Undergraduate / Medical Secondary [26]

Content-wise you are on the right track. You just need to revise the grammar a bit:

"I had growngrew up in a rural village in Vietnam"

"In joining the Columbia-Bassett Program, I will pursue a medical education that will allow me to apply medical knowledge and skills in daily clinical practice to treat patients from undeserved rural communities." "Undeserved" doesn't really work here. Revise.

"I'm very excited to join hands with experienced physicians"

Undergraduate / how to reply an letter of acceptance [18]


What are you trying to say in this sentence? It seems incomplete as is.

Essays / "The delights and frustrations of a teenager" - Expository Essays Help [18]

The core of your introduction should consist of a thesis statement and summary of your reasons for believing it. You can add some preamble before getting to that, if you need to define key terms or to supply background information that will help the reader follow your logic later on. Or, you can start directly in with your thesis and just expand on the summary a little bit to get your intro up to a full-sized paragraph. There are other formulas for writing introductions, but I find most of them tend to result in wordy intros that begin with generalizations that weaken rather than strengthen the essay. Someone will probably mention that you are supposed to start with an interesting hook for the reader, and if you can think of some way to do this, more power to you, but it isn't strictly necessary for this sort of assignment, unless your teacher has asked for it specifically.

Writing Feedback / Similarities of Love and Jealousy in today's society - Dreaded Shakespear [42]

Well, since your mind is made up, that's that, really. Still, the topic is one that works well with play, so you should be able to come up with a decent essay.

Writing Feedback / Similarities of Love and Jealousy in today's society - Dreaded Shakespear [42]

Perhaps you could argue that Iago is a villain because he is so consumed with jealousy that he has no room in his soul for love. He sets out to destroy Othello in large part because he suspects his wife of cheating on him with Othello. He knows that this suspicion is unreasonable, that no such affair ever happened, but he can't keep himself from feeling jealous anyway. Indeed, he is jealous of Othello's "loving nature," of his marriage to Desdemona, of his rank, of everything about Othello. He is jealous of Cassio, too, whom he thinks Othello has favored more than him. He's almost a personification of jealousy, and he poisons the hearts and minds of those around him, destroying their ability to think lovingly. You should be able to do something with that, given your new topic.

Book Reports / Key to get re-submitted! Anicent World History Paper [31]

The arguments the book makes, the reasons for its thesis. I assume, given the title of the book, that its thesis is that the Jews have profoundly influenced Western culture. Further, the author likely argues that the influence as been primarily positive. So, what reasons does the author give for believing this? What evidence does he provide for the truth of these reasons? Did you find the author's case convincing? If so, why? If not, why not?

Undergraduate / The biological father plays a tiny role in my life, but my stepfather loves me like I am his own son [4]

Additionally, you might want to add a bit at the end in which you tie the values your dad taught you into your decision to apply to whatever university this is written for, though you should keep this fairly brief.

Student Talk / Took the IELTS Today and didn't go as I expected :( [35]


In the meantime, why not write an essay answering this prompt that you can post here? Regardless of how you did on the test, practicing your writing skills is a good idea, and I am curious as to what you have to say about the topic.

Writing Feedback / Similarities of Love and Jealousy in today's society - Dreaded Shakespear [42]

You might try pulling up an etext version of Othello and doing a search for "jealousy." This will allow you to easily find key quotations that relate to your topic, and might make it easier for you to find support for your points.

Essays / "The delights and frustrations of a teenager" - Expository Essays Help [18]

You might also look for those common factors I mentioned. For instance, a lot of your "delights" center around the idea of the freedom from responsibilities teens enjoy. Many of your "frustrations" focus on the lack of control teens have over their own lives. Perhaps these two are related. That is, teenagers have a lot of freedom from responsibility, but because they are not primarily responsible for supporting themselves, they have to live more as others wish them to.

Writing Feedback / Too much rules are useful or not? [6]




You keep telling us what you are going to write about, instead of just writing about it directly. If you were to eliminate these tags, which should be unnecessary in clear writing, your essay would become stronger. You could likewise eliminate phrases such as "I think" or "in my opinion."

