Undergraduate / [commentary on your academic goals] Transfer Admission Essay [26]

Besides the fact that your introduction has loads of obvious grammar essays, it also serves no purpose because it has absolutely no relevance to answering the prompt. Unless, you are leaving your current University, because you are so fascinated by the idea that UConn's campus has ice cream and other foods. If this is the case, make it more obvious. (If this is the case, talk about how you wish your Uni also had so much food on campus and perhaps, how you love to eat?)


^Hmm. Well, remove the first sentence for starters, because it is not necessary at all. You present yourself as a sportsman, but in your earlier paragraph, you talk about how you were fascinated by foods that are otherwise, quite dense in calories and do not necessarily have the best macronutrient ratios. This has at least led me to question, how serious of an athlete are you? If not a serious one, then why try to pretend you are. If you are, then I am sure that you are familiar with the importance of diet. Looking at this paragraph, which has potential to be quite meaningful, completely remove the first paragraph.

This second paragraph also has grammar essays. Furthermore, you should talk about how playing basketball at UConn is something you really want to do and you would like to do it more at UConn than at your current University. You should also explain the reasons in that case.


Ok, this is your strongest paragraph yet. Go into more detail on your academic goals and how your academic goals can be reached at UConn and why you want them to be reached at UConn. However, some sentences are phrased quite poorly.

Youve got an interesting conclusion there. You need to work on your essay big time if you want to strengthen your chances of admission.

Undergraduate / Essay for U-Chicago - it's a little childish.. [32]


^Genuine UChicago applicant. You should find a sophisticated way of saying this, minus the reference to the Ivy Leagues, in your UChicago essay.

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]


XD
She still has not commented, but I am interested in reading what she has to say whenever she decides to post. This is the second time she has jumped ship, with the first time being when I merely said 'hmmm' (I think that little incident will bring up memories)


Tell me about it. I think they should be informed of this whenever they sign up.


Now I have added to it :)

See how I have?

Undergraduate / Paging Simone! What do addmission panels look for in essays? [7]


^That is the hardest part.


*Gasps. WEEDING?

Undergraduate / Lesson learned from my ankle injury - 'nothing was missing from my experience' [8]

Alright, there are some points here and there to be fixed, but most importantly, I need to tell you this.

The essay question is:

'A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.'

^You do not answer this question at all. I want you, to look at your essay, and tell me where, do you say that you have discussed either 'what you would bring to the diversity in a college community' or even 'an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you'

You may have a fine list of extra cirriculars. However, failing to answer the question means a lot more to the Admissions Commitee.

Undergraduate / "A likable person" - Boston University Supplement Essay [11]

If you know that the level of writing is poor etc, wouldnt it have been better to have tried to improve it first, and then get feedback on a much stronger version that what you admit, is a weak version?

Taking this into mind, I skim read your essay. You seem to just go on and on.
I suggest removing parts that neither do that much good to your essay, but removing these parts will not do any bad to your essay either.

I also believe that the introductory paragraph in it's entirety can go. It is not uniquely written, cliched and quite frankly, lame. You make it sound as if it is a general and widely held belief, when it is in fact, your belief. (I am not saying your belief is wrong, but there is no point taking up so much word space and preaching about something that is neither interesting nor useful)

Revise your essay. Post a stronger version. What is the point in giving detailed feedback on an essay that you yourself feel that could be better.

Essays / common app short (activities) essay: strict word limit?? [10]

The Universities will see how you are ignoring the request at hand, and how you decided to be flexible enough with your essay and bend the rules. Universities may not look at this favorably, as you seemingly do not follow the laid out rules.

My advice: Stay within the word limit. It is the safer thing to do.

Undergraduate / An Undergraduate UF Essay (influance from my brother). Criticism and opinions. [4]

The prompt:

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

The essay:

When growing up in life, the actions of those around you can greatly influence the path you take. During my life I have had such an influence from someone close to me - my brother.

^Not needed. Admissions Commitee are fairly aware of the first sentence. If you remove the first sentence, the second sentence does not make sense. Therefore, I removed everything so that you can directly focus on addressing the issue at hand, which you do in the first sentence of your next paragraph.

Throughout my life I have witnessed my brother continuously take the wrong path down life. His life has been consumed by drugs, lying, cheating, and stealing, with.his school and academics at the very bottom of his listSchool and academics were at the very bottom of his priority list. I have personallywitnessedseen him steal from myour parents as well as take advantage of my parentsthem.and the unconditional love my mom has for him, and evenhas even seen him overdosed in the hospital. These are things you may see on television and think of it as pretty breath taking, but I have lived through it .

^Readers understand that this is a difficult situation and a reminder is not necessary.

Living with such a careless, ignorant person that
who constantly lies and steals from friends and family has made me want to never be like that.
^Overhere, you should say why you never want to be like this..

Drugs are another thing that has completely taken over his life. Cocaine, xanex, oxycotton; you name it and he has done it., all types, such as cocaine, xanex, oxycotten etc, have completely taken over his life.

Seeing him with bloodshot eyes and a tube down his throat in a hospital bed is something that oneI couldcannot fathom andnor understand the impact it has on ahad on my family without actually seeing it with their own eyes.

^Hmm I was not too sure what you meant in the last part. I am sure that the doctors could look at your brother with bloodshot eyes and a tube down his throat. So, 'one' is a bit of a general term and does not apply to everyone.

Needless to say, growing up with a person such as my brother has been a mind boggling experience. Anything that one could ever think of doing, he has done, and has kept my mind on school and academics and concentrated on my goals.

^What are you trying to say here? You talk about him, then talk about yourself. The transition is not smooth and perhaps, you should use a full stop? I do not know what you are trying to say so I can not comment.

