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Posts by EF_Team5
Joined: Apr 22, 2008
Last Post: Nov 27, 2008
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From: USA

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EF_Team5   
Sep 30, 2008
Undergraduate / Narrative Essay about a personal experience in which impacted your life [5]

Good afternoon.

The essay is currently successfully written in present tense. The times when you are thinking back to the memory about the day you "took" the ticket are appropriately in past tense. The statements where your mom is grilling you are in the present, and this is all appropriate. As you did so well in the present tense, leave it as it is; it works well. Were you to write it again in the past, almost everything would have to be changed, and you would lose some of the effect. For instance, "Realizing the implication of my alibi, the charges are dropped and "the documentation" recovered. A culprit was never found for "the misplacement of the ticket," partially because it was never misplaced, and mostly because charges are never bought up against the prosecutors" would have to be changed to, "I realized the implication of my alibi; the charges were dropped and "the documentation" was recovered. A culprit was never found for "the misplacement of the ticket," partially because it was never misplaced, and mostly because charges were never bought up against the prosecutors."

While it still makes sense, the impact is significantly lessened. All of the verbs, pretty much, would need to be changed to "ed" verbs.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 30, 2008
Essays / Essay length - should I abide by this? [5]

Good afternoon James.

Please reread through the original post; this is not an essay for a "tutor" or a normal course essay in which one could probably get away with going over a word count. This is for a college admissions board. In instances such as these dealing with a large amount of essays, even in cases such as government grants and such, many members will not even look at an essay that is not within their limits.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 30, 2008
Essays / help with an essay on propaganda [2]

Good morning.

Well, it seems that your instructor is looking for examples in which propaganda is found in our world today. Because this depends on specific information which you and your classmates have access to, I am very limited in my assistance with the content. I suggest you look through your assigned textbook for starters, and see if you can locate any instances in which propaganda has been used in recent years. You can also search the internet for "recent uses of propaganda" to see what is out there currently. For further research resources, you can contact your classmates, your instructor, your academic advisor, or media center specialist, as there are many resources, such as peer reviewed journals (JSTOR), that you will only have access to via your institution. I would also discuss with your instructor and/or your classmates to clarify exactly what is required to be covered in the essay; this will help make sure you know where you need to be headed with the text.

Once you have your research together, we can work on an outline, and a rough draft. Good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 30, 2008
Essays / Introduction-contrast, it needs to be long and catchy [3]

Good morning.

As you did not include the prompt or assignment with the post, I can edit what you have for grammar and mechanics only:

"Having a good job does not seem to happen to many people, especially for their first job. A lot of workers today are working but do not like what they are doing at all. Looking for a decent nice job does not come to everyone easily . I felt very lucky to be not part of those many people. I was fortunate that I loved my first job, and I consider it the best. It was an easy job, paid a decent wage, and was a nice workplace."

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 30, 2008
Undergraduate / Narrative Essay about a personal experience in which impacted your life [5]

Good morning.

The rules for dialogue are pretty easy to get used to. For example:
As the dominant parent, my mother took on the role of leading prosecutor while my father took on the role of a lesser prosecutor: "You stand trial here for the irresponsible use of public property resulting in the misplacement of documentation for the use of monthly transportation." In other words, I lost the monthly TTC (Toronto Transit Commission) pass.

If you choose to write in the present tense, you would use "says"; I would not recommend this, however, because it is very tricky and easy to get you as well as your reader confused.

The punctuation is always included on the inside of the quotation marks. As to what punctuation you will use depends on the structure of the entire sentence, not just the dialogue.

"My family is, in my opinion, a very typical family.
My family is like across the sky, and each member as a distinct pattern that merges into one dazzling design. My family supports one another like the legs of a chair, where each member is a leg that supports the others and bears the weight of one another. My family operates like a clock, where each member is a vital component that keeps it ticking. However, t here are times when I see my family as cold and calculating, much like the world of politics. In this world, every little error is ridiculed, analyzed, and someone held responsible. Needless to say, as a forgetful teen, I often found myself standing trial. This is what happened in the case of "Misplacement of Documentation."Nice opening.

As the dominant parent, my mother took on the role of leading prosecutor while my father took on the role of a lesser prosecutor: "You stand trial here for the irresponsible use of public property resulting in the misplacement of documentation for the use of monthly transportation." In other words, I lost the monthly TTC (Toronto Transit Commission) pass.