Essays / "The delights and frustrations of a teenager" - Expository Essays Help [18]

Start by brainstorming to come up with ideas. What are some of the delights of being a teenager? What are some of the frustrations? Write down all of the things you can think of that would answer these questions. Then, look for patterns or connections between the items on your list. With a bit of effort, you will discover some common factor or factors that underlie at least some of the frustrations and delights. Then, you will be able to generate a thesis. With a thesis and key points, you will have something perilously close to an outline you can work from as you start writing the essay.

Writing Feedback / Is Obama's stimulus package working? [15]

Ah, yes. So many of us who are drawn to English or the humanities are drawn too towards teaching. Just make sure you can handle the idea of having to teach a bunch of students, who, for the most part, won't care about the topic you have to teach.

Writing Feedback / Similarities of Love and Jealousy in today's society - Dreaded Shakespear [42]

And I would still tend to argue that jealousy arises as a result of insecurity and love mingling. That is, someone who is insecure will tend to become jealous of the person he or she loves, because he or she will not truly believe themselves worthy of being loved.

Writing Feedback / Similarities of Love and Jealousy in today's society - Dreaded Shakespear [42]

Essentially, she's saying you could define love, define jealousy, then argue that the two meanings get confused within the play, leading to tragedy. When we love someone, we are supposed to want them to be happy. So, if Othello loves Desdemona, and wants her to be happy, he might ask what about their relationship might have driven her to an affair (assuming he still believes Iago) and even whether or not she might happier with Cassio (whether they were having an affair or not). Jealousy is merely a desire to possess someone for oneself, without regard for their happiness. So, jealousy and love are not synonymous. However, a case could be made that, in the play, the the two words are treated synonymously. That is, Othello is jealous when it comes to Desdemona because he believes that is how one should be with someone one loves. After all, no one in the play argues that Othello's actions would have been wrong if in fact Desdemona had been having an affair . . .

Writing Feedback / GMAT issue essay - censorship of television programmes [9]

Actually, if you believe that censorship of television is necessary to protect children, then that argument would presumably be valid -- television news is by far the most negative and violent programming available, and it runs 24/7. Not saying I agree with censorship (I don't), but the example wouldn't be "trouble" for the thesis the author is arguing.

Scholarship / What should be the right format for my scholarship essay? [4]

You might want to post said essay here, too, if you haven't already handed it in.

Writing Feedback / GMAT issue essay - censorship of television programmes [9]

Your problem here stems from a failure to define your key terms, namely censorship. You seem to be dealing with censorship of television programs aimed at children, or at least likely to air in prime time. However, censorship can also refer to censorship of news programs for political reasons, which is what Simone is concerned about. If you had explained what you meant by censorship, what its purposes and limits should be, in your introduction, the issue would likely not have arisen.

Writing Feedback / 'minimum obligations' [TOEFL] Who enjoyed/enjoy life better? Older or Young? [6]

Your structure and content are good, here. You have the right general formula down, and use some strong concrete examples to back up your points. I'd stick with this for your other practice essays.

Writing Feedback / Similarities of Love and Jealousy in today's society - Dreaded Shakespear [42]


You're very welcome :-)

Seriously, though, don't be discouraged. Essays sometimes start off on the wrong track. I've had that happen to me before -- I've started writing an essay and realized three-quarters of the way through that it's off-topic, or that I overlooked an argument or detail that throws off my case. So, I guess you could say it happens even to the best of us. Better that I tell you than your teacher, though. And on the bright side, you now have a much better idea of how your essay should be constructed, and so your next draft should take you much less time to write.

Dissertations / Business Management / Databases topics [15]


Then you are doomed. If, on the other hand, you need to perform original research that builds on what others have already done, you might be able to find something. Both of Simone's suggestions are excellent, as far as that goes. You likely aren't going to be able to come up with something utterly new. Focus instead on coming up with something that will expand the borders of your field in useful ways.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL : young people should have the ability to plan and organize. [6]


Who says this, exactly?


Whereas in the distant past it was better to use time inefficiently?

As the above examples show, you should try to avoid really abstract, general statements in your writing. Apart from that, and from Simone's points, you are on the right track.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: International Tourism - TENSION or UNDERSTANDING? [11]

And when brainstorming, write down both the pro and the con arguments that occur to you. You may find it easier to construct a case for the side you disagree with, in which case go right ahead -- the essay doesn't have to be a reflection of your actual beliefs. If you don't have enough arguments for either side, then look at the opposing arguments and see if a response to one of them might become an argument for your side.

