Writing Feedback / TED Summary - The Internet Secret [4]

What do you mean by "confide citizens the concealed data despite obliging the USA government to not access the privacy of internet users"?

Undergraduate / I was excited to learn about the Liberal Studies Core Program at NYU. "Why NYU" Writing Supplement [5]

Hi, @lillianasss.

What you have written is good; however, in answering this simple question (i.e., Why NYU), you may want to elaborate on your responses at greater length or develop a different idea. Try to explicate your excitement in the most creative way possible. Here are some questions to address in your next draft:

(1) How will you take advantage of the global network?
(2) What clubs do you want to get involved in?
(3) What do you want to study?

By the way, you have already done a great job of not talking about New York City (NYC). Keep it that way.

Should you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask.

Writing Feedback / Many people have an unhealthy diet and do not take enough exercise. What do you think are the reason [4]

Hi, @sfahad284. In addition to what JackieG said, I recommend that you revise the following sentences, as they are the hardest to read:

(1) The major group which comes under this problem ... These groups are like to eat fast readymade items, hygienic ...

(2) We can use fruits and vegies in routine diet which are ...

(3) Gym and training are best solutions ... There are things such as cycling and treadling ...

(4) It is medically approved that physical exercises ... It is commonly observe that until age of 30, the above ...

(5) We lost money and become poor but we can achieve it ...

Consider making these sentences more concise. That should improve the overall readability of your essay. Moreover, before you submit your essay, double check it for any spelling errors--for example, you wrote vegies instead of veggies.

Writing Feedback / The chart below gives data about the proportion of people who used the Internet from 1998 to 2000 [3]

Hi, huyentrang970423. I recommend that you revise the following sentences, as they are the hardest to read:

(1) It is clear that the internet is popular among the 16 to 50 years ...

(2) People from 31 to 50 years old were 41% of total internet users, ...

(3) A similar trend was seen in the 31 to 50-year-old people, the number ...

You may also want to pay attention to spacing. Don't insert a space between a word and a comma/period.

Writing Feedback / DO YOU AGREE THAT THE STUDY OF MATHEMATICS IS ESSENTIAL TO THE PROGRESS OF HUMAN RACE? [4]

Hi, phamlethutrang99. I recommend that you revise the following sentences:

(1) Were not to be for Mathematics, ...

(2) The marvelous appearance of numbers of ...

(3) If Mathematics did not exist, there were ...

(4) Therefore, they are able to predict what will ...

Overall, these are probably the most difficult sentences to read. Try shortening them without losing your message. You may also want to cut down on your use of adverbs (i.e., words that end in "ly"). Please let me know whether you have any questions.

Writing Feedback / Help Performing Marker's Revisions on Advertisement Analysis Essay [3]

I enjoyed editing one of your paragraphs. You have a lot of good material. Here are a few suggestions to improve the overall unity and coherence of your essay:

Why did this company lure its audience with a competitive interplay of time and moneyinvoke competition between money and time to ? Unfolded, the ad uses pathos by speaking to society's resilient cultural constructions, keenly known to new adults, defining a good life as consisting of two discrete and paradoxical categories -- , at once opposed and unified the money made and time spent making it -- and of all the relations between the two asthrough an inherent psychological battle for dominance in the observer's brain . This can be seen in the visually competitive framework of the ad when it isnot folded out[Unfolded? Relocated to beginning.] . The stern message ofMoreover, "Remember: Money is everything in life" is contrasted with a collection of clock parts (London). This visual competitionvisually competitive framework speaks to the cultural realities enacted in daily lifeof consumers' everyday lives; that is,, where abstract ideals of time spent on 'what matters' are continuously accosted by the necessity for money to do 'what matters.'(i) [I like your point here. It reads well.]Given thisSuch a dichotomy compelsthere is a clear need of the advertiser for the viewerobserver to only consider only these two choices, which is furtherreflectedreinforced byin the strategic use of background colours of the ad . Black and a whitish cream, with a strategically absent gray. No wiggle room; just a binary set of culturally infused ideas: Black and white with no gray scale.This approach draws in viewers and starts a slow stream of questions and intrigue.

Graduate / Motivation Letter for Master Degree admission; could anybody review it and help to make it shorter? [12]

I recommend the first version. It has what the second version lacks: Unity and coherence. Before I start suggesting areas to cut off, could you please tell me the minimum/maximum word count? (You mentioned that your letter needs to be shortened.)

