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Posts by chocolateshoppe
Joined: Jan 4, 2013
Last Post: Jan 6, 2013
Threads: 5
Posts: 19  
From: Canada

Displayed posts: 24
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chocolateshoppe   
Jan 6, 2013
Undergraduate / My Love - Soccer Commonapp Short answer Question [6]

Hello haha so I'm not sure you should say

physical exhaustion

is what you love. Do you mean the rush of adrenaline instead? Or perhaps the thrill of knowing you played a good game? I'm a cross country runner and I definitely understand that there's just something so great after a match/race.

Just a suggestion :) Good job!
chocolateshoppe   
Jan 5, 2013
Undergraduate / importance of first impressions - knowledge gained outside school [3]

They huddle outside the doors, congregating in the same groups they have maintained for three years now and seeking the familiar in anticipation of the unknown.

Meanwhile, we huddle inside in a similar fashion, seeking instead to pass around last minute instructions andto ensure that everyone is well informed of their roles.

The freshmen won't learn these by listening to lecture after lecture; they'll learn them by observing and mimicking older members during their first couple of days with the band .

This is a really well written piece, I really like your wording! especially

seeking the familiar in anticipation of the unknown

Just try not to use contractions too much, it takes away from the professionalism of the response.
Also, the ending is weak, try to sum up what you have learned in more than just a simple sentence. Perhaps state the importance of this knowledge (to show why you have chosen to write about it in the first place).

Other than that, it's great!! Good luck and can you look over some of my stuff too? Thanks :)
chocolateshoppe   
Jan 5, 2013
Undergraduate / A PERMANENT MARK; COMMON APP/Significant experience [3]

I stood in front of the mirror, silently

the comma is unnecessary

glaring conspicuously on my left cheek. As if it deliberately wanted me to look ugly.

glaringly conspicuous would work better, I think. Also, substitute a comma for the period.

but its fading could take time.

but it would take time for it to fade away.

and it was time I become a man

It should be became.

Wow, your content is great! I really like how you learned to be more accepting of yourself in the face of others. Take Kitsumi's suggestions and mine and you should be golden! Good luck.
chocolateshoppe   
Jan 5, 2013
Scholarship / Trying new things/ Skating; Leadership based SCHOLARSHIP/ Experience [2]

Prompt: Describe one memorable event or experience which provided you with a new outlook on life.

This is for a leadership-based scholarship, does this essay work well with the concept of leadership or no?
It's okay as far as content goes, but is my message coming across to you?

Please correct any mistakes THANK YOU

**************************************************************
Zip lining, talent shows, and rock-climbing: ideas that would have been completely alien to my old self, but nothing new to my new self. I used to think that my goal in life was to focus on the things I'm good at and to excel at them. I rarely ventured out of my little bubble, my safe haven. "Will I look dumb trying this if I have never done so before?" goes the question that echoed in my mind whenever I was faced with something new. However, I came upon an astounding revelation: I was afraid of trying new things for fear of making mistakes and looking dumb. I suppose this affects everybody to some extent but my revelation made me realize that I was not living life to its fullest extent. I mean, what's life without some mistakes to learn from? A dull one, that's what. It was not so much that I needed to make more mistakes, but rather that I gain more from this heck of an exciting world. How would I know what I'm good at if I don't try it out? This revelation changed my outlook on life. This all came about one very special day: December 27, 2010.

It was a cloudless winter day, and the white snow covered the ground for as far as the eye could see. Cheeks red from the cold and smiling from ear to ear, I was skating at an outdoor rink with my good friend from elementary school. She had called me the night before, inviting me and telling me about the skates her uncle had given her for Christmas. Even though she had only skated once or twice in the entirety of her life, she was totally willing to give it a shot. "Sure!" I told her, "I love skating." Taking her first couple of shaky steps on the ice, she flailed her arms trying to keep up upright. Barely able to contain my laughter, I guffawed when she went down and landed on her bum. Not looking embarrassed nor sheepish at all, I found her grinning up at me. She came up laughing, and continued to skate. After another four or five falls, I was becoming amused by the number of looks she was getting. With a wave of her hand, she laughed and said, "let them look all they want, I'm going to fall enough that I'll never fall again! I'll be a world-renowned skater." And so, infected by her undeniable cheerfulness, I fell with her. We laughed and giggled all the way through. I did not care that I was falling and that I was looking foolish. It was winter break! And that's when it hit me. Why couldn't I have this attitude all the time?

