Undergraduate / "transition to college" - Common Application Essay on Diversity [3]

I have to say I disagree with Kevin.

I don't think you should take back something that you did that was clearly admirable. No one's going to hold it against you that you hit a bully, you were young and you were brave. What stands out is your positive qualities, and the fact that you're not afraid to be yourself. Don't change their view of you by taking your (admirable) ations back. Just leave it the way it is, most people aren't themselves in their essays and your genuineness makes you stand out.

Undergraduate / My SCARS and my MISTAKES; Common App [34]

"You're going to loo se your fiancé..."

Watch out for the different ways to use loose and lose.

Undergraduate / 'ACT center' - My significant achievement, Common App Long Essay [2]

These words are used incorrectly:

"fickle facial expressions "

what do you mean here? doubtful? you could say "skeptical"

"It was a grandeuryet idealistic idea"

perhaps here you are thinking of "grandiose"

"greeted with long applauses"

it would be better to say "greeted by lengthy applause"...you don't really use applause in the plural form ever, you know?

Very good. I really liked it. Original and shows how...strong-willed and special you are. And your English is amazing. You write better than many native English speakers.

This one's a keeper!

Undergraduate / "I got a detention in third grade." Stanford Short: Letter to Roommate [12]

the transition from this:
My teacher didn't think so, though. She said students weren't allowed to drill holes in their desks.

to this:
Since then, I've been optimizing everything. My environment, my projects, myself- if there is a way for me to make something better, I will find it. Recently, I designed a workshop and then led a team in building it in my school- we built a workbench, a lumber dock, shelves, and cabinets and turned a vacant attic space into a usable room.

is a little rough. because it's on a completely different tone, from simple fun and humorous, to intense working showing-off (not saying that that's bad, you gotta do what you gotta do in college essays). so somehow make it flow better. what you did is impressive but eyes tend to skim over it if it sounds like a list of your accomplishments. ya know? cause everyone will just list off their accomplishments. keep it, but make it more legit. haha. is this making any sense?

"It also means that you won't see much of me actually in the dorm- by the time I've finished optimizing it, I'll have moved on to my next project. That's good for you, because I do snore, but by the time I'm in the dorm and in bed you'll probably be fast asleep."

poor roommate! what if they actually like you, and want to see more of you? this makes you sound like you're negligent in your friendships or something.

This is a good concept, and it's unique. The beginning was particularly impressive. Just carry that through to the end. That originality I mean. And show a little more interaction with the roommate. This seems really one-ended to me. Like, express a little more to them about THEM like "If you need something fixed I'm the man" or "Perhaps you could join me on one of my building endeavors" or something.

Undergraduate / "The Luger" - Stanford Common Application essay! [10]

I think it's just risky talking about "your love for weapons." If you must do it then talk about something that you gained from it. The focus right now is just on the gun itself, when it should also be on you. What exactly do you get from these shooting sessions? etc...

Also, don't worry so much about the wording. Sometimes it becomes too much and one can tell you're just trying to make it sound nice. It'll actually flow better if you write with your normal vocabulary, and just stick in a few nice words here and there. Just make sure your VOICE comes out..because it's a good one.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - What lead me to my goal? [24]

I love it! Your essay has this distinct personality about it that everyone tries so hard to make their essay have. And you did it so effortlessly.

Your sentences are sometimes a little too long, but that can easily be fixed later. Do all your structural revisions first and then I am sure people will help with the little grammar things here and there.

I agree with Simone, just cut out your first paragraph. You don't need to write a new intro--your second paragraph works well as an intro.

The way you decided to become a doctor, and specifically a heart surgeon, are pretty straightforward and sudden for an essay. So like Simone said, you should explain a bit how even if your track shifts a little it will always be your goal to ultimately help people in the field of medicine (or something like that). Maybe work it into the concluding paragraph where you explain that other things have flitted through your mind? I think you could even say it in a line or two, you don't have to worry about restructuring the entire essay to put this bit in; but it would be a helpful addition.

This is an excellent, distinct, sincere piece of work. :)

Undergraduate / Reading has always been a favorite pastime of mine. - Common App [14]

No, I think you should keep the part about books disappearing. It's a good point and kind of gives your love for books a 'greater meaning.'

