Undergraduate / Very rough, very cliche essay (significant experience). Common App [16]

"Ok so, please murder this essay!"

That shouldn't be a problem when you ask nicely.

First off, let me be one of the early people to clear your head of any misconception that your high school GPA should warrant more attention than a mosquito bite.

I admire your first few sentences for diverging from what is usual -- in other words for not being insipid. You seem to imply that the voice of this generation will derive from the larynx of a genius. Again, this is curious because I never thought of the ambassador for our generation as a scholar or philosopher. Anyway, we have an essay to murder.

The bell rang, and my teacher began by expressing to us the importance of trying hard and setting out what was expected of us in terms of dedication and work ethic. The original sentence was unacceptably awkward.

After the first weekend, the teacher announced a pop quiz. This is concise, and corrects your peculiar tendency of referring to the teacher as yours (my teacher), but at the same time saying "the class."

The quiz seemed straightforward, yet as hard as I tried, the answers to these routine questions would not form themselves in my head.
I changed "test" to quiz as it should be, and rearranged/rewrote the sentence to effect a change in tone from whiny and deceptive to reasonable and consistent.

"In the weeks that followed, as a continuation of ratified policy, I took precaution not to exert myself too much and my grades soon floundered. No matter I told myself, studying is for people who actually have to make an effort to do well. Stubbornly, I convinced myself to endure what could be no less than a series of aberrations; surely my grades would revert back to what I was accustomed with and I would resume my familiar position of academic supremacy."

Ok, I really lost interest here. So sorry to cut it short.

Skimming the rest of a comprehensible but otherwise deficient essay, I noted a few items of interest that bear mentioning.

The atmosphere depicted in the part about your mom cooking dinner -- it's repulsive. Parents obviously would like for their kids to do well but when they maintain what appears to be a pressurized household that inspires kids to feel sick dread over something as trivial as grades, they're failing miserably as parents who should respect and love their kids for being their kids.

Why should it matter to anyone but you what your grades are, aside from caring as a result of how it makes YOU feel?

This is probably the other unhealthy extreme that I thought was played out in movies and stories but which does evidently exist...
Really, how does I.Q. arise as a topic of discussion in a conversation with a parent? Bizarre...

Getting back on topic, your mom's reassurance in quotes at the end falls flat and sets your ending off kilter. While we are on that subject, it was just announced that your final paragraph is the consensus pick for the worst. You mean to say that that fateful day you realized people are both dumber AND smarter than you? Actually, those evaluations up to an I.Q. of about 120 can reliably predict where you'll fall on the socioeconomic ladder using aggregate data, so they may be worth more than an inferiority complex.

Discard the last two sentences categorically, unless your objective was to debase the worthy elements rumored to exist in this essay.

I recommend that you remove informal references and rewrite the final paragraph.
This is not a strong essay; if you don't have legitimate setbacks to write about, manufacture one and write about it.

Speeches / Does America Still Have Heroes? [28]

Like the person who responded before me, I'm not sure if you're still working on this assignment (probably not, based on circumstantial evidence).

You could take the well trodden path of defining what a hero is to you and write your speech accordingly.

Or you could dare to say the opposite of what would invariably amount from the first option by stating emphatically that there are no heroes left in America and launch a vicious, partly humorous tirade on the decline in virtue and morality if you so feel that is the case.

Or you could do a time series analysis that equips your argument answering yes, but not as many as we used to.

You could also make the offbeat assertion that we will always have heroes in a substantially similar proportion, just qualify it by offering that the meaning of the word hero will shift to reflect cultural values in a state of constant adaptation -- whether the trend has been good or bad in recent history you can decide by illustrating the qualities of heroes today and heroes of yesteryear and concluding something interesting.

It's a dull topic and I'm sure the submissions will have predictable ideations.
Fortunately, for your grade level you're writing to no specific end and so you can come from the rafters or pop your skull out of a burrow without ill effect.

Student Talk / Tips and sources for CLEP Essay Practice Topics [8]

I'd be surprised if people haven't submitted at least a few dozen essays designed to address sample CLEP topics, for feedback here in the past.

It shouldn't matter if the topic is authentically CLEP; the majority of sample essay topics you find online will help improve your writing skills at the same rate.

