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Posts by sampunk9494
Joined: Dec 14, 2014
Last Post: Jan 6, 2015
Threads: 7
Posts: 26  
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From: Singapore

Displayed posts: 33
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sampunk9494   
Jan 6, 2015
Undergraduate / Why Colgate - academic programs and diverse community [8]

Thank you vangiespen for the motivation! Please take a look at my revised draft:

As an aspiring economist hoping to specialize in research on international trade, I am drawn by the unique courses on offer by Colgate's economics program as they provide an insight to global and modern topics that are most relevant to economists today, such as the study of The Japanese Economy and... These niche courses will provide me a competitive edge in the workplace as I will be well-versed on the current state of the economy, in addition to having picked up the quantitative skills needed for economics research. I am also enthused by the London Economics Study Group program available to Economics majors as this can an opportunity to immerse myself in and experience economic forces in another global financial hub, other than New York. A guaranteed internship in London would also help me gain valuable international working experience which will benefit me in my future endeavor.

I would like to continue exploring my passion in volunteering in university, and I am excited to see that there is a robust spirit of volunteerism in Colgate, with a dedicated center for volunteerism in COVE. By drawing on my experience as a tutor, I am keen on tutoring disadvantaged students in the Hamilton community. With COVE's generous support and grants, I am also eager to spearhead the expansion of the tutoring programs to more schools, making a positive impact on lives in Hamilton and beyond.

Among Colgate's diverse and tight-knit student community, I will be able to comfortably engage in an environment where different perspectives are shared and valued. This will cultivate in me the skills to learn with an open mind and develop personal maturity during my four years in Colgate.
sampunk9494   
Jan 5, 2015
Undergraduate / Why Colgate - academic programs and diverse community [8]

As always, would appreciate vangiespens' and others' feedback!

In 150-200 words, please tell us what inspired you to apply for admission to Colgate University?

As a likely economics major, I am drawn by the unique courses on offer by Colgate's economics program as they provide an insight to global and modern topics that are of the utmost concern to economists today, such as the study of The Japanese Economy. I am also enthused by the London Economics Study Group program available to Economics majors as this can an opportunity to immerse myself and experience economic forces in another global financial hub, other than New York.

[...]
sampunk9494   
Jan 5, 2015
Undergraduate / I had been presented with the opportunity to go on a church camping trip. UGA essay [5]

Feedback:

This story has potential if it is more developed descriptively.

For eg.

As the trip began to approach, I regretted my decision.

Maybe you could include in what thoughts are going through your mind when you regret this decision. Like "I will never able to bond with these church members I hardly know!" or "No one will talk to me during the journey! It's a waste of time!"

Then go on to make a contrast with the actual outcome, how you made new friendships and felt fulfilled from making the trip. The story will be more lively then.

Hope this helps!
sampunk9494   
Jan 5, 2015
Undergraduate / uPenn essay: just the other day... [10]

Feedback:

Very interesting narrative regarding your interests in the first part, although you may have to shorten it to allow more room for discussions about Penn's programs.

"An Ivy League education is something only an intellectual few earn the opportunity to experience, something a majority of students can only dream about." I think you shouldn't include this as it is superfluous. Just jump straight in talking about Penn's programs.

You're wasting too many words just vaguely talking about UPenn. I think what the prompt expects of you (and what the focus of your essay should be) is to list down the SPECIFIC academic programs you're interested in and explain how you will make use of it with respect to your experience and interest. You mentioned one program in the last paragraph; it would be good if you could further elaborate on it.
sampunk9494   
Dec 26, 2014
Undergraduate / You are not here fundamentally for the purpose of completing degree requirements - Why Penn College? [17]

Thanks for the feedback.

Yes, you can keep the reference to wanting to work in high government positions as this addresses the goals requirement of the essay prompt. You will need to develop the idea as to how it connects to your current field of study though. Specifically how Penn college fits into the achievement.

