Undergraduate / "Significant Experience" essay - need advice on the content of this essay [22]

Well, any essay you write should have a theme. Usually for application essays, each essay conveys one or more positive attributes about yourself. So, make sure that you talk about your community service in an essay that deals with personal attributes shown by your community service. Don't just throw in a line or two about your community service in an essay that is essentially about something else.

Speeches / Introductory speech about myself, my family, my job [16]

It all makes sense. If you came from a family of acrobats, you and your family must have worked with a circus. When a rival circus family of jealous juggling clowns tried to get rid of your family's more popular act by directing rampaging elephants at your parents, you were forced to watch as they met an untimely, squishy fate. That night, once you had finished scraping your mother out from between "Big Betsy's" toenails so she could be buried, you slipped in the clowns' tents and set them ablaze by using the local fire-eater as an human flame-thrower. After being arrested by the police, you were recruited by a secret government agent, and became a professional assassin . . .

Essays / Basic advises...for Clep Essay [7]

Whenever you get an agree/disagree essay, you must call to mind the words of wisdom once uttered by the 79th attorney general of the United States:

"There are two things you find in the middle of the road: a moderate and a dead skunk, and I don't want to be either."--John Ashcroft

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Being creative rather than planning. [16]

This is another one of those topics that cries out for a thesis, antithesis, synthesis structure. It is possible to be both creative and to plan carefully. That is, one can come up with a creative plan.

Writing Feedback / Reasons why people listen to music [7]

Ground the general in the specific. Always. Always. Always. I can't repeat this enough (literally, I keep having to write this in so many threads). You have written an entire essay on the importance of music without mentioning a single specific song. In fact, except for a single sentence in which you mention rock and ballads, you don't really even touch on specific genres.

Undergraduate / "Significant Experience" essay - need advice on the content of this essay [22]

Certainly if you have done community service, you should mention it somewhere in your application. As for putting it in your main essay, well, that depends on whether or not it fits in with whatever else you plan to talk about in that essay. If you just plan on throwing it in there without connecting it smoothly to everything else you mention, then no, you shouldn't include it in that particular essay.

Undergraduate / "my peers' views" - admission essay-common app [5]

Write on a different topic. Even if you revise it, stating that you avoid participating in extra-curricular activities on principle will not endear you to application officers.

Undergraduate / 'Student-run clubs' - Johns Hopkins Short Answer [16]

Okay, then yes, your essay is fine. I just wanted to see the exact prompt, because you could have been asked to talk about your extracurriculars in a way that would have made your essay off topic.

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]

I actually liked this essay. It was nice and touching in its own sort of way. However, given that this is an application essay, rather than a school assignment, I am reluctantly forced to agree with the others:


Any one of these would be a much better topic to pick. You are lucky to have so many good topics come so readily to mind.

Undergraduate / "To persue studies on a dedicated level" - Common App. Transfer Essay [4]


That about covers it. Provide us with the exact question you are supposed to be answering, and a draft that actually answers it, and that discusses nothing irrelevant to that answer.

Essays / Develop a thesis statement for KING LEAR: hidden loyalty/ blindness and sight / argument [9]

And if you go with 2, don't forget to focus heavily on Gloucester, whose sees most clearly when he has been blinded by Cornwall.

Undergraduate / UCF Admissions essay - family history environment / culture - suggestions / proofread? [21]

"Living in a different country for most of my life forced me to become absorbed into its culture." You were forced to have something happen to you? That sounds odd. You should be forced to do something. So, "Living in a different country for most of my life forced me to absorb its culture."

Writing Feedback / Work alone or in groups [10]

You have managed to incorporate arguments for both sides while still clearly taking a stance in favor of working individually, which is good. Your grammar could use some polishing. For instance:

"Initially, members of the group have different thoughts, so they make a variety of good ideas to be done." You don't really "make" or "do" ideas, so the phrasing is difficult to follow. You might have tried "Working in a group exposes you to a wide variety of ideas, some of which you might never have thought of on your own." I don't know if there is an easy way to avoid these sorts of problems, I'm afraid. I suspect that you will simply have to keep reading and writing until time and effort bring you to the point where you can do this for yourself.

Research Papers / Comparing pre and post Gold Rushes of the 1850s in Australia. [14]

Did these mostly balance out overall? If so, the effects on the Aboriginals may not really qualify as a turning point. Or were there substantial changes in the way the Australian government dealt with the aboriginal community overall? If so, then you should probably discuss this in your essay.