Undergraduate / Questbridge Essay/ Intellectual Vitality [4]

- I used to be the kind of person stuck in the box. Constraints and limitations predominated my mode of thinking.
- An innocuous day like any other, after witnessing a fascinating robotics competition and indulging my compulsion to attend many more in the weeks that followed, it dawned on me that the winners don't break the rules, they reinvent and add to them with their own.

There's a start.

Your opening is shoddy, so is the ending; the example places too much emphasis on particulars and not enough on general values, and your transitions and flow of tone could use significant work.

Undergraduate / Essay C- Personal info you want considered as a part of your admissions essay [5]

- Most people plan to make a positive impact on the economy by working and making money, period.
- ...affordable eco friendly energy alternative is how I would like to... like to what?
- What machinery? You haven't mentioned at all, in specific, what this machinery is.
- "..exquisite engineering program.." exquisite?
- The essay, already questionable, got butchered in the last paragraph. I'm not sure what you're trying to convey in it, but it deviates markedly into something of a blind person trying to make sense of a maze.

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]


Let's take this apart one line at a time.

Line 1

- "In my near future" cut this, it won't do.
- "I'm hope" I hope*

Line 2

- "...younger with botox..." cut this, it won't do. Are you joking? How are you going to pigeonhole esteemed professions with layman depictions that you flip offhandedly?

Lines 3 and 4

- "But before taking such a giant leap I must first take small steps..." get real. Your vapid remarks disqualify you as a person of the echelon to be a surgeon, convincingly.

Scratch this essay. The only talking point worth keeping is diversity, which I'm not sure about, but I think essay aside they probably take into consideration when filling their student body.

Undergraduate / "Yellow blanket, sweet sixteen" - common application-topic of choice/feedback [15]

You write well.

"Parties surrounded by our friends and families often in awe of the transition we've have made from childhood to a young woman. It is an occasion to reflect on our childhood memories and to ponder the events to come as our journey into adulthood begins. It is a defining moment for many. It was even more than that for me, a life-changing moment."

- "..and families often in awe.." You should clean this up. "..childhood to a young woman..." -- this also.

- Your second sentence is a repetition of the first. That's fine but do it under the cover of different words.

- "..defining moment.." Just so we're clear. First it's more than a defining moment, it's a life-changing one. Later on you regress, and refer to it as a defining moment, repetitively, one time very awkwardly:

"The significance of these events was defining and now an intricate part of who I am."

This sentence is in passive voice I think, and it doesn't say much.

Apart from grammar errors, there's an ambiguity which shrouds your essay, and certain inconsistencies or questions that come to mind, rather.

You need to be very crisp and know where you're going, all throughout the essay. Avoid mentioning things that aren't relevant, or require too much elaboration to be effective.

Undergraduate / Need help on Bump in road Essay (my best friend's death) [23]

There are quite a few errors in your essay, but I'm hesitant to point them out before I ask why you mention your friend's death in an admissions essay without any seeming relevance made apparent. Yeah, it sounds callous. I'm sorry about your friend. I'm also sorry that you wrote a full essay dedicated to the tragedy, which might possibly leave an admissions officer somewhere scratching their head. Don't get me wrong, it's a great avenue of release if you're writing without any stake attached. It sounds like you're abusing the topic for gain if you don't include enough about why you felt the need to include it, given the context. Just my take.

Undergraduate / "Whatever you do, own it!" - UCF admission - Why did you choose to apply to UCF [13]

These words have become a guiding force and have been expressed to me throughout my life.

- Sean wrote a nice article about avoiding the use of words of the form to be. You have to appreciate how weak, not to mention awkward, it comes off when you say "been expressed to me."

I have been taught by my parents that there is enormous power, satisfaction and many challenges in owning your own business.

- Problems abound in this sentence: the pesky "been" crops up again; also, enormous power, many challenges, and satisfaction... one of those three stick out, can you figure which one? You should revise this sentence, making sure that there is parallel structure, more importantly that you're saying something genuine (specific, free of exaggeration).

Because UCF is a leading partnership University, I feel the opportunities at this school will lead me to accomplishing my goal of owning a business one day.

- It's not looked upon favorably in formal writing to start off a sentence with "Because" -- worse is starting a sentence with because, then saying something you've more or less already implied. How is UCF is a leading University? How will it enable you? "accomplishing" should be changed to *accomplish

That should give you a start.