Actually, this is what I wrote in the introduction. That is why I am reluctant to delete the whole of my introduction. The idea in the introduction is that the College's mission is to provide an education for its students to benefit society, as I will use the knowledge to research better policy for society, so it makes perfect sense that I pursue an education in Penn College. Is this idea not apparent enough?
sampunk9494   
Dec 26, 2014
Undergraduate / You are not here fundamentally for the purpose of completing degree requirements - Why Penn College? [17]

My aspiration is to be an Economic Adviser to the Government of Singapore, and as I gain more experience, hopefully contribute to the World Bank as a research economist specializing in economic policies.

Thanks for the feedback. What do you think if I keep this part of the introduction? My aspiration is partly my reason for continuing education as stated in the later paragraphs.

Also, with reference to your first feedback, do you think I have elaborated the connection well enough between my future career and the College's programme?

Finally, can you suggest further sentence structure corrections help spot any grammar and spelling errors in case I missed them.

Happy holidays!
sampunk9494   
Dec 22, 2014
Undergraduate / You are not here fundamentally for the purpose of completing degree requirements - Why Penn College? [17]

I am also drawn by the College's emphasis and support for undergraduates to engage in research during their four-years in Penn, with a dedicated office for that purpose in Center for Undergraduate Research and Fellowships (CURF).
---> I am also drawn to the College's emphasis on and support for undergraduate research. (I don't think the last bit is necessary)

I added the Center because I thought I could be more specific about how the college facilitates undergraduate research.

there is a robust spirit of volunteerism

Does "robust spirit of volunteerism" not work?

Again, thanks for helping me change the sentence structure and I would love to hear vangiespen's feedback on this essay.
sampunk9494   
Dec 21, 2014
Undergraduate / Why Yale - Unique student initiatives/ Yale short questions [7]

1.) What in particular about Yale has influenced your decision to apply? (100 words max.)

Besides being an institution with vast academic resources and passionate faculty, the robust spirit of volunteerism in Yale appealed to me. I would like to continue pursuing my interest in community service in college and I am drawn by the multitude of meaningful and unique student-initiated community service efforts. I am particularly interested to contribute to the Yale Hunger and Homelessness Action, as it reaches out to the impoverished directly by providing them with food and other basic necessities. This is the most symbolic act of compassion that resonates with my values and I want to surround myself with the equally compassionate participants to provide material and emotional support to the homeless.

Please respond in 250 characters (roughly 40 words) or fewer to each of the questions below:

2a.) What excites you intellectually, really?

The sophisticated functions and workings of each discrete parts of the human brain which in aggregate influence our behaviors and decisions.

2b.) Think about a disappointment you have experienced. What was your response?

Reflect on what caused the disappointment, keep the lesson in mind, and move on.

2c.) Suite-style living - four to six students sharing a set of rooms - may be an integral part of your Yale College experience. What would you contribute to the dynamic of your suite?

I would probably be the clown of our suite. I would also be the cleanliness "advocate" of the suite, but my roommates would ignore me when I nag them to tidy up the room.

2d.) What do you wish you were better at being or doing?

I wish I can be more poised in the face of tough situations.
sampunk9494   
Dec 21, 2014
Undergraduate / An odd group of friends- Brown University Supplement Essay [8]

Hi leiya

This is a very enjoyable essay and I really admire your writing style. I think you answered the prompt perfectly, and linking it to how you will bring the attitude developed to Brown at the end is a nice touch.

We learn from each other one another,

As vangiespn said, the essay is ready for submission.

