Undergraduate / She knows what it feels like to be strong in STEM as a female. Barnard [5]

@Holt

Hi Holt,

Could you please briefly give me a couple of suggestions about this supplement?

Undergraduate / I am an elastic and completely down-to-earth guy. A note to my future roommate. (250) [12]

Hi Nandasharma,

Which one is higher?

- the likelihood of an admission officer understands the word "hackathon" like you do?
or
- the likelihood of an admission officer understands the word "hackathon" like Holt does?

It is very very highly that the second one. And we know that there is no way for you to make any correction on admission officer's knowledge because you will now know who your reviewer is. It's not what you know, or what the reality is, what count is how the admission officer will interpret it.

Therefore, I agree with Holt 100%

Undergraduate / Tufts Essays: What Will They Know About Me/What Can I Improve? [2]

@mgbseventeen

Hi,

I think you should remove two of your supplement essays because essayforum just allows one supplement per post. So I will only give you feedback on your first supplement, Why Tufts.

I think it is a pretty solid statement especially the last lines which is very enthusiastic. I just can not be so sure of this sentence, "There will be times where I may fail, times when I won't be the most intelligent in a discussion or class. " I am sure you are a strong candidate for Tufts so I think you can maybe replace that sentence with something even better. Its good that you ar saying that you arent "perfect" and that you may fail and mine is a mere suggstion. But I'd say try something else that would make your statement even better.

Undergraduate / Teaching, Research, Service -- Lehigh and me [8]

@Holt

Hi Holt I finished my Lehigh supplement. When you have time could you please take a look at it? Thank you.

PS--Sorry about all the supplements. I am trying to wrap up all the schools I am applying to by January 1st & i if it werent for you i dont know how I would ever finish them.

Ever since I knew it, I have always enjoyed exercising to keep in shape. So, when the Lehigh representative talked about the hills at Lehigh, I imagined myself going up and down those stairs. Two for one: I would go from class to class and build leg muscles at the same time. How cool is that?

As I began to explore Lehigh I discovered a common goal between us--teaching others, taking part in research, and being committed to research.
In high school, I served as a Big Sister mentor for elementary students. It was a struggle to take the attention of the students at first but after going through many articles on kid's behaviors, I decided to engage students with fun educational math games. Through such activities students were excited to learn and improve upon their weaknesses. Lehigh and I both have a common goal of teaching others in a creative manner, that is through involvement.

Next, I was involved in the Science Olympiad team. In tenth grade I took part in many Science Events, one being Anatomy and Physiology where I won 5th place at NJIT University. Similarly, I was assigned the event It's About Time last year, a physics and build project. Participating in such events with my friends allowed me to expand my research skills and work in unity. Like Lehigh, I am dedicated to research and advancing learning through inquiry.

Lastly, I was always involved in interfaith dialogues in my community. As a Turkish American who is the product of the synthesis of the Eastern and Western values, I value different cultures and the promotion of deep mutual understanding. Lehigh goes beyond tolerance to explore all cultures and deeply embraces diversity. We both have a common goal of learning through service to others and appreciating different cultures. I believe I would be able contribute to the well-being of the Lehigh community through "incLUsion" by building bridges with other cultures.

I want to spend my next four years in a community where teaching, research, and service are all part of learning. Lehigh is that place.

Writing Feedback / Regulating killing crimes law has to be the top priority taken by officials and authorities. [10]

Hi Ahmed,

I think the 3rd paragraph in your essay is out of the scope of your prompt. The prompt is asking do you agree or disagree with "life in prison is a better punishment for murderers" in terms of "punishing murderers with the death penalty, society is also guilt of committing murder ".

If life in prison is a better punishment then these people have the right to have their expenses be covered in the jail...I
f, on the other hand, life in prison is NOT a better punishment then executing these people should be based on their crime not based on the burden of their expenses on the government, so they again have the right to have their expenses be covered in the jail. So, in both cases, this should be out of the discussion.

Undergraduate / As an American Muslim, I love immersing myself into conversations. [5]

Thank you, Holt.

After more research, I noticed that "cultural" programs are promoted more than "religious or interfaith dialogue" programs in Tufts, therefore I have changed my response as below.