Keeping my head down to avoid her glare and taking a deep breath to calm myself, I search my mind for something that connected with "monthly pass, " without any success. I broaden my search to "transportation." Still nothing...

"Loss of documentation" is soon to be added to my list of many charges, many with punishments still unpaid for. I am losing ground fast and it is going to take a miracle for me to come out clean.

"Public property, " she continued, "which you took into your jurisdiction for the reason of travelling to the residence of your companion in the day before."

Up to my neck in accusations, I realize there is a slight irregularity to the story.
A flaw. No, bigger than that. A flaw so fatal that it will tear the whole case apart. A flaw so big that if it's imprinted into the Hoover Dam, it will force the dam to crack and shatter into a million pieces.

Keeping a blank expression as to let my prosecutors think she has won, I anticipate the last possible moment to strike so the prosecutor won't have a chance to react. In the back of my mind, I laughed manically knowing I had the case won.

"How do you plead?"
"Not guilty! " I boomed.
"It was my original intention to travel to the residence of my companion, " I continued with a smirk on my face, "but I decided to cancel the trip due to weather conditions and promptly returned the ticket."

"Let it be known that I, the prosecutor, have not received th---"
"I never needed the ticket," I interrupted, "I didn't have anything to do with it and therefore it can only be concluded that one of the other residence within this household---"

Resonant silence sweeps across the courtroom; if there were witnesses to the trial, clamour would certainly have broke out.
Realizing the implication of my alibi, the charges are dropped and "the documentation" recovered. A culprit was never found for "the misplacement of the ticket," partially because it was never misplaced, and mostly because charges are never bought up against the prosecutors.

I can hear the jury now...
"He's won it! The trail to be remembered throughout all ages! A trial I can be proud to say I partook in. A trial in where the everyday man won. He's beat the system!"

Today, the memory of the great trial of "Misplacement of Documentation" is well remembered, b ut is it not a source of pride or satisfaction. It is a source of shame and self realization. It does not mark a victory for the common people. Rather it is a just another one of the thousands of pointless arguments in which blame is tossed around like a game of hot potato. It shows our tendency to find fault in others before self. It signifies time wasted in search of a scapegoat that should have gone to right the wrong. I did not "beat" the system as much as I had brought out its flaws.

Flaws so gigantic, that if it was imprinted into our political system, it would slowly tear it apart, and shatter it into a billion pieces."

Excellent! The essay kept my attention throughout; you have a great example that keeps attention, and your conclusion wraps back up to your introduction very nicely. Very good work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 29, 2008
Undergraduate / "Can we make a difference in the world?" Notre Dame [8]

It is not a matter of making an exception; the system will not allow it. I cannot edit your member name. If you wish, you can make arrangements for payment, as per our terms of service which you agreed to upon membership for the deletion of the posts, and then you can create a new member profile and then repost the same material.
EF_Team5   
Sep 29, 2008
Undergraduate / "Can we make a difference in the world?" Notre Dame [8]

Each member only gets one name, and that is the identification you entered when you created your membership. You can create a whole new membership, but that will not remove the items that have been posted under your old ID.
EF_Team5   
Sep 29, 2008
Writing Feedback / Three main reasons that have inspired me to continue my education [4]

Every day we are challenged with new situations at work and the ability to apply the right knowledge to solve a problem in different ways is fascinating. I really enjoy what I do and acknowledge my strengths and weaknesses. I am confident that the master's program will help me sharpened my skills and overcome my weaknesses. The workforce is changing by the minute, the use of technology, a diversified work force, and outsourcing demands us to manage ourselves by doing more for less. We are challenged on a daily basis and if we are not prepared or up to date in understanding the changes affecting our organization, we will not be able to perform our jobs efficiently."

Good work. You make some good points and include a good amount of personal experiences and history.
EF_Team5   
Sep 29, 2008
Undergraduate / "I have never had a musical bone in my body" - common app essay [6]

Since the prompt was not posted with this essay, I can edit for grammar and mechanics only:

Your essay flows well and your transitions are smooth. It's organized, but you could talk a little bit more at the end about what you gained from this whole experience. Keep up the good work.
EF_Team5   
Sep 28, 2008
Undergraduate / 'more than trained physician, dentist or veterinarian' - essay about being a doctor [6]

When you are a doctor, people will look up to you when they are at their weakest point, and when they have no one else because a doctor helps maintain a sense of hope for the patient and his or her family.As I have stated in your essays previously, do not use "you" in formal academic writing.