Undergraduate / 'trauma patient emergency care' - Supplement essay medical school [17]

This is a pretty good essay, fully comprehensible, and involving.

If I could suggest a minor adjustment. "for the art of the surgeon"

The art is not "the surgeon" so you must mean it is OF the surgeon.

However, the art of the surgeon is incorrect, because it still exists, even without the surgeon. I don't know if it's simply surgery, or something a tad more technical, but you should change it.

Writing Feedback / No Driving Licenses for People Under 18 - Argumentation/ Persuasion Essay [4]

Haha, I would argue that kids should be allowed the right to drive as early as 15 if they pass a comprehensive exam and/or evaluation that demonstrates they have the ability to drive in almost as safe a manner as adults.

The fact of the matter is, teens have very poor judgment and act irrationally much of the time.

If you devised a tedious exam that weeded out anyone but the most dedicated, you could possibly have a low enough driving age, and not at the expense of having dangerous drivers out on the road.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; GENDER EQUALITY @ UNI ADMISSION [4]

participating equally*
in the past*
sophisticated work? (what do you mean)*
People are stuck in the mindset that women ...*
enforce is the wrong word... in any event, what is this "tendency" and has it really influenced the decision making process of universities that they select students based on gender???*

Your essay is scattered pretty badly so I would suggest doing a tad bit of research and coming up with something -- a point of interest -- perhaps that women are scarce in engineering, physics, etc -- and what you think about it.

If men are stronger, then aren't they just more apt to do physical labor?
Why select 1:1 gender ratio in a field where there is an obvious mismatch?

Try focusing on the prompt and avoid getting distracted.

Do you agree that there should be a 1:1 ratio in all subjects? Really, do you agree?? If yes, why? If no, why?

There are formidable arguments for either case.

Graduate / Post-graduation Statement of Purpose [22]

Your essay isn't workable. I offered that you post again to have a better chance at receiving help.

The rest is all fun because it's already been expressed that your essay is untenable.
I could have just as easily said, "repost, this essay won't do it" and you'd be feeling much differently. In the end, the result is the same, if you're able to comprehend the notion of an obstructive ceiling. The ceiling was layed out -- your essay needs to be redone. Anything accompanying that advice which disparages your essay, means nothing because I think you need a do-over anyway.

You shouldn't take any offense, but rather disown the essay and start again.

Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]

Completely unrelated, but have I been precluded from making new threads?
I tried in various sub-forums to no avail.

Edit: I feel I should make a few comments related to the first post, in order not to appear rude.
If I was in your position, my essay would necessarily center on the following considerations.

"Why do you deserve the scholarship?"

It's not off the wall to ask applicants why they are deserving of a scholarship. There is only so much money to around; resources are limited, and they'd like to know that they're investing their money in the right person.

Sean was right on in saying that you should identify the criteria which the distributor of the scholarship is interested in. I think more often than not, they take into consideration both your financial circumstances, and your worthiness in terms of competence and merit.

Naturally you'd like to explain why you chose their university -- presumably the one which will be awarding the scholarship. After you delve into that a bit -- why that university is just the right fit -- proceed to explain that you have a passion for finance. Demonstrate this with some abridged, but advanced commentary on different aspects of finance. You could creatively parlay the field of finance into your less than favorable personal finances (a fair presumption on my part?). Show that you have what it takes to excel, but unfortunately you face an obstacle that you cannot help, hence why you are asking their help to remove this impediment and in so doing, contribute to the educational spectrum, your future dreams and aspirations, and the betterment of the world.

Synopsis: Their money put to your use, will be a very good use.

Grammar, Usage / Tasteful Thank You [11]

Are you close to this relative?

How "extended" is he in your family? I would not send a thank you note to someone, unless there was something to be thankful for. This is particularly a personality thing. If you're the kind of person who can suppress their real self and extend perfunctory sentiments, by all means send the note.

Essays / Finding a research problem for a research paper - Assignment [10]

Hmmm, I misinterpreted the assignment instructions.

Research methods are varied in the social sciences. Consult your notes and decide which method would be particularly effective, helping to elucidate some things about your area of interest. For example a survey; then I guess, go through the methodology and explain everything.

