoy the wonderful research experience under renowned faculty and the life in the great nature at Madison. After my four years there, I will be ready to be a skilled, thoughtful, interested, and motivated biophysicist, and contribute to the society with my discoveries.
Shoko0229   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / The most prestigious; BU supp/ "Why Boston University" [4]

BU's mission statement says that BU is "committed to educating students to be reflective, resourceful individuals ready to live, adapt, and lead in an interconnected world." I am a student who fits these criteria and am ready to lead and make a difference in this world.

This part should be more specific. Why do you think you fit the criteria? Why do you want to make a difference? How would you do that?

Besides this fact,

redundant. How about simply "Besides,"
Shoko0229   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Values / Commitment to the community service; SWARTHMORE App/ Why Swarthmore? [4]

I think you should be more specific. Yours is like a college catalog now---just listing Swarthmore's unique points. It actually shows that you've done research about it, but that's all. It doesn't show you are a good fit to it. What one (or two at most) point(s) about Swarthmore appeals to you the MOST? Why is it so fascinating to you?
Shoko0229   
Dec 19, 2012
Undergraduate / Producing props for drama! Common App- Extracurricular activities [3]

Prompt: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below. (1000characters)

First, I imagined the ideal finish of the prop I was about to produce; what role would it play in the drama; what expression is it to convey to the audience? Then I considered how, how I could attain the goal only with old newspapers and cardboard, and paint and watercolor for coloring. I could not use almost anything priced because of the lack of fund of our drama club. This regulation seemed to me to be a critical barrier for our production at first, but it was really a period of freedom and originality that visited me at this moment. Thanks to our unspecialized materials, I had enormous possibilities to make my ideal come true with my own technique, experience, imagination, and creativity all freely and voluntarily combined. If I fail, I could simply try again. I tried, retried, and tried until I reached the end with tenacity and joy. Making props with simple stuff made me wholeheartedly indulge myself in my ideal and spontaneously pursue it.

---
I am worried it might give an impression that I am a perfectionist, but I simply want to express the pleasure of working to make my ideal come true.

What do you guys think? Is it working?
Also, any gramatical corrections and wording improvement is welcome!
Thank you!
Shoko0229   
Dec 19, 2012
Undergraduate / Degree in Computer Science; Purdue Essay /Goals [4]

Though you clearly mention your personal goal, you say nothing about how Purdue helps you achieve your it. Your essay still makes sense even if you replace "Purdue" with "UC" for exaple. You need to research Purdue engineering program more in depth and think about what unique points of it helps reach your future goal.

Good luck!
Shoko0229   
Dec 19, 2012
Undergraduate / My Love For puzzles, MIT Personality Essay - Feedback [5]

I love your essay! I was especially impressed by your first point, about throwing away for a time.
Your essay has some important points, but it has some gramatical mistakes.

a new idea on the TI-84 Puzzle Pack, all help ameliorate the harshness of a difficult problem, besides sometimes puzzles are just too hard for one person's brain to handle.

"besides" is not a conj. You have to use "and" instead, or separate this sentence into two.
And I can't really understand what you are trying to say by:

all help ameliorate the harshness of a difficult problem

to not dismiss even the most tangible idea

--> not to dismiss even the most tangible ideas

And here are my suggestions of wording.

My love for puzzles had taught me many things. It taught me it is okay to throw away the pyramid puzzle pieces from frustration. As I am a human and more often than not, frustration will get me.

This is kind of redundant. How about this:
My love for puzzles had taught me many things. I now know it is okay to throw away the pyramid puzzle pieces from frustration. As I am a human, frustration gets me sometimes.

This let me to form the C3L6 chemistry challenge group

--> This led me to...

Good luck!
Shoko0229   
Nov 22, 2012
Writing Feedback / benefits and drawbacks of studying abroad...argumentative essay [2]

However, as a coin has two sides,this situationstudying abroad brings both benefits and drawbacks.
The advantages of getting a professional or research degree abroad are very vast.
Firstly, when students from under developed countries, where schools are deprived of experienced teachers and advanced teaching equipment, go abroad for studies, they get an oppurtunity to study in an educational system which is more modern as comparedthanto the education systemthat in their country.