It seems your essay answers the prompt effectively; you explain what you would bring to the program as well as how your contributions will effect the program. You give examples but keep it short enough that it is not too cumbersome.
EF_Team5   
Sep 28, 2008
Undergraduate / "Can we make a difference in the world?" Notre Dame [8]

The sarcasm is coming across either as arrogance or as conflictual remarks; it is very difficult right away to determine tone because there is nothing for your reader to compare it to. It is difficult to effectively use these literary devices in an opening for this exact reason; you may be better off to save this for further down in the text.
EF_Team5   
Sep 28, 2008
Writing Feedback / obstacles (definition essay) [2]

Good evening.

What is/are the prompt/specifics for this assignment? I am afraid I will need more details to be able to assist you.

Thank you.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 28, 2008
Undergraduate / Nameless Girl - An essay about someone who has made an impact on... [12]

Good evening.

This is a very well crafted, clean essay. It seems it is to be a creative, possibly fictional piece, but without specifics from the assignment it is difficult for me to tell whether or not it is exactly what your instructor is looking for. The flow is nice, and creatively the essay is a very powerful snapshot piece. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 28, 2008
Essays / How do you write a personal response essay? [8]

Good evening.

Since there are no specifics to the assignment, it is very difficult for me to say exactly what your instructor is looking for. Generally, almost all essays are "personal essays" as they contain your specific opinion, thoughts, and/or feelings about a specific topic. It mostly ends up being a very strong opinion piece about something, because there should be no effort to objectify your thoughts on the topic. There are usually no cited resources, no secondary opinions, and there is no concealment that this writing is your opinion.

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 28, 2008
Undergraduate / "The Melting Pot" - Common app Main essay [5]

Good evening.

I agree with j4ckieee; focus more on the prompt, more on actual events that you have gone through, specific examples of Miami being a melting pot. Also, try not to use "you" in formal academic writing such as this. Not only can it be offensive to some of your readers, it is inappropriate for materials such as this. Instead, try using "I" or "one".

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 28, 2008
Essays / The Jungle - animalism; Analyze the images and description [7]

It does describe what is happening to the animals, but it does not relate to Jurgis or his personality at all; it is merely the operation of slaughtering animals. There is no personification at all, merely description of the process.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 27, 2008
Essays / Describing an object through a capitalist lens! [2]

Good evening.

How about, "Weary of changing from my classic journal to this novel, inutile, nugatory bibliopegistical I regarded the unfamiliar book with contempt; its overly ornate structure will be a nuisance to aiding me in organizing my responsibilities."

Or something to that effect.

Try looking up "newfangledness" in a thesaurus; there are plenty of synonyms that you could use. You should stick with your idea that the new journal is a way to sway loyal users from one product in favor of a cheaper, less presigious item with more otiose features; that sounds like a very good foundation. If you can single out the features that are non-essential and then analyze them as to their lesser quality (perhaps how it is made, how durable it is, etc.) and minimal chance at longevity, you will be able to get your point across effectively.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 27, 2008
Undergraduate / Intern for Barack Obama's campaign ; EXTRACURRICULAR [2]

Good evening.

In the common app, it is usually best to use the brief space you have to explain what you do. There will be time later on in other essays for your creativeness to shine, but the common app is so short and sweet that it is the first brief presentation you have of yourself; it is a first impression.

Your essay is grammatically and mechanically clean. It's not too showy, but you could expand a little upon what your responsibilities are. How do you interact with voters? Your intro and conclusion tie together nicely and bundle up the piece very well. Good work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 27, 2008
Essays / The Jungle - animalism; Analyze the images and description [7]

I'm not sure the beginning would really be a good fit. Sinclair is describing the environment and the processing of the animal; we are observing the process, he is not giving Jurgis those animalistic properties. Is his temper or his violence animalistic?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 27, 2008
Writing Feedback / Naturalism in all of its naked horror - essay [2]

Good evening.

Well, you've definately gotten a topic, haven't you? :) Don't be afraid, it's just a fancy name for a thought anyway :) Hang in there.

