Scholarship / medical doctor for a postgraduate scholarship [6]

If you like, your cover letter can simply ask for consideration and identify the attached application items. If, however, you want your cover letter to stand out, then you will have to have something of substance to say in it. This might be your goals, your experience, or something else that is unique.

Writing Feedback / Leaders in my life (16 years so far) [8]

So, then, there's no need to claim that your father is a leader or in any way different than other fathers. You can concentrate on describing his characteristics and stating how he has influenced you.

Writing Feedback / Leaders in my life (16 years so far) [8]


In this passage you contradict yourself accidentally. In fact, the average father teaches just these lessons.


I would hope that you have held these words in your heart through all of your education.


You can take out the whole first sentence as well as extra words in other sentences in order to tell us at least one thing that makes your father not the average father. If you can't do that, then you have to rewrite the essay to say that he is the average father and that's a very useful thing to be.

Graduate / Career objectives for Electonics and instrumentation engineer [6]

You don't actually specify your career objectives here. In all writing, detail makes the different. We read that you want a career in engineering -- a very broad field. Also, this could be assumed (I am guessing) from the nature of the job for which you are applying. You imply that you desire "professional growth," but again do not specify what you might mean by that.

What you want to do, if you are applying for a specific listed job, is list your objectives that are directly relevant to that job, such as developing a specific set of skills or working within a particular subset of the field.

If you are applying to the company, but not for a specific job, then you must be even more detailed, listing a number of objectives that are related to the various jobs you might do for that company. If you have a specific type of job in mind, say so.

Scholarship / What should be the right format for my scholarship essay? [4]


I would use the title: subtitle format. For example:

The Mountain Road
Scholarship Application Essay by XXX YYYY


You should write a cover letter covering (that's why it's called a "cover" letter) all of the application materials, including the essay. "Dear Sir/Madam... Please consider me... Please see the attached... Thank you in advanc... Sincerely,..."


The norm is to use two pages, although environmental considerations say one.


The cover letter will implicitly assert and affirm your authorship.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Undergraduate Review, "Newton" (Rutgers University) [7]


I worried about that too but, on the other hand, it does give a sense of the writer's personality. I imagine him or her very earnestly keeping track, and that image is endearing.

Undergraduate / "Elaborate on one of your extra-curriculars" - 150 words or less - critique? [9]

I agree with Sean, though I do have a couple of tweaks to make it even stronger.

The dull roar of the audience quiets to a few last-minute whispers.

Then the music plays , and I know exactly what to do.

All at once, I feel like I am exactly where I am meant to be.

Essays / The Importance Of Parents in Child's Life. [20]


An insightful spin.

Writing Feedback / Tv's influences on culture... who can help me to correct this essay? [9]

I like the way that you begin with the basic human impulse to communicate and then narrow the topic to modern television. I also like your thesis that not only foreign television but all television has both positive and negative effects. I'd like you to state this thesis as explicitly in your introduction as you do in your conclusion.

Your arguments could be supported by more details, but before getting to that, we must address grammar. First, because you are writing in a second language that you are still struggling to master, write as formally as possible. Say "television" rather than TV, say "children" rather than "kids," and be sure that all of your sentences are complete. ("First bad influence" is a fragment.) Don't use "or etc."

Next, you will need to phrase what you say as simply as possible, in order to reduce the chance of error (which increases with every additional word in a sentence.)

For example:
From the first of mankindH umans have always tried to makeconnect with each other and with the future generations .

We are informed through theTelevision informs us of recent news.

Study up on articles (a, an, the), because you sometimes include them when they are not needed.

For example:
Governments usually use the media such as television to generate false news to get public support.

Also, "news" is singular, even though it ends with an "s."

Writing Feedback / GRE analytical writing ..TOPIC (preservation on endangered species) [7]


Indeed. This is a graduate level exam. They want to see not only analytical thinking but also a level of prose at or near that of scholarly publications.

Graduate / Advice Needed: Letter of Intent for Public Administration (MPA) admission [5]


Say that, although more formally. Within non-profit circles (or, at least, within progressive non-profit circles), there is an increasing tendency to see how seemingly different problems -- housing, health care, etc. -- are ecologically related to one another. From that view, whichever problem you work on, you are helping with all of them. If this reflects your own view, certainly say so, as that will probably help you.


Look at this sentence:However, it is K's commitment to providing access to graduate education, via the web based MPA program, that truly makes the pursuit of a Master of Public Administration degree a viable option for me.See how, by making it passive, you not only weakened it, but also added words and commas? Instead, say:However, it is K's commitment to providing access to graduate education [omit comma] via the web based MPA program [omit comma] that truly makes the pursuit of a Master of Public Administration degree a viable option for me.

Writing Feedback / An Essay about " my ideal vacation". someone proof read it! [5]


People tend to be wordy and include useless phrases when (a) they've not thought closely enough about what they really want to say; and (b) they don't trust that what they want to say will be sufficient. The remedy: Think about and then say what you really want to say, trusting that saying things directly is always more powerful than couching them in fancy but empty phrases.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; SHARE WEALTH AMONG POORER NATIONS [12]

Especially with timed essays, people often get over-anxious to begin and just start writing before organizing their ideas. But, even when writing a timed essay, it always pays to take even a few minutes to generate and then organize your ideas before beginning to write.

Writing Feedback / GRE analytical writing ..TOPIC (preservation on endangered species) [7]


Why? This is the crux of your argument, but you assert it as an assumption rather than argue it. If you are asserting that homo sapiens is inherently more valuable than other species, you'd best explain why. If, despite what scientists say about the importance of biodiversity to all species, including our own, you believe that preservation of biodiversity is not essential to survival, you'd best support that idea with some facts.

