Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Should students have longer vacations than before? [2]

I am preparing my toefl test, please help me to find out my mistakes. Thanks!

The advance of contemporary society has expedited rapid progresses in a variety of aspects in life, which also arouses a series of issues. One of them concerns the length of students' vacation. To this point, it is often cited that longer vacation is necessary for students to obtain a fully relaxation from the busy school life. Personally, I vote against this view for the following views.

Granted, some may argue that students may have the opportunity to develop their own habits and interests by owning more free time. In other words, the classes school offered are often too compulsory that students hardly have chance to foster their own habits. However, they can do the things they really interested if their vacations are longer than before, which means they can participate in various activities such as visiting the museums they like or even traveling around the world. That is to say, students are readily to learn more knowledge that they will not learn in the classes, this will lead to the extension of their horizons. Be that as it may, a closer examination will reveal a crucial fact being overlooked in this case. That is, rather than promoting the comprehensive competence of the students, this policy is highly likely to cause more harms than its benefits per se. To be more specific, there are a lot of students who probably don't utilize their vacation to do truly meaningful things, instead of that, they may like to squander their time and just stay at home playing games or watching movies. As we all know, students own terrible self-control ability, which leads to the waste of the valuable time. In other words, students can't use their vacations efficiently as supposed.

What's more, when the students own an additional break, then most of them may not review what they have learned at school. In other words, what they do in the vacations could have no relations with their schoolwork, which means they will need more time to refresh their memory at the beginning of the next semester, on account of wasting more time, they may delay the process of the teaching. In that case, their academic performance will be influenced and, thus, their grades probably will incline. Additionally, their parents may feel disappointed because their children's performances are opposite with their original expectations. In sum, students' academic performance will not be improved if their vacation is longer than before.

The primary benefit of staying at school lies in the advantageous studying atmosphere and benign relationships with the classmates and faculties. By learning at school, students are often under the supervise of the teachers, which means students are more easily to gain help from teachers and solve the difficult problems effectively. This will further lead to more knowledge they obtain. On the other hand, there are many group thinking and group activities in the school, for instance, students usually need to cooperate to finish some projects or collect materials, under that circumstance, and they are more likely to think actively, make plans by themselves and allocate the different assignments. There is no doubt that these factors can contribute to the critical thinking, the cooperative skills and even the leadership. On account of that, students would gain plentiful useful experiences and skills. This further leads to the comprehensive development and advanced competence. In sum, students will be more successful if they stay in the school instead of their homes.

To sum up, from what have been discussed above, it is safe to come to a conclusion that school arranges longer vacation per year is harmful for students' development.

Writing Feedback / The inclination between social activities and studying at school [NEW]

For future career success, relating well to other people is more important than studying hard at school.

I am preparing my toefl exam, appreciate your help
There exists a heated debate over the inclination between social activities and studying in school in this day and age. It is commonly accepted that the knowledge learned at school is really important. Nonetheless, it is also claimed that maintaining a benign relationship with others is more vital than the lesson in school. Personally, I laud for the latter based upon three primary reasons.

Granted, some may claimed that students can learn more integral and systematical knowledge in school, on account of that they can delivery any questions at any time they can't understand. To be more specific, they can learn more theories in school, especially in those fundamental subjects, which will benefit them in their future work and life. It may sounds plausible, whereas these benefits are relatively insignificant mush less in comparison to the benefits of the advantageous relationships with others. That is to say, comparing with study in school, positively social work would bring more profits. By contacting with others actively, people would own a chance to obtain many others' perspectives every day. This fact will further lead to the formation of critical thinking, which is not easy to gain from the theories learned at school. In addition, the primary benefit of critical thinking lies in people's daily life, such as the study of a new knowledge or handle the work. Owing to the benefits of this, social work and communicating with others positively is better than study hard in school.

What's more, the primary ground that should be put forward to support my view is that the communication ability will be improved by relating positive associations with others. Specifically,

lacking such kind of skills could bring dire consequences. Since the communication skills are more and more important in this day and age, which indicates that people are contacting with each other by various ways at any time, therefore, good communication skills need to be valued by public. That is to say, poor association skills could lead to unpleasant results, like the fair cooperation or the loss of valuable chances. In contrast, by contacting with others actively and relating lasting relations, you can usually communicating with more people, which means your communication skills will gain a high promotion. So, the more easily you will get along with others in the future. In a word, maintaining great relationships would contribute more to the success of future career than study hard.

Last but not least, the benefits of good social work are obvious: with enormous exposed to the social circle, you would meet a lot of friends from different fields, their occupations and life stories could be various accordingly, which, leads to the connection with the experiences of doing different jobs. Such fact further benefits students' personal selection of the professions. Thus, they tend to decide what kind of jobs they are willing to apply in the future more readily, which will be beneficial to themselves. Besides, knowing different people would be helpful to their social net-work. Not only will they enlarge their social circle, but also more easily to be recommended to some empty occupations. This increase the possibilities they achieve success in the future.

To sum up, from what have been discussed above, it is safe to come to a conclusion that relating good relationships with other people would enhance the possibilities of success in the future.

Writing Feedback / Today people are not polite to each other, but why to blame; the world if full of fierce competition [2]

TOEFL: In the busy and crowded world today, we should not expect people to be polite to each other.

I am preparing my second TOEFL test , I really appreciate that if someone could give me some feedbacks on my essay to help boost my scores!

Here is the essay:

Contemporary society is filled with opportunities and fierce competition, which also arouses a heated debate over the relationships among people. A general belief holds that people are too busy and stressful to maintain good connections with others. Another popular view, however, asserts that politeness is still necessary. To my knowledge, the latter can hold water. The primary reasons are threefold.

Granted, some may claim we cannot expect people to be polite to others, on account of that most of the people are undertaking a lot of pressure and facing a large amount of issues in their busy daily life, for instance, they need to cope with the complex personal relationships and receive the comments from the others, which means mankind are easy to be upset and distracted in that case. Therefore, it is reasonable to be rude to others. Be that as it may, a closer examination will reveal a crucial fact being overlooked in this case. That is, rather than solving this problem, this behavior is highly likely to cause more harms than benefits per se. To be more specific, people's stressful problems always belong to themselves. That means they should solve them by other ways, such like breeding their own particular habits to relax themselves or talking with their friends, even exercise may be helpful. For that reason, it is evident that human beings cannot be rude to the people around them just because they are facing problems. Thus, it is not an optimistic development that offers long term benefits.

In addition, nowadays ideal relationships between people are pretty vital for personal development, which means the rudeness may leave unfavorable impression to others. To be more specific, it's harmful to sustain friendly connections with other people, and this brings forth the worse of the human personal relations. Additionally, the more accomplishment the society obtain, the more communication and cooperation will exist between the people and, as a result, the more crucial for mankind to extend their social circles. In another word, politeness and preferable personalities are more necessary to get along well with others and meet more friends. This fact further leads to more opportunities, which means people are readily to develop better in the future.

Furthermore, when people are polite to each other, both of them are more likely to sustain enjoyable moods, on account of that the disturbance and the distractions from the bad mood may decline. Hence, their effectiveness may increase. In that case, people will finish their work or study faster than before, and, thus, people may communicate and cooperate even better. What's more, the primary benefit of politeness lies in the improvement of family member's relationships. This owes to that politeness can bring well-found communications and solve some problems between family members, as a direct consequence of that, breeds more harmonious family atmosphere.

To sum up, from what have been discussed above, it is safe to come to a conclusion that politeness between people is necessary.