Writing Feedback / "poor countries in the world" - wealthy nations to be required to share their wealth? [12]


You're exactly right. Anxiety tends to clutter and confuse the mind. So, perhaps you need to take some stress-relief steps before and during the testing process. Before, be sure to get enough sleep and eat well. Visualize yourself writing a successful essay. Approaching the test, breathe deeply and tell yourself, "I can do this. I am well-prepared. & etc." After reading the test question, again breathe deeply, perhaps even stretching your muscles to relax them, and again say to yourself, "I can do this." Then get to work. If at any point you start to feel confused, with too many ideas crashing together in your head, again stop and breathe and tell yourself "I can do this."

Writing Feedback / CBEST: the most important trait a teacher can have is self-acceptance! [9]

Moreover, a teacher is the one who shapes the students and can change their life forever.

Letters / Invitation letter for visa - British Embassy in Cameron. Can you check grammar and spelling mistakes [3]

"Mr. Serg and Mrs Rosa Domingos Marcial Manuel are both Angolan citizens with diplomatic passports ; they are going to arrive in the UK on the 19th of August 2009 and they will be staying for one week."

Writing Feedback / "The Attitude of Success!" - CBEST: successful person essay! [14]

I really like the specificity of this essay. It's very different than the usual "successful person" essay, which lauds the person in question. I do agree with Sean that, if you could perhaps remember exactly what Tim said or how he expressed his new attitude when you met in the mall, that would add more life to the second half of the essay.

Writing Feedback / Corporate Case Study, XXX-Car [5]


Right. I notice that the question refers to your own reading as well as course materials, so clearly the instructor is expecting you to do some research.

Writing Feedback / 'minimum obligations' [TOEFL] Who enjoyed/enjoy life better? Older or Young? [6]

You're welcome! That's what we're here for. Don't forget to pitch in, as Liebe does so reliably, to help out other forum members. And no, it's never too late to improve one's writing! Reading and commenting on others' essays is one of the best ways to do that.

Writing Feedback / "poor countries in the world" - wealthy nations to be required to share their wealth? [12]

In addition to being specific, it's important to be realistic. If, for example, you've already gone into some detail concerning disease, hunger, and lack of an education infrastructure in a given country, to then simply go on to say that the country should find some way to solve the problems itself is not enough. If the children aren't in school and are too malnourished to learn anyway, and a significant proportion of adults are incapable of productive labor because of disease, then how -- exactly -- shall the country go about solving these problems without outside aid?

Writing Feedback / True Friendship Essay (living without friends) [12]

Yes, I like your new introduction very much. You explain what you mean clearly and your tone is very sincere. I like the distinction between friendship as action and friendship as a state of mind, and I agree with you about that.

It would be a lonely and boring life without friends .

True friendship comes from someone who is always by our side.

However, different life experiences lead to different meanings of friendship for different people.

A true friend can support us while we are on the right path and can have the courage to stand in front of us when we are headed in the wrong direction .

Writing Feedback / 1st essay in 13 years. Disadvantages that working mothers give to their children [12]

The problem is that this is a politically fraught topic, and one that has been deployed in hurtful ways. In the past, and still, unfounded assertions that working outside the home hurts children have been used to emotionally terrorize mothers into staying out of the public sphere and, therefore, under the control of the men on whom they must necessarily depend for economic support. (Anybody who's ever worked at a domestic violence shelter or hotline knows how often "you're hurting the kids" is used by batterers to keep their victims under control.) In my view, the knowledge that such arguments have been and are still deployed oppressively means that one is ethically obliged to be especially careful when arguing that working outside the home has hurtful effects on children. One must be sure that the facts really do support the argument and also take care to acknowledge any ambiguity in findings that seem to support the argument. For example, if one study shows one negative effect on one group of children, and it turns out that the mothers in question didn't have access to daycare, then it would be important not to generalize that to a blanket statement that children are disadvantaged when their mothers work outside the home.

Essays / From Kyrgyzstan to Oxford [23]

Watch out for articles:

Kyrgyzstan is in sore need of political reforms and a good president.

I am an emerging leader...

You say, "Charisma, willingness and self confidence made me the head of my faculty at Kyrgyz Economic University."