Graduate / I have been motivated to focus on education field since I was in junior high school; SOP for Master [3]

Could you please provide the prompt?

Graduate / MIT Sloan Master of Finance Essay - Relevant details, such as awards, rankings, and media references [16]

Excellent job. Much of what you need to write a good essay is already here. Here's an example of what I'm referring to when I say unity. Please keep in mind that this is only an example of how I took pieces of your essay and unified them into a simple narrative. It took only a few minutes out of my day, so it's far from perfect.

My ability to succeed professionally in my field requires not only a solid quantitative foundation but also a well-developed understanding of finance and economics. As an inductee of the International Honors Program (IHP) at Stanford University and a Summa Cum Laude Graduate from the University of Iceland, I have worked tirelessly to master the technical skills of an investor and the in-depth understanding of a leader by working alongside fund management entrepreneurs like Dr. Alex Gould and Dr. Peter Woehrmann who helped deepen my knowledge of bond pricing, derivatives, and financial markets. In 2016 I put into practice this newly acquired expertise to my senior thesis titled "The Icelandic Financial Crisis," which garnered a favorable response from my professors. In addition to awarding me the highest grade of any other thesis, they also submitted it for publication to the global academic and trade company Palgrave Macmillan.

However, my success is not limited to academic achievements. In fact, ...

Graduate / MIT Sloan Master of Finance Essay - Relevant details, such as awards, rankings, and media references [16]

PS: YOU DON'T NECESSARILY HAVE TO START OVER. I'M SIMPLY SUGGESTING THAT YOU RE-WRITE EACH PARAGRAPH IN A WAY THAT BRINGS EVERYTHING TOGETHER.

Graduate / MIT Sloan Master of Finance Essay - Relevant details, such as awards, rankings, and media references [16]

- I graduated (...) with a goodwell-developed understanding of economics and ...

- My favorite subjects- alongside (...) microeconomics- included derivatives, ...

- ... passion for asset management [...] on the subject after ...

GOOD. HOWEVER, IF I MAY MAKE A SUGGESTION, THE FIRST PARAGRAPH SEEMS TO JUMP FROM ONE TOPIC TO THE NEXT-THAT IS, IT LACKS UNITY. BY UNIFYING YOUR IDEAS, YOU MAKE IT EASIER FOR THE READER TO FOLLOW ALONG WITH WHAT YOU'RE SAYING. I, AS THE READER, CAN EXPECT THAT THIS PARTICULAR PARAGRAPH (OR ANY OTHER PARAGRAPH FOR THAT MATTER) WILL DEAL WITH ONLY ONE MAIN TOPIC. AND WHEN YOU START A NEW PARAGRAPH, THAT TELLS ME YOU'RE MOVING TO A NEW TOPIC. DO THIS WITH THE REMAINING PARAGRAPHS (I.E., DESCRIBE, EXPLAIN, AND SUPPORT A SINGLE TOPIC SENTENCE). IF YOU NEED FURTHER CLARIFICATION, PLEASE LET ME KNOW.

... International Honors Pr ogram based on

Graduate / MIT Sloan Master of Finance Essay - Relevant details, such as awards, rankings, and media references [16]

Perhaps what you're missing is an answer to the following: Share personal qualities that will enable you to contribute to the advancement of our mission. What is their mission?You could address this in one or two sentences, more specifically in the final paragraph.

I graduated at the top of my Economics class at the University of Iceland , developing a strong quantitative skillset andwith a good understanding of the fundamentals of economics and finance. Besides"BESIDES" MAY NOT BE THE RIGHT WORD TO USE HERE intermediate macro- and microeconomic theories I enjoyed learning aboutreveled in derivatives, bonds markets,I PERSONALLY PREFER THE SERIAL COMMA and time series analysie s using ARMA- and ARCH/GARCH models. I first realized that I wanted to pursue a career inmy passion for asset management after I had taken classes at Stanford University in 2014 taught by professors with real professional experience . Professor Alex Gould, who taught me Financial Economics, ran his own venture capital fund in Silicon Valley, and Professor Peter Woehrmann, who taught me Investment Science, ran his own hedge fund. Their expertise and insights inspired me to take every available finance electivewhen I returned home . GOOD PARAGRAPH; HOWEVER, THERE ARE TWO THINGS TO CONSIDER: (1) DID THEY INSPIRE YOU TO TAKE ONLY FINANCE CLASSES, OR DID THEY HAVE A BIGGER INFLUENCE ON YOUR LIFE BESIDES TAKING CLASSES (I.E., SHORT AND LONG-TERM GOALS), AND (2) YOU NEVER MENTIONED THAT YOU HAD LEFT HOME, SO CONCLUDING WITH "WHEN I RETURNED HOME" FEELS OUT OF PLACE CHRONOLOGICALLY .

