Undergraduate / Princeton Supplement: Liberation from the Social Machine [8]

Oh I deleted it because I wanted to write a whole entire new one :)
When I post it up later, can you take a look at it?

And no problem!

Undergraduate / "I don't feel you're well suited for the role of the King"; essay about a time I experienced failure [3]

This is a really really good essay already. It's comical, lighthearted, yet it's a lot more interesting than one would expect from an essay about a beard.

Just a few minor suggestions:

Your last paragraph is probably the most important. You show us how you matured, how your character developed, and your mindset changed. Focus on that. Elaborate more on what you learned from this failure. As I was reading your essay, I found myself asking this question a lot : "Where in the world did he think that he needed a beard to ensure his spot in the play?" You answer this with your sentence "Developing A character is more than just having the looks; rather, it takes a lot of effort and patience in fully developing a character, something I had completely forgotten." But it was only one sentence.

Try shifting your focus on your failure to what you learned from it.

Once you do so, I believe you'll have a really solid essay. Good work!

Undergraduate / Princeton Supplement: Liberation from the Social Machine [8]

Okay, I understand it a lot better!... or I could be getting it all wrong.
So, you helped your friend battle through her depression by acting as her sanctuary, right? You provided her love, laughter, and meaning to the world, by blocking out society's poisonous expectations and selfish desires.

That is what you should be focusing on. You need to focus on you! :) The vivid descriptions about your friend's pain would be awesome if you were writing a novel, but the prompt is asking about how you were affected and how your perspective on the world changed. Cut down on your friend's experiences, and write more about yours. In the end, the adcom doesn't care about your friend. They care about you and what you have to offer to them.

You mention artistic passions, but then you never delve into them.

I love how you incorporated musical terms within this essay. It's very powerful and works very effectively.
But now, alas, I've got to point out a few sentences whose choices of words could be improved.

And, in that moment of catharsis, of apotheosis,
these aspirations burgeoned, untainted by avarice.
The meaningless social machine - the basin that implanted Machivallian creed, the darkness that disseminated sin Okay so I like the first point, because that makes sense with what you're trying to convey, but I think you can delete "the darkness that disseminated sin". It's effective without this portion.

Keep working on this!!

Undergraduate / Princeton Supplement: Liberation from the Social Machine [8]

Great beginning!
I do have a few minor suggestions however.

The first few sentences are very eye-catching, but your use of high vocabulary words seems to come off as..excessive. While it's great to have a few of those scattered about to show off your knowledge, the adcom doesn't like their applicants to sound like a walking thesaurus. I suggest switching out some of these words like "inundating" and "invectives" for more simpler terms.

Like compliments, the epithets came I don't think epithet is the right term here. Even if you kept it in, it's still a little confusing and doesn't provoke strong imagery

Okay, to be honest, after skimming the next few lines, I stopped reading. I don't mean to come off as too harsh, but your choice of words, like ben_mayo said, makes it a lot more difficult to read, even for an adcom with sophisticated education. From your stylistic techniques, I can tell you're a very good writer. You don't need those fancy words to prove it anymore. Maybe try toning down your vocabulary and use more colloquial terms. While you do want to come off as "Smart", you also want to make sure your essay flows well and is easy to read.:)

So first, try cutting out those really excessive terms to make your essay a lot more easily readable.
Post your second draft, and I can review that again if you want.

Undergraduate / Books for pleasure / Eragon's impact - CMU [14]

If you like it, send that baby in!

Undergraduate / I am an anarchist. No-a rebel. Chemical Engineering... at YALE? [7]

Haha hmm, I think someone's hinting at something.. :]
but of course! I'd be glad to read your Cornell essay.

Undergraduate / Books for pleasure / Eragon's impact - CMU [14]

You know what, if it had a great impact on you, then you should definitely keep it!

However, the way you structured it is awkward, and doesn't convey a lot of meaning to a regular reader. They might go, "What? Waking out? A shell? Is he hibernating?" And if you mean, "Poke my head out of my shell", then we'll have to stay away from that because it's cliche. But the whole "confident in my decisions" and "stand strong in my beliefs" already shows that you're coming out of your shell, don't ya think?

Soooo... That said, let's try it like this:

The more I read about Eragon in the Inheritance Cycle, the more I began to think like the protagonist ; his selfless sacrifices, incredible compassion, and a gradual maturity in character inspired me to be confident in my decisions, strengthen precious familial ties, and to stand strong in my beliefs, which were all things I struggled with before.