My friend reminded me of the care free and easy-going nature of my childhood. I spent days playing with mud, climbing trees, and going on adventures with my brother. Nothing was quite like it. I had absolutely no care in the world. I made mistakes, I fell a lot, I got my clothes dirty, but I was enjoying life way too much to worry about these petty details. I realized that this was my true self. It had gotten locked away inside me because of the stress of wanting to meet the high expectations of everyone around me; my family, my peers, my teachers. My friend gave me the encouragement to stay true to myself, to make mistakes and not be scared of the outcome. She has restored my sense of adventure, my fearlessness and my desire to try new things. My originally straight path has now branched into so many more possibilities because I realize, by trying new things, I could be so much more. I know now that I cannot let mistakes deter me from living the full potential of my life. I learned that mistakes are to be treasured, because they can tell me a lot about myself and I can improve based on these mistakes.

Albeit I still don't welcome mistakes with open arms, they no longer have such great control over me. I learned to appreciate my mistakes; I learn from them, I laugh at them and I certainly do not shy away from them like a panicked bat caught in the sunlight. Live, love, laugh. That's my motto. You only live once, after all.
chocolateshoppe   
Jan 5, 2013
Undergraduate / PROBLEM WITH SPEAKING ENGLISH; Education interruption essay [Commonapp application] [3]

As thebeing the backbone of the family, my father has constantly found the urge to takeseeked outbetter opportunities for his children's education regardless ofhow many times we have moved to different cities in Indonesiathe number of times we have moved . However, I only learned under Indonesian education system back then . I have only ever been instructed under the Indonesian education system back then.

In June 2010, right after I finishedfinishing 10th grade, my father told me that we were moving to a neighboring country called Malaysia. Unfortunately, I had an extremely low experience of speaking English to go to an international school I had not the sufficient level of English to attend an English-speaking international school. This had led me to take a five-month intensive English course to prepare myself to attend an English-speaking school .

After five months of learning English, I enrolled in the International School of Kuala Lumpur in the middle of the school year. I decided to repeat the sophomore year as it was thought to be necessary to prepare for college.

Some grammar points, get your English teacher to check it. Your content is alright, so if you want to make it more outstanding, make your words pop out more!

I hope that helps.

Can you look at my essays titled: What does it mean to be well-educated AND what do you consider to be an act of folly? THANKS
chocolateshoppe   
Jan 5, 2013
Scholarship / I Took a Risk - I joined the Cross Country Team SCHOLARSHIP [2]

Prompt: Describe a time you challenged yourself by taking on a task/project you felt was beyond your scope and capability at the time. Why did you do it?

What happened?

Thank you! I would appreciate any input :)
****************************************************************

When I joined cross country in the ninth grade, all I had in mind were the intentions of joining a team I had never joined before, stick with it for the four years of high school and grow together with it. However, before then, I had never done any running-related competitions, save for the occasional lap or two in middle school gym class. I wasn't sure what to expect, and sure enough, I almost passed out from exhaustion during and after the first practice of a merely 20 minute run. But in a way, I liked it because I felt that I was able to challenge myself physically in a way that I have never done before. I wanted to improve, become faster and run alongside the fastest runners on the team. And so, still being one of the slowest people on the team, I continued to attend practices. Over time, I found myself gradually noticing changes in my body's physique. My legs became more toned from all the workouts we did, and there were less panting involved and more controlled breathing. Although I still couldn't keep up with the leads, I never gave up. The one thing I never allowed myself to do was stop, no matter how tired I was. I permitted myself to slow down, if necessary, but never stop because cross country was all about the endurance. As the season went on, I found that I wasn't the slowest at all. The summer of that grade, I really put my foot down and became determined to run everyday to improve. And so I did. I ran with the fastest boy on the team and my brother. We always ran long runs of 40 minutes or more in the wooded area by the school. After two years of training, I became a captain and a role model for the younger runners. I have never regretted my decision to join the cross-country team.
chocolateshoppe   
Jan 5, 2013
Undergraduate / Cheerleading/ Differing Personalities/ Ultimate experience; USC [3]