Essays / Where to learn bhangra dance - my topic [7]

Certainly this is a fairly original topic, and will make a nice change from essays on global warming and the like.

Speeches / Introductory speech about myself, my family, my job [16]

Sorry, Orlando, that was a rhetorical question, also meant to be encouraging to others. I was not actually questioning your feelings on the matter.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Serious movies or entertaining movies? Which is better? [9]

You were taught it? I never was, in school or at university. I first learned about it through my parents, who were taught it formally. I was therefore under the impression that it wasn't really taught here (in Canada), and I just sort of assumed that it would be too complex for Americans :-). However, many students preparing for the TOEFL have educational experience in other countries than these, where it seems the form may still be taught, judging on what I have seen on the forums.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays people care more about their appearance more than before. Do you agree? [11]

Certainly. I think we can agree that people responding to the prompt are free to write about whatever time and place they want to, so long as they let the reader know in advance. Even if they are writing about the time and place that they assume the prompt refers to, it would be a good idea to specify them explicitly, in case the reader has different assumptions in mind.

Writing Feedback / Similarities of Love and Jealousy in today's society - Dreaded Shakespear [42]

Those are excellent questions, and would yield yet another way of writing a good essay on the topic. You might even be able to salvage some of what you already have. That said, it is usually easier and quicker to start from scratch (whichever approach you take) than to try to salvage something that doesn't really hold together at all.

Letters / I want to attend construction managment [5]

When writing any resume or c.v., you should tailor it, as much as possible, to the job you are applying for. So, if you have a lot of work experience, include only the ones that are relevant to your application. If you have a limited amount of work experience, try to describe the responsibilities you had there in a way that makes them as relevant as possible to the job you are applying for, or that shows you as developing general skills that virtually any employer would be interested in. Just because you have to be honest doesn't mean you can't be creative (the art of spin). So, if you spent a summer working at McDonald's, if you spent anytime at all on the register, you could say either:

"Took meal orders from teenagers and obese adults"

OR

"Determined and met a variety of client needs"

The two statements describe the same activity, but which do you think sounds more relevant to a job in construction management?

That was a deliberately extreme example, btw. I'm assuming, or at least hoping, that you have more directly relevant experience to begin with, which will make writing your c.v. much easier.

Writing Feedback / CBEST: the most important trait a teacher can have is self-acceptance! [9]

Perhaps you should start by defining self-acceptance. Self-acceptance refers, very broadly, to a person's ability to be comfortable with who they are. You talk more about how a good teacher should be comfortable with who other people are, namely the students. Now, you might be able to argue that someone who has good self-acceptance will be better able to accept others, but you do not argue this at the moment, and it is certainly not self-evident (a teacher who is racist and comfortable with it, for instance, might be said to manifest good self-acceptance, yet still have trouble relating well to students, especially minority ones). In a narrower sense, self-acceptance can refer to a person's awareness of his or her own strengths and weakness, and his or her ability to cope well with that knowledge psychologically. It shouldn't be too difficult to write an essay arguing that a teacher who knows his or her own weaknesses is going to be better off than a teacher who is unaware of them. You sort of are on the hook for a new essay, though, if you want to successfully handle the prompt. Your current essay, while very interesting, is sort of arguing a different topic.

Writing Feedback / Should parents be held responsible for acts of vandalism committed by their children? [17]

A bit better. A least you have some reasons in support of your thesis. This is good:


You could also revise the first part of this paragraph fairly easily to make it on topic too:


So, as children engaging in vandalism are children who have been poorly socialized by their parents, their actions are partially their parents fault. Therefore, their parents should pay the cost of the damages. You just need to say something like that explicitly, and your first body paragraph will be quite strong.

Your second body paragraph still doesn't tie back to your thesis. It remains a good reason for fighting vandalism in general, but not for making parents pay for it. Perhaps you could argue that recouping the costs of the damage from the parents would allow neighborhoods to use the money to restore themselves, so mitigating the effects of vandalism you describe.