Knowing whathow ignoring school and taking the wrong path can do has kept me extremely concentrated on my academics which can be portrayed with myis evident from my constant straight A's all through high school. I have dedicated countless hours to my school and stayed away from the drugs, stealing, and lying that has tarnished my brothers life. Living a life such as his has pushed his friends away and family away even further. He can't be trusted as far as he can be thrown and I never want that to be said of me. Trust is one aspect that once it's lost, it is not very likely to be gained again.

^In the last sentence, replace the comma with a full stop.

The experience of having someone close to me like my brother has made me realize what will happen to my life if I don't stay on the right path.

6
^Youve already said that, and pretty much go on to say it again in the next paragraph.

Having seen what not to do in life has kept my will strong and my determination even stronger. This point of view will undoubtedly carry onto college and help keep my eyes on the prize.

^What prize?

Having been through such a long experience has left a permanent mark on my lif e. My college experience will be similar to my high school experience in terms of grades and how I carry myself. College will be a chance for me to go farther than anyone in my family has and push myself farther away from going down the wrong path. I plan to keep my grades as high as possible and enjoy the better aspects of life. Having gone through such an experience will make me live my college experience to the fullest and keep my mind on my goals. I hope to let him know what kind of impact he has had on my life, regardless of how inadvertently he has done it. Maybe when he finally gets out of prison.

^Perhaps, you can remove the last two lines. They are useful ones, however I do not think they should be your closing lines.
Overall, your essay is quite powerful, personal and genuine. Your UF essay is one of the better ones I have seen on this site because you understand and discuss what you have learnt from this experience. If you could add a line on how it has influenced you, and how you plan on using this influenced personality of yours at college, your essay could come off as really strong. For now, you talk about how the experience has taught you something. However, the essay question does ask how this experience will contribute to the UF Campus. So just address that part of the question in your answer. Post a revision soon.

Graduate / Essay for a MAS in Basel, Switzerland [3]


^Take Simone's point to consideration on the first sentence. What was it in those ten modules that made you decided that this is the course for you. By discussing this, then your application essay will look stronger because it looks as if you are strongly and genuinely interested in the subject and that you want to study it.

The rest of your essay just needs some basic grammar fixing, however just revise the content for now so that your essay can come off as stronger, therefore strengthening your application.

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]


^I do not see why it may be hard to believe.
When you said that you saw 'everything about the essay in a negative light' after feeling 'discouraged', I was talking about how you felt discouraged and it's subsequent result on you. Yes, you came up with a new essay and absorbed all the criticism. I was just saying that if criticism here was discouraging, criticism at Columbia is more likely to be a lot more discouraging. Thought Id just tell you that. People know the academic rigor of Columbia, but I think most people underestimate it as well. However, I am not saying that you are one of these, because I am sure that you have done research on the type of life an undergraduate student lives at Columbia University.


^All criticism is just criticism. No matter what. It depends on one's emotional nature to understand the criticism as either discouraging or constructive. When you are using me as an example, you are criticizing my ability to criticize. I can either see it as constructive criticism or discouraging criticism, or even invalid criticism.


^What one regards as encouraging is all of a matter of perception. If you decided to view that as discouraging, then ok, should I apologize? It is constructive actually. Let me just quote what you said.


^It is constructive criticism, because I commented on a point which otherwise, when read, can suggest masturbation. I did not see how this was relevant to your essay. Even though it coud have been an interesting topic to the Admissions Committee, you are discussing a seperate topic in your essay and I assumed that this self-sexual reference was a mistake on your part. I thought that I should phrase my comment, subtly to hint at what the sentence implied, as well as in a joking manner to lighten the atmosphere so that when you read that point, you can go like :'Omg lol I sooooooo didnt meant that. But clearly, you didnt and I understand that humor works differently with different people.


^Well, if you do not want indepth shredding, perhaps you should be more specific in what type of feedback you would like. I think that I tackled some sentences in your essay, which otherwise could have been very misleading about you( particularly when you came off as very pretentious and ignorant in some parts). This was done through in-depth analysis. If however, you would not like this, I will respect that completely. By shredding, I was trying to help you remove all the nitty and gritty parts of the essay, but if it is too discouraging for you or whatever, then I will not.


^Id have to say that a topic rarely sucks. However, the way in which you discuss the topic is something else. If it the same old topic, with the same old message, and same old regular teenager writing style, then it sucks.

I do not know about the past, but I can see that some of the newer forum members actually enjoy the feedback that people on this site give. I doubt there is a case of any thing that 'misrepresents how helpful this place is'.

When is your next essay getting posted. Is it the first one revised?

*Edit: What a long thread.

Undergraduate / Stanford - a rich environment where ideas are cultivated. Edits for content and grammar [4]

A rich environment wherein which ideas are cultivated and a life long quest for learning takes root; the "Farm" and I are meant for each other.

^I highlighted a part of your sentence in bold. That part is grammatically unclear, and therefore, understanding what you are trying to say is an issue.

Stanford engages an ethically diverse crop of students that embraces community and global service.
^Exemplify how these diverse ethnic groups of students have participated in community and global service, so that it does not seem as if you are just making a general statement to flatter the Admissions Committee. By being more specific, it looks like as if you are interested in Stanford.

My belief in social justice, intellectual curiosity, ethical leadership, creative problem solving at a community and global level are in concert with the pillars of a Stanford education.

^The grammar fades off after ethical leadership. This, in my opinion, sounds as if you are sucking up to Stanford to be quite frank. Perhaps, you should demonstrate these qualities and prove your belief in them, rather than just stating that you do, especially as these qualities are sooo subjective to perception and understanding of what these terms mean. (Social justice and intellectual curiosity can mean different things to different people.)

I look forward to the long library nights working with study groups, and interfacing with professors and distinguished faculty members.
^Why would you look forward to this? Develop your points. You do not seem to do enough of that.

My professional aspiration is to contribute to the design of sustainable environmental strategies within developing countries, Peru specifically.
^Why Peru specifically?