Four years ago, my best friend pleaded for me to accompany her to our high school cheerleading try outs - I was persuaded by my best friend to attend the cheer leading tryouts with her.

> plead - informal, too whiny-seeming
> accompany - seems as if you did not try out

I hesitantly agreed hesitantly , never imagining that cheerleading would become one of the most exhilarating and life changing opportunities I've been involved in - that I have ever been involved in.

The extreme rushadrenaline of Friday night football games, basketball gamessports matches and school assembly performances in front of large crowds makesmade my heart race, my palms sweat and itcreated an explosive adrenaline rush. As a flyer, the biggest thrill came from being thrown 10 feet into the air, doing one legged stunts and trusting three girls with my safety . The most rewarding feeling is the exhaustion after a 54 second performance of a routine we have worked and stressed over for months, is finally successfully executed . These proud moments are not shared alone, they are shared with my teammates, who, regardless of differing personalities and lifestyles, have become my best friends and make cheer leading the ultimate(substitute a better word) experience.

2 major problems:
1. Verb tenses - don't be jumping from past to present to past to present. Keep in one tense only.
2. Problem with grammar - i.e. parallel structure, run-on sentences. I've patched up what I could, but I haven't got all of them.

Check your grammar!!! Important. And my essays too please :) THANKS
chocolateshoppe   
Jan 5, 2013
Graduate / I find Biochemical Engineering interesting ; Personal Statement for PhD [4]

This is really well written - not only is the writing well-done but the content is great too! I am no way up to your standard in writing, but even I can tell that this is a great piece of work. I hope you go far in life!

Please look at my essays too thank you! :)
chocolateshoppe   
Jan 5, 2013
Undergraduate / Fan of Science/ Chemistry & Medicine; USC / Academic Interests [4]

One suggestion: maybe change highest grades to just high grades? I mean yes I believe you but it sounds too much like you are advertising yourself rather than telling USC why you want to be their student.

Also, there's not much of a conclusion is there? You gotta wrap it up. Give the reader a final note to ponder about. Leave an everlasting impression.

Your content is not bad, but check grammar again! Some run-on sentences. Watch out.
chocolateshoppe   
Jan 5, 2013
Undergraduate / 'I did this and my property' - WHY UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO? [8]

Neat essay! I really like how you approached it with the phrase with "I did this".

Change due to its small size to perhaps due to its small number of students. Small size sounds awkward.
I have two motivations --> perhaps to "Two reasons/causes motivate me" - again, awkward.

Your sentences are on the long side, rambling on sometimes, so read them out loud (Trust me, it helps!).
1. If anything sounds awkward orally, then you know it's awkward in writing.
2. If you run out of breath while reading a sentence, then it's way too long! Cleave in half, find a point where you can break it into two.

The ideas are great though, you show a great deal of passion.

Please look at my essays too please and thank you :)
chocolateshoppe   
Jan 5, 2013
Undergraduate / I tried to be unique. Common app essay. [4]

Oh man I just posted a comment and it seems to have disappeared into thin air. Oh well. I'll just have to summarize it for you then.

1. Define your intro/conclusion more, I was confused.
2. I am going to say 75% no mainly because I was confused and I didn't really see the impact on you. - (see what others say first though!)

