Undergraduate / Hopsital Soap Opera - college classification essay [3]

I think this will be a better start:

When I learned that...

Here is a way to fix this run-on sentence: I have always felt that I was a people person, but what I would experience in the next two weeks was more than just patient care; it was my own starring role in a Hospital Soap Opera. ----> actually, what does your being a people person havee to do with this statement?

This is such thoughtful essay! I think you do jump from one idea to the next in a way that is abrupt, though. Can you add to that first paragraph? The first paragraph supports all the others, because it sets the direction for the essay. You can write something in that first para that tells the reader that the essay will celebrate some of the people you met.

Also, stick with the soap opera theme: There were so many characters in this soap opera that I will never...

Writing Feedback / Machine Learning versus Learning by Humans [51]

Rajiv, don't take offense to Sean; that's how he gives feedback!

I love meditation, but I find the oxygen deprivation thing hilarious. Also, please please please take another look at the "baby" idea after reading Qigong Meditation: Embryonic Breathing by Yang Jwing Ming. It's the most important book I ever read! In Daoism, the idea is to use "back to childhood breathing." Oh, it is so brilliant. When we were young, we breathed from the lower abdomen, but as we reach 30 years old, we breath while moving the mid-abdomen. Later, when we are older, it moves up to the chest. In Qigong practice, the breathing is from the low abdomen, and the MIND is indeed like a baby.

In fact, the greatest masters have always been compared with little children.

Finally, remember one of Anthony DeMello's answers to this question: Someone asked, "Can you give me one example of a practical use for spirituality?" DeMello answered, "When someone says something that offends me, I can raise my spirits to heights that offense cannot reach."

Essays / ILC Challenge & Change in Society HSB4M-A EXAM [16]

I like the other one better: Crazed wielder of pointy objects.

On that note, someone once asked me: Do you want any of a mango? It was like,

Do You Want... any-of-a-mango...

Essays / sample size and defining variables [3]

I moved your post to its own thread; please start new threads for new topics. Also, please give some feedback to other people about their essays. :)

I assume you are reading an article about a research study. Do you have a text book that explains sample, variable, etc? The sample size is the number of people/things being studied. Lots of info about defining variables is here: allpsych.com/researchmethods/definingvariables.html

Writing Feedback / The New Great Depression [4]

Great ideas from Sean; and Marcel explained a problem better than I could have: overly colloquial. What a great way to explain that! It is overly conversational, which is good for some types of essays but not others.

Really, it may be entirely appropriate to use that tone -- if it is right for the class. A few centuries ago, when essays were used in coffee houses as entertainment, etc., by the masters like Montaigne, essays served as written speeches, and some were very conversational.

You mentioned that it does not seem to flow, and that is because you unnecessarily stop yourself sometimes. Let the ideas flow forward without the stop-and-go traffic feeling:

First, let's face the fact that no longer have faith...

Instead of this, Let's move on to another issue. ... you might say: Let's move onto the issue of outsourcing labor.

Incidentally, this issue of outsourcing labor is more complicated than you might think. In some ways, it benefits American economy -- although, it certainly is a harsh practice sometimes. Then again, the skilled laborers in India, Malaysia, etc., need jobs, too! Check out this ink for good info: mckinsey.com/mgi/mginews/offshoring.asp

Undergraduate / A time-travel machine to go back in time in your own life and change something [22]

With parts like this one below, I think you can find a way to say it in half the number of words. Your content is good, but you use too many words to express your cool ideas. So, get out those superfluity clippers and clip!

Also:

...and as heart-breaking as it is, I cannot be certain about whether my life would've been as good as it has been and as it is now if I changed that decision. Also, although we do not speak at all now I still appreciate...

Dissertations / Thesis paper on translation in famous works, confused about a topic [16]

Okay... this can be any subject pertainig to translation? What are your languages of interest? My own interests would compel me to study Dr. Yang Jwing Ming's process of translating the ancient Chinese Qigong meditation documents that were just finally made available to the public in the 1980s. It turns out that even the famous Tao Te Ching may need a re-translation. Apparently, it was translated by scholars who may not have been practitioners of qigong, so they did not convey the teachings about specific meditation techniques.

So, Dr. Yang is going to re-translate the Tao Te Ching. That is cool.

Do you have an interest that parallels this?

