Book Reports / Grapes of Wrath essay correction [7]

Greetings!

I'd be glad to!

In a family, there is [omit "a"] one household.

He kind of becomes "adopted" - In formal essay writing, it's better not to say "kind of"; he either did or did not become adopted. And actually, it would be better to say "he was 'adopted'..."

Casey thinks much in regard of the Joad family. - This isn't expressed quite right. How about "Casey has a great deal of regard for the Joad family."

Casey's daring action to take the blame and go to jail displays his selflessness [omit
"deed"] to others.

The girls and [instead of "or"] women cook and serve food.

The camp's accumulated twenty dollars' credit reveals that the camp works as a group or family, because they save up the money together

He blames the farmers for the cause of the children being thin and lacking in nutrition.

Nothing will be accomplished towards humanity with one's mind set the individual. - This doesn't quite make sense, grammatically. Try re-writing it.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Turning Dreams into Realities essay - Computer future and exciting new world [4]

Fantastic! I'm glad I could help!

Sarah

Writing Feedback / an altogether different way of understanding how we make observations. [40]

Greetings!

Yes! Putting things in terms of an image which can be visualized is always helpful. That is why simile and metaphor add so much to writing, I think. So, tell me more about the layers. What are the other two? And where did this concept of layers come from? Is this your own concept, or one which comes from a religious philosophy, or somewhere else?

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / an altogether different way of understanding how we make observations. [40]

Greetings!

I'm going to be really honest here and say...I'm not sure what you're getting at here. I feel as if I have lost the thread of what you were talking about in the first place that you keep referring back to. Your last paragraph is particularly puzzling to me.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Turning Dreams into Realities essay - Computer future and exciting new world [4]

Greetings!

You've written a very fine essay! I have just a few editing suggestions:

Growing up in a small, quiet and close-knit village in

offering a friendly greeting; [use semicolon] it was just a common courtesy.

But on April 18, 2000, [add comma] my life drastically transformed and my perspective about the world changed forever.

I began my quest to turn dreams into realities.

Hence, [add comma] I started attending seminars and

I became even more interested and I immediately knew this was what I wanted to study.

I achieved a G.P.A. of 3.3 during the first semester. [period] I strove to improve

drive to improve myself, [add comma] prompting me

This past winter, my brother insisted that I go on a campus visit at [name of college I'm applying to],[add comma] along with his class, [add comma] and so I agreed.

The alumi to whom I spoke - It's "alumni" but I don't think that's the word you want; it refers to students who have already graduated. If you mean people who are currently attending, just say "students with whom I spoke"

Good work! Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / an altogether different way of understanding how we make observations. [40]

Greetings!

It is an interesting phenomenon, this human need to explain why something terrible happened. It may be that Freud's comment that "there are no accidents" was taken out of context...but it is now flung about as if it were a truism. Anyone who has ever been a passenger in a car that crashed, and been seriously injured, knows how untrue it is, though. At least, from the passenger's perspective it most certainly was an accident.

I find it much easier to explain these things in terms of randomness...and am continually surprised how few people share this view. I wonder why the thought that things happen for no particular reason should be so frightening to most people?

Any thoughts on that?

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / hiv disease its causes effects and way forward [4]

Greetings!

Fortunately, there is a wealth of information available online about this topic. I'm not sure what class this is for, so I don't know how technical you are supposed to get, as far as the bioliogy of the disease. If by "causes" you mean, scientifically speaking, you'll want to talk about how the disease acts in the bloodstream and how it manages to defeat the body's immune system. If by "causes" you mean, how is the disease transmitted, you may want to approach it from a more sociological perspective.

Try doing internet searches using such search terms as "HIV transmission," "HIV causes," "HIV treatment," and see if you can narrow down the information to your specific questions.

Once you have enough information for a rough draft, I'd be happy to help you with editing! If you need more assistance before then, please let me know what type of help you need, a bit more specifically.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Capote's view of Holcomb, Kansas [2]

Greetings!

You would be able to discuss more characterizations if you eliminated some of the repetition. You go on at rather great length about the town description and could probably say what you need to say in a couple of sentences, rather than a whole paragraph. You could also probably eliminate explanatory phrases such as "it is word usage like this that makes the passage so effective in conveying the Capote's patronizing descriptions" or at least cut them down a bit. Try to tighten up your writing so that you can include more examples.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Research Paper on Amy Tan's "The Hundred Secret Senses" [10]

Greetings!

