Posts by Notoman

Notoman

Dec 2, 2009

Writing Feedback / Short essay: baby boomers and different generations [2]

Here are a few thoughts to get you started:

You have four different generations that you will be comparing. That makes things pretty tough! AND ... there is nothing on the Greatest Generation--the parents of the Boomers who fought in World War II. When I think of generations, I think: the Silent Generation, the Greatest Generation, the Baby Boomers, Generation X'ers, and then the Millennials.

Keep your capitalization consistent. There are places where you capitalize the names of the generations and other places where you do not. I prefer having the capitalization in an essay of this sort because it sets the subjects apart.

"Each generation goes further than the generation preceding it because it stands on the shoulders of that generation. You will have opportunities beyond anything we've ever known." (Reagan, 1981)

Are you using MLA style? Put the end punctuation on the other side of the parentheses--you need to keep your citation grouped with the sentence. It feels weird, but that is the way it is done.

I present the characteristics and experiences of the baby boomers and the generation

generations

You might want to start out the introduction to each generation by defining that generation. What is meant by Baby Boomer? (Those people born after the soldiers returned home from WWII until about 1964). Then go into the defining characteristics (prosperity, stay-at-home moms, suburbs, the advent of television and commercialization, the Cold War, and the Space Race).

The baby boomers were a persuasive generation that changed political and ethical views ~~and~~through their various academic, cultural, industrial, and political activities.

They were living in the times of post-war and have fought for change because they were living in a period of time where the war on inequality was still predominant.

This sentence is awkward. Although Baby Boomers are defined as being born after WWII, you could not say that they were necessarily living in the times of post-war ... many of the Boomers fought in Vietnam while other protested the war. Maybe something like: Although World War II ended, Baby Boomers were not free from their own wars. Not only did they fight in Vietnam, but they fought for social justice.

In 1963, Martin Luther King Jr. voiced at a march with his now famous I have a dream speech in Washington at the Lincoln Memorial, where more than 300,000 multi-colored faces marched as one to protest for racial equality.

This is a sentence fragment. It is hard to believe--it is so long, it has to be a sentence. You don't give your verb the chance to finish though. Martin Luther King, Jr. voiced ... Voiced what? Put the name of the speech in capitals and quotation marks. You can leave out "Washington" because it is assumed and it bogs down the sentence. I am not crazy about "multi-colored faces marched." First off, it looks like the faces are rainbow hued. Second, faces don't march. I'd rewrite it to look something like this: In 1963, Martin Luther King, Jr. voiced his "I Have a Dream" speech at the Lincoln Memorial, where more than 300,000 people marched as one to protest for racial equality.

They also fought against the war instigated against Vietnam because they were very active when it came to politics.

There has got to be a better way to word this--you don't want the reader to be confused between those members of the generation that fought in Vietnam and those who protested it at home. Try one of these:

Expressing their political beliefs, they protested against the war in Vietnam.
The Baby Boomers were politically active and protested against the war in Vietnam.

They were contemplated of their emphasize on freedom

I have no idea what you are trying to say here, but "contemplated" (thought out) is the wrong word.

and they banned employment discriminations in firms.

Discrimination would be singular, but I still don't like this construction because they didn't really ban employment discrimination and it wasn't just in firms. You could say: ... they fought for work place equality.

Moreover, they contributed in many ways towards modern technologies and several lives saving equipment.

You will need to expand on this. The Space Race? Precursors to the computer? "Lives saving equipment" doesn't work. You could say life-saving equipment or life-saving medical breakthroughs, but you really need to provide some kind of an example.

changed political and ethnical views

Maybe you mean "ethnical," I am not sure. Ethnical would be pertaining to ethnics--race, color, national origin, and creed type stuff. Ethics pertains to beliefs. "Ethnical" is not a very common word--my word-processing program doesn't recognize it.

Not only were they a persuasive generation that changed political and ethnical views and various academic, cultural, industrial, and political activities, but the ~~baby bust~~Baby Boom generation was influenced by education and work ethics.

I only have the time to get this far. I hope that someone else will come along and pick up where I left off. Good luck with it!

Notoman

Dec 2, 2009

Writing Feedback / I am many things, but as a seventeen-year old; Class Essay About Myself [9]

Thanks for the feedback!

Try to make sure you are using complete sentence

I took that part out. I was trying for a stylistic, stream-of-conscious feel, but a high-school essay isn't the place for that. My teacher may or may not realize what I was trying to do. Even if he did realize it, that doesn't mean he'd appreciate it!

Try to use more conjunctions between sentences.

Done! This piece *is* all over the place. I tried to smooth it out a bit with conjunctions and transitions.

The idea you have is bare -- so noncommittal that it just wastes space. You seem a tad indecisive and all the while your paragraph isn't gelling on its own. Don't be so jittery; choose a central topic about that what you couldn't separate from yourself if you wanted.

True! I was trying to hit all of the teacher's key words--hopes, aspirations, dreams, background, convictions, interests. I was afraid that if I stuck to one topic, music let's say, that I would come across as being one dimensional. My rewrite is still jittery, but I cut the number of topics touched on and expanded on those that remained. It would be easier to commit if this were the typical collage app essay that asks the writer to expand on just background, diversity, or a single interest.

I mean, when you wonder silently what do you find yourself thinking about in earnest; what is important to you?

*grin* I am seventeen. I value my iPod, I hope to pull a "B" in my Shakespeare class, and I think about girls in earnest, but I really couldn't write about all that. My life is vapid and my thoughts aren't deep. When I say that I want to break out of my suburban existence and be more like *you*, I am not being facetious. Mustafa, you embody the type of scholar that I hope to be one day.

very nice cadence !

Why, thank you. That means a lot coming from you, Rajiv. I made the corrections that you suggested.

We'll see what kind of grade this garners! This teacher is the hardest I have ever had (and probably ever will have).

Thank again for all of your input.

Notoman

Dec 2, 2009

Research Papers / Research Paper on Shakespeare's Iago [14]

By all means, follow the prompt! It would be difficult to weave others' perceptions into the essay given the prompt, but I think that it is good to hint at it in your opening.

Your essay is well written and I can't find much to comment on. Here's one little stylistic thing for you to think about:

"gyve thee (Cassio) in thine own courtship"(II,I, 168).

Are you using MLA style? MLA would have you use brackets [ ] instead of the parentheses around any words that you add for clarification or changes that you make in the text. When doing in-text citations in parentheses, I think it helps the reader to avoid all other uses in the text--the reader's mind tends to skip over anything in parentheses assuming that it is just a citation. Do you know how your teacher wants you to cite Shakespeare? I haven't seen the formatting quite the way you have it. Usually, the format will be in Arabic numerals (1.3.98-102) or in Roman numerals (I.iii.98-102)--with the act capitalized and the scene in lowercase. Generally, there are periods and no spaces between the act, scene, and lines. If the speaker of the quote isn't clear from your sentence, put the name (no punctuation) and then the act, scene, and lines. I don't know how to quote dialogue between two characters, but I am sure that there are "rules." This website doesn't maintain formatting when you copy and paste (italics, indentations, etc.) so it is a little hard for me to see what you have on some of these things. The ending punctuation of the quote should be omitted from the quote itself and put after the parentheses. Watch your spacing. You don't always have a space between the quotation mark and the parentheses and you should. If your teacher hasn't given you specific instructions on how he wants things, Google your school's preferred format for Shakespeare and follow that (my school teaches MLA).