Translation is a scholarly act of crossing a cultural-linguistic barrier... and as such it is something that, in order to research it, you need to look at things that people have done. Look at things that interest you and accept the fact that this paper might have to be, in a way, a history paper. That doesn't mean you can't cover something contemporary; what I'm saying is that you have to research what other people have done.

Another idea is to write about modern technology as it affects translation. Check out this article if you can find it:

Translation and Technology

Journal article by Pius Ten Hacken; The Modern Language Review, Vol. 102, 2007.

Essays / ILC Challenge & Change in Society HSB4M-A EXAM [16]

The way it sounded in my head was

Crazed wield * er

of

pointy ob * jects.

Only the "y" doesn't count. So it goes:
stressed, stressed, not stressed... stressed, stressed, not stressed.

That is probably not clear. Nevermind. We are nerds.

Essays / Their Eyes Were Watching God . . . Need Help Outlining an Essay [13]

Yeah, for real. When you get into college, do the honors program, etc. It is not really more work, just sold as such. Okay, maybe it is a little more work. But your mind shifts into a higher gear when necessary, rises to the occasion.

Writing Feedback / My paper, for Newt Gingrich... [19]

Yes, for sure, if you are seeking help from everyone possible, and if you show them that you really care and have good intentions, it will probably become clear that the prof was unfair -- especially if you are willing to do a good, original paper to show your seriousness. I recommend getting a questia membership and writing a brilliant paper. Pass it around to the people involved, and I'm sure they'll see that you are not dishonest. Do twice the amount of work that was required; that will show that the proff had judged you wrong.

Research Papers / what's a good and easy research topic for and economics that's 5-7 pages [6]

I don't know if you would want to aim your research at assessing whether the bailout has been a robbery, because its success or failure is still pending.

You could, however, do a case study of the process the economy underwent during a particular presidential administration, such as the Bush Administration, or you could research the economic effects of a particular process, such as the war in Iraq.

Undergraduate / "Untitled" General Personal Statement [4]

How about this way:

Carrie Bradshaw idolizes them. Michael Jordan markets them. The Wizard of Oz told Dorothy to click them. Shoes! A particular pair...

Ah! This is great!!! Ha ha, you get the award for Personal Statement with the Most Personality.

Make sure you find a way to add a sentence to that first paragraph that will mention a very specific course of study you are going to pursue. Don't ruin the cool effect you have achieved, though, by turning it into a normal essay - just give the slightest mention to the name of the degree program you choose in that first paragraph. That will make it perfect, I think!

That, and a bit more mention of the same envisioned course of academic action: once in the body, and once more in the conclusion. That is just my advice, not necessarily the only good way to do it...

Undergraduate / A time-travel machine to go back in time in your own life and change something [22]

Nice! Good wisdom there...

I read a book about "proprioceptive writing" which deals with that notion. Also, Julia Cameron writes about "Morning Pages" similarly.

Research Papers / Thesis statement: "Why Are Company CEOs getting Higher Bonuses?" [13]

...is often (but not always) also the president of a company, reporting to...

...become conscious that whatever they...

Wow, you have a LOT of explanation in that first paragraph. Why not do a paragraph break in the middle and leave some of that explanation for paragraph two? Use the first paragraph to SUCCINCTLY assert your argument.

you used cool rhetorical questions as "attention-grabbers" at the start. Follow that by giving only 1 or 2 sentences of explanation and then assert your thesis as the last sentence of the intro paragraph.

A lot of the explanation in this essay should be chopped. This is not an expository essay. Use it as an argument.

Here's what people recommend that CEOs do in this ---- Here is what who recommends?

Okay, you are off to a good start, but now you need to revise to make it so that your argument is CLEAR by the end of the first para, and so that each para is persuasive. good luck!!!!

Essays / Their Eyes Were Watching God . . . Need Help Outlining an Essay [13]

Cool, good luck with it! And about the paint splotch approach... just think about it:

If you write a blurb about each article you read, and then you tie it all together and draw conclusions, etc.. that is a powerful, intellectual exercise! So, splotch them into a word document and connect the dots later. Write the intro last.

Well, in your case it would not be splotches from various articles, but instead splotches from the book. Splotches of citation.

Research Papers / Biology Reseach paper topic - Come up with a hypothesis [4]

This is a tough assignment! I hope the prof gave plenty of guidance to help you understand experimental research.