"Faculty" usually refers to teachers, not students.

Undergraduate / 'in disbelief and shock after our win' - University of Florida essay [24]

Don't feel lost! Your essay is very good already. All you have to add is what you specifically hope to do in the future. What's your dream job? What to you aspire to accomplish? Remember, you're not locked into this; you just have to say what you hope for right now.

Writing Feedback / Ielts essay. Working women and children [8]


When you take the essay, remember that the focus is on your writing. You do want your arguments to be sound and to be supported by logic and examples, but your arguments need not be complex or comprehensive. You simply need to introduce your subject and state your thesis clearly in the first paragraph, write three body paragraphs in which an argument is offered in the topic sentence and logic or an example is offered to support the argument, and conclude with a paragraph that restates your thesis and summarizes your arguments along with a closing thought. Don't get tangled up in trying to argue all sides of a question or make all of the arguments that could be made in support of your position. Come up with a thesis. Come up with three arguments. Come up with support for each of those arguments. Write!

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] The number of cars will increase in the future [6]

First, your questions:


the number of cars


an increase in


That's very common! Stick with it, and read as much English as you can so that the difference will start to sound normal to you.


Not necessarily. At present, hybrid vehicles, which are extremely fuel-efficient, are extremely expensive. You could argue, however, that the combination of advances in hybrid technology and economies of scale gained as demand for these cars increases will, over time, lead them to be less expensive and thereby more cost-effective.

Now, let's look at grammar.

You write:Cars have been perceived as one of the greatest human inventions for its convinence and far traveling distances.
Notice that "cars" -- which is plural -- is the subject of the sentence. But then you use the pronoun "it" to stand in for the subject later in the sentence. This creates a mismatch. Instead, say:Cars have been perceived as one of the greatest human inventions for theirconvenience and ability to travel far distances.

Writing Feedback / increase minimum wage [3]

"For economic reasons,C ritics claim that increases to the minimum wage due to increase costs for firms, increase unemployment, and claiming that minimum wage laws do not help the poor and unskilled labourers ."

This is an example of the kind of revision you need to make throughout the essay, tightening up your sentences and making sure that the items in lists all agree with one another in form.

"Although New Brunswick is havinghas the same minimum wage rate as British Columbia, they are changing their minimum hourly wage to $8.25 on September 1, 2009 (cbcnews.ca)."

You also have to watch out for a tendency to use compound rather than simple verb forms.

Writing Feedback / Media in the Courtroom [3]


This essay is very disorganized. This sentence, for example, appears in the middle but ought to be in the introduction. I also notice a lot of repetition. Revise for organization, omitting any repeated statements, and then repost for more detailed feedback.

Writing Feedback / The eating habits and lifestyle of children in different countries/generations. [10]


Other than using numerals rather than number words, your essay was not too informal. Just remember to use the word rather than the numeral for numbers under twenty and any number that can be expressed in a word or two. Use "one hundred" but 137 and "two million" but 2,975,000.

Essays / Essay on myself, how to write it? [35]

The best writing teachers use the workshop method, where students learn from critiquing each other's work. And, as Sean said, if you don't feel confident making a criticism, you can say what you especially liked about a piece and what might make it even better.

Scholarship / What should I do with the opening? (applying for a scholarship) [7]

Post your essay here for feedback.

Writing Feedback / 'minimum obligations' [TOEFL] Who enjoyed/enjoy life better? Older or Young? [6]

Since Liebe handled grammar so adeptly, I'll handle your questions.


Yes, this is a problem for many learners of English. The only solutions are to (a) study the section on articles in your learning materials and also any online resources you can find; and (b) keep reading in English as much as possible so that, over time, the proper use of articles will come naturally to you.


It's good that you see this and want to improve it. The strongest writing uses active verbs in a constellation of sentence structures. However, for the TOEFL, it is okay if you start sentences in these ways, so long as you do so correctly.


Writing in the real world, you may wish to use a diversity of strategies to conclude your essays. However, for the TOEFL you should stick to the formula of restating your thesis, summarizing your arguments, and closing with a memorable final thought.

