Posts by eegii012

eegii012

Aug 25, 2015

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Building a new cinema in the neighborhood is beneficial. [NEW]

It has recently been announced that a new movie theater may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

Essay:

In fact, building a new cinema has been a controversy for years in my local area. Since builders do act with inhabitants' choice, one choice we have to make is whether to build a new motion picture theater or not. Although it is mostly true that building such a construction would cost millions, I believe that it is definitely a best thing to improve people's cultural value and make money, indeed. We may see this statement's being true from a couple of examples from observation and knowledge.

First of all, given the new entertainment center showing new movies everyday, people will love to go for amusement and for enjoying their free times. No matter how that movie is made or where that feature came from, people will be happy to go for that if it is showing in their neighborhood. It is being obvious from the study that shows the majority of people who don't go for movies said they didn't have any kind of theater in their surrounding areas and it was harsh to go for popcorn flick from a dozen kilometers away.

Also, movies inspire viewers with something that could be thought for a week even for years. It is true that the good movies are always kept in the admirer's heart and mind because he had brought the movie out of the theater. Congratulating the professionals in the film industry, academy awards and Cannes and are one of the common features of the inspiring and thought-provoking film. Only movie theaters could bring that wonderful form of art at our doors.

As a result of the close analysis of if is it good to constructing a new cinema, we may conclude that it is the best possible idea to get our neighbors beloved to movies and to spread the understanding of movies as near as possible for you.

I would really appreciate you. Please, let me know how much score this essay will get in a scale of 5.

eegii012

Aug 23, 2015

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Online Games, Good or Bad? [3]

Hi! Here is my corrections for you.

The past decade has witnessed the rapid progress of online games. Is it a blessing or a curse? I stand by the con side.
Fortunately , a number of benefits are brought by the online games. To name a few , they can release our stress,bring us pleasure and some high-qualified online games with great imagination can foster our creativity to some degree. Nonetheless, all advantages discussed above can't counteract a considerable amount of demerits that comes with online games.

~~It is widely held that online games bring with it a considerable amount of demerits.~~ Firstly , lacking in self-discipline, teenager students are likely to be distracted by online games, which often results in poor academic performance. Moreover, innocent and naive, some young children may confuse the real world with the virtual world and might hurt themselves. For instance, one boy who believed he could fly jumped down from a 10-floor-high building and killed himself. Last but not least, as online games are quite costly, they can force addicted players to earn money illegally to guarantee themselves competent in the game. Therefore, online games must be restricted. [Better add more words in this sentence]

To illustrate my point more specifically and incisively , let's take LUXCIDE, the world-famous online game, as a typical instance. To begin with, there are some erotic and unhealthy images or advertisements on the game platform. Since juveniles are exposed to those foul information, they have no choice but to be polluted. Furthermore, the game itself contains fiercely violent scenes which can do harm to the young's values.To take an example, one of my little cousins, once a sunny, pure and lovely boy, was addicted to LUXCIDE two and a half years ago. Last week, to my great astonishment, he was no longer what he used to be. With a pair of totally vacuous eyes, he showed no respects to lives. When we talked about the shocking news that a terrorist killed 8 children without mercy, he just mocked and laughed- how could it be!

In a nutshell, based on the discussion above, I can safely state that online game is a rose with thorns. Yet, I strongly assert that its disadvantages outbalance its advantages. Consequently, online games must be limited to promise us a brighter future.

Overall, your essay has all the requirements to get 5, as it is told by ETS. I think it is better to divide your reasons to each paragraphs instead of squeezing them in one.

eegii012

Aug 22, 2015

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - 'colleges and universities provide the best conditions for students to gain knowledge' [4]

Hi ! Here's my suggestions. Good luck on your TOEFL. Mine is in next week,too.
Cuong is , one of the most famous educators in Viet Nam, once said that:

Second paragraph is too long-winded and have unnecessary words.

So, it's better to change it " To start with, people attend colleges and universities because institutions allow them to gain more knowledge and experience about various fields such as science, economics, society, environment and so on. Universities divide those fields into many subjects to instruct their students to become more specified professionals in the future.

~~It is obvious that employers now need good quality employees who possess soft skills not need robots.~~ Nowadays, employers seek ambitious and trustworthy workers with soft skills rather than working hands.

