Writing Feedback / Similarities of Love and Jealousy in today's society - Dreaded Shakespear [42]

Well, I personally was simply pointing out that you were assuming that jealousy is an indicator of love, as opposed to an indicator of a degenerate need to possess and control other people. I disagree. I do not believe that jealousy in any way signifies love. But, certainly, Othello offers a wealth of opportunities to argue that in the play jealousy and love are treated as if synonymous. One could also argue that the play's tragedy resides in this confusion of terms.

Writing Feedback / CBEST: the most important trait a teacher can have is self-acceptance! [9]

Here, we have a very common logical error. The question states that self-acceptance helps teachers to relate better to students, etc. You assumed that this means that teachers who relate well to students necessarily have self-acceptance.

But consider: Using flashcards helps to build vocabulary. Flora has an excellent vocabulary. Therefore, Flora has used flashcards.

Not true! There are lots of other ways to build vocabulary. Similarly, there are many, many factors that facilitate good relations between teachers and students. Self-acceptance may be one of them, but being able to relate well to students does not, in fact, demonstrate that a teacher has self-acceptance.

Writing Feedback / Should parents be held responsible for acts of vandalism committed by their children? [17]

Since Sean's on content, I'll focus on grammar and punctuation.

The Vandalism

Damages to properties could be stopped or reduced, if parents are obliged to pay for repair damages done by their children do .

-or-

Damages to properties could be stopped or reduced, if parents are obliged to pay to repair damages done by their children do .

TheCleaning up vandalism on private and public properties costs money, and someone must pay for that.

We just got out of the first paragraph, and already we can see that you need to keep studying (a) articles, and (b) prepositions. Don't despair! These details are always very difficult to get right, as they vary considerably from language to language. Besides studying the rules, read as much as you can, so that the use of articles in particular will come more naturally to you.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays people care more about their appearance more than before. Do you agree? [11]

I hear you, but I don't think ETS expects Vietnamese test takers (for example) to be familiar with cultural changes within the United States at the level of detail necessary to answer such a question. People are, however, aware of cultural changes within their own countries and in the world in general. So, as a reader, I would assume the person is talking about the world in general or his or her own country.

Our differing perceptions here demonstrate the truth of the one thing we are almost always unified in saying: Be specific! As long as the person specifies the time frame and place s/he is writing about, the essay can correctly answer the prompt without confusion to the reader.

Writing Feedback / Similarities of Love and Jealousy in today's society - Dreaded Shakespear [42]

So often, especially but not only within abusive relationships, jealousy is assumed to be an indicator of love. Is it, really? Are love and the wish to possess synonymous?

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Serious movies or entertaining movies? Which is better? [9]


This conversation has really got me wondering whether teachers at the secondary level really have quit teaching thesis-antithesis-synthesis, if so when, and if so why.

I was taught thesis-antithesis-synthesis in secondary school, but that was in the 1970s. Forum users who have been in school more recently, tell us: Were you taught this method of essay organization?

Letters / I want to attend construction managment [5]

Your CV will have to be truthful and verifiable. Therefore, tell us the skills and experience you have, and then we can help you to present this in a way that will maximize your chances of being accepted into a construction management program.

Essays / Where to learn bhangra dance - my topic [7]


I know a little about that dance and am even more eager to read an essay on the subject.

Undergraduate / (cheerleading labour) - PENN STATE PERSONAL STATEMENT [6]

Good. Now you need a much stronger opening statement.

Graduate / SOP for PhD in mechanical/industrial engineering [14]

Ah, yes, I see. Coming at the end of your penultimate paragraph, it's easy to miss. I'd highlight it a bit, either by moving the two sentences that state your specific research interests and mention the professor into their own paragraph or by beginning the paragraph they are in with a topic sentence that mentions the professor and/or your eagerness to join his research team.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays people care more about their appearance more than before. Do you agree? [11]


Hmm... I agree that there may be a presumption that recent changes are under discussion but, especially in an IELTS or TOEFL essay, I wouldn't assume that North America is the place under discussion.