Specific instructions don't hurt.

Writing Feedback / CBEST Essay using technology prompt [8]


few quick errors:

-factor* 1st line
-from "modern life" cut modern
-"a decisively improved over the earlier less technological eras" You shortchanged yourself saying "in making modern life"... now what can you say? If you are amenable to the second bullet point, it will be easy to revise this.

-You cannot speak for mankind on happiness. Cut it from the second line.
-"mankind has been at any other point in history" Than ever before, would suffice.
-"The combination of advances in technology" This is probably incorrect; combination implies an assortment of things, and if it's not wrong, it could definitely be replaced with a more accurate word.

Essays / Finding a research problem for a research paper - Assignment [10]

Write briefly about the differences between Psychology and Sociology.

There should be quotes available from credible sources.

One page isn't enough to withstand a wayward draft of air, so I can't imagine why you are concerned.

"Differences Between Psychology and Sociology"

Search those terms and get your sources together. Then, write your page.

Writing Feedback / a baby doesn't know the intricacy of external world; TOEFL IBT Essay "Parents are the best teachers" [6]

At one point you repeated yourself 5 times... in a row.

I don't know what the standard is for TOEFL, but frankly, you didn't say one thing cogent.
I'd give it a passing grade if I ranked in the 95th percentile for leniency as a test grader.

I guess they probably emphasize grammar and spelling more than anything else, for this test, but if I was grading it, I'd let all manner of technical errors slide if you made a half coherent argument.

Graduate / Post-graduation Statement of Purpose [22]

If I was being churlish, you wouldn't know it.
I'd heap so much praise on you, raucously, you would be incapable of hearing the snickering.

Undergraduate / "Comrade Hu and passion for languages" - College Admissions Essay Introduction [13]

Don't mind me -- I find a lot of perfectly legitimate, effective if employed by the right person writing techniques, corny.

Anyway, is that your whole essay?

If it is, it won't do.

If I had to do an introduction that way, I'd start off from the very beginning, with a spate of words in another language. That would come off as fresh and permit me the option of proceeding in a lot of different ways.

Grammar, Usage / Vocab: Martinet [12]

Are you all aware of the phenomenon where you'll learn a new word, idea, or concept, then find it pop up in so many different places.

I'm sure those things were always there -- you just become more aware of them after having encountered them for the first time.

I agree that it's best to read widely.

You won't get anywhere fast, looking up word after word and trying to assimilate them in your vocabulary. It's much more natural and effective to read a lot and when you run across a word you don't know, especially repeatedly, look it up.

When I was back in traditional high school (I think it was 10th grade), we were required to memorize a long list of vocabulary words; something like 60 per test.

I ripped the teacher for designing such a worthless assignment, on the test itself, and challenged her that no one would remember those words two weeks later.

Two weeks later I had no idea whatsoever what 75% of those words meant (the same words I scored an A on for knowing the definition of), but I never found out for my classmates.

Grammar, Usage / When you notice errors in news articles routinely... [5]

I stand corrected then. I thought diffuse was the biological process of something spreading out (I guess in this case, spreading something out and making it less potent), while defuse meant to calm down a volatile situation.

Undergraduate / "Comrade Hu and passion for languages" - College Admissions Essay Introduction [13]

To begin: the whole introduction.

Now: why would you use that introduction instead of saying what you just told me?

Grammar, Usage / Vocab: Martinet [12]

Fist off, welcome!

I'm set to do finance and accounting, so economics is somewhat familiar to me.

Reading, writing, and speaking skills, you'll find are important, no matter your field.

You must posess the ability to communicate with a broad audience in order to be truly effective; English is the dominant language of the world, so a mastery of English will serve your interests well.

I'm not comfortable or familiar with "martinet" that it's in my vocabulary.

Having briefly searched it, I could probably compose a few intelligible sentences with it.

The word has a military context, therefore "The nun from the movie Doubt is such a martinet." I would tentatively say, doesn't make correct use of the word.

You should make a note that the sentence is weak to begin, so I could reasonably infer that most any word wouldn't fit pleasingly.

Context is essential in English, and most higher level words are nuanced such that they only fit in the right circumstances which lay the groundwork for them to make their specialized intricacy known.