The Wood's Institute for the Environment will provide me with the tools needed to put my passion into action. The interdisciplinary focus on public policy in relation to developing countries is a unique feature of the Institution that will augment my knowledge base. An extensive list of study and research abroad opportunities capped the list of characteristics I am seeking in a university experience.

^An extensive list of study?

The beauty of the palm tree laden campus and the balmy tepid weather is appealing to this web foot Pacific Northwest resident.
^This is, in my opinion, your most powerful sentence so far.

Exploring the glorious Sierra's, backpacking, a dinner of sushi in San Francisco, and finally learning to surf is the potpourri of lifestyle opportunities the surrounding community provides. I want my university experience to be academically unparalleled, filled with opportunities on a global scale, and amidst a group of diverse motivated students who are excited to learn from each other. I know I will find this and much more at the Farm.

^Opportunities on a global scale? Such as what, learning to surf and eating sushi?
What is much more?

*From what I can see, your essay tends to be very unclear as to the type of person you present yourself as. It left me asking a lot of questions about who you are, and what you want to do. This is not necessarily good. It kind of implies that you have not been able to sell yourself well.

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]


^That is true. Words can be powerful weapons at times. More powerful then guns at times *flexes arm (As school is over, I have not said that to anyone for quite some time, and I thought it is time that I did)


^Well that is just part of the application process. Whoever said it is an easy job lied. Creating the perfect essay is like painting the perfect picture in some ways. (This has given me scope for a lame analogy) You have to use the right strokes and a lot of thought to create the piece of art. It does not come in the first go, nor the first try. It takes time.


^Just remember at Columbia, the academic programs are quite rigorous and not for the faint hearted. Criticisms on your application essay may be harsh, but at Columbia, or any other academic University, criticisms and expectations will be much higher. So in many ways, this site also prepares, and teaches, you how to maturely deal with criticism. In my opinion, the best is to accept it rather than feel disappointed about it.


^Absolutely. Critique can be very demoralizing at times, and especially on an essay with which these applicants have spent so much time and thought on. Then again, these criticisms are supposed to fuel an energy to wanting to improve, rather than degrade the essay. Students should be accepting of criticisms on their essays, because these comments can improve a student's perception of how to write an admissions essay. All of you students are applying to Universities with strong academic programs, which are naturally suited for those willing to apply themselves on an intellectual level. Therefore, when applying to these type of Universities, it is some of a prerequisite to show a sense of intellectuality in the essay, which therefore raises the expectations of the standards of the essay. Criticisms are made so that the right courses of action can be made to meeting these standards.

Yes. I understand that students may not like criticisms because their pieces of art are not seen that favorably by others. Just as when a musical artist's album is reviewed poorly by critics. The next step, after recieving the criticism, is to find something more appealing.

Undergraduate / 'idea of learning / isles of Trinidad and Tobago' - UCF Personal Statements [12]

2. What qualities or unique characteristics do you possess that would allow you to contribute to the UCF community?

I am confident that I will actively absorb all available knowledge, forge friendships and be able to contribute some of my " Caribbean Flavour " with my fellow UCF students . My cultural environment has influenced my personality and nature by providing me with a sunny outlook and curiosity for other cultures and lands.

^How has it given you a sunny outlook, as well as a supposed curiosity? I crossed out nature, because your sentence structure implies that your cultural environment has also influenced nature. I do not think that your cultural environment has affected how flowers photosynthesize, for example.

My home sweet isles of Trinidad and Tobago, has fused allmany ethnic groups and has a rich heritage of dance,music, art, cuisine and festivals. This melting pot has made me realize how important it is to be able to treat all people with the respect they deserve, without letting prejudices or stereotypes get in the way of my actions.

^Hmm, this is kind of an overplayed card. Perhaps, to make your essay more powreful, you should say how you came about to this realization. You can even expand, on the importance of this realization.

The highlight of our year is Carnival; an ultimate two day explosion of colour and drama, which showcase the rich artistic and cultural expressions of the island. Carnival attracts x million /thousand visitors each year, affording me the opportunity to make friends from all over the world and imbuing me with a desire to travel and experience other cultures. .

^Whilst most of this is fascinating, I was far from interested in reading it because it does not address the question at hand. The question is asking you about your qualities and unique characteristics that can be contributed to the UCF Campus. Readers, particularly the Admissions Committee, when reading this essay, will disapprove of having to read about the carnival and how much you enjoy the experiences that accompany it, since you have deviated from the topic at hand and you are failing to answer the question.

I have had the opportunity to learn and coexist with people from disparate backgrounds and I believe it is a person's culture that defines who they are.

I am immensely proud of being a Trinidadian and I look forward to not only sharing my qualities and ways with others, but to also learn from new diverse experiences that I will encounter in the future

^A person's moral values also defines who they are. Whilst this may be influenced by culture, it is important to realize that this is not necessarily from ethnic culture.

-It is great to see you proud of your heritage, and I see that you mention what you plan on contributing. However, what are your 'qualities'? How do you plan on sharing your 'ways'? In regards to the concluding sentence, if you really want to stick that in there, then I suggest saying how wanting to learn is a quality of yours, rather than just saying something like 'I want to learn.'

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]

Lol. Johnny Hates Jazz's Shattered Dreams comes to mind for some reason :P

Undergraduate / Essay C- Personal info you want considered as a part of your admissions essay [5]

Mustafa and Simone made some legit points regarding the content of your essay.
I however, feel that what you have provided, is more of a personal statement, rather than 'personal information'. The Admissions Committee, when they read this essay, would most likely want to read personal information that helps explain something about you that they could not have learnt elsewhere from your application. Talk about yourself.

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]


^Should be in the past tense, as your are narrating an experience that happened in the past.

*In regards to your essay, you do not quite go into any depth about what you have learnt (not from the ballet classes) from MIss Judy. You do not quite state how she has truly influenced you as a person.