In my college search process, every college formed a different personality in my mind like "persona of the college". Tufts formed a "warm, friendly, and good-hearted" personality.

Coming from an immigrant family, I am a product of the synthesis of the Eastern and Western values. I have been active organizing multicultural activities in my community. My combined identity gave me a world-view to recognize different cultures. I believe I will contribute to the well-being of Tufts community through "Tufts Diversity & Inclusion Working Group" to promote deep mutual understanding.and make students feel included following the footsteps of Dr. Bernard Harleston.

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

@Holt
I am so happy, Holt! Thanks for guiding me through the essay. Without you the essay would not have been this perfect. I appreciate all the help you gave me.

Undergraduate / Reciting a poem backwards. Lehigh. You've just reached your one million hit on your youtube video. [7]

Hi Alexgzm,

Very interesting talent! I don't know if it comes as a skill with birth or that is it learned?

The first thing I noticed is you have very long sentences that can be cut into 2 or 3 short sentences:

Example: I acquired this quirky talent when I was around 8 years old and started playing a game in my head where I would look for license plates in which the three letters of the plate added had the same value as the three numbers added.

You may correct this sentence: "But later on I realized its actually traits like this that make a person unique and instead of trying to hide them, we should foster them because they add up to one's singularity."

as

But later on, I realized that traits like this make a person unique; therefore instead of trying to hide them, I should foster them because they add up to one's skills.

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

Thank you, Holt. Word count is 514/650.

Here is the last version altogether:

TRUE PROFIT

A small, empty pouch sits on my desk. Every now and then, I glance in its direction and smile. Ironically, its emptiness fulfills me. The pouch inspires me to see the positive in every aspect of my life, starting with my experience at a flea market fair.

On a Saturday morning last summer, a flyer came in the mail that read: "New Jersey Flea Market Fair - Sell your items and earn money. No registration needed!" I have always wanted to contribute to my single-income family because I saw how far a dollar went toward bare essentials as well as my sister's scoliosis therapy costs. So, I seized this opportunity and started to gather items I could sell.

On the day of the fair, I felt my heart thumping, tinged with a hint of anticipation as I prepared my stand. Before I knew it, my first customer approached. A lady went through my items and decided to buy one of my dresses. Receiving my first earnings, I beamed; the couple of dollars I earned felt like millions.

Inviting buyers to look at my stand, I sold item after item. My pouch was brimming with money. "Success!" I thought. As the sun began to set and the rush of buyers slowed down, a manager walked toward me. I assumed that she was going to look through my items too but instead she said, "Please pay the stand fee."

What? A stand fee? I was stunned into silence. Handing over the hefty payment, I realized my dream to help purchase a scoliosis brace for my sister was dashed. I suddenly felt empty, like I had finished a movie with an abrupt ending.

Before disappointment could fully settle in, from far away, I caught sight of the small boy walking with my old box of marbles. I could still see his excitement as he swung the box back and forth. His joy reminded me of the lady who found comfort from my red sweater, the teenage girl who adored my sneakers, and the conversation I had with the old man who was thrilled to find picture frames for his granddaughter. As I looked back at my empty pouch, I could not help but smile. Although I had failed to contribute to my family's expenses, I realized that I was able to contribute to a larger family: my community.

So my empty pouch remains on my desk. Looking at it, I am reminded that there is something good in every day; it just needs to be discovered. Just as pearls form in oysters because of irritations, so I now notice positive opportunities that might potentially be hidden in failures. As a takeaway from the fair, when I find myself in positions that are less than ideal, I veer toward a positive attitude and do not let failures bring me down. Internalizing this principle drove me to look at situations from different perspectives. In retrospect, I am glad that I was not aware of the stand fee. Otherwise, how else would I have made a big profit?

Undergraduate / Thrill interspersed with some doubts - CSID application [4]

Hi Shuprova,

Outlining the essay like below might help to see the missing parts:

The activity: "to help and spend time with the unfortunate children with all sorts of disability, doubtful about my capability to get along with them since I've never dealt with anything like this before."