X is a ___.

Your first sentence is reducible to 4 words, if we remove the intensifier "such", which is actually doing you a service.
Joe is such a revolutionist.
Joe is a revolutionist.

Avoid using simplistic sentence structure, with a few meaningless intensifiers, to welcome advanced vocabulary words, which don't fit.

You'll often see be able to see at a moment's glance, when someone is frequenting a thesaurus; they don't appreciate the subtleties specific to each word, and it's conspicuous.

"My mother wasn't exactly a martinet. She didn't mind when I came home at all hours of the night, smelling of booze and perfume."

This is slightly better because of the context that "she didn't mind...booze and perfume."

However, martinet doesn't fit here either, becase you haven't established due justification for it.

If she didn't mind those things, she might be indifferent in being a good mother, or otherwise uncaring, but not really someone who's not a martinet.

In saying that she "wasn't exactly", you haven't "exactly" opened up to the meaning of martinet. Precision is key with technical or otherwise advanced vocabulary, and you're being imprecise.

"My friend Paul is such a push over. His martinet of a wife definitely wears the pants in that relationship. She insists that he only go out with friends one night a week and even gives him a midnight curfew. She won't let him watch sports in the house. On the refrigerator, she even posts a list of chores on the Monday of every week. What is he a teenager?"

Martinet of a wife is predictably vague.

Her mannerisms accord better with words dealing in control and excessive restriction, than martinet. Nevertheless, if I had to choose from those 3 sentences, I'd choose the last.

My sister recently suffered the misfortune of having her easygoing boss replaced by a temperamental martinet who monitors her lunch break to the minute, harasses her incessantly about "egregious misconduct" -- arriving 5 minutes late -- and generally causes all kinds of havoc; she was left nothing but to conclude that either her boss is delusional and believes the money is coming out of her pocket, or that she has endured a repressed, depressing life, causing her to become twisted, or a combination of both.

See? I used the word for the first time, but added enough context that even if it's wrong, a martinet specialized in grammar would approve.

;) Because I'm unfamiliar with it [martinet], I'll have to defer on a definite verdict.

Graduate / Post-graduation Statement of Purpose [22]

Pathetically moribund.

I had a very difficult time trying to rationalize anything about your essay, even prompt aside; coherent sentences in the context of this bewildering essay are akin to gold.

Try revising it to make SOME kind of sense, by navigating a logical, well defined track.

Once you've done that, repost, and there may be a chance that someone can help you.

As is, I hope you have something else going for you (grades?) to offset -- at least mitigate -- the disastrous impression that this essay is sure to leave on your reader.

Undergraduate / "Comrade Hu and passion for languages" - College Admissions Essay Introduction [13]

I don't scratch my head much when I'm confused, by I do furrow my eyebrows.

My eyebrows were furrowed all through reading this.

Grammar, Usage / Logical Fallacies (for debate and persuasive writing) [23]

Ad hominem tu quoque

Even if someone's actions are grossly inconsistent with what they say, what they're saying shouldn't be diminshed by it.

Let's say Joe is a flamboyant homosexual, but he is strongly opposed to gay marriage on the grounds that it is wrong as ordained by God.

Joe is a poor representative of that view, quite probably because his actions don't reflect what he preaches, but homosexuality isn't any less wrong; Joe saying it, shouldn't diminish whatever truth there is in it.

Writing Feedback / "People of MTV generation have no patience. They want instant satisfaction." [84]

You're persistently inconsistent.

No, I don't have a valid reason to push evolution, but anyone who belongs to a religion is an "idiot... surrendered their critical thinking skills."

I'm glad you're right. While we're on the topic of fallacies, why not include ad hominem tu quoque?

Even if someone's actions are grossly inconsistent with what they say, what they're saying shouldn't be diminshed by it.

Let's say Joe is a flamboyant homosexual, but he is strongly opposed to gay marriage on the grounds that it is wrong as ordained by God.

Joe is a poor representative of that view, quite probably because his actions don't reflect what he preaches, but homosexuality isn't any less wrong; Joe saying it, shouldn't diminish whatever truth there is in it.

Likewise, I'd say any evolutionist who's hell-bent on encouraging others to accept their theory, is not the best representative for what their theory postulates.