Undergraduate / Prepare to serve - a medical practice in an underserved area [5]

I think this is great stuff. You sound sincere, and the experiences you've had are all really relevant to what you want to do. You obviously didn't do all this stuff to pad your college application; you did it because it's your passion. And you seem like a great learner, because you've put across what you gained from these experiences really well. You gained things that most people wouldn't.

Maybe you want to work on structure, making sure that your intro and conclusion tie back into the essay prompt, the paragraphs have supporting details, etc. etc. The moderators and others specify this better, and noticed more; the only negative thing I felt while reading was that there was a little missing in the structure.

But I didn't want it to remain unmentioned that this is a great essay because your experiences, what you gained from them, and your sincerity really shine through.. :)

Undergraduate / Food & Culture (University of Michigan) [20]

I was referring to tiantian.

I agree that some statements take it a little far, which is why I did not comment on that part of your comments, Liebe. I am only saying that this example is fine to use for such a short essay, because what could she talk about that would be all-encompassing? Therefore, I think the topic itself is fine, but perhaps some of the statements about what she has gotten from it need to be toned down.

I think universities like honesty. Everyone will say "...and this has made me an extremely diverse person who is able to understand all cultures..." or something to that extent. They're trying to sell themselves to the University. It would actually be more unique to talk about how the diversity you have experienced on a smaller scale (Asian countries) has contributed to a little cultural growth. Just try and be honest and take out cliche sentences, tiantian. Think hard about what this experience has really given you, if anything. Then your essay will come across as sincere and you will stand out.

Undergraduate / Food & Culture (University of Michigan) [20]


lol that sounds very much like you, Liebe.
Also, change "because I regarded the original Chinese dishes were the best" to "because i regarded the original Chinese dishes as the best."

"so as not to disappoint him" is fine, keep it the way it was. I think Liebe's correction of it sounds more awkward.


I think it IS necessary. It's a unique analogy that makes the essay stand out.


Well, UM is NOT expecting you to have experienced every culture in their prompt. Very, very few students will have met people from every part of the world. In your case, having met people from different parts of Asia gives you cultural maturity a lot of people don't have, and I think this was a perfect example for you to use in your essay. Even if you had met other cultures, it would take too long to explain. This is the right topic for a short essay.

Undergraduate / Food & Culture (University of Michigan) [20]

much better!
When I was ten, I was selected to conducttake part in a cultural exchange with children from five other Asian countries at ten years old . A camping trip totally changed the situation ofcompletely altered our originally distant relationship caused by language differencebarriers .

The Ff irst night we livedspent on the mountain, the organizers suggested us makingwe make some cuisines representing our own countries. When I was making the traditional meat stuffing for dumplings, a student from India suggested me addingI add some curry into it and pouring some royal fizz on the dumplings. Although at first I was quite reluctant to accept his advice because I regarded the original Chinese dishes were theas best, still I added the exotic ingredients he suggested so as not to disappoint him.

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]

I do not know when I will post my next essay. I'm going to wait a while though. I definitely want to write about India, but I want to live here for longer, I mean my whole view of this country is changing drastically after going to school here. I want this to sink in further before I begin to write. And this way I won't sound pretentious or ABCD-esque. So I guess in a way it will be an edited version of the first essay. It will probably be very different, though.

Sorry for "jumping ship," I was busy with homework and stuff.

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]

Tiantian, you are such a nice person. Thank you for your kind words. And I know what it is like to feel discouraged. I am glad you let go of that and then wrote another great essay that reflected who you were (eagles). Even when you wrote your first essay, everyone was very impressed. You are a great writer and a great person too, and I really have faith in the fact that you will continue to work hard and get into a very good school. And thank you for your faith in me, it was very moving.


Liebe, as hard as it may be to believe, I am not fainthearted. heh. I am a very vocal person who stands up for my own and others' rights. I simply pointed out that negative remarks can be discouraging because no one else on the forum had mentioned it as far as I have seen.

And I am aware of the rigor of Columbia. I would not apply if I did not think I had a fair shot of getting in.