Hope this helps!
sampunk9494   
Dec 20, 2014
Undergraduate / You are not here fundamentally for the purpose of completing degree requirements - Why Penn College? [17]

The Admissions Committee would like to learn why you are a good fit for your undergraduate school choice (College of Arts and Sciences, School of Nursing, The Wharton School, or Penn Engineering). Please tell us about specific academic, service, and/or research opportunities at the University of Pennsylvania that resonate with your background, interests, and goals. (400-650 words)

A statement explaining the purpose of the College's curriculum reads: "... you are not here fundamentally for the purpose of completing degree requirements. If you think of your education solely in those terms, the result will be dull and unsatisfying.". As soon as I read this phrase, I knew that pursuing an undergraduate education in Penn's College of Arts and Sciences would be the right choice. At Penn, the reason for pursuing education not just to graduate with a qualification, but for a more meaningful purpose - to harness the education to benefit society - is perfectly consistent with my ideals. Coming from a less privileged background, I want to use education to empower those that like me, come from a low income background, specifically by researching economic policies that can emancipate the poor. My aspiration is to be an Economic Adviser to the Government of Singapore, and as I gain more experience, hopefully contribute to the World Bank as a research economist specializing in economic policies.

Though majoring in economics will certainly pave the road to attaining my goals, a firm foundation in other fields of academia will matter too. I am particularly drawn by the College's General Education curriculum, which allows students the flexibility to explore topics from different disciplines and more importantly witness how knowledge from various disciplines complement each other. A wise policy-maker cannot evaluate a new policy idea from a purely economic standpoint, (s)he needs to be aware of its social implications, as well as any political roadblocks that the new policy could face. Taking courses in the Society sector would help me understand the dynamics of societal behavior and motivation, while courses in the History and Traditions sector would provide me with a reference of how past decision-makers introduced policies and the challenges they faced. General Education from the College's vast catalog of courses from multiple disciplines will complement and enrich my core skills as an economist in my future endeavor.

I strongly believe that theoretical education should be complemented with practical application in order for a learner to achieve a firm grasp of a subject. I am drawn by the College's emphasis and support for undergraduates to engage in research during their four-years in Penn, with the Center for Undergraduate Research and Fellowships (CURF) and Penn Institute for Economic Research (PIER) fostering a research-friendly environment through providing generous grants and research consultation. I can undertake cutting edge research with some of the country's greatest thinkers and explore the fascinating field of political economics. This will sharpen my insight and enable me to be more well-informed and effective as a prospective future policy maker. I can also attend lectures and workshops by PIER to acquaint myself of the latest development in economics, such as the Quantitative Tools for Macroeconomic Policy Analysis.

The College's resources dedicated to supporting undergraduates through their academic career is the most robust I have seen among all institutions. Support for writing from peer and faculty specialists in the Marks Family Writing Center and public speaking seminars from CWiC will help refine my writing and public speaking skills which will greatly aid me during my undergraduate career and beyond.

Besides academic pursuits, I would like to continue pursuing my passion in community service in college and I am excited to see that there is a robust spirit of volunteerism in UPenn. I am extremely interested in using my experience as a tutor to provide tuition to the less well-off students in Philadelphia, and I will definitely be taking "Tutoring In Urban Public Elementary Schools: A Child Development Perspectives" ABCS course to satiate my curiosity about early childhood development and complement my service experience.
sampunk9494   
Dec 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Writing Task 1 - The Unemployment Rate in 2 Advanced Countries [4]

Overall, it is noticeable that both countries experienced a break of the equal level in the end of time frame.

I think you meant that Japan overtook US in the umployment rate here.

In On the contrary, in the mid-March 1993, the trend peaked at the highest level of the jobless rate around 7.0% in United States compared to Japan with only 2.5% jobless rate. However, in United States, there were was a continuous drop and fluctuation noted from the end of 1993 to the mid of 1996 and then sat at 5.0% in the beginning of March 1997, while Japan's jobless workforce rate kept growing upward steadily. Finally, the frequency of jobless workforce in United States was marked by 4.0% in March 1999 even minor falls and rises were found in the unemployment percentage all these years.

sampunk9494   
Dec 17, 2014
Undergraduate / A time when I had to tutor a teenager of different background [4]

Describe a situation where you had to work or closely associate with someone from a background very different from your own. What challenges did you face and how did you resolve them? (250-1000 words)

Hi, please proofread, comment on my essay response. I wonder if I met the require of the prompt of describing the challenge and if I was being too long-winded, especially in the fourth paragraph. Thank you!