The Uu niversity'sdecision to nominated me for Stanford's International Honors Pr ogram was based on my academic performanceMOVE THIS TO THE BEGINNING OF THE SENTENCE . Among my peers, I have consistently been amongstrank in the top 95th-90thBE MORE PRECISE; IF YOU'RE NOT SURE, USE 93 AS THE AVERAGE. DOING SO SAVES VALUABLE WORD COUNT percentile in courses on finance, mathematics, and econometrics, besides receiving the highest grade for my Bachelor's thesis on the global hedge funds who invaded Iceland's economy"BESIDES" MAY NOT BE APPROPRIATE HERE. MOREOVER, THIS SECTION OF TEXT CAN BE ON ITS OWN, SEPARATE FROM THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE . The results were compelling enough to be included in a book written by my instructors, "The Icelandic Financial Crisis, ",a work created by my instructors and published by Palgrave Macmillan in late 2016. BY INSTRUCTORS, DO YOU MEAN DR. GOULD AND DR. WOEHRMANN?

CHRONOLOGICALLY SPEAKING, THE PREVIOUS PARAGRAPH REFERS TO SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED IN 2016 AND THE ONE FOLLOWING CITES AN EVENT THAT OCCURED IN 2015. ANOTHER SUGGESTION FOR IMPROVEMENT IS TO REARRANGE THE SENTENCES/PARAGRAPHS SO THAT YOUR ESSAY STARTS FROM THE EARLIEST AND FOLLOWS THE ORDER IN WHICH EACH EVENT OCCURRED.

In 2015 I was offeredaccepteda job as athe position of journalist at Iceland's leading business newspaper, Viđskiptablađiđ, without even applying, asAlthough I did not formally apply for a job, the publisher was impressed withhired me based on my workperformance as editor of the annual university's Journal of Economics. *** The journalpublicationreceivedmuch applause andearnedwon a historical $10,000 profit through advertisement revenue. ***THIS PART MAY NEED FURTHER REVISING SINCE IT IS NOT CLEAR WHETHER YOU HAD ANY ROLE TO PLAY IN THIS HISTORIC EVENT. ENSURE THAT THIS SENTENCE CLEARLY CONNECTS TO THE FOLLOWING SENTENCES --> This experience helped me developREVISE strong leadership skills as I had to make sure articles were submitted on time and advertisement deals were closed. As a journalist I've gained invaluable insight into the world of business and finance [by interviewing some of Iceland's most prominent figures in finance, business and politics, such as the Minister of Finance, the president of the Central Bank and numerous CEOs]CONSIDER PUTTING THIS SECTION OF TEXT AT THE FRONT OF THIS SENTENCE , besides performing thorough analyses oncritically analyzing the Icelandic economy and markets. <--REVISE THIS SENTENCE FURTHERThrough my work I've developed strong critical thinking skills and learned to better handle stressful situations.THIS SENTENCE DOES NOT SEEM TO CONNECT TO THE REST OF THE PARAGRAPH; CONSIDER DELETING IT OR FINDING A WAY TO FIT IT IN.

I see the MFin program asIS a crucial step intoward my academic and professional careergoals . Following my graduation I hope to get a positionplan to work at a leading asset (...) start my own fund, perhapsback in Iceland. I value the program's flexibility andmanythe chanceopportunities to learnstudyfrom the pioneers of modern finance theory from pioneersin person, such as Robert Merton and Andrew Lo to name a few,

*** make itMIT my absolute first choice.
I believe I have the qualities (...) of this program, but more importantlyalso be an active member of the MIT Sloan community. ***YOUR ESSAY CONTINUES TO IMPROVE. CONSIDER REVISING THE FINAL PARAGRAPH FURTHER. TRY TO INTEGRATE ONLY THE ESSENTIALS SO THAT YOUR DESIRE TO ATTEND MIT IS UNEQUIVOCALLY CLEAR TO ADMISSIONS. IN ADDITION, YOU MAY WANT TO REFINE THE CHRONOLOGICAL ORGANIZATION OF YOUR ESSAY.

