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Posts by judas
Joined: Mar 19, 2009
Last Post: Mar 30, 2014
Threads: 4
Posts: 21  
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Displayed posts: 25
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judas   
Mar 30, 2014
Graduate / Navy OCS Motivational Statement; 'Risks are the essence of success' [5]

Hi All,

I wrote another draft. I could use help pinpointing where I can add more Navy specific details (what makes Navy OCS unique, why can't I get that type of training anywhere else, etc.). Of course, all other feedback is welcome too. Below is the prompt followed by my new draft:

Why do I want to join the Navy? What evidence is there that I will enjoy being in the Navy and be able to stay motivated, overcome challenges, etc.

Will I serve the Navy well? What evidence is there that I can adapt to and overcome a challenging situation or stressful environment. Also, what experiences can I draw upon in order to be a good leader.
judas   
Mar 27, 2014
Undergraduate / university essay admission: A journey towards what I am made of [4]

Hi,

What works here is how you mention overcoming the challenges that came with the job. That makes you come off as a strong, self-sufficient individual.

At the moment, I see that you enjoy the challenges that come with teaching. I'm not seeing, however, your passion for economics. What is it about economics that you enjoy? Did it spark from the students? That needs to be mentioned as you say in your first sentence that your vocation in life is teaching economics, and not teaching in general.

I know there is a 2,000 character limit on here, so that means you'll have to make some cuts to include your passion for economics. I would consider cutting the bit about buying the pizza for your students and watching them scramble over the last crumbs. It is touching and it shows you have compassion, but it doesn't relate to what you have established previously. If your vocation in life was to start a non-profit organization that gave food to those less fortunate, then that would be a great point to make. If you want to make the point about sacrifice, I would consider mentioning the large amount of time that you had to put in for lesson planning, teacher/board meetings, student conferences, etc.

I hope this feedback serves you well. Best wishes.
judas   
Mar 26, 2014
Undergraduate / NYU Transfer; Fox 11's Good Day LA; 'exploring your academic interests' [4]

I'm loving the way that you tied in the NYU professors. That looks solid and it makes you sound a lot more professional. I have a small suggestion on this topic. You state: I am confidant these professors, among others, will help prepare me for my future career in the media.

That's good. To get more points with the app reviewers, however, you might consider adding another statement or replacing your statement with something along the lines of an education from those professors is something that you cannot get from any other university.

In regards to mentioning your favorite band and actress, it tells me more about you as a person, but it feels a little too heavy-handed by the way it's mentioned. You want to go for something a little more subtle. Just by mentioning Diamond Youth and Jennifer Lawrence shows that you a fan of both. I would consider something like this:

I anticipate to write riveting stories on an up and coming bands such as Diamond Youth or report on the new Jennifer Lawrence movie premier from the red carpet.

Keep it short, sweet, and to the point. Good luck!
judas   
Mar 26, 2014
Letters / Motivation letter for Master Degree in Human Resource Management, UK [3]

Hi,

You do a great job showcasing your accomplishments. Your essay also has a good flow as well. It doesn't feel choppy and I didn't come across anything that took me out of the experience of reading your essay. Great work. As far as improvements, I think a major element that is missing is why you are motivated to attend the university or why you have selected this particular field of study. I see your accomplishments, but I don't see how they have inspired you. What is it exactly about Human Resource Management that excites you? What are the goals that you wish to accomplish through studying Human Resource Management? I also think you should mention what interests you about the university you are applying for. What makes their program special? Why are you applying to this particular university? I hope this feedback serves you well. Best of luck.
judas   
Mar 26, 2014
Undergraduate / NYU Transfer; Fox 11's Good Day LA; 'exploring your academic interests' [4]