Writing Feedback / "The Attitude of Success!" - CBEST: successful person essay! [14]

No, no . . . the conversation was meant to highlight the weakness of your description, not as suggested material for insertion. In any event, your most recent version of your essay is much stronger. You are more specific about his type of arrogance (he believed no one could be better at sales than him). Your rephrasing of some of the other sentences helps a lot, too. It is now more clear that your description of what he said is a summary of what you gleaned from the conversation, rather than an attempt to paraphrase it.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays people care more about their appearance more than before. Do you agree? [11]

Well, let's see, the TOEFL is a university application test produced by an American company (ETS). The test measures a person's mastery of English, which is presumed to be a foreign language for the person applying, almost as if the test were originally designed to allow American universities to screen international students for their ability to communicate on campus with other students and with professors. It doesn't seem unreasonable to assume that the test makers had, if not North America, then the West in general in mind. For that matter, I'd probably go in the opposite direction, and say they were probably thinking specifically of "The United States" as the place when they wrote the prompt.

Essays / Essay on myself, how to write it? [35]

Hey, bubuvio, could you post your topic as a new thread? I could just move it, but given where that would leave the conversation here, someone else would likely post another topic in its place. This way, this post will make it clear to people who are eager to implement Simone's idea that they should do so by starting new threads with their topics. Thanks.

Writing Feedback / Similarities of Love and Jealousy in today's society - Dreaded Shakespear [42]

But he isn't mistrustful. He accepts Iago's words at face value, without any real questioning of them. He afterward suspects Cassio and Desdemona of villainy, but he doesn't seem to mistrust either of them until Iago comes along. And at no point in what you have now do you explain how love necessarily breeds mistrust, or even how it makes Othello himself mistrustful, which is what you say you are going to talk about in your intro:

"In William Shakespeare's story Othello, he portrayed and developed the topic of love to destroy people though anger,violence,mistrust along with uncertainty."

But then later, you say:

"The entire affair has been caused by Iago's mistrust and his ability to attack peoples weak points." Now the mistrust is Iago's? And even if you mean "Iago's deceit," you are admitting that love doesn't lead Othello to destroy anyone. Rather, Iago does, by playing on people's weaknesses. And, in Othello's case, that weakness seems to be insecurity rather than an overly loving nature.

This is what I mean when I say your thesis isn't clear. You don't really talk about how love is destructive. You talk instead about how angry Othello becomes when he thinks Desdemona is having an affair, without looking at why he believes that without even discussing the accusation with her first.

Writing Feedback / Is Obama's stimulus package working? [15]

Notoman, have you ever considered a career in journalism? Your off the cuff response to the situation is better written than many articles I've read that presumably were published after a great deal of revision.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Serious movies or entertaining movies? Which is better? [9]

Wow, great example. I've always thought that this sort of structure made a lot of sense for many topics, as it forces people to seriously consider both sides of an issue. I suspect, though, that it fell out of favor because it is harder to teach and to master than an essay format reliant only on three arguments in favor of a single thesis. Many of the essays I've read here, especially those for TOEFL, IETLS, etc. seem to have been written by students who have been taught this structure. Often, this means that the essay ends up seeming diluted and weak, with the thesis lost in conflicting statements of view that are never really reconciled.

Writing Feedback / Should university studies be subsidized? [9]

Specific details are usually a good idea. In this particular essay, though, the statistics for Sri Lanka really need to be compared to a country that doesn't provide free public education. Preferably, the country would be fairly similar to Sri Lanka in terms of population, GDP, etc. The statistics only show that free public education is a good thing if they comparable favorably with the alternatives.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Serious movies or entertaining movies? Which is better? [9]


This came up on another topic posted here recently, too. Prompts with a structure "Some people prefer A while others prefer B, which do you think is better?" can often be dealt with via a thesis, antithesis, synthesis structure in the essay. In fact, I believe this was once taught as the standard way of composing essays, though it seems to have fallen out favor now.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] The number of cars will increase in the future [6]

Also, cars run on petrol, not patrol. As long as we have a surplus of people, we will never run out of potential patrols. Petrol, on the other hand, is currently a polluting, non-renewable resource, though it does not have to be.