How about if I wanted to test the question of whether my sunflowers will grow better if I talk to them every day. Have you ever heard of that idea? Many people swear that giving their plants attention makes them grow better.

In that example, the control group is the group of plants that you do not talk to.

That might not be the best example, because it has been done before. However, if you are in high school it is probably okay.

What about a variation of it? What about if you bought some mice from a pet store? The kind often used for snake food is very inexpensive, I assume. Buy 12 of them and divide them into an experimental group and a control group. Then, make a hypothesis like... it could be anything... it could be that you hypothesize that the group you cuddle with and talk to every day will eat more food than the group you ignore.

So, you can have 6 mice in individual containers, and 6 mice altogether in a container that you often take into another room -- so you can play with them.

you should have NO problem filling 10 pages, because you are supposed to record every detail of your idea, the process, and the results.

Essays / SOP- for MBA in Finance - how to write? [6]

Kasi, when you post a draft for us to look at, please start a new thread. That way, we can keep the forum organized.

Book Reports / "There is no doubt in mind that Macbeth was a villain"; How Macbeth became a villain. [3]

Yeah, I think Macbeth deserves more credit, but don't be discouraged! You can make little adjustments at key spots in the essay, like here:

In him there was once much to admire, but he succumbed to...

So, you can focus not just on the bad direction his life took, but on the contrast between that downward spiral and his original virtue. If you ignore his virtue, you seem to miss Shakespeare's point, and that is not good for your essay.

Ahh, I see that as the essay goes on you do give him some credit. Here is a little correction:

Yet he was cold-hearted and... (words like that ned a hyphen).

:)

Essays / Their Eyes Were Watching God . . . Need Help Outlining an Essay [13]


Ha hahahah, no! That is MY strategy for research writing. You have a great way with words.

Writing Feedback / My paper, for Newt Gingrich... [19]

Hey, this is one of those situations where you have to correct the professor. If he has made the mistake of discouraging your proactive effort to improve your writing by participating here, it is his mistake. Tell him I would like him to take a minute to get a membership and post his explanation for what he has done. This is the first time I have ever heard of a professor or teacher doing such a thing, and, in fact, we have had many members who are teachers!

When I was in school, my professors were not immune to error. This may be one of those situations in which the prof ends up learning from the student. Unless you copied someone else's essay or did something else that was underhanded, I think the prof owes you a grade adjustment and an apology. At this site, we make it very clear that we do not do people's work for them! I'm a little angry to hear that he would do something so harsh and discouraging as to fail you for collaborating in a scholarly forum. By punishing you inappropriately, he is working against our effort to improve education.

Essays / exemplification essay for my English class/ global pollution/waste management [5]

Hey, where did you learn about the waste management concepts you described. If you read an article about your topic, you can look closely for examples. Cite the article in your essay, and use its examples.

Also, you might want to read 3 articles about issues that would work for this assignment, and choose the article that you are most inspired by. Write about the same stuff written about in the article, and then find another article about the same concept. It should be easy, because you are just telling about what other people have already expounded.

Good luck!!!!!!!! :)

Book Reports / Jem's Maturity; To Kill a Mockingbird [7]

I don't know if "maturity" is being used right here. It seems that you should be using "maturation." Maturity is a uality of being mature, I think, whereas your use of it would be better this way:

However, upon maturation, Jem...

That is nit-picking, though, on my part! Ha ha, I have to nit-pick, because your writing is great!! I can't find much room for improvement.

Hey, when you put quotes in the paper, you are supposed to use parenthetical citations with the page numbers. Does your teacher require MLA?

Also: He also found Atticus to be boring as a father, since he, "did not do the things out schoolmate's fathers did" and when... ----> is that a mistake? Does it say things out schoolmates...?

Good luck with this, you are great!!

Undergraduate / A time-travel machine to go back in time in your own life and change something [22]

I always recommend using a title. I think a decision not to use a title is a decision not to use one of the most powerful parts of the essay. Every important document has a title, and your essay is important.

This long, difficult sentence needs some commas and... actually, this is a run-on sentence:

Sometimes these decisions ameliorate our lives, and sometimes they don't, but we know that nobody's life is perfect, and we have all committed mistakes. we are not proud of Hopefully, we have learned from them.

And this one needs some adjustment: About a couple of years ago, I made a decision in 2007 that cost me the lost of a cherished friend...

