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[TOEFL] Online Games, Good or Bad? [3]
Hi! Here is my corrections for you.
The past decade has witnessed the rapid progress of
online games. Is it a blessing or
a curse? I stand by the con side.
Fortunately ,
a number of benefits are brought by
the online games.
To name a few , they can release our stress,bring us pleasure
and some high-qualified online games with great imagination can foster our creativity to some degree. Nonetheless, all
advantages discussed above can't counteract a considerable amount of demerits that comes with online games.
It is widely held that online games bring with it a considerable amount of demerits. Firstly , lacking in self-discipline, teenager students are likely to be distracted by online games, which often results in poor academic performance. Moreover, innocent and naive, some young children may confuse the real world with the virtual world and
might hurt themselves. For instance,
one boy who believed he could fly jumped down from a 10-floor-high building and killed himself. Last but not least, as online games are quite costly, they can force addicted players to earn money illegally to guarantee themselves competent in the game. Therefore, online games must be restricted. [Better add more words in this sentence]
To illustrate my point more specifically and incisively , let's take LUXCIDE, the world-famous online game, as a typical instance. To begin with, there are some erotic and unhealthy images or advertisements on the game platform. Since juveniles are exposed to those foul information, they have no choice but to be polluted. Furthermore, the game itself contains fiercely violent scenes which can do harm to the young's values.
To take an example, one of my little cousins, once a sunny, pure and lovely boy, was addicted to LUXCIDE two and a half years ago. Last week, to my great astonishment, he was no longer what he used to be. With a pair of totally vacuous eyes, he showed no respects to lives. When we talked about the shocking new
s that a terrorist killed 8 children without mercy, he just mocked and laughed- how could it be!
In a nutshell, based on the discussion above, I can safely state that online game is a rose with thorns. Yet, I strongly assert that its disadvantages outbalance its advantages. Consequently, online games must be limited to promise us a brighter future.
Overall, your essay has all the requirements to get 5, as it is told by ETS. I think it is better to divide your reasons to each paragraphs instead of squeezing them in one.