Undergraduate / Best Friend's Suicide (COMMON APP ESSAY PROMPT #1) [12]

Much better. You seem much more thoughtful and compassionate in your latest version. When you say


does this mean you volunteer at hotline or clinic or something along those lines? If so, this would be the place to mention it.

Undergraduate / A "dorky" friend who changed my life----Common application person's influence [7]


Isn't that how you have it already?

Undergraduate / In five or six sentences, tell us how you first became interested in BU [10]

"during the field trips with my AVID class"

I don't know that there is much point in revising further anymore. You aren't given a lot of room to begin with, and what you have know answers the question well enough.

Undergraduate / A "dorky" friend who changed my life----Common application person's influence [7]

Overall a good essay. A couple of things, though:

You use the word "dork" or its variants enough times near the beginning of your essay to trigger semantic satiation in the reader. While it is sort of a neat effect, you probably don't want to distract the admissions officers with it.


This entire paragraph seems out of place in your essay. It seems as if it would be better moved to nearer the end.

Undergraduate / 'Weeks in China, born in Japan' -STANFORD supplement [5]


Which one was your birth place? And is whichever one it is really your "dominant" culture?

Apart from that, these essays are all very well-written. Most of them are too short for you to add anything, so I'd say you're in good shape.

Undergraduate / 'Volunteering at East Brunswick Rescue Squad' Rutgers Admissions Essay [3]


Nothing you have written so far answers this question. As this is the only question the prompt asks you to deal with, this is a problem. If you want to talk about the experiences you mention, you are going to have to tie them in to whatever answer you come up with for the prompt question. You absolutely do not want to write an essay in which you don't even begin to address the prompt until after the first couple of paragraphs.

Undergraduate / UNCW admission essay -- how to improve it? [2]

Rewrite this to focus on more specific details. You worked hard in school and enrolled in martial arts classes as a kid. Great. That makes you exactly like most other university applicants. Provide some personal, narrative anecdotes that show how hard working you are. Talk about your goals beyond being a good student. What do you want to study? Why? Try to stand out from the crowd in a positive way.

Letters / "don't want to scare you away" - Stanford Roommate Essay [6]


That's the problem, right there. This would be an excellent letter to your prospective roommate if it were in fact a letter to your prospective roommate. Of course, it isn't -- it's a letter to the admission officers. So, the letter has to put you in as positive a light as possible. This doesn't do that. Even potentially positive points (you're sociable and never at a loss for words!) are phrased negatively (broken record, won't stop talking). Some of the random details you include are okay -- they give a good sense of who you are, simply by your decision to include them, and they don't say anything bad about you -- but you should try and unify most of this essay, like any application essay, around one or two key positive traits that you want the admissions officers to know that you possess.

Undergraduate / "How diverse can our world possibly be?" - common app: last prompt on Diversity [6]

Cut the first paragraph entirely. It adds nothing to your essay. What is currently your second paragraph will do as an introduction. Your description of the accident in your third paragraph is really strong and gripping. Your conclusion is okay, though a tad predictable.


You enjoyed the first one so much you decide to have others?

"In a flash, she had thrown her body onto me as a protection to keep me safe."

Writing Feedback / "Gross National Happiness" as a measurement of the success of the country. Maryland Essay #4 review [2]


If you know it is a cliché, why not come up with a more original phrasing.


Elaborate on this. Provide specific examples of ways in which this could be achieved. You can cut the stuff at the end of your essay about the U.S. to make room to do so, if necessary.

Undergraduate / Best Friend's Suicide (COMMON APP ESSAY PROMPT #1) [12]

You should write about the feelings and thoughts the experience provoked, editing out those that might give a negative impression of you. I can't be more specific than that, because I don't know exactly how you felt or what you thought. Many people who have friends who commit suicide struggle with feelings of guilt (how could I not have known?), self-doubt (could I have done something to stop it?), anger (how dare they do this to me?). Hopefully, they eventually move past this, realizing the answers are "no," "no," and "it wasn't about me," and begin to reflect on the matter less personally. So, how can someone choose to die, especially when there is nothing physically wrong with them? Is this activity peculiar to humans? If so, what does it say about us? And so on. As I said, I don't know how you felt or what you thought, which is in a sense the whole problem, because after reading an essay by you on this topic, I really probably should know exactly that.

