Posts by nishabala

nishabala

Oct 24, 2010

Undergraduate / True Diversity = Something I Myself Do Not Have; Yale Supplement [5]

Three things. One, is it a bit TOO humble? It's realistic, bracingly so, but it tells us nothing about YOU except a heritage. Two, I don't think you've answered the prompt. They'd probably know you're Chinese-American already. And three, you've got this much space to talk about what sets you apart, why would you squander it by talking about something that DOESN'T set you apart?

I wouldn't use the same essay, sorry.
Good luck:)

nishabala

Oct 23, 2010

Undergraduate / Kashmir: Imagine looking through a window... - Williams College Supplement [5]

You don't have to use the hindi words; though it makes it authentic, it's something you CAN dispense of if the dreaded word count problem hits.

Oh, and your last line is gorgeous.
" Ironically, like Kashmir, whose beauty has been reduced into a silhouette as terror casts its blanket of darkness"
I don't know if there should be a comma between ironically and Kashmir, and whether it should be another sentence; get someone else to look at that??

nishabala

Oct 23, 2010

Undergraduate / About Footie Pajamas: Common App and Pitt Personal Statement [14]

Hmmm. I'm actually in favour of past tense, cause of two things. One, present tense works best when you're writing the essay in second person. And two, you can inadvertently make things sound plain ridiculous: like "I am tugging on the thread that is hindering my zipper by using the full strength of my bicep. It broke." In that, you've got an action in the present tense, and the next bit of action in the past tense.

I really like it though. I don't think length is too much if a problem, cause of its nature. You just breeze through it, it's so natural. I'd shorten it to win ponts with the guy reading it, though, you gotta admit that (s)he'd be daunted by this. Especially since it skips around a lot, so your reader needs to be motivated to read it.

"They can enjoy my presence, or they can get lost." : NOT too sure this is something you'd want to put in a college essay. Since the people who you want to impress with it aren't rebellious 17-year-olds[;)]. Similar argument for leaving "Pink? What a fail, Mom" out of it. It's individual, but maybe to the point of belligerence?

nishabala

Oct 23, 2010

Scholarship / Diversity: How your Nigerian background influenced your personal development [3]

This reads like a speech someone would give at the UN, right down to the phrase "and I quote" which is completely unnecessary in writing. I don't know if it is just me, but it seems almost like you haven't connected with your environment and instead are giving us what the textbooks say about your people. It this was the effect you were going for, you've achieved it, but for a scholarship essay you may want to add a personal touch.

" still maintain that humility, respect and sense of responsibility that characterized my childhood." It would be nice if you gave an example. I mean an example that uses 'I' and 'my parents', and not just 'we'.

Don't qualify the quatation by saying it's your favourite, the second part of the sentence says that just as well.
Good luck:)

nishabala

Oct 23, 2010

Undergraduate / Kashmir: Imagine looking through a window... - Williams College Supplement [5]

What, why? I'll copy it and paste it here, I guess:/

"Wow, are you Kashmiri?
I connect with what you're saying, but I don't think you've said enough about the fear, it may be difficult for other people to realize its impact.

Your second paragraph is about redness, I THINK it might be worth your while to mention that more prominently in the first.
I think you use the word Kashmir too much in the second half of the second paragraph, maybe you should restructure to avoid using the name in some places?

The first and last paragraphs can be removed, cause you can make the environment you're talking about the Dal Lake, that might help you with your word crunch. If you do that, write more about the concept of the silhouette, it can tell a better story of the significance of the scene to you.

I think 70 words over is too high, it might make you seem indecisive.
Good luck:)"

nishabala

Oct 23, 2010

Essays / How to write an essay on my goals for the school year / education importance [13]

Start by writing down what you want to do with your future, whatever it is. Then think about what courses and subjects you can use to get there, and write that down. Then think about WHY the courses you picked will help you.

Your first sentence can be what you like about what you want to do; like if you want to be a teacher, you can talk about how you enjoy influencing children and making them better people. Then go on to say that to make this work, you want to be a teacher.

Hope this helped:)

nishabala

Oct 23, 2010

Undergraduate / There are 2 types of people in the world...What are they? UChicago supplement. [9]

I know, I wrote the 'find x' topic, and then decided that I'm not applying to UChicago. The topics are ridiculous, but fun to write:).

nishabala

Oct 23, 2010

Undergraduate / There are 2 types of people in the world...What are they? UChicago supplement. [9]

Oh wow, I love your idea. And the way it's written.
I don't know how the university will take it, though. I don't know what they want. But I suppose they'd remember it, so that's half the battle won:)

nishabala

Oct 23, 2010

Undergraduate / "Soccer field" - Williams 'an environment that is particularly signifiant to you' [15]

Thank you both:)

nishabala

Oct 23, 2010

Undergraduate / Theater, LEAVING MYSELF BEHIND: CommonApp Short Answer, Extracurricular Activity [5]

Thanks:). Anything you'd sugget I change?

nishabala

Oct 23, 2010

Undergraduate / "Heaven or Tufts" short answer essay [5]

How about you combine the two? I like "yet hold space for something bigger, better and unknown," cause it makes YOU seem like an interesting person.