Whew! I didn't mean to come across like a pedagogue! Sorry about that.

Notoman

Dec 1, 2009

Research Papers / Research Paper on Shakespeare's Iago [14]

Good! I think you will need a short paragraph that talks about how the others' perceptions of Iago as honest allow for his plans to take flight.

A couple of quick thoughts on your first paragraph: whichever (one word), free rein (as in a horse, yes, "free reign" makes sense here, but because it is an idiom, you will need to go with the other spelling).

Notoman

Dec 1, 2009

Writing Feedback / I am many things, but as a seventeen-year old; Class Essay About Myself [9]

We are supposed to write a half of page (single spaced) about ourselves--hopes, dreams, aspirations, beliefs, convictions, passions, background, interests ... that kind of thing. Man, it is *hard* to write about myself.

I know that this has some sentence fragments. Are they a problem? I feel like I use the word "I" too much. I would like to mix up the way I start sentences a little more, but I don't know how to work that in. Does this fit the prompt?

Thanks so much for any and all comments. I am WIDE open to criticism.

I am many things, but as a seventeen-year old, I am not solidified; my future yet to be determined. Always growing, always changing, always learning. For now, I live in the suburbs with my parents, my brother, and a dog named Riley. Every fifth house has the same floor plan, the trash is invariably under the sink, and six-foot privacy fences surround the miniscule yards. When I am an adult, I would like to live in an Italian flat that overlooks the village plaza. I will put the trash in the broom closet. I am a nonconformist, letting people think of me what they will. I don't waste my time on designer labels or materialism, but I do like to wear a tie on test days-dressing for success or something like that. Watching from the outside, I am content to be a wallflower. I am a romantic who puts love before personal needs; I am still looking for the girl of my dreams. I have stood on the Prime Meridian, seen the lights of Paris from the Eiffel Tower, and danced a tango in Buenos Aires. Playing the bass guitar relaxes me. The soundtrack of my life has a steady bass pulse and an upbeat tempo. I like my music loud, but I know how to turn down the volume and when to use headphones. As a rocker, I take pride in the music I make. I am an actor living a role on stage. Theatre is where I come alive even if it is only in the guise of a character. I am a scholar with knowledge filling my mind. Learning is more important to me than the final grade. Books are my opium and I am a voracious reader. I am an environmentalist who believes this world of ours is finite. I have canoed the Boundary Waters, hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon, and climbed a fourteen-thousand foot peak. . For the past three years, I have volunteered to cook and clean twice a month at a shelter for battered women. I will be an Eagle Scout if I can ever get my project off of the ground. I am a cleric, and a devote follower of my faith, but I believe that spirituality and religion do not necessarily go hand in hand. I have epilepsy, but epilepsy doesn't have me-most days at least. I believe that living life is always better than having it lived for you. And most importantly, I am myself.

Notoman

Dec 1, 2009

Research Papers / Research Paper on Shakespeare's Iago [14]

You write well. Your verb choice and active voice are especially strong in this piece.

I think that you are missing a large part of what makes Iago's machinations so effective--the fact that others in the play, especially Othello, see Iago as being a paragon of honesty. Over and over, Othello professes his belief that Iago is an honest man. "Iago is most honest" (2.3.7), "Honest Iago" (2.3.189), "I know, Iago,/ Thy honesty and love doth mince this matter" (2.3.262-263), "And, for I know thou'rt full of love and honesty,/ And weigh'st thy words before thou givest them breath,/ Therefore these stops of thine fright me the more" (3.3.136-139) and: "Why did I marry? This honest creature doubtless/ Sees and knows more, much more, than he unfolds" (3.3.283-284) This fellow's of exceeding honesty,/ And knows all qualities, with a learned spirit,/ Of human dealings" (3.3.298-300) just for starters.

The other characters state their belief in Iago's honesty as well: "I never knew/ A Florentine more kind and honest" (Cassio 3.1.43-44).

Iago would not have been able to worm his way into Othello's mind if not for the belief that his intentions were honest.

I have to go to class now! I will come back with more comments later. This is the play that we are working on right now so I have a lot to learn from your discourse and I look forward to perusing your essay later.

Notoman

Dec 1, 2009

Undergraduate / "my academic and personal growth" - Duke Robertson Essay #1 [3]

Before entering Hinsdale South High School, I didn't expect to work particularly hard to achieve the goals I had set out to accomplish. I had not been forced to do so in the past and didn't expect to as I entered high school, but entering an academically rigorous curriculum in high school was much different from what I had previously been used to.

These sentences are pretty wordy. When you are working within a limited word count like this, you really need to pare things down so you will have even more room to stick the important stuff in there. You don't need to say the name of the high school again or even or be so repetitive on "high school" ( you use it three times in these two sentences). Here's one way to rewrite it and lower the word count:

Prior to high school, I didn't expect to work particularly hard to achieve my goals. Tackling an academically rigorous curriculum proved much different from my previous experience.

63 words down to 27.

Also, at Hinsdale South I have built strong relationships with the teachers who have expected the most from me.

Try to use the active verb tense whenever you can. Again, the name of the high school, isn't all that important (nor is the name of the teacher). Try something like: I built strong relationships with teachers who expect the most from me.

So sorry ... now it is bedtime! I am hoping that someone else will pick this up.

Notoman

Nov 30, 2009

Undergraduate / "my academic and personal growth" - Duke Robertson Essay #1 [3]

It is well written, but you need to find some synonyms for "community"--you use it six times just in the opening paragraph!

Here's how I might rewrite it to take the repetition down a notch:

Over the past four years, my school and church communities have been instrumental in my academic and personal growth. Hinsdale South High School's diversity challenges its students to perform well in the classroom and be involved in the surrounding community. Being a part of Hinsdale South High School's student body has challenged me to perform at a high academic level, become more involved in social activism, and mature as an individual. Similarly, my congregation has provided the support and encouragement to achieve the goals that I have set out for myself.

I have to go eat dinner, but I'll come back a little later with more comments.

Notoman

Nov 30, 2009

Undergraduate / 'Determined cheerleading' - BU three words to contribute to university community [3]

It is feeling a little schizophrenic to me. I know that the cheerleading is a thread that carries through the essay, but I see it as conflicted with the language/culture/travel aspects. Your three words get lost. I am not sure what they are ...

I think I would drop the cheerleading from this particular essay and focus instead on your attributes through the other, more unified, aspects of the essay.