Writing Feedback / "People of MTV generation have no patience. They want instant satisfaction." [84]

This is getting rough.

But I can appreciate the laced barbs, especially biting sarcasm.

People normally aren't that ingenuitive, so it's a bit entertaining to read the different delivery systems people implement in personal attacks.

Grammar, Usage / Logical Fallacies (for debate and persuasive writing) [23]

Yes, this a great thread. If you can avoid fallacies, and train yourself to recognize them where they appear, you'll save yourself a lot of time.

Hmmmm, since I'm taking stats, I thought I should include:

The Gambler's Fallacy

Suppose you've tossed a coin 10 times and it has come up tails each time; you reason, "well, the odds are with me, heads is due soon."

Unfortunately, if you're betting on heads (or tails), the probability of winning is no greater than 50% since coin tosses are independent of each other -- the coin has no memory, so your previous bad luck doesn't have any bearing whatsoever on the next toss.

Gamblers, many times in casinos after a string of bad luck, reason that there is a sway for things to turn around.

It can be a costly fallacy, literally.

Grammar, Usage / Logical Fallacies (for debate and persuasive writing) [23]

It's not snobbery Sean, because you won't get far in life or be taken seriously with a casual mentality to introduce malapropisms in your work.

I would challenge you to find me a dissertation that has "common use" words.

Find me a professional who is affected by the malleability of words among laypeople.

You've preempted a ceiling on yourself if you can't be precise and accurate, forget with words, but any kind of research.

Writing Feedback / My first essay exercise - "we learn our most important lessons in school?" [7]

First ten errors, and a conceptual error.

-"As we know..." If we know already, why are you mentioning it without anything intriguing to add?
-Good schooling includes critical thinking skills, above anything else.
-Your first sentence is a run on that loses its meaning. Split it into two sentences or fragments; Schooling provides for teaching you mostly narrow academic skills, while real experiences bestow on us a creative ensemble of techniques for dealing with problems imaginatively, and innovatively.

-No one cares what you "prefer", or for your opinion. Your essay is not you, and won't be saved by you; it's meant as a way of demonstrating through written communication why one method of learning is better than the other.

-"First of all" is obsolete, but perfectly acceptable I suppose, if you're lazy, rushed, or unable to come up with anything better.

-"...increase their positivity" You could clean that up with a more descriptive phrase.
-"...and finally **they will** be more creative" This does not conform with the manner of words preceding it -- at least remove "they will," in order to retain consistency.

-"What make us more success is that we employ many graduates who have many internship and who are so creative." You might want to include a [sic], to indicate that that is as the quote is, if indeed it is.

-"Aimer, another company which competed with CD&D and which had pay much attention to graduate's book knowledge, has been bankrupt now. Hence, it clearly appears that the knowledge from society is more important and we will be benefit from it" Am I to extrapolate from this anecdote that your thesis is made? If anything is clear, it's that you're quick to pull the trigger, or believe that your audience is quick to assume on nary evidence.

-It's usually incorrect to begin a new paragraph with "as a matter of fact." Conclude your thoughts in the previous pargraph first, and if you'd like to bond the next paragraph to it, come up with a new idea that relates.

Look, take everything I say with a grain of salt.

Sometimes I'm a bit harsh and people take it personally. I'm not stupid though; there are enough people who could put me in my place.

I used to get extremely angry when people criticised me, and still do somewhat, but I'm working on it.

It doesn't help any to take things personally -- be sensitive and stubborn to your ways, defending them at any cost.

Instead, just ask yourself if you want to improve? Take criticism as a motivation to improve yourself, so there's no longer any chink in your armor.

There's abundant evidence in your essay, but don't make the mistake of assuming from point to point, that they prove something without any doubt.

That is the greatest weakness in your essay right now.

The upside: I can read your essay and understand everything you are saying. I understand what concepts you are trying to convey -- I feel you don't back them up with supplemental evidence, and moderation.

If I was grading this critically, I'd give it 15/20 on grammar and sentence mechanics, 17/20 on paragraph mechanics, and 50/60 on critical analysis of text.

That's the grading rubric from my English class btw.

Practice reading and writing a lot. If nothing else, read news articles. In google you can type "define: [word]" and you'll get a fair definition of most words instantly.

