Undergraduate / EDUCATION & PERSONAL GROWTH; OBERLIN SUPP [2]

Hi everyone!

If you have time, I would really appreciate it if you would read over/edit my oberlin supplement! Right now it is 400 words, and it needs to be reduced down to 300...also if you could fix any grammatical mistakes that would be great! I feel like i have a lot of borderline run on sentences and repetitive wording. Let me know what you would do to change it! thanks!

OBERLIN SUPPLEMENT

Ever since my parents brought home our Yamaha grand piano, music has played a major role in my life. I was always tinkering away at the keys in grade school, trying to master my scales and Mozart sonatas. I was happy with my instrument, and still am, but as I've grown older and learned from the many experiences that come with age, I've found it difficult to focus solely on the piano. I've grown to love chemistry and medicine, along with literature, philosophy, and mathematics. I can't see myself giving up on any of my diverse interests, so I began to search for a school that would allow me to explore and merge my passion for the arts and sciences.

As you can imagine, when I came across Oberlin College in my Fiske Guide to Colleges, I was beyond ecstatic. Oberlin was just what I was looking for! It is a liberal arts school with a strong science department, an eminent conservatory, and a double-degree program. Oberlin seemed to fit me perfectly. I immediately placed Oberlin at the top of my college list, and with excitement, I delved deeper into research.

As I've read about Oberlin in books, student blogs, and the internet, I've learned this school will do much more than just allow me to pursue my many passions: it will challenge me to question the world. Oberlin houses free thinkers who want to make a difference. I want to join these non conformists and voice my opinion. Oberlin's values, to think outside the box, to believe anything is possible, to ask "why?", and to search for a way to improve the world around us, are things I value in an education. I want to attend a school where I can form intimate bonds with teachers and students who truly care about my improvement as a human being. Through co-ops, EXCO, the Drag Ball, albino squirrels, and the commitment to the community, environment concerns, and diversity, Oberlin creates a fun and positive atmosphere where I will flourish and enthusiastically explore my interests.

My parents have always stressed education as the "highest priority", and I agree that education is of the utmost importance. However, I also believe personal growth and development is just as significant. Oberlin is the perfect chance for me to learn and grow, and through the discovery of my passions and my full potential, I will become the best I can possibly be.

The conclusion sucks but I couldn't really think of anything else when I wrote it. Please edit and get back to me quickly! It's due tomorrow...

Thanks so much!

Undergraduate / 'I slouch' - COMMON APP ESSAY ABOUT MY BAD HABIT: SLOUCHING [5]

Hi everyone! A couple hours ago, I decided I hated my original common app essay. It didn't sound like me at all, and didn't show my personality or anything important about me. So I whipped up a new essay real quick! Please give honest criticism and feedback!

Topic of my choice:

I slouch. I hate to admit it, especially because my dad is always on my back about the health consequences, but it's not an easy habit to break. My frail shoulders are tempted to stoop forward, slightly hunching in and around my short neck. My shoulder bones jut out of my back, creating sharp, curved edges which I imagine aren't very comfortable to hug. And worst of all, my vertebral column curves forward, creating the illusion that I'm much shorter than five foot four.

I don't remember exactly when I started to slouch, but I do remember why: I was afraid of the outside world. My parents and teachers, my life coaches, warned me of the bullies and doubters I would have to fight. Not one to look for trouble though, I didn't want to face them. I wanted to avoid them at all costs.

Scared out of my wits, I began to search for a barrier to separate me from this antagonistic world. Naturally, I found a blockade that would protect me 24/7: my body.

At first, I felt safe. Behind my crooked shoulders and domed back nobody could hurt me. However, my mom wasn't pleased about my new form of defense. She dreaded to see me slumped over, claiming I looked like "my old grandma". She vowed to find a way to help me stand up straight and overcome my fears.

So it came as no surprised to me that one August afternoon, my mother ordered me to stand against the kitchen wall.

"Shoulder blades all the way back! Head held high! Good."

With my back erect and elongated, I stood straight up against the wall, hoping to please the woman I loved. Soon enough though, I came to realize I was not only satisfying my mom, but also myself. For the first time in years, I took a fulfilling, deep breath. The smell of the baking salmon wafted into my nose, filling my lungs with fresh, but somewhat fishy smelling, air. With each passing inhalation, I could feel my confidence increasing; I could feel my height increasing. My eyes, wide open, hungrily took in the new view from above. My kitchen looked different from this perspective, and I smiled at how much brighter it all seemed from my actual height.

My shoulders and back were no longer there to shield me, but at that moment, I didn't feel afraid. Rather, I felt alive; I felt tall.