Notoman

Nov 30, 2009

Writing Feedback / A letter from Birmingham Jail- A Argument essay [4]

There are five main issues that prevent immigrants from being accepted; equality, justice, oppression, freedom, and the advantages and disadvantages to allowing immigration.

This sentence, especially because it forms your thesis, needs to be stronger. You are saying that justice prevents immigrants from being accepted. Freedom prevents immigrants from being accepted. Equality prevents immigrants from being accepted. The disadvantages to allowing immigration prevents immigrants from being accepted as well as the advantages to allowing immigration keeps immigrants from being accepted. See the issue?

Notoman

Nov 26, 2009

Undergraduate / 'From panic to self-drive' - Stanford's sense of intellectual vitality. [10]

You write vividly. Your verbs are especially strong. I do have to say, though, that I don't quite get it.

Is "death" in the literal sense? Is your video about death? Or are you referring to the idea that losing what you have shot and edited would be like a death? I think I would go slightly more concrete here. What do you do with the movies? If you share them online, make them just for friends, shoot for profit, or whatever, I think I would add that in. What have you learned from this experience? Let it tell a little bit more about how you are motivated to learn about things that interest you (and how that rolls over into the future with you as a student).

Your verb tense jumps. You start out with the past tense with your first sentence and then move into the present. It would be easy enough to change that first sentence to: "I start forward ..."

I reach out, gently altering a visual effect here, adding a crossfade there. I replay the scene. Still I am not satisfied. (seems a bit redundant?)

Yes, a bit redundant. You could try something like: I reach out, gently altering a visual effect, adding a crossfade there. I replay the scene, wracking my brain for just the right element.

I have taken no class on video editing, driven only by online tutorials and hours of tweaking clips to match the movies of my mind. I simply do it because I can. (I actually dont like this answer)

Hmmmmm ... I enjoy the creative process as much as the end result. (This would be a good place to tell more about what you do with the finished products).

A sense of completion; my duty is done. I am satisfied. (would like a better ending but cant think of one)

Okay, it sounds cliche, but how something like: I call it a wrap and start planning my next project.

"Initial panic turns into controlled self-drive." (can someone fix this sentence? i dont like it :/)

The initial panic ebbs, replaced by obstinacy.

Notoman

Nov 25, 2009

Book Reports / Two scenes whose natures contribute to the theme of the play - Merchant of Venice Essay [12]

Thanks Kevin!

Well, I did notice that you did not use the impact words -- the words that the prof used.

True! Part of his instructions said this: "-Notice how the prompt gives you other words for the AAA (analogous, antithetical, ambiguous). You demonstrate comfort with the topic and control over your own writing when you do not overuse these terms." I tired to only use one of the terms in the introductory paragraph. I did rework things before submitting it per your suggestions. I never know with this teacher! I ignored the concept of "topic sentences" with the last essay because I thought we were beyond the five-paragraph essay format and didn't think that I needed them, but my first sentences of my paragraphs did lack focus, transition, and an introductory element and I lost points for that. I tried to be better about those things this time around.

He also said: Generally speaking, high scoring essays delve into various possible interpretations ("On the one hand, Shakespeare seems to favor milk chocolate. However, he also seems to see it as nothing more than empty, unneeded sugar."). I tired to hit on that with this essay. I think I got that aspect.

Yeah, my thesis is weak because I was trying to cover so many of the elements of the prompt in the first paragraph. I reworked it a bit before turning it in. It is stronger, but still far from perfect.

Thanks Lin!

Your conclusion of Shakespeare not reaching "any conclusions, but would rather the audience members explore their own beliefs" is good - but doesn't answer what you think he hopes to achieve/convey from the structure (construction) of the plot and characters.

ACK! You are right. I did not go into that. I tell ya, I don't always see the forest for the trees. How could I miss such a point? I should have had a whole paragraph just on this. I totally missed talking about the way that Shakespeare uses parallels between the characters and his structure with the contracts to emphasize his point. I did need more of an analysis of the construction. The instructions that he hands out with each essay run to two pages. I read them twice, highlight what it is that I think I need to do, and then refer to them again and again (and again and again) while I am writing, but it still seems like there are things I "forget" when all is said and done. I am betting I will lose a letter grade for not discussing this. I am hoping for a "B." We'll see. The essay has to be at least 700 words. Mine are usually double that, but it seems like the prompt calls for triple.

And ... no "Giving," it wasn't a typo and I didn't catch it. It was a flat-out error. If it is the only egregious error in the essay, it shouldn't count against that part of my grade. He did tell me on my last essay that I have solid grammar and good word usage.

I should know my score soon. This teacher is very dedicated and grades things in a timely manner.

Othello is next.

Notoman

Nov 24, 2009

Undergraduate / Ralph's grocery store ad - UC ESSAY 3 Personal Accomplishment [3]

The story from second grade, while endearing, seems a little too long. You are putting a lot of emphasis on something that happened in the distant past. If you were to shorten that part, maybe put another accomplishment somewhere in the middle, and then continue on with the sound system and band experience, the essay would put more emphasis on recent accomplishments.

Notoman

Nov 23, 2009

Book Reports / Two scenes whose natures contribute to the theme of the play - Merchant of Venice Essay [12]

Thanks Kevin!

Your advice helps a lot.

I don't think that it is a particular problem--just a lack of perfection. This is the toughest class I have ever had. The teacher is passionate about Shakespeare and really wants to make sure we get it. The prompts are hard for me ... I am used to things like: Compare and contrast two scenes or two characters, OR talk about the theme of justice--things that are much simpler! My thesis does get lost because the prompt is convoluted in my mind. Compare and contrast two scenes, talk about the ambiguity of characters, and tie all of this into theme and then into the big picture. It isn't an issue of respect or appreciation--this guy is one of the best teachers I have ever had. I am learning a lot; I am just not scoring well. I don't think anyone is. *SIGH*

I'll keep you apprised of how this essay scores.

Notoman

Nov 22, 2009

Book Reports / Two scenes whose natures contribute to the theme of the play - Merchant of Venice Essay [12]

My Shakespeare grades have been sucking! I will be lucky if I can pull a B. This teacher is incredibly tough and I am not able to satisfy the guy (now, now Faisal, get your mind out of the gutter).

Would someone mind taking a look at it?

Notoman

Nov 22, 2009

Book Reports / Two scenes whose natures contribute to the theme of the play - Merchant of Venice Essay [12]

I haven't been scoring well on my Shakespeare essays. I really need help! My biggest problem, it seems, it that I don't see the forest for the trees. I will get bogged down in the little details and let the big picture slip by. I will need to come up with a title as well. Thank you!!!

Here's the prompt:

Choose two scenes whose analogous and antithetical natures contribute to the theme of the play. You will need to establish the analogous nature of two scenes. Then explain the various ways in which they are antithetical. Use these ideas to help you as you discuss the ambiguity/uncertainty of characters and of Shakespeare's ultimate point. Finally, decide on the larger point Shakespeare is making through such a construction (As we have asked in class, to what does Shakespeare show allegiance/support?). Develop your discussion of theme within the body.

