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Posts by Jettypile
Name: Omar Kurosu Jalil
Joined: Aug 27, 2016
Last Post: Aug 27, 2016
Threads: -
Posts: 9  
Likes: 3
From: United Arab Emirates
School: International School of Choueifat Sharjah

Displayed posts: 9
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Jettypile   
Aug 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Are parents supposed to teach proper social behavior to their children? [2]

Hi
Nice essay i just made a few changes
"supposed to teachproper social behavior to their children"
"teach children about this issue"
"schools have the same essential role in educating on how to be a good member of society to children."

"broaden child's horizon"
"Indonesia authority utilizes a rigorous regulation"

"This subject is concerned with creating
"implement behavior and e ffective"
"Parents lead an pivotal
"other, being generous, showing empathy,and smiling "
"can teach about by giving the exampleobservation "

Your conclusion is fine but a few mistakes such as using is instead of in when saying " their children is society" and "good memberS of society".Also your first sentence of your conclusion confuses me as i dont understand what you are trying to say by "take into account of society education "
Jettypile   
Aug 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Metamorphosis of Silkworm and Process of Producing Silk Cloth [3]

These are two diagrams which are related to how the silkworm lives and how silk is harvested from it.
... illustrations use the cocoon as a main point.

In the first life cycle of silkworm, the female silkworm lays eggs on to a mulberry leaf. 10 days later, eggs would hatch to reveal larvae. Later on, the larva eats the leaf of mulberry.

It takes 4-6 weeks for their bodies to be almost completely enclosed by silk thread. After 3-8 days of eating and silk production, the whole body will be covered by silk thread.

In the next 16 days, the cocoon would break and a moth would appear. This complete process is called metamorphosis.

In the cocoon stage, there can be an interrupt process, where a cocoon is taken as a material to create silk cloth. This is shown in the second picture. It begins from selecting the cocoon . Then it will be boiled in water. The boiling step will be stopped when the size of the cocoon doubles in size. The next process is called unwinding. The cocoon is unraveled and about 300-900 meters of silk is harvested. Finally, the line is washed in dye or it can be dyed after the line is weaved.

Note i rewrote your entire essay.Compare yours to mine as i have mostly corrected grammar and replaced a few words.I recommend to keep my changes in mind and write an entirely new draft
Jettypile   
Aug 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / The events of 2016 may seem bleak, but the study of history offers some context [4]

Don't say "This is a summary of an article" it makes the reader/corrector feel bored already
Start by your second sentence.
"An article written by .... was posted on ......"
When you say original title what is the new one ?
Ill stick to the fact that this was the original title and say this "The original title WAS ".......".Your whole sentence was pretty much a quotation. Either remove the sentence or develop on it.

your 3rd sentence is good but few grammar mistakes
"2016 has been riddled with bad incidents all over the globe and ,as a result, the media statement ""it is much worse year in the history of the world" has been coined.

Your media statement quote is grammatically wrong but i hope its a proper quote i will leave it but if it isnt this is more suitable " It has been the worst year in the history of mankind"

The statement is reasonable has some truth to it ,as ,because there are many ugly incidents that have influenced human movement pattern such as the ...... and others .

Historical research HAS found that the social media's statement is similar to a historical record in 1347 about the Black Death.It was also considered the worst year in human history because continental population was rapidly reduced over a three year period.However in the same year the Europeans had managed to spread peace,art,and scientific innovation. recommend replacing it with what you wrote as it is more clear and concise

note : I completely rewrote some sentences not as a permanent solution but a suggestion and i recommend you writing your own and using mine as model.
Jettypile   
Aug 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Children attitude depends on parents or teacher? [3]

Ill mostly just correct grammar or improve sentences. Blue means what i added

that childrena child's attitude isthe responsibility ofthe parents.
"think schoolthink that school is the place to shape a child's manners.

" However I stand in both of sides, but it cannot be separated from the role of government." by this sentence i suppose you disagree or agree with both as " I stand in both of sides" is grammatically incorrect.I cant change it because I don't yet understand the stance you take .I dont understand what you mean by " cannot be separated from the role of government"

"Whole life of children"--> A child's whole life...
You may notice im using child a lot instead of children.it sounds cleaner and it still refers to the average daily life of children aka still general.

"Before they are growing into the school ..." nice statement meh wording can be compressed into
"Before they enter school, most children are supervised by their parents or other guardians.The parents had taken the responsibility of caring and teacher a child since he was born." I recommend not to copy this word by word as it doesn't stick well with the whole essay.Its just an example on how you can fix it.

"Parent, father and mother should explain the way how..." Nice statement.Confusing wording.-->

"Parents should teach their children important values such as politeness. The general public point fingers at bad parenting when a child is being impolite.For example, a child taking in a loud and arrogant manner would make observers think that his parents are also brutish and arrogant."