Graduate / MIT Sloan Master of Finance Essay - Relevant details, such as awards, rankings, and media references [16]

@afe9

You're welcome. The inordinate amount of feedback was to help you weed out the nonessentials. You should now be able to revise and make your 500-word essay more compelling.

Graduate / MIT Sloan Master of Finance Essay - Relevant details, such as awards, rankings, and media references [16]

I achieved my goal of graduating at the top of my classWHAT WAS YOUR EXACT RANK? SPECIFICITY PREFERRED. from a rigorous programWHO OR WHAT DESCRIBED YOUR PROGRAM AS RIGOROUS? BE SPECIFIC. , acquiring a strong quantitive skillsetSPELLING ERROR and a good understanding of the fundamentals of economics and financeHOW SO? .

..., where I got to experience the benefits of studying at a distinguished educational institutionWHOM DID YOU STUDY WITH? WHAT NOTABLE THING DID YOU LEARN? . I feel more than adaquetlySPELLING ERROR prepared for the MIT MFin program having taken STEM-level Linear Algebra and Probability&Statistics courses, two econometrics courses, three mathematics courses and almost every available finance electiveGOOD. YOU GAVE SPECIFICS. HOWEVER, DOUBLE CHECK GRAMMAR, SPELLING, AND PUNCTUATION. . A

... after graduation by taking graduate courses in Financial Mathematics and Statistics alongside programming coursesWHERE? FOR HOW LONG? .
... suggested background and I believe that I've (...) as engineering majorsSUPPORT THIS CLAIM WITH EVIDENCE .
... finest achievements and the results were published in a book written by my professorsGOOD. IT'S ONE THING TO SAY YOU CONSIDER YOUR THESIS A GREAT ACHIEVEMENT; IT'S ANOTHER TO HAVE YOUR PROFESSORS PUBLISH IT. IN WHICH JOURNAL(S) WAS YOUR THESIS PUBLISHED? PROVIDE THESE SORTS OF DETAILS. MAKE SURE YOUR PROFESSORS NOTE THAT IN THEIR LETTERS OF RECOMMENDATION .

... world of business and finance as a journalist for Iceland's leading business newspaper, ViđskiptablađiđGOOD. FOR HOW LONG WERE YOU THERE? .
... was impressed with my work as editor of the annual magazine of my university's Economics studentsGOOD. FOR HOW LONG? . I've enjoyed the privelegeSPELLING ERROR of interviewing some of Iceland's most prominent figures in financeWHO? WHEN? , business and politics (...) and stock market CITE SPECIFICS.

... and my aim is to work in asset management after graduationWHERE? .
... experience back home and help develop my country's financial marketVAGUE. REQUIRES MORE DETAIL.

The program is more diverse and flexible than a financial engineering programHOW SO? , the faculty is outstanding and many courses seem tailored to my ambitionsWHO IN PARTICULAR IS OUTSTANDING? . The proseminar in capital markets and finance research practicum provide a precious opportunity to bridge the gap between academics and practiceGOOD. and I'm fascinated by the student clubsWHICH CLUBS? , where I'll undoubtedly ...

... it's essential for the financial sector to regain people's trustWHY DO YOU FEEL THIS WAY? .
... hopefully I can share my unique perspective with my classmatesWHAT UNIQUE PERSPECTIVE ARE YOU REFERRING TO? .

Writing Feedback / All university students should take basic science courses regardless of their field of study. [3]

Blue indicates a suggestion to revise what's written. Here are a few suggestions:

... in their field study; [Insert Comma Instead of Semicolon] I am of the opinion ...

... may shed some lights on this point, ...
...knowledge in basic science especially mathematics is indispensable in our career, because, the lowest mistake ...[The arguments and claims you provide in this paragraph can be improved.]

Awareness of basic science (...) and make an effort to resolve them. [How so?]
... would have a detrimental impacteffect on life satisfaction.
[You have not provided evidence to support this claim.]
For instance, my mother usagesuses her chemical science knowledge in the cooking to enhance ...
InOn the other hand, (...) to reduce the financial risk with accurate calculation. [What do you mean by "financial risk"?]