Letters / SPECIAL: A documentation explaining my homeschooled background. [7]

Oh. I see what you mean. You mean a distance learning private school. A distant private school is merely one that is located far away from where you are now, and Florida is indeed fairly far away from China. It does not imply that you will be learning from home over the Internet. But yes, I would use paragraphs for the document. You can still keep the different headings, but the material under them should probably be written in grammatically correct, coherent paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / Win is always your if you do fight from your deep heart. A success does not depend from luck. [8]

Your thesis should probably be something along the lines of "Success often requires a combination of good luck and hard work, but of the two, hard work is the more important. This is true because . . ." Then list your reasons, and you have a decent intro. The examples you use are solid, but the connective material needs altering to tie everything back more clearly and concisely to your thesis.

Undergraduate / "Well-blended Combination" - U or Mich - diversity essay [2]

I like the approach you have taken and the narrative example you use to support it. Some more background might be nice, though. Why did you decide to work at the Dream Center? What did you learn about the homeless people you were helping by engaging them in conversation? After all, dealing with people from a different socioeconomic class must also have been a learning experience in diversity.

Research Papers / factors affecting stock market - Research topic [21]

Well, it's certainly something you can research and write on. You might, after doing some preliminary research, narrow it down by looking in detail at how one factor works, presumably choosing the one that interests you the most.

Essays / having problem with my synthesis paper [3]

I would assume that the two articles each take a different point of view of global warming. A synthesis paper would presumably involve trying to reconcile the two opposing points of view, taking the facts listed in each into account. The reason you wouldn't be allowed to use outside sources is because the goal of the assignment isn't to try to destroy one argument or to bolster the other, but to learn to integrate two opposing viewpoints. At least, that's what it sounds like to me. So, you might start by briefly summarizing each of the two arguments, perhaps each in its own paragraph, then move on to a discussion of how the two arguments can be combined in some way. It would help if you could provide links to the two articles, as more detailed feedback is harder to give without them.

Letters / SPECIAL: A documentation explaining my homeschooled background. [7]

I'd go less with a list format and more with complete paragraphs throughout. Beyond that, I'm confused. You say


but the essay is all about why you are attending one private school over another, which has nothing to do with homeschooling as far as I can tell.

Undergraduate / 'fond of origami' - MIT short answer, something you like to do [6]

The contraction sounds fine. The essay is as well-written as it can be given the word limit, except for the last sentence. The last sentence contains a few too many items, and the parallel structure doesn't really hold up by the end. You should be able to revise it fairly easily, though.

Student Talk / Six "W" on transcript! [8]

I think it's probably taken as a sign that the student was likely to fail or do very badly, or else planned their schedule badly. Neither is a great indication that the applicant will be a strong student.

Undergraduate / Best Friend's Suicide (COMMON APP ESSAY PROMPT #1) [12]



You start off by introducing the notion that the most important aspect of your best friend's suicide, from your point of view, is how it affected you academically. This does not say good things about you. Worse, all the things you describe in the second half of your essay are not convincingly tied back to Joceyln, because they are just ordinary things most intelligent students with concerned parents end up doing in order to prepare for university. That is, you are almost certainly the sort of person with the sort of background who would have ended up with a decent G.P.A. and list of extra-curriculars even if Jocelyn were still alive, or had never existed at all. If you want to write a separate essay explaining the dip in your G.P.A as a result of having to cope with Jocelyn's death, that's fine. But if you are going to write on the prompt you gave on this thread, then you need to talk more about how the experience really affected you.

Undergraduate / Any ideas on the u of m business school essay? Ross School of business [5]


Well, then, you are the sort of person the essay is meant to weed out of the applicant pool, and you will save both you and the admissions officers time by not applying. Or, perhaps, you can think of something if you really try. Start by asking yourself questions. What problems exist in your community? Which ones could be addressed by an organization working for change? Which of these seems most important to you? Why? How might you go about setting up this organization?

Writing Feedback / Abortion: Why it should be Illegal. [2]

Your essay is too shallow. I don't know if you have time to fix it before you hand it in, but you might want to do so anyway, simply as practice for the next time you have to do such an assignment. For one thing, you don't really define and build up your own arguments very well. For another, you don't address the opposing point of view at all, which is sort of necessary when writing on an intractable issue such as this.


Okay, so when does a fetus become a human being? At the very moment of conception? Can a single fertilized cell, with no brain, no capacity for pleasure or pain, not even the smallest spark of sentience, be considered a human being in the same way you or I can, even though it cannot possibly survive as anything other than a part of its mother? If so, on what grounds do you grant it such a status?