This is a great start. Your passion for reporting is here and you even mention specific NYU courses that will help you develop in your field of study. You are so close to having this essay finished. In regards to fixes, I think you can get more specific about yourself. You state: you can find me at an award show, concert, or other event. Give us more details about that. What award show? What band? This may seem small, but it will make you stand out and actually give the app reviewers a better sense of who are. For example, "Blink 182 is my favorite band" tells me a lot more about a person versus someone who plainly states, "I like music". You could also mention some professors from NYU in your field of study that you are looking forward to learning from. NYU's journalism program has some award winning professors (serious people that work with CNN and the like), so it wouldn't hurt to mention them to show that you have done extensive research on the program. Lastly, I'm a little iffy towards mentioning Good Day LA. Maybe this is just personal preference and I'm biased against the show, but when I think of award winning reporting, I do not think of Good Day LA. If they did a story that got good coverage or was up for some sort of honorable mention, tell us a little about that story and how it impacted you. Best of luck with your app and have fun at NYU. I know I did :)
judas   
Mar 25, 2014
Essays / Great Gatsby Essay for a private school [4]

Hi,

What you write in your body paragraphs depends on what you establish in your thesis sentence. Writing your body paragraphs before your thesis is like driving your car without putting the key in the ignition. It's not going to work. For help on creating a good thesis, think about what your argument is. If you don't have an argument yet, start off by creating a venn diagrams, focusing on either the main characters or the characters that interest you the most. Hope this feedback serves you well. Best of luck with your essay.
judas   
Mar 25, 2014
Undergraduate / Stanford intellectual vitality essay! 'Learning is not a momentary process' [5]

Hi,

I think this is a nice start. You establish your passion for computer programming and show that you have a great knowledge on the topic as well. There are a few things in here that you may want to reconsider. First, you have to get rid of the passive voice ("was maybe" and "was being taught"). I think it makes your essay sound too conversational and it doesn't make you come across as an active person. Example, "I taught myself C++" sounds a lot stronger than "I was taught C++". You might also want to consider tying in your learning experience with programming to your future learning experience at Stanford. You're on to some good stuff regarding exchanging ideas with people on forums. Find a way to tie in a comparison with learning as a college student at Stanford. Standford is elite, so you want to make sure that you sound the part and do some ego stroking for your application reviewers. I hope this feedback serves you well. Best of luck with this app and don't forget about the little people when you create the next Twitter ;)
judas   
Mar 24, 2014
Graduate / Navy OCS Motivational Statement; 'Risks are the essence of success' [5]

Hi All,

I'm writing a motivational statement and could use some help in getting this focused and cutting down some fat. Any assistance is greatly appreciated. See below for prompt and statement:

1) Why do I want to join the Navy? What evidence is there that I will enjoy being in the Navy and be able to stay motivated, overcome the challenges, etc..

2) Will I serve the Navy well? What evidence is there that I can adapt to and overcome challenging situations / stressful environments. Also, what experiences can I draw upon in order to be a good leader, etc.

Risks are the essence of success and I come from a family that has had to take major risks in order to bring me to the place I am today. Despite the dangers and fears of leaving one's native country, my grandparents crossed the border from Mexico to the United States to provide a better future for their children. My immediate and extended family members then served as enlisted men and women, sacrificing their lives as my grandparents did, so that their children would have more opportunities. I wish to serve as an Officer of the Navy to not only continue the sacrifice and commitment made by my family, but to also serve as a leader that inspires my family's future generations.

My father proudly served two tours in the Marine Corps, and this shaped his character's strong sense of justice. He was committed to my success and he worked very hard so that I could become something more than ordinary. Though his life was brief, the impact and values he taught me continue to be my biggest source of inspiration. His stories of duty, camaraderie, and honor continuously reinforce my sense of patriotism and desire to serve within the U.S. Armed Forces.

Because my family has served in all branches of the U.S. Armed Forces, their experiences have been helpful in my selection process for service. The stories that resonated with me the most are the ones about the Navy. As an enlisted Navy man, my Uncle Bobby traveled the world. After he completed his service, he attended USC and graduated with a BA. I believe his success is due to the expansion of his global perspective, which he gained while serving in the Navy.