Therefore, students get higher education because they have the aspiration to improve their soft skills.
Being a good example for this case, my brother have graduated from National Economics University of Viet Nam
Hence, attending universities lays a good foundation and will be a precursor for a successful career path in the future.

In my view, the government should invest more money in university education systems to encourage people to enroll in universities.

Good Luck

eegii012

Aug 21, 2015

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Car usage in 20 years later [2]

I am preparing for my TOEFL that I need some corrections on it. Could you please rate it in a scale of 5. Thanks.

The issue of how many cars will be in use has been a controversy for many people. Since people do act by making a prediction for the future, one prediction one has to make about the future is whether many cars will be in traffic or they will be deposited in the trash. Although it is mostly true that a great number of people think cars will be replaced by another kind of new portable devices, I believe that more cars will be on the road in 20 years' time than that is in today. We may see this statement is being true from a couple of examples from observation and knowledge.

First of all, two decades are not considered much time for the breakthrough of new technology to be invented and rise in the markets. Devising a new technology and persuading public to use it wisely and in many numbers will take more than 20 years to accomplish. To make clear example, let's simply think about 20 years past from today. It was 1995 when the only rich people with high prestige used to drive vintage automobiles made by USSR in my country. My grandparents once told me that only one or two cars had been in the downtown road of the capital city. In my opinion, automobile usage and development are just beginning to spread to the all parts of the world.

Finally, instead of perishing from the earth, cars would develop into more environmental and powerful mean of transportation. Because many scientists are devising more gas-efficient and more comfortable ride as possible, people in the future are going to accelerate their wheels with such ease and even with a few bucks in their pockets.

As a result of close analysis of cars' usage in today and that in the 20 years later, we may conclude that immeasurable number of cars would be on the road and manufactories making automobiles will open their new branches in every countries in the world.

eegii012

Aug 21, 2015

Undergraduate / "A cat. Several spitballs. A game." Seeking help for Carleton supplyment essay; Why Carleton [4]

Hi ! Here's my corrections.

How about calling your cat he or she ? You used it in the "As I read, I sank in, without noticing Creativity has turned to play with his toys. "

I made some spitballs with random numbers on it for him to play with.
Surprisingly, he caught the same ball, numbered 115, for three times.
You are really old and get myopia." and was ready to turn the page.
Creativity just jumped onto my desk and started to sleep on the open page of the book.
Look the word " abroad" , three terms
As I read, I completely sank in it without even noticing Creativity had turned to play with his toys.
Expressing his gladness, he mewed.

eegii012

Aug 17, 2015

Undergraduate / Indonesian student in SANTA CLARA UNIVERSITY: CommonApp Questions [3]

Congratulations! written with proficiency and confidence. I haven't recognized anything more than minor errors in flow and clarity, throughout the descriptions. Hope you to succeed in admission

eegii012

Aug 17, 2015

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:The longer one lives with parents, the better the one will be. [2]

This writing is for TOEFL writing section. Please evaluate my passage on a scale of 5. I will appreciate that. Thanks to you.

Throughout our lives we face various difficulties, overcome many obstacles and make tons of decisions. One type of such decisions one has to make is whether to live with their parents as long as possible or live independently from their parents as early as possible. Although, it is mostly true that living on one's own elevates his or her ability to live alone and without relying on relatives, I believe that living with parents for a long time has its benefits. We may see this declaration is being true from a couple of examples from observations and knowledge.

First of all, parents have been educating us from very beginning of our lives. They are the people who taught us what is good and what's wrong in the world from an scope of humanbeings. Concerning from the causes from this, they are still have other things to teach and instruct to us. For instance, my big brother who have been living on his own once told me the same things I written above after he has faced some downturns in his life due to lack of instructions from parents.

In adolescence years, characteristics inside us do matter when it comes to choose whether to live with parents or not. It is true that personalities of us affect our decision and tendency to different situations. According to the recent study, people who like to be in the middle of many people tend to live with their parents for the longest time as possible.

Finally, living in the care and love of mother and father in adult years is essential for one to become good-minded and loving parent in the future. Your kids will watch and might inherit your healthy way of which you communicate and respect your parents. In addition to that, it is widely acclaimed that grandparents are the best people to instruct good perspectives and take care of their children , with "grand" prefix.