Yikes, I don't know how I even feel about this. I think I'm completely pooped out. What I was trying to do was to replace "As a teen, I can relate with the..." because you can essentially take that out and substitute in a sentence portion that goes into more detail.

You try!

Undergraduate / It is said that when he was born, he watched the world burn. Epic Short Story- Notre Dame [7]

Whoops haha both of you guys are right. My bad, gotta change that.

Well, thanks for both of your feedback! Really appreciate it :)

Undergraduate / Books for pleasure / Eragon's impact - CMU [14]

Yes! Now we just got to give it a few tweaks.

"whose rise from an unknown village to becoming a valiant Dragon Rider, sacrifices, compassion towards comrades, and growing maturity throughout the series instilled confidence in me to take decisions, urged me to strengthen my bonds with friends and family," The key to a smoothly written sentence is parallelism, seeing as you have a list of phrases. Take out the "rise from an unknown..." part because I don't think it has any weight to what you are saying, and it helps shorten things.

so, for example: "...the Inheritance Cycle: his selfless sacrifices, incredible compassion, and mature character development inspire me to make difficult decisions, to strengthen the precious bond between family members, and to stand strong in my beliefs, regardless if they conflict with others."

What do you think? You can always change the specific wording I chose.

Undergraduate / It is said that when he was born, he watched the world burn. Epic Short Story- Notre Dame [7]

Haha yes, I'm supposed to hook you in with the first 150 words.
My apologies for not writing out the prompt: A good story starts with a good beginning. Get us hooked in the first 150 words.

Thanks for your feedback! :)

Undergraduate / Poop: It's only four letters, yet when combined together, provoke disgusted faces and nose-wrinkling [15]

AHHH thank you thank you thank you for your all your help.

And haha, 25% of girls in India drop out of school because there is a lack of clean sanitation, so when they hit that time of month ahem, it just gets to be unbearable.

I think, after I incorporate what you just told me, that this will be my final draft. I'm so excited haha.
Good luck to you!!

Undergraduate / Books for pleasure / Eragon's impact - CMU [14]

woooah. this sentence kinda just exploded.
Not that it's your fault.
You're only given a sentence, and the maximum limit is 500 words (not that you should even go near this limit), so obviously it's going to be difficult.

That being said, I think you should just relax and not over think it:) it's just a sentence. You don't need to cram in every little personal character development or lesson that you learned from this book.

Try to cut down one or two of such descriptions; that way, your sentence is easier to read, and appears less convoluted. Try again.

Undergraduate / Books for pleasure / Eragon's impact - CMU [14]

Hmm... well then, I'll just go with the sentence.

The protagonist of the Inheritance Cycle, Eragon, closely relates to my life as a teenager, albeit in a magical world; his compassion for his comrades, the sacrifices he makes, and his fight for justice inspires me to be compassionate and just, and his growing maturity, especially towards the end of the series serves to provide valuable lessons to life.

Here are my suggestions:
"As a teenager, I can closely relate to Eragon, the protagonist in the book The Inheritance Cycle, without all the magic. Eragon's compassion for his comrades, the sacrifices that he makes, and his continual fight for justice inspire me to ..." Besides just reiterating what you just said, find some other description, besides "compassionate and just" ..maybe your outlook on life has changed, or the way you interact with strangers.

Tacking on the "and his growing maturity..." part at the end doesn't do justice to the smoothness of your sentence, so if you want to keep that, I would suggest incorporating that as a life lesson to the description I talked about right before this ^^ (with the compassionate just part)

Keep going!

Undergraduate / Books for pleasure / Eragon's impact - CMU [14]

Before I begin giving advice, I've seen other responses to this essay, and apparently they're writing a paragraph (no more than 200 words) rather than just a sentence.

Are you certain that we can only write one sentence (I'm writing the same prompt also) ?

Undergraduate / USC1: Cross Country was painful. [4]

This is really, really good.

Few grammatical mistakes:
"I remind myself of all my running; that fear cannot stop me from at least running that three mile race every Thursday afternoon"... since you put a semi-colon, take out "that".

Consider deleting "This ran through my mind everyday" (ahh, intentional pun?) and just put "I constantly remind myself that all my running has been for something; fear is enough to stop me from running that three mile race every Thursday afternoon."


Quipping in Coach Mack here is a bit awkward. Ii know you're trying to bring back the "mind over matter" thing, but this part is a bit redundant. Consider revising.