I earned my bachelor's degree from New York University (NYU) in 2012. I graduated top of my class as an NYU Honors Scholar. During college, I learned how to be self-sufficient and, despite the distance, I found ways to strengthen the bond between my family and me. I realized how the older and younger generations of my family did not communicate well due to a language barrier. The older members spoke Spanish while the younger ones spoke only English. I took a stand for my family when I studied abroad in Buenos Aires, Argentina and learned how to speak Spanish, my family's native language. From my travels I bridged a generation gap within my family and I gained an enlightened sense of myself. I understand that the Navy prides itself for its strong sense of courage and community. I hope to strengthen those qualities for myself and share them with the rest of my family.

After studying abroad in Buenos Aires, Argentina, I served as a Global Ambassador in the Study Abroad Program at NYU. As a Global Ambassador, I learned valuable skills: time management, research, organizing, strategic thinking, outreach and teambuilding. The most rewarding aspect, however, was conversing with incoming study abroad students. Most of the students had fears and anxieties of being so far away from family and acclimating into a new culture. As I shared my fears as an incoming student and then my actual experience, the fears and anxieties of the students disappeared. I found that the reward I received as a Global Ambassador was that I dedicated myself to a higher purpose: to ensure that the incoming students had a safe and memorable experience. As an Officer, I realize that my success depends on the success of others and the unit as a whole. I believe my time at NYU helped in chipping away my selfishness and I look forward to dedicating myself to others as an Officer.

I believe my adaptability and passion for technology makes me a great asset to the Navy. As a computer programmer, I have a strong understanding of analytical skills and numerous computer-programming languages. Though my focus is in C and Java, I maintain knowledge of other aspects of computer technology: the logistics of DNS, how to maintain a web server, and most importantly, how to communicate these concepts to everyday people who do not understand the technological vocabulary.

Though I am well versed in technology, I understand that without a larger purpose, my skills are meaningless. I can continue on my path of education and work an ordinary office job. That type of ordinary living does not appeal me. I wish to serve a purpose that will allow me to contribute to my family and country. For this reason, I believe serving as a Naval Officer will help me fulfill both desires.

My family's dedication and courage are my motivating factors to serve as an Officer. I am aware the commitment will be extremely demanding, challenging, and ultimately incredibly rewarding. I look forward to the experience from an intellectual as well as social point of view. I hope to learn and grow as an individual and in service to my country. Risks are the key to success. I am willing to sacrifice whatever it takes to continue and advance my family's legacy.
judas   
Mar 24, 2014
Undergraduate / Personal or academic interests vs. intellectual and personal goals - essay [5]

Hi,

I think the best way to start off an essay like this is to write from the heart. What does that mean? Well, write what you are passionate about. Tell us about how you developed your passion for interior design. What do you like about interior design? You also might include some hobbies or other passions that you have to show that you are a well-rounded person. Do you watch Minnesota Vikings games with your dad every Sunday or teach hula hoop to kids at the local Boys and Girls Club? Specifics from your own personal life will make your essay pop. I hope this feedback serves you well. Best of luck.
judas   
Mar 24, 2014
Letters / Motivation letter for nationalism studies; political science senior; Ethnic and Minority [2]

Hi,

I think this is a great start. You provide some great points on why you are a strong candidate and what make you unique. Now, I think you should go back and bring up specific points about the university you are applying to. What makes the Master's program in Ethnic and Minority Studies at ***University any different from the other universities that offer the same program? How have the professors in that field from that specific university contributed to research? Basically, you have the motivation reason down, but you need to weave in more about the university you are applying to. It should come across that this university is the only university that will help you accomplish your goals. This may require trimming down on some of your accomplishments to include that information. I hope this feedback serves you well. Good luck with your future draft and best of luck. I'm confident you'll be accepted.
judas   
Jul 29, 2010
Undergraduate / Why I Want to Study Abroad in Argentina Essay [4]

First draft. Thanks for the help in advance.

Prompt: 250-500 words
How does studying and living abroad fit into your overall educational goals?
What do you hope to gain from your time abroad?
Why is it important for you personally to have cross-cultural experiences?