It was an unexpected call from an unexpected person. The secretary of Singapore's most renowned interior design firm just called me, asking if I was able to tutor the director's son, Henry. Henry's full-time tutor had gone on vacation, and his parents urgently needed a replacement tutor to prepare him for the International GCSE. Somehow the secretary chanced upon my number in the classifieds and thought I was a suitable tutor to fill that role. What was different about this teaching "gig" was that the parents requested that the lessons be conducted 5 times a week, compared to 1 time a week for my other students. Of course I jumped on the opportunity without hesitation, as the remuneration was the highest since I started freelancing as a private tutor after graduating from high school.

While reflecting on how lucky I was to score such a high-paying gig, I also began to worry that there were challenges ahead of me during the tuition. Since I come from a low-income family and have hardly encountered people who come from a very privileged background, my mind pictured a spoilt, snobbish and apathetic teenager who had little interest in learning. He was going to give me a hard time by refusing to pay attention and do the assignments I set for him. Bracing myself for such a situation, I was ready to establish myself as a strict teacher from the first lesson.

On the day of the first lesson, I travelled to Henry's house - a three-story detached house. I had never stepped into a detached house before then, and when I entered, it felt like I was in another country. I thought the exterior was impressive, but the interior of the house made me think, you get to live here every day?! As I was being led into the living room by the domestic worker, I was greeted by two friendly huskies, apparently very well-fed. While waiting for Henry, I surveyed the living room, and made a conservative estimate that it alone was twice as large as my house.

After waiting for about 10 minutes, Henry came down the stairs and greeted me. He apologized for the wait, and introduced himself with such friendliness that disarmed the austere demeanor I have been meticulously putting up. During the lessons, he respected me by being very attentive as I explained concepts and clarified his misconceptions. He thanked me every time I corrected his mistakes. Since Henry is a French-American, I occasionally had difficulty deciphering what he had said due to his accent. I would ask him to kindly repeat what he had said more slowly, and he would apologize for being unclear and then patiently repeated what he said.

When the lesson ended, I felt really guilty for having a prejudiced view of Henry even before I met him, just because he comes from a more privileged background than I. He is not spoilt, snobbish and apathetic. He is extremely well-mannered, humble, and even more passionate about learning than I am. I changed my teaching method accordingly - to a more encouraging and probing approach instead of a more authoritative slant that I initially intended. As a result, I enjoyed the teaching process, and look forward to Henry's passionate curiosity every lesson. Our friendship also blossomed through our shared interest in basketball, and till this day, I still keep in contact with him and he would invite me to play basketball every other weekend. The interaction with Henry felt like a slap to my face for being so narrow-minded. Even though I was his teacher, Henry has taught me a more valuable life lesson - to never judge a person from his background.
sampunk9494   
Dec 17, 2014
Undergraduate / One glance out of the window, I saw the cornfields and palm trees speeding by - Women rights issue [2]

A very intriguing and strong story
I feel that the link between your background and aspirations is very clear - you want a quality education in order to fight for Women's Rights in your country.

With regard to the word count, I think you can further shorten the portion where you talk about what happened between your mom and dad as it is a bit lengthy.

Hope this helps!
sampunk9494   
Dec 16, 2014
Undergraduate / Contributing to Macalester community, personally and academically [5]

Macalester is a community that includes people from many different backgrounds, some who have lived around the world and others who have lived in one place their entire lives. Please write an essay about how your background, experiences or outlook might add to the Mac community, academically and personally. (250-1000 words)

I am usually the optimistic one among my friends, and I would do silly stuffs just to cheer them up if they are feeling down as I feel very uncomfortable seeing any of my friends being upset. With a secret desire to be a comedian since young, I want to help the Mac community see the bright side of life by joining Bad Comedy in Macalester. Having been through a tough childhood and battling anxiety during my adolescence, as well as serving as a para-counsellor in volunteer sessions, I can also relate to and provide counselling for my future peers in Macalester when they are going through emotional rough patches. I am eager to participate in the Active Minds at Macaelster to share my experience with other members of the group and contribute to promoting awareness of the reality of mental health issues within the Mac community so they are better able to manage it.