Your goals:"Initially I wanted to visit the slum areas twice a month and spend the weekend getting to know their lives. I wanted to build a sense of trust. By assisting the senior workers with demonstrating social safeguard actions and giving them knowledge about the government and its plans for underprivileged kids such as 'child budgeting' I realized I wanted to visit them more therefore I made weekly visits."

The role you played: I think this part is missing. What was your role, position, title during this activity?

What you learned in the process: The last paragraph should mention what you have learned from the activity. But as you will notice yourself, you went back and explained the activity itself, and finally how you enjoyed it. But there is no clear statement about what you "learned"

Apart from the serious work, the children and volunteers spend afternoons singing, dancing and reciting. I was amazed by the talent present there. It was truly an enlightening experience. Saying goodbye to the kids was really tough. I can honestly say, and my colleagues can vouch for this, I have become so much more grateful and still learning to be happy with little in life.

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

Thank you very much Holt.

What about this:

What? A stand fee? I was stunned into silence seeing that my earnings were barely enough for the fee. As I handed over the hefty payment, I realized my dream to help to purchase a scoliosis brace for my sister was dashed. I felt empty, like finishing a movie with an abrupt ending.

And also, is the word "dream" to BIG here? If yes, do you think changing "I realized my dream to help to purchase a scoliosis brace for my sister was dashed" with the one below might be better?

"I realized my hope helping to purchase a scoliosis brace for my sister would not be fulfilled."

Undergraduate / Nepal matters. Am I on the right track of this essay ? [6]

Hi Nanda,

Congratulations for being a concerned citizen and caring about your country's needs.

Just re-phrasing what Holt suggested: Yes the "topic is broad without specific limits" but not about everything exists, it's more aiming to get something that matters for "yourself". That broadness is referring to the areas that you can tell from your life, interests, experiences, likes/dislikes.

From your essays, a college admission officer will know you as one of the thousands Nepal citizens concerning about Nepal's situation but will not necessarily know who you are, and how you stand out in thousands (which is the intention of the essay).

Graduate / Request for further improvements on my application essays （content, logic...） [6]

Hi Ysydiana,

I think your essay is very condensed and contain fully technical information on the field. I am not sure if a "regular" admission officer will understand the whole essay and be able to evaluate what it values. In the essay, there are no definitions or explanations of the terms such as "index, penetration, target group index, SEM, KPI, CTR", and my guess is the admission officer would know these only if he/she has past experience in this field. Do you know specifically if your essays will be reviewed by people coming from the field?

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

You are absolutely right Holt, thank you. I don't know how I removed that important detail. For the "adding little drama" part, do you think changing this:

What? A stand fee? I was stunned into silence. As I handed over the hefty payment, I felt empty, like I had finished a movie with an abrupt ending. All of my earnings were gone.

with this would fit?

What? A stand fee? I was stunned into silence. As I handed over the hefty payment, I realized my dream to help to purchase a scoliosis brace for my sister was dashed. I felt empty, like finishing a movie with an abrupt ending.

And also:
Do you think removing "All of my earnings were gone" is a good idea? My concern is the reader might not know the fee almost was as much as the earnings. Do you think it's clearly understood from the context? Or should I put it back?

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

You too Holt!

Dd you mean like this? Please don't repeat almost the same text in more than one place.

I just want to know that the essay is complete from you because I respect your suggestions the most.

On a Saturday morning last summer, a flyer came in the mail that read: "New Jersey Flea Market Fair - Sell your items and earn money. No registration needed!" I have always wanted to contribute to my single-income family because I saw how far a dollar went toward bare essentials as well as my sister's scoliosis therapy costs. So, I seized this opportunity and started to gather items I could sell.

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

Hello Holt,

I just wrapped up my essay and I was just going to ask if you could take a look at this hopefully final version. What do you think of it? Do you think I should change any grammar, word choices, or anything of the sort? Maybe any content error?

TRUE PROFIT

A small, empty pouch sits on my desk. Every now and then, I glance in its direction and smile. Ironically, its emptiness fulfills me. The pouch inspires me to see the positive in every aspect of my life, starting with my experience at a flea market fair.