Writing Feedback / The eating habits and lifestyle of children in different countries/generations. [10]

I think you did a good job in the limited time you had. I liked your argument and your example of the documentary Supersize Me. For additional examples, you might have listed the number of fast food outlets you encounter in your daily life, especially if this is more than were there when you were younger. As Liebe said, you could also specify the kind of homemade food you ate at home.

You mention that you forgot to include lifestyle. One way to avoid forgetting something is to brainstorm and then sketch out a very quick outline after reading the question but before beginning to write.

One lifestyle issue that interacts with fast food is that most fast food outlets are associated with multinational corporations and sell American food. When people in other countries eat at McDonalds or KFC, they are not only consuming unhealthy food but also abandoning the traditional foods of their countries. Because food and culture are so deeply linked, many believe fast food to be dangerous to cultural diversity.

Writing Feedback / CBEST: the most important trait a teacher can have is self-acceptance! [9]

Be careful: You use the exact words of the prompt in your first paragraph. You need to put everything into your own words.

This essay is strong, with good examples, but sometimes wordy and repetitive. Also, I notice that it lacks a conclusion. Before adding a conclusion, go through and ruthlessly eliminate unneeded words and phrases.

Book Reports / The Mexican by Jack London :" the effect Rivera's traumatic chilhood"? [6]

You might want to Google "Jack London" and "The Mexican" (in quotes, just like that) and read the commentaries on the story that come up. That might help you to better understand it.

Then, keeping your teacher's question in mind, reread the story paying very close attention to the character of Rivera, his actions, and his history. Then, before worrying about writing, ask yourself, "How would I explain this person's actions to a friend if I were telling them about him?"

Book Reports / The Mexican by Jack London :" the effect Rivera's traumatic chilhood"? [6]

What made you choose that topic? What will your thesis be? What evidence do you see for it in the story? I hope that by asking us to help with "main character," you are not indicating that you've not yet read the story, in which Rivera is obviously the main character. You will have to read and reread the story to write a credible essay about it.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: Museums as a form of entertainment or education? [4]

Good job! You are taking the test soon, yes? I think you will pass.

You don't need the "however" in your last sentence, as it in no way contradicts the sentence it follows.

I don't see any glaring errors, although there is room for improvement. I'll let others get good practice by making suggestions.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; SHARE WEALTH AMONG POORER NATIONS [12]

trangquynh, thank you for sharing this good advice rooted in your own experience with IELTS essays.

Undergraduate / 'in disbelief and shock after our win' - University of Florida essay [24]

Good job revising your verb tenses!

I like the content of your closing paragraph, but I see a problem in the phrasing of your last sentence. An "analyzing mind" is not a "type of behavior."

Writing Feedback / Too much rules are useful or not? [6]

Oh yes, from what I understand, Persian is more ornate.


Some rules originated in tribes and then extended to bigger societies, such as countries.


Some rules spread to all countries and are now accepted by all nations as international law.

Undergraduate / Undergraduate Review, "Newton" (Rutgers University) [7]


It's good to include something to this effect. The problem was that, as you phrased it initially, you were saying that the school stimulates diversity in the wider world. The only way for that to be true would be if the school is directly responsible for provoking procreation or immigration.

Say what you have to say simply. The diversity of the university reflects the diversity of the wider world. This will help students prepare for their personal and professional lives in the wider world.

Scholarship / What should I do with the opening? (applying for a scholarship) [7]

Direct, concise, active sentences are the most powerful.

But this is all, as you say, theory. We need to actually see what you've written to know if your writing is simple (good) or simplistic (bad).

Graduate / SOP for PhD in mechanical/industrial engineering [14]

The SOP must be concise and it is okay for it to be two pages. In other words, two pages is fine if and only if that's how long you need to say what you want to say in direct, concise prose. If, on the other hand, you sprawl onto a second page not due to a plenitude of content but because your paragraphs are full of empty phrases, wordy sentences, and filler, that is not okay.

Scholarship / What should I do with the opening? (applying for a scholarship) [7]


Me too! If only it were so simple!

Listen: You can't choose between long or short sentence or make any other stylistic decisions until you have determined what you are going to say. Certainly, starting with a story is often an excellent idea, in which case you can lead with a vivid image or a bit of dialogue to draw the reader in.

