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Posts by jkjeremy
Joined: Jan 13, 2013		 Last Post: Aug 27, 2013
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Posts: 380  
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From: United States of America

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jkjeremy   
Jan 23, 2013
Undergraduate / I want to become a TROJAN; PR STATEMENT OF INTENT-USC! [11]

What's the essay prompt?

There's no way to really help with this without knowing the writing task.

However, I can make these comments:

1. Put away the thesaurus. Words like "ample" and "opulence" don't fit in an essay that uses the phrase "put me in a happy place."

2. Dispense with the exclamation points.

3. Remove the words "great" and "happy." They don't mean anything.

4. You've misused the transition word "nonetheless."

5. Roderick Scott is, I presume, only one person. He can't be "an alumni."

I have one last comment (unless you'd like more help).
jkjeremy   
Jan 23, 2013
Undergraduate / Not yet an artist; Parsons (New School) BFA / "ARTIST STATEMENT" [4]

is this better? I feel as though a lot of the sentences will sound awkward if I change them to a variation of "me" or "myself" instead of "I"

You cannot just substitute another personal pronoun for another. It doesn't solve the problem.

This sentence is a step in the right direction:

Living in an area where it's easy to get lost in the beauty of nature, I try to reflect this beauty in the work I create.

Now you have to get rid of the repeat of the word "beauty." With few exceptions, no two important words should appear in the same sentence.
jkjeremy   
Jan 23, 2013
Undergraduate / Tufts "let your life speak" - why I want to be a doctor [9]

You're not a "bad" writer---what I say here is intended to help...

1. Your initial concerns are valid. Your first two paragraphs are almost totally irrelevant to the prompt.

2. "Hooks" are highly overrated and usually done incorrectly.

3. You have quite a lot more "space" than you think you do. When's it due?

No amount of proofreading or editing can mitigate the problem of being off-topic.

However, I'll address some of the problems present in this draft as I fear you'll repeat them in subsequent drafts:

1. The following are cliches. This means that they are NOT your own words.

sharp pains
I can...tell
it is going to rain
Needless to say
over the years
I know the feeling
live their lives (even though it appears in the prompt)
hard work
rest assured
worth it
look forward

2. Don't try to replace one word with another. It's impossible. The word "precipitation" sticks out like a sore thumb . <---CLICHE lol

The word "service" has an almost infinite number of meanings. This is EXACTLY why colleges ask questions like this. They want to see who can---and can't---say something totally new and original.

I do suggest that you rewrite this essay. However, I don't want you to do it just yet.

First, I'd like for you to write between 200 and 400 words telling what the word "service" means to YOU---not what it means to the world, but to jps. While writing, do NOT concern yourself with impressing anyone. Use the language you would use while talking to a friend. (We'll worry about vocabulary, etcetera, another time.) You can even use cliches if you need to.

Spend no more than 45 minutes on this. I want your least perfect work.

If you choose to do this, I want to see NOTHING involving doctors or the medical profession.

You're obviously a bright, skilled, and ambitious person. I don't want this essay to do anything to harm your chances of getting into BC.
jkjeremy   
Jan 23, 2013
Undergraduate / Tufts "let your life speak" - why I want to be a doctor [9]

This essay requires a handful of significant changes. However, it's impossible for me to really help you without knowing the exact prompt. Would you mind posting it?

I will check in tomorrow and see whether you'd like me to comment further. (It's very late here right now.)
jkjeremy   
Jan 15, 2013
Undergraduate / Small accessible classes/ Group Study/ Ballet Club/ Debate & Speech; Why Brandeis U? [38]

Well, let's hope you feel that way when the next (and final) body paragraph is done...

Ten more min or less I hope.

In the meantime, I need you to write 50-75 words telling me what you've learned about yourself during your high school years. If you wish, you can comment on how you've changed.

Don't worry---I haven't forgotten about the word count.

Write in your own voice. Don't use any big words. Write as though you're talking to a friend.
jkjeremy   
Jan 15, 2013
Undergraduate / Small accessible classes/ Group Study/ Ballet Club/ Debate & Speech; Why Brandeis U? [38]

I've changed the order of your paragraphs. Below are the first two. I'm working on the third one right now. PROOFREAD THESE; I'm moving as quickly as I can.

