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Posts by MHKHRY
Joined: Dec 10, 2012
Last Post: Jan 15, 2013
Threads: 5
Posts: 21  
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From: United States of America

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MHKHRY   
Jan 15, 2013
Undergraduate / Biology Honors; Gates Millenium Schloarship - Subjects I excelled [4]

PLEASE CHECK THESE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Essay 1
Discuss the subjects in which you excel or have excelled. To what factors do you attribute your success?

Many of my peers have tried to sway me from taking Biology Honors because they believed that the class was too difficult, and although I appreciated their concerns I felt that any subject could be conquered with the right tactics. From the first day of Dr. Butler-Pearson's biology class, I already had my plan worked out. I would stay after school for tutoring on Tuesdays, read half the chapter on Mondays and Tuesdays and the second half on Thursdays and Fridays. I took advantage of every opportunity to do well in the class. Therefore, I succeeded in maintaining an "A" throughout the course.

Essay 2
Discuss the subjects in which you have had difficulty. What factors do you believe contributed to your difficulties? How have you dealt with them so they will not cause problems for you again? In what areas have you experienced the greatest improvement? What problem areas remain?

Although I was born in the U.S., my education began in Port-au-Prince, Haiti. It took me a short time to learn how to speak English. However, writing in proper English was a different story. One of the most challenging classes that I have taken was 4th grade language arts. I had to quickly learn different grammar skills, such as punctuation, spelling, and parts of speech. I had to understand that homophones, such as there, their, and they're sounded alike but have completely different meanings. It was very frustrating for me at first, I felt inadequate and inept. Although I have improved dramatically in language arts, I still seek ways to strengthen my English. I research words I do not know and I learn new words by reading articles and books.

Essay 3
Briefly describe a situation in which you felt that you or others were treated unfairly or were not given an opportunity you felt you deserved. Why do you think this happened? How did you respond? Did the situation improve as a result of your response?

In my third grade class there was a boy named Matthew who had physical deformities and a mental disability. The other children were frightened of him because of his appearance and tried to avoid him anyway that they could. I felt sadden that they could treat another human being so unfairly, especially because they didn't understand him. I didn't want to be one of those children who avoided or intimidated him and so I made it my mission to protect that little boy from the others. I wanted him to know that not everyone was mean and so I befriended him. One day, I made him a goody bag filled with toys and I wrote him a friendly letter. I will never forget the joy that I was able to bring to Matthew on that day.

Essay 4
Discuss your short and long-term goals. Are some of them related? Which are priorities?

My major short-term goals are graduating from high school, enrolling in college, and accumulating scholarship money to help me pay for college. My long-term goals are earning a medical degree and having a medical clinic. Most of my short-term and long-term goals involve obtaining an excellent education to help me give back to my community by providing care to the needy.

Essay 5
Discuss a leadership experience you have had in any area of your life: school, work, athletics, family, church, community, etc. How and why did you become a leader in this area? How did this experience influence your goals?

My first leadership position was at Everglades High School coordinating the Harvest Drive. The Harvest Drive is a holiday event, in which local schools gather canned foods and toiletries for deprived families who cannot afford a meal for Thanksgiving dinner. As the organizer of the Harvest Drive, I had a huge responsibility for making sure that my group collected enough items. I had to learn to work with different people. With a short amount of time and few cooperative members, it was a challenging project in the beginning. In order to gain the group's respect, I had to work alongside them, helping them make flyers, gathering boxes, and collecting the supplies. In the end, we successfully collected over a thousand food items and toiletries. This was a wonderful experience that has taught me much about how to work with people and the joy of helping others.

Essay 6
Discuss your involvement in and contributions to a community near your home, school or elsewhere. Please select an experience different from the one you discussed in the previous question, even if this experience also involved leadership. What did you accomplish? How did this experience influence your goals?

As a member of the Science Honors Society, my club prepares road shows for elementary school students. This is a time in which members create lab activities that allow younger children to participate and conduct scientific experiments. The purpose of these activities is to have the children gain greater understanding of science and to help them find their passion for learning. I hope that through this Society, I can help young science students realize their intellectual abilities and promote learning through hands-on activities.