As a result of close analysis of living with families for a longer time and its benefits, we may conclude that parents are the greatest at educating and affecting.

eegii012

Jul 14, 2015

Writing Feedback / Single-sex or mixed school? [3]

Pretty good structured essay. But pay attention to plural usage. Proficient vocabulary.
Except some mechanical errors, perfectly written writing.

eegii012

Jul 14, 2015

Writing Feedback / Choosing friends; having mates who are similar or different from you have both its good points TOEFL [2]

Some people choose friends who are different from themselves. Others choose friends who are similar to themselves. Compare the advantages of having friends who are different from you with the advantages of having friends who are similar to you. Which kind of friend do you prefer for yourself? Why?

Please note you will be suspended the next time you post useless comments in other students' threads.

In every part of lifetime,particularly hard times, there's always need for close friends whom I can talk and listen. Very close friends,influencers, can make your feelings relieved and even some can help you to solve your problems. Having peers who are similar to or different from you really matters. In my opinion, I'd better have friends who have some behaviours and preferences same as mine.

To begin with advantages of similar friends, you could talk everything, from gossips to sports. They are more reliable and trustworthy people rather than other ones. Sharing secrets and talking badly about other people are definitely advantages of these kinds of friends. Another advantage is that similar friends usually have same interests, had to spend times together and have fun. Study shows friendship, having interests in common, lasts much longer. For example,when I was in high school I had a really close mate who knew every relationship and private secret of mine.We were from same town and same elementary school and we had interest in movies in common. This shows how similar we are to each other.

On the other hand, having collagues who are different from you has its advantages. Chances are you can learn to spend time in other ways and meet other kinds of people. Partners ,different ones, have the whole another lifestyle from you. You'll get fresh experience that you have never felt. Visiting a place you have never been to, doing an activity you haven't ever done and making friends from other groups of society you have never met are perks of friends who are different from you.

In short, having mates who are similar or different from you have both its good points.

eegii012

Jul 14, 2015

Writing Feedback / TOEFL : Most businesspeople are motivated only by the desire for more money. [6]

In overall, it is perfect essay except some typo errors. So, it'd be helpful to check your writing once in a while. Proficient vocabulary and management, but there's some errors.

The more a person thinks of himself productive, the more he is being proud of himself.
~~In a word,~~ Taking into a account all aforementioned points, one can logically draw the conclusion that what the businessmen goes for is not always desire for more and more money.

eegii012

Jul 7, 2015

Writing Feedback / Machines vs Hands? Never forget to teach your kids how to do simple household tasks. [2]

Hello to you, I am writing some essays for my preparation to TOEFL. Here is the topic of essay below. Please rate it on a scale of 5. (0-5)

Some people like doing work by hand. Others prefer using machines. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Essay :

From the dawn of human beings, we have been doing thousands of varieties of works in every corner in the world. There are lots of adages about the term "work" that inspired and influenced all of us. No man or woman can survive without dealing with the work. Nowadays, advanced technological breakthroughs are one the must-have part of our lives. Despite there are lot of Hollywood blockbusters about robot controlled civilizations, nobody can terminate today's growth of technology completely. It is one thing which is absolutely out of control. Personally, I am very fond of machines, doing our works. They save a great deal of time and never tire.

First, working machines really save our time.The total time for doing a particular job was reduced dramatically since the invention of machine,used to do that work, introduced.For instance, one used to wash a load of clothes for 2 hours only by bare hands. Now it's 20 minutes without need of hands. Now, lots of leisure activities can be done for the sake of machines.

In addition to saving time, they never stop working. Unlike humans, machines don't have to eat, drink, take a break and even go to restroom. One advantage of technologically industrialized factory is ability to produce much products in very less time. On the other hand, doing works by bare hand would lack in complexity and speed.

To sum up, working machines are fundamental parts of our today's busy life. But, it is important to never forget to teach your kids how to do simple household tasks.

eegii012

Jul 7, 2015

Writing Feedback / "Can stress cause diabetes?" - essay for Newcastle University Partners [3]

In general, pretty clear and good essay. Proficient use of signal words. Thumbs up for that.
But, I think you need final conclusion paragraph to end your essay.
Also, you could use "According to, As mentioned in, etc" to illustrate your used materials instead of ( )
I hope it'll help.
Good luck.