Letters / Waitlisted by UPenn - Update Letter to the Dream School [2]

Hey guys! Please, please, please give me a hand with this letter. Several days ago I was waitlisted by Upenn. I don't have a very clear idea of what is appropriade to write in such a letter. Moreover, Upenn is my dream school and I want them to get the right idea about me. Please, please, please help! Any comments are welcome!

Dear Admission Committee,

Several days ago I learned was put on a waitlist by the University of Pennsylvania. First of all, I would like to thank you for spending time reviewing my application. Naturally, the letter of deferral came as a disappointment to me.

Being very serious about my college choices, I researched and considered a lot of amazing school both in my home country and abroad. I applied to various countries around the world and even got admitted by the University of Toronto, UC Berkeley and some other good schools. However, my devotion is still firmly with UPenn - the University, which could present me with unparallel opportunities to flourish in my future career.

The most important reason for me holding on to my dream of attending UPenn is quite simple. No other school can offer to harmoniously combine my three academic interests (International Relations, Business and Languages) into a perfect interdisciplinary program such as Huntsman. With the knowledge acquired during the four years of hard work up my sleeve, I will be able to really alter the world for the best and commit to global issues I feel passionate about. To be honest, I cannot help imagining myself as a part of academic and cultural life in the University of Pennsylvania. Hopefully, I would be a good ambassador on campus and in class, sharing true Russian culture.

Since I submitted my application in winter, there have been some further improvements in my academic and extracurricular records that hopefully could strengthen my application. To begin with, I retook the ACT test and my English score went from 31 to 34 and the Reading one - from 27 to 34. In addition, I became a winner of Russian National Olympiads in French, English and Russian languages and of High School of Economics' Olympiad in World History. In addition I was awarded a diploma of Moscow State University's Olympiad in Society Study.

Apart from my academic achievements, I have been elected as a chair of a new cultural project. My responsibility is to organize a two week program for twelve students from Eaton College, London, who study Russian as a foreign language. That involves setting up excursions, appointing meetings with regional Russian activists and communicating trip related information to the appropriate committees etc. The delegation will be in Moscow in the beginning of May and the plan of their stay is being approved by the Eaton school officials now.

It is my sincere hope that the information above would prove helpful in the further admission process.
Many thanks for your consideration,
Alina Skripets

Letters / awake "like a cucumber" - From Russia with love [5]

I want to be done tomorrow so please comment what you think! Thank you in advance!

Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better. (100 to 250 words)

Hey Roomie,

The time came to make a step of a boat of high school and break the water surface, discovering a vast world beyond. This is always exiting and a little nerve-racking, that I can tell you as a diver.

Hailing from Moscow, I may seem to be a person whose life is governed by schedules. Well, let me dispel that notion for you right here and now. While my Jewish mother did instill in me the importance of academics and getting things done in advance, my Ukrainian father balanced out the seriousness of my life by teaching me how to have fun. I'm a prof in organizing all sorts of activities from vareniki party to Maslenitza celebration. "What's that?" you ask. You'll find out as soon as I start organizing crazy parties and adventures for us that are sure to serve as bonding moments with everyone in our student complex. Our room will be known as the no-boredom zone for sure.

I don't intend to send you into a culture shock tailspin. Just know that there is never going to be a dull moment when I am around. Either we exchange cultural stories and learn about each other, or we study through the night together, our room will remain a peaceful harbor for both of us. I have a lot to share with you both philosophical and satirical and I look forward to discovering all that is unique about you.

Roomie, in a few months we'll lounge into exploring the unknown together, as real dive buddies, breathing in the same air from our gas tanks - the Stanford air.

See you soon,
Alina

Undergraduate / The Power of Powerlessness application essay [4]

Hello again! I know I have not visited the site in a while. The Russian academic Olympiad for high school student is going on now and I had little time to practice writing. However, i wrote another essay on a topic that interests me a lot. I am looking forward to and will be very glad to hear your oppinion on it. The problem is that I got too much into writing it so it came out a 100 words too long and I don't know where to cut it. Anyway let me know what your suggestions are - I would be happy to hear any advice however small!

The College takes on big questions in the arts, sciences, and professions that go beyond the classroom. Write an essay of 600 words or less in response to the following issue: Which corrupts more, power or powerlessness?

Power of Powerlessness

"Snoring like a Sleeping Beauty" mused anesthesiologist, scrutinizing the data flowing at the monitors' screen. "Disinfect the operation sector, please" Gauze's white tongue licked the surface of man's back squeezed by the pale lips of sterile sheets. "Scalpel... Coagulator... Scissors... Retractor..." - Julia Danner minted familiar words with two seconds intervals, automatically performing the usual routine. These actions were just as common in her daily work as the case of the patient on the table in her practice.