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]

^That is quite true actually. After I read kritipg's post, I thought that perhaps I was perhaps a bit too discouraging and it made me feel like I was really tough. I thought I could mask all of this, with the 'Haha', a 'joke' and the ':P', so that it comes off as light hearted.

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]


^Wow. I never said, or implied, that you are.

I said 'Hmmm' because you had to explain this, even though you admit that your explanation is based on an assumption, because the writer was not clear in her writing. It is because it was not clear in the first place, that I did not understand the analogy. The 'Hmmm' suggests that perhaps, your explanation has brought up an interesting point. So: 'Hmmm...perhaps now this will make sense. Interesting'.

Hmm also addresses the fact that your explanation is based on your assumption. Therefore, whilst your point may be valid and interesting, it may not have been what the writer is trying to say. So: 'Hmmmm' is this right? Or not?

*Perhaps the onomatopoeia of just 'Hmmm' was unclear when you read it.
Perhaps next time, I will say (Nods head in approval and in interest)

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]


^Hmmm.


^Absolutely. I am just giving MY opinion.


^Yes, I understood that it was a joke. However, I thought I should just clarify, just so that there are no doubts in the air :)

I figured you gals were girls from your earlier posts. And from your names, which is visible when I click on your username.

It is nice to know that you are glad. Most people regret 'contributing'. Anyways, I would not say that you contributed, it is large enough as it is. :)

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]


^I assumed it is a girl thing, because obviously the writer is a girl, and I figured that you as well as tal105 are also girls.


^Research can be fun.


^Well, research is such a broad term and that is what lead to the confusion. When I heard about punching in numbers and collecting data, I was thinking about standard deviation, actuary etc.

When I read the essay, and came to the end, I wondered if Miss Judy was also a Maths teacher at first. When I reread it, well seeing as how it is in the first paragraph, I made the connection. The fact that I did not remember the first paragraph kind of implies that it can easily be forgotten, and that is possibly due to the introduction mainly being comprised of general statements rather than anything person.

Anyways. This is what I understand. People do not like research and collecting data, but like the end product. (Well, this example in itself is wrong. Financial analysts may enjoy researching and collecting data. What they discover however, are not necessarily products, but rather trends. A trend that fluctuates and needs to be analyzed again. So really, there is no 'finished product'.)

Brendali compares ballet to this. She did not like the 'hard work' of it, but likes the end product?

**Edit


^You could have just edited your post rather than make it obvious to everyone, that I know what I am talking about LOOOL :)

Writing Feedback / 'Harmful effects on our environment' - Benefits and Drawbacks of Urbanisation [10]


^ :)

I am not too familiar with what the IELTS Exams require, in terms of content, depth of knowledge and evaluation. However, I can make suggestions on grammar, if that is fine.

As the industries of the world are growing fast, urbanisation is proceeding so rapidly that it is generating largely unpredicted problems one hundred years ago. Although, of course, there can be some benefits likesuch asmoreincreased employment and economic benefits,.thereHowever,there are also bad effectsurbanization also has it's consequences such aslike polluting our environmentsthe environment as lots of factories are built on the new areas following the urbanisation.

During the process of clearing out natural habitats as the first phase of the urbanisation,
The first phase of urbanization clears out natural habitats.
destroying an ecosystem existing on thoseecosystems in these areas are inevitable. Though governments are ocasionally keep them in its original condition for the image of the town when the habitats are small in size, normally, most of the living creatures in the areas are getting extincted becoming extinct.

^This sentence needs some grammar revision. I did not quite understand what you were trying to say Harry.

Nevertheless, this tragedy is happening even now for people's well-being itself.

A wide range of employment are offered in return. Many factories are built on the areas since economical benefit was the sole purpose of the urbanisation from the beginning, which will benefit tobenefits the local economy, which goes toand the wealth of government. Then the government find another place to develope.

While the country is becoming wealthy economicallyAs the country becomes increasingly wealthier , it is also becoming poor environmentlly as a result of the exploitingit's environment suffers as a result of the exploitation . Furthermore Toxic gases and severly polluted water from the factory will lead tobring air, waterair and water pollution, which will eventually lead to the low quality of life.

Even though there wascan be positive effectsresultssuch as the increase of employment, urbanisation brought serious harmful effects on our environmentseriously harms the environment . It seemed like we are improving our quality of life at the cost of destruction of ecosystem, was actually setting back in a long term.Whilst we are improving our quality of life, this is done at the cost of the environment.It is advisable for the nations to care more about the environment and to be critic on government's absurd decision.I believe that nations should be more concerned about their environment rather than their government's economic welfare.

^Well I made some grammar revisions. Commenting on IELTS would not be a strongpoint of mine since I am quite unfamiliar with what the test looks for, besides fluency in English. I am sorry if I was meant to comment on the structure and content, however I did not know if I was required to do so.

Good luck for your IELTS Harry.

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]


^Haha. Well, I only tore it down because your essay gave me the opportunity to :P
The central idea can be used, however certain parts of your first essay need to be changed completely.


^The fact that it comes from the heart, is probably THE most important thing.
Which essay are you going to be tackling then, the first one? How come you have school now though, I thought this is the summer holidays?

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]

I did not get the ending line, even though the two posters above me seem to like it. Is it a girl thing? I was trying to link it to the Introduction, but firstly, as Simone pointed out, that Introduction needs to be replaced. Secondly, 'punching in numbers' is completely different to ballet and I do not quite understand the analogy between the two. Can someone explain it to me?

If this is the influence essay, you do not actually quite talk about, how you have been influenced at all.


^Well, apart from the obvious grammatical errors, I as a reader, can see that how that one compliment made you like ballet. Alright, that is cool.

After that, there is nothing to suggest how Miss Judy influenced you.
If this is the significant experience essay, then...is recieving that compliment the significant experience? Perhaps, you should develop this and tell your readers why it is so meaningful to have heard that one compliment.