Overall, I like your rendition of the athletic/sports essay, because most people would write about how they lost in a huge race, but realized that winning isn't all that important, and blahblah (highly overdone. I'm glad you didn't do this).

Undergraduate / Poop: It's only four letters, yet when combined together, provoke disgusted faces and nose-wrinkling [15]

@EmelyMorales Hmm, I think you're right on the condescending part. I took out "Americans" after "privileged citizens".
Hahaha, well thanks! Your essays are quite fun to read too :)

Here's my latest draft.
***************************************************************

#1: What contemporary issue or trend relating to politics, culture, and society, or foreign policy particularly concerns you, and why?

After eating a particularly fulfilling lunch, I felt my insides twist, and I groaned. That was my cue. I shot up from my couch and headed to the bathroom, where I proceeded to do what I've done for most of my life: use the toilet, flush it, then forget it ever happened.

But while I was washing my hands, I found myself staring at this miraculous invention and wondered, What would life be like if I didn't have a toilet? Where would all this poop go? I shudder now even as I think about it.

My curiosity piqued, I began my research, starting with poop. A four-letter word. No one wants to look at it. No one wants to talk about it. This is precisely how it has escalated into a global health issue.

One would think that in this sanitized age, everyone would understand the consequences of an inadequate sanitation and a contaminated water supply. Yet living in America, where we are privileged with advanced technology, we forget that 2.5 billion others have no toilets and are forced to dump their waste out in the open. Besides the obvious unappealing qualities of open defecation, there is another problem: fifty communicable diseases, such as cholera and meningitis, are known to travel in human poop. The most common symptom of these diseases is diarrhea.

My concern is that among privileged citizens, diarrhea, the second largest children killer in the world, is treated as a joke. There are rhymes, songs, and comedic acts dedicated to this particular symptom, yet it's responsible for 1.5 million deaths around the world every year. Every day, 4,000 children lose their lives to these diseases, diseases that can been prevented if only there is a sufficient supply of toilets.

My concern is that we aren't doing anything to reverse the consequences. We ignore the statistics; if there was adequate sanitation in India, 25% of girls would not drop out of school. We keep the toilet locked out of our conversations; my childhood friend, who moved to Japan, eagerly informs me of her advanced toilet upgrades as if she's discussing the latest celebrity gossip.

My concern is that we don't recognize this problem as the shameful imperative issue it really is. Poop is dirty, but what's even dirtier is that we are willing to ignore the suffering of millions of people. But maybe that's just me

Undergraduate / I am an anarchist. No-a rebel. Chemical Engineering... at YALE? [7]

So close to being done!


hmm, a bit awkward. Try, "There were no teachers to order us around."

"Now, I see before my eyes more and more students launch their own projects and begin their own activities with their own motives" --> "Now I see before my eyes more and more students launching their own projects and beginning their own activities..."

And one last thing. You write "In the Solar project, that responsibility fell to me. But it all paid off." (** should be 'that responsibility fell on me') ...did the responsibility pay off? This part is confusing because I think you're talking about two different things here. Consider changing it to, "In this particular project, the responsibility fell on me. But I inevitably managed to regain control..."

Unless I missed something, I saw no other grammatical errors or portions of the essay that really needed revising.
Once again, you did a great job with this essay!

Undergraduate / Why Chapman? Because Leia likes it. [7]

Haha, I like this approach! I'm always open to unique formats because that's what I did with my common app essay.

Anywhoo,


Originally, I wanted to revise the first sentence, but then I wondered if you could just take out the first sentence and start with ""I repeated the phrase"... because even if you do revist the 1st sentence, there is little to no transition between those two sentences, making the essay abrupt.

Your newest addition certainly helped; I can see just how passionate you are for this particular program.

Overall, nice job! Funny, yet completely responds to the prompt.

Undergraduate / I've never actually stepped onto the Notre Dame campus and experienced the aura personally [13]

LOL you understand me exactly.
Yep, it's going to be hard...but some words have just got to go.

Thanks!

Undergraduate / I've never actually stepped onto the Notre Dame campus and experienced the aura personally [13]

Thank you for saying that!

Yeah, I do want to add some parts of how I can contribute to ND, but ugh, the word limit.
Thanks for the help!
And haha, okay I'll look at it right now :)

Undergraduate / I've never actually stepped onto the Notre Dame campus and experienced the aura personally [13]

Okay, great!
And ahh, true true. That is pretty awkward.

