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Posts by daya93
Name: Daya Cipta
Joined: Aug 30, 2016
Last Post: Sep 5, 2016
Threads: 4
Posts: 6  
Likes: 1
From: Indonesia
School: ES

Displayed posts: 10
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daya93   
Sep 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / Formal Education for 4 Years Old Children - is it too soon? [3]

It is an inevitable situation that formal education now become such an urge during children's grow up stage. Many people think that parents should be as soon as possible to sent their children into school, while other said that there is no need to force children attend formal education until seven or eight years old. This essay will cover those both point of views and decided what system should be a better alternative for children.

People who stand in argument that children should enter formal education earlier believe that formal education is important to give more learning experiences. When children start their kindergarten stage at four years old, they can be taught by professional teacher and system. Children also learn to survive in new social environment and have interaction with their peers. Earlier formal education such as playgroup or kindergarten will prepare children to settle in study activities routine before they are ready for elementary school.

On the contrary, there are people who believe that children are better to follow formal education while they are reached seven or eight years old. They said that before seven or eight years old, it is rhe curcial time for children to grow up and parents should take full of control. Children needs to more play and learn their closes environment instead of study in class everyday.

All in all, I covered that earlier formal education is much far better for children on account they ought to gain more learning experiences. Although, parents control is still needed during children activities in their early period of grown up.
daya93   
Sep 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / Style is an attribute which has become a distinctive for sustainability. [2]

Hi Hailun,

I think your essay apparently out of topic. The question is purposed to cover whether (I will paraphrase to make those more clear:

1. Fashion items cost too much money , in other words fashion often put some unreasonable price. in body paragraph 1, you discussed a lot about high cost fashion and altered identity. You should put more coherence supporting points, such as the reason WHY people thought that fashion is sometimes not affordable.

2. It is tolerable since fashion became important part of people life. Body paragraph 1 actually can cover this arguments, and please note for body paragraph 2 is really lack of coherence for your whole essay.
daya93   
Sep 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / Reasons to start a business. Entrepreneurs concentrate only on making money - IELTS Task 2 [2]

Hi, roommate!

Your introduction is quite captivating, you only should add a thesis statement to make clear in what stance your essay is supposed to. Thus, I ought to suggest you to write clear topic sentences in each body paragraph, apparently there are none of those, instead you started from supporting points.

Without topic sentence your essay would be easier to get over the topic. Anyway, to make you get along with disagree/agree essay model, my suggestion is try to built this formula for body paragraphs:

Topic sentence (agree/disagree statement) + supporting point 1,2,3.... (which means the reasons why people agree/disagree) + explanation + examples (if needed)

Good luck and don't forget to sleep well during IELTS preparation months, as I read somewhere sufficient time for sleep will endure your REM to work optimal, you will be easier to memorize patterns and vocabs those you've learned.
daya93   
Sep 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Sydney has more hours on daylight (2.473 hours) and it's more than twice comparing to London (1.180) [3]

The graph and table below show the average monthly temperatures and the average number of hours of sunshine per year in three major cities.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph and table below provide information about the degree level of weather in London, New York and Sydney per month and total time of sunny days for a year which measured by hours. Overall, according to the data, London and New York have similar weather in winter time. Even though London is the city with least hours of sunshine as compared with two others cities.

In months with cold temperature, which started from November, both New York and Sydney are on the same temperatures, these cities were getting colder than previous eight months. They are on around 10 degrees on November, but New York becomes colder by 5 degrees Celsius than London in December. As the opposite, Sydney has very warm weather in November to March, its temperature remain steady around 25 degrees Celsius.

The summer time is peaked on July in London and New York, the latest reached highest temperature during a year on 30 Celsius degree. On the other hand, Sydney on July face its lowest temperature which on more than 15 Celsius degree, less by around 10 degree than in London. Though, Sydney has more hours on daylight (2.473 hours) double that London whose only 1.180 hours of sunny day.




daya93   
Sep 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / The three diagrams below illustrates the development of West Park Secondary School Area [NEW]

West Park Secondary School map. The building experienced a significant change from 1950 to 2010.

The three diagrams below illustrates the development of West Park Secondary School Area, since it was built in 1950. Overall, we can see from the diagrams that there were several changes in open area, for instance farmland, sport fields and playground.

In 1950, school area located besides residents area with farmland and playground were behind those buildings. For the next thirty years, West Park Secondary School expanded its area by adding car park and science block building at the places where citizens' houses used to be there. In the same years, the sports field had been built next to the playground. Farmland were not exist anymore in 1980.

Three decades later, needs of parking lot were increased and took a whole park of sports field for its expansion. Therefore, place where students play with their peers became narrowed, because of a half of its area had been built for the sports field.




daya93   
Sep 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing IELTS task 2 : People still can be fashionable without spending much money [4]

Hi neighbor,

Your essay is quite good but I think you should to add topic sentences into each body paragraph.I ought recommend you to use this trick for your IELTS task 2:

1 Make an outline first for your first 10 minutes.
2. Ensure your introduction consist of an overview and topic statement
3. Write topic sentences for each body paragraph, continue with supporting points, explanation and examples.
4. Conclude all by paraphrasing your statement in introduction paragraph.

Keep eager to enrich your vocabulary because I see some repetition in your essay.

Wish you to the cloud nine!
daya93   
Aug 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary TED Why By Feeling You Are Ugly Is Bad For You. [3]

Hi Farida,

Ten thousands people every month google "Am I Ugly". This leads to depression for teenagers. I think your sentences are uncorrelated each other.

Actually, your summary is bad in content, I could not take the messages here. My suggestion is while watching TED highlight some point which are interesting and try to rewrite again in writing sentences, not based on what speakers say on literal.

It would be more useful for you :)

Good luck!
daya93   
Aug 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / SUmmary TEDtalk: the first 21 days of a bee's life [3]

This summary originates is from

and it can be found posted in on TEdtalks.com

You should add new enter after The original title.....bee's life.

The original title is 'the first 21 days of a bee's life I think it would be better if you give an overview sentences for example : Varma was talked about the first 21 days of bee's life.

there are some trouble on it

Those problems are include

Bees are insects that have most sensitive growth

Try to re-organized this process:

Those life processes for 21 day have begun from larva which swim in the white glue, then head and leg differentiate, these body reorganize, pigment are developed in eyes and the last step is body's change to spread out.

Keep fighting :)
daya93   
Aug 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / It's not necessary to earn money by children when they are still on parents care [5]

In this industrialization era, many fields of work need to recruit more people to join in work force, including children. Allowing children to have a paid job always comes into debate, some people argue work is necessary as learning arena for children. I do not believe in this statement, using children labour in adult environment could not be put in the right place.

On the side of people who agree, children can acquire new experiences outside school, because it only taught them in theories but lack of practices. In work place, children will deal with different environment, besides that they can learn to be responsible in tasks from people whose more experiences. They will be paid based on their duties and in addition, they can learn to spend money wisely.

However, it is not necessary to earn some money at their earlier ages, because they are still on adult responsibilities to fulfill their needs. Thus, involved in work place which actually considered to adults, will bring children into lack of development in health and intelligence. For example children in developing countries who paid for labour works do not have enough time to study and play with their peers since they are too tired after working all day.

All in all, children have other fields to gain experiences outside formal education instead joining the work forces and let them learn gradually in their normal stage of development.
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