Sorry, I did not make it in time for your class. Just for future reference, "validate," "approve," "substantiate," are all good words. There are some good online thesauruses!

Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / an altogether different way of understanding how we make observations. [40]

Greetings!

No need to apologize! I think we all grapple with these ideas and must find our way through the sometimes clouded haze of understanding to reach a clear expression of thought.

To me, it is a contradiction to say that the event does not happen without the person who experiences it, and yet the tree does make a sound falling in the forest even with no one there to hear it. How did the tree make a sound, then, or even fall, for that matter, if there was no one there to experience it? Is it that the tree experiences it? I am confused. :-))

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Poetry / Dry Loaf poem; Essay topic (deciphering poetry)..Too confusing [2]

Greetings!

Deciphering poetry can be difficult! There are some clues, though, in the word choices the author made, that speak to the idea of self-respect (or lack of it) and injustice:

a tragic land - this says a lot about how the poem's narrator sees the country

regard the hovels of those that live in this land - notice they are "hovels" and not "homes"

Flying from burning countries - a suggestion here that the country has been savaged

It was hunger, it was the hungry that cried - more tragic description of the pitiful state of the people

Look through the poem carefully for more clues about injustice and self-esteem. I hope this helps get you started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / Metaphors in essay? Or similies or personification? [4]

Greetings!

Unfortunately, sometimes you just have to roll your eyes and do it your teacher's way. ;-) (And then go back to writing the way you like after the class ends.)

Your sentence "Like an iceberg, Polonius showing only 1/8th of his character above the surface" is in active voice; however, the verb is not complete. You would need to say "is showing" or "shows."

Judging writing can be fairly subjective, and reasonable minds may differ. Personally, for what it's worth, I think you are right and your teacher is wrong; but in order to make a decent grade in the course, you're going to have to do it the teacher's way (sigh).

Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / "To build a fire" - Analysis of the man's character [2]

Greetings!

You've written a very insightful take on the man's character! I remember that when I read this story years ago, my main impression of the man was that he was stubborn to the point of stupidity--but you have delved deeper and discerned a very plausible motive for his somewhat implausible actions.

I'll make just a few editing notes:

Actually, the final [no "e"] paragraph takes one [or, the reader] aback: why is the main character suddenly desirous to die [better would be "why does the main character suddenly want to die"] whereas he has striven to survive along the whole story? - This brings up a good point: very few native English speakers know the past tense and past participle of "to strive." In fact, I had to look it up to be sure! It's strive, strove, has striven. Very strange word!

Consequently, since the beginning of the story demonstrates he is fully responsible, he most likely wants to enter the forest with the deliberate intention to expose himself to serious danger. [make it into one sentence]

he also makes every effort [delete "s"] to reduce his chances of success.

And a note re: British vs. American English, for any students who might be confused: in British English, the punctuation goes outside the quotation mark, unless the punctuation is part of the quote: "no man must travel alone in the Klondike after fifty below",

In American English, periods and commas always go inside the quotation mark, unless it's a single letter, such as "a". For example, "no man must travel alone in the Klondike after fifty below," but...

As usual, your essay is outstanding! Great job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Evaluation essay - Criteria for selecting cocoa varieties [4]

You're very welcome, Frederic! De rien! (and you deserve an A, you are an excellent writer!)

Sarah

Writing Feedback / essay on - why I write [17]

I see, thank you!

Sarah

Writing Feedback / an altogether different way of understanding how we make observations. [40]

Greetings!

I agree with you; I was just trying to understand when you referred to the "experiencing person" as "the real cause for something happening." To me, that implies that, without the person who is experiencing it, it does not happen. However, I see that there is more than one way to interpret the phrase.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Effect of bad friends - causes and effect essay [11]

You're welcome! Once you have a rough draft, I'd be happy to help with editing!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Autism is a spectrum disorder; Introduction to Autism [7]

Greetings!

You have a very well-written essay! I have just a few editing comments.

You don't say what the exact assignment was; if you were to compare and contrast the two books, you should probably mention them both in your opening paragraph, including them as part of your thesis statement.

