Undergraduate /
Brad's music/humor & pop/ creative approaches; Internship/What I'd bring and take [2]
What does
(you're talking about two people - Brad Paisley and yourself, so you should use "do" instead) Brad Paisley and I have in common? Well, technically none
(change to "nothing") . I was not born to a family of country music lovers. I have never gotten a chance to write music, not to mention my embarrassing guitar skills.
(either connect the two previous sentences in some way or begin them differently - don't start two adjacent sentences similarly unless you have a purpose and your purpose is made clear) However, to much of my surprise, Brad and I share many similar personality traits.
One of my all-time favorite songs from him
(change to "by him") is "A Letter to Me", which features the singer himself giving sound advices
(no such word as advices, replaces with "advice) to his teen-aged self on dealing with youth issues.
(this sentence is a tad bit awkward) . This song is truly inspirational, (get rid of comma - it's not necessary here) and it resonates with my reflective character. I am a person who constantly seeks ways to improve myself.
(you can make this less wordy by simply stating, "I constantly seek ways to improve myself" - this is just a pet peeve of mine, though) I treat every single failure as a lesson, an opportunity to reflect rather than just an obstacle. Of course, often these failures may come at me unbearably,
(that's kind of confusing - reword) but I tend to "bounce back" shortly after. Because I know I am proactive;
(replace semicolon with comma - also, I would change this to "Because I am proactive) I prefer to make the right choices
(add "rather" - also elaborate on making the right choices) than to complain about everything
(add "that") happens in life. Instead of writing a letter, I have a habit of keeping a journal of what I learn, then later I would review them like study notes.
(the first part of the sentence is too word - say "I keep a journal of what I learn" instead -- and when you "review them", what's them? Say something like "later I review my journal")Brad determined to be a successful country music artist at a ripe age of thirteen. With ambition, he began to write songs, took intensive guitar lessons and started a band with his family friends.
(this sentence lacks parallelism - if he began to write songs, then he also began to take guitar lessons and [b]start[b] a band - you need to keep your verb tenses constant throughout your essay) After getting a degree in music business and inducted into the prestigious Jamboree Hall of Fame
(again, verb tenses) , Brad was immediately offered a song-writing contract. His road to fame was officially laid. Similar to Brad, I like to plan ahead
(you've never demonstrate Brad's tendency to plan ahead) and take measurable steps to achieve my goals. I have been thinking about college since middle school,
(elaborate on this) and I followed the "5 year plan" that I designed to get acceptances from desire
(replace with "desired") colleges. You may call me "instrumental", but I believe the best way to predict the future is to plan it, to invent it. As my friend Chris says, "Early better than sorry!"
(this quote doesn't really make much sense)Brad's music is famous for the humor and pop culture reference. The way he cooperates
(do you mean combines?) these elements into his songs is brilliant, proving that he is not only an excellent songwriter, but also a quite creative guy. An architecture and music fanatic, I am trained to think artistically and in unorthodox ways. Once I am given a topic or a project, I could
(get rid of "could) easily think of thousands of ways to make it happen at a drop of a hat.
(this sounds like you're bragging - I don't really like it, but others might not mind it) To me, being creative is more than just a skill; it is my second nature. In my application, I ranked policy as my first area of interest,
(get rid of the comma) because I have done similar (but more simplified) competitions in high school.
(you've done similar competitions? What? Are you applying for a place to compete in a competition or something?) It required intensive logical reasoning and creative approaches to tackle the issues presented. I enjoyed working as a team and contributed my effort into policy making.
Country music gives people an impression of sadness and dark, and that is one of the reasons why the genre is not as popular as pop or hip-hop. To break the norm, Brad has tried to employ a different tone when writing music in hopes of broadening the fan base. I applied to the internship to achieve the same thing: to break the norm. Politics has always been foreign to me. However, after taking a political science class in college, I have found interest in this field and would like to explore more in depth through the internship. Furthermore, my intended career path leans towards tax policies or tax law. Politics and tax has
(have, not has) long been closely intertwined, and I believe my experience at the Governor's office would put me in gear for my future's career. Finally, the internship will provide me abundant of hands-on experience and will sharpen my communication skills. I am looking forward to it, and
(add "am") ready for all the challenges ahead.
Just a few general comments - you need to work on your verb tenses. They're all over the place. Same with commas - you often put in commas where you don't need any. Also, your individual paragraphs are good, but they don't flow together. At all.
I hope this helped! Sorry if I was kind of
really blunt - I find that being blunt helps more.