ESSAY 7
Other than through classes in school, in what areas (non-academic or academic) have you acquired knowledge or skills? How?

As a volunteer at Memorial Hospital Miramar, and a former Memorial Regional Hospital volunteer, I have acquired knowledge and skills by interacting with the patients, doctors, and nurses at the pediatric emergency room. I have learned how to handle disturbed and angry individuals, and how to properly control stressful situations. Being a hospital volunteer has certainly helped improve my work ethics and my knowledge of general humanitarian practices. For instance, while still a volunteer at Memorial Regional Hospital, I encountered a panicked patient whose claustrophobia almost had the best of her. She tried to pry the syringes and tubes from her body, complaining that the sheets from the bed were suffocating her. I was terrified at first because I was the only person in the room at the time. Nevertheless, I needed to calm her down to prevent her from hurting herself. Therefore, after pressing the emergency call button to the nursing station, I helped her remove the tangled covers from her body while trying to keep her from removing the intravenous (IV) tubes. This is one in many events at the hospital that have taught me to control myself during stressful situations.

ESSAY 8
Is there anything else you would like to tell us about that may help us evaluate your nomination (i.e., personal characteristics, obstacles you have had to overcome)?

Participating in the arts helps soothe me during traumatic situations. I have played the piano for about 12 years and I also enjoy drawing. During painful events, such as the recent deaths of my aunt and piano mentor, I have looked to playing my music and drawing to express my grief. These deaths happened within a short amount of time. It is a very strange thing realizing that death is just a moment away. My aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer and died within six months. It happened so fast that I still can't believe that she is gone. Seeing the emaciated shell that she became in comparison to the vibrant 38 year-old woman that I remembered her to be was extremely shocking, and it has ingrained itself into my memory forever. Just a few months earlier, after finally mastering Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata and planning to reunite with Floyd, my piano teacher of 10 years, I learned that he committed suicide. These events almost ruined my high school experience since those were people that I loved dearly. However, I realize that death is a part of life without which people would not value their existence. I believe that life's tribulations can strengthen a person's resolve to improve their lives and society.
MHKHRY   
Dec 20, 2012
Undergraduate / Salvadoran's Resourcefulness MIT World Essay [4]

I see wisdom, resiliency against poverty, and resourcefulness.

Explain where the wisdom and resourcefulness comes from comes from. I know that this essay needs to be kept at a certain length but elaborate on this point, I think that it is very relevant to your topic. Do your experiences make you a stronger person. When people go through certain tribulations, they learn from them.

Also focus on grammar and punctuation. I will revise soon but now I have to go...Other than that your essay is a little conventional but well written. Good job! :)
MHKHRY   
Dec 20, 2012
Undergraduate / Salvadoran's Resourcefulness MIT World Essay [4]

First things first, your essay is 8 words over the maximum and they cut the essay done when applicants do that.

Looking out from the car window, most peoples see babies with their mothers begging for tomorrow's meal, children of my age or younger cleaning windows for spare change, and old man selling mint candy for a "cora" (quarter). They see poverty.

When looking out from the car window, most people see famished babies, held by their mothers, sobbing for tomorrows meal, children my age or younger cleaning windows for spare change, and old men selling mint candy for a "cora" (quarter).
MHKHRY   
Dec 20, 2012
Undergraduate / Barnard College/ what influenced your decision to apply? Simple delightful! [5]

Revise this please, anybody, help me. :)

Barnard College
A. How did you first learn about Barnard College and what factors have influenced your decision to apply? Why do you think the College would be a good match for you?

If you would prefer to upload a document in response to this question, please click the 'upload' button below. If your upload is successful, you will see a 'view document' button and a 'delete' button appear next to the question.

Please Note: The system will save only an uploaded document or a typed essay but not both.