The Autism sourcebook; Everything You need to Know About Diagnosis, Treatment, Coping, and Healing, ( Karen Siff Exkorn,2005) - I would imagine you are probably supposed to use APA referencing for your paper...? If so, your citations are not quite standard. Your in-text parenthetical citation should have the author's last name and the year; if you quote directly, put the page number as well: (Exkorn, 2005, p. 3). If you use the author's name in the sentence (and, ideally, you would, the first time), do it like this: "Exkorn (2005), discusses how most behaviors of in children are considered "typical behaviors" (p. 3). [I added a direct quote for demonstrative purposes.]

You don't need a citation here:
In Chapter 3, Understanding Your Child's Behavior, (Exkorn, K. pg. 38),
but you can put (p. 38) at the end of the sentence.

ASDs. - You use this a couple of times instead of ASD. I'm not sure why the "s" is there if it's called "Autism Spectrum Disorder"--unless there is more than one kind?

You have a couple of typos here:

Throughout this chapter the author lists parental concerns and questions and then answers them by showing the parent what a typical child looks like versus a child with ASD in the same situation.

may ignore or avoid the social initiation of others, and prefer to be alone.

1. For scientists to be able to communicate clearly

Were you specifically instructed to give your personal opinion, as if writing a book review? If so, this is fine: I thought it was great how the author presented the parent questions and then the answers. I've heard many parents ask these questions and this chapter is a must read for parents, very informative. - If not, though, you might want to take it out; only put your personal opinion in a formal writing assignment if instructed to do so.

There are lots of sites online with information on proper citation form! Just do an internet search with the type you are supposed to use: "APA citation" or "MLA citation" or "Harvard citation," etc.

Good luck with your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Effect of bad friends - causes and effect essay [11]

Greetings!

Your thesis statement will essentially tell the reader what your paper is about. A strong thesis statement will clearly state a position. You will then use the body of your essay to prove the thesis. For example: "Being the eldest child in a family can put additional burdens on a youngster, but can also have positive developmental effects." You would then go on to talk about what those additional burdens are and what effects they might have; then, you'd discuss the positive effects on the eldest child's development, what they are, and what the effect of them would be.

I hope this helps you get started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Analytical Essay - characterize Capote's view of Holcomb [4]

Then again, sometimes life just gets in the way of doing what you would like to do and you just have to make the best of it. ;-))

Sarah

Undergraduate / Effect of bad friends - causes and effect essay [11]

Greetings!

That's a good suggestion, Rajiv. And I think it will be good to bring in the positives as well as the negatives of that role.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / an altogether different way of understanding how we make observations. [40]

Greetings!

The question that comes to me is, if it is the person who is perceiving the event who is "the real cause for something happening" what of things which happen, unobserved? It's the age-old question of "if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?" If the answer is that if no one is there to observe it, it didn't happen, that I could not agree with. But certainly, I can see that our observation changes the way we perceive. Am I missing the point entirely?

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / essay on - why I write [17]

Greetings!

I hadn't looked at it that way; but now that I see what you are getting at, I don't find anything "unacceptable" about it. :-)) When you say ultimately you will tire of this journey, are you referring to the journey of life? or of questioning everything? or...?

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / he crowd is roaring and yelling, "Go WIZ"; Narrative Essay / The Wiz [2]

Greetings!

What you have so far is very good! I think probably the panicking would work well right after he hits the first ball and it takes you by surprise.

next to our captain, [use comma instead of:] Jazzle Mayway.

I quickly went to the back on the left side but the next thing I saw was his racket raised up in front of my face. - This makes it sound as if his racket is just a couple of inches from your face...?

In a second...the return was already returned and all I could see was his racket in my face. - I think you lose something by this repetition. can you find a different way to put it besides his racket in your face?

Fast, I thought to myself. That wasn't the case though--the main thing was that he out-predicted me. [I think an emdash works better after "though" than a comma.]

Calm down, [add comma] I said to myself.

Your conclusion would be stronger if it were more dramatic. Perhaps you could give a brief play-by-play of him "fluking out." You don't have a shocking come-from-behind win to draw on, but you could build the tension up a bit by describing how you outsmarted his predicting skills; and you could become more elated with every win. Maybe end with you teammates celebrating the "real Wiz." Be sure you stick with one spelling of it throughout.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Effect of bad friends - causes and effect essay [11]

Greetings!

In a cause and effect essay, you are answering the questions "why did this happen?" and "what was the result of it happening?" In an essay about the effect of bad friends, you already have the cause: bad friends. So all you need to do, after explaining what "bad friends" are, is to write about what the effects of that might be, whether cutting class, being talked into drinking or taking drugs, or whatever. It depends on why your friends are "bad" as to what kind of trouble you might get into, or what other effects there might be.

