Writing Feedback / Which environment is better for children to grow up? Countryside or City? [8]

... that living in a big city provides access to better education and more facilities in which to live.

I do believe that growing up raising children in a big city helps them to achieve...

On the other hand, in the countryside there are few institutions in which that prepare some...

... common fields to study, so those who dwelling in the countryside are often confronted with limited education prosperity funding.

Although growing up in a rural setting may involve many obstacles, they benefit from clean, fresh air and a beautiful view which lead to a healthy life.

Even though in the countryside people find a peaceful environment for their children to grow up healthy, they rarely have access to highly qualify academic institutions to educate their children for a better life with more facilities.

Nice job! Keep practicing. The meaning is clear, and the mistakes are not very significant. :-)

Research Papers / What is a good way to find Secondary Sources? [5]


Hey, I like that. You have good ideas...

I read an explanation by C.S. Lewis in Mere Christianity that said we have a fear of NUMENON (the unknown)...and that incudes ghosts, death, people who are different from us, etc.

Well, here is my most useful idea about it: You are having trouble because you are sending yourself searching for articles to perfectly illustrate your idea. Forget your idea for now. Read great articles and receive that main idea the author is trying to convey. Then, go back and rewrite your thesis to include compounded wisdom from your idea and all the others.

Start by writing a paragraph topic sentence about each article's main idea.
:-)

Essays / How I Am A Leader Essay - need some hints and pointers [8]

Google this: science of leadership

You can cite scholars like Prentice, Goleman, and others whose work you find when you research the science of leadership.

If you do a search for articles, you can find so many great articles about leadership science. Also, there are many styles: charismatic, transactional, transformational, servant...

Do your reading, write about what you understand, and you really will be a leader! :-)

Writing Feedback / "How Kirsys felt in love in La playa De Los Gringos?" - Narrative story [3]

Hi Ruth, I'll correct some of the grammar and then we'll see about

It was a beautiful sunny day out; Jose who has had been Kirsy's friend...

since they were young invited her to the beach with all his friends. Her heart was beating fast, as she felt every cell beneath her skin vibrating, her hands beginning to shake, and sweat coming out of her forehead, because she did not know anyone other then him. She said, "I'm not sure if I should go.''

He look at her with a smile on his face and reply, "Come on, it will be fun, I promise."

She look down, hold held his hands really tight, and softly said, " Alright, alright I will go.''

Holding each other's hands, they walked toward the bus that was talking , and it took around ...

"Come on! Are you going to stay there all day?" Jose yield yelled.---Good sentence!

As the time flew them by it was already 2:00 PM, everyone seems seemed to be hungry and everyone gathered together their money and bought...

Okay, the most important thing for you to work on is using the past verb tense. Study that! I like the story... :-) Don't worry, a lot of people are still struggling to perfect their English! Welcome to EssayForum!

Writing Feedback / Should Guns be Allowed on College Campus? - my finals essay [6]

You have a little typo here:
It is frightening how easily easy it is to obtain...

To answer that question as briefly as possible, yes. ----Ha ha, well said! I think I agree.

Owning a gun is as American as apple pie---nice use of the literary device SIMILE...

Run on sentence:
The certification process to own a gun should be more than a background check and a firearm safety course, it should involve ----You should turn that comma into a period or semi-colon.

You did this very well! I think it will be even stronger if you cite more solid evidence, i.e. statistics, case studies, etc., to support your argument. You did give some great examples, but with a brief search of google you can find about 10 more great facts to pack into the essay.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "Olympic Foods" - GMAT essay - Analysis of an Argument [2]


typo


Ha ha, you have a clever writing style.

Hey, thanks for teaching me the verb "avers." I have never heard that word before!!


I like your writing style so much! Very well done... you made all the arguments I would have made. I think this is top quality writing.

Essays / IR exam with questions: Threats to international peace and security. [2]

I don't think you need to use an outline like this. I think you should memorize a list.
Look at your class syllabus or your notes and make a list of the threats.

If you do that, you can just use my simple method for whipping up an essay:
Each item on the list becomes a paragraph topic sentence.
Each topic sentence is followed by a sentence to explain it a little.
Next comes a sentence that uses an example to support that idea.
Then, give one last sentence about the implications of the topic of the paragraph.

That way, every threat you learned about will become a full paragraph. When you have written a paragraph about all of them, go back and write an intro paragraph, and then put a conclusion at the end.

It can be easy! :-) Good luck!

Graduate / I arrived in the United States nine years ago from Guyana. My future was like a blank canvas [3]


Great sentence here...

The problem was that I had...

With just a couple of years of studies left before I would earn my degree, the...