I would like to continue pursuing my interest in community service in college, and having worked as a tutor recently and falling in love with the job, I would like to make use of my experience to initiate a new community service project where Macalester students, faculty and staffs are invited to tutor disadvantaged children in schools near the Saint Paul area at least once a week. This will not only enrich the mind of the children, but bring together the Mac community for a helpful cause, promoting friendships and bringing a sense of fulfillment to the ones who take part, knowing they are empowering the less well-off through education.

I have always felt that in order to learn, one must always be willing to challenge academic assumptions, even if they are already an established fact. This is a lesson I learned while I was tutoring a student in Mathematics. Although I felt that I already had a complete grasp of the problem and the rudimentary equation that would lead to a valid solution, the student I was tutoring showed me that there was actually another way to approach and solve the problem, coming up with the same valid outcome. I believe that by continuing to have the same open minded yet inquisitive attitude about my classes at Macalester, I will be able to strengthen and enrich the learning environment of the institution.

As a prospective economics major, I believe there is still much more empirical research to be done, particularly in the field of macroeconomics and political economics; ones which do not oversimplify the complexity of the state of economies today. Macalester is a platform that will allow me, in collaboration with the characteristically passionate and accessible faculty, to engage in research which will push the frontier of macroeconomics knowledge, and hence better inform policy making.

In all, I am confident my background, experience and outlook will allow me to contribute to the many interesting and meaningful student activities in Macalester and also help me connect with peers who come from diverse cultures and backgrounds in the campus. The accessible faculty and huge library of academic resources makes me well-equipped to engage in research which can not only enrich Macalester's intellectual environment, but also the world's.
sampunk9494   
Dec 16, 2014
Undergraduate / Humility leads people to fulfillment in the most authentic way possible - Transition into Adulthood [7]

Feedback:

No noticeable grammar errors, it is fine.
Awesome introduction! I really enjoyed the descriptive details in the intro.

No one was expecting me to speak without the speech in my hands, not even me. I deliberately got the microphone and started speaking. Well, I guess that not everything happens as expected. It turned out that the lessons I learned with Marcel were essential and that I couldn't have done it without them.

I thought you can elaborate more on what was going through your mind here. How did you formulate the speech impromptu?

I picked these words because they changed me for better and I knew they could make others flourish too. Humility is something that leads people to fulfillment in the most authentic way possible. In the same year, I volunteered at KSpace so that I would make a difference in the lives of needy and deficient children; I would be one of their reasons to smile. Regardless of our race, religion, gender, and financial differences, acting humbly taught me to provide my best for the sake of others. My family taught me valuable lessons and demonstrated full diligence and faithfulness in me. Since then, I have acknowledged it as my reason for existing and being the one I am today. With dedication and an unstoppable willpower, I have been seeking to thrive in everything I do to make it proud. Love because the love we have for each other is what discerns us from mere fragments scattered around the universe. Since my thirteenth birthday, everything I do, everything I wish, and everyone I interact with, I love. I don't know what exactly made me grab that microphone. All I knew was that from that moment people would see me as an adult and I just figured that that was the perfect time to start acting like one.

With regard to the word limit, I think you can shorten this portion in the last paragraph. I understand it is your reflection on the event, but the focus of the prompt here is the event, in your case, you giving the speech in the synagogue. I am not suggesting deleting the portion completely, but shorten it and your essay will be perfect.

Hope this helps!
sampunk9494   
Dec 15, 2014
Undergraduate / Why Swarthmore - commitment for diversity of opinions [4]

Hi vangiespen

Thank you for your feedback. I really appreciate it. I have cut back on the repetitions and the "thesaurus displays of words". However I decided to still keep 3 paragraphs. I kept part of first paragraph as I thought it reflected a different essence from the second. See below.

