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Posts by Chan Dara
Name: Chan Dara
Joined: Feb 18, 2016
Last Post: Mar 22, 2016
Threads: 2
Posts: 7  
Likes: 6
From: Cambodia
School: Royal University of Phnom Penh

Displayed posts: 9
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Chan Dara   
Mar 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / My favorite author: J.K.Rowling (nowadays, the best writer) [2]

Hey, Varlamow, That's an interesting topic. Did you come up with the idea by yourself?

I appreciate authors of adventure writings --> I appreciate authors who wrote adventure novel more than any other type of writers.
These days I read Harry Potter, --> These days I am reading Harry Potter
Therefore my favorite writer is --> thus without a doubt my favorite writer is
The Harry Potter is a main writing of J.K.Rowling --> She produced this masterpiece and it remains her top favorite book.
separated to 7 parts --> separated into 7 parts (or sections)
I read a number 2 --> I am currently going through part 2
J.K.Rowling`s second book -- (it can be called part/section/episode, but not "book")
She is known as a writer of --> She was known for her (You have mentioned that a few times already, you probably want to remove this repetition)

Hans Christian Andersen Award or The Edinburg Award -- (suggest to use "and")
her property approximately about 576 million pounds -->the total assessed value of her property was around 576 million pounds
nevertheless she is the first millionaire, who gained ..... --> therefore she is marked as the first ever writer to become a billionaire

I have to go now.
Chan Dara   
Mar 10, 2016
Letters / "Recommendation letter" for employee who wants to pursue his study and need to apply for an award [2]

I am drafting a recommendation letter as I want to apply for scholarship for Master Degree in Health. My boss is a very kind person; he will just agree with and sign whatever I put forward to him. Help me write better, please. I might miss important information that should have been included.

I think the scholarship is looking for following qualities from applicants: leadership, one who drive change, one who contribute to security and economic growth for sustainable development, one who build link between his home the destination country. They will access the applicant for their professional and personal quality, academic competence, and potential impact on development challenges.


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To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to serve as my recommendation for Mr D.C who is under my supervision. For more than seven years, he has been with the XYZ Organization in Cambodia to provide comprehensive support services for HIV/AIDS, Tuberculosis, and Blood Transfusion team which I am currently leading.

During the period, Mr D.C consistently demonstrated a strong work ethic and a dedication to success. His work produced high quality results. He can communicate effectively with our counterparts on daily basis and thus making his support a very valuable part in our effort at providing the Cambodian government with technical and financial assistance. Though Mr D.C is my assistant, he is apparently in an unofficial leadership role. Many of his peers seek his advice and support. He exhibits ... [I tried to find example, like saying "he is always there for them" but it may sound awkward] and is quite comfortable in the role. He is the type of person who is receptive to new ideas and relentlessly seeking opportunities for continuous learning and professional growth.

His strong performance in XYZ Organization is a good indication of how he would perform in other places and I highly recommend him for any endeavor he chooses to pursue.

If I can be of any further assistance, or provide you with any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

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Imaging you are the selection committee, what do you think about the quality of the letter after reading it:
- Mediocre letter: Nobody write an outright bad letter of recommendation, but experienced person will know that this letter was produced for the sake of an employee's request. So it's bad in my opinion.

- Good letter: It might not show anything exceptional about the person. But it may actually help.
- Outstanding letter: We should aim for this one, please help.

Chan Dara   
Mar 3, 2016
Undergraduate / How I see myself in next 10-years? [3]

...kids always think about how would their future would be like
...people could can change their mind
...what they used to think to what they are thinking about. suggest: from what they used to think when they were young.
Firstly, how do I see myself in the next 10 years?
I have a lot of goals wishes and hopes. suggest: I have a lot of wishes and dreams.
I wouldwill be 30-years-old in next 10 years. (this sentence is not a hypothesis)
If it is possible...
I would let them live wherever they wanted to live but our hearts would not be apart. (you can explain who are "them". Your future kids?)

Secondly, at 30 years of age, I will be able to make my own decision in my life, unlike these days. (uhh, reduce the number to 18, trust me)

I would have gotten married
who has been there for getting through the hard times with me... suggest: A person who always stands by me through difficult times
...who would backpack and travel with me to wherever ...
Next, we can not tell how our lives will be like in next days. suggest: None of us knows what lies in store for us tomorrow

No matter what,(use a comma here)
the journey it takes to reach our goals... suggest: the journey that will lead us to our goals

If this essay is for your classroom study, the content is ok. However, it you are applying for job or scholarship, you will seriously have to change the content. They want to see your long-term goal (specific achievement, career plan, ambition, etc) in the next 10 years. But we are not worry about them now, right? :)
Chan Dara   
Mar 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: total population of old people in three different countries [5]

Hi, mita23, your essay is superb.
I imagine if people can write such essay in a limited time frame with only pencil, eraser, and paper, they will at lease get band 8.

Normally in the first paragraph, it should be more about the general overview of the graph/image and less about figure. And you did it nicely. I couldn't have done any better.
Chan Dara   
Feb 23, 2016
Graduate / SoP - Masters of Technology Entrepreneurship and Innovation [3]

Hi, natcracker. I'm no good at writing myself but i'll try.
I think it would be nice if you can connect each experience and skill you earn with the community development (like why this skill/experience could be benefit to others, how it can contribute, what problem you want to solve). You did mention it nicely in your first and last paragraph. But I don't see it in the other paragraphs.
Chan Dara   
Feb 18, 2016
Scholarship / Essay for scholarship award for a university in Australia - convincing government to give support [7]

Hello there. This is my essay to convince Australian government to give financial support for my proposed study at one university in their country (Maximum 400 words). I have to propose two universities but must eventually choose one. Please help on how to write better. Thank you.

Q: How did you choose your proposed subject and university?

Public Health is the most relevant subject of study to my current profession. So preparing for advancement in my organisation by seeking to broaden my knowledge and skill set is my top priority. The course will equip me with the knowledge related to foundation in public health practice, health administration, health policy, social causes of health and disease in populations. The objective of the course is to promote health and well-being of entire communities, not just on individual patients, through prevention of disease and injury. I as well as my organization aware that we need to continually adapt and evolve in our role to remain effective and relevant to the country need, if I want to take part in solving the health challenge or thread at present and in the future. Knowing that what I will be doing would improve the lives of others is so satisfying. These are the main reasons I wholeheartedly sought after this course.

The two highest-ranking universities in Australia are Australian National University (ANU) and the University of Melbourne. Apparently, the two are among the world's very best universities. Both were cited for their excellent quality of the academic facilities (e.g. library, laboratories, IT room). Besides "Health & Medical Studies" is one of their strong academic areas. Most important of all, their outstanding course content and teaching criteria are the main factor for my selection.

University of Melbourne was praised for the opportunity that students are exposed to the theory and real practice. Students can also choose to specialise in one or more of the advanced public health training key areas (e.g. Sexual Health, Epidemiology & Biostatistics, etc.). The professors are highly experience and knowledgeable in this field. Similarly, Australian National University (ANU) is great and is unique for its top-grade Research and Development program, for instance, medical research. Also ANU leaves it optional for student to take breadth subjects. ANU regularly prepares student led seminars where leadership skills are developed and we can share what we know among ourselves throughout the years.

With all the above strengths, having the chance to study at either one is a perfect opportunity.