Liebe, you are right. Criticism should motivate a person to do better. And it does. However, when it is phrased discouragingly or superciliously then it's a different story. There is a difference between constructive criticism and discouraging criticism.

Let me give you an example--sorry that I am using you, you are obviously not the only one.


Right. Here, you are laughing at what I have just written. Not very encouraging. Nor is it constructive.

conversely...


This is very constructive criticism. In fact, your comments scattered throughout my essay to be more specific really allowed me to write better essays in the future. There is not a single *nice* word here; no one wants false or undeserved praise--but this is good, honest & helpful feedback that I will apply in my future writing.


Notoman, I agree with everything you are saying. An in-depth critique is certainly a compliment. Just wanted to mention that, on the other hand, an in-depth shredding-apart is not. (I know that did not make grammatical sense but you know what I mean. lol) It could be helpful to some people, and then they ask for it.

Although this discussion has been fueled in my thread, I think (hope) it is not about me personally. If I post another essay here, I really would like everyone to be honest, and tell me when/if my writing sucks. Or my topic sucks. Or both. I am not new to the forum anymore, and knowing all of you by now a little makes it very easy to take your criticism well, and apply it. I respect all of you a lot.

Just when someone new comes here and posts their first piece of writing, I would hate to see discouraging remarks when they have just begun..the worst thing is that that would misrepresent how helpful this place is; everyone here has good intentions, and is intelligent and helpful. Sadly, when the writer is new here, they don't know that yet.

Undergraduate / UC entrance essay #2:special personal quality [7]

I like both of these ideas. mzn528--tell us a specific story related to this theme of friends, a very significant experience that you had. But keep your underlying points about your values, etc. They're really unique, and I think it's so great that you are brave enough to mention them in your essay. There are few out there who both have this quality AND are brave enough to be honest about it in their college essays.

If you are looking to get into a particularly prestigious UC (like UCLA, Berkeley, actually all of them are getting more and more applicants each year so they're all getting pretty competitive though obviously those two are the hardest), you may want to take out the sentences that suggest anything against academics. In fact I would definitely revise this sentence--


Perhaps make it "I may not be a genius, but what I have and what I gain are priceless-friendship, happiness, and respect." This is honest, yet less negative. It's just never a good idea to put yourself down academically in a college application essay. There is so much good about you that you shouldn't spend any time focusing on the bad. :)

Undergraduate / Events in my life - New UF essay. [5]

"This has helped me to not only fulfill a part of myself that was never complete, but Ialso receive the opportunity to aid those who are in need, which has developed into a passion of mine."

"I do not know why my father left, but part of me still believes it might have had something to do with financially insecurity to the point of desperation."

I have to disagree with others. Because you have had to do so much on your own and find strength not from a father figure but yourself, this independence and strength shines in your essay. You do not have to be overly emotional about it. However, you could add a line or two about your feelings near the beginning when you first tell the reader your father left. Perhaps expand on the frustration you must have felt throughout your teenage years, or the weariness. This could then bridge over to the point about how these feelings just made you stronger and helped you realize that the way to feel better was to help others who were missing someone in their lives,too--which is a truly admirable thing that you have done.

Undergraduate / Stuck on UC prompt, there is nothing really exciting in my life.. [15]

Nope, I don't think so. You have to say how this background shaped your goals and aspirations. Remember to keep looking at the prompt!--half of it asks you what this background has done to your goals. So you need another paragraph explaining your goals and aspirations (it should be clear that your family and culture shaped these because those are what the last two paragraphs were about), and then perhaps you can have a concluding paragraph.

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]

Thank you! That's really kind of you to say. Good luck to you too, hope you'll continue to post revisions and essays here!

Undergraduate / Stuck on UC prompt, there is nothing really exciting in my life.. [15]


Can you say this in a nicer way?
maybe "they like to strive for constant success and make sure their children follow today's trends, and in the process are slowly distancing from their culture."

"...do it with a full heart.."