In The Merchant of Venice, Shakespeare explores the concept of covenants through several motifs including marriage, inheritance, filial piety, and justice. While revenge is personal, justice intends to right societal wrongs, but The Merchant of Venice makes a mockery of justice. Jessica not only steals away in the night, but steals what she and her cohorts can carry. The unorthodox contract between Antonio and Shylock along with Portia fraudulently acting the part of a Doctor of Laws at court further derides the notion of justice. Antonio and Shylock serve as the protagonist and antagonist, but it is not always clear which one is which. Two scenes in particular highlight the ambiguous nature of justice in the play: Jessica breaking her familial bond with her father and stealing Shylock's wealth depicts a covenant bound in tradition and loyalty rather than the law; while the contract between Antonio and Shylock for a "pound of flesh" is an example of a legal, albeit an unorthodox and even unethical, contract.

Shakespeare weaves interconnections between the characters in The Merchant of Venice not only through their relationships to one another, but through contracts, agreements, and pledges. Contracts play an apparent role: Bassanio is bound to Antonio when he repeatedly borrows money from him, Antonio is bound to Shylock when he offers his own flesh as collateral to secure a loan, Portia is bound by her father's unconventional stipulations for her marriage, Bassanio and Gratiano are bound to Portia and Nerissa not only through marriage but by the rings the women present to the men, and Jessica is bound to Shylock because she is his daughter. Shakespeare writes of other pledges in the play: Gratiano and Nerissa answer to Antonio as his servants and cannot marry without his permission, Launcelot is tied in servitude to Shylock, Portia's suitors are obligated to never marry if they open the wrong casket, and Shylock is restrained by his status as a Jew and non-citizen of Venice and the sentence meted out by the Venetian court.

Jessica's elopement with Lorenzo and the courtroom scene where Antonio and Shylock meet to settle the terms of their contract elucidate facets of justice using "flesh" as both a metaphorical and a literal commodity. "My own flesh and blood to rebel!" exclaims Shylock when he relates Jessica's flight from him (3.1.30). In taking Jessica, Lorenzo has stolen much more from Shylock than ducats and jewels; he has stolen his daughter-his flesh. Not only does Shylock lose his daughter in this exchange, but his family line and ability to bestow his faith on subsequent generations is subverted. Jessica reveals misgivings about her treachery when she tells Lorenzo, "I am glad 'tis night, you don't look upon me,/ For I am much ashamed of my exchange" (2.6.35-36). On the surface, Jessica appears to be embarrassed by her appearance in boys' clothing, but Jessica could also be expressing compunction for the disloyalty toward her father. It is this loss of his flesh and blood in the form of his daughter and the authority's inability to recover his possessions that heightens Shylock's resolve to enforce the contract against Antonio. Antonio's friends are sure that Shylock will not take Antonio's flesh if he forfeits the bond because the flesh has no value. Shylock tells them that he will use the flesh as fish bait. "If it will feed nothing else, it will feed my revenge," he says (3.1.47-48). Shylock, glad when he hears news of Antonio's losses, is certain that the Duke will enforce the legal contract and provide Shylock with his revenge in the form of a pound of Antonio's flesh.

While these two scenes establish a connection with "flesh" as a central element, there are marked differences between them. Jessica and Lorenzo abscond with Shylock's valuables in the dark of the night and with Jessica in disguise. Not only does Lorenzo fail to ask Shylock's permission for his daughter's hand in marriage, but he escapes with her under concealment. Shylock, on the other hand, demands Antonio's flesh in open court, saying, "I stand here for law" (4.1.145). Shylock has a legal contract and seeks the court's assistance in enforcing it, where the elopement seeks to circumvent the covenant between Shylock and his daughter. Lorenzo and Jessica are assisted by their friends in the elopement, and the friends come together again in the courthouse to support Antonio, but Shylock is left in his house and is again alone in court.

Shakespeare uses rings to further draw parallels and delineate distinctions in these scenes. When Jessica flees, she takes her mother's turquoise ring and then trades the ring for a monkey. Shylock laments the loss of this ring, a sentimental gift from his wife, saying, "I would not have given it for a wilderness of monkeys" (3.1.108-109). Portia tests Bassanio by asking for the ring she has given him. While in disguise as the lawyer Balthazar, Portia seeks the ring as a token of gratitude for her legal services. At first, Bassanio refuses to part with the ring, telling the lawyer: "Good sir, this ring was given me by my wife,/ And when she put it on, she made me vow/ That I should neither sell nor give nor lose it" (4.1.456-458). Bassanio relents and turns over the ring when his friend Antonio beseeches him to, "let him have the ring./ Let his deservings, and my love withal,/ Be valued 'gainst your wife's commandment" (3.1.464-466). Gratiano, ever the shadow of Bassanio, presents Nerissa's ring to the lawyer's clerk. Shylock loses Leah's ring through no fault of his own, Bassanio chooses to give away Portia's ring in a show of loyalty to Antonio, and Gratiano gives away his ring from Nerissa because of his desire to emulate Bassanio. As a further mockery of justice, Bassanio's and Gratiano's rings are returned to them while Shylock's ring is located, but never repatriated.

Bassanio offers Shylock 6,000 ducats to repay the original 3,000 borrowed, but Shylock refuses and instead insists on the pound of Antonio's flesh. Portia, incognito and acting as a lawyer when she is not sanctioned by the court to do so, reveals a loophole in the law that not only spares Antonio's life, but releases him from repaying the principal borrowed. The voidance of the contract for a pound of flesh and loss of the principal would be, in modern times at least, a just outcome of such a ludicrous agreement, but Portia turns the law on Shylock, claiming that the agreement is tantamount to a threat on Antonio's life. Shylock's attempt to gain recompense for the loss of his flesh and blood by taking a pound of Antonio's flesh backfires. The court metes out a sentence that further compounds the loss and humiliation Shylock suffered at Jessica's elopement. Portia stipulates terms that require Shylock to forfeit half of his wealth, name Lorenzo his heir, and convert to Christianity. Giving that Shylock has already lost a significant amount of money in the elopement, requiring more in the form of a fine is a harsh blow. By demanding that Shylock name Lorenzo as his heir, the court is forcing Shylock to legally acknowledge the marriage between his daughter and the interloper. The conversion to Christianity is perhaps the harshest punishment imposed by the court. As a Christian, Shylock would no longer be able to participate in his career of usury. In addition to this loss of income, as a Jewish man, Shylock's eternal soul is placed in jeopardy. Justice is ambiguous in this scene. Shylock has lost everything-his daughter, his wealth, his inheritance, and his religion-but to Shakespeare and his contemporaries, this ending could be construed a happy one where Shylock is forced to find an ethical means of making money, the family is reunited through the court-dictated relationship, and Shylock's soul is saved with his conversion to Christianity.

Using covenants to explore different facets of justice, Shakespeare does not seem to come to any conclusions, but would rather the audience members explore their own beliefs. Antonio is neither the hero nor the villain, Shylock is detestable and sympathetic at the same time, and the justice system cannot be relied upon to right society's wrongs.

