Posts by esslayer [Suspended]

esslayer

Jan 6, 2015

Undergraduate / I come from a community where work isn't referred to as a career, but a job. [6]

Try to join a few of the sentences by just using "where" and eliminating "I come from a community". This will improve the flow of the passage.

esslayer

Dec 29, 2014

Undergraduate / 'Nano-revolution' - The possibilities that this holds for the future are endless..... [2]

OK so I wrote this essay and it is currently at 107 words and I can't decide how to trim the fat. Any help would be much appreciated and does anybody know whether MIT would allow 107 words when 100 are required? I heard they were lenient in this department.

Although you may not yet know what you want to major in, which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why? (*) (100 words or fewer)

I have a dream, a dream to contribute towards a positive change that has global impact and implications. And what best way to fulfil this dream than to be a part of the 'Nano-revolution' that is on the horizon. What fascinates me most is the concept of nano-factories, capable of producing complex products by assembling trillions of atoms together. The possibilities that this holds for the future are endless. With its Microsystems Technology Laboratories and Pappalardo Nanomanufacturing Facility, MIT is the best place for me to explore my dreams and I hope to do this by pursuing course 2-A (Mechanical Engineering) with a concentration in nano-assembly technologies.

esslayer

Dec 29, 2014

Undergraduate / "Where do you like it better?" I can never be able to answer this question - Moving from US to India [3]

but a mental war was going on in my head ~~over it~~ .
~~I struggled to name any one of them~~I just couldn't decide what to say .
This time I really didn't know what to say ~~to that.~~because I ~~can~~could never possibly explain my love for both my countries

I remember the time when we moved to India
I did know how to speak Punjabi but itI didn't know how to write it properly
But still I had problems making new friends ~~I tried to be friends with the students in my class but everyone already had their friends and not many wanted to let the new girl be their friend~~since no one wanted to befriend the 'new' girl.

I became friends with a girl who was somewhat like me~~no one else wanted to be friends with~~since she didn't have any friends either

" Soon, I realized that sometimes there is more to a person than it seems, and so did the other students Before you know it, I was friends with everyone" HOW??

has brought me closer to my roots, exposed me to a new world and ~~gave~~given me the confidence
Being both American and Indian has made me ~~have a very open-mind about things~~very open minded
certainly proud ~~to be~~of belonging
Maybe, this is why ~~I can never be able to answer her question~~could not answer my friend's question...

Ok I have tried to correct all the grammatical and sentence structure mistakes but the thing is you moved from America when you were about 5 so I get this feeling from the essay that you are trying to force the 'American influence'.

esslayer

Dec 29, 2014

Undergraduate / My outgoing, extroverted self grew furiously as I sought to meet new friends in my neighborhood [2]

The essay is well written overall but I think that although you answered the part "What can NYU offer you?". You have missed out the "what can you offer NYU?" part.

Writing just this sentence "In return, I can present my perspectives based on my unique culture and customs." might not be enough. Try to expand on this part.

esslayer

Dec 26, 2014

Undergraduate / ...lost in the world of digits, stumbling through the intricacies of numerical manipulation.... [3]

Thank you very much.

esslayer

Dec 25, 2014

Undergraduate / ...lost in the world of digits, stumbling through the intricacies of numerical manipulation.... [3]

Any advice and/or correction would be much appreciated.

What attribute of your personality are you most proud of, and how has it impacted your life so far? This could be your creativity, effective leadership, sense of humour, integrity, or anything else you'd like to tell us about. (*) (200-250 words)

I was lost in the world of digits, stumbling through the intricacies of numerical manipulation when a shrill ringing broke my trance. "I need your help", the text message read. It was the night before our mathematics O-Level examination but I put aside my books and called my friend over. We studied late into the night but I did not care as long as I could help my friend succeed. The exam went great and when the results were announced, my happiness over my grades turned into elation when I found my friend also celebrating his result.

This compassion and selflessness is my most treasured personal trait. I am driven by a passion for helping others and a desire to bring out the best in them. I have recently taken up motivational speaking. I usually speak to small groups of junior class students. I encourage them to set their aims high and to strive for excellence. I managed to persuade a few of them to take the SATs and now many are following suit (I was first person in school to take SAT I).

The respect that I have earned from my peers and juniors has propelled me into leadership positions at my school. I am currently the Head Boy and also the House captain.

I feel a sense of achievement when I am successful in explaining any difficult topic to someone. I know that my hard work has been all worth it whenever I see the gratitude in my friends' eyes.

esslayer

Dec 25, 2014

Undergraduate / The folder without baby pictures of me that I have never seen before -with a Certificate of Adoption [6]

"We aren't your real parents David, we adopted you". I can (could) feel the blood rushing away from my brain, my body becoming numb as she said it.

This sentence is too long consider breaking it down :"She held me in her arms until I settled down and then began telling me everything about my adoption-reasons as to why I was adopted, my birth mother and father, and my stay in the orphanage for the first year and a half of my life-and how she was never able to have kids of her own."

esslayer

Dec 25, 2014

Undergraduate / As I relax, the chair becomes my vehicle - The library; an ideal space in an imperfect world [3]

I feel a heavy burden as my work and responsibility drive me out from this wondrous world. When I arrive into the real world I see that there is no one in the teen section except me. I see that this space is much like my perfect world. An ideal space in an imperfect world. The library, specifically this section was all surrounded by book shelves. This space is in some ways better than my perfect world because it not only is peaceful, but also real. In addition, in this space with peace comes knowledge. I flip open one or two non fiction books, and read for a couple of minutes. This moment much like my relaxation is short lived. I stopped reading, got up from my seat and headed to the computers to start work.

You were writing in present tense but here you switched to past tense. I think this is not right.

esslayer

Dec 24, 2014

Undergraduate / ... imbued me with a drive to get out into the world to broaden my horizons and meet new people... [4]

I am grateful for your help. The thing is, the world limit is too short how can I write anything about these: "Rather, show us how you learned that you should face life challenges with a smile from your father. Then show us how your mother taught you about the importance of balancing things in your life"

esslayer

Dec 23, 2014

Undergraduate / ... imbued me with a drive to get out into the world to broaden my horizons and meet new people... [4]

Please check for grammar or any other technical mistakes and please suggest any improvements if any, thank you :)
Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. how has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?(*) (200-250 words)

I have practically lived my whole life in the Fauji Fertilizer Company Township which is a small industrial community on the outskirts of a small city. Although growing up in a remote gated community has sheltered me from the rigors of city life, it has imbued me with a drive to get out into the world to broaden my horizons and meet new people.

My family means the world to me and I live every day to make my parents proud. My father has been an inspiring personality in my life. In 2001 he underwent kidney transplant surgery. From my father I have learnt that whenever life throws you a curve ball, face it with a smile on your face. My mother has taught me the importance of finding balance between school, friends and family.

My school is renowned for delivering academic excellence. All the teachers are very kind and supportive and the great thing is, all of them live in the locality, so you can visit them easily anytime you need help. What my school lacks in though is providing its students with the platforms to showcase their talents on national and international levels. Unfortunately that is why we haven't had any opportunity to participate in international Olympiads or any such competitions.

The world I come from has taught me to be hard working, perseverant and to always strive for excellence. It has made me realize that I alone am the master of my fate.