She recalled with difficulty the particular knock on the door with which the man appeared in her cabinet for the first time. It was a young man, no different from any other men that came to her, of women for that sake. Got injured doing sports, decided it was nothing serious, his back hurt, came to consult local doctor, got diagnosed with displacement of the spinal disc and refused treatment in light of high technical complexity of the required operation. However, he heard of Julia's late years' success and turned to her for the last recourse. "As usual" reflected Julia that day while slipping a paper out of the table. She wrote a note to her assistant with directions as to the preparation necessary to take before the surgery date. The patient was thrilled to hear that in couple of days he will be operated upon by the famous Julia Danner. In between every few words he inserted "thank you"s so that his speech seemed ridiculously overpacked with the gratitude. "You are my Goddess" he exclaimed on the doorstep.

As the door behind his back closed, Julia returned to her desk but couldn't work for the rest of the day. Her thoughts were discordant. The greatest fear she had, the greatest worry was that one day, grace to all this praises from patients and colleagues she would come to consider herself equal to God. It was one thing she dreaded forgetting - no doctor, however skillful, can compete with the Creator. As long as the patient is doomed to death, nobody can save him. Yes, she suspected she did trick death couple of times. These time God returned people to life with her hands. It was always God.

"Oh God, what have I done!" It was as if in slow motion: her hand that was always guided by divine power trembled and the splinter of a vertebra wedged into the spinal cord. In a second she had no way to escape reality. Her patient was doomed to become disabled for life. Loosing concentration during the most common operation, she immobilized his stream of life as the damage of the spinal cord immobilized the flow of his nerve impulses. He was doomed to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair. Still worse, her reputation was doomed as well.

Years and years of education and practice, she gave up sleep and peace for the sake of mastering surgical skills. This was unbearable. "Bring another implant from the sterilizer" she snapped "the dimensions are wrong". The nurse turned to the tools cabinet. Before Julia know what she was doing, her "divine" hand clenched around a syringe and pulled the plunger to fill it with the lethal insulin dose. Nobody would know about her failure. She pulled the plunger as criminals pull the trigger and the hormone flew as a bullet to the man's brain.

As Julia looked down at the corps, she almost smiled at herself. Through her professional career Julia Danner anticipated that power to heal would bring her to believe to be equal to God but it was the serpent of powerlessness that made her think she could take away the divine gift of life. "How great the power of powerlessness really is" she wandered. Maybe the effect power has on people is well-known and thus it is something we become prepared for. However you don't notice powerlessness until it had consumed your whole heart. The contagious influence of it is not known and we are less vigilous.

"26 January 2014
A famous neurosurgeon Julia Danner committed suicide after being accused of murdering a patient on the operating table."
Throwing the newspaper in trash, the anesthesiologist reflected darkly: "Power can be taken away and you will be free from its contagious influence. You come to be yourself again. Nobody can rip powerlessness out of you" and after a few seconds he muttered darkly "Only death might".

737 words

Undergraduate / "A Ladder" - My name is Alina and the age doesn't matter. Welcome to my world [4]

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

The essay is too long but I can't bring myself to cut it harshly. I would appriciate a critisizing look as ever. Thank you!

A Ladder

"My name is Alina. I'm eleven. I live with my Mom, my Dad and a dog Silva. I like roller-blading. " - I presented myself to the fifth grade English class. By that point in my education teachers in school saw "a potential", "a good material" in me. However, when I met Galina Dmitrievna, my new ESL teacher, it seemed as if she hated me from the start. She would give harder assignments to me and then grade them by the same criteria as others. One day I stayed behind after class and asked her why it wasn't enough for her to just give me good grades for good work. "You need to work to your own standards. One day there will be no teacher to give assignments. You must gain initiative."-was the only answer I got. Challenge was accepted.

[...]

Undergraduate / Almost dead - A ruff lesson; interesting interaction you've had with someone different than yourself [5]

I am not sure of spelling and grammer ussage. Please comment and critique freely. I always appriciate the feedback I get on this website! Also, can this be the college essay for the common app prompt about the background story or a person that influenced me...?

Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

The essay was actually written to the following Yale-NUS prompt:

Please describe an interesting interaction you've had with someone different than yourself. Who was the person and what was the nature of the interaction?

Almost dead

A girl lay unconscious between two desks, completely ignored by Aleksey Michialovich, our teacher. Aleksey Michailovich continued walking around the room in his usual confident strides, knowing the students would not dare defy his direct demand. He had ordered all of us to ignore the girl and go on studying: "I will not lose any time on this. Everybody listen, we will now check your homework." Being well known for applying overly strict measures upon his students, Michialiovich was confident that we would not dare defy him because of fear of being punished for even the most minor infraction of the rules he laid out for us.