Thanks for the tips!:)

Undergraduate / being flat-footed, easily distracted, community... SUPER SHORT short responses to Yale supplement [3]

1)Just wondering, is there a particular reason why you keep mentioning alumni? Are the alumni the ones responsible for prompting your decision to apply here, or is it the "communal care" and "responsiveness" ? Anywhoo,

"from being offered tours around the facilities by professors to receiving immediate responses to emails and questions, Yale alumni have reiterated many times that Yale is one of few universities"

--> 1) Change to something like "From the tours led by professors around the facilities to the efficient responsiveness to emails and questions, this university proves the Yale alumni' words..." ya know what I mean.

2)Love this response!
"Satisfying my curiosity makes me almost feel like my brain is expanding as I increase my knowledge."--> hmm, try something more descriptive... "By satisfying my curiosity, I can almost feel like my brain is expanding, as I simultaneously stuff more knowledge into it. It's absolutely thrilling." EDIT: Okay reading this over, the last part makes me kinda want to throw up in the mouth, so fyi, this was just a suggestion description lol.

2b) For this type of prompt, Think about a disappointment you have experienced. What was your response?, you answered really well. You told us a problem, showed you were interested in solving it, and showed us how you solved it.

2c) This was pretty cute. But change
"International living experience." to ...I actually don't know what you're trying to say haha. But that phrase does seem awkward.

2d) Ahh, this prompt is tricky. Although it asks you to put down yourself, you never truly want to put down yourself. Yeah, I know. You want to present yourself in the best light possible.

"I wish I was more focused on my academics as a kid" bruhhh. You want the adcom to KNOW that you were the most dedicated student out there, who lived, breathed, and ate their studies.... even if it may not be the truth :)

It's funny, but I recommend that you try and find something else.

Undergraduate / I've never actually stepped onto the Notre Dame campus and experienced the aura personally [13]

Haha of course:)

Also, I just edited my previous response to this thread. Can you take a look again at the verb tenses in this essay? Thanks!

Undergraduate / I've never actually stepped onto the Notre Dame campus and experienced the aura personally [13]

Thanks (again) for your help!!
I don't want to bore any one else with this essay so I won't post the final draft, but I'll certainly revise my essay given your suggestions

:)

One question though: are my verb usages correct?
I'm terrible with verb tenses, and I feel that because I switched from past tense "I initially doubted..." to "I remember", it just flows awkwardly.

Just me?

Undergraduate / How can my problem solving nature contribute to Rice? Rice University Personal Perspective Prompt [5]

The whole assembling description portion is pretty creative!

While I admit that it's a gamble (adcom might just skip over that part; who knows, they're reading thousands of essays), it could definitely work if you clearly tie in the prompt. But, as far as I can tell from your essay, I feel like you haven't. The prompt is asking you how your interest in building things and solving problems will contribute to Rice. I suggest cutting short some of the description and adding in how this desire to build things plays a role in your interest in your particular major (I'm guessing, engineering? lol), and how only at Rice can help you develop your dream.

In the end, however, I really think you should cut back on your description of putting together the parts. First do that, then post the new draft, and I'll take another look at it:). Because I feel until you do that, I can't really help you that much.

And don't worry, I'll be up. Still got 2 more essays to write -_-

Undergraduate / I've never actually stepped onto the Notre Dame campus and experienced the aura personally [13]

Great, thanks a lot for your help! Yeah, I admit that I kinda just threw in that last part hehe.

And sure! On my way to your post right now.

Undergraduate / Poop: It's only four letters, yet when combined together, provoke disgusted faces and nose-wrinkling [15]

AGHH THAT DREADED SPACE.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
lol.

I totally agree with your tweaks, but especially about the concluding paragraph thing. I'll be sure to change that before I submit it in! (the deadline is almost here, yikeeees)

And of course! Your advice has been super duper helpful to me as well, and I'm glad to return the favor~

Undergraduate / I stand in firm affirmation of CMU - Prompt Why CMU [7]

Haha, wow, thank you so much for all your help!! I really appreciate it :)

I wish you good luck to you and your future endeavors!

Undergraduate / Anticipated major: Applied Economics and Management (entrepreneurship concentration) - LEGOS essay [7]

You should take out the parts about the school of business in your last paragraph (if you want to keep the last paragraph) and substitute them for more stuff about your experiences that led to your major, and like Charphil said, why cornell.