Undergraduate / (cheerleading labour) - PENN STATE PERSONAL STATEMENT [6]

I felt devastated and presumed that
my cheerleading career had some to an end.

I vowed to work to strengthen my back, and hoped to be
able to compete by April 2009 at The Cheerleading Worlds, in
Florida.

I expressed my dedication to my team by attending every
practice to cheer them on and further unite with my
teammates.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: International Tourism - TENSION or UNDERSTANDING? [11]

Again, the key is to brainstorm your arguments before you begin to write. Just spend a moment brainstorming until you have enough arguments. Then sketch an outline of the order in which you will present them. Then begin to write.

Essays / Essay on myself, how to write it? [35]

I'd like the forum members to come up with their own ideas, though I'm not averse to throwing out a challenge myself, if none are forthcoming.

Writing Feedback / CBEST: the most important trait a teacher can have is self-acceptance! [9]

Sean, you've put your finger on what's been bothering me about this essay all along.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Serious movies or entertaining movies? Which is better? [9]


What Sean means here is:

Thesis: One position
Antithesis: The opposite position
Synthesis: A viewpoint that incorporates or reconciles the two positions

To write a five paragraph essay using this structure, rather than the three arguments in favor of a single position structure, you would an overview of thesis, antithesis, and synthesis in your introduction and then devote a paragraph to each, again providing support in the form of logic or examples, before coming to a conclusion that clearly states that these two positions can be reconciled and, thus, need not be seen as opposing one another.

I. "Some people prefer entertaining movies; others argue that serious movies are more worthwhile; I believe that the best movies raise serious issues while still being entertaining."

II. Arguments in favor of entertaining movies
III. Arguments in favor of serious movies
IV. Examples of movies that are both; argument that these are the best movies.
V. There's no need to choose between entertaining and serious movies. Entertaining yet serious movies are the best of both worlds.

And, yes, Sean... they do seem to have stopped teaching this, at least at the basic composition level. I don't know why. In addition to being an excellent way to structure and essay, this way of writing fosters synthetic thinking, which is critical to democratic problem solving in a polarized world.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL : young people should have the ability to plan and organize. [6]

"The more complex the society becomes , the more necessary it becomes to be able to plan and organize is ."

This is a key aspect of your argument and you return to it in your conclusion. But you simply assert rather than explain this. Why does increasing complexity lead to the need for better planning and organization?

"H owever, I strongly believe that planning and organizing are crucial components of success in the complex society for two reasons: to use time efficiently and to completethe projects successfully."

Here, you begin to explain what you mean. Also, this is the idea you ought to have re-asserted in your conclusion. In my corrections, you can see a couple of my key critiques: Be sure to capitalize at the beginning of each sentence, and be sure to use punctuation marks properly.

Writing Feedback / Ielts : working children; Good or bad? [6]



I've seen real improvement from both of you! I'm not going to critque these essays, because you need to get your sleep, rather than worrying over past essays, before taking the test.

Orlando, remember the tips for calmness and self-confidence. Trangquynh, keep your sentences as short and simple as possible. Good luck to both of you and please let us know how it goes!

Writing Feedback / Similarities of Love and Jealousy in today's society - Dreaded Shakespear [42]


What? Are Brits now famous for starting with quotes? That's a new one on me. I'm from the States. Sean, you're in Canada, yes? Is starting with quotes prohibited there?

Writing Feedback / GMAT issue essay - censorship of television programmes [9]


One need not have specialized knowledge, only the most cursory awareness of current events and history, to know that government censorship of media has been and continues to be used to suppress democracy in numerous countries. It would signal lack of analytic ability to fail to mention this when arguing for government censorship of television.

Writing Feedback / Similarities of Love and Jealousy in today's society - Dreaded Shakespear [42]


This empty statement should be replaced by a vivid and engaging introduction.


Here, the word "yet" is out of place. "Yet" suggests that what is to come contradicts in some way what has just been said. But "unique" and "each time the experience is different" mean essentially the same thing.


This should maybe be your first sentence, if you can't think of an example or quotation that would be more engaging.

Dissertations / Business Management / Databases topics [15]

1. Talk with your advisor and/or the faculty member who will serve as your dissertation committee chair. She or he will have a good idea of your capabilities and of the kind of topic that will be received favorably by your university.