Anya, the girl who felt sick right before the all so important test but refused to see the school doctor, was completely ignored by Aleksey Michailovich. We were all students at a crucial crossroad of our education, so nobody dared to help Anya because Aleksey Michailovich had threatened to fail anybody who interrupts the class. Since my father was a doctor, I knew that leaving Anya there was a very bad idea. I found myself contemplating whether I really had a strong enough desire to defy our teacher and help Anya.

I did not want to lose the golden medal for excellent studies that I had been working on for so long but I felt a need to do something. No doubts, Aleksey Michailovich would be held responsible for whatever happens to the poor girl, but his legal responsibility doesn't take guilt of my shoulders, surely. I would never forgive myself if something happens to her due to my indifference. The situation couldn't be ignored any longer.

Getting to my feet, I walked over to her, in complete defiance of our teacher, and shook her by the shoulders. Not having any actual medical skills, this was the best that I could come up with to help her. Relief washed over me when Anya opened her eyes and hissed: "Finally!" What exactly was going on? Aleksey finally took control of the situation and explained that this was an experiment he had connived with Anya in doing. He wanted to see if the class would help a person in need and if we could do the right thing given overwhelming odds, even if it meant defying authority.

For me, it was like a blow in the stomach that saved me from suffocating in my childish world and broke its walls of belief that elders are always right. Had I come to help Anya that day and she were not a part of an experiment, my shaking her would have come too late, she could have been dead by then. Human life is more valuable than golden medal even though the life is hers and the medal mine. Learning to think with my own head was a rough experience, but the one I appreciate highly. I learned the importance of making my own decision rather than letting the others' rules define my actions. This was the vital lesson that Aleksey Michailovich has left for me. I need to stand up for what I believe in when I know it must be done. And I will.

Undergraduate / Before I could across the Civilization I was not sure which path to choose in life [5]

I really look forward to any comments and advice as always!!

This section is an opportunity for you to elaborate on the information you have provided earlier. You may discuss a special talent, a personal experience or an activity that you have been involved in that is relevant to the course you are applying for admission.

[...]
After review:

My love for Business and Economics took roots in the create-your-business "Civilization". The program allows high school students interested in economics to create their own business model and attempt to make it work. I took part in it three times in 2012, 2013 and 2014. Over the course of the year the participants meet once a week to to discuss and learn about the theory of Economics, Management and Finances, which are not, unfortunately, offered in Russia at the school level. In June, the practical part of the course is held in a hotel near Moscow. There, participants bring to life the projects they created during the year, compete on the market, unite into monopolies, bankrupt, start over again etc.

Three years ago this gave me the first taste of the way Business works and planted admiration for it. Learning to cooperate effectively, demonstrating initiative, taking risk, making on-the-spot decisions and accepting responsibility, solving challenging problems along the way inspired me to look into the rules of Economy in-depth. I was fascinated by the feeling of thrill when I was able to predict other participant's actions and the impact it was going to have on my current project. This consequently allowed to adopt my market polices accordingly and ultimately achieve my goals. The summer of 2014, was a culmination. The fight for success was ever so tense. After the previous year's many fruitless attempts, I felt proud to walk away with the highest prize for creating a uniquely sustainable business model.

Before I came across the Civilization I was not sure what path to choose in life. Studying Russian, English, Japanese, French and Spanish, among which only the last one I do not speak fluently yet, I was looking for a unique sphere. I struggled for opportunities to not only apply my knowledge for pure translation of other people's thoughts but as a tool for mutual understanding between colleges, partners and coworkers that could serve to broaden the horizon of my mind.

[b]I actually have a question for you. Could I post in this topic another essay I really need comments for because I don't feel like starting a new thread: it becomes acceedingly difficult to navigate through them. Plus, it would be nice not to draw too much attention to it.

Undergraduate / "Poem reading competition" - 150 words about meaningful activity [5]

This is a short 150 words essay

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences that were particularly meaningful to you.

I frequently participate in events promoting peace, equality and human rights. Through reading poems in public, I find it in my power to turn people's attention by the means of peaceful protest to quintessential social or political issues. So many faces hear me and my words have different influence on each. Still I desperately need more - my fresh air, my inspiration, my joy. Getting ready for performing a poem, I experience variety of emotions from fear to pride, from agony when a right intonation is so hard to find to a sense of absolute confidence when I finish the prep-work. As a result, I obtain a universal skill of expressing myself logically and persuasively. Reading poems is doubtlessly my way to tell the world how exactly I feel about a problem. It's also rewarding to read poems in orphanages as I believe it helps children to grow emotionally and develop sense of social justice. A poem can do anything to human's heart if delivered appropriately.