While attending a summer school program at Columbia University, I explored the modest campus of Barnard College and fell in love with it. Unlike the vast and confusing campus of Columbia, Barnard is simply delightful. The small class sizes at Barnard will certainly help me to communicate better with the faculty and staff. Furthermore, I appreciate the fact that Barnard is one of the leading women liberal arts colleges in the country. As a young girl, I had the privilege of attending an all-girl primary school in Haiti. While having the experience of attending both unisex and mixed gendered schools, my opinion is that all-girl schools are far more conducive to learning. I contend that all-girl schools are less distractive and allow women to participate in their learning environment without the fear of being ridicule by their male counterparts. I believe that attending Barnard College will provide great opportunities for me to explore a wide variety of careers that may not have been possible to women in the past.
MHKHRY   
Dec 20, 2012
Undergraduate / I have always loved the arts and sciences; How Duke attracts you? [9]

Rare Opportunity; Trinity College of Arts and Science at Duke/ Why consider Duke?

(For Arts and Sciences Applicants Only) If you are applying to Trinity College of Arts and Science, please discuss why you consider Duke a good match for you. Is there something in particular at Duke that attracts you? Please limit your response to one or two paragraphs.

To upload a document in response to this question, please click the 'upload' button below. If your upload is successful, you will see a 'view document' button and a 'delete' button appear next to the question.

I have never been more amazed by the beauty and grandeur of such establishments as the l'Ouvre Museum in France and the Vatican Museum in Rome. As my mother held my small hands, we walked into these massive buildings, invigorated and in wonderment as we admired the paintings and sculptures of Da Vinci, Michelangelo, Raphael, etc. For as long as I can remember I have always been interested in the arts and science. Drawing has become a relevant part in my life now; whenever I draw, I am transported to a serene state of mind. Mrs. Protano, my elementary school art teacher encouraged my interest in drawing. As a result, in 2006, one of my drawings was recognized at the Student Art Exhibit of the Broward Public Schools. I have been playing piano for about 12 years now too, and participating in several recitals; much like drawing, I am able to express myself through my music. Furthermore, the arts helped me through some distressing times, including the recent loss of my aunt Manouchka and my piano mentor, Floyd. These two harrowing events left me feeling weak and depressed, the arts help numb me to the pain. Science is also a way for me to express my ingenuity. I am a member of a myriad of clubs at my school, such as the competitive National Science Honors Society, the Environmental Club, and SECME. These clubs have helped teach me the importance of communicating with others in order to build up a greater cause, such as saving our habitats and educating the populous on important issues. It is fantastic that Duke offers internships to students, a chance that the majority of other competitive schools don't offer, in order for them to experience their desired careers first-hand. I am attracted to Duke by this rare opportunity, especially because of the focus towards science. Furthermore, the effort and time spent in research and education is noteworthy, I am one of those aspiring potential students who have a thirst for knowledge and an incentive to benefit society, ready to educate the masses.
MHKHRY   
Dec 20, 2012
Undergraduate / ''Kaley'' , being dark in complexion - Personal Statement for Bucknell [6]

This particular incident made me realize how normal it is in my society for someone to openly make snarky comments on someone else's appearance . Given how the society is rigidly structured around the caste system in Nepal (besides other socio-economic set ups), I could not help but wonder about how a fellow kaley from a lower caste would have felt about this same incident. Would he have been considered to be more devilish by my teacher because of his lower caste in addition to his dark complexion? I still wonder.

I made some more changes...

I didn't really like snarky so I changed the sentence a little.
This particular incident forever exposed my eyes to the harsh and unrestrained racism evident in my society. Given how thethis society is sorigidlyfirmly structured around the caste system in Nepal, besides other socio-economic set ups, I could not help but wonder how a fellow kaley from a lower caste would have felt about this same incidentdealt with the same prejudice .

Hey rocky432, there is someone here by the name of ah_zafari, he is the first person who responded to my Duke essay. He is very good at grammar maybe he can give you some ideas about generalizing your essay. I will also have some time to revise this a little later later today.
MHKHRY   
Dec 19, 2012
Undergraduate / KPOP; Struggle with Culture/ (College app essay) [7]

I admit, this may seem like a shallow genre of music grounded in popular culture, but Kpop has opened my eyes to a world I'd thought I'd never understand.