Undergraduate / 'Student-run clubs' - Johns Hopkins Short Answer [16]

Yes. Your essay is very good, given how little room you have to work with. You show how much debate matters to you, which is about the best you can hope for in under 150 words. Just to be sure, though, what was the exact prompt, again? Was it to describe how much an activity meant to you, or to explain what you learned from doing an event?

Grammar, Usage / My teacher claims my essay was too ambiguous and general.. [7]

As you write your argumentative piece, try to make sure that your logic is as clear as possible. Identify any and all premises you might be working from, and be sure to address any objections to them. Make certain too that you have identified your key terms well enough to avoid any disagreements over word use with your readers.

Writing Feedback / A concise narrative about an important event - UF Architecture college essay! [17]

Your essay makes it sound as if you are settling for a career in architecture because an injury has prevented you from doing what you really want to do, which is gymnastics. I think this is mainly because you spend so much of the essay talking about gymnastics, and because you describe gymnastics as something "that was your world," "since age 8," whereas you sort of make architecture sound like something you have picked because its sort of interesting to you and you think you can make a decent living off of it. These are excellent reasons to go into architecture, of course, but the contrast in tone is a bit jarring. It's fine to say you changed plans after your injury, but I'd condense the description of the negative effects of the injury to make more room to talk about your discovery of your love of architecture.

Essays / Pro Con Analysis (Immigrants to Learn English) [19]


Yes, Simone's suggestion is in fact one that comes down squarely on the con side.


It would be unreasonable to avoid ever punishing anybody in the criminal justice system unless it had a 100% accuracy rate in determining guilt or innocence. Simone is quite right in saying that no one is calling for innocent people to be sentenced to death. However, she then substitutes that for the thing being argued against, i.e. the putting to death of people who are guilty of horrible crimes. I guess this makes it a form of straw man argument? The correct response here is that we don't want innocent people to ever be punished for crimes they did not commit. However, this has no effect whatsoever on how we believe we should punish those who have been found guilty of a crime, and who are therefore presumed guilty (the presumption of innocence only lasts until a guilty verdict has been rendered. Thereafter, the person is, legally speaking, guilty). One could argue that the fact that no justice system can ever guarantee that everyone convicted is truly guilty is a good reason for avoiding the death penalty, as it is irreversible, but that would be a moral argument, not a factual one, and so this isn't a compromise position that circumnavigates the moral debate. It is in fact a capitulation to the anti-death penalty side, and as such would violate the "not taking a side" rule you are supposed to abide by.

Book Reports / Hamlet and the Theme of Death! [7]

Ask yourself "what is Shakespeare trying to say about death in Hamlet?" The answer you come up with will be your thesis. What you have at the moment does not answer this question, and so is unsuitable as a thesis.

Undergraduate / "Living in America converted me into new person" - essay for common app :) [20]

Hmmmm . . . you need to edit this a bit. Learning English does not have to involve starvation or a life of filthiness. The particular way you decided to go about it clearly didn't work out the way you had planned. If you really took all of the setbacks in stride, without ever thinking that maybe you should have chosen to go about accomplishing your goal in a better way, well, that doesn't really paint you a very positive light. Maybe you could lose the English thing altogether, and just focus on how you overcame a significant culture shock when you first arrived in Seattle.

Undergraduate / "My older brother David" - Help with UCF entrance essay [11]

Or you could talk about how you at first saw David himself as a bump, always requiring extra care, and then move to a discussion of how you came to see him as a wonderful addition to your life. To answer the prompt, though, you do need to add some sort of conflict to the narrative.

Writing Feedback / First Essay: How to Pick the Right Fights [4]

Your essay suffers from some ambiguity about what you mean by "fights." The title suggests that are you are using the term metaphorically, to discuss the question "when should you stand up for what you believe in?" Many of your examples, though, seem to indicate that you are using the term literally, to mean "physical conflicts."

You essay further suffers from a lack of logical coherence, because you haven't identified the key principles involved in answering your question. Whether you should step in to a physical fight, morally speaking, does not necessarily have anything to do with where it takes place, what the people are wearing, or even if the people involved have weapons. Practically, as you point out, the safest course of action is always to walk away and not get involved. You never really explain why someone should risk their own personal safety for strangers, especially those who seem to be, from the examples you use, criminal scum on both sides.