Writing Feedback / Corporate Case Study, XXX-Car [5]


This sentence should be your guide. Make up a checklist to make sure all of this is covered. Your teacher wants you to demonstrate your knowledge of the concepts s/he has taught by applying them to this case. Jot down the key course ideas that apply to this case and make sure you include them. These should include corporate, business, and functional strategies as these have been defined and categorized by your instructor. Your answer should address both domestic and global competitiveness and must have both immediate and long term effects.

These headers, then, should probably be somewhere in your answer: corporate strategies, business strategies, functional strategies, domestic competitiveness, global competitiveness, immediate effects, long term effects.

Writing Feedback / Prescribed drugs and its various effects on the body and mind [8]

Contradictorily, some of these drugs produce undesirable adverse effects that may affect negatively andeach person differently each person .

In the medical field, such side effects are also known as adverse drug reactions (ADRs) .

Always spell out first, rather than use the acronym first. Also, note that no apostrophe is used when making the acronym plural.

Undergraduate / 'in disbelief and shock after our win' - University of Florida essay [24]

I like the introduction, which sets up the reader to think you are talking about sports only to reveal that you are talking about tech.

Now, listen up, because I don't want this overall comment to get lost amid the many specific fixes Liebe has recommended: You must keep your verb tense consistent. At present, you go back and forth between past and present tense erratically. While some writers use present tense while writing of the past to create a more dramatic sense of immediacy, this is difficult to do correctly and you should not try it here. Use past tense for the past and present tense for the present.

Writing Feedback / Too much rules are useful or not? [6]


This isn't quite true. As social animals, people have always lived in groups. While those groups probably always had norms or implicit rules of some sort, laws legislated by governments are a relatively recent development in the history of our species.

Nonetheless, I think what you mean to say here is:
Ever since people formed societies to live more comfortably together, they have legislated laws.

Going on...
The rules that they have to be accepted by all and be respectful to everybody .


I like the idea that you are expressing here, but the sentence is so long and jumbled that I cannot correct it without rewriting it completely. You should be the one to rewrite it, by breaking it into several short, simple sentences.

Indeed, I would like you to do that for the whole essay. Rewrite, concentrating on writing short, simple sentences that you feel confident are grammatically correct. This can be hard to do for those who are used to expressing themselves in long, complex sentences in their first language. The key is to break each thought down into its component ideas in the same way that an argument is broken down into a syllogism. Besides reducing the risk of grammatical error, this exercise can aid in strengthening logical thinking.

Writing Feedback / Leaders in my life (16 years so far) [8]

That's good advice, Ahmad.

Essays / Would you risk fraud conviction... to feed your children? Essay [7]

It all depends on the article and the assignment. If If the author is simply explaining why impoverished women sometimes feel compelled to commit fraud and asking the reader, "what would you do?" then your job is to answer that question.

If, however, the author actually takes the position that fraud is sometimes justified by this particular set of extenuating circumstances, then your job (as you have begun to do) is to argue for or against that thesis. The idea that the fraud is justified would be based on a variation of the necessity defense in law. People may sometimes commit acts that would be illegal otherwise if compelled by necessity to do so, with the most common example being breaking down a door in order to save someone from a fire.

You seem to be arguing that the necessity defense does not apply here because there are other options. If that is your thesis, then you need to state it clearly and then support it with evidence of those other options.

Essays / Four essay topics: dream, families, future career, island [6]

Well, what do you want to do for work in your life? How might this be affected by Euro integration?

Essays / Would you risk fraud conviction... to feed your children? Essay [7]

What is Rebick's position? You say that she asks the question, not that she gives an answer. What is her answer? Do you agree or disagree? Why? Once you have your arguments for or against, you can look for supporting evidence.

Essays / Four essay topics: dream, families, future career, island [6]

Do you have to write all four? Or can you choose just one?

Either way, the first thing to do is to identify what you want to say. For "I have a dream," you could talk about your own dreams or, I suppose, Martin Luther King, Jr.'s "I have a dream" speech and what it means to you. If you were to write about "families now and in the past," you would start by listing what you think are the differences, if any, between families now and in the past.

Only after you had decided on what you will say can you begin to organize your ideas into some logical order and come up with a thesis statement that states your main point. Only then you can begin to write.