I hope this helps get you started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Response to Brave New World [4]

Greetings!

I think you've written a very good essay! I have just a couple of suggestions:

'enlightened'. - If you're using American Engligh, use double quotation marks and always put periods and commas inside them: "enlightened."

"Brave New World" - Titles of books are normally put in italics, rather than quotation marks.

Excellent work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Reporter at Large interview paper [5]

Greetings!

You have a very enjoyable writing style! Your description is excellent! I have a few editing suggestions:

there was the professional Duncan who [instead of "that"] was distant while acting and teaching improvisation classes, and there was the easygoing Duncan who clapped his hands while laughing and fit in [no hyphen] with the students.

he was only trying to catch up [no hyphen] the buoyant years that the city so mercilessly evaporated. (If you say "play catch-up" you can use a hyphen.)

"Our memories form our identities and our identities are our memories". - In American English, the period (or comma) always goes inside the quotation mark. Also, if you have a quote like this which is not famous, you need to say where it came from; otherwise, it's a mystery.

Very good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Analytical Essay - characterize Capote's view of Holcomb [4]

Greetings!

I think you've done a good job of analysis! I have just a few editing suggestions:

The first thing that comes to mind [instead of could come to one's mind] when reading about the rundown Holcomb, Kansas is an old Clint [not Cont] Eastwood western movie with "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" theme song playing in the background. -

a small village in Kansas that is so insignificant that even few Kansans know about it.

He then ends [no apostrophe] his description

The purpose of talking about Holcomb is to make sure the author understands how ordinary Holcomb is. - I think you meant make sure the reader understands.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / essay on - why I write [17]

Greetings!

You have touched on some very universal thoughts: "almost everyone is smarter than me, knows more about life, is managing better." I wonder what evolutionary advantage it might be to harbor such thoughts?

I'm afraid I really didn't follow the line of thought throughout this paragraph:

The mystery that life is, is the most significant thing now. We look around at others, of our own age and length of experience; in the city, everywhere, it is almost a certainty they all feel it the same. Something else matters more now. I look at a person spending more than I can, but I can tell with certainty he travels along the identical troughs and peaks of reality that I do, and that, almost all others at this stage of life do. What then to make of life?

Can you clarify?

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / on sounds and meaning - an essay [4]

Greetings!

The great thing about writing is that the author is in total control of the product, at least from the origination point--and, after delivery, has no control whatsoever over how it is received. There is a certain freedom in that!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / essay on - why I write [17]

Greetings!

Yes, I understood the roving eye, but not its connection to the question about God. If God is an inference, is it we who are doing the inferring?

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / on sounds and meaning - an essay [4]

Greetings!

Another thought-provoking essay! I'm curious...in this one, you do not put question marks at the ends of your questions. Is that a conscious technique? If so, why?

One other thing: "some are definitely assuring depending on where we are." - I think "reassuring" is more appropriate here; what do you think?

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / IS THIS A GOOD PHILOSOPHY PAPER FROM DIFFERERENT PERSPECTIVES? [3]

Greetings!

You've raised some good philosophical questions! I have some editing suggestions for you:

Will there ever be a universal law dealing with abortion, that every person will agree with and abide by, or will more philosophers and idealists bring about more ideas concerning this issue, making it harder to come to create a concluding idea. - You have asked a question, so end with a question mark. It's also a little long; you could pare it down a little ("to come to create" for instance; you could just say "reach").

Justice Ginsburg is expressing her fear that some people, and the other Justices might pursue on banning more abortion rights. - This could be constructed a little better. How about "pursue a ban on abortion rights"?

When people are given the choice to do something, they are happy. Dealing with abortions, when people want to choose whether they want to go through the procedure or not, most people would be happy. - I'm not sure "happy" is really the right word when discussing abortion. Perhaps "When dealing with the decision of whether to have an abortion, being able to make a free choice reduces anxiety."

A person has to ask themselves - "person" is singular; "themselves" is plural. Say "People must ask themselves" or "a woman must ask herself"

whether fetus's are rational / fetus's have a soul. - It's "fetuses." You are not alone in thinking that apostrophes have something to do with making a word plural (they don't); it's a veritable epidemic these days! Please help me stamp out errant apostrophes! :-))

I think you've done a good job of presenting the different perspectives!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Research Paper on Amy Tan's "The Hundred Secret Senses" [10]

Greetings!