I like the direction you're taking with this, but try to make it sound more sincere and less flowery by avoiding cliche's like "a full heart." Just be straightforward, for example mention it if you feel that following your own passions rather than what others want of you is more important, trying is more important than succeeding, being happy is more important than being successful, etc. etc. If you are completely honest it will sound very good.

Then give examples or anecdotes of how these family morals have shaped your goals and aspirations, etc. Keep looking at the prompt to make sure you are answering it.

Undergraduate / University studies and my career [5]

lol. They might be tempted to actually use it.

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]

This is good. I for one, liked the analogy, but since more than one person didn't get it then it's better to chuck it.


I'm not quite sure I would say "guys" here. "People" may work better.


You weren't expecting intimidation on her face, were you? That is what the sentence makes it seem like. Try "While I was expecting *negative adjective for Miss Judy*, her face is wise and passionate". Maybe "severity."


While my enjoyment of ballet will never surpass my passion for contemporary dance, I have learned to truly appreciate ballet. Miss Judy taught me to enjoy "the basics." or, "the essential." (ballet is not a "requirement" for everyone so it is best not to end on an ambiguous note.)

Other than that, great! She sounds like an inspirational and awesome person. I'm starting ballet classes soon, wish I had her. :)

Undergraduate / Need help on Bump in road Essay (my best friend's death) [23]

I agree. It's great.

Here are the only things I could find--

"Now, instead of running out the door, I take thea few seconds of time it takes to find my mom, kiss her cheek and tell her that I love her, that I will be careful."


This sentence seems a bit too long.

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]

hey

Number 4 looks good, and unique. Any of these topics work, one can write about ANYTHING, but you have to be inspired and write well. I've found the way you can tell is you sit down to write a draft and you write it all through in like 30 minutes. When that happens to me I know I've done a good job and mean what I am writing. When you have to painstakingly construct it bit by bit, with little revisions along the way, it gets bland, generic, and loses your voice.

And I wish people would reconsider what they said about your first essay. Maybe it is a common topic, but it was very beautiful. And in your own voice. Another person on this forum said that your first "reaction" is the most sincere--I agree completely. When you put it up, I am sure you felt good about it. That's what matters the most. Even if the second one is a slightly less common topic, the first one is just better, in my opinion. It needs revisions, but I don't think the topic itself needs to be revised.

Whereabouts in India are you? Now that I live here I go to school in Delhi.

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]

Thanks for your consideration, guys.

Undergraduate / Essay C- Personal info you want considered as a part of your admissions essay [5]

In the first couple of paragraphs all of your sentences are pretty short. You should make some long, some short, so that it reads well.

The further I read, the better the sentence structure got, so just try to get that into your first couple paragraphs too.

And for everything else, see above. :)

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]

Okay, my bad.

My apologies to everyone for going WAY off topic. Didn't mean it to happen.

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]

I had noticed.


You give people absolutely no room for leeway, even when they are casually clarifying a concept you did not understand. I mean, come on man, I'm not writing a college essay here.

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]

Yeah. If you're a serious dancer you'll take classes in all fields, jazz, ballet etc. Even if your TRUE passion is hip hop, or contemporary, or w/e. Soo, brendali is saying that although she really just wanted to spend all her time doing contemporary (well she did not really say that but let me just assume it for the sakes of explanation), she did ballet so that her technique would be more clean, her lines would be better, while doing contemporary. Ballet gives you that foundation.


Keep in mind that you may be a sole case.


lol this was just a joke. I didn't mean it seriously. I understand why you would think that, and yes I am a girl, and so, probably, is tal105.

Now I saw what you just added to your post. Well you see I thought you had already read my post so rather than deleting I thought I would just add onto it and say the "nvm" bit.

But I am glad that I contributed to your ego.

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]

lol just because "omg" and "<33" were in our reaction does not mean it is a girl thing. LOL. I still find that connection very amusing however.

Basically, ballet is like doing research, it's not fun. The product (which would be data for research and good contemporary dance for ballet) is what makes it all worth it. So she is saying, just like a researcher slogs through their research so they can analyze their awesome data and have a cool theory, she slogged through her ballet so she could do really good dance with good lines and technique and stuff. (But she didn't really slog as Miss. Judy made it a stimulating and engaging experience for her.)

