Posts by fishes

fishes

Dec 30, 2012

Undergraduate / hard work and dedication/ UVA Sup - World you come from [9]

If it's genuine enough then it's not cliche. I really liked your essay, it's straightforward and answers the prompt and isn't boring at all.

just a minor problem:
"As I sought the complications of engaging in a conversation with the Vietnamese girl next to me,"
your essay never makes clear where exactly you and your parents immigrated from. Is it Vietnam? This is kind of confusing. Since this is an essay about "the world you come from", you should at least state your country of origin.

fishes

Dec 26, 2012

Undergraduate / I build computers; Tufts / Celebrate your nerdy side [4]

"To my surprise, it booted up perfectly on the first try, and has had only a few issues in the three years that I've been using it.

Whenever something goes wrong with my computer, I don't get mad. I get excited for the opportunity to troubleshoot and fix it."

This is just a suggestion, but talking about the issues with the computer you built doesn't reflect positively on you
unless you directly connect it with the part about how you get excited to fix the issues that come up.
for example:
"To my surprise, it booted up perfectly on the first try.
and on the rare occasion that a problem comes up, I get excited for the opportunity to troubleshoot and fix it."

fishes

Dec 25, 2012

Undergraduate / Self Expression; Rice Main Essay- Influence and unique Perspective [3]

This is a really good essay, but it doesn't answer the prompt : "the unique life experiences and cultural traditions each student brings."

you can mention your journey through art, math and physics, but talk more about how being a Russian immigrant has influenced this.
for instance:
"Math was direct, governed by a straightforward set of rules, in comparison to the random and arbitrary tendencies of language. Throughout school, I would study English, Spanish, and French, but the universal language of math remained the same across all of them. Understanding a previously foreign concept brought a feeling of satisfaction, and with it, a desire for more."

here you could talk about how the cultural differences between Russia and America have led you to find solace in math, a universal language.

Maybe you need a straightforward conclusion addressing: "What perspective do you feel that you will contribute to life at Rice?" specifically.

good luck, I'm having a really hard time with this essay myself.

fishes

Dec 25, 2012

Undergraduate / I lived in 10 different houses in 7 different cities in four countries;Tufts Supp [3]

This is just an idea, feel free to ignore, but you could use the word "London" as a unifier and talk about how you've come full circle (being born in london, being raised in a different london) Emphasize on the humble, mom-is-an-accountant, upbringing vs. the huge cultural hub of London, England.

"We've stumbled upon some amazing places. Over the years, I've learned to love change rather than fear it." that's a good start, elaborate on that.

"I get bored if I'm doing the same thing all day every day." You could say this in a more positive way, for instance talk about how you're restless and always seeking new experiences.

It's good that you've mentioned the other places, but just keep that as a side note to avoid writing a list of been there, done that.

I don't know if you've seen this or not, but this was really helpful in writing my essays, Tufts is definitely looking for unique, quirky voices.

admissions.tufts.edu/blogs/inside-admissions/category/the-supplement/

fishes

Dec 25, 2012

Undergraduate / "Boys dont play with dolls"/ Tufts supp/ Unwritten rules of society [6]

Wow. I really like the concept you're going with; I think Tufts will love the unique perspective.

I think in the last paragraph you need to elaborate on your ideas about the social norm. "Child development is weird" is not enough. Talk about how you would like to learn more on social theory or maybe how you would raise your children differently or how you have learned to question and challenge the rules of society. "explain its significance to you."

Also, if you run into word limit issues, the opening dialogue is not really necessary. It's a more compelling opening to have you ripping open your toy.

good luck! this really set the bar for my essay, ha ha.

fishes

Dec 23, 2012

Undergraduate / I chose to become a civil engineer / Carnegie Mellon University Supp [4]

"Even though I would like to pursue a major in civil engineering, I would like to see what other programs Carnegie Mellon's Institute of Technology can offer. " this makes it sound like you don't know what the school offers, even though the rest of the essay shows you clearly do

Also another mistake is that your entire essay is one paragraph, it's just one long stream of conscience. This makes it hard to read. Even though colleges usually tell you not to follow the five paragraph high school English structure, this essay has no structure at all. It seems like you have good ideas and know what you want to do in life (which CMU likes), but separate your goals into paragraphs. For instance, civil engineering in one, extracurriculars in another, and so on.

I'm also writing this essay, so good luck.

fishes

Dec 23, 2012

Undergraduate / College of Arts and Sciences: What work of art music, science, mathematics prompt UVA [2]

Aside from the grammatical errors noted in the previous comments, there is also the subject matter. A lot of teenagers will talk about going through some musical awakening, so this doesn't distinguish you. Try to be concise on your initial reaction and talk more about how your life has changed. Maybe you've been introduced to more artists, or your perception of what music/art can do has changed, not just about how it sounds good. Maybe you've been motivated to express yourself creatively?

"by god I did not know the profound effect it would have on my taste of music." What was this effect exactly? Elaborate on that.

Hopefully this will help you think of a conclusion.

fishes

Dec 22, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Could be a game children like to play' - Where is Waldo? U Chicago [5]

Remember that U Chicago is asking this question because they want to find more about you. They want you to find a creative way to introduce yourself. You're exploring the question pretty well, but ultimately it doesn't say anything about yourself. There are too many "we"'s and "he"s, and not enough "I"s. I don't mean you have to rewrite the whole thing, just add more (since you're short on word count anyways).

