Graduate / Personal statement for Master of Finance in Melbourne University [2]

I am applying for Master of Finance in Melbourne University.
Please help me to point out mistakes and weaknesses in my personal statement. Thank you so much.
Your application must include a personal statement of no more than 800 words. It should describe your personal motivation to undertake further study, and can include details of your personal circumstances as well as your life and work experiences. It should emphasise any aspect of your personal history that may enhance your application, including extracurricular activity, community involvement, work experience, relevant personal characteristics and any outstanding achievements.

Nowadays, the development of economies in finance area over the world requires a deeper professional knowledge as well as valuable practical experiences to find the best solutions to potential problems. After 4 years studying accounting and auditing in the university, I desired to take a further study in the finance area to widen my knowledge and provide me an insight into the financial operations of an economy in general and a business in particular. In addition, a master's degree in finance would provide me a solid foundation and promotions for my further career.

In the first academic year in university, I was one of the students who had the highest score in my in the university. My desire to pursue the further study in finance was sparked when I first studied the subject Corporate Finance in the third academic year. My lecturer was inspired me a lot through his lessons of financial analysis during this time. In my opinion, with the knowledge in accounting and auditing I have learnt in the university, a further study in Finance, which I believe, is going to be crucial in financial service industry. During my time at the university, I was also awarded a consolidation prize for my research in accounting and auditing field. Besides studying, I spent my time participating in other activities as well such as organizing Youth Union's events, charity works. As a result, the title "SVNT" was awarded to me as a proof for my contributions in 5 aspects: Academic accomplishment, Ethics, Physical fitness, Skills and Integration.

Now, I have been working in an audit firm for 7 months since I graduated from the university. In this period of time, I have applied theoretical knowledge that I was learnt in university into reality; it helps me understand clearly about the financial statements and components of these reports. Moreover, I also believe that working in an audit firm is a great chance for me to contact, share ideas and experiences about accounting, auditing and finance among professionals and finance enthusiasts. In my opinion, the time working here has a part in cherishing my desire to take a post graduate course in Finance.

A Master of Finance course in Melbourne University will provide me an opportunity to widen my knowledge in a dynamic and academic environment. Furthermore, studying in Australia is a chance for me not only to challenge myself by studying and living in a new country, but also to discover a new culture and to make friends with many people all around the world. I believe that invaluable knowledge and experiences studied from great professors in Melbourne University would be a stepping stone for my future life and career. I really appreciate your time considering my application and I hope that this information has depicted both my academic ability and personal motivation to take a further study in Finance.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: The highest qualification attained by sex... [2]

Please help me to correct the essay.
I found that it is quite difficult for me to describe the percentage. Please suggest me some IELTS structures to describe it if you know. Thanks a lot.

Topic: The bar chart below shows the highest qualification attained by sex for the working age population in Wales in 2001/2002. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart below illustrates the highest qualifications gained by male and female for the working age in Wales in 2001/02.
As we can see from the data that GCE A level and GCSE grade A*-C were attained most by male and female respectively. By contrast, there was a similarity in the percentage of qualifications achievement by both sexes in higher education qualification and degree or equivalent qualifications group. Namely, for the higher education qualification, the percentages were about 8% for men and 9% for women; for the degree or equivalent qualifications, these were approximately 13% by male and 11% by female.

For the GCE A level, the percentage of qualification attainment by male was double the percentage by female. The percentage of male was nearly 30% and the female was only around 15%. However, GCSE showed a reverse pattern, about 28% and 18% respectively of male and female.

Overall, men were more successful in attaining the highest qualification than women.

Here is the chart:

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Writing Feedback / IELTS, To some people, studying HISTORY has very little value; what is your view? [10]

Please help me to correct the mistakes in my essay.
Topics: To some people, studying the past has little value in the modern world. Why do you think it's important to do so? What will be the effect if children are not taught history?

It is said that learning history does not have any benefits in the modern world. In my opinion, information gained from the past not only helps us to find out about our ancestors but find solutions to our problem in the future as well.

To begin with, studying history has many advantages in our lives. Through the history lessons taught in the school, we would be able to learn more about our nations, about how our ancestors had done to reclaim the independence. Consequently, this could raise our patriotism and encourages us to learn more and more in order to contribute ourselves to the nation development.

Moreover, knowledge and skills that we got in the past would also help us to overcome our difficulties in life. This means that we would easily make our decisions to the situations that are the same to the past. For example, in your exam, if you have made a wrong answer for a question, you would have been easy to choose the right answer for the same question in another exam. Learning the past would prevent us from doing wrong things and easily to find solutions to our problems.

It would be a big trouble if our children are not taught history in the school. As a result, they will not be able to have chance to learn about traditional customs or foods which constitute national character. Lacking of history knowledge, our children would not develop comprehensively.

Finally, in my opinion, history plays a very important role in our modern world and could not be replaced in the school curriculum.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: business and financial grew noticeably and become the most advanced area [3]

Please help me to point out the mistakes and correct them. Thank you!

Topic: The graph below shows the contribution of three sectors- agriculture, manufacturing , and business and financial services- to the UK economy in the twentieth century.

Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart presents the information about the proportion of three economic areas in UK in twentieth century: agriculture, manufacturing and business and financial services.
We can see from the data that 2 main fields in the UK economy from 1900 to 1950 were agriculture and manufacturing. However, from 1975 to 2000, there was a change in proportion of these sectors, specifically, business and financial services was developed most and took up the highest rate in 2000. In 1900, agriculture and manufacturing were taken up about 50% and 45% respectively in the UK economy, whereas the percentage of business and financial was far lower, only approximately 5%. This pattern was the same in 1950. In 1975, manufacturing was much higher in comparison with agriculture and business and financial. In 2000, business and financial was mainly developed and made up around 35% of economy. By contrast, manufacturing and agriculture were by far lower and were less than 15% and 5% respectively.

In general, business and financial grew noticeably and become the most advanced area instead of agriculture and manufacturing.

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Writing Feedback / Being afraid of changing can make people conservative and less interesting than others. [6]

Topic: People natural resist making changes in their lives. What kind of problems can this cause? What solutions can you suggest?

Nowadays, people accommodate to their lifestyle, their routine. This could lead to the stability and comfort in their life. However, to be afraid of changing could make them conservative and less interesting than others.

Recently, life has changed a lot due to the society development. If people still keep their old ideas, they could not be able to integrate to the world and this could lead them to the conservation. For example, in the past, women often spend their whole life in the kitchen, doing their household chores. By contrast, modern women are able to not only run business but also take part in political work.

Life would be so boring if people have not made any changes in their modern lives. When a person keeps watching a movie for a several times, they will finally realize that movie has nothing interesting because they have already known everything about it. Moreover, when nothing changes, there is no innovation and no innovation means nothing.

To solve this problem, people should make changes in their lives step by step. This could start by decorating houses or even making new friends. It is believed that moving to live in another city or in another country might help them ready to get rid of this issue. In my opinion, regardless of solutions, you must have to be eager to accept new things in your life.

In conclusion, people have to ready for any changes in their life. It is sure that you will stay behind if you keep your life unchanged.

P.s: Please help me correct my mistake and mark my essay. Thank you!