To me that conclusion totally made sense and was the best part about the essay. Which was otherwise also very well written, although it may need to be reshaped to better fit the prompt, if indeed the prompt is commenting on a person who influenced you--which is also another possibility Liebe, for her prompt.

Oh wait but I see from your above post that you knew that. nvm.

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]

Nope. I'm in India now, they start school at the beginning of july, and my school in particular starts at the beginning of august.

And thank you--


--for that.

Oh and yeah, I'm tackling the first.

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]

Thanks tal105. I feel exactly the same way as you, especially that the first rection is always the most sincere. :)
I do not plan on using the second essay at all actually, I've written tons of different drafts and the first one is one of the few I plan to use. :) With editations, of course. Thank you for your helpful and sincere advice!

Sean--never really answered your question. Well it was more of a little rumination but I'll answer it anyway lol. After Liebe tore my essay apart, lol, I got pretty discouraged, and started to see everything about it in a pretty negative light. Then I saw some other essays on this forum talking about India and I felt woww my topic's so overused. But the thing is, it's the only thing that comes from my heart that I've been able to put onto paper thus far. And you guys have given me some GREAT feedback. So right now I'm pretty sick of the essay but I plan to tackle it again in a few weeks (lots of new school stuff going on right now) and make all the required tweaking.

Undergraduate / 'Both education and Track and Field' - Stanford a good place for you? [14]

lol ahhh that's awesome.
HAHAH. a ballerina, you say.

hmm. I bet soo many people put their major choices as undecided, too though. And if you really like engineering you should go ahead and check that off, I would stay true to myself.

And you should also check that off because it is your academic interest. It's what gives you direction! You need it for your essays to have an underlying purpose. So your message can be, here I am, I love engineering and I love track & field. Being honest is your best bet for college apps. You wouldn't want them to accept you because of some fake persona you created.

I think all of your essays will be better if you stop trying to hide that interest in engineering! It's something to be proud of.

I don't know what's a good time in track & field but you sound pretty impressive, and if you have coaches trying to help you get in, then umm...yeah, you're probably going to get in. I mean obviously I can't say that with certainty. But if you make your essays polished and BE HONEST ABOUT YOUR INTERESTS (cough engineering) then you have a very strong chance.

Undergraduate / 'Both education and Track and Field' - Stanford a good place for you? [14]

haha. critiqueness is not a word but if it was then you definitely spelled it correctly.

Liebe makes everyone's essay look like crap. lol

Wow, it's great that you've researched on Track and Field that in depth. Okay I would split this up into three segments, one on your academic interest (put that BEFORE sports) and how Stanford especially will help you with that, one segment on your track & field and how you've talked to the coaches ("Talking with the coaches at Stanford has really given me the drive to succeed in the Stanford Track & Field team" or something), and one on how Stanford and you will mutually benefit from these two fortes of yours, academic and athletic. The last segment will take care of this--


--but you should talk about how THEY will help you at the same time that you talk about how YOU will help them so that it's not conceited-sounding.

You still haven't mentioned what your academic interest is (if any), but I hope you have one cause that's really important if you want show how you're going to contribute to Stanford.

Undergraduate / 'Both education and Track and Field' - Stanford a good place for you? [14]

Hm. I was under the impression that the PAC-10 Conference was some Track & Field or sports thing.


That makes it seem like the coaches are going to help him score points in the conference.

Anyway, if I'm wrong, my apologies to the German. :)

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]


No, she's complimenting its study abroad program.

Undergraduate / 'Both education and Track and Field' - Stanford a good place for you? [14]

hmmm.. I think you should re-write this. Here's why--first you're complimenting the university and saying smart people go there, so you want to go there as well, for the competition. Okay, that makes sense. But that's true of any prestigious university. You could copy paste the same paragraph and use it in an essay for an application to any other college.

Then you devote the rest of your essay to track and field. Fair enough, it seems like you have researched into their track & field program. But what about their academic program? A college's first priority is education. What is your area of academic interest? Do you know how good Stanford's department for that area is? That's something you should mention. Keep the track & field bit in there, and use the metaphor of the 400 m race to show your drive to succeed, but mention the academics too..show them you've done your research and Stanford IS the right place for you, for more reasons than one. Have you visited the campus? You could talk about that, too.