Undergraduate / Poop: It's only four letters, yet when combined together, provoke disgusted faces and nose-wrinkling [15]

Haha, thank you; I've decided not to go into all that visualization.

While I don't have any traumatic personal experiences with these diseases, I understand your point with the critical "human touch." Do you mind reviewing my latest draft? :)

Undergraduate / I stand in firm affirmation of CMU - Prompt Why CMU [7]

Thank you for your help!

Undergraduate / Why research seemingly obscure things? For science! -- Engineering at Yale [3]

"Why am I investigating this reaction?"" --> it's a bit awkward. Change to something more colloquial.


I think it'd be better if you combined these paragraphs into one...

"Interested in developing and applying theoretical concepts in our real world, I have been inspired by Dr. Fenn's story to further my interest in research..." --> The phrase is a bit awkward. Maybe change it to "After learning about Dr. Fenn, I am inspired to do the same. I want to discover, develop, apply theoretical concepts, just as Dr. Fenn did..."

"To be able to study engineering at Yale is unique in many ways" Consider revising it to "Studying to become an engineer at Yale is a unique opportunity that provides an incredible amount of resources." then go on to talk about how one such resource is the 1:1 faculty to student ratio.

I really like your last paragraph. However, I have to agree with krcheng that the "Amongst a group of fun and brilliant hoodie-wearing students" portion seems...too common. You can find a group of fun and brilliant hoodie-wearing students at any good college...Perhaps change this to a different description.

Now, about your intro. I have a sense that you want the intro to be a little comical... compared to the common language, the elaborate description of the chemical reaction is bizarre and throws the reader off balance, which is a great way to catch his or her attention. But right now, I feel there is something lacking in this paragraph. Try to describe more.

--> "It was a normal day in the chemistry lab. I was studying the effect of change in concentration of potassium iodate on the rate of reaction of the Briggs-Rauscher oscillating reaction for a research paper. I watched the clear solution in the beaker change colors, from blue to yellow, then yellow to blue. Nothing else happened. This went on for a couple of minutes; that's when I turned to my chemistry teacher and asked her, "What's the point of looking at this reaction? It's just changing colors."

That was a rather crude and rough substitution, but you get the idea.

Nice essay, overall!

Undergraduate / Poop: It's only four letters, yet when combined together, provoke disgusted faces and nose-wrinkling [15]

hahaha, you're hilarious!:)
I was trying to not make the adcom throw up in their mouths, but I do see the point of strong imagery.

Thanks a lot for your help!
And yes, I will post the next-final drafts of both this supplement and the CMU. If you could look at both, that would be great:)

And of course, I'll look at it right now~

Undergraduate / Poop: It's only four letters, yet when combined together, provoke disgusted faces and nose-wrinkling [15]

Thanks for your feedback!
Haha, yes, I meant to put "sanitized".
And you're right; it does seem to get a bit muddled in the middle.

When you read this essay, did you feel that I addressed the "why" portion of the prompt to a sufficient degree?
Or should I elaborate more?

Thanks again!:)

Undergraduate / Anticipated major: Applied Economics and Management (entrepreneurship concentration) - LEGOS essay [7]

Wow, good essay!

Consider changing


to "When I entered high school...".

Just a few eensyweensy grammatical errors because I'm picky:
My interest in applied economics and management...started ever since I was in third grade. --> "...started when I was in third grade."

" I realized that for many YouTube Lego fans, it was not the videos about Lego sets that were the most interesting, but the Lego minifigure collections. "

"Realizing that this is what made me tick" --> "..this was what made me tick"

"My burning desire" a bit cliche...you want to stay away from these types of phrases.


This portion seemed a bit redundant. Maybe delete or rephrase some of these words.

Except for at the beginning, you don't really mention your major (applied economics and management). You keep talking about the school of business, which is fine, but you need to sprinkle more of your actual specific major in the paragraphs.

Overall, I loved your obvious character development. It was really interesting to read. Good work!

Look at mine?:)

Undergraduate / 'strong engineering department, research facilities, and small size' - an ideal university [6]

This is great! It's even smoother than before, the intro is more personable, and the adcom can really get a sense of your passion.

experience is one which is not available elsewhere --> experience is one that is not available...

There is no clear transition from the 1st paragraph to the second. So may I suggest after "To me, an ideal university aligned with my interests is one with a strong engineering department, top tier research facilities, small size and variety of disciplines", put something like "This is Northwestern." or "Northwestern has all of this." (for example)

Can you look at my boston college prompt for me?:)