Unanswered [5]
  

Posts by mr_scottyt
Joined: Dec 30, 2012
Last Post: Dec 31, 2012
Threads: 1
Posts: 9  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 10
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mr_scottyt   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / Social Work and Death - Common App [3]

If you are looking to cut down from the current 500 words i might work with the "hackneyed saying" sentence. perhaps get rid of the first part and reconstruct the second to say something not so cliche.

overall there really isnt much to restructure because it is already very sound. excellent job on this
good luck!
mr_scottyt   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / Girls/ Night Walks/ Candy/ Scatter minded; Stanford Roommate [7]

reading this without knowing you, after the first paragraph i am getting an idea of you that you are VERY socially awkward and unable to effectively communicate with others. this is NOT a quality you want to convey even if you are. you approach it later in a more light-hearted manner, but i am still left with the sense that you cant work with 50% of the population.

i highly recommend you consider rewriting your start...
and you made a joke at your own expense, funny, but again you are bashing yourself with this essay (the one about not playing sports)
mr_scottyt   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / Make others Happy; Yale/ What matters? [3]

the yale supplement limit is 500 words. i want to use my "what matters?" stanford 2000 character essay for the yale one but dont want to come across as lazy for only writing 355 words.

can you tell me if i should add anything/not use it?

I raced into my brother's room, still feeling the euphoria of his reaction to my last gift. I flung open his closet door and searched for a favorite toy of his. Wrapping paper in hand, I kidnapped a stuffed animal and made it back to my room unseen. My four year old hands trembled with excitement as I hastily covered the animal's fleece coat with birthday gift wrap.

At such an early age, I yearned for the jubilation I got from providing others with happiness. I viewed wrapping up favorite toys of my brothers and sisters and re-giving them as a foolproof way of achieving such happiness because I already knew they would love what lay hidden beneath the decorative exterior. My motives were innocent; I was simply trying to revive the same pleasure I had felt after giving my first present.

Many years and inches later, I began volunteering for the county food bank to collect, deliver, or sort food items. It was not until last year that I realized the impact I was making on some of the lives around me. The recent economic recession left a close friend of mine's father out of work for over a year. Struggling already to pay the house mortgage, the family began to rely on the county food bank for many common groceries. My work not only helped my friend and her family, but scores of other members of my community.

Although my days of wrapping my siblings' toys as gifts have passed, my love of providing others with joy has not. I have learned that gifts are not the only way for me to give to others. There are many different ways to help others, both directly and indirectly.

My passion of giving to others has led me from re-giving toys to my siblings to volunteering in my local food bank. Whatever mode of service or giving I am able to provide, I am left with the same feeling of extraordinary satisfaction. Although I am providing service to others, I almost feel a sense of selfishness because I receive so much pleasure from doing so.
mr_scottyt   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / "Tesla?"; It was my mistake.; UVa Supp/ [4]

no commas necessary after "we named her tesla"; "loves to bite and scratch"; optional comma after "they tell me" i would probably take it out, some may argue it doesnt go there. delete the "and" in "close the door, and immediately" that will rid your comma mistake.

many AOs dont like contractions too...
good luck!
mr_scottyt   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / High quality education/ universal life experience; BROWN UNIVERSITY/ Why? [4]

specifically the use of "countless new people" jumped out at me as awkward. there are a lot of options to use in replacement of countless and i think you should go with one of those (thats personal opinion not a grammar rule or anyhting)

the sentence beginning with "although..." that goes into dishes was set up with "although" which indicates a contradiciton, but none was made...use a different transition there and you will be gravy

if you are looking for a more major edit, you brought up how your "insatiable hunger" to learn was the main reason, but then said you didnt satisfy that hunger in high school and move on. i suggest you talk more about that hunger specifically, or dont call it the main reason

overall it is a very well written essay! you should feel great about what you have done, these are very nit-picky corrections
best of luck to you!
mr_scottyt   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / The Rubik's Cube ; Common App Essay/ Significant experience/ achievement [4]

paragraph 3 maybe vary the word choice from "beat" to something else. found a soln. solved the puzzle. it was just a bit too repetitive for me.

eliminate all contractions- they are seen as informal writing
i would take out "the most valuable lesson" let the admissions people decide which is the most valuable, dont tell them. this will prompt more of their own thoughts about your essay, which works to your advantage

i wrote about a rubiks cube in a completely different way, so this was quite interesting to read. you really did an excellent job in the topic. i like how you did not focus on your personal solutions, but stayed with the lessons learned more.

best of luck to you
mr_scottyt   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / Hi, I'm Ibrahim! ; Stanford Roommate [4]

the stanford essay is due jan 1st so thats not tomorrow first of all. not sure what time zone you are in, but it is due by 1159 on jan 1.

with regards to your essay, id advise you against using contractions because they are seen as informal writing (unless you are trying to be informal)

also check how laidback is spelled i think it should be laid-back or laid back but not pushed together like it is
best of luck to you!
mr_scottyt   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Steve Prefontaine; Stanford Supp/ Future Roommate -- [3]

i think you may have focused on running a bit too much here. admissions officers want to get to know you, not what you like to do or how much/what you eat.

focus on why you like to run. does it help you think and contemplate life? do you like to be in control and have knowledge that you can go anywhere you want on your runs?

try to emphasize the YOU in running, rather than simply showing it as one of your hobbies. i think you have a start with the quote, but maybe analyze it a bit more and explain how and why it applies to you.

at the moment, the essay is a bit too broad, let them know about YOU
mr_scottyt   
Dec 30, 2012
Essays / Tips on writing UBC Supplemental for Business? [4]

overall common app essay question?

is the general common app essay looked upon as more important than supplemental essays, even if both are required by the school?
i have a prompt asking for a creative essay as a supplement, which i would like to use my general common app essay for (because the general one is better). then i could use a letter to roommate (which i have already written but isnt as strong) as my general.
mr_scottyt   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / How France Made Me Change Schools/ Common App [7]

it seems no one has replied, so i will! i didnt look for grammar mistakes but my overall feedback is as follows:
i think you could make it a more "grabbing" introduction if you presented the problem in a more dramatic fashion. perhaps focus on when you were told you options to make a decision? then you can go in to detail about why after that

in the conclusion, rather than focusing on how you are looking to the future and not really considering the past, focus on the qualities that you possess that allowed you to make the decision. it sounds as if you were thoughtful, considered all potential options then selecting the best one. you clearly do not regret it so you chose the best option for you.

decisiveness and thoughtfulness are qualities that colleges are looking for, and i think you should present them more explicitly in your conclusion. you currently are relying on interpretation to find those qualities.

the topic is interesting and i think if you make these changes to the intro and concl you can have a very good essay
best of luck to you!
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