Shouldn't it be "I thought I'd never understand." because if you are translating what you said before it is "I would thought I would never understand." Do you get my point?

I guess all you have to really worry about is a little bit of grammar other than that your essay was very interesting and unique. I like it.
MHKHRY   
Dec 19, 2012
Undergraduate / I have always loved the arts and sciences; How Duke attracts you? [9]

(For Arts and Sciences Applicants Only) If you are applying to Trinity College of Arts and Sciences, please discuss why you consider Duke a good match for you. Is there something in particular at Duke that attracts you? Please limit your response to one or two paragraphs.

To upload a document in response to this question, please click the 'upload' button below. If your upload is successful, you will see a 'view document' button and a 'delete' button appear next to the question.

For as long as I can remember I have always loved the arts and sciences. My parents nurtured my interests by exposing me to certain resources, such as the l'Ouvre Museum in France and the Vatican Museum in Rome. I have never been more amazed by the beauty and grandeur of such establishments. Thus, I began integrating myself in these subjects too. I have been playing piano for about twelve years now, and I participate in several recitals. Drawing is also a relevant part in my life. Mrs. Protano, my elementary school art teacher encouraged my interest in drawing. As a result, in 2006, my drawing was recognized at the Student Art Exhibit of the Broward Public Schools. Furthermore, the arts helped me through some distressing times, including the recent loss of my aunt Manouchka and my mentor Floyd. I am also a member of a myriad of clubs at my school, such as the competitive National Science Honors Society, the Environmental Club, and SECME (a science engineering club). It is fantastic that Duke offers internships to students, a chance that the majority of other competitive schools don't offer, in order for them to experience their desired careers first-hand. I am one of those aspiring potential students who has a thirst for knowledge and an incentive to benefit society.
MHKHRY   
Dec 19, 2012
Undergraduate / ''Kaley'' , being dark in complexion - Personal Statement for Bucknell [6]

Early on, as little kids, I was taught that 2+2 is 4, but now I learnt some sneaky ways on how one could prove 2+2 =5 based on different assumptions and reference points, even if it made little sense.

-Here is another sentence that I thought needed to be changed. Tell me if this is helpful too.

"Early on, as a young child, I was taught that 2+2 is 4; however, now I am being told that, in some corrupt system, one could argue that 2+2=5. This is of course based on deceptive assumptions and devious reference points which are absolutely false. "
MHKHRY   
Dec 19, 2012
Undergraduate / ''Kaley'' , being dark in complexion - Personal Statement for Bucknell [6]

Being called 'kaley' (someone with dark complexion) probably has not left much of an emotional scar on me and neither have few harsh comments I received over my grades.

-Be assertive, did this or did this not leave a scar on you, and if it did how has your experiences helped you grow and become wiser.

Being called "kaley" (someone with dark complexion) has left only minor emotional scars on my spirits, nor have harsh comments concerning my grades degraded me.

-Other than that your essay is beautiful, expose racism in your essay for the evil that it is. Express yourself with confidence, pour your heart into this and MOVE man. Come to America it's nice here. (It is late and I am tired so I didn't go through your whole essay sorry, but if you need anymore help just ask me)
MHKHRY   
Dec 19, 2012
Undergraduate / H.G. Wells, in The Time Machine; Princeton Supp/ favorite quotation [5]

We are so in need of change if we are to avoid a future like that in H.G. Well's novel.

Why did you put "so"? I think that you should make the tone a little more formal..."Change is imperative if we are to avoid a future like that in H.G. Well's novel."