Undergraduate / Need help on Bump in road Essay (my best friend's death) [23]

"Even though I was surrounded by friends and family, I havehad never felt more alone."


Great sentence.


Try and make this sentence less cliche.

This is really moving. You write well, too.
About connecting it to how you will contribute to UF, I'm not sure. But is it necessary to make that connection? Do they ask you to in the prompt? If not, maybe you don't need to, because your best traits come across well in this piece on their own.

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]


Really?? How come you never put any of your essays up?


Then you were questioning the usage of the word its, weren't you? ;) Anyway, since you bolded just the t and the s I thought you were referring to its lack of an apostrophe. lol.

Also, are you Indian? You seem to know a lot about India.

Undergraduate / UC Admissions Essays (my personal virtues; why Cornell) - LF some critiques/insight/help [8]

I like the second version of this essay more than the first--you play up your positive aspects well.


I really like this sentence. But are you sure you want to use "unrelenting"? To me that means that you somehow recklessly let her dote as much as she wanted. Maybe you meant "reluctant"? But that would mean you DIDN'T like her doting; I'm not sure how you felt about it.

"So, it is the middle of the night and I am faced with a dilemnadilemma ."

"I either get up and lose and hour or more..."

"While waking up in the middle of the night is rarely fun, they doit does offer me a chance to see my grandma for who she is now and appreciate who she once was."

"...and it' s time to go back to bed."

"It is assuring because it tells me that neither I nor anyone else is biologically better or worse thenthan her."

"But beyond the experiences with my Grandma hinting at our commonality, lies..."

"...she always says with adamentadamant fervor..."

"The persistence of these comments though has leadled me.."


This sentence seems kinda out of place to me..You don't talk about your major or career anywhere else. Maybe consider removing it entirely so the focus of your essay is how your Grandma improved you as a person. Or, expand on it so there is a clear connection between your experiences living with her and how this has affected your academic direction.

You end the essay calling her your "Grandma" but you begin it calling her your "grandmother"..I'd use grandmother the entire time, it's more formal which is good for college essays.

I really like this topic..it's pretty unique, and it was brave of you as a young person to take care of your Grandma like this. And you capture how you felt about it well.

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]


looool. Yeah that would be mine...
Anyway, I'm writing on something else now, 10tlala, so at least you have one less person to worry about using the same topic as you. ;)

Hmm...I would not take to heart all of Liebe's corrections because he made quite a few and the whole tone of your essay would change if you listened to all of it.


I've seen many people use it the way you use it so that seems fine to me.


lol as you said "previous" this is fine too


Trying works.


I agree.
This was a problem with my essay too--you can't just SUDDENLY realize that actually you like India. This doesn't happen in one day, or one moment. It takes much longer for most people. How you came to realize you liked it should comprise a much greater part of your essay, and it should be believable.


Your usage of "its" is fine. Props, cause a lot of people mess it up :)

This is well written and thoughtful. I mean, I still feel that your topic is generic, but I already mentioned that and maybe I only feel it because I wrote an essay almost exactly like yours. Also, like I mentioned earlier, you kind of "suddenly" see the good in India. You need to make that bit longer, explain how it happened, so it is more believable. Lastly, when you explain what YOU are doing to improve the conditions, the different things you do don't seem to connect. You should organize that bit better so that it is more powerful; maybe show how each action combats a concern you have with the country (which should have been mentioned earlier in the essay) and how it reaches your goals. Or something. lol.

Good luck!

PS. I stiiiiilll like your first essay the most. :)

Undergraduate / The story of two eagles-- common app [8]

Is U of Chicago common app? If not, you could use that essay (the old/new concept one) for common app if you wanted. It was really good.

I think the thing that makes an essay shine the most is its imagery. That's what made that one so good, the pictures you created of Shi Ku Men (sp?) were wonderful.

This essay is also good, touching, like Sean said, and sincere. You're doing a great job for someone who is not a native speaker. :)