I'm currently writing this essay too, so good luck!

fishes

Dec 22, 2012

Undergraduate / Rice Supplement / Why applying to school? Mathematical Economic Analysis [2]

"Business was not in my blood. "
Unless you want to elaborate on that more, this sentence is unnecessary.

"Like a businesswoman who tailors "

"can apply those economic theories and quantitative methods to analyze business enterprises and the product markets. The research opportunities with Houston-based partners on research and design projects that address real-world problems and issues "

Overall, I think you sound very professional and smart, but definitely reread it because there are more grammatical errors. I'm applying too, so good luck!

fishes

Dec 22, 2012

Undergraduate / UCHICAGO How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire [7]

"After all, I haven't really experienced University of Chicago, but the knowledge I have is based on the experiences of others and this is the kind of experience is what I can relate to."

Don't say that you haven't really experienced U Chicago, because the whole point of this essay is to demonstrate your interest in the school and readiness to attend.

"I spent one year of my high school was spent in the northern part of Nigeria. "
there's a typo.

"but became a drug for sleeping in class."
instead of admitting that you wanted to sleep in class you could talk about how you yearned for something more.

"I think because "
"I think" is unnecessary.

"As usually , I had to make my voice heard"
"As usual." What do you mean by that? Did you have similar experiences with this before? Elaborate or just take this out.

"the school was literally owned by a rich Muslim cleric"
"literally" is unnecessary.

"but how these cultures can shape me and I it."
typo here.

"Having decided to study Economics, University of Chicago is a place where I finally can have a chance to pose questions "
grammar error. You have decided to study economics, not uchicago.

", but by having a state of the art research facility, which University of Chicago provides for students."
another grammar error. there's no subject.

"A school with so many Nobel laureate winner is a place where fear is absent and curiosity is abundant ~~is a placewhere~~and I can truly be prepared to have an impact in the society."

and then you talk about the presidential elections, but you don't really relate it to the topic.
Overall I think it's great you compared UChicago to your old school in Nigeria and how that influenced you. But if you need to cut down the word count (which I think you do), you should cut out some of the sentences about your teacher's morality and focus more on how you tried to change your circumstances. There are a lot of little grammar errors, so you should definitely edit it more.

Sorry if this was a lot or if it seemed harsh, but I hope this helps. I'm applying to UChicago too. Good luck!

fishes

Dec 22, 2012

Undergraduate / Why CMU? Math/Business, MCS/Tepper [2]

This is kind of short of one-page, but I also want to be straightforward and not include any meaningless sentences just to add to the word count. This is pretty much what I'm planning to submit. Any critiques are welcome, don't be afraid to be harsh if you think it will help. Thanks!

Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.

Math is the pure universal truth. I am addicted to the magical satisfaction I get when I solve a problem, everything falls into place, the key clicks and I unlock that truth.

I grew up to the gentle sound of my mother tapping numbers into a computer while I played on the threadbare floor of her accounting office. I grew to love math when my fifth grade teacher taught me to see math not as simply numbers and shapes, but as puzzles that can be solved and patterns to be explored. Most importantly, he infused in me the confidence that I can be the one to solve and explore. From then on, I have taken the most challenging math classes offered and even a summer program at the local university. The further I have gone in my math education, the more I have realized that mathematical puzzles and problems are omnipresent in every single field - Physics is applied calculus, Computer Science is mathematical logic. But what fascinated me the most was that knowledge of advanced math gives people the ability to calculate the possibilities of each investment in the financial market. It goes back to the problems my teacher gave me when I was ten - how many combinations of coins can make up a dollar? What's the most amount of candy Tommy can buy with a set amount of allowance? Explore the possibilities. Solve the puzzle. Unlock the answer. It was at that point that math became tangible to me - a science that not only helps me to understand the world, but to change it. This is what attracted me to a Carnegie Mellon education.

I am interested in an interdisciplinary education in the Mellon College of Science and Tepper School of Business because I want a math education which I can apply to the business world. To simplify the expression above: the BS in Computational Finance is a program tailored for me. When I research the necessary qualifications for a financial engineer, it is daunting: advanced knowledge of calculus and computer programming is a given, but also theoretical physics and electrical engineering? Yet because of CMU's structured programs, I feel reassured that I can learn all of this. Because of the MCS's focus on applied math and the opportunities that Tepper offers, I am assured that I will have adaptable skills in an ever changing world.

I want to study at Carnegie Mellon not only for the resources it would provide - faculty accessibility, research opportunities, top-notch programs - but also because it is a school that encourages interdisciplinary collaboration and learning, research, and internship experience. It is a place where I might live in the same dorm as somebody from a different background holding a different perspective, a place where I can race buggies and guard sacred fences. Here I can have the eye-opening experience that college is supposed to be. I would not only have the knowledge I need for the real world, but also the collaborative skills.

And finally: In my future career as a financial engineer by day, I secretly hope to be a prolific artist by night. Carnegie Mellon means that I could take classes in the College of Fine Arts and continue my interest in art.