3. But: great phrases, well worded, I like it ;)

Aha keep up the good work.
chocolateshoppe   
Jan 5, 2013
Undergraduate / Doctor Who; COMMON APP/ Act of folly [6]

Ha..ha...yeah you are right on both counts....I really should be in bed by now. Just watch, I'm totally not going to be able to get up for school in 2 days speaking of which DON'T REMIND ME.

For the tone, I think it's whatever style that represents you best. For me I chose to be informal because honestly I don't enjoy formal writing. Yours seem to be lighthearted but formal-ish.
chocolateshoppe   
Jan 5, 2013
Essays / What does it mean to be well-educated? Book smart vs. Street smart [5]

Prompt: what does it mean to be well-educated?

I feel like this response is kind of going in loops. I guess it does answer the question, but I'm wondering if it answers it thoroughly enough?

Thank y'all in advance! :D

************************************************

She spent all her days in the library, and now she's completed her Master's degree with top notch marks! Is she well-educated? Maybe, but not quite. He dropped out of college halfway through but with that cunning mouth of his, he can get himself into anywhere! Is he well-educated? Perhaps, but not really. The term 'well-educated' is really quite amorphous, and the meaning tends to shift quite a bit from decade to decade. Back in the 19th century, well-educated meant having the right etiquette to behave correctly in all situations, including speaking multiple languages to greet foreign guests. In modern day 21st century, being well-educated is certainly affiliated with the achievement of numerous degrees and certificates. It's as if the word well-educated is having an identity crisis! What does it mean, really? It's a matter of street-smart vs. book smart. The typical Victorian lady may be well-mannered and all, but she really doesn't have the necessary knowledge to survive a real crisis. As for the book smart guy, when it comes to asking a girl out on a date, he's clueless! Now I may be exaggerating a bit but what I'm trying to say is that well-educated person needs to be well-rounded, a mixture of both street smart AND book smart. This person is sociable, can think outside of a textbook yet can also benefit from textbook knowledge. Eureka! That there, madames and monssieurs, is what I call a well-educated individual.
chocolateshoppe   
Jan 5, 2013
Undergraduate / Doctor Who; COMMON APP/ Act of folly [6]

Haha thanks I was going for eye-capturing but I guess cute works too.

And yeah some stupid mistakes you caught there. OOPS. As I said, it's pretty rough.
chocolateshoppe   
Jan 5, 2013
Undergraduate / Foolish means lacking in sense, judgement and/or discretion; What is an act of folly? [10]

This is pretty well-written. I like it! it's short, concise, and pretty darned clever. Haha almost makes me want to completely rewrite mine....:$

Anyway, the comment about the baby formula seems kinda random, so you might want to either expand more on it or cut it out.

As for a conclusion, you should personify the response a bit because to me right now, it seems very generalized (albeit it is clever). Try asking yourself, what has caused me to consider such an act to be an act of folly?

Mac is looking to see YOU, after all :)
chocolateshoppe   
Jan 5, 2013
Undergraduate / I am defined by my inquisitiveness - SUPPLEMENT [6]

Aha okay will do. Thanks for the feedback though, adding what you suggested will make it more in-depth :)

Plus, how do you do the "help with mine" thing? :P

Take a look at my other 2 threads, coming soon!
chocolateshoppe   
Jan 5, 2013
Undergraduate / Doctor Who; COMMON APP/ Act of folly [6]

Hi all! This is pretty rough so any input would be greatly appreciated :) You can be harsh, I can take it.

I did make a reference to Doctor Who as I am quite a fanatic :P But I really am not sure, so your honest opinions please! Does it draw you in or does it backfire?