Let's see: naturalism maintains that humans are just animals at the top of the food chain, without souls, spiritual or religious links, and are moulded solely by genetics and their environment. With that said, it was prevalent in English literature after Darwinian thought became popular. It is exactly the opposite to Romanticism and Surrealism (which are difficult to define and probably won't help you anyway). With that said, you could look at it like this; how many people had access to the books, fine art, and theater in the 19th century anyway? The wealthy and (somewhat) educated. How is it today? Almost everyone in the US has access to books and film, and most have been to a museum. Thus, the stretch of naturalism's arm reaches farther today to a wider audience than it did when it was young and fairly popular. You could also look at it from the point of view that those who are illiterate can still interpret and understand a painting or follow a film, thus ensuring that this school of thought will survive, much like the "survival of the fittest" theory it is founded on.

I hope this helps, and good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 27, 2008
Research Papers / Science fair research paper - how to start/goal of? [8]

Good afternoon.

Well, it sounds like you've got the toughest part done: you know your topic. As far as sample science fair research papers, or examples of other texts such as what you are to create, I suggest you conduct an internet keyword search for "science fair research papers"; this will give you an idea as to what is already out there.

As to "coldness" perhaps better could be "...weaken with heat and grow stronger with lesser temperatures" or something to that effect.

As to the introduction, I find it easier to write the rough draft with all of your data and information first, then do the conclusion, and wrap back around to the beginning and write the intro last. After all, how are you to write an intro explaining to your reader what you are going to tell them in the paper if you have not written the paper yet? :) I'm sure that once you have the rough draft organized you will find something to hook your readers with.

I hope this helps. When you get the rough draft together, feel free to post it to this thread and I can help you edit/proofread.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 27, 2008
Undergraduate / 'Neal bhai' - your activities (150 words or less) common app [4]

Good evening.

Grammatically and mechanically, your essay is clean. You do a good job of describing why you are involved with this activity, and your opening as well as your closing are effective.

Good job!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 27, 2008
Undergraduate / 'multifaceted culture' - Rutgers Undergraduate Admission; a vibrant community [7]

By "showing" you use adjectives, metaphors, and similies frequently but not too frequently in your writing. By being concise, organized, and discussing your points one at a time in order you will "show" your readers. Using too many cheesy metaphors or being disorganized in your order will "tell" your readers what you want them to know. Your first sentence "shows"; this sentence, 'Throughout the experience, I tried to instill in the young children various aspects and virtues of the Hindu religion that I learned while being a camper for 7 years' "tells".

Just another note, please read point #13 in our TOS regarding multiple postings of the same essays repeatedly.

Hope this helps.
EF_Team5   
Sep 27, 2008
Essays / Biographical essay - how to compose my starting sentence? [4]

Good morning.

I suggest starting in the middle when beginning an essay. Get your information together and organized, then write a quick rough draft with just the basic info. You can go from there and work on your paragraph content and transitions, then wrapping it up with a rough conclusion.

Once you have a rough idea of what your essay is going to look like and what you want to say, you can write your introduction. Writing the intro last makes sense because how are you to write an intro to a paper telling your readers what you are going to tell them if you don't know what you're going to tell them yet? :)

I find that this method works best for me, and I wish you good luck.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 26, 2008
Undergraduate / "Next up, from New Jersey" - do you think I've answered the question? [2]

Good evening.

Grammatically and mechanically the essay is clean. If the word count allows, I suggest adding a little bit in the last paragraph about one or two exact lessons on the golf course that you have applied to your life or how you plan to apply them to your life on the UCF campus. Right now you've got a good foundation, and a few more details will really make the essay stand out.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 26, 2008
Undergraduate / 'pelagic domain' / 'white uniform' / 'Russian math' - 3 UC Essays - Comment [2]

Good evening.

In regards to the first essay, I believe your text answers the prompt effectively. You use good descriptions and appropriate discourse for your content area.

In regards to the second essay, again an effective essay. It flows easily and has a nice conclusion.

As to the third essay, you make good use of the opportunity to discuss your academic background. You also indirectly allude to your character in tough times in this essay.

Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 26, 2008
Undergraduate / the gregarious young man to be - admission essay [3]

Nice job. A couple changes and I took the last line of the end to improve the conclusion. Good organziation, nice flow, easy transitions, and a strong voice; overall a good essay.
EF_Team5   
Sep 25, 2008
Undergraduate / FSU essay---desire to major in pre-law. suggestions for improvement? [3]

"Vires, Artes, Mores" defines the lifestyle I have lived so far and hope to continue. Even before I understood these concepts I was already living them. FSU is in my blood and there is no place I would rather be."