I am drawn by Swarthmore's strong commitment to nurture an environment for a diversity of opinions and perspectives to thrive in the institution. Such environment will enrich me intellectually and push me to look beyond the surface of an issue and delve deeper in order to truly grasp the complex dynamics of issues facing the world.

Moreover, I believe Swarthmore's environment would be one where I truly thrive in as it allows me to explore ideas beyond textbooks. I am not one to accept assumptions, and particularly in the field of macroeconomics, I believe there is still much more empirical research to be done; ones which do not oversimplify the complexity of the state of economies today. Swarthmore is a platform that will allow me, in collaboration with characteristically passionate and civic-minded faculty and fellow Swatties, to contribute to research which will push the frontier of macroeconomics knowledge, and hence better inform policy making.

Finally, the strong social responsibility that the Swarthmore community possess strongly appeals to me. I would like to continue pursuing my passion in community service in college and I am excited to see there is a robust spirit of volunteerism in Swarthmore, with a dedicated office in the Lang Center. I am eager to contribute to and spearhead the expansion of the multitude of meaningful community service efforts in Swarthmore, such as Dare 2 Soar and Swatties for a DREAM. The positive energy that Swarthmore emanates will help me to do just that.


Again, your feedback is really valuable and I hope you will evaluate this edit.

Thank you!
sampunk9494   
Dec 15, 2014
Undergraduate / Why Swarthmore - commitment for diversity of opinions [4]

In 150 to 250 words, please write about why you are interested in applying to and attending Swarthmore.

I am drawn by Swarthmore's strong commitment to nurture an environment for a diversity of opinions and perspectives to thrive in the institution. Such environment will enrich me intellectually and provide the impetus to reconcile different aspects of a theoretical idea through thinking critically. It will also implacably push me to look beyond the surface of an issue and delve deeper in order to truly grasp the complex dynamics of issues facing the world.

[...]
sampunk9494   
Dec 15, 2014
Undergraduate / Yale - reflect on something you would like us to know about you [4]

Hi, your grammar is fine throughout the essay.

When you explained the deliberate steps you've taken after you became captain (taking surveys), and emailing officials, you demonstrated that you were really passionate about the issue and wanting to effect change to the current situation, so I am sure the adcoms will get that.

I can't think of how you could better improve the current draft as it is really comprehensive.

I was confused about the petition you mentioned in your introduction and the law you suggested being passed. Was the law passed after you met with the Korean Organ Donor Program or after your petition was successful and the government took notice?

Hope this helps!
sampunk9494   
Dec 15, 2014
Undergraduate / Briefly describe a non-academic pursuit that best illustrates who you are, and why it is important [6]

#23 Make a difference to someone's life.

It's the 23rd item on my bucket list.
Fourteen year old Sushant has big dreams, he wants to grow up to be a football player and part time business tycoon. I know this because I've been teaching him English for the past few months.

It seems like a fairly simple thing to do except he's dyslexic and English isn't his first language. When we first met he told me he liked to read and wanted to learn everything from history and geography to the English language. So I made him a promise; I promised him I'd teach him to read and write, I promised to introduce him to a whole new world of fantasy and fiction, one that made me believe my dreams could come true, one that would do the same for him.

Over the past few months I've pulled him out from under a table, listened to him talk about his dreams, raced him all over the world by running our fingers over a map and evidently I've been teaching him English. (I thought this phrase was a bit awkward because you already mentioned you're teaching Sushant English in the 1st paragraph. Or you could write "Over the past... running our fingers over a map during our English lessons )

This so-called "non-academic pursuit" of mine is somewhat like my pursuit of happiness. I look forward to the few hours a week I get to spend with him because they give me hope. They remind me of pure innocence and genuineness in a pitiless and pretentious world.

I was determined to make a difference to his life but what I didn't anticipate is the difference he would make to mine.

Feedback:
Your essay is very coherent and I enjoyed reading it. I get a sense that you're a very compassion person as you're describing this non-academic pursuit of yours. To make this impression stronger through your essay you could elaborate on your conclusion. "...because they give me hope" How does the teaching give you hope? Where does the hope come from? Is it because of the fulfillment you feel when imparted the boy valuable knowledge that you know he will use in the future to change the world?