Alternatively, if this is a topic of your choice, I do not quite see what message you are trying to send in this essay. I understand that this is your rough draft, but providing a title would have facilitated the feedback process.

****Unless. This is the 'tell us about one of your activities' essay, which in that case, what is the requirement to go into so much depth on Miss Judy. Just focus on the ballet aspect then, and how much you enjoy it.

Undergraduate / 'Both education and Track and Field' - Stanford a good place for you? [14]


^Before I even begin to comment on your essay, I think you should re look at the Stanford supplement. All of the prompts limit the essay to a number of characters, rather than a number of words.

Are you sure that what you are doing, is even right?

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]


^Quote of the day.

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]


Well, I am sure that hospitals are there to treat people who are in need of medical assistance.


^Find out how culturally diverse UChicago actually is, and perhaps what measures it takes to promote cultural diversity.
Diversity is a very broad word. You say 'people'. I presume you mean that 'people' will be diverse in interests as well then. That is why I discussed the academic part. UChicago is known to be a very academically challenging university, where it's students typically enjoy studying at this extraordinary level, or students have to sacrifice aspects of their social life and interests to keep up with the challenging curriculum. So if you still want to stick with this aspect of diversity, do some research on UChicago and discuss the extra cirriculars you think that you could take part in and link this to a diversification of interests.

Undergraduate / 'Both education and Track and Field' - Stanford a good place for you? [14]


^ :D


^Wow. You actually have, quite a strong advantage here.


^Hmm thats quite cool. I remember some time ago, I could run 0-100 sometime between 12-13. (I just measured 100 meters and ran with an electronic stop watch with my hand. It is not as if it is an official time taken by a coach on a proper track field). Anyways I thought, man, I am going to do run 0-100 in 10 seconds. I never bothered. Just never pushed myself to get faster lol, and most people dont, so its good to see that you are willing to push yourself to get to 48 or so, and this is quite a strong selling point here that you can easily play to your advantage.

(Now, as it is summer and it is the off season for me, Ive gone from the 80 kilo bracket to 107 kilos so I do not even want to know what my 0-100 is now haha.)

You can mention your interests. However, since you are applying to Stanford, and not a specific engineering department, it is likely that mentioning your interests will do no harm to your application at all. That said, saying that your academic interests are undecided also, will do no harm to your application.

I may also be applying to Stanford. However, it is just a 'may'.

Undergraduate / 'Both education and Track and Field' - Stanford a good place for you? [14]


^Good point, but I think the German already answered that question.

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]

O dear. Reading error again.

Well, I think the reading error was caused due to the sentence structure, which confused me at first.

As a future Spanish major, I will be able to learn the language, and culture faster through the study abroad program offered at the University of Chicago.

^Actually. What culture are we referring to? Spain's? Mexican?

*Edit.
I still can not believe how I misread that. Damn words getting jumbled up whenever I read.
When I read, for some reason, I read 'culture faster than through the study abroad', hence the reason I commented on it.

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]

Chicago eh? Well, I am going to get VERY critical in that case

#1
Question 1. How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future? Please address with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to Chicago

In my near future I hope to become a plastic and reconstructive surgeon, helping people who want to look a little younger, or people who have been in unfortunate situations.

^Unfortunate situations? Like what? People do not only go to plastic surgeons to look younger. Women, :), also go for boob jobs. Unless, you are implying that being small breasted is an unfortunate situation. (Perhaps thats more under cosmetic surgery, I dont know. Regardless, expand on what you interpret as an unfortunate situation. Alternatively, you can just say that you want to become a plastic and reconstructive surgeon, and just stop there)

But I know that before I can take such a giant leap I must first take baby steps, something the University of Chicago can help me with.

^Wow. I guess UChicago would love to know that its being used to help an aspiring surgeon, learn it's baby steps. Not really a compliment hear. It kind of makes it sound as if UChicago is a great place to start, for an AMATEUR.

Since the University of Chicago has a hospital on campus, this would be a great opportunity for me to get even more hands on experience inside of a hospital besides the internship I did this past summer.

^
Your grammar towards the end is flaky. Also, how sure ar eyou that you can even get experience at UChicago's hospital? Have you done any research on this? If UChicago knows that students do not do internships there, it will be uninterested in your application, because you have no idea about the Uni's policies, thus signaling a lack of interest in the University.

This would add convenience, and add to the learning experience of sitting inside of a classroom.
A future Spanish major, I will be able to learn the language, and culture faster through the study abroad program offered at the University of Chicago.

^Are you dissing, UChicago's summer program?? Nice.

I have also been in my current high school for so long-a diverse school-that I couldn't picture myself in a place without diversity.
^How is your school diverse? In what ways, can you consider it diverse?

The University of Chicago will allow me to stay in my element, and not feel out of place, since it is a very diverse school.

^I would not say it is very diverse. UChicago has some of the most intellectual people, in the world. However, the vast majority of these people, are NERDS. UChicago does not have that active of a sports scene. So in terms of interests, there is not too much of diversity. (You will probably find that these nerds all like the same things, studies, computer games like World of Warcraft, and Comic Book Conventions). Culturally, I am not too sure however. In terms of talent, (music and drama), I do not know how strong UChicago is in these departments. All I know, is that at UChicago, in terms of people who study academic disciplines, people are nerds and study very very very very hard, hence the reason that they are such an academically intensive University. There is not that much time for play.

I can combine great
learning, with diversity which is, to me, "my scene".
^Uh yea.

Undergraduate / 'Both education and Track and Field' - Stanford a good place for you? [14]

Henry J. Kaiser once said "Taste the relish to be found in competition - in having put forth the best within you", and. what better place to get the best competition possible, than Stanford.

^What competition are we talking about here? Academic competition? UChicago is probably more academically rigorous than Stanford, especially in certain disciplines.