Secondly, students with a foreign degree get a very well-paidpaying jobs as foreign education is mostly referred to as modern education.
Furthermore, in some cases a student who goes to a country with an entirely different culture and lives there independently develops a sense of maturityindependence and confidence as he tries to settle in the unusualunfamiliar environment.

Another benefit of studying abroad is that students can learn a foreign language and master ita foreign languageas oral practice of the language is my more efficient than learning it in class.as they inevitably use it every day

Foreign education being more advanced than the education in developing countries is very expensive and thus a financial burden is imposed on the families of students studying abroad and the families often take loans to pay the tuition fee.Also students have to find accommodation to live in and will have to pay for it while they are studying.

--> Expensive education and housing in developed countries often force the students' families to get a tremendous loan.
The most important disadvantageserious problem of studying abroad is that many high potential and talented students go to study abroad as they are offered free education and after completing their education they find a well paid job in that country and thus settle there. do not return home even after completing their education, but settle their new home with good jobs.

Due to thisAs a result, many developing countries losehave lost many individuals withwho were to bring technical skills and knowledge to the developed countriesthere .

Another disadvantage is that students have to stay away from their families while studying, and thus, sometimes feel lonely or home sick sometimes .

It is so wordy. Perhaps you should rewrite the whole essay.
Shoko0229   
Nov 22, 2012
Undergraduate / 'The New Kid' - UC Personal Statement Prompt #2 [13]

Why do you use "people" instead of "my teammates" or "my classmates?"

As to the conclusion, I prefer the first one. But I think you should mention your "confidence" you gained from the experience as clear evidence for your resolution to challenge barrieres in the future, as you do in the second one.

I am applying to UC, too! Hope we both will be successful:)
Shoko0229   
Nov 4, 2012
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay! Leave commnets and edits! Topic of your choice. [4]

Topic: Topic of your choice.

I am proud of my love of learning. I have been learning academically and mundanely since I was born, and have come to know tremendous interesting facts, which direct and enrich my current and future life. Learning is what I cherish the most in life, and therefore I am confident about my original thought towards learning.

Learning is like a baby. A baby is joy itself. When a stork finally brings the long-awaited pleasant gift, everyone is inevitably gleeful. Mother is filled with relief and delight of having accomplished a major event in life with ineffably deep affection to the fresh entity to which she devotes herself since then. Father cannot help appreciating his wife for having managed to create their treasure, with the realization of getting another purpose in his life. The gift from God makes people around him joyful without any reason; it is a human instinct to be happy when a baby is born.

Learning has the same wondrous ability. While it can be from trivial to astonishing, any learning is a significant occurrence. It regularly causes certain revolution in one's perspective and personality by informing one of something unfamiliar, bringing about an unhackneyed view. It can also serve as a subject of life-long dedication. Absorption to something fills a life with hope and future, as it constantly provides something to tackle seriously. Furthermore, it engenders admiration to the past wisdom and creates a serene, deep emotion in one's mind apart from busy, quotidian reality. With these positive feelings, one imperatively experiences the joy of learning, and cannot but to hope to experience this comfortable emotional condition again and again; it is human instinct to be happy when learning comes about.

Just as parenting requires responsibility for watching for and raising the child until his maturity, learning imposes on one to take responsibility for contributing to the social good with the gained knowledge. Whether the forms of utilization can be direct usage of informing what one has learned and sharing the joy with others, or its practical application to the real world, this duty is not a light load at all. However, just as the moving growth of the baby apparently surpasses the difficulty of plenty of work to be done to complete the obligation, the pleasantness of learning and fulfilling the responsibility is much more significant and marvelous than the painstaking process of social and natural duty. The most appeal of childrearing comes from its heavy responsibility. Likewise, the fascination of learning is maximized with its hard mission, rather than vitiated by it.

Learning is originally something that makes a life affluent and worth living like a baby. But, these days, fewer people are aware of this nature of learning as opportunities for study to become more insignificant. All the more for this recent blunt perception of learning, I am confident about my notion of learning, and would like to love learning properly for all my life.
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