Posts by Cl0ark0

Cl0ark0

Mar 24, 2014

Graduate / Navy OCS Motivational Statement; 'Risks are the essence of success' [5]

Wow, an outstanding essay! I did not noticed any errors in your paper. Good job.

Cl0ark0

Feb 4, 2014

Essays / Finding information - how graphic design has impact on Arab revolt + Current issue [4]

Maybe there is so much advancement in Graphic Design that the basic and simple ideas are becoming less and less precious to truly understand. The notion that even with bigger and better, the real beauty is just the simple stuff. That technology is pulling people away from really making their work unique.

Cl0ark0

Feb 4, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2; Technology vs Traditional Skills [4]

What I use to help organize my ideas is to print out the essay and separate the sentences by physically cutting them out. I group what ideas go together. I'm saying this because your ideas are great, but you have them scattered. Jumping from one to another. I'm going to advise you to do this first, before worrying about minor grammar issues. Good job though!

Cl0ark0

Feb 3, 2014

Graduate / A language is a bowl containing thoughts, experiences, and customs - SOP - SOAS [4]

I did not see much error within this well composed essay. Nicely done. Here are my thoughts that I saw that would need slight improvements.

Everything he knew and his own way of life ~~was just~~ "had" vanished. I wanted to keep such loss from happening again. More inspired by the fact that one language disappears approximately every two weeks, I "I am" determined to devote myself to linguistics, more exactly, language maintenance.

If "When" educated by the exceptional curriculum of the department of anthropology combined with linguistics at SOAS, I would be ~~honoured~~ "honored" for the impeccable chance to study.

Again, great essay, well done.

Cl0ark0

Feb 3, 2014

Undergraduate / "The Road Not Taken"; Why Dickinson? [2]

Outstanding essay! Really. I did not notice anything major, according to what I feel that are major errors. I believe this essay is good to submit. You talked about your goals and even what you can present to them with introducing a RC club. Amazing writing.

Cl0ark0

Feb 2, 2014

Undergraduate / What are your reasons for wanting to enroll in the Ib Programme?; IB Entrance [4]

Not bad. But the first sentence can be deleted. You're telling them something they already know.

People have always told me I am full of potential, but I don't feel challenged by the current academic pathway I am taking, to make the most of my potential.

This here is not a good start. You could tell what makes you have potential, somethings you previously done. What type of person you want to become when you finish the IB program.

If I were accepted into IB, I would contribute to the academic and extracurricular components of the IB Programme with my creativity and unique way of reasoning and analyzing.

This here is what I believe could be a strong thesis. Build on what you have here.

The IB Programme is a great experience that will help me become a more responsible, well-rounded of a person, and prepare me for life after high school.

The last sentence is another where you could explain more. Talk about your ambitions after high school, if you have decided on a career path. The rest of the essay are simple fillers, but you can work on them and make them unique. Hope this helps. :)

Cl0ark0

Feb 1, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: A Letter to a friend in an English speaking country [8]

I hope you are doing very well. Within this letter I have a few questions and corrections since we last discussed to have this trip a very pleasant experience.

First, I plan to stay for five months since I have a school holiday that runs 6 months beginning 1st of April to 31st of October. I informed you earlier that I had 10 months, unfortunately this will not happen as it was reduced to five.

Next, is there anything necessary to better prepare for the winter conditions (i.e. extra blankets, sweaters, or proper shoes). Another thing I want to mention and ask is about the medicine I take. (Name the cough medication you are taking) Do you know if any drug stores have this available so if I am not able to take it I won't worry about it?

To close this letter off, it is always great talking to you over the phone or video calls. I am really excited to see you and the places that sound amazing as well. The last thing I want to ask is the short documentary. Have you contacted them and booked the accommodation?

I am looking forward to seeing you soon,

(Your name)

It looks great, nice n' simple letter. This is just what I think should change. I hope I helped you.

Cl0ark0

Jan 31, 2014

Undergraduate / My only task was to get good grades; UW Madison [6]

I understand why you mentioned the different individual you were during you Freshman year. Yet, still explain why you want to go or why out of all colleges to choose from, why here? Need more ideas. :)

Cl0ark0

Jan 31, 2014

Undergraduate / Diversity, social opportunities, culture, learning environmen- U MICHIGAN - ANN ARBOR [3]

I believe that this essay is great! I did not see any major concerns. Very strong and direct into what you want out of Ann Arbor, as oppose to another institution.

Cl0ark0

Jan 31, 2014

Undergraduate / A warrior spirit never die-Naval Academy:Deeper Meaning/Purpose to earn invitation to USNA [4]

I understand and thank you for the input. I typed this up in one night so there's work that needs to be done.

Cl0ark0

Jan 30, 2014

Undergraduate / A warrior spirit never die-Naval Academy:Deeper Meaning/Purpose to earn invitation to USNA [4]

Hello, I'm in the process of finishing up my essay for the United States Naval Academy. I've thought for a long time into the detail, ideas and maybe need a little improvement here and there. The prompt goes as follow:

In a well-organized essay of 300 to 500 words, please discuss the following:

"One Navajo story that I hold dear to my heart is known as "The Twin Warriors," it portrays two brothers who defended the Navajo People from vicious entities. This legend is most famous for its honorable message, "A warrior spirit never dies." This principle solely has molded a charismatic trait within, which has aided in my screaming wake-up call during the summer of 2010. My family resorted to living in a fifth wheel travel with no electrical or water components for several months due to a complicate issue. Prior to this tremendous life altering experience, I never felt the immense force of life's bitterness until I painfully witness my family struggle to survive cold nights and emotional stress. However, I soon regained my footing and dusted myself off and mentally took an oath that mirrored the Marine Corps motto: Adapt and Overcome!

When I was a child, my grandfather once asked me, "Did you realize how power our Navajo language is? That we helped secure victory during the Pacific War, despite boarding schools' plan to eliminate our language and punish those who spoke it." Initially, I never understood that powerful notion he explained, but as I have grown up the more I comprehend and motivated, honored to be a Navajo. I have had the privilege to meet a few of these heroes, and one sincere statement a Marine Code Talker name Chester Nez said was, "If they need me back, I would go again." Simple men who truly did an unbelievable service, and I want to possess that extraordinary Marine spirit to aid in my duty in and out of the military.

A rapid growing passion I have is to become a teacher on the reservation to help the younger generation to realize their strengths and establish a stronger foundation than I had to help them succeed. I believe the highest accomplishment anybody can have is teaching another human to believe in themselves to be a confident person. However, I must first become confident that I can undertake a heavy responsibility by becoming confident myself; this is where the Naval Academy will teach me. I know the Academy will be mentally and physically draining, but with the spirit of the Twin Warriors and Navajo Code Talkers embedded within my heart as a driving force, "The warrior spirit never dies" I'll fulfill my purpose in life. The entities our generation faces have transformed from the tangible monsters the Twin Warriors fought into complex issues like poverty, inferior education, or alcohol abuse. I believe with the discipline I learn from the Naval Academy and Marine Corps I will be an inspirational figure within my community to show people that dreams are possible. My time to lead my people away from hardship is approaching and I need to be wielded with the best modern weapon possible: education."