Stanford has some of the most intelligent people in the nation attending there school, which creates enormous competition for everyone, and therefore makes people produce far better results than if they had no competition at all.

^No.

If there is one thing I want from a school, I want them to push me to achieve more than what I could normally do on my own, and I think Stanford is the perfect place for that. Stanford will push me to take the risks i need to be successful. Being pushed to achieve more doesn't just benefit me; it creates a chain-reaction to society and the community to follow my example to achieve more as well.

^School is singular.
-The school will not push you to achieve what more than you can actually do. You will have to do to that on your own.

-Risks? What risks are you taking, by studying?
-A chain reaction? If that were the case, there should have been one with the many graduating classes of Stanford in the past. Where is this...chain reaction? Unless, you are so special that they have to follow your 'example'.

Not only does Stanford give me the push I'm looking for in my education, I will also get that push on the Track and Field as well. Stanford has one of the best Track and field programs on the West coast and I know that I could benefit from there great program and give that gift back to the school.

^It is 'their'.
-Are you even good enough to make it on the Track and Field roster?
-How is it's program one of the best on the west coast?

Stanford's coaches can push me to the limit and get me to the goals that I want and there is nothing more that I really want than to score points in the PAC-10 Conference for Stanford.

^You would rather score points for Stanford than study there. That. My friend. Is an Interesting point.

Running down the last 100 meters of the 400 m run, sweat flying everywhere, the grunts of pain exploding from your legs; these are the images I see before my race, I visualize my self in the lead just to give me the mental push I need to win the race.

^Pain does not grunt. Exploding from 'your' legs. Why are you referring to the reader's legs here.

My new race isn't a 400 meter run, now its Stanford. I can visualize myself at Stanford, seeing not only what Stanford can do for me, but what great things I can do for Stanford.

^What great things can you do. You havent even discussed one useful thing.

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]


^Haha, well I have completed 97 percent of my essays. However, in my experience, it is the final 3 percent, which involves all the fine tuning and tweaking, that is the most important. So I have yet to completely finish that 3 percent.


^When I edited my post, I wondered if you would catch on to that and point out that I was questioning the 'usage'. I guess you did eventually. lol. Yes, I was questioning the usage to some extent. lol. I just was too lazy to edit that part to be honest =p

Strange. I did not know I portrayed a great deal of knowledge about India actually. I thought I had just posted basic general knowledge about the country. Ill take it as a compliment that my knowledge on India, is in fact, not bad :)

Writing Feedback / I closed my eyes and started the chanting!; The moment of the Lords. [11]

EF_Sean
^All of that is quite true.


^K I finished my A-Levels just recently. Is this for English Lit or Lang? (It does not really matter, I just wanted to know. Strange how you guys got assignments to be completed during the summer...)

-I do not get what you mean by thinking critically. Please expand on this, because our definitions may be different.
-You used the word 'Lords', and 'did not mention any religion'. Well, by saying 'Lords', you kind of are. Abrahamic religions believe that there is only one Lord. So if you were trying to connect readers with the deity in this essay, you would not necessarily be connecting all of your readers. Also, you describe the physical appearance of the Lords. In Abrahamic religions as well, God has not been described physically, which therefore strengthens the disconnect between your readers and this essay.


^I do not see how everyone can understand it. Sean addresses the exact reasons why. How did your protaganist even get to meet the Lords. Was it through imagination, unconsciousness etc...


^Well, I am criticizing your essay. I doubt this is what you had in mind though :)


^Well, at least give your readers some insight as to where the protagonist was when it saw these lords. Was it in a monestary or a temple of some kind? Or like I asked earlier, was it in the state of mind?

Your conclusion in the essay could agree with the latter.
*The essay does need more facts.
This is all that there is:
-The Lords are there.
-They talk to the protagonist
-The protagonist talks back
-The protagonist learns something
-The protagonist wakes up and has a new approach to life

-It should be made clear, why the protagonist talked to the Lords, how the protagonist was able to seek a confrontation with the Lords, when did this happen and where did it happen. Then readers will be given a clearer picture about your essay.

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]


^Thats perfectly fine. I am just a teenager like most of you, and am in fact in the process of applying to Universities as the rest of you. What I am offering in my posts are my suggestions, my input and my opinions. These are not corrections as such. These can be correct suggestions though. 'Corrections' are made by the moderators on this site, because they are qualified and experienced enough to make them.


^Fair enough. However, how certain are you that these people have used it correctly as well.

These three things alone can inundate a person.
^How can three things flood a person. Perhaps a person's mind. Regardless, I still do not think that the word 'inundate' is used correctly here.


^Yes. This deserves to be lolled at. When I read, once in a while, the words get jumbled up. I guess this is just one of those times. I misread. My bad and my apologies.


^Actually, you can just suddenly realize. It does not have to take a period of time to realize something, as realizations do tend to be instantaneous. My point is that there is no description as to how the realization came about. In my opinion, this 'sudden' realization weakens the narrative. So much so, that it looks like as if the realization is fake and just inserted there, just to make the essay. (Again, this is my opinion)

This is how I understood the essay from the narrative:
-I did not like India. It is dirty, too many people etc.
-I have read reports. India is a thriving economy.
-Let me look around
-I love India.
-Yay.
^It just does not seem real. Maybe it was, and this is exactly how it happened, however the essay does not quite add life to this experience, and that is why I feel that the 'sudden realization' needs to be developed.


^I was not questioning the usage of the word 'its'. I was questioning, what does 'its' refer to. If you look back, you too may wonder what does 'its' actually refer to.


^I guess that it the point I just made. Anyways, I developed my point, so collectively, our points on this should be useful.

*By the way, I just want to say, if you are doing the significant experience here, what is the significant experience?

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]

Walking down a street in New Delhi, India for the first time, a person can only notice a few things: the filth, the population, and the traffic.