" In other hand, the role of teacher in enlightening ... "

I reworded and corrected it into
"On the other hand, the role of a teacher is to educate not only about academics but to enlighten their students on proper behavior.They reward good behavior and correct bad behavior. This allows their students to act in a good manner out in the public.In my country , there is a subject that takes care of this,it i called the 'kewarganegaraan'.It means citizenship and teachers of this subject talk about morals and social behavior."

"In conclusion, the way to make children become ..."

Nice idea for a conclusion but needs grammar fixing.
"In conclusion,the proper way to make children become useful members of a society is to teach them proper manners and social behaviors.Children must be taught not only by their parents but also their teachers as only a combination will truly allow a student to learn proper behaviors."

Last note: I did not change the meaning of your paragraphs but you need to clarify what you are talking about.Some points are contradicting or not even mentioned.For example you talked about government intervention but wrote only 1 line about it.Add more ideas and refine your sentences to write an excellent essay.
Jettypile   
Aug 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Cocoon can produce 300 - 900 metres of thread. Life cycle Of silkworms / steps to produce silk cloth [3]

From the few essays ive read on the topic you all use the same introduction.I recommend changing it if you want to stand out

" The cycle begins "
" The first diagram elaborates..." I recommend replacing elaborate with another word
"In this stage,"
"Larva makes silk..." You already defined larva as your subject in your prev sentence so you can replace Larva with a pronoun[it]

"After 10 days later ," saying later is repetitive as you have already said "After 10 days"
"The fourthstage,The silk is arranged into a cocoon and the larva will ...... into a moth within 3 to 8 days.

"The second diagram shows how silk cloth is made."
"Firstly, it needs to select theA cocoon from the fourth stage of silkworm's life cycleis selected . Secondly, the cocoon isplaced in boiling water."

"The last step" --> Lastly,
"However, it needs another dyeing before cloth ready to use."--> However it still needs another round of dyeing before the cloth is ready for use.
Jettypile   
Aug 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Parents have responsibility to teach children respectable attitude to live in society [2]

"parents have the responsibility
"teachtheirchildren"
I will be honest here i did not understand what you were trying to say with "respectable attitude to live in society" so im not going to change it.

" that school is competent to do this duty" saying this sounds like you are bashing on schools.I would rephrase it to "that schools are able to provide this service to children."

"In my view" --> In my opinion,
"become good members of community" good sounds too meh of a word to use i would recommend replacing it ex: useful
I understand that you are siding with parents should play a larger role.
"However, I believe parents have more essential role to accomplish this goal due to a main reason that parents have to teach children in early years." Needs some tweaking --> "As parents have taught their children since their early years , I believe that parents should play a larger role in helping their children to develop friendly attitudes and, as a result ,become [insert synonym of good as i hate saying good] members of society.

"They have been supposed to put some essential value such ability to co-operate with others, and responsibility in their kids as their preceding years" Nice idea meh wording --> "They are supposed to nurture their children to develop friendly personalities and habits such as the ability to tolerate and work together with their peers." I removed the second half as i did not understand its purpose.

I will write a second response on the 2nd half later
Jettypile   
Aug 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / The common silkworm's life cycle and how silk cloth is harvested from them [4]

Introduction could use a rework.

Adding a few words can make a huge improvement.
The diagram process illustrates the common silkworm's life cycle and how silk cloth is harvested from them.Overall there are 4 main stages for a silkworm:[Insert 4 stages ex: larvae , pupae].The silk harvesting begins in the cocoon stage and the harvested silk strands are turned into cloth.
Jettypile   
Aug 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / School and parent, two important things that influence character of children [5]

Rephrasing "Children is a hope for a nation's future" to Today's children are essential for a nation's tomorrow.

"It is essential to form a good personality for them " It is essential to allow children to develop healthy personalities....

" First, the parent have to be a good role model ..." I would recommend rephrasing it to something like
"Firstly,The parents have and important role to play by teaching them what can and cannot be done,how to act politely,and also to assist others."

"their student to make a good habit" --> their students to develop good habits

"behaving discipline, loving their friends and so on" Dont say "and so on" end it like "behaving in an appropriate manner,and caring for their friends"

"school and parents can communicate each other and discuss about their children" This sentence states that school has children.Rephrase it to
"The parents can work with the school to think of ideas which would benefit their children"

All in all its a good essay BUT it can become a great essay by using better diction , improving grammar ,and utilizing expressions
I did not take into consideration the arguments points but from what i can understand you may need to tweak your bodyparagraphs to stay concise and to the point. My strategy is P.E.E Point Example Explain

Anyways good luck.