So, to improve your essay, start by defining what sort of fights you mean, and identifying the moral principles you believe should guide people when they are choosing whether or not to enter into one. Then, and only, then, should you start giving specific examples that demonstrate your points.

Undergraduate / 'Most people love Christmas' - University of Florida essay ("my life change"), suggestions? [21]

"I tore through all the presents like Godzilla would have through a helpless city."

"My dad was happy because that is where he was originally from, my mom on the other hand, loved our life in Miami and did not want to leave." This is a run-on sentence. Revise.

"At UF, I will be able to deal with the tough classes, being away from home for the first time, adapting to a new environment and learning how to be fully independent because I have learned how to face the challenges that have come my way." Revise for parallel structure.

Essays / If you could invent something new, what would you invent ? [7]

If its a TOEFL essay, you can just focus on the benefits of inventing a time machine. In fact, you probably should do that.

Essays / "The Curious incident of the dog......."-Christopher's change & lessons learned [26]

"In the curious case of the dog in the night-time, Mark Haddon illustrates the how the protagonist Chris Boone lives with this type of autism and how it affected his communication as well and how he understands emotions in addition to providing him with an excellent memory and his interests drive him face his fears and figure out the mystery."

A thesis statement should be debatable. This isn't, really. You might be able to turn this into a thesis statement, though, by answering one or more of the "how" questions you pose here, and tying them into Chris's actions. Possibly you could say how Chris's way of dealing with the world generates one or more themes in the novel.

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]


Um. Why couldn't you trust only those who seemed trustworthy? Wouldn't that be more sensible that cutting yourself off from everyone else or leaving yourself open to any fraud or crook you came across?


Could you replace some of your general description of your experiences with specific anecdotes? A lot of this is difficult to credit. Did you really trust them unquestioningly, or did you merely assume goodwill until or unless someone gave you reason to believe otherwise? In any event, the specific is always to be preferred to the general in this sort of essay.

Speeches / Introductory speech about myself, my family, my job [16]

Ooooh. Can I make up things about you in order to come up with attention getting statements for your speech? Let's see . . . how about "I'd like to tell you about the time I killed my parents." Or how about "I actually find necrophilia quite enjoyable." I guarantee either of those will have your audience staring at you in stunned silence.

Do you see the problem with your question as it stands?

Undergraduate / "valuable traits", "photographer" - Need help on revising two application essays [19]

Indeed, this seems like an important discussion for people planning to apply to universities to be having, and so you should be glad to have raised the issue.

Undergraduate / Tiny Amherst Essay: Anything to Tweak? [4]

Your essay is perfectly okay. It's not great, excellent, or outstanding in any way. It is just perfectly, ideally, an okay essay. You state your reasons for wanting to visit Amherst using a decent style and proper grammar. However, you need an extremely strong essay that stands out from the crowd, and this isn't it.

Here are your verbs:

pore
explore
provide
capture
see
is
like
do
want
meet
experience
see
are
want
learn
being
talk
have
is
is
want
do
do
is

The ones in red are the ones that are very weak. Most of the ones that remain aren't that strong. So, you might start by strengthening your verbs. Pick ones that summon up vivid mental images. While you're at it, replace your general statements with specific ones. So, for instance, instead of


explain which parts, specifically, interest you.

Good luck with your revisions. I look forward to reading your second draft.

Essays / Teaching public speaking to children - essay writing ideas? [3]

Well, do you need to discuss the disadvantages? If you are writing this for a standardized test, you can be extremely one-sided in your approach (in fact, that would be better). If, for whatever reason, you really want to discuss the disadvantages, then why not look at the psychological effects of forcing children to do something that they may experience as trauma? Or the dangers of adding still more to the curriculum when most schools can't even teach the stuff that's already on there effectively?

Essays / If you could invent something new, what would you invent ? [7]

A time machine seems like a good choice. You need to tell us what the purpose of the essay is, though. Is it a TOEFL essay (or similar thing?) Or is it meant to be something a bit more thoughtful? If the latter, you might want to think about some of the potential drawbacks of a time machine, especially if everyone had access to one. The potential for unintended consequences, paradoxes, and temporal wars, etc.

Writing Feedback / The New Bus Driver [7]

You can find a fairly comprehensive list of racial epithets here: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_ethnic_slurs

Several of the terms listed are meant to be aimed specifically at black people, and most are old enough that you could work them into your story quite easily.