Notoman

Nov 19, 2009

Grammar, Usage / Ask for Thank giving day Holiday [4]

I am not sure what this is saying!

First off, it is Thanksgiving. One word with an "s" between "thank" and "giving."

Capitalize "I" and the names of months.

Notoman

Nov 18, 2009

Undergraduate / UC Essay #2 An important experience. Roller Coaster [12]

The hyperbole is overblown.

There are a lot of redundancies, "plunged down," for example.

Some of the word choices could be stronger because the word is slightly off or has more than one meaning that could confuse the reader. You say that your cousin is unaffected, for example. Unaffected can mean that she is not affected, but it can also mean that she is sincere and genuine. See the potential for confusion? Likewise, a plume could describe column of fire, but because it is more commonly associated with smoke, it isn't the best word here.

You use a ton of adverbs. I have a personal bias against adverbs. Stephen King calls them a lazy writer's crutch. Try to let your verbs do most of the talking without puffing up your prose with adverbs.

Be careful with the more complex sentences so you don't have unintended results. Here's an example: "As I walked onto the platform and felt seat restraints lock ..." You felt the seat restraints on the platform?

Think about the light that an essay puts you in. What kind of traits do you want to illuminate? When I read this brief glimpse into your life, I don't see a girl who overcame her fear, but a girl who is prone to freaking out and exaggerating the danger for drama's sake. If I were an admissions official, I'd be afraid that you would show up on campus and have a panic attack, burst into sobs when you got your first test back with a B on it, miss your home so much that you wouldn't return after a weekend visit, or melt into a puddle of misery if a boy broke up with you. I know that you are trying to use strong words for effect, but I think that they are backfiring instead. You don't come across as mentally healthy and ready to take on the challenge of college life in this essay. Use the opportunity to showcase your "personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience" instead of a weakness.

Notoman

Nov 18, 2009

Undergraduate / "mouth-watering contributions " - UC Essay Prompt 1 - Community [3]

Here are a few things to get you started:

The scents of a perfectly cooked turkey, carefully prepared stuffing, and tasty, delicious sweet potato coaxed me upstairs.

The sweet potato in this sentence feels out of place. We have the perfectly cooked turkey ... carefully prepared stuffing ... and the tasty, delicious sweet potato. See what I mean? The word "tasty" throws off the rhythm and muddles the comma structure. Turkey and stuffing are rightfully singular, but I do hope that you have more than one potato to feed that many people.

I saw many of our family's friends and neighbors, and everyone has brought mouth-watering contributions to tonight's feast.

The verbs in this sentence could be a lot stronger. Right now, "I saw" is acting as the main verb andthat isn't very exciting. Why not just say: Our friends and neighbors have brought mouth-watering contributions to tonight's feast.

For as long as I can remember, this has been our tradition; my family has brought together more than thirty of our closest friends to our home for this annual celebration of thanks.

The "for as long as I remember" doesn't add anything to this sentence. It doesn't detract either, but with such a limited word count, you will want to make every word count. Try to rephrase this so it is active voice. Try something like: Traditionally, my family brings together more than thirty of our closest friends for this annual celebration of thanks.

Notoman

Nov 17, 2009

Essays / Do I even need too use alot of Quotes in a essay? [8]

For an essay of this nature, you will *have* to use a lot of quotes to make it work.

There is way to weave the quotes into your own sentences that so that you are doing the talking and analyzing instead of just plunking down quotes. If you were to address Jefferson's supposition that men are "endowed by their creator" with right and it is the "Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them" to those rights, you could weave in quotes like I just did.

Here's another example:

Washington extolled the public in "the name of American, which belongs to you, in your national capacity," to "always exalt the just pride of Patriotism."

Notoman

Nov 17, 2009

Essays / Influential Black Person (a local essay contest) [11]

Hendrix would be an unusual and interesting choice. He faced *a lot* of racism. He was expelled from school for holding hands with a white girl. He grew up in Washington state where racism wasn't as prevalent as in the deep south, but he still had issues when he toured. He was called "the Wild man of Borneo," a racist slur in its own way. After he became famous, people either treated him as superman, less than a man, but rarely as just a man.

He made a significant contribution to the way rock music was played. People played mostly "clean" before Hendrix tore things up with distortion pedals--he even invented the wah wah. He died when he was only 27. Imagine what he could have done if he had lived longer.

Hendrix was half black and half Native American, by the way, but I wouldn't think that would matter here.

Notoman

Nov 16, 2009

Essays / Declaration of Independence Writing Assignment [3]

The phrase refers to the "divine right of kings"--the thought that kings are intended to rule by God and any usurpation of that authority is a a sin. Jefferson rebuked that. The Declaration goes on to say, "that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed."

God gives men rights--rights that other men cannot take away. Just governmental power only comes from the consent of those who are being governed.

What class is this for? Do you need to do a short answer or a well-developed essay?

Notoman

Nov 12, 2009

Student Talk / Common app - I only 150 words, but a minimum was 250. [16]

Have you considered community college? I am just kidding. I should not joke around when I know that you are stressed. Is there a "contact" page on the website? They should have the ability to make changes from the inside and open up the text box for you again. Good luck with it!

Notoman

Nov 11, 2009

Undergraduate / "got a call announcing that I had the job" - common app short answer-activity [10]

Now, now Kevin. This is the type of advice that will get you suspended, *grin*

Notoman

Nov 10, 2009

Undergraduate / "got a call announcing that I had the job" - common app short answer-activity [10]

One ordinary day, a brilliant idea struck me. If I could work at a cafe, I would be able to make money and read books at the same time, when there were no customers around.

A brilliant idea? I dunno about that. People have thought about jobs where they could pursue other interests in the down time for a long, long time. I think of brilliant ideas as being those things that have far-reaching implications and this doesn't quite fit the definition there.

I was able to reshape a small part of the world, at age of sixteen, by simply not giving in.

This is a pretty broad statement. If you were to simply say, my world instead of the world, it would read better.

I know that this is short, but it still doesn't tell a whole lot about you. It shows perseverance, but it doesn't tell anything else about you. There are grammar errors, but I'll let others address those.

Notoman

Nov 10, 2009

Poetry / The analysis of "The loneliness one dare not sound" [3]

You'll need to consider definitions of some of the words that may not be the first ones that come to your mind.

"Sound" does not mean something that you hear in this case, but the process of measuring the depth of something.

"Plumbing" does not refer to flushing toilets, but is used to pertain, again, to measurement.

What is this poem saying about loneliness? What does the poem say about self analysis?

Notoman

Nov 9, 2009

Undergraduate / UC Prompt Essay (both prompts) - Business Major [5]

Here are some thoughts on the first essay:

Fathers' always have words of wisdom for their children.

No need for the apostrophe there. It is the plural of father--fathers.