Use action verbs:
... and be able to make a significant impact on...

Great job!! do you have room to write more before you reach the word limit? I think you should give at least one paragraph to share your philosophy of medicine -- google that term to find great articles, and read them for inspiration. At the end of the essay, it would be great to expound your personal philosophy and perhaps some of the areas of specialization that appeal to you. Read a lot, and then write a few great sentences to share your unique ideas.

Writing Feedback / "Censorship of TV/Radio" - GMAT essay - Analysis of an Issue [3]

... the conclusion that government or an appropriate censor body should be able to censor television or radio programs. (Right here, I think you should try to express the main idea of the essay in a sentence or two. Add 1 or 2 sentences to the end of the intro paragraph, and by doing that you can sum up your main argument. I think it is good that you state your position in this introduction, but can you also sum up your main idea/argument/reasoning?

It may be argued though that anything on which censorship is imposed can arouse more curiosity in the minds of people---Good point!!

Capitalize Internet, a proper noun.

I love the ending. You are talented!

Undergraduate / Soccer: I put on my gloves and race to the playground to help my team - something pleasant to me [18]

I think it is indeed better! Nice...
Let's put the beginning in the present verb tense:
'I won't let it through, whether that means charging the opponent to grab it or sliding across the grass to reach it -- whatever it takes!" such is my cast of mind when I play as the goalkeeper-skipper.

Thwarting an attempt on goal is not my only job as being the skipper. I must maintain my ...

It's nice that you connected it to your chosen field at the end! Can you find a creative way to identify yet another commonality in the two? Can you find another creative observation to make about the kind of intense focus you might need for bio-nanotechnology?

Faq, Help / How do I delete a thread? [40]

Here is all the info: Disclaimer, Privacy, Terms of Service.
I hope that enables you to achieve your goal. If any of it is unclear, come back to this thread and let me know! Sometimes people get upset about the fee for removing threads, but usually people understand why.

Kind regards!

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: (people worked in 4 sectors in UK) DESCRIBE A TABLE [3]

Does it show only those 2 years or does it show all the years in between?
Do not say BOTH if it is more than two. If it is just about 1998 and 2006, do this:
The table showed shows how many people worked in four sectors in the UK during 1998 and 2006.

In both years , the total number of workers was divided into five different age profiles, and these reflected a significant change.

...was notoriously the poorest lowest number of people with...

Use a comma when the number is over 1,000. For example, 454,375.


Yeah, tables have information that is hard to explain. That is why a table is necessary! So, don't be discouraged. :-)

Writing Feedback / External appearance provides important clues for a person [3]


Yeah, I agree! Good call. It was not wrong the other way, but this way sounds nicer.

Dressing in black, on the other hand, shows that he is kind of sad or that he has something serious to do.

... would have probably disgusted his peers.---Look at the important change I made here. This is the correct way to use the word disgusted. I can say this:

"You disgust me!"
"I was disgusted by Einstein's lack of a fashion sense."

Try no tto use language that ignores women:
Paying attention to a person's external appearance is a good way to get known him or her. Thoughts and action have already been unintentionally concentrated in his outside appearance. Once we start to notice how people dress and how they eat, we can perceive a their real personalities.

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Research findings on characteristics with what we are born [3]

Oh, I like the way Dumi fixed that first sentence! I was thinking about this... Every person is born with some unique characteristics which differ from the characteristics of others in one way or another. For example, some people are born with ...

The way Dumi fixed ti is great, though, because DIFFERENTIATE is a cool word to use.
Don't use this abbreviation: For e.g.

Do this:
For example, if a child possesses good diving skills at a very young age, then he has the talent to become a famous diver later on in his adulthood. ---Good!

Personality is a joint influence of genetics and environment. Our genes inherited from our parents set our characteristics while our environment and experience moulds it either in a good form or a bad one.--I think you are right! You explained this well...

In my opinion, personality ...

:-)

Research Papers / Business intelligence techniques (I have only small data...) [7]


Excellent! That is cool. I think you might like to use a theme like this: CHECKLIST. You can make a check list to show what the programs should include in order to meet industry needs. Start by interviewing industry experts about industry needs, and make a great checklist. Then, you can use the checklist to create a structured interview to use with the people you interview about the programs.


You could do this, but wouldn't it be better to take a problem solving approach? How about using the checklist to make recommendations about what new courses should be offered in the universities.

If you do that, you can forget all the other complex aspects of this, and it will still be very meaningful.