I come from a Mexican-American family and I have always considered my mult-ethnic background to be an asset. It has definitely shaped the way I view the world. The Hispanic side of my family always made me feel like I was watching a Marx Brothers comedy because they are so ridiculous and zany, while the American side was more like a John Wayne western, because of their ruggedness and tough independence. My biracial upbringing ultimately led to my decision to study Creative Writing and Spanish at California State University, Long Beach.

Living in Buenos Aires and complete immersion in the Spanish culture would not only enable me to speak spanish fluently, but also give me the opportunity of learning about the people of Argentina. This is an experience that cannot be accomplished in a classroom alone.

My ultimate goal from studying abroad is to develop cultural awareness. Personally, I feel that from living in the United States my whole life I have taken the values, stories, and history and drawn from that in my writing. By living and studying abroad, I hope to take the positive aspects from that experience and integrate them into my life. As a student of writing, new people and surroundings will not only broaden my perspective of life, but enrich my future work.

I believe that experiences, lifestyles, and backgrounds create diversity. Diversity is important because it gives people the opportunity to reach their maximum potential and promotes the transfer of ideas, which is ultimately what I hope to gain from this experience.
judas   
Jul 29, 2010
Writing Feedback / The Story of the Hour -would like someone to review it and tell me what they think [3]

Congrats on finishing this draft. Now on to the corrections.

1) Essay prompt. I understand your essay is about Kate Chopin's Story of the Hour. What exactly are you arguing? Where's your thesis statement?

2) The switch from Mrs.Mallard to Ms. Mallard. I was thrown off at first thinking they were different characters. Personally, I think you should just stick with one to cut any confusion.

3) You use the phrase "divorce was totally unacceptable" in the third paragraph followed by the phrase "society looked down upon it". They both mean the same thing. Get rid of one of them.

4)Paragraph 3 "Being a widow was acceptable... in the eyes of God". After I read that, I expected a bible verse or some other proof/quote that backs up your claim that being a widow was acceptable by God.

Hope this helps. Good luck on your next draft.
judas   
Jul 29, 2010
Research Papers / I need help With a Thesis Sentence On Same Sex Marriage [3]

I found some helpful information on indiana.edu after googling "how to write a thesis statement". According to the site, you should try breaking down your assignment into a question. Why are you for same sex marriage? What pros do you want to focus on? An answer to those questions should be a good start. Hope that helps. Good luck.
judas   
Mar 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Reasons for transferring (NYU's BFA Program of Dramatic Writing) [7]

What separates NYU's program from any other program?

What sets the BFA Program apart from all other writing programs offered is that it actually allows me to live the life of a writer, while continually learning. The workshops and discussions with agents and producers would not only improve my writing, but teach me the mindset of the people I will work with in the future.

Why do you truly feel it is important that you be accepted?

Attending the NYU's BFA Program of Dramatic Writing would be the opportunity of a lifetime for me. It is my dream to become a playwright/screenwriter. However, I do not yet have the sophistication, knowledge, and wisdom necessary to succeed as a writer. I feel that NYU, above all others, can guide me toward that goal.

Whatever I end up doing, NYU's BFA Program of Dramatic Writing will be the first step in achieving my goals.

Are you saying my answers need to contain more detail?
judas   
Mar 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Reasons for transferring (NYU's BFA Program of Dramatic Writing) [7]

This is my last essay for the common app. Any suggestions on how to make this essay stronger/stand out are greatly appreciated.

Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.

Attending the NYU's BFA Program of Dramatic Writing would be the opportunity of a lifetime for me. It is my dream to become a playwright/screenwriter. However, I do not yet have the sophistication, knowledge, and wisdom necessary to succeed as a writer. I feel that NYU, above all others, can guide me toward that goal.

I am a first generation college student and very committed to my education. I have successfully completed my freshman year at UCSB and I feel that I have matured tremendously in that time. The most important trait that I have learned from being independent for the first time, deals with being a cosmopolitan person. I have lived, studied and worked alongside students from diverse nationalities and religions. The key is to become a master of communication with teachers and fellow students, all of whom are a part of the community at UCSB. I would bring the value of this insight and maturity with me to NYU, thus ensuring my success while there.