So? In the broadest possible sense, this is at most a good reason why women should choose not to have abortions. It is not a good reason for taking away their ability to make such a choice. More narrowly, it raises the question of why women would choose to have an abortion if it takes such a toll on them. You ignore this question, which you absolutely have to deal with if you want your essay to be at all convincing to anyone.


Babies don't get aborted. Fetuses do. The line between fetus and baby blurs over time, of course, which is why late term abortions are often banned while forms of birth control such as the morning after pill, which can in some cases can act as an abortifacient, are not. You again ignore such distinctions, whereas the whole reason for the debate lies in their existence.


Banning it legally is certainly possible. Actually preventing it from happening is something else again. How do you stop a woman who is determined to have an abortion from finding some way of inducing one, or from finding a doctor willing to help her out despite the legal risks? And doesn't the very fact that these questions arise show that abortion is not, in fact, in the same category as murder, about which such questions do not arise?

Try rewriting this essay to address some of the concerns mentioned above, and see if you can't come up with a more thoughtful and nuanced defense of your thesis.

Book Reports / Having trouble developing a good thesis for The Iliad... [5]

"Homer sees a greater value in life than glory and material possessions, which runs contrary to the beliefs prevalent at the time he wrote his Epic."

Yep, that's a thesis, no doubt about it. As for being effective, that depends on whether or not you can marshal enough evidence from the text to make a good case for it. Why not write up the ideas you have in support of your statement so far and post a rough draft here for more detailed feedback?

Speeches / Assumptions (Answer to a question) [2]

This needs a lot of revision:


Um, this isn't strictly speaking a truism, but it comes close enough that you probably don't need to state it.


There are multiple things wrong with this sentence. First, it is a run-on. Second, the correct answer to what? In what sort of situations? You need more context, as this doesn't really work as a generalization. Third, what do you mean by "own logic?" In what ways can there be multiple logics? Fourth, can you choose the truth in the sense you mean? If they do choose the truth, then wouldn't they be right, in fact? Fifth, if they allow for a margin of error, then your first sentence is completely wrong.


Given how little sense your first paragraph makes, the "this" here is wholly unclear.


What makes you think they don't?


This they certainly do.


At least some must.


This isn't bad advice, but you haven't shown that this isn't already prevalent, or said anything particularly thoughtful beyond this.

Undergraduate / Stanford (elaborate on one of your activities) essay: [3]

Well, that's all very nice. But why do you do all this? What does it mean to you? And how does this relate to your plans for attending university?

Undergraduate / Best Friend's Suicide (COMMON APP ESSAY PROMPT #1) [12]

The event you have chosen to write about is powerful and moving. Your reflection on how that event affected, you, though, is less so. If you were writing on a different prompt, such as the optional one in which you explain things like a sudden dip in your grades, it might not seem this way. But, as it is, you are supposed to be writing about the importance of the experience itself on how it shaped you, and instead of reflecting on the deep emotional issues involved, you take the opportunity to state your G.P.A. and list your extra-curricular activities, neither of which you should be doing in your essays anyway, as you presumably have already done this elsewhere on your application. You might be better off taking out that material and replacing it with a more detailed description of Jocelyn, on a thoughtful reflection on how coping with her suicide affected you as a person, rather than as a student.

Writing Feedback / Compare and contrast of my children [4]

Better. You can still tighten things up a bit, though.


This is fine, but you go on to repeat it a couple of more times. Condense the second half of this paragraph down. The point is clear enough not to need belaboring.


True, but not something you need to bring up here. You are trying to draw a contrast, and this muddies the waters. I'd suggest cutting this paragraph.

Undergraduate / A Conversation with Myself: Our Life. Common Application Main Essay. [18]


Don't tell; show, instead. If you are hard working and independent, relate in detail an experience you have had in which you demonstrated these qualities. If you can tie that experience in to your father's influence, so much the better given your current approach to the essay.

Undergraduate / Stereotyped beliefs will modify a person's behavior only; Amherst College [3]


The word "solely" does some odd things in here, and few if any of the possible interpretations seem likely to be ones you actually mean.

Beyond that, your essay is solid, though it would be nice to see you go into more depth and to explore the issue with a bit more nuance. For instance, this seems overly simplistic:


Not getting any given job isn't going to have this effect. Pervasive, widespread racial discrimination in corporate hiring policy might. But, really, you could look at more subtle ways in which this might work. So, for instance, if a teacher thinks Asian students are all good at math, might the teacher encourage Asian students more than others to pursue math and science courses, hence tending to fulfill the stereotype? If a teacher thinks African-American students aren't very good at academics, might the teacher offer less support and help to such a student who struggles in school than s/he might otherwise do. Also, you might look at how stereotyped people themselves decide to fulfill the stereotypes. So, if African-American kids see a lot of African-Americans portrayed as criminals on television, or in the news, might they not start acting as criminals, simply because, for better or for worse, most people try to fulfill others' expectations of them?