The simple advice from my own father that has shaped me as a person is to "pursue something that you are passionate about, and do not forget to take some risks along the way."

One way to get that word count down is to phrase your verbs in the active voice. Try to get rid of as many "to be" verbs as you can.

I discovered that it takes a lot of hard work to be a sole owner of a business, but enjoyed the challenge of running a business.

Here's another place you could cut back on your word count. Take out "of running a business." It is redundant and doesn't change the meaning of the sentence. Putting this into the active voice would save even more words ... Owning a business requires hard work, but I enjoyed the challenge. From 26 words down to 11.

I had always been interested in technology and business, so I looked there for my passion.

This is wordy without saying a whole lot. This could be boiled down to: I found my passion in technology and business. 16 words to 8. Changing this doesn't make it fit as well where it was, but I wanted to give you ideas for cutting the word count. If you cut with this kind of ruthlessness, you will have room to elaborate on certain points and will actually be saying MORE in your essay.

I began learning everything I could about web design and development, flash animation, and motion graphics.

Make this stronger: I taught myself about web design ... Not only will you save words, but it makes more of a statement. "Everything I could," weakens the sentence because it means different things to different people. Omitting "everything I could" lets the reader assume a greater level of competency with what you have learned. Teaching yourself shows more initiative than merely learning.

I became completely self-taught in all of these subjects, but specifically enjoyed creating websites in my spare time.

This becomes redundant with the changes in the other sentence, but you could work the part about creating websites into the other sentence. Again, I would omit the part about "spare time." You don't need that as a qualifier and it limits the amount of accomplishment in the reader's mind.

Notoman

Nov 9, 2009

Undergraduate / making a difference via coaching soccer - 150 words [12]

We so often see lists of three or more items, and there is no comma before the conjunction.

But actually, you are supposed to use one! I learned that from a book by Dianna Hacker.

Lin goes to school in England. They don't use the serial--or Oxford--comma there. Lin, I know that you are probably put off by that last comma ... when applying for American universities, I think that you are better off using it.

There was something about this sentence that was bothering me and I couldn't put my finger on it. I have figured it out now:

Since third grade, I've played countless matches for the school, foundation, club and canton, and my school team has remained undefeated for four years now.

The punctuation, to an American's mind, gets a little muddled. I'd rewrite it like this: Since third grade, I've played countless matches for the school, foundation, club[,] and canton[;]~~, and~~ my school team has remained undefeated for four years now. It isn't that your construction is wrong, but putting in a serial comma and then a semi-colon will help the yanks.

How about "indiscriminate power to bring people together"

I like that! Like Kevin said, "indiscriminate" conveys a far-reaching ability to transcend cultural barriers.

Notoman

Nov 8, 2009

Undergraduate / The committees at my high school encourage students who share a common interest to work together [5]

Here are a couple more thoughts for you:

First Essay

Being apart of a work force at Panera Bread seemed like an ideal place to work and to get real world experience.

This sentence gets a little awkward. First, it should be a part. Being a part of a work force? Being a part of the work force? Being a part of the staff? Perhaps you could just say, Working at Panera Bread ... The awkwardness is, in part, because of this beginning. If you take out the stuff in the middle, what you are really saying is, "Being a part of a work force seemed like an ideal place to work." How about simply: Working at Panera Bread was the ideal way to get real-world experience.

Knowing a few people at Panera Bread convinced me that I wanted to experience what there were experiencing.

what they were experiencing. With a limited word count, you won't want to use two forms of "experience" in the same sentence. Mix it up.

I wanted to be apart

Again, "apart" needs to be two words. A piece of pie, a part of a team.

This essay doesn't necessarily put you in a good light. It doesn't put you in a bad light either, but you could use it to highlight some of your attributes. Personally, I don't see Panera Bread as being a place that really helps people. I know, I know--people *need* their coffee and bagels, but the restaurant industry isn't normally associated with helping people. You can reword your desire for money in a way that is a little less specific but puts you in a better light. Why not just say that you wanted to take more responsibility for your expenditures and to be able to save for college expenses? The admissions staff doesn't need the impression that the only expense you will be responsible for is school supplies and food. Talk a little bit more about learning responsibility, teamwork, and how to take direction and less about being comfortable because all of your friends worked in the same place.

Notoman

Nov 7, 2009

Book Reports / Shakespeare's Measure for Measure [9]

ARGH! 76% on this essay. I knew that I didn't have it nailed, but I thought it would be better than that. I lost points for lack of focus. I can see that in retrospect. I also lost points for having weak topic sentences. It wasn't supposed to be a traditional five-paragraph essay so I didn't give any thought to topic sentences.

I don't think I can pull an A in this class now. It is a very tough class--the toughest I have ever had. My mom says that it is harder than anything she did in high school, college, or even in grad school. We didn't have a rubric, but the teacher did hand out an assignment sheet (most of which I posted here). He has very high expectations for his students. It isn't an AP class or even honors. We are just high school kids. BTW, I did get a hundred percent on the sonnet I had to write--my first 100 on a writing assignment for this class.

The test that I flunked was a combination of fill-in-the-blank, short answer, and quote identification. I did equally poorly on all of the parts. The quote identification was especially difficult. We were given a short quote and then had to identify the speaker, context, what is revealed about the speaker by the line/s, what theme the line/s pertain to, and why the moment was important to the plot. Some of the quotes were easy: "O cunning enemy that, to catch a saint,/ With saints dost bait they hook." And others were really hard: "Go say I sent thee thither" or "He will relent. He's coming. I perceive' 't." I had only read the play once before I had to take the test, but I did study for it. I did some online practice quizzes and reread all of my notes. I read the play again before I wrote my paper and got a lot more out of it the second time.

I am frustrated because I feel like I am working really hard without success.

Notoman

Nov 7, 2009

Writing Feedback / Think of a skill that a person should have in order to succeed in modern world. [3]

Here are a few thoughts for you:

updated in every field.

Every field? Doctors don't need to know the latest technology used for auto repair and auto technicians really don't need to know how to do brain surgery. This statement is over broad.

One of the advantage of keeping oneself updated is that, No body can misguide you.

One of the advantages . Advantages needs to be plural. nobody No need to capitalize it, but it does need to be one word. When you write it as two words, it looks like the person does not have a body.

If a person is aware about the particular subject than he can present his view if someone is trying to mislead him.

Put a comma after the word "subject." "Than" should be "then."

For instance, If a person is purchasing a home and he has information about the prices, than he can bargain about the price instead of just finalizing the deal with no arguments.

"If" does not need a capital. Again, than should be then.

Therefore, a person can make himself protected with other's wrong intention.

Usually in English, we would say "protect himself" instead of "make himself protected." It flows much better. "Others" here is plural so you would need to write in, "others' wrong intentions."

With his knowledge a person can take the new decision by keeping him aware about the positive and negative aspects of particular decision.

You need a comma after the word "knowledge." There are certain words (when, as, if, while, before, because, on) that will let you know that the possibility of needing a comma is high. Here is a web quiz for you to practice this concept a little more:

newsroom101.com/NR_exercises/grammar/comma/introductorycomma 01.htm

This make him confident about the action he has to performed.