What verbs can I use to replace "says"?
**************************************************

"Sail of the century, reduce the Earth to molten slabs and sell it piece by piece. There's a recession out there, Doctor, people are buying cheap. This rock becomes raw fuel", says the Raxacoricofallapatorian Blon. "At the cost of 5 billion lives", says the Doctor. "Bargain", Blon grins. "I give you a choice. Leave this planet, or I'll stop you", threatens the Doctor. Blon sneers in disbelief. Of course, the Doctor ultimately outwits the bug-eyed alien and reduces it to no more than a harmless egg. Each of Blon's foolish acts tops the previous and this amasses to what I call: sheer folly. First of all, she should know better. The Doctor is not to be joked around with, being a Time Lord and all. The second - her parents, whoever they are, must not have brought her up right, as she is completely willing to make money (for herself, mind you) at the expense of five billion humans! That requires an utter and complete lack of good sense. Insane even. Someone who hurts others around him (or it, you never know) solely for the purpose of personal benefit is what I consider to be THE act of folly. They step on others to get ahead but really, they are backstabbing themselves because who would want to support the person that stepped on them on the way up? I wouldn't, that's for sure. Albeit the competition gets fierce sometimes, I would never resort to hurting others (and 5 million at that, too!) in order to benefit myself. It goes against everything I believe in. Again, two words: sheer folly.
chocolateshoppe   
Jan 4, 2013
Undergraduate / Cultural barriers/ Forming friendships; LOYOLA MARYMOUNT/ Critical Thinking [4]

I find your topic very interesting:) Being Asian myself, although not of Korean descent, I've often noticed such cultural clashes as well! I think the experiences you described do show me how the two cultures affected your character and mindset, but I'm not really seeing where the critical thinking comes into play!

Also, the last sentence is kind of weak. It's too...typical and exactly what I expected. It's kind of like when someone concludes by saying "in conclusion...". Make sure your conclusion is more thoughtful, not necessarily philosophical or anything like that, but maybe a projection into the future?

I'd also like to point out that some phrases lean towards being slightly "too informal", it's hard to pinpoint what exactly, but make sure you revise it.

I hope it helps!

Could you look over my short essay titled: My inquisitiveness defined by my inquisitiveness - SUPPLEMENT? Thanks.
chocolateshoppe   
Jan 4, 2013
Graduate / What is the best country in the world? URUGUAY [4]

You really captured the essence of Uruguay in your short essay although I would advise you to revise the grammatical structure of some of your sentences.

Make it clear from the beginning that you are from Uruguay to make sure that there are no misconceptions - I was a little misled in the beginning believing that you were not a native of Uruguay.

But overall, great work! Try to connect your sentences a little more as well :)

Best of Luck!
chocolateshoppe   
Jan 4, 2013
Undergraduate / I am defined by my inquisitiveness - SUPPLEMENT [6]

WOW - I'm just bowled over by all of the great essays on this forum!

Anyway this is really kind of rough so any input (grammatical..etc) from you guys would be much appreciated! If you have any essays for me to look at, I would gladly do so :)

The original question: what in your opinion defines you as you?

I found out from online that this question would be looked at first by fourth year students so I really tried to make it interesting. Although is it too much? Did I stray too much from the original question? How should I change it? Thank you so much! (the limit is 1500 characters by the way)

**************************************

There, the fleeting shadow of a dark ponytail. A laugh. A nod. Another question. The ponytail swings from side to side. This ponytail, sometimes long, sometimes short and even curly at times, always trailing behind the same girl, stargazing in her tiny pink overalls or attending conferences in a well-fitted blazer. Growing over the years and maturing, she never lost the sparkle of curiosity behind her eyes and the questions, always on the tip of her tongue. Daddy, how can fish breathe in water? Why does the Sun disappear at night? Her questions scattered through time and space. Mister, why does gravity not act on the satellites in space? The world spins around her, so full of kinks and twists. Always the first to ask, always wanting to understand the complex world around her. Quick flashes of memory: sitting in her mom's lap and pointing to the strange-looking animal on the TV screen. Holding a page of questions and asking her biology teacher about cellular respiration. As the legends say, she is what is known as: inquisitive. For sure, she is inquisitive, and she is me. For as long as I can remember, I have been asking questions. This inquisitiveness defines me as me and I am going to carry this trait for as long as I live. Who knows, maybe one day my questions will chance upon an astounding discovery...to be shared with the rest of you, of course!
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