***If this suggestion is completely inappropriate, it is because I don't know this subject very well! :-)

Undergraduate / "Koffee Klatch"-personal quality essay [4]


I'd stick with books!
:-)

Seriously, this is very good stuff... I like it. I think you should establish the setting, the scene, in that first paragraph somewhere. You have potential for great imagery as long as you plant an idea about the look & feel of the place where you and he are sitting.

Every person has at least one spout of wisdom in them, gathered from a personal experience or two---I guess I think this sentence should be changed to assume an enormous wealth of wisdom rather than one sprout. I'm a humanist! ha ha...

If you can connect this more to your chosen career path, it will be even more meaningful.

Undergraduate / "Koffee Klatch"-personal quality essay [4]


I'd stick with books!
:-)

Seriously, this is very good stuff... I like it. I think you should establish the setting, the scene, in that first paragraph somewhere. You have potential for great imagery as long as you plant an idea about the look & feel of the place where you and he are sitting.

Every person has at least one spout of wisdom in them, gathered from a personal experience or two---I guess I think this sentence should be changed to assume an enormous wealth of wisdom rather than one sprout. I'm a humanist! ha ha...

If you can connect this more to your chosen career path, it will be even more meaningful.

Writing Feedback / Guide to being Good and Religious Followers of God - Satirical Essay about Religion [3]


What does it mean... "to god"??
Maybe the word "to" should not be there.

to lose their faith in the higher power -- God.


OMG... that is weird.. well, if you cite him, you need to put his name. Otherwise, it weakens your argument. It's important to cite properly.

:-)

Okay... well, I don't think you went "too far" in your sarcasm, because your points are all valid. Even the most serious of Christians understand the issues you are mentioning, and yet they embrace the religion despite some dubious characteristics. However, I DO think you should try to simplify the beginning and the end of the essay so that there is no chance that the reader will misunderstand your sarcasm.

Graduate / "analytical and communication skills" - SOP for MA in Public Policy and Management [3]

...policies that promotes promote human development.

Very good, but now you need examples. It is very general to just say "promote human development." You should explain what you mean by that. You also should get prepared for this writing task by reading some excellent articles about public policy issues. If you put the necessary time into reading, you will write an SOP that reflects current, fresh knowledge about real-world issues and current events, etc.

Think of the advantage you will have if other applicants write in a vague way about abstract concepts but you write all about the real issues that are expounded in great, recent articles.

Make sure the essay haxs one big theme, one big message the reader will remember. :-)

Undergraduate / Passion of Fashion - I need an essay to be accepted at the Illinois Institute of ART [6]


Ah, this is a very important part.
Fatoumata, I think it seems like you already found some inspiration! I like this---> Passion for Fashion.
Clever!

So... what do you think is the most important thing you can do with your life? And what has that got to do with fashion? You need to explain something awesome to the reader. It does not have to be eloquent or perfect... but write some sentences that tell the reader what is important to you, what you will accomplish during your time at this school, and so forth. Cite an article or book about fashion... show them how serious you are!

Book Reports / How to write a limited literary analysis - A Thousand Splendid Suns LLA/ELA [2]

This kind of project is easy when you have a book as great as the one you chose! I hope you can enjoy writing it. See, it's just like when you have a conversation with friends... what might your smartest friends say about the plight of women in oppressive cultures? What might they say about the events that occur in this story?

Your job is to contribute something interesting to the conversation. It is easy to search google for: a thousand splendid suns analysis-----------and you will see what other people have observed. Make your own observations about it! You are smarter than those people, anyway.

Start by writing a sentence about some aspect of it.

:-)

Letters / Cover Letter - enthusiasm and creativity, architecture internship. [3]

Hi Andre and babybloom,
I want to mention that I like "excited" more than "writing in..."
When you say "I am excited" it makes the reader feel a little excited, too.

I definitely like "currently" more than "at the moment," though! Good idea, because at the moment is much too immediate.

My technical knowledge, conceptual and architectural skills, combined with my enthusiasm and creativity make me a "must have" intern. Moreover, I would be positive contribution to your organization due to my international experience and my global mindfulness. This is just a big claim. Claims are weak. SHOW the reader your creativity with an example of something you are doing or have done. SHOW your technical knowledge by mentioning what articles you have been reading recently. Transform this paragraph from a claim into examples. :-)

Book Reports / Character essay - on Ophelia from Hamlet [3]

Hey, I hope you had some success with this. I see that the deadline has passed...
Well, I'll mention that this sentence seems unnecessary: As a weak victimized woman, she carries out her role in this play. I think the thesis statement is complete without it.

typo?---> She had stayed away for Hamlet as her father had commanded.

Like many essays, this one has a clear thesis, but the thesis is not very important. It will become important if you dig a little deeper. Instead of just observing that she is a victim of circumstance or that she was weak, go a step further and draw a conclusion about human nature or about current events. Apply the lesson in some cool way.