A very nice essay. A good strong voice, easy readability, good organization, great opening and closing. Good work.
EF_Team5   
Sep 25, 2008
Writing Feedback / Becoming whistleblowers - Honesty and what we sacrifice [2]

Good evening.

"What we sacrifice definitely reveals what we care about the most. I am living in Vietnam. There are many things, such as my country itself, that influence my stance on this statement. My experiences in life also gives me many reasons to believe in that statement. In a word, I totally agree with the notion that what we sacrifice have a crucial role in determine what we are trying to achieve.

Vietnam - a developing country - is a good model to exemplify this statement's correctness . In this developing country, the government cares most about the improvement of people's lives . There are so many people who are so poor to have an ordinary life; what those people want is not a comfortable life but just a life with enough food to survive. In this condition, the government has to sacrifice something. What is developed in advanced country such as space exploration has being dismissed in Vietnam. To the government, while the people's lives are not improved, and the nation budget will not be provided to some other less important national plans. A few of the national budget saved today will leave a more meaningful budget tomorrow to spend on a better health care system, a saner economy policy, and better people's lives.

When I was ten years old, just as many of my pioneers have their own passions, so did I love playing piano very much; the city's music school was granting a scholarship for pupils who had the tendency to play piano well. I first intended to apply for the scholarship, but the situation at that time did not allow me to do what I loved. I needed to learn some academic subjects to prepare to the elementary school graduation test. To not make my parents frustrated, I had to spend most of my time in do in academic exercises and hardly had time playing piano. Without training hard in playing piano, I failed in achieving the scholarship. Because what I valued most in that time was studying academic subjects, I had to sacrifice my chance to develop my piano skills.

Each person has different aims to pursue . What we try to achieve reveals not only a part of our characteristics but also the things that we care about the most. My personal experience and what I know about the developing progress of my country has proved this opinion, not adequately, but I think it is enough to substantiate my stance on the statement."

Nice example.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 25, 2008
Graduate / "the signs of Lepromatous Leprosy" - phd sop [3]

Good evening.

OK, let's see:

"There it was...the telltale sign on her hand. [...] The incident started me thinking about how important it is to elicit societal attention and awareness on public health issues. Nice opening.

As a volunteer at a Leprosy screening camp, I was shown a video showing horrifying pictures of disfigured people at various stages of the disease. With my almost nonexistent knowledge of microbiology at that point, I was both amazed and alarmed at the devastation that something so diminutive can cause. I could only fathom bacteria to be a minute demon with minuscule fangs and claws looking for victims, but why was it lured to only certain people and left the rest unharmed?

Health education was one of the subjects I took up in the 9th grade. The terms epidemic,pandemic, and endemic ceased being jargon to me. I was ushered in to the world of "the minuscule". I became aware of the etiologic agents of various diseases, their prevention, and the role of primary health care in communities. I learned about the efforts of the World Health Organization in the eradication of small pox and p oliomyelitis. The global nature of these projects, which encompassed every human on earth, and the quantity of research, enterprise and endeavor incorporated into the mission, had me spellbound. However, I also found out that only 14% of children between 12 and 23 months of age receive the vaccination for polio and [ox .

As depressing as that may sound, I started wondering if it would help to have a simplistic approach to any health care problem. Identifying risks and acting to control them, identifying effective and affordable prevention and treatment strategies, providing basic infrastructural amenities to everybody and developing a stronger and more responsive system seems attainable, I thought. It did not however take my sophomoric mind long to realize that my thoughts were one-dimensional, because for research to have a direct and practical impact, it should reach the grass root levels. By the end of my senior year at school, I knew I was passionate about health sciences and so enrolling in a bachelors degree in microbiology seemed the next rational step.

Medical microbiology and immunology classes fascinated me the most. I was overwhelmed at the terror the little bugs could unleash when they are at their virulent best. To me, it seemed like a plot straight out of a science fiction thriller. Just when we think we have outdone the enemy, new infectious diseases begin to appear, caused by unknown microbes or by known microbes producing novel manifestations. However, with the development of a wide variety of antibiotics and the introduction of effective vaccines against most viral diseases, the eventual elimination of all infectious diseases seemed achievable. The need for specialist knowledge of the pathogenecity, patterns, and the predilections of the disease causing entity to continuously monitor outbreaks became increasingly clear to me. My appetence for this expertise led me to enroll in amasters d egree course in m icrobiology.