-This is just my opinion and other than that your essay is great.
MHKHRY   
Dec 19, 2012
Undergraduate / Common app essay about influential fictional character. "Don't forget the hyphen" [6]

Maybe it is because the majority of the essay is written about Spider-man. Try using a few less sentences to describe spider-man and then make the comparison to YOU, your life by giving a detailed example that explains why you felt so "inadequate"

(I don't know you but if you were mediocre I don't think that you would feel confident enough to have people criticize your work, you seem like a very cool person to me, just saying) :)

Can you review one of my essays please, preferably the one concerning NYU, thanks
MHKHRY   
Dec 19, 2012
Undergraduate / I was seduced by the beauty of the city; NYU Supp/ Why NYU? [9]

Your essay is great! Your writing is vibrant and interesting. I'm sorry but I can't seem to find anything wrong with it either. Just keep up with the good work!

(huh, I am envious of your writing skills) ;)
MHKHRY   
Dec 19, 2012
Undergraduate / Desire to pursue a career in medicine; Johns Hopkins/ Common App [6]

Can anyone give me an opinion on this short response. I could use some positive feedback. Thank you!

Bad writer in need of help please :)

A. NYU's global network provides students with hundreds of academic areas of interest for students to cultivate their intellectual curiosity and to help achieve their career goals. Whether you are entirely undecided about your academic plans or you have a definitive program of study in mind, what are your own academic interests? Feel free to share any thoughts on any particular programs or how you might explore those interests at NYU on any of our campuses. 1500 Characters

As a younger child living in rural Haiti all my scientific experiments consisted of observing small animals, such as dogs and bugs. It was not until I was in middle school that I began medical operations, such as bandaging people's injuries and attending CPR classes at Memorial Regional Hospital. My passion for biology, and science in general, began to thrive with the guidance of my mother, a middle school science teacher, and my father, who is an electrical engineer. While attending high school, I have frequently participated in many activities involving science, especially biology. I am a part of the National Honors Society, Environmental Club, and SECME a science engineering club. I volunteer at Memorial Hospital Miramar where I interact with the patients, clean their rooms, and help anyone that needs my assistants. For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to become a physician and help people. Also, living in a country where the hospitals are few and mediocre, and where few people are passionate about scientific makes me more aware importance of science. Hopefully, pursuing an education at NYU, and participating in some of the programs involving medicine, will enable me to reach my full potential in the science field and will ignite a greater desire in me to become a well distinguished individual.
MHKHRY   
Dec 19, 2012
Undergraduate / Passion for travel; Yale Supp/ Something you'd like to say more [15]

"Five months later I was boarding a plane for a 12 hour trip that would take me to a country whose language I didn't speak to spend a month with relatives I hadn't seen in years. It was this experience that definitely made me fall in love with travelling. " Put paranthizes (I made some changes, I don't know if you like them, they are just suggestions.)

-Boarding a plane for a 12 hour flight five months later, I journeyed to a country whose language I didn't speak, spending a month with relatives I hadn't seen in years. It was this experience that definitely made me fall in love with travelling.

OR you can just add a paranthesis between "speak" and "to"

Five months later I was boarding a plane for a 12 hour trip that would take me to a country whose language I didn't speak, to spend a month with relatives I hadn't seen in years. It was this experience that definitely made me fall in love with travelling.

I hope that I have helped you and good luck with your application to Yale!
MHKHRY   
Dec 19, 2012
Undergraduate / Common app essay about influential fictional character. "Don't forget the hyphen" [6]

Your essay is great! I think that this is very creative, however, brazilian01 is right, "Now the real question is: Am I ready?" doesn't really help you combine the two paragraphs. Also, the quote "with great power comes great responsibility" is not made by you, it is best to give credit where credit is due. So put that quote in parenthesizes.
MHKHRY   
Dec 19, 2012
Undergraduate / My aunt would help choose the course for me; NYU/ Academic interests? [7]

Can anyone please review my essays, I am a terrible writer. Positive feedback would be much appreciated.

I prefer to attend NYU New York, because I love New York, I love the plethora of cultures there and the exciting people that are found there. I was also born in New York and I have family living close by. Whenever I will need a hug or moral support my family will be there to help me and give me advice. I would feel more secure in myself It's not that I do not appreciate change but my heart is in New York. My aunt, Marie France Petion, also works at NYU New York and I guess that this is a bonus; she will help me choose what classes will best match my interests.
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