Writing Feedback / Compare and contrast of my children [4]

It seems as if you are saying that while Max and Sydney have many superficial differences, they share the same core values. You should probably state this as a thesis, and tie all of your paragraphs back to it. At the moment, you seem to mostly give the personal preferences equal weight in importance to the values, which makes the essay, especially the first half, seem like a bit of a random list.

Graduate / "Passion in life..." - Statement of purpose for electrical and computer department [7]


Indeed. I'd say you should try revising this so that the word count is around 2/3 of what it currently is. That should greatly strengthen the essay.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay: The Life of a Mind Detective [17]

Again, this is a case of being able to tighten up your writing to save on words:

"When I was 3 years old, my grandfather escorted me to kindergarten on a bus which ran so slowly it seemed it would never reach its destination--too boring for a lively kid like me."

Poetry / The United Nations... They go there whenever they want to go... [9]

I like the jaded cynicism that the poem works its way into. Try cutting out as many of the small words as possible to tighten up the imagery. Alternatively, you could rewrite it so that you are using a set meter. Either would make your poem sound more poetic.

Undergraduate / Common App-volunteer work at community center... making it flow better? [8]

Personally, I don't see much wrong with using "thus," though "so" also works. In this case, though, you might want to just combine your first two sentences into one, and eliminate the need to choose altogether.

Undergraduate / A Conversation with Myself: Our Life. Common Application Main Essay. [18]

Not bad. It'd be better if you decided what you wanted the essay to say about *you*, then revised it to make sure everything you have included in it works towards that goal. At the moment, your Dad seems like he would be a great applicant. The essay doesn't really say that much about you as an applicant, though, which is a problem since you are the one who wants to get in. This is especially important if you are no longer writing on a "person of influence" topic but on one of your choice, as you should choose to write about something that makes you look really good.

Writing Feedback / Win is always your if you do fight from your deep heart. A success does not depend from luck. [8]

Beyond the English grammar problems, which you will only overcome with a lot of hard work and time, your essay ideas are also too simplistic. Bill Gates was born into an upper middle class family (luck on his part). This gave him the opportunity to go to university, to learn about computers, etc. So, while he is undoubtedly a hard worker, and while hard work was very important to his success, luck also played a key role in his rise to success.

Undergraduate / Stanford Short Essay (needs editing) [2]

These are very interesting ideas, though Schrodinger's Cat was a thought experiment meant to show how ridiculous quantum theory was, and to highlight the fact that it was almost certainly wrong, much as the phlogiston theory was. Adding some of your own reflections, drawing some of your own comparisons, and otherwise personalizing this essay will greatly enhance it, as the prompt does ask you to talk about *your* ideas. This means that you have a good start, but need to add more.

Undergraduate / 'Numbers and workouts' - Common APP Main Essay: Goals and Obstacles [2]


You start out mixing present and past tense in grammatically incorrect ways. This does not bode well.


Actually, the grammar hasn't been too bad so far. Here, though, you have pronoun-referent mismatch.


Okay, the essay starts out seeming like its going to be a bit dull, but it turns out all right for the most part. However, this sentence needs either cutting or revising. By definition, people push to achieve their goals -- that's what goals are, things we push to achieve. It's a truism, and so not very interesting to read.

Undergraduate / COMMON APP - "Snake" [9]

Hmmm . . . the "snake" game doesn't really seem relevant to the rest of your essay. The rest of your essay talks about how you like to beat other people, and were inspired to push your boundaries just to show up an academic rival. While it is good that you pushed your boundaries and did new things, your motivation wasn't really the greatest. As such, the essay doesn't put you in a very positive light. Decide what you want the essay to say about you. Then, choose an experience of yours you can narrate in detail that will show that you possess whatever quality you have chosen. This should lead you to a much stronger essay.

Undergraduate / I get caught skipping school and in the middle of the pursuit [2]


Your narrative is really quite engaging. You need to elaborate a bit more on this, though. The way you describe things at the moment, it seems as if what you actually learned is that you couldn't skip school without getting caught. Not wanting to be in trouble is not the same as deciding that you should study for your own benefit. So, you need to explain more clearly how you came to that conclusion.