Ironically, slouching has made me taller. It has taught me to not cower in fear, but to stand up straight and face the obstacles ahead of me. Although I haven't completely straightened up my bad habit, I find myself growing in height day by day. And whenever I find myself beginning to lean over, I don't let the weight crush my shoulders. Instead, I put on my "can do" attitude, raise my shoulders, hold my head up high, and stand tall.

Thanks for reading! Please give me advice!

Undergraduate / "Daddy, why do women have babies, but not men?" HUMAN BODY; Interests at NYU [6]

Hi guys!
I need help with a conclusion. Feel free to edit the rest of the essay as well.

Prompt: . NYU's global network provides students with hundreds of academic areas of interest for students to cultivate their intellectual curiosity and to help achieve their career goals. Whether you are entirely undecided about your academic plans or you have a definitive program of study in mind, what are your own academic interests? Feel free to share any thoughts on any particular programs or how you might explore those interests at NYU on any of our campuses.

Ever since I was little, I've been plagued by a need to satisfy my curiosity about the human body. In elementary school, whenever my dad came home from work, I would always bombard him with questions. I remember in second grade I asked him, "Daddy, why do women have babies, but not men?" Being a doctor himself, specifically a neurologist, my dad was always able to answer my elementary-school questions. At the time, this was enough to satisfy my curiosity. However, now that I'm older, I have much more complex questions about the miracle of the human body that I want to discover. At NYU, I would search for the answers through research. With the help of the prestigious faculty and resources of the city, I would attempt to solve the mysteries of the human body.

Not only do living organisms fascinate me, but so does chemistry. I first started to appreciate this field of science when Mr. Baker, my AP Chemistry teacher, pointed out chemistry's role in everyday life. He taught me that magic isn't behind salt's role in melting ice, but rather, it's salt's ability to lower the freezing point of water. He showed me why fireworks are specific colors and how soap works. He gave me a new appreciation for the world around me, and ever since then, I've desired to understand chemistry's effect on our everyday lives.

Undergraduate / Be on a golf course without golf clubs; COMMON APP [14]

Hi! I really need help editing my essay, especially because it's due tomorrow! I've been working on it for a really long time, but I just can't get the flow right. Also, under the common app, I'm debating on whether I should put this as topic of my choice, under the ethical dilemma section, or under the experience that changed me. Please help! And don't be afraid to give harsh criticism!

So here it is:

I never expected to be on a golf course without golf clubs, yet there I was, doing the unordinary on an otherwise typical Friday night. I was with my best friends as usual, yet they were lying in front of me on the tee off of Hole 12.

"Lie down."
"Wait...what?"
"Come on. Lie down."
Instinct told me this was a joke, for they looked very out of place. (As you can imagine, two teenagers lying on a golf course at nine pm is a strange sight indeed). I scanned their faces to determine what their true intentions were, but there was no humor in their eyes. Instead, their eyes were intensely focused on something in the distance. Curious, I plopped down next to them and followed their gazes. I soon realized they were captivated by the sky.

It was so beautiful that night. The absence of clouds allowed for hundreds of stars to twinkle brighter than I had ever seen before. The full moon, with its different shades of white and yellow, was stunning against the dark blackness of the night.

The most beautiful part of the night though, was the serenity I felt. Surrounded by nature and in the close comfort of my best friends, I had never felt more at peace with myself. It was as if I had been transported into a different world, one where I wasn't worrying about my AP Literature paper I still hadn't completed or the chores that were waiting for me at home. As I gazed up at the stars, I could see my dreams and hopes mapped in the consolations. I saw a doctor in a lab, trying to find a cure for Parkinson's disease. I saw a smiling lady, bowing as she received a standing ovation after her solo piano concert. I saw myself.

Suddenly, I felt the pressure of a hand on my shoulder. My meditation was interrupted.
"Tiffany, it's 10 o'clock. We need to go."
On the ride home with cars whizzing by, it struck me that I was back in the fast-paced reality of society where present responsibilities tend to take control of our lives. Before we know it, we lose sight of our hopes and goals for the future. The rush of life tends to be overwhelming, and every now and then, we need to stop and think about what's truly important in life. We need to trust our friends, lie back, and let our dreams play out in the stars. We need to find a place where our lives don't interfere with our dreams, but rather, a place where our dreams lead our lives. I found my place on Hole 12.

Whenever I get the chance, I venture back to the golf course with my best friends. Without hesitation, I lie down, open my eyes, and immerse myself in my thoughts. Every now and then, a shooting star races across the sky, assuring me anything is possible. I just have to keep dreaming.

So there you have it. I hope it didn't suck too much. Please don't copy it or anything like that! Thanks!