On a Saturday morning last summer, a flyer came in the mail that read: "New Jersey Flea Market Fair - Sell your items and earn money. No registration needed!" I have always wanted to contribute to my family expenses ...

Undergraduate / Beyond rankings, location, athletics, why Georgia Tech? Why Gatech? [8]

Hi,

Here are my suggestions:

I like computer science for creating new things with codes. I think you should go in with a hook grabber. And also you are being repetitive with your phrases. When you say, "...for creating new things with codes." the reader already knows that computer science people code. Hmmm. You do not have to use this sentence but maybe something like, "Computer Science is a brilliant game that takes my interest because it is everywhere-laptops, iPads, mobile devices. It fascinates me to understand the underlying CS that controls our world." This is just a suggestion. If you want to use it, then do so. But like I said, "I like computer science" is just an ordinary way to start your essay.

Computer scientists combine codes and different ideas together to solve all kinds of problems. This sentence does not really add to your paragraph. In fact it adds nothing because you are literally describing what a computer science does, which I am sure admission officers know who and what they do. So, I believe it would be in your best interest to take it out.

Interested in Gatech, I am actually interested... I do not know if you noticed but you used interested twice.

experience in Lorraine, ,...

Only whenWhen I know the beauty and trouble of the world will I have more beautiful creation solving more problems. This is just a recommendation because this sentence kind of sounded awkward.

Overall comments: Ok. I think your supplement is good in that it is very specific. I like that. I feel like the only potential problem I saw here was your word choices. I know it is hard to think something, "outside the box" but for these supplements try to be unique. (Dont worry I am writing my own supplements too and I know they are hard.) For instance, I think "learning beyond the classroom" is overused and many people use it in their supplements. I am not saying it is wrong to put it in but I think if you just think a little bit harder and try to come up with something that catches the eye of the reviewer like using figurative language then it just becomes more interesting. Was I able to make my point?

Like I said, if you want help with word choices I can help you with that. Just choose your sentences and I can maybe help you come up with something. Other than that, like I said, this is good because it is specific and I believe you were able to tie it to yourself.

Good luck.

Undergraduate / The photography breaks linguistic and cultural barriers [3]

Excellent narrative, very well descriptive essay.

The only thing I will say is some of your sentences are long, I would shorten them, or make separate sentences.

And also, not everyone understands Spanish, do you think adding the English translation of the words in Spanish would be a good idea?

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

@Holt

Hi Holt,

Yes now I just read the essay without those references, and the essay definitely sounded much better! Just as a side note, I looked back at our previous conversations, I think it was post 13, that you suggested that I remove the reference of being an athlete, but still keep the part about how I approach tough situations (referring back to the unexpected stand fee). Do you suggest I do it that way or do you think that this version(on the bottom) is better? My intention of putting such situations into the essay was to show the reader that I was able to apply what I learned to everyday situations and to answer this part of the prompt: "How did it affect you, and what did you learn from the experience?" I can for sure see that your suggestions make the essay better but I wanted to ask you once more just to be sure.

So, my empty pouch remains on my desk. Looking at it, I am reminded that there is something good in every day; it just needs to be discovered. As a take away from the fair, when I find myself in positions that are less than ideal I veer myself toward a positive attitude and strive for the best outcome. Just as pearls form in oysters because of irritations, so now I notice positive opportunities that might potentially be hidden in failures. I learned to look at situations from a different perspective. Although I failed to contribute to my family expenses that day, I was able to contribute to a larger family: my community. In retrospect, I am glad that I was not aware of the stand fee. Otherwise, how else would I have made a big profit?

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

@Holt

Good Morning Holt. Thank you for all your review and feedback.

I wrapped the last paragraph like below adding a pearl-analogy.

Could you please take a look at it to see if everything fits?