INDENT Like most high school students, I'm accustomed to an "assembly-line" system of education wherein productive group work is rare. The Brandeis Undergraduate Group Study program is a source of interest and intrigue to me. I anticipate working with students who share my determination, drive, and desire; who seek unified goals. How could anything but meaningful knowledge result from such an arrangement? My aim is not to impress others but simply to learn for the sake of learning, to compete not with others but with myself.

INDENT Studying in small classes will enable me learn and grow in an environment of intimacy and collaboration. During small-group discussions, each student has a unique voice with which to express her own thoughts and beliefs. Students can exchange ideas and learn from each other in conversation, correcting mistakes and clarifying misconceptions. In this regard, Brandeis presents to me the chance to gain an entirely new approach to thinking-I will be forced to view course material from perspectives totally different from my own. Furthermore, individual and frequent contact with professors will ensure my continued motivation and accountability.
jkjeremy   
Jan 15, 2013
Undergraduate / Small accessible classes/ Group Study/ Ballet Club/ Debate & Speech; Why Brandeis U? [38]

LOL. It's a hard question, I know.

Don't sweat the intro yet. Think of how you might improve study group and debate paragraphs.

Here's what I have SO FAR for your first body paragraph. (It's gonna change after I have dinner, which is right now. Be back in about 30 min.)

Studying in small classes will enable me learn and grow in an environment of intimacy and collaboration. During small-group discussions, each student has a unique voice with which to express her own thoughts and beliefs. Students can exchange ideas and learn from each other in conversation, correcting mistakes and clarifying misconceptions. In this regard, Brandeis presents to me the chance to gain an entirely new approach to thinking. Furthermore, individual contact with teachers ensures that I will remain motivated to meet their expectations. NEED ONE MORE SENTENCE HERE (and need to correct the cliche that ended the previous sentence)
jkjeremy   
Jan 15, 2013
Undergraduate / Small accessible classes/ Group Study/ Ballet Club/ Debate & Speech; Why Brandeis U? [38]

Your essay doesn't really begin until the end.

Answer any THREE of the questions below. Give me 50-100 words for each.

1. Why are small class sizes important to you?

2. Why are you interested in the undergraduate study group?

3. What is it about speech and debate that appeal to you?

4. Why do you like knitting instead of, say, playing basketball?

What time is this due?
jkjeremy   
Jan 15, 2013
Undergraduate / The Poet's Inspiration; St. Olaf / Interim Course Design [6]

Well I thought I had more to say, but it won't let me until you respond (?)

I'm not gonna go through this whole thing again just to get an "access denied" message.

Suffice it to say that although I still like your subject matter, there are a couple moments of weirdness in terms of phrasing.

Your word economy could use a little work, too.

Shorten this one...A LOT:

. From what I have ascertained about the January term at St. Olaf, I gathered that it is an opportunity for students to take classes they would not normally have the chance to due to major requirements, and a chance for those same people to study abroad if they cannot for a whole semester.
jkjeremy   
Jan 15, 2013
Undergraduate / The Poet's Inspiration; St. Olaf / Interim Course Design [6]

I rarely say this, but...

My initial sense is that this is GOOD.

My main complaint is that the last sentence just kinda hangs there. Without having read this TOO closely, I sensed that you either stated or implied that stuff earlier. If you didn't, then you need to tell me WHY studying abroad would enhance the learning experience.

MORE INFO:
---The first sentence is grammatically flawed---a setting is not a time ("the setting WHEN...").
---The word "particular" is redundant. Omit it.
---"Catch a glimpse" is a cliche. Rephrase that in YOUR words.

more to come...
jkjeremy   
Jan 15, 2013
Essays / Compare and/ or contrast two poems; three thesis statements [31]

Each poem confronts the individual's role in the universe .
Both speakers ponder their fate and destiny .
In both poems, the speaker addresses the issue of solitude .

Without wanting to stay up all night, and knowing that you need something NOW, I think these will do.

However, do you understand why I chose these?

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