Ahh... I see what Sean means about the vagueness.

So I guess that If I had the option to go back in time and change the moment I asked my parents to change me of school, I wouldn't take it, because...

Yes, above, maybe you should change that to say something you WOULD change, so you'll be in compliance with the prompt for the essay.

I like your writing style, even though it is watered down. I like the reflective style you use. Still, eliminate some of these superfluous sentences. :-)

Undergraduate / Intermediate Level in science stream [4]

What is "Intermediate Level in science stream"? I'm curious! :) Will the reader of this essay know what it is?

...from (name of institution), which is one of the reputed institution of (name of country).

I think it will be better to inform you about my previous academic background, which will be helpful to you during the selection procedure. This whole sentence is... not useful. It is stating the obvious and wasting space. Can you replace it with a sentence that tells something about the interests you have developed and the specific direction of study you would like to pursue? What makes your interests and aspirations unique?

After getting information about your institution from my teacher, I had visited your institution's web page and read all about the Undergraduate Program. I have found [name of institution] to be one of the best in the field of pure sciences. Finally I came to conclusion that to join your program.

Ahh, in the last paragraph you seem very sincere and deserving of acceptance. I like that last paragraph a lot!

...perform fulfill my responsibilities without any hesitation or hurdle .

Essays / Their Eyes Were Watching God . . . Need Help Outlining an Essay [13]

Have you ever seen that comedian, Gallager, painting with fruit and a sledge hammer? He uses smashed fruit like the splotches of paint some painters toss onto the canvas.

You can skim through the book and pull out splotches of relevant content. Describe 5 key sections -- parts of dialogue, thematically significant events, etc... stuff related to this topic of how women were treated.

You can talk about how they were treated by other characters, or by the author as he wrote what they did and said. You can speculate about the author's intended meaning.

The key is that the sections you pull out are like splotches of paint, and the structure of the essay takes care of itself.

Start each splotch with a quote, citation, or your own description of what happened on page 53. Then, elaborate on one of the splotches. Then, give it a reflective conclusion sentence for the paragraph it is to become. Then, see what the general topic of that para was and express it in the topic sentence. It's like coloring in a picture of a paragraph, you visual learner, you!

Good luck with it!!

Writing Feedback / "Our desire to conform is greater than our respect for objective facts." - Essay [15]

Yeah, I know what you mean. They have their purpose. Still, I am often surprised at how much better a sentence seems after chopping an adverb -- even if it is less specific. Adverbs often are unable to justify the space they take up! :)

Writing Feedback / Machine Learning versus Learning by Humans [51]

Ahh, this is very relevant to an ongoing discussion in another thread: "secular America by Controlling fertility rates"... it's a very weird conversation over there, check it out! :)

I like the word unraveling the way you used it here. I saw a definition of Zen as : forgetting the self in the act of uniting with something.

Undergraduate / work hard, find the best in each other, and live with confidence. [6]

This is a very nice essay. I think you can improve it by taking out unnecessary words and phrases, like this:

His name is Coach Pasek. as a coach He inspired my team to work...

Whenever you see that you have included words that state the obvious, or state something that has already been stated, chop them! Then, you'll see how much more powerful the writing becomes when it is all said in fewer words.

I see that Eric and Marcel corrected some of your run-on sentences; I hope you can see how to avoid them, now, by dividing them up into two sentences... like this:

"Hard work pays off" is not just a saying. I t's the truth.

Undergraduate / 'It is something extra' - Personal Statement (the European Business School London) [9]

Stephen King says that the second draft should = the first draft minus 10%.

So...I thought you could stand to cut some from the 3rd paragraph, but you have to decide what feels like the right part to cut. You can also reread it and see if you find any ways to make sentences shorter. It's not just to get within the wordcount; saying more with fewer words is more powerful!

:)

Writing Feedback / Reflective Essay On This School Year: "Closed Doors Are Not The End" [6]

Great! And if we strengthen your opening paragraph, the whole essay will be better received. I had an idea for this opening line:

In their life, e Everyone has, at one time or another, experienced misfortune or missed opportunity.

After that first sentence, and before the quote by Alexander Graham Bell, write a sentence that asserts that events that seem unfortunate can often turn out to be for the best.

Use commas when you quote people:
open for us, " said Alexander...