Participate in this forum -- my writing has improved greatly for it.

Grammar, Usage / Logical Fallacies (for debate and persuasive writing) [23]

Certainly, public consensus on the common usage of words, will impact what becomes accepted.

Though you might justify it with your buddies, it won't fly if you're an academic, or professional.

As long as that boundary is hard to surmount, I don't see how it's a problem.

Why would you care that some ordinary person who doesn't know better, is butchering the language, when it remains preserved in its original form among scholars and the upper echelon of society?

They'll ammend the dictionary to note that a word has taken on a new spelling or meaning with a lot of people, but you'll hardly find a learned person who won't repudiate them.

Writing Feedback / War -- victor or no victor? [45]

Yeah, I'm going to keep a low profile in classes where there aren't multiple choice tests, from now on.

Efficiency is the end all, or suffer the punishment for your heretics.

Hopefully I'll run into some mentors at GMU, or whatever graduate school I go to, or where I choose to do my PhD, if I reach that point (God willing).

Writing Feedback / War -- victor or no victor? [45]

Hmmmm, my rant had nothing to do with the essay in this thread. I actually received full points, 40/40 (weighted 4% of final grade-- I wasn't kidding when I said bread crumbs).

Rather, I've found that I'm the best test of whether a professor will compromise the integrity of their grading practice -- grade 2 students differently, for reasons that have naught to do with the assignment/test at hand.

Of course, I'm pretty thorough (pedantic at times), so I managed to secure my fellow classmates' returned assignments, and isolate some crying discrepancies.

Thereafter I took it up with school officials, and I was offered the option of dropping the course with refund (it is well past the deadline to drop).

If a "pattern" emerges, they said, "come back."

Now, this was in a Math class where it's pretty self-evident if you're grading students variably.

It's a much harder case to prove in classes where there is no right answer, and the instructor is free to grade as they so please.

I've been ripped in both aspects.

When I start classes from here on out, my first step will be to check if the tests are multiple choice.

That will set in clear terms for me, how much freedom I can expect in the class.

I just think it's unprofessional, unethical, and shameful, what I've documented regarding the inability of some instructors to disjoin their personal self from their work self.

I mean, you're undercutting my class grade, and in turn my gpa, and in turn the graduate schools I'll be accepted to, and ultimately you're stealing money from me, when I have to settle for a job that doesn't reflect my capabilities, because students weren't as highly recruited at the school where I went to.

It's not a stretch to call it criminal, or at least grounds for termination.

Undergraduate / UC Personal Statements: Suggestions for revising? [7]

You know, in Sociology there's a "Front and backstage."

People would rather not hear things which make them uncomfortable, or distort their pleasant view of the world.

They know it exists, but they find it easier not to relate, understandably because it threatens a cognitive dissonance in them.

So scratch the first few sentences in the first prompt, and conclude on a stronger note.

Your second essay is decrepit.

Scratch it, and write about a personal quality that is important to you.

Whatever it may be, you want to elevate it on a pedestal -- describe its raw power, and why it means so much to you.

Writing Feedback / Essay response to Thoreau - "Does adulthood takes away the true spirit of life?" [5]

Threre are plenty grammar errors.

For example:

- convey a sense of nostalgia *for*
- childhood is often remembered *as* -- Simone noted the issue with consistency in form already.
- "subsist with seriousness"; subsist is not the right word here
-"We need to stop complicating things to the point that they are stressed out, dissatisfied, and unhappy." The things are stressed out, dissatisfied, and unhappy?

Scratch that, and let it suffice that there are at least 30 grammar errors (rough estimate).

Your final paragraph is extremely difficult to make sense of.

You make a good enough case, and write lucidly enough, so I won't poke my fingers in the pores in your reasoning.

Writing Feedback / CBEST personal essay - an unforgettable person you have encountered in your life [13]

Uhhhh, I hate to be forward, but I would drop the essay and begin anew.

You're focusing far too much on the social atmosphere that inculcated in you, this "awe" of him.

Why not help us understand how he impacted you as a person, first by explaining what you found to be special about him on a personal level.

He impacted you positively to be sure, but which qualities or aspects of his personality appealed to you, and influenced you, that you make an effort to embody them yourself, today?

You left out the proof of his impact on you, as an aside.