This makes him ... either use "he has to perform" or "has performed."

make his decision accordingly

makes

Knowledge helps the person to think rationally and make him aware

makes

If a advertising company make itself

makes (and "if" should be lowercase)

Thus it make him

makes

In conclusion I must say if a person is updated then with his knowledge make him confident to take risk and easily adaptation in the field if competition. And also make him able to think rationally before taking any decision.

Comma after "conclusion." Comma after the word "updated." Makes. Makes.

This is well organized and thought out. The good news is that most of your mistakes are ones that you make repeatedly. Why is that good news? Because once you figure those things out, your writing will be almost error free! Work on learning about commas after introductory clauses and verb agreement. He makes, she makes, the company makes, it makes, you make, I make, we make, she will make, he will make, we will make ...

Notoman

Nov 6, 2009

Undergraduate / making a difference via coaching soccer - 150 words [12]

Nice essay Lin! It is short, but you are still able to convey athleticism, perseverance, and a giving heart. Here are just a couple of ideas for tweaks:

Contrary to other activities that require analysis and deliberation planning, soccer requires self-effacement, spontaneity and instinct. Since third grade...

You use the word "require" twice here. Try plugging something else in ... in need of, entail, command, demand, necessitate, exact ...

soccer's best quality is its far-reaching effect to bring people together

Far-reaching ability? Capacity? It isn't that the word is wrong. Personally, I see "effect" as being weak--a blah word that the reader's mind skips over.

That's abut it. Good work my friend Lin.

Notoman

Nov 4, 2009

Student Talk / AP English Exam - test when you get a score of 1-5? [14]

I am not taking AP English this year, but I plan on taking the test. That plan has worked out for me pretty well in the past.

I bought an AP study guide to help prepare. I haven't taken the test yet, so I don't know how useful it is. The study guides use questions from previous years though so I imagine that they would give you a pretty good idea of what to expect. Head to your library and check out a couple of study guides from different publishers to see which one you like the best.

Notoman

Nov 4, 2009

Book Reports / Shakespeare's Measure for Measure [9]

I was using "paradigms" to mean archetypes. The word "paragon" had come to mind first, but that doesn't work because it conveys merely a good example. I substituted "paradigm" without thinking too deeply about the word. It isn't the best word here because the meaning that I intended is not the first meaning that comes to most people's minds. Most people think of a paradigm as a way of thinking--a theoretical structure. Paradigms are things that need shifted.

Yes, that first sentence does need something. It is a weak way to start an essay. I have pulled myself up to a "B" in my Shakespeare class. I might be able to finish it with an "A" if work really, really hard. It is probably a good thing that the essay requires students to show that they read the play in my case or my teacher would doubt that I did. I flunked the test on Measure for Measure. I read the play, I studied the play, I really felt like I understood the play. But this test was tough. I am not even sure if I could have passed it if we were allowed to refer to a copy of the work.

We're on to The Merchant of Venice now. Shakespeare has become *much* easier for me to understand.

Thanks for your input!

Notoman

Nov 3, 2009

Essays / "BUt that's the way we've always done it!" Thesis and Essay [8]

You could start out with a quick look at marriage--betrothal between toddlers, arranged marriages , dowries, veils to hide the bride's face lest the groom get a glimpse and flee. Marriage used to be much more of a church thing where now it is more secular in nature. You could even bring in the (Louisiana?) official who refused to marry an inter-racial couple (it was in the news recently). Then relate these antiquated notions of marriage to gay marriage. Once we accept marriage as a contractual and societal relationship between two consenting adults, what is the reason to limit that relationship to heterosexual couples?

Or you could start out with story about a gay couple emphasizing their commitment and desire to be married. You could give them androgynous names even to trick the reader into thinking that "Nic" and "Chris" are a regular couple.

Notoman

Nov 3, 2009

Poetry / Any topic related to: Whitman, Dickinson, Yeats, Frost, Stevens, or Eliot [4]

Jeannie, you have been giving some great advice. I always smile when I see you have responded to a post.

All of those poets are very different. You could do a compare/contrast paper, but that might be a little more complex than you could handle given the page limit. You could limit the scope by comparing and contrasting how someone like Frost, a poet laureate and winner of four Pulitzer Prizes obviously wrote for publication and someone like Dickinson, with most of her works not being discovered until after her death, and how that impacted their writing. Even the idea of editing comes into play with this example. I doubt if anyone changed a line of Frost's, but Dickinson's early publications were edited to the point that the changes obliterated the original. Yeats was a Nobel Prize winner and an Irish Senator. How did his fame affect his writing? Eliot was another Nobel winner and from a wealthy family.

You could take one theme ... nature, personification, cadence, romantic love, family ties, religion, war, death .. . and discuss how different poets have approached the subject. I will use Frost and Dickinson again because those are the two that I know best. Using Frost's "Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening" and Dickinson's "Because I Could Not Stop for Death" to examine the poets' treatment of death would work as a paper.

You could take one of the poets and examine their use of language. Robert Frost, for example, had very simple poems on the surface with deeper meaning hidden within the lines. Yeats used a lot of symbolism and seemed to enjoy shrouding his meaning in florid language.

Poetry and politics ... Whitman used his writing to advance a political agenda as did Eliot. Yeats used his Nobel Prize to advance awareness of Ireland's plight, and even Frost was known to make a political statement.

Or the sex lives of the poets if you dare. They are all over the spectrum.

Or how their life situations affected their writing, how education played into their poetry, how each of them broke the rules in his or her own way, the success--and lack of success--each had in his or her life time.

Picking a topic will be tough. What is it that fascinates you about these poets and their work? What would you like to learn more about?

Notoman

Nov 3, 2009

Poetry / Help with Robert Frost's the Road Not Taken [3]

That is quite the word count for such a short poem! The thing about Robert Frost is that he appears simple on the surface, but there is always a deeper message. He doesn't lose himself (or the reader for that matter) in flowery, ostentatious language, but he isn't writing a doctoral dissertation. It is more like a journal entry.

Look at some of Frost's other poem. "Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy" is rife with double meaning. Even "King's X," one of Frost's shortest poems at less than forty words, is filled to the brim with symbolism and political statement.

I don't know if you can claim that the speaker is uneducated. Personally, I don't see that in the poem. He may be speaking in ordinary English, but there is still a sophistication to the thought. Frost (although not necessarily the speaker in the poem) was no idiot. He attended Dartmouth and Harvard. He may have never graduated from college, but he did teach high school and college English courses. Heck, even to go to college in those days was unusual.

The literal and simpler interpretation is that once you have taken a road, that road becomes part of your past. You cannot go back and change your past by taking a different route and therefore you must chose wisely. There is also the shout out to individualism ... taking the road less traveled.