So, my empty pouch remains on my desk. Looking at it, I am reminded that there is something good in every day; it just needs to be discovered. As a take away from the fair, when I find myself in positions that are less than ideal, I veer myself toward a positive attitude and strive for the best outcome. Internalizing this principle drove me to seek the same positivity in other areas of my life. Last year, when my volleyball team lost eight games in a row, I was not demotivated because I began to value my progress over time more than just winning or losing. Likewise, when I was working as a waiter at Ant Cafe, I approached tough situations, like frustrated customers, with resilience and treated problems as a learning process. I see failures as irritants in life just like pearls form in an oyster because of an irritation; no irritant, no pearl. Those "irritants" have positive opportunities hidden in them that trigger my inner-self energy. I am now able to look at things from a different perspective to see new possibilities. Although I was not able to contribute to my family expenses, I contributed to a larger family: my community. In retrospect, I am glad that I was not aware of the stand fee. Otherwise, how else would I have made a big profit?

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

Thank you Holt.

Actually, by saying the "larger family" I meant "the Community" not an extended family. Meaning, I am a member of my family, my community and my country. I couldn't contribute to my family but did to my community=larger family.

What if I change it like this: "Although I did not bring home money that day, I was able to contribute to a larger family: my community." What do you suggest for this sentence?

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

Thank you Holt.

What do you think for part adding the sentence: "My contribution was to the larger family where my family lives in."

So I will change

Although I failed to earn money that day, I gained something much more valuable: the excitement in the small boy's eyes to the smile from the old man. In retrospect, I am glad that I was not aware of the stand fee. Otherwise, how else would I have made a big profit?

with

From the excitement in the small boy's eyes to the smile from the old man, my contribution was to the larger family where my family lives in. In retrospect, I am glad that I was not aware of the stand fee. Otherwise, how else would I have made a big profit?

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

Thank you Holt.

So do you mean If I expand the "reason" part only, then I don't need to adjust/change the other parts? OR, if I expand the the "reason" part then I have to adjust all others accordingly?

Not to make it lengthy and not to loose the focus, (becasue my dad is the only person working in a 5-people family ), what do you think if I keep the "reason" as short as this:

"Having always wanted to earn my own money to experience a sense of personal financial achievement and to contribute to my family which has always been on a single income, I seized this opportunity."

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

Hi Holt,

As always, I am very thankful to you for all your feedback and contribution my college application process -:)

For the reason part: Do you think I should put it in a more general and broad purpose like the ones below? After your comment, I now think that, yes, just wanting a camera would be a simple and not that much significant reason to connect me properly to the points at the very end. Do you think any of these would fit better?

1-Having always wanted to earn my own money to experience a sense of personal financial achievement and to practice independence and self-reliance, I seized this opportunity and started to gather items I could sell.

2-Having always wanted to earn my own money to experience a sense of personal financial achievement and to contribute to family expenses, I seized this opportunity and started to gather items I could sell.

3-Having always wanted to earn my own money to contribute to family expenses, I seized this opportunity and started to gather items I could sell.

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

@Holt
Holt I was working on my supplements which is why I could not get this common app essay back to you. Do you have time to look at it please?

The lessons we take from failure can be fundamental to later success. Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what did you learn from the experience?

Undergraduate / I want to approach my values like limits in Calculus [19]

@Holt
Oh. Now I get it. Thanks for clarifying. I am working on the new version according to the points you have mentioned :)

Undergraduate / I want to approach my values like limits in Calculus [19]

@Holt
Holt sorry I may have not understood. What did you mean by, "you should also look into the fact that since you come from a country that limits the participation of women in the work force" ?

Undergraduate / I want to approach my values like limits in Calculus [19]

@Holt
Hi, Holt. So far I only touched the top paragraph and I will work with the second paragraph later.I made some adjustments like you said. What do you think of this version?

As a woman interested in the STEM field, I would like to work with female professors because the majors I intend on studying, Mathematics and Computer Science, are underrepresented by women. Throughout my high school, I was one of the few girls in math classes because many of my friends would not be up for the challenge of going for STEM. I am a feminist at heart. Therefore, I would like to continue my education at an institution synonymous with feminism: Barnard.

Supposedly, some students at Barnard have dropped Computer classes easily and later opened a tutoring space for themselves to motivate each other. I organized tutoring sessions to help females in both math and computer class; therefore, I would like to continue to serve as a mentor at the Barnard CS and Math help rooms.