Hope this helps!
sampunk9494   
Dec 14, 2014
Undergraduate / Collaborative Residential Community - how it inspires and draws me to Bates [5]

Hi vangiespen

Thank you very much for your suggestion. I appreciate it. Could you review my second draft based on your input?

"Collaborative residential community"
At Bates, first-year students will live with an upper-class student. As a foreign student, I naturally have concerns of adapting to a new culture and environment, but having an experienced student as a roommate would greatly quell my anxiety as I have a reliable mentor who can guide me along in the college in my early days as a Bates student. I can see that Bates is extremely committed to providing a great deal of support and resources for new students to assimilate into the college and this has what drawn me to the college. In addition, I am inspired by the close-knit relationships the students of Bates enjoy, and it creates a yearning in me to meet and integrate into this friendly community of motivated and inquisitive people.

By living together and interacting with peers and mentors of diverse backgrounds and cultures in Bates, I will be exposed to and learn from various perspectives, requiring me to think about and contribute to academic discussions with a more critical mind. Bates will undoubtedly stretch my intellectual potential and mold my worldview in my four years there, and allow me to form friendships with amazing people which will be a source of personal growth and support. I very much look forward to attending this fine institution.
sampunk9494   
Dec 14, 2014
Undergraduate / Mayo anecdote explaining a challenging situation [5]

She barely stood at 5 feet tall and was round, with hair as white as snow. However, every day spent under her care co me lunchtime, the most dreadful part of the day,
When outside of my home and away from the customs my mother implemented experienced, I came in contact with an unknown world of strange customs and an unknown language. Adapting to a new culture took tremendous courage and I feel fortunate to be in a melting pot of cultures and to be able to experience the best of both worlds.

Hi miraheta

I thought you addressed the prompt adequately using the mayo sandwich metaphor. However I felt that there was an abrupt conclusion/reflection of how it shaped who you are today after you talked about the mayo incident.

You could shorten the part about the description of the nanny, and I thought starting the essay with mayo would be a great hook. For example, you could start your essay with "No! No! No!" (in reply to all the ingredients your nanny offered).

I guess you need to explain better the link between mayo incident and the difficulty of adapting to a new culture. It could be that you're always adding mayo only and afraid to try other ingredients, you too were afraid to assimilate into the new culture because you were so used to your previous ones. Of course at the end you need to show the readers you were able to reconcile that.

I hope this helps!
sampunk9494   
Dec 14, 2014
Undergraduate / Collaborative Residential Community - how it inspires and draws me to Bates [5]

Prompt:

In addition to the Common Application essay, please select one phrase from the Bates mission statement below and comment on how it inspires you and draws you to Bates. Please upload your 1-2 paragraph response below.

Since 1855, Bates College has been dedicated to the emancipating potential of the liberal arts. Bates educates the whole person through creative and rigorous scholarship in a collaborative residential community. With ardor and devotion - Amore ac Studio - we engage the transformative power of our differences, cultivating intellectual discovery and informed civic action. Preparing leaders sustained by a love of learning and a commitment to responsible stewardship of the wider world, Bates is a college for coming times.

"Collaborative residential community"

At Bates, first-year students will live with an upper-class student. As a foreign student, I naturally have concerns of adapting to a new culture and environment, but having an experienced student as a roommate would greatly quell my anxiety as I have a reliable mentor who can guide me along in the college in my early days as a Bates student. I can see that Bates is extremely committed to providing a great deal of support and resources for new students to assimilate into the college and this has drawn me to the college.

By living together and interacting with peers of diverse backgrounds and cultures, I will also be exposed to and learn from various perspectives, requiring me to think about a topic critically and stretching my intellectual potential. I am inspired by the close-knit relationships the students of Bates enjoy, and I am excited to meet and contribute to such an interesting community of inquisitive people.
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