Add one more sentence to the end of the first para, and make it the thesis statement. Make it a sentence that tells the main theme of the essay -- captured in a single sentence.

Essays / SOP- for MBA in Finance - how to write? [6]

Yes, or Google this: statement of purpose sample

Writing Feedback / "The Contested Terrain of Media Text and its Effects on Contemporary Culture" [3]

Your opening paragraph is very eloquent!

In order to understand what Kellner means to say about this struggle between ideologies, one must ...

what the role of ideologies play within it.

The characters and settings are so vivid and ultimately "cool" (no comma necessary here) that the viewer is...

Wow, I never even made the connection between the theme of 24 and the conservatism of Fox! Well, then again, Fox also allows its programs to make fun of it -- like the Simpsons.

This is just a suggestion:
...certain conservative ideals -- namely, its ...

This really is a great essay; congratulations for being so good at writing!

Writing Feedback / Essay on advantages of computer games [16]

Many great inventions have been born and one of the greatest advances in modern technology has been the invention of computers and computer games.

The most important aspect of playing computer games is in treating some diseases.

Researchers are finding that computer games can actually be tweaked to treat people with phobias.
The belief behind this treatment method is that exposing people to the source of their fear within a controlled environment may actually lead to a cure.

Two of the most common phobias that have been treated with computer games are a fear of confined spaces and fear of heights.

Another important aspect is that computer games provide us with fun.

When we are very bored, tired or stressed, computer games are a good source of enjoyment.

Last but not least, computer games serve a range of educational functions.
For example, simulation games could be used as a means of preparing learners for the world of work.

To sum up, computer games have a main role in our lives. We can make use of them for therapy, disease, having fun and better education .

You certainly made some good points! I never realized that part about helping people deal with phobias.
Watch out for how you use capital letters, as you sometimes use them where they are not needed.

:)

Book Reports / The Crashing Symbols of The Glass Menagerie and My Little Town [27]

The worst part is that sometimes teachers have misconceptions about formatting, as we all do, because it involves so many details. Also, when you get into the nitty gritty things, it really becomes a matter of opinion. Sticklers for the rules should keep in mind that language, itself, is something we make up as we go along.

Writing Feedback / What essential skills young people should have in our complex society? [14]

These days, I am busy preparing...

Awesome, see you when you get here! :)

Essays / ILC Challenge & Change in Society HSB4M-A EXAM [16]

Right on, hahahah... everything seems extra funny today.

Also, "a crazed wielder of pointy objects" has better rhythm, because if you pay no attention to the "y" at the end of "pointy" the meter matches up.

Writing Feedback / "Our desire to conform is greater than our respect for objective facts." - Essay [15]

how everyone plays so nicely together. Ummmm . . . did I say that right? Is it "nice" or "nicely?" You are probably joking, but in case you're not, it's so simple: the adverb form modifies verbs, adjectives, or other adverbs. "Nice" has to modify a noun.

Here is a little preview of the Stephen King book On Writing. He says to kill your adverbs. They are little parasites that suck the life out of writing. Every sentence seems to be punchy and powerful after you take out the adverbs (and adjectives, too, to some extent.) I assert that tentatively, because sometimes the adverb is important for the sentence's meaning, like in this one.

Writing Feedback / Machine Learning versus Learning by Humans [51]

Awesome, thanks for sharing this!


For this part, you have a verb tense problem. You can fix it by using a colon, like this:

If this was a visit to someone's home for the first time, my holistic social experience would comprise more than just my impression of him: As this person spots...

The colon is only one of may ways to fix it.

Here, you switch from "me" to "you"; that is, after writing from the 1st person perspective, you switch to the 2nd person: The others in that group are taking you in, more so those who...

Writing Feedback / Will You Buy a House or Start a Business? [9]


Yes, I just mentioned it because it came to my mind! Pay no attention to me! :)

Essays / ILC Challenge & Change in Society HSB4M-A EXAM [16]

Ha ha, that is great! Cool example. When you enjoy reading, it's like a card up your sleeve. In real life I often have a book and a pen with me. I carry the pen because I am opinionated and it helps me to make points in argument and conversation (like a conductor of an orchestra, or maybe a crazed wielder of a pointy object), and the book is where I go when I want to escape from life. So, the pen is my sword and the book is my shield. Ha ha, that is corny. You reminded me of the book as shield thing...