But ... here's the ironic part ... the speaker says that the roads are the same. Both are, in fact, trodden. Both paths have been taken before with known results. There is not exactly a lot of risk involved with this decision. He is looking down them and can barely distinguish one from the other. In his future telling of the story, he will embellish the importance of the choice. Is the path a choice or a chance? Is he deciding or merely flipping a coin mentally? Is the simplistic language telling of the lack of thought and care that has gone into the decision? How has the path really affected the speaker's life? Or has it? It that something that is indeterminable? The speaker is already creating his own myth: "I shall be telling this with a sigh / Somewhere ages and ages hence." His life is ordinary, but even ordinary men have a history and a family that cares about that history.

I don't know if this helps or confuses you even more. What you have now only scratches the surface of analysis and then veers off on a tangent.

Notoman

Nov 2, 2009

Book Reports / Shakespeare's Measure for Measure [9]

Here's my rewrite. I tried to do it in a manner that I would not have to start over, but that changes the focus to temptation and tries to expand a little more on the analysis.

Thank you!!

Notoman

Oct 31, 2009

Undergraduate / "engendered a love for fashion" - stanford roommate essay [10]

Think of this as not just a letter to a future roommate, but a college application essay. While you should take a light tone, you still want to show the school why you would be a good fit. What do you want the school to know about you? What attributes can you hit on within the word count?

These are just my own thoughts and opinions, but I'll break it down a little and show you how I might or approach the essay or what my perceptions might be:

When someone says to describe myself in 1800 characters, I think why am I wasting space by writing an intro? So, instead of citing off activities on my resume surrounded by lavish adjectives in sentences, I concocted a sparknotes version of me that would provide pragmatic when forced to share four walls together.

For telling us you aren't going to give an introduction, this is an awful long one! There are a lot of character used here without getting into the meat of the essay. Talk about yourself much, much sooner and let the fluff fall to the wayside. There are grammatical errors here that don't give the best first impression. You will also want to avoid any negative aspects like "forced to share four walls." Even if you aren't excited about dorm living and you have never had to share a room in your life, this isn't the place to complain.

While chocolate is a woman's best friend, it is my taste buds worst enemy.

Something of this sort is fine. It doesn't take up too many characters and it shows a quirk. Having just watched an episode of Dirtiest Jobs, I am sure that chocolate wouldn't be your worst enemy, but the hyperbole works here. Watch the grammar. You need a possessive apostrophe there.

I can not jog more than a mile without thinking there is a serial killer chasing me.

I know what you are saying here, but the reader could think that this sentence means that running makes you paranoid--after the mile mark, you start hallucinating about serial killers. This is fine--it doesn't cost too many characters. Running would be construed as a positive trait for a potential student as it helps to blow off steam and increases physical fitness. You would need to rework your sentence though.

The only way I can stay up past midnight is to put on music and dance as if there is an earthquake violently shaking my body, my arms flailing in every direction. I love to break awkward silences with some of my signature jokes.

Okay, more quirks. As it stands, you have a list of idiosyncrasies, but you still haven't told the school about your positive traits. Imagine going into a job interview and saying, "I don't like chocolate, I hallucinate when I run, and I flail when I dance." And then when there is an awkward silence, you could ask, "Wanna hear one of my signature jokes?" I am not trying to pick on you, but I do want to point out that this is more like a job application than a Craiglist ad for a roomie.

I have an addiction that rehab can not cure: reading. Even now, my hands incessantly find their way back to the pages of My Sister's Keeper.

Here you go. You are getting more to attributes that play into the ability to be a successful student. These sentences are a little awkward. I don't think I would list a particular book--especially one from pop culture. The thought of your hands incessantly finding their way to the books' pages is an odd mental image. Unless the book is in Braille, I don't think of the hands as being overly engaged with the page while reading.

One stereotype that I admit falling into is an Asian, woman driver-able to do triple integrals, yet can't make a turn without endangering lives.

Like Kevin, I find this funny. I have a friend who hit a car at a stop light. She backed up and was afraid that she backed up too far so she pulled forward again--hitting the car a second time. She is offended when we tell her that she is the stereotypical Asian woman driver. I like this sentence. It shows that you are comfortable with math and can laugh at yourself.

If there was one physical appearance I could change about myself, it would be my hair. People have compared it to as big as a lion's mane, yet as coarse as a horse's tail. I have engendered a love for fashion while working at a clothing store.

This ia all stuff that I would delete to make room for other characters. Physical appearance and love for fashion isn't something that Stanford will be looking at when making its decision. You run the risk of the reader thinking that you are superficial. Use those characters to talk about other traits. You don't have to list your GPA or things of that nature, but let Standford know that you are considerate, easy going, open to new experiences and new people, and eager to be a part of the college community. Use the space to showcase your humor, but do it in a way that makes the characters count. If there is something in the essay that doesn't speak to your ability to be a successful student at Stanford, cut it to make room for things that will.

Notoman

Oct 30, 2009

Book Reports / Shakespeare's Measure for Measure [9]

Thanks for your quick response Sean! I got an 83% on my last Shakespeare essay because I didn't develop my thesis enough. I can see now that this one is heading in the same direction. After reading your comments, I am thinking I might need to change my thesis. I know that Angelo starts out as the model of "good" in the beginning of the play, but quickly shows himself to be the antagonist.

There are some things--what Shakespeare thinks about premarital sex--that I barely touch on. The whole process of marriage in that day is pretty confusing to me. There were several steps ... a private promise of betrothal, arrangement of a dowry, public handfasting with witnesses, and then the banns and solemnization in the church. "Why you are nothing, then, neither maid, widow, nor wife?" the Duke says of Mariana. She is in that gray area of not being single but not being fully married either.

I have always found the relationship between Joseph and Mary of the Bible interesting. The story of Jesus's birth in Luke says that Joseph went to Bethlehem to "enroll himself with Mary, who was betrothed to him, being great with child." Church scholars have long argued that Joseph and Mary were married and that a betrothal of the day cannot be equated with the engagements in modern times, but they had not yet been married in the church. Was betrothal in Shakespeare's day similar? Even now, people can be married by common law if they present themselves as married. Claudio and Juliet have had a handfasting and Claudio refers to her as his wife--they plan on having the church wedding as soon as they get the funds. Angelo and Mariana might have had a handfasting as well, but Angelo does not see her as his wife--and doesn't intend to go through with a church wedding--because her dowry was lost at sea.

Ironically, my parents just "got married" last spring. They have been married for twenty years--were married by a minister and sent their legal paperwork into the county--but they were not married in the Catholic church and did not receive the sacrament of marriage. The church did not see them as married and technically, my dad--a cradle Catholic--could not receive communion until my mom converted and they were married in the church. I asked facetiously if that meant that my brother and I are bastards. My mom said that she didn't know. What? Mom!

Even something such as marriage is not black and white and it was a lot more gray in Shakespeare's time than it is today.

I am rambling. I'll rework my essay and try to incorporate more analysis. I am thinking I am going to need to change the thesis. Thanks again, Sean. I would much rather read this feedback here than get another low score.