If you want to use the last line, I'd change it to something like "As I searched the world I found two places that I'd feel like I belonged-Tufts and Heaven. Considering that I am too young to go to heaven, I'd love to go to Tufts." and not mention the minor part cause I suppose they'd know that they have a minor in the subject you're looking for. The phrase 'this place' isn't clear, I took it to mean the world but if it means something else use that.

The first line of both versions seem like they will blend in memory with the last line of a previous essay read... try skipping it? Start with something like "Why limit yourself with something that already fits you?" [which is a little too overused] or something that describes your personal heaven (so the last sentence integrates itself with your essay)

nishabala

Oct 23, 2010

Undergraduate / Theater, LEAVING MYSELF BEHIND: CommonApp Short Answer, Extracurricular Activity [5]

Prompt: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer).

LEAVING MYSELF BEHIND

We wait in the wings as a thousand expectant faces are mesmerized by the stage where the spotlight shines bright. There's a flash of the rainbow, dizzying motion, and in just a moment the intricate reality we created recedes into the dominion of dreams. But the world existed and we created it; and in the end, that's what really matters.

Theater has showed me how a whisper can be as effective as a holler; how a single step can mean more than a protracted sprint. It has taught me to slip into somebody else's skin, and see the world as they perceive; to cherish the parts that constitute a whole; and that to be right someone else doesn't have to be wrong. It has demonstrated both the power of a cohesive team and the value of preserving individuality in a team.

And ironically, with every step of leaving myself behind, I grow.

nishabala

Oct 16, 2010

Undergraduate / "To explore myself and my world" - Why Notre Dame Essay [5]

"the initial footnote of this school left in my mind was "a place to think". "
Also, I don't think 'footnote' is the right word in the context. 'Impression', maybe?

I don't think your start is strong or decisive enough, try starting with your third sentence? Start with talking about yourself as opposed to about the college?

"The dark color, peaceful campus picture, and compact page layout struck me ~~a lot~~ and I began to believe it was the very place I desired to go and live during my valuable college life."

The dark colour and compact page layout of the website convinced you that this was the college you wanted to go to? It may seem to the person who's reading it that you haven't thought about your college hard enough.

Also, the second half of your sentence is really wordy. Maybe you could try something like "the peaceful campus struck me as the place I desired to live in during me valuable college life".

"Notre Dame as a Catholic university can offer me ~~greatest~~a great spiritual education like theology and philosophy."
Also, 'great' isn't a strong or memorable word, try

"There is no doubt I will be inspired and guided to think ~~with~~at an advanced level"

nishabala

Oct 15, 2010

Undergraduate / "Performing art in Centre Pompidou"-- Common activity essay [6]

It's amazing. I'm nitpicking here.

Chilled by its skeleton-like appearance, I embraced myself in front of the haggard bride statue. Participating in the WEMUNC Art Program, my friends and I were visiting Centre Pompidou, the pioneer of modern arts.

and

Impassioned by the extreme color contrast, I danced beside a trash-made cube. In front of a canvas of peacefully overlapping circles, I enclosed myself in a woolen, cozy scarf to convey a sense of tranquility.

In both of these, the power of the sentence constrution is somewhat nullifed by their similarity, I think. It would be much more striking if you switched the order of the clauses of one of the sentences in each of the pairs.

I know it is being oneself that is the real challenge and essence of art-and life, and now that I have the courage to do so, there is nothing else to fear.

You might want to try 'being myself'... that's the only place in the entire essay that you switched to third person.

nishabala

Oct 15, 2010

Undergraduate / "Soccer field" - Williams 'an environment that is particularly signifiant to you' [15]

Feedback, please? Be brutal:)

Prompt: Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you.

It is far from impressive; at less than a third of the size of a standard soccer field, it doesn't even have the advantage of grass. The goalposts were bent, the ground uneven and dusty, and he sun seemed to take particular pleasure in ferociously shining overhead. There's a lot wrong with the field I played my first home game in- and it still managed to intimidate me.

You could say I played soccer- if nine boys and a girl kicking a ball up and down a deserted lane on weekends could be called soccer. Technically I played street soccer- and I taught myself how to play. Few schools in India let girls play formal soccer, so I never did- until I turned sixteen and moved to a different high school. I wasn't an incompetent player- I could move the ball where I wanted, and I was far from afraid of it- but I didn't know how people really play. None of my technique was right, and I didn't think I could even make the team. I tried out because I didn't think I had anything to lose by it.

One year later, I captained my school team. We haven't lost a game yet.
My diminutive soccer field means a lot to me. It's a symbol of an indomitable spirit, of the victory of the underdog. It represents the failure of not trying, to opportunities I'd miss if I gave up before I start. It's a sign of the futility of fear- it tells me to embrace the unknown. It gives me a heart-warming feeling of accomplishment, of mastery over something I'd thought impossible.

And it shows me that beauty comes in many different packages; you just need to look hard enough for it.