2. Read, read, read. Look at the most recent issues of the scholarly journals in your field as well as any recent books in the field. Pay particular attention to the "discussion" and "conclusion" sections of journal articles, as these often include the author's assessment of the need for future research. Often, scholarly authors will specifically say that a particular topic needs to be researched or that a particular study needs to be replicated or done in a different way. Also look for recent review articles that summarize recent research in your field, again looking for hints as to what still remains to be learned.

Speeches / Introductory speech about myself, my family, my job [16]


I'm glad you didn't give in to that impulse!

Essays / Essay on myself, how to write it? [35]

Any member who would like to do so is welcome to start a thread with a challenge essay for other users to write. It might be both fun and instructive to see what different forum members write in response to the same prompt.

Undergraduate / 'in disbelief and shock after our win' - University of Florida essay [24]

Hmmm, yes, or even just a visual description of the robot itself would help.

Undergraduate / Medical Secondary [26]

I was assuming that this is the nature of that particular program. If so, then you can assume the readers know the nature of their own program, but if not, you will have to take Sean's advice.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays people care more about their appearance more than before. Do you agree? [11]


And, again, specifying the time frame is essential. Are you comparing now with 100 years ago or with paleolithic times?

Undergraduate / Capital Punishment (the death penalty) Essay. Should be allowed or not? [11]


Yes, that is the right word.

Writing Feedback / GMAT issue essay - censorship of television programmes [9]


You've not done that. You argue for government censorship of television without once addressing the political impact of censorship of news programs or of the themes of entertainment programs.

Graduate / SOP for PhD in mechanical/industrial engineering [14]

In your final paragraph, you might want to mention how your research/goals will fit into those of the specific PhD program to which you are applying. If there are professors or research teams at the University with whom you would like to work, say so. At the PhD level, schools are selecting among qualified applicants and often make their final decision on the basis of the "match" between the student and the research interests of the tenured faculty.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: International Tourism - TENSION or UNDERSTANDING? [11]


In writing these simple English proficiency essays, I do think it's a good idea to stick with one side of the question and argue it well. If you do raise the alternative opinion (perhaps because your own opinion is mixed), do this in the fourth paragraph, after making two good arguments in favor of the main opinion and also be sure, in your introduction and conclusion to use a thesis statement that reflects your mixed opinion.

Essays / American Literature Thesis [6]

Are you supposed to draw on literature that you've read in the course? If so, it would help us to know what your professor has had you read.

Also, it would be good to know your own interests. The topic is so wide open that who you are will make a big difference in what you would like to write about. Do you believe in the American Dream or do you feel it to be more of a nightmare? Have you or your ancestors come from another country and done well, in which case you might want to focus on immigrant literature, or were your ancestors among those who were displaced by the European conquest of the Americas, in which case you might want to focus on Native American responses to American Dream literature? Do you see the election of Barack Obama as proof of the reality of the American Dream, in which case you could focus on literature with a civil rights theme? Do you feel alienated from American culture, in which case you might want to focus on literature that portrays America as a dystopia in which citizens are seduced into compliance with consumerism by an illusory dream?

You can see by the range of these examples why we need to know more about you and the books you have read for the course before we can offer concrete suggestions.

Also, please tell us the topics you have considered and rejected, as we may be able to work one of them into something you could use.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Serious movies or entertaining movies? Which is better? [9]


Actually, I like your second argument. It's original and plausible.


I think what you have so far is plausible. A third argument might be that the distinction between serious and entertaining films is false. Many of the best serious films, like much of the best serious literature, are also entertaining. Also, comedies can address serious issues, sometimes more effectively than tragedies. When people are laughing, they are less defensive and perhaps more open to new ideas.

This argument would give you the opportunity to mention a couple of entertaining movies that address important social issues. I'm sure you can think of a few.


I notice a tendency toward wordiness, perhaps because you are trying to write formally or worried about having enough words in your essays. For example:


In relation to this phenomenon, the question has been arisen as toSome people ask whether it is better to watch serious movies that are designed to make you think than to watch movies that are primarily designedintended to amuse or entertain.