So... those are my thoughts, for what they're worth. I think it is already looking pretty good!

Graduate / "To expand the horizon to Asian market" - MBA Application [8]


I understand what you mean, but sometimes it is okay to use a familiar expression. Still, it is true that the essay would be better if it was totally original. Anyway, if you are going to use it, do not capitalize the words:

When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going! T his is the saying...
When the going gets tough, the tough get going! This is the saying...


Very good! The most interesting part...

Okay, I guess this is my idea for you:
When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going! This is the saying that summarizes my entire journey from childhood till now. I always saw my mother struggling for existence being a single parent and trying to provide ------If you start with this sentence about your mother, it is unique and powerful.

That way, you'll reduce your word count and get rid of the common saying.
:-)

Research Papers / How to put lyrics into an Essay? [3]

Great question! Catalina's idea is a good one, and in fact I encourage you to write the paper and stop thinking about it for now. Just get your paper written. It is easy to write if you stay in that creative state of mind that makes the ideas flow from your mind.

When you finish, you can format it like this:
"Just one world that we all must share / not enough just to stand and stare" (author name).
A slash mark is used to separate the lines.

:-)

Essays / Persuasive essay about gaining weight in college. [4]


No need to stretch anything out. Just find 7 or 8 great articles to read.

Find the main idea of each article and write a paragraph or two about it. A 5 page paper might have about 15 paragraphs.
Search the school library database for terms like this:
"freshman fifteen", weight, gain...

If you find good articles, just enjoy them and look for the main idea. Build your paper from those ideas.

:-)

Essays / Ideas needed - Why is expanding professional networks and coalitions important? [8]

This will be an incomplete sentence if you do not take away some words:
As we can see that the majority of people searching for new jobs find the best positions through their network connections.

It is okay if you do this:
As w We can see that the majority of people...

You have a lot of good ideas. For every idea about why networking is important, give an example and a big of discussion. Write a whole paragraph for each idea. The first sentence of each paragraph can be a topic sentence that explains the idea. :-)

The Internet is all about networking. Globalization is all about networking. So... I guess it is the way of the 21st century...

Book Reports / "Why Harper Hee's 'To Kill a Mockingbird' is still valued in modern times" - feedback [2]

Hey, you write very well! I'm excited about your potential, and I think I know what you need to do next. You write clearly and give good examples, so now you need to sharpen the premise. Draw a deep meaning from all this. Right now, the essay has a lot of potential, but all that it amounts to is this assertion: The story is still valued in modern times.

But I want you to draw a better conclusion. Look at what made it so timelessly valuable, and ask yourself what that means about human nature. Why is something like this always going to be valuable?

Try to make it so that you are making a point that is more meaningful than: "these things make it timelessly valuable." You can uncover a very meaningful truth if you ask yourself "why?"

Even though I am giving you that idea, the truth is that this is a solid academic essay already -- high quality stuff!

***Whenever you give a direct quote, put the page number where you found the quote in parentheses at the end of the sentence:
vicious, savage beast who "dined on raw squirrels and any cats he could catch" (83), throughout the novel it is suggested...

:-)

Writing Feedback / Ielts essay: how does technology impact on the way we interact? [2]

I think we are using ALOUD the wrong way here.
Today, many people aloud enjoy the convenience and time-efficiency brought by modern technologies when they interact with each other, while others are concerned about the negative impacts of technological advancement on our life lives.

The word ALOUD is different. Use it like this:
"The student read a paragraph aloud while we listened."

Plural: Modern technologies ...have...
It is an indisputable fact that the modern technologies, especially the invention of the Internet, have revolutionized ...

No need for the hyphen:
on-line online

:-)

Research Papers / Clarity, Conciseness, Completeness, Correctness Research Topic - what to say, how to express ideas? [7]


Isai, welcome to EssayForum! I googled around but did not find the 4cs. Will you list them or explain them somehow?

If you tell me what the 4cs are, I'll try to help you get started! :-)
Is there a book or article you can recommend to help me understand?

Scholarship / How can I link my experience as a teacher and an NGO worker to development studies? [6]

Great ideas, babybloom!
I'll add that it is important here to open your mind to all that Development Studies/International Development comprises. This is not just an essay; it's the direction you are choosing for your life, as you apply your existing skills to this field of work. So, how do you fit into this field?

You can describe a scenario where someone with your unique blend of skills plays a key role in an international humanitarian effort or innovation. Look into CASE STUDIES in the fields of Development Studies/International Development, and see where someone with your skills fits into each case.