What sets the BFA Program apart from all other writing programs offered is that it actually allows me to live the life of a writer, while continually learning. The workshops and discussions with agents and producers would not only improve my writing, but teach me the mindset of the people I will work with in the future.

Where will I be in the next ten years? I could be a successful writer for a premier sitcom like "Saturday Night Live" or I could be in a London flat creating the next great play. Whatever I end up doing, NYU's BFA Program of Dramatic Writing will be the first step in achieving my goals.
judas   
Mar 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Questbridge Application, vegetarianism [10]

I think you should make this a little more personal. You talk about the how Vegetarianism impacts America, but what about you? How has vegetarianism changed you as a person?
judas   
Mar 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "Improvability" - NYU Transfer (activities, additional information) [6]

Hello all,
I was wondering if you could help me on my last short essays I have for my application. I feel like I'm laundry listing my activities. Any types of suggestions are more than appreciated.

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

Previously, I had tried to find other activities to become involved with, but nothing ever satisfied me like theater. Writing was my gateway back into theater. As I began to write, I realized there were other aspects of theater to explore such as acting and directing.

Through acting, I was able to improve my writing ability. Before acting, my writing was mostly plot-driven, based on the Poetics of Aristotle. Acting revealed to me a whole new school of though. As an actor, I had to pinpoint my character's objectives and dive into their psychology. This process carried over to my writing and I was able to learn how to create character-driven works.

From directing, I learned the importance of communication and leadership. I had to be authoritative, sensitive to egos, and maintain my sense of humor all at the same time. As far as leadership, I learned to coach and manage others.

Additional Information. (No more than 2000 characters)
In the beginning of my freshman year at college, I worked with Parking Services on campus from 09/2008 - 01/2009. My duties included selling parking permits for events and activities on campus and set up. I worked an average of six hours per week. From my job with Parking Services, I learned the importance of time management. My jobs before this one were during breaks, so I did not have to worry about school. Since this job was during the school year, I had to schedule my study and leisure time in advance

During the same time, I was also involved with UCSB's improvisational comedy troupe known as "Improvability". I was invited by the troupe to participate in their improv comedy workshop to learn the fundamentals of improvising on stage. The weekly two hour workshop sessions lasted for a total of eight weeks. My work with Improvability greatly improved my writing. Not only did my mind sharpen, but my knowledge of scene work expanded. I was able to take the simple elements of character, relationship, and conflict and apply them to larger works. In addition, I got the opportunity to network with members of both the theater and film community.
judas   
Mar 26, 2009
Speeches / "An experience that changed your life" speech presentation ideas? [8]

First timers are good. First time you went to a baseball game or attended any other event. Concerts or plays. Maybe you heard a good lecture from a professor that left a strong impression on you. Learning experiences are good too. First time you learned how to ride a bike, swim, etc. Community Service or babysitting. Sky's the limit, dude. Just pick a topic and roll with it.
judas   
Mar 26, 2009
Writing Feedback / Do images and impressions have too much of an effect on people? [5]

For being a high school student in China, your English rocks. I hope I can be of some service to you. Your essay contains a few grammatical errors.

but sometimes one creates as significant an impression by remaining silent."---> but sometimes one creates a significant impression by remaining silent.

It is our true horizon that proves our values in this world.
(This sounds funny. What do you mean by "horizon"?)

The first time I saw his "shocking" image in my science textbook, I was totally paralyzed
(The word shocking does not need to be in quotes. I think you should remove the word altogether. Find another word for paralyzed too. It makes the sentence sound awkward)

Despite his misfortune of physical defects, he is the strong man of life---> Despite his misfortune of physical defects, he is a strong man.

Our recognizance on people or things thing---> Our image of people

We can be confused by our impression on others at first
(You are confusing the use of the word "on" with "of")

That's all I can spot for now. Good luck on your essay!
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