Writing Feedback / Should parents be held responsible for acts of vandalism committed by their children? [17]


Yes, "at" is the proper preposition and a preposition is required. "In the home" would also be acceptable.

Writing Feedback / "The Attitude of Success!" - CBEST: successful person essay! [14]

I have to disagree with Sean about the third paragraph. While more details are always nice, it seems clear to this reader that his attitude of arrogance and superiority, as expressed in conversation with you (rather than as expressed by selling perfume) was what shocked you. Also, I think that we all know how people pretend not to recognize one another. Again, details would make it stronger as a piece of creative writing but the CBEST is looking for you to simply demonstrate competence in English. So, you really need to make sure your grammar is clean more than you need to worry about vivid writing. I'd avoid dialogue, as that opens the door for punctuation errors.

So, looking at that paragraph, I see:

One day I met him in a mall, where he was was promoting a new perfume.

But, Tim spent money for useless things that, in his mind, made him unique.

Writing Feedback / Should parents be held responsible for acts of vandalism committed by their children? [17]

I notice that you sometimes end your paragraphs with your strongest sentence and that, sometimes, that sentence would be better placed as the first sentence of the paragraph. For example, "Vandalized public places offers unsafe and people will avoid" should be rewritten as "Vandalized public places seems unsafe, and people will avoid them " and then moved to the beginning of the paragraph.

Similarly, "The first place where children should be educated is at home, and the parents are their first teachers" should be moved to the beginning of its paragraph.

I like the points that you make about the damage done by vandalism. Your examples of this are very good. But these examples do not go to the question of whether parents should pay and if this would reduce vandalism.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays people care more about their appearance more than before. Do you agree? [11]

Focusing on content, since Liebe has covered grammar so thoroughly, I notice first that much of your essay concerns the question of whether it is good to care about your appearance. As Liebe noted, you present both sides of that question in a not particularly well organized fashion. But what I notice is that is not the question. The question is whether people care about their appearance more than before. You begin by asserting that they do, but do not offer much evidence to support that contention.

What is the time frame you are using? What part of the world are you discussing? In Europe, for example, it might be argued that upper class people in the days of powdered wigs for men and extravagant dresses for women cared more about their appearance than people of a similar social class today. On the other hand, again in that region, it's likely that poor and working class people expend more energy on personal appearance than they did in those days. In other regions, the pattern is different.

So, I would say, as we so often do on this forum: Be more specific! Stay with your own country, since you probably know the most about its history and the evolution of cultural values such as concern for appearance. If you want to argue that people do care more about their appearance now than before, be clear what you mean by "before" and give evidence to support your arguments. Save your thoughts about whether or not caring about your appearance is a good thing for your conclusion.

Undergraduate / Medical Secondary [26]

I grew up in a rural village myself, and therefore, I have experienced first-hand the lack of comprehensive health care that often exists in remote areas.

I'm very excited by the prospect...

Writing Feedback / "poor countries in the world" - wealthy nations to be required to share their wealth? [12]

Your grammar needs work in order to improve to the level of an academic essay. Use online tests and exercises such as those on the Purdue Owl website to improve your grammar. Also try to notice any patterns in the corrections that forum moderators and contributors make to your essays and then be sure to study those areas.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: International Tourism - TENSION or UNDERSTANDING? [11]

There is an undeniable increase in international tourism because travelling is not as expensive as it used to be when it is compared to the past .

That last phrase is redundant, which is why I struck it.

Tourism t hereby has become an effective connection between different people and cultures instead of a limited number of exceptional events which creates tension between people.

I don't understand the part in italics.

Your second paragraph is strong, the third less so. Obviously, it would have been good if you could have remembered which country in which the incident occurred.

Overall, the essay is somewhat too slight. Perhaps, in addition to referring to that one incident, you could have stated some other ways that tourism can lead to trouble. For example, local people often resent tourists who trample their ecosystems and stare at them like curiosities rather than making a genuine effort to connect. You might wonder if, in the context of tourism as it is usually practiced, it really is possible for people to connect.