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Posts by zasif326
Name: Zainab Asif
Joined: Feb 28, 2015
Last Post: Mar 4, 2015
Threads: 3
Posts: 5  

From: USA
School: DVC

Displayed posts: 8
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Feb 28, 2015
Undergraduate / I see many opportunities to achieve my end goal of learning all I can. Brown Univ. [2]

This is my draft of one of Brown's writing supplements. Brown is my top college and I really hope to get in as a transfer, so I would appreciate all the help! Please also check for grammatical errors and flow.

Prompt: Describe what academic field(s) you wish to pursue at Brown, how you came upon that interest, and any post-graduation career plans you may have considered. (500 word limit)

As a woman who has just started experiencing the world, I see many opportunities to achieve my end goal of learning all I can about the world and its people, and hopefully make a difference in people's lives.

When I revisited my birthplace in Pakistan, ...
Feb 28, 2015
Undergraduate / I am not afraid of the future anymore. I fell in love instantly with graphic design; admission essay [3]

This is a very moving essay! You have quite a few grammatical errors, such as lack of commas, and verbage. Also, you have a lot of very short sentences like "I had friends, and family... I was terrified..." With many of these sentences, you can easily connect them together so they flow better. I think you should just proofread a few more times. Try to recognize some of your own small errors if you can, and then post it again.
Feb 28, 2015
Undergraduate / Reach an outstanding employment prospect to major financial institutions - liberal arts colleges [8]

Other people might not reply to my thread because after you replied with one small comment, it went from being "unanswered" to the regular pile of answered threads. Please don't respond unless you actually have something useful to offer and if it's not for your own self-interest; it hurts other students and prevents them from being recognized.

That being said, your essay is great up until the last paragraph. your conclusion is not very strong. you talk about reasons for transferring in the beginning, but at the end, you talk about how great UOC is. Throughout the essay, the only focus should be on why you want to leave and what you will do at your new university.
Feb 28, 2015
Undergraduate / South Asian cultures typically emphasize that the only career choice for students is in medicine. [4]

This is my common app personal statement for transfer. I am 42 words over and I would really like some help on cutting stuff down and organizing my essay. Also, if you know any good tips on how to improve my essay, make it more convincing, interesting, etc. please help!

Prompt: Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.

South Asian cultures typically emphasize that the only career choice for students is in medicine. While I had a strong appreciation for the sciences, I never felt close enough to become fully committed. Without a vision or passion for anything specific, I rolled through high school carelessly, which resulted in my average grades. I took AP classes hoping to improve my GPA, but without any motivation to work hard and achieve my potential, I did not perform as well as I could have.

In the winter of my senior year, I visited my childhood home after 12 years in Sukkur, Pakistan. It appeared nearly the same as when I left, lacking proper health care, gender equality, and environmental sustainability. During my trip, I witnessed the misery of women, children, and senior citizens stranded on the streets, begging to survive. I met brilliant students lacking access to education, with no outlet to foster their creativity and innovation. Recognizing the circumstances that many Pakistanis were born into drove me to immerse myself in helping developing countries by working to provide better education, build more shelters, and utilize technology to achieve cleaner air and water.

Over the course of my trip, I spoke about empowerment and independence to women living in cramped homeless shelters, many of whom had been abandoned by their husbands. I hoped to inspire a small push for greater change, emphasizing the importance of pursuing an education and career. I knew my efforts were making an impact when I was told that many of the women I spoke with at the shelter returned to their homes to remarry, or gained the courage to seek an education. I realized that I had the advantage of living in a country where I did not need to think twice about pursuing my dreams. Empowering these women to crack through barriers in their culture and pursue their passions pushed me to follow my own advice and reflect on my own goals and interests. After returning to America, I spent months considering a match between my interests, what I was good at, and what could challenge me to succeed far beyond my unpromising past. I found that match within international law and public service.

After my trip, I realized I had a second chance at community college, and that transferring to a prestigious college would help me achieve my career and academic goals by building a solid educational foundation, using the ideal academics and resources I know will connect me to success. Through my undergraduate study, I will be able to take rigorous and comprehensive courses that will challenge my thoughts and views of the world, thus helping me improve my character and become more versatile.

Through my years in community college, I have obtained leadership positions in campus organizations that helped me develop quality skills such as leadership, public speaking, management, and decision-making. Model United Nations educated me on international affairs, while helping me turn pragmatic solutions in debates into future practices. I participated in debates on establishing global minimum wage, efficient use of natural resources and environmental policies in South Asia. In one particular general assembly, delegates were required to determine innovative solutions to reduce river contamination caused by stormwater runoff. I researched contaminants in the water and looked for patterns within communities around the world. After discovering that pesticides, oil, and landfills were the main pollutants, I focused on cost-effective and efficient solutions that tackled these areas. With my fellow delegates, I prepared a comprehensive resolution that included community members cleaning up after themselves, installing ground catchment systems to harvest and reuse storm water, and incorporating runoff controls in roadways by green infrastructure. I took (an)early initiative to persuade other delegates to vote for my resolution. To increase productivity, I delegated research and writing tasks to committee members and ensured effective communication.

The responsibilities I learned through my leadership roles, along with my communication and management skills, shaped me into a dedicated young leader with the self-confidence and perseverance to continue a life-long endeavor of public service.
Feb 28, 2015
Undergraduate / "Your account has been deleted. We hope you come back soon," Facebook said [2]

This was an interesting read but also very generic and predictable. People know pretty much exactly what happens when someone deletes their Facebook, and it matches your story. You provide good imagery though, but I'm not sure if this is really following the prompt. You get there towards the end, but it's very short, so you should talk more about who you are now without Facebook rather than who you were. The prompt says "we'd like to know more about you," so give them a lot more about you. Also, you use the word "Facebook" a lot in your essay so maybe switching it out with some other words like "it" could make it less repetitive.
Feb 28, 2015
Undergraduate / Brown University carries my top choice of major: Development Studies. [3]

This is my first draft after deleting everything I wrote before and writing it differently. Due tomorrow-please help!

prompt: Please tell us more about your interest in transferring. Why does Brown appeal to you as a college option? Who or what has influenced your decision to apply? (250 word limit)

Brown University carries my top choice of major: Development Studies. Although it is one of the few top schools to offer my major, it is the only school where I would feel motivated to succeed to the highest degree by pursuing my own education. It is also the only school with campus organizations where I would feel welcome in, and differing interests and ideas to allow me to learn new perspectives.