One thing that I also love is immersing myself into warm conversations with people. As a Youth member of the Peace Islands Institute I was able to understand other faiths through interfaith dialogues and improve my interpersonal skills. Nothing describes the rush of excitement I get when I listen to other's opinions about certain issues. Barnard encourages such programs and dialogue. The BCRW blogs, which explores feminism and social justice, never leaves my attention. People come together to converse about issues and are motivated to make a change in society; this is the community I want to be part of. This is the community where I will be able to turn conversations into actions. A community where good actions are contagious.

Undergraduate / I want to approach my values like limits in Calculus [19]

@Holt
Maybe something like this? I can not be sure. What do you think of this revised version? I changed up a lot of things.

Honestly I think the last few sentences need to be changed up. What do you think?

Barnard because I am a feminist. As a woman interested in the STEM field, I would like to work with female professors because the majors I intend on studying, Mathematics and Computer Science, are underrepresented by women. Supposedly, some students at Barnard have dropped math and computer classes easily, thinking that these subjects are explicitly for men. Throughout my high school, I was one of the few girls in math classes because many of my friends would not be up for the challenge of going for STEM. Having organized tutoring sessions to motivate females, I want to continue to serve as a mentor at the Barnard CS and Math help rooms to help women in these subjects and let them know that they can succeed.

...

Undergraduate / I want to approach my values like limits in Calculus [19]

@Holt

Holt I cut out some of the beginning parts and I changed the essay up a little bit. Also I have about 30 more words to use as the word limit is 250 words.

I am having trouble answering this prompt. What else should I add or even remove here??

Barnard and Tufts are very important to me, so any of your comments are very appreciated, Holt.

AP Calculus
Limit x→ infinity (x^2)..........................................................................A Limit equation in Calculus

=infinity

Likewise:

Limit Mualla(that's me)→ Barnard (one of three girls in AP Computer Science)^2

= Feminism has always been a big part of me, which is why I want to be in an all girls school-Barnard. As a woman interested in the STEM field, I would love to work with female professors because the majors I intend on studying, Mathematics and Computer Science, are both male-dominated. I organized tutoring sessions to get females motivated ...

Undergraduate / What qualities that I possess could possibly add value to your community? To be honest, I don't know [10]

I am sorry about what you went through. Here are my suggestions:

I believe your essay would definitely benefit if you sounded a bit more confident in your essay. There is nothing wrong with accepting a failure; in fact that shows maturity on your part. But sound more bold in your writing. Admission officers want to see your eventual growth. Take this essay and make it more confident-sounding, if that makes any sense. For instance:

I do not think this part should be included: "When I had a chance, I didn't take it because I was afraid. I wasn't active in my community because I was afraid of it. As I look back, I ask myself, 'What was I so afraid of?" Honestly, I think I was afraid of the challenge" If you really want to include it then you have to say that you now are not afraid to take challenges. Because you basically leave the reader thinking that you are still afraid of taking challenges. What you can do is either take this out or leave it and insert phrases that will show that that you have grown out of these "afraid" moments. Admission officers want to admit students who have grown from their mistakes and are confident. Be brave in your writing.

I hope this was helpful. Feel free to ask me any other questions.

Undergraduate / Boston College Supplemental Essay- Physics is a part of me! [9]

@Holt

Yes I have to agree with Holt. You need to present something you approached more "creatively" rather than something that is academic. The essay you have written now is good but it does not fit in with with what the prompt is asking for. You probably had a problem or a time when you needed to find a creative solution. Tell us about that time. These supplements, like Holt always says, serve as your preeleminary interview. The interviewer wants to know you, the non-academic Nicholas. And make sure you are unique in your responses. Since this is about a time you needed to think creatively this won't be too hard. I'll read your next revision when you are finished.

Undergraduate / The simple (maybe the silly ;) things in life make me happy [4]

@Holt

Holt,
When you have a chance could you please take a look at my supplement?

Undergraduate / I love making smoothies; they make me happy-Supplements for Yale and Tufts [3]

Holt I wrote an essay and this is for Tufts not Yale. Could you please look at it? The supplements for Tufts is very important as I am applying ED2. Thanks you.. 1 essay at a time.