Writing Feedback / During 1995-2010, the number of international visitors in USA, Brazil, Egypt and Malaysia increased [3]

Blue indicates a suggestion to revise what's written. Here are a few suggestions:

... number of foreigners visiting five different ...

..., Egypt and Malaysia hadve the same trends. Brazil and Egypt stood at below 10 millions in 1995 while Malaysia started two times higher than them in the same time . The number of travell ers in Brazil and Egypt experienced same number in 1997.

... of tourist arrivals at 20 millions in 2010. Meanwhile, the number of travellers tovisited Malaysia higher than Egypt (...) and it achieved the top ...

Another country, France, had a significant increase by 60 million ...
... in 2005 and raised the peak at 87 millions in 2010.
... from 1995 to 2010 and raised its highest number was 90 millions in 2006.

Writing Feedback / Opinion Editorial - The Rise of a Phoenix [9]

Good afternoon, LLAMAGOD. I like the energy in your writing. You're passionate, and you care about your audience deeply. However, in a few parts, I found myself struggling to keep up. If you were to shorten your sentences, I suspect that the overall flow of your analysis will improve. Below are suggestions for addressing that and other issues. I hope you find them helpful.


Suggestion: Replace with op-ed article.


Suggestion: Shorten or break these ideas into two sentences.


Suggestion: Delete that.


Suggestion: Delete one or two adjectives.


Suggestion: Delete comma.


Suggestion: Rewrite as successfully.


Suggestion: Rewrite as backstory.


Suggestion: Delete phrase or rewrite.


Suggestion: Delete honorable.


Suggestion: Replace with lowercase c.


Suggestion: Replace or with and.


Suggestion: Delete phrase or rewrite. Could you please clarify your meaning here?


Suggestion: Shorten or break these ideas into several sentences.


Suggestion: Perhaps you could cite examples of his "short burst style of writing" somewhere before this sentence.


Suggestion: Rewrite or delete several adjectives. Here, it may help to be concise.



Suggestion: Shorten or break these ideas into several sentences.

Writing Feedback / The percentage of kinds of transport used and the reasoning behind the use of a vehicle in Edmonton [3]

Good afternoon, PEBZNA12. Thank you for sharing your analysis. I enjoyed reading it. To improve the flow of the first paragraph, I made a few revisions. Please keep in mind that these are only suggestions. I hope you find them helpful.

The givenfollowing chart shows the information on thedisplayspercentageof kinds of transport usedpreferred means of transportation , in percent . andT he table indicatesbelow quantifies the various reasons why citizens drive their cars.the reasoning behind the use of car in the city by people who lives in Edmonton . Based on the numerical data,Overall, it can be seen that carsbecomesare the most favorabletransport used by peoplecommonly used in Edmonton.

Research Papers / The Problem with Polygamy in the United States [3]

Good morning, CWETTER94. Very, very interesting essay! Thank you for sharing it. I made a few revisions to improve the flow of your introduction. I hope you find these suggestions helpful.

Polygamy is becoming a more ofa widespread problem with in the United States. Polygamy is the "state of marriage to many spouses"(Insert a statistic to support your claim and to transition into the next sentence.) There are three different kinds of polygamy:Polyamory, polyandry, and polygyny . Polyamory ( also called non-monogamy) is whendefined asyou area person in multiple relationshipswith any kind of gender. Polyandry, which is less common,is wheninvolves a woman haswithmore than onemultiple husbands . Polygyny, on the other hand,is the opposite ofcontrasts polygyny it is whenin that it constitutes a man has more than onewith multiple wives (Webster). (This citation is peculiar. Could you please clarify whether you used this source to define all three terms?)

In the past,most families typically hidthe fact that they live atheir polygamous/polyamorous lifestyle, mostly out of fear of retribution(citation recommended) . (Could you please clarify what you mean by this? What sort of retribution are you referring to?)HoweverBut nowadayspolygamysociety hasis becomeing more accepting of polygamy in all its forms , resulting in opportunities for manyand families are comingto step out of the shadowsout of hiding .

This is leavinghas left America with one overriding question:S hould it legalize polygamy be legal within the United States ?