I think you've done an excellent job of refining your essay! I have just a few editing comments:

Stephen Soitos, the author from the article - say "the author of the article"

Kwan, who was previously Nunumu, caused the separation of Olivia's and Simon's previous selves, Miss Banner and Yiban, when Kwan as Nunumu lied to Yiban, telling him she was fond of Yiban half as much as Cape, who was full foreigner. - this sentence is very confusing; try making it into two sentences.

Soitos explains the pattern Tan's uses throughout the novel - "Tan" instead of "Tan's"

Olivia, who is embarrassed with Kwan's belief in ghosts - say "embarrassed by"

Tan contrasts present day with what was a century ago and United States and China. - this is a bit confusing. I think better might be: "Tan contrasts the present day with life a century ago; she distinguishes the United States from China."

Although Tan's novel may strain the reader's credulity, the author's rich imagination comes from the difficulties of her own life experiences. - This is very good! :-)

It's great to see all the progress you've made! Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / an altogether different way of understanding how we make observations. [40]

Greetings!

Is one man's metaphor another man's reality? Put another way, is a metaphor always a metaphor? What role does context play? If a book features a man who is on the verge of mental collapse driving through a tunnel, and he comes out the other side feeling better, must the tunnel represent re-birth? Or is a tunnel sometimes just a tunnel? In school, I was always puzzled when I was told, "This is a metaphor for..." I would rather have made the discovery myself, I think...but would I ever have done so?

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / an altogether different way of understanding how we make observations. [40]

Greetings!

Absurd, no. A bit esoteric at times, yes. :-) It is much more difficult to write clearly when the thoughts being expressed come from deep within; the mind is a very personal place to dwell. But, if you want your writing to be understood by others, sometimes you must step outside it, and outside your own mind, and read it with fresh eyes: imagine you haven't written these things and they are not your thoughts; what would you glean, then, from the writings?

Just something to think about. :-)

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / essay on - why I write [17]

You're welcome!

Would you be willing to expand a little on the question "is the concept of God only an inference?" I feel as if I almost understand it, yet not quite...that, and the two lines following it, seemed somewhat disconnected to me; at least, I did not grasp how they related to one another.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / an altogether different way of understanding how we make observations. [40]

Greetings!

Being a literalist does not preclude thinking metaphorically. ;-))

I sat and watched a show on public TV about the sycamore fig tree...an amazing piece of life, a world, a universe within itself...the wasp that lays the egg within the fig, which becomes food for another creature, which in turn provides nourishment for another, on and on, smaller and smaller, the tiny creatures actually helping one another come into being, until a micropscopic worm wriggled itself into existence within the giant tree, without which the tree would not be able to reproduce; this series of dramas unrevealed from outside the tree, but creating a whole new universe within it. I noticed my mouth was open in amazement, and quietly closed it, somewhat abashed at my ability to be so amazed that there should be so much under the surface that I never dreamed existed...and I knew then, that trees--and events in life--do not happen "only as they appear to"; but we must be willing to open our eyes, so that our mouths can be opened as well.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / essay on - why I write [17]

Greetings!

I think you are saying that we can identify with that something which is withdrawing within, even though it is other than ourselves? If that is the case, then from a grammatical standpoint, it is not expressed quite right. (Don't you hate when grammar rules get in the way of creativity? ;-)) IF that was the meaning you intended, you would need to say, "Something is withdrawing within, something other than ourselves, but which we can identify with." (As I understand it, grammarians are now saying that it is not necessarily incorrect to end a sentence with a preposition; if it were, you'd have to say "but with which we can identify" which is perhaps even less elegant.)

Have I totally missed your point? I wouldn't put it past me. ;-))

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Mural on Broad and Spring Garde - help with my "statement of interest" [2]

Greetings!

For someone who has no experience writing a statement of interest, you have done a marvelous job! The only thing I might suggest would be a bit more of a transition from your first paragraph to the second. Something like, "since that day, I have wanted to learn how to create art in mural form." Also, your first paragraph says "that painting represented Philadelphia on more than one level" then you soon say "My interest in this internship lies on a few different levels." It might be more interesting to vary your language. Perhaps, the second time you could say something to the effect of "My interest in this internship is multi-faceted" or "stems from a variety of motivations."

I hope you get the internship! Good luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com