The next two years helped me refine my research goals, accumulate varied experience, and meet a number of resourceful people. It also helped reaffirm my love for medical microbiology. As a part of the M.Sc. course work, I undertook an independent project entitled "c omparative studies on the characterization and typing of coagulase positive Staphylococci and coagulase negative staphylococci with special reference to Methicillin resistance." The goal of this study was to give an insight into the incidence of Staphylococci in the hospital environment and the community. A comparison of various conventional typing methods was carried out to throw some light on the epidemiology. Based on strain relatedness, I identified a common source for carriers and patients in the hospital and suggested measures for the control of Staphylococcal infection. Although the data may not have been ground breaking, I was thrilled to have an opportunity to contribute something unique.

My supervisor, Dr. Padma Krishnan, guided me not only on the technical aspects of my work but also helped me attain a more mature outlook on life. I had always been afraid of failure and on one occasion, I approached her about the difficulty I was having in preparing for a rather tough exam. She simply stated the "The Law of Feedback": there is no failure; there is only feedback. Her pep talk helped me realize that successful people look at mistakes as outcomes or results and not as failures whereas unsuccessful people tend to dwell on them. I fared much better than I thought I would in the exam. Overcoming my nemesis - the fear of failure - is probably one of the soaring points of my life.

She encouraged me to participate and present papers in numerous conferences. It helped me hone my communication and persuasive skills considerably. Working on the presentations not only kept me updated on the current developments in the field but also helped me develop radical perspectives on the subject. The rush I got from defending my work was addictive and ultimately, I managed to bid farewell to the shy, reticent, and self-effacing me.

The opportunity to interact with Dr.Vishwanathan of the cardiology department of the hospital where my study group came from was invaluable to me. He amazed me with his sincere gestures to help the needy receive adequate, cost effective treatment. Since most of his patients were from an economically weaker section of the society, he always spent a lot of time educating them on healthy living. He often stressed the importance of creating public awareness on cheaper, alternative prophylactic measures. I shared with him the belief that it was necessary to arouse health care from its state of suspended consciousness in our society. We had interesting discussions on how some pathogens, which cause havoc in developing countries, are just academic interests in developed countries. To state as a case in point, he explained how Tuberculosis is one of the fatal diseases in the south of India while its incidence has come down in affluent countries. Similarly, Typhoid and Cholera outbreaks continue to be endemic in the poor nations of the world. I found myself getting more interested in and concerned about the diseases affecting the tropical countries and their prevention.

If during my Master's degree I discovered a new personality, it was during my stint at Gangagen - a company involved in the development of bacteriophage products for therapy - that I developed individualism. As a research assistant in the protein purification and assay development unit, I started independently designing, developing and standardizing different assays for detection of phage lysozyme activity. The weekly journal clubs held there benefited me tremendously in developing analytical and critical reasoning. Once, when my repeated efforts to develop a zymogram technique for demonstration of lytic activity developed a stalemate, I was frustrated and at the verge of giving up. I deviated a little from the protocol by making a few changes in the staining process. It worked! I learned not to view failures as fences. Applying a little creativity can turn them around into accomplishments. In research, the results of our work can appear so enticingly close and sometimes unattainable. We usually begin with a goal of understanding one thing only to face other interesting questions along the way. At Ganagen, I learned to bring the constant oscillation the mind faces under such situations on which direction to heed, to rest. I learned to prioritize."

This is a good lead into the next paragraph. In the following statements, you should talk about what it is that you want to do with your PhD, exactly. What are your goals for the future? What do you want to accomplish while at the university? Where do you see your particular field in 10 years? Where are you in it?

You have a very organized and coherent essay with a clear line of consistency. It flows well and is not too difficult to follow. Keep up the good work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5   
Sep 25, 2008
Writing Feedback / Fear of Change - The Lottery Essay [3]

Good afternoon.

Without having access to the lecture and notes, I have to say I think you've fulfilled the requirements nicely. You cover (at least briefly) all of the bullets and have a good intro as well as a good conclusion. Try using passages from the text with citations to illustrate the points you bring up to illustrate your opinions. For instance, your statement "The narrator talks about the kids playing in the square, and the townspeople that have gathered and are chit-chatting and making jokes with one another" could be supported with an exact quote from the text illustrating how the townsfolk are interacting with one another. The more evidence you use to support your interpretations, the stronger your essay will be.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

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