You need raw material to write with. I think that is going to have be a case study, so search your school library database or Google Scholar for:

"case study", "Development Studies"
or
"International Development" "case study"

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS:how tourism influence both country and person?(argument) [3]

The table gives information about the percentage of pupils who enrolled in higher education from selected schools, namely ...

...Royston Academy,Greystone High school,Harble Secondary School,fairfield Girls school, and Crackened Boys School from 1995 to 2000.----I made small changes here and also added a period at the end.

Capitalize all words in the name of the school: Greystone High School, Grestone School

Eventually, Harble Secondary School showed...

... the highest percentage in 2000;that was around 80 percent, while the Greystine High school was showing a gradual decrease in its percentage.

:-)

Graduate / "leveraging my existing knowledge and experience" SOP for MS in Technology Management [5]

That first paragraph... I don't know how I feel about it. I think it is well written, but the point you are making is rather obvious. I think it is worth a single sentence, not a whole paragraph. I guess I think that paragraph should be condensed into a single sentence about the importance of closing that gap. Everyone already knows the importance of technical management & projects.

Don't say DONE BY ME. Do it this way:
...was the first experiment I completed in my first year as an undergraduate using...

During my first year as a freshman, I had spent

In this period, I have earned very good technical knowledge and was promoted...

After having done a research on my various options, studying your website, and consulting my supervisors, I find that ..--Oh, very good. I think this is going to be a successful essay!

:-)

Essays / Comparing two writers / literary works: How to start a Comparison and Contrast Essay? [4]

Hi Diana, welcome to EssayForum!
I am not familiar with the one by Sparks, but I think you should search google for these terms: message in a bottle, sparks, analysis, themes

If you search for those terms, you will find some articles that tell you several major points about the theme of the story. Collect those themes. Compare them to the themes from Romeo and Juliet.

It will be easy, because you only need to collect 4 or 5 points about each story. Then, write about the similarities and differences.

:-)

Letters / "a letter to the hotel making the arrangements and reservation" - my formal letter [7]

I am writing this letter to appreciate your amazing photos and all that you did for me during the last holiday.

First of all, sorry for my delay. I had to write should have written this letter 10 days ago.

This is very good! Maybe you spent a little too much time explaining why it took so long to respond, but... that is no big deal. You wrote this in a very accurate and eloquent way.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Without the sign of prejudice" - past criminal record issue [4]


Let's do it this way: Criminal offenses are usually portrayed as serious issues in most parts of the world.--I think it makes more sense this way.

Grammar problem: An offender... is.
Many offenders... are
An offender that is brought upon in the court due to criminal offences, are is asking for an equal trial, but some offenders are taking advantage of the system since there is no past record made available to the jury .

THIS INFORMATION
Without this information, repeated crimes are not made known to the jury, and offenders do not have the guilty feeling from the offences they have committed, which is detrimental to the victim itself as well as the victims family members.

If the jury is acting or showing...
... hint that a jury is acting differently or showing signs of prejudice.

:-)

Essays / How to describe physical appearance. [3]

Wow!! This is pretty interesting. So... you have 30 and now are stuck...

I googled this: adjectives to describe physical appearance

Try googling that and see if the results help you get through this. I bet they will! There are a lot of good results.

Research Papers / Having trouble starting off my research paper about "Superheroes" [9]

Hey, try gogling this:
Joseph Campbell heroes archetypes

If you look into the archetype heroes as described in the work of Campbell, I think it will make a great paper.
Also, try searching for professional journal articles with these terms:"literature review" campbell, archetype

:-)

That might be the way to find meaningful sources. You can show that heroes reflect the aspects of the collective human personality.

Undergraduate / "the pleasure of teaching Qinran" -Penn reference written by my AP chem teacher [3]

Yes, for sure! Very impressive. Why do you hesitate to use it? It sounds like you really earned a great recommendation, and based on that performance I bet all your other teachers would love to recommend you as well.

:-)

Maybe this should be a bulleted list:
- Qinran is an extremely responsible and hard-working young man. Throughout his...
- Qinran always seeks out answers to his questions and never lets any concept get ...
- Qinran's academic accomplishments speak for themselves. It is impressive that he ...
- Qinran's true nature shines in his selfless devotion to his community and the ...
- Qinran has a very ...

Good luck, Qinran!

Writing Feedback / Television has had a mostly negative effect on society. [5]

Well, you lose credibility if you fail to acknowledge some of the positive effects. For example, television can help people to know what is going on in the world, help children learn to read, and help spread awareness in the case of an emergency. Acknowledge all these, but then show that they are not as significant as the negative effects.

It is looking good!