Writing Feedback / I hate smoking the most. People know about smoking's harmful effect, but they still smoke? [4]

If the prompt of your essay is 'Smoking effect' then I think your reasoning is good. But there are several mistakes:
'I don't know why most of the men know clearly about smoking's harmful effect, but they still smoke'. I think you should write the sentence in a more clear way, for example: I do not know why many men still smoke although they know clearly about the negative effects of smoking.

Secondly, your reasoning is good, but the supporting is fairly poor. You should take examples familiar to you about people smoking and the bad habits, bad effects... they receive from smoking.

And finally, I think you should write the essay in parts and every reason would appear first in every part. For example, part one start with "smoking is the main cause of lung cancer" and then you write sentences supporting the thesis. That would make your essay longer and more reliable.

@ vangiespen: can you help me over with my revised essays :)

Undergraduate / Diversity is a beautiful thing. Imagine how boring the world would be if it were homogenous [8]

Your body and ending parts are good and meaningful, but I do not think the first part connects with the following parts. At the very first moment in your opening part you talk about the 'diversity' and then you talk about the club you have founded and finally you argue the advantages of the two added sports which are cross-country and track & field. But afterall, the prompt of the essay is 'Elaborate on one of your Extracurriculars', so I think you are just going around and you should focus on the sole prompt.

@ vangiespen: can you help me with my two revised essays. Thank you in advance.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: working alone appears to be better. It helps us to be more responsible. [9]

Revised essay:
Our work describes the way we are. People practice lots of ways of working to get the most effectively. Some people prefer working alone and consider it as the best. But I believe that working in teams is better. My opinion is associated with reality, personality and social studies.

First, based upon reality, team-working is effective. When every one takes a single part of a huge work, he works faster because he can choose the part at which he is good or he likes best. In Vietnam, in the teacher honoring season, students do a memorial anthology regarding teachers. When my class take part in, every member can do what he/she loves. I volunteer to write a poem while the others write theme songs or essays. The anthology was completed in a very short period of time. Although our product was not rewarded, we were proud of it and I still remembered my poem up to now. Team working does help in finishing the work rapidly.

On a personal viewpoint, team-working benefits us a lot. When working together, we can learn from others. In my class, when an examination season comes, every one has to learn almost anything written in the books. That makes us must join in groups to help each other. One good at math can learn english skills from another and he, in turn, helps others in improving their knowledge. So in this way we can learn from others what we can not obtain while working alone. In addition, team working teaches me to accept other people. I have to realize others' desires are as important as mine. When I do not feel comfortable with the others, I must keep calm, think deeply and then conquer the disagreements. That gradually matures me in a best way.

Socially speaking, working in teams makes our community more vibrant and interactive. One has skills on team working meaning one has abilities to collaborate with others and become more active as well as self-confident. In addition, one can adapt to commutiny faster due to his skills. My friend used to be a coward one. But when he took part in a soft skills course including team working skill, he became more enthusiastic, more fresh and and more happy. We are all pleased to know that.

To summarize, team-working is valuable based on the preceding arguments. I am of the opinion that we should practice working in team regularly so that it can become a basic skill of every modern citizen.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: constructing public transportation systems in cities is good? [9]

thank you

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: constructing public transportation systems in cities is good? [9]

I am sorry, sir. It is really my first experience of doing things like this on our forum. I will write my whole essay by the following:

Big cities play central roles in every country. It's no wonder that governments spend a lot of money modernizing cities. Although some people disagree with constructing public transportation systems in cities, I believe it is positive for development after all. My opinion is associated with geology, economy and social studies.

[...]

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: constructing public transportation systems in cities is good? [9]

Dear vangiespen and other nice people.
I have correct some part of my previous essay based on your feedback. Here it goes. I hope you all can give me feedback over.

"You need to present solid, factual evidence of this claim. This is a very under developed paragraph that lacks the required minimum number of sentences. It is not effective at all. Present an example that shows how ordinary people can save money by taking public transport instead of private vehicles. Compare the price of gas used by cars weekly as opposed to the bus or train fare. Then compare it by month to show the savings of a person."

A little computation shows us. For example, if you have 6 kilometers from your home to work and you work 6 days per week, no more going around, bus fee costs as much as required amount of gas for traveling through a private motorbike. Also, the longer the distance is, the more saving that traveling on bus has as opposed to the private vehicles.

"Move the social interaction to an additional paragraph and develop it further."
Socially, public transportation systems help in connecting people. It is a place for people to meet and share their views, express their attitudes about up-to-date information or current events. That make our community a vibrant and deep-interactive one.

"Your conclusion falls short. It does not have the restated prompt clearly set out, there is no summary of facts, and your opinion is not repeated at the end. There is a need to revise this part as well."

To summarize, public transportation systems have positive effects on our society. Therefore, constructing public transportation systems in cities should be regarded as a cheap, friendly and meaningful way of achieving individual's goal in particular and nation's goals in general.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: working alone appears to be better. It helps us to be more responsible. [9]

Dear vangiespen and other kind people.
I have developed the essay some more based upon your suggestions. Below are my correction and I hope you can give me some feedback.

(The beginning part remains unchanged.)
My initial reason is based upon reality. A person who works alone works faster. He does not need to worry about his team mates or assistants making mistakes that could slow him down. He knows his objective and works with the sole purpose of meeting that objective. In addition, while working alone, one does not waste time on many things such as arranging meeting, explaining ideas...which can cause a lot of disagreements.

[...]

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: working alone appears to be better. It helps us to be more responsible. [9]

What you said is pretty precious to me. Thank you so much.
I acknowledge my ideas to be quite confusing but I think my third reason is quite independent from the first one and I think it should be developed more, isn't it?

Writing Feedback / Computers are more accessible and cheaper, more adults work at home and students study at home [2]

you wrote: Some intelligent students might even compete with each other to get the first place in school which consequently create the enthusiasm for their deeply studying and understanding of the subjects. I think because 'Some intelligent students might even compete with each other to get the first place in school' is the subject of your sentence so the word 'create' must be replaced by 'creates'.

and I think 'more chance' should be 'more chances'.
And I also think working at home does not mean 'you do not have more chance to talk and exchange ideas with each other'. :))

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Regular books will be still appreciated through some traditional readers [9]

You have so much spelling errors: anywere, ussage, continious, belive, ussual. In the test, this will lower your score a lot.
you wrote: many people are using this new technology for reading books instead of printed one. But I think 'printed' should be replaced by 'printing' since you've used 'reading'

you also wrote: The last two decades have seen enormous changes in the way people's lives are affected by the internet. But I think 'the last two decades' is something that can not see anything. So I propose you for using: over the last two decades, we have seen...