Essays / From Kyrgyzstan to Oxford [23]

I agree that the i.e. is awkward here, and should be removed. However, I'm not sure why you think that e.g. would be preferable, if the author insists on keeping the existing structure. I have always thought that i.e. = "that is", and e.g = "for example." In this case, he is not giving one example out of a range of possibilities, so much as saying specifically what he means by his previous statement. Wouldn't that make i.e. the better choice?

In any event, the construction, we agree, should be replaced with something that flows better.

Grammar, Usage / My teacher claims my essay was too ambiguous and general.. [7]

Essentially you need to ground every statement about an abstract concept in your writing with one or more concrete examples. Most essays are about some sort of abstract concept, but abstract concepts don't conjure up mental images that hold the reader's interest. So, you need to demonstrate your points with details that do call up vivid images that the reader can easily picture and understand.

Why don't you post one of your essays here for more feedback?

Undergraduate / "valuable traits", "photographer" - Need help on revising two application essays [19]


First, I wasn't talking about the U.S. in general, but about secular university campuses. Second, I would say there is discrimination against minorities everywhere, and that in secular universities, evangelical Christians are definitely in a minority. For that matter, conservatives generally are in a minority there. I think 90% or so of professors self-identify as Democrats. You can't seriously think that that sort of imbalance, in a country where over 60% of the population identifies as either Republican or independent, isn't a result of systemic bias within the academic system, surely? Or if you do, any arguments you make about systemic bias against other groups in the wider U.S. system are going to begin to seem to involve a bit of a double standard.

In any event, I don't see why my comment should have provoked such a strong response. All three of us on this who have been commenting on this thread believe that the author should tone down references to his/her religious beliefs, and are therefore in agreement on the main point.

Essays / Similarities between myself and any vegetable [17]

Hey! Under many my layers of jaded cynicism lies the heart of jaded cynic. I figured the prickly exterior was in there somewhere, though. :-)

Book Reports / Argumentative essay on 1984 - Outline [40]


If that were the whole story, there would be no war, no violence, etc. However, watching people fight to the death, for instance, also lights up pleasure centers somewhere in our brains, or the coliseum would never have caught on. So clearly, the statement, stated in the context of this particular conversation, is misleading. In fact, I would say that our behavior shows that altruism clearly isn't as important to us as food or sex. If a neurological study purports to show otherwise, then it is wrong, the same way the mathematical proof that bumblebees couldn't fly had to be wrong.

Besides, these sorts of studies are always sort of suspect. All the study may have proved is that the sort of people who volunteer to take part in scientific studies enjoy being altruistic, which would hardly be unexpected. Or that people get pleasure from doing what they believe they are supposed to be doing, which, from socializing forces, or merely from being in a study that tests for altruism, is being altruistic. For that matter, as the study in question involved asking people to imagine giving away large sums of money rather than keeping it for themselves, it may be that the brain recognized largess as a good way to win either food or sex. In other words, the people may have recognized on an intuitive level that giving the money away was more likely to impress members of the opposite sex than hoarding it. Really, there are dozens of possible interpretations of the data, and nothing in the study to support the conclusion the scientists draw from it, which seem to be little more than wishful thinking on the part of the scientists.

Finally, as I pointed out, just because something feels good doesn't mean we should do it.

So, you have a highly suspect statement, that clearly doesn't support all the implications you would like it to even if it were true, and whose truth has no real impact on the discussion at hand.

Essays / Similarities between myself and any vegetable [17]


Lol! I'm going to assume you mean that I would make an attractive addition to any social gathering, much as the artichoke is added to many different types of gardens to capitalize on its bright foliage.



I don't think you really thought that one all the way through before posting . . .

Writing Feedback / "A government's role" - academic writing test IELTS to be correct [8]

I imagine the test readers have a lot of material to cover, and will be grateful to read any essay that doesn't contain a bunch of unnecessary phrases. If one is writing for a teacher who has specifically requested a thesis of that sort, then naturally one must follow instructions.

Undergraduate / "valuable traits", "photographer" - Need help on revising two application essays [19]


Yeah. This is unfortunate, but true. Ideally one would be able to treat one's faith as just another virtue or background characteristic that is important to one's being, but this isn't really the case at most secular universities in America today. Christian references are especially likely to harm rather than help your chances. It's not fair, but then no one ever said life would be.