^Not any person may note this. I doubt a year old baby that has just learnt how to walk would take notice of filth as much as we, or even you, would.

These three things alone can inundate a person.
Inundate means to flood...

The experience as a whole is more tiring to most than anything else.
^More tiring than a marathon? Or one workout session featuring squats and deadlifts, followed by other exercises?

This is exactly as I felt during my first trip to India.
^Needs grammar revision. How did you feel? Just tired?

**Moreover, I only saw India for what it lacked: order, infrastructure, and cleanliness. Even subsequent trips left me disappointed in the condition of the country I am from. However, during a recent trip to India, my perception of the atmosphere in India has completely changed.

^I swear to god I have read an essay just like this on this site.

On previous visits to India, traveling outside was what I hated the most.
^How can you say precious. With the exception of that one recent trip, all your other trips were disappointing. Precious is the incorrect word here, given the context.

I was restless sitting in our small car on the road, where hundreds of cars were crawlingcrawled like ants. I would shudder to see and smell the mounds of garbage in markets, no doubt a reflection of India's burgeoning population. I used to cringe as my family and I moved with the crowds of people at temples and bazaars like fish in a school , unable to breath in the body odor of the beggars around us.

As trying as my trips to India became, I asked myself how was India still a thriving nation even with all its apparent downfalls.
^Did you mean tiring. Also, how is it thriving? I assume you mean economically. I think you should mention this.

When I stopped to reflect on this question during my recent trip, I tried to soak in all of my surroundings and open my mind. Suddenly, I had understood.

^Just like that eh? Perhaps, you can tell us what you were doing at the time so that your essay paints a more vivid picture of how you made your discovery.

When I stopped to listen to India itself, I found my answer in one simple word: energy.
^Were you listening? This is why I think you should tell us what you were doing whilst making your discovery. It just makes it more clearer to readers, what you were doing. I thought by soaking in all of your surroundings, you just stood there and took a deep breath or something, ye know..

I sensed it from the streets, the houses, and most importantly, the people. Once I noticed the positive energy, I felt it surging within me.

^Describe the positive energy that you see. Earlier, you had described beggars and filth. How could you see positive energy through all of this, is what I, as a reader, would like to know.

I felt inspired to do my part to improve the country while I was there. My serendipitous realization made me feel that it made no sense to complain about how India is. By doing my part, my continued effort could begin to reduce the inequality and poverty in India.

^What part? What continued effort?
How can you alone, reduce the inequality and poverty in India? K I guess you may discuss that in your remaining paragraphs and sentences.

Rather than closing my eyes to the vulgarity of India's poor and assume that it has no future, I decided to open my mind and try to make a difference, to finally do my job as an Indian.

^India's poor has no future. Or India has no future? Which one were you trying to imply in your sentence.

While I was just one person with new and exciting hopes for India, I believed I could still take effective action. With my new found open mindedness, I became a volunteer for UNICEF, an organization whose efforts to help the destitute are renowned .

^Do not assume that your readers are unintelligent enough not to know what Unicef is.

Additionally, I started to do research at a United Nations lab in India to help understand the diseases that left so many incapacitated and to ultimately find their prevention. Suddenly, the congested traffic was no longer just traffic. It was the blood of India flowing through its veins.

^I wouldnt say it is the blood of India. Id say it is just the blood of the New Delhi. Also, if you are comparing traffic to blood, it would be advisable to compare the roads to veins.

I saw it as the excitement of activity and life reverberating from every corner. I had not become blind of India's neglected roads, people, and buildings, but aware of what I could do to help India rise up from where it had fallen.

^Well then what can you do?

I had seen its potential in the people from working in a lab in New Delhi; their hard-working attitudes could easily be used to better their nation.

^Then again, you do need to realize that these people are the minority of India, as the majority of the population are impoverished. Whilst they may also have hard working attitudes, which they indisputably do, can these poor people really better the nation? They can, but Id like to hear how you think they might be able to in that case.

During my trip to India, I was able to do my part. By working in a United Nations lab, I researched the Tuberculosis disease.
^Shouldnt this be put earlier, when you first talked about working at the UN.

It is rampant in India because of a lack of clean drinking water. Hopefully in the future, the research I assisted the lab do will lead to drugs and medicines to reduce the numbers suffering from this ailment.

^How long did you work there? If you worked there for a few months, do you really think that your research alone is good enough, seeing as how teams of people have been working for years now...If you worked for less than a few months...then I would not suggest being so bold and give the impression that you did so much research that it can contribute to a medical breakthrough.

Once disease in India is controlled, sick beggars can become healthy workers.
^Yes. This is not only in India, this is all over the world. Also, tubercolosis is not the only disease in India. (I know you may know this, but from my understanding of your essay structure, you believe this. It is what your essay structure implies, in my opinion)

By becoming a volunteer for UNICEF, I have sent countless letters to my senators to allocate more money to UNICEF so that it may help the vagrants of India and other such peoples.

^
I thought you were more concerned about the sick people, rather than the vagrants. Also, India may have vagrants as some people may be on a spiritual or religious journey. Perhaps, you should just say 'people in need of aid'??

It has also opened my eyes to the horrendous conditions so many people all over the world face daily.
^What has? People donating money has made you seen this?

With time and dedicated effort, India will hopefully be able to improve its infrastructure and reduce the number of needy.
^This is just general knowledge. Everyone should know this.

Once I became open to differences and willing to see the potential in things, I saw a change in myself. To me, the crowded Indian markets, with people chattering and children laughing, were no longer a nuisance, but much more.

^What were they then? Even more of a nuisance?

The incessant honking on the streets was no longer noise pollution, but India's voice screaming out to anyone willing to listen to it.
^Not India. New Delhi.

That it was ready for change if anyone else was ready to do his or her part.
^I understand your interpretation of the symbolism here. However, in reality, arent the people just honking because there is just traffic and people want to get to their destinations; people want to move on.

