Undergraduate / "To illustrate Strength" - How is the content, should it be more personal? [4]

Hi.

I think you got a little bit overwhelmed by the three values and the word limit. Just focus on one, like this one


and talk about how you have learned from it, how one of the three values (or one of your own values that resembled one of theirs) have influence you to make you better.

G L~

Undergraduate / TITLE: Seven Pairs, Thirteen Years: This is my Common App Personal essay [10]

I think you have quite an unique topic, and explained the relationship between you and your glasses really well. Congratz~

If you want to cut, I suggest you to work on the intro paragraph, since it is a long para compared to the rest of your paragraphs, and it does not show how your glasses represents you.


Luckily, at the end of the day my glasses, battered and worn, were returned to me.

G L~

Undergraduate / Is God real? Is it true that He's there in times of my deepest sorrow? [7]

Hello~

I think your essay have truly shown the process of your growing by questioning yourself about the things that happened in your everyday life. It is really hard to do but I think you did great.

On the other hand, I think the following transition is a little bit subtle:


There seemed to have no relationship between them, and i think looked random. I know what you are getting at but I think you need to put a little bit thought into the wordings. Something like: "As I peeked deeper into my inner self, I my faith in God was put to test as I witnessed the tragedies that are happening every day..."

Or any other thing that make your essay flow.

Good luck~

Undergraduate / 'Coming mom / Do not panic' - intellectually engaging exp. and letter to roomate [4]


I think "instead" will go better here.


...you will meet...

Undergraduate / Essay for my father, who influences me a lot. [4]



Are you serious...


I think this is unnecessary, because you left it hanging without any connection to the next paragraph, and it did not shown how this aspect of him has affected you. And I think they knew well enough about CR already.

The motivation of the beginning all the way to"Without sufficient light" of the second paragraph is a bit unclear; how has his early life affected you?

Well, I can tell that your father is awesome. =D

Undergraduate / "That someone was me"; The American Dream [8]


I don't mean to put you down, but this sentence alone is worth expanding to an essay and will probably leave a better impression than the essay that you currently have. I know going to America is an exciting experience and you have shown it brilliantly with your colorful description, but what have you learn?

If this is an letter of appreciation, it would be great. But in a college application essay, do not expect to throw them your entire life and let the administration officers to interpret your life for you. Show them what you care, and how going to America has made you a better and a more mature person. I believed loving America is not an admission requirement.

Well, I may be wrong. You will have to decide for yourself.

Undergraduate / major in Special Education - University of Illinois Essay-Freshmen Admissions [3]


I think this is a bit long here; either one of the two will do.

because I feel an obligation to help children with special needs.

OR

because my interest in a becoming Special Education teacher has always been with me.

~~

Maybe a little bit of a preference matter, I prefer "As a child" to "As a child growing up".

~~


"However" is probably a bit strange here, maybe:

Fortunately, I received help from caring teachers...

~~


Watching my brother's struggle has motivated me to help more children with special needs to pursue their education (why?)

~~


children can shine regardless of their learning abilities. (why?)

~~

I think you can trim of cut the last sentence to elaborate more on the contain. Personal preference though.

G L ~

Undergraduate / 'bioengineering research' - College Sup. Essay: Duke Pratt school of Engineering [4]

Even though I hate Bio, I feel sort of manly after reading your application...

ershad193 has pointed out many of your mistakes, think along the line and give some specific evidence of what you have pointed out in your essay.

Undergraduate / Experiences...Accomplishments...Experiences - College admission essay [6]

I like your vision that "After all, a great leader's courage to fulfill her vision comes from passion not position."

Maybe you want to describe what you have done to be a great leader after pulling out from the election. Your idea is nice, but I think you need to understand what it means.

Good luck!