This trip to India opened my eyes to the world around me, and taught me the value of doing so in my daily life. Not only had I finally connected with India, but I also connected with myself.

^I wouldnt say the world around you. From your essay, you say how India has just taught you about India.

I never thought I would learn from the filth, the population, or the traffic in India, not for what they are, but from what they represent. They represent the average Indian surroundings.

^The average Indian surrounding, is filthy, populous and full of traffic? It may be, however I am not sure if this is entirely true. Some parts of India are clean. Some parts do not have a lot of traffic.

They are a beacon of its potential and verve.

Writing Feedback / I closed my eyes and started the chanting!; The moment of the Lords. [11]

Rajiv did a good job.

Bald headed and simple dressed though they were , their mere presence had a pleasant, powerful aura about them .

"You are a qualified person to be amongst us. Why give up now?''

"I have started forgetting, my Lords". I answered with a feeling of sadness and understanding.My answer had a mixture of sadness and understanding. I wanted to talk to them, stay with them and, have this conversation fora long time, forever.

"That is your challenge in the everlasting circle of life, trying to remember and never letting go. It is hard, indeed, as we have seen and went through our own destined challenges, we know. But that is the only way. You have come this far, Why the hesitation now? Do not forget ... Remember ..." Their voices faded away with the last few words. Still, the memory of their images remained.

"Yes, my Lords ..." I sounded vigilant, determined yet calm.

They had a message for me, an omen to find my destiny. The very feeling of their existence gave me the strength to look beyond the obvious.

*Alright, this is a different essay from the ones I have read. What is the essay question? Also, what exactly are you trying to convey here?

Undergraduate / The story of two eagles-- common app [8]


^Chasing, and questing, is not 'catching'.


^Ruthless and casual? An oxymoron or juxtaposition. However, not that effective because I do not understand it. Also, eagles do swoop on their prey with effort. They calculate, watch, observe, and strike. Also, you mention that he was kidding. Now, you say that he 'neglected', which kind of gives a different impression.

*Your fourth paragraph needs heavy grammar revision.

Woah, woah

'couldn't accept my failure and reminded of those days I had struggled. I didn't attend my grandmother's seventieth birthday but studied alone at home, I gave up the chance of travelling with my family to Sweden but flung myself in supplement materials, I missed the opportunity of meeting my childhood friend but locked myself in the library. All I wanted was to win. My father would never understand the happiness I had sacrificed to win, the efforts I paid to excel others. Perhaps this time he would ridicule me that 'the little eagle failed to catch its prey.' I dashed my tears with the back of my hand just liked an eagle lipped its own wounds.

My father had already gone to work like nothing happened next morning. My hypothesis that he didn't care me was deeply confirmed. But when I sat in front of the table to have my breakfast, a note under my coffee cup with my father's handwriting came into my view

^From the moment you lost and sat in your room alone, to the next morning, you did not go to your grandma's birthday and did not go on a family holiday to Sweden. All of these events, took place in the space of one day. If not, then I consider revising this paragraph to make it more sensible.

'I was moved. My father opened the cage for me but still stared at me silently. '
^Umm. I thought he went to work.

My memory flashed back to the past: My father never said goodbye every time he sent me to school but I still felt the warmth of his vision on my back.

^You never gave this impression before. Suddenly, you feel it?
The same applies to the rest of the paragraph. You give the impression that he is in fact a caring father, when one of your first lines of this essay says that he 'never cared'....


^I think you do.

Undergraduate / 'long-established tradition of academic excellence' - Yale's Secondary: School of Medicine [9]

I am fervently interested in pursuing my degree of Doctor of Medicine at Yale University because of its long-established tradition of academic excellence, where I know I will receive the best education possible

^You are not referring to a place here.

Yale creates an environment wherein which I can focus on understanding and appreciating medicine, rather than competing for certain grades or class rankings

*Your essay is good.
Are you applying for a Masters program? wow.
When is the deadline to submit this by the way? Are you applying under some early program?
Best of luck :)

Undergraduate / Need help on my admissions essay - Art Institute, San Francisco [14]

Thats great to hear. The coversheet and everything looks great. Good stuff.
x

Undergraduate / "people should "stick with their own kind" - University of Michigan essay [26]

It is a common myth that people should "stick with their own kind" because once people experiment they will find different cultures don't mix.

^I do not like that sentence that I highlighted in bold. It is rather, controversial.

My parents defied that myth when they married and when my mom gave birth to her bi-ethnic child-me . Of both African-American and Hispanic descent I know what it is to experience mixed culture.have experienced a mixture of cultures

Maybe the myth has some validity because my parents divorced. Maybe they were too different. Only eight years old at the time, I thought they looked the same; they had the same color skin. I thought they were both only black (African-American). Later, however my older sister helped me see this from a different perspective.made me see differently.

My sister and I were in a supermarket when she told me my dad was Hispanic. I told her "No he's not. He's black, he has dark skin." She laughed and told me that just because he looked a little different didn't mean she was wrong. She explained to me his parents were Cuban immigrants and had Cuban ancestry which in return made memakes me half Cuban, half black.

After I learned a little about myself and the concept of ethnicities from my sister, I understood the importance of mixing them since I was a mix of two different ones. At the University of Michigan I would contribute an open mind about groups of people not sticking to their own kind.

^I think your conclusion needs to be a bit more striking to readers than what you have already posted. How did you suddenly learn the importance of mixing two ethnicities, by just learning about the concept of ethnicities? You say that because you are a mixture, it is important to mix ethnicities? Why do you think this and how can we mix ethnicities? (You should consider addressing this. It would show a better understanding of mixing ethnicities)

Would you not contribute an 'open mind' to those who stick to their own ethnic groups. That suggests that you will knowingly not want to integrate with certain parts of the student body.