Writing Feedback / How can I play into the hands of my Maker - Sunday Morning [51]

Oh, yes, please do keep writing. I'll keep reading, and I know I'm not the only one. Why not start a new thread with your reflections from India?

Essays / The Importance Of Parents in Child's Life. [20]

Right. Of course. Those of us from abusive or neglectful homes are forever marked by the experience, even though some compensating love or care may have come from other places. But, because this is the case, it's important not to write essays about parental love as if every parent offers this. Because, certainly, in many cases a child will get better care from somebody else.

Research Papers / Research paper on scientific research [9]

If you want to write something that draws together drugs, American history, and government corruption leading to actions inconsistent with science, you can't go wrong with hemp. There's plenty of information out there on that history.

For this paper, or just in general, you might be interested in the book Hep-Cats, Narcs, and Pipe Dreams: A History of America's Romance with Illegal Drugs by Jill Jonnes.

I do recommend that you narrow your focus sharply, whether you focus on hemp or some other clearly bounded topic. The essay thus far had too much "breadth," so much so that it was all over the place. Choose one topic and then go deeply and widely within that. If you chose hemp, for example, this would allow you to talk about the history of the suppression of this sustainable plant, the influence of money on the past and current government regulations, what science says and how this has been ignored, as well as how beneficial it would be environmentally if hemp were in production as a sustainable source of paper, etc.

Your grammar is good, and I suspect that your style will be too if only you focus.

Undergraduate / Undergraduates essay to UCF [5]


Why do you say this? Stay with your mixed feelings. Write down (just for yourself) both your positive feelings and your misgivings. Doing so will lead you toward an even more authentic self-expression.

Writing Feedback / An Essay about " my ideal vacation". someone proof read it! [5]

You do have a tendency to pack too much into your sentences, and this sets you up to make mistakes in grammar and punctuation.


This is an insanely long sentence!

Let's assume that you meant to start new sentences where you have capital letters. Now we have:While it's a common theme for most young people to go on vacation where they know there will be a variety of activities in which they can try new things I, however, like to go where I can unwind, take in the scenery, and enjoy the company of my family and friends. My ideal vacation would be camping in the quit mountains of a state park or relaxing on the shore of a beautiful beach.

The first sentence is still much too long! Let's break it down like this:
While it's a common theme forM ost young people like to go on vacation where they know there will be a variety of activities in whichand they can try new things. I, however, like to go where I can unwind, take in the scenery, and enjoy the company of my family and friends.

In this passage, we can see your primary problems: Too many words, and not enough punctuation marks. Edit by taking out empty phrases such as "it's a common theme" and adding puntuation marks to shorten and separate your sentences.

Essays / first few lines of an essay about a person [4]

Before you can structure the essay or decide on an introduction, you have to decide what you are going to say. Use brainstorming (jotting down ideas quickly without stopping to evaluate them until you are done) or free writing (setting a timer and just writing, without stopping and without worrying about grammar or punctuation) to generate ideas. If you're still stuck, ask friends or family members what they would sat if they had to write an essay about you. Do they have any anecdotes that illustrate your personality?

Once you know what you are going to say, you can choose an anecdote, a quote, or a strong statement for your introduction and then present your information in a logical order. We can help you with that once you have decided on the substance of the essay.

Undergraduate / The personal statements for University of Wisconsin, [3]

Both of these statements are very strong. I like the story-telling approach in the second, especially. You say that you think the essays have too many words, and I do think you should edit to be more concise, by eliminating unneeded words and empty phrases. Also, watch out for verb tense! Your writing is quite strong otherwise, so it really jumps out when you use the wrong verb tense, as below:

When my father first got the transfer order to GuangZhou in 1993，China was still an extremely undeveloped country; it was a country that not so many foreigners want to live in.

As my father kept proving himself as a black horse in Chinese regional food markets, his company also kept on giving him transfer order sending him to wherever that had not yet been exploited .

Essays / Essay about me and my friend who slipped into the waterfall - how to write it? [7]


Yes, exactly.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; SHARE WEALTH AMONG POORER NATIONS [12]


Do you brainstorm before writing or try to think up the arguments as you go along?

Research Papers / Research paper on scientific research [9]


And now you have learned the hazards of throwing filler into essays! It tends to make matters worse rather than better.


As with 12 step programs, admitting that the essay is a disaster is the first step.

But, please tell us: What was your original concept? Maybe there's a way to make that workable rather than start from scratch.


During the Bush administration, scientists of all sorts at federal agencies were prohibited from releasing findings that contradicted what the administration wished were true. Some were prohibited from speaking to the public. One of the top climate scientists at NASA has spoken out about this, as have several other lower-level scientists.

All over the United States, science education is under assault from those who fear any science content that in any way demonstrates or flows from the fact of evolution. In many school districts students are taught Creationism -- oops, "intelligent design" -- alongside evolution in science classrooms in public schools. As a result, a pitifully small percentage of U.S. citizens accept evolution as fact.

Scientific illiteracy among the citizenry of a democracy in the era of technology = uninformed and ill-advised government (in)actions.

Some scientists who want to do stem cell research complain that even Obama's loosening of the regulations on that research still leaves them unable to do the work they believe needs doing.

I read the UK magazine New Scientist regularly, and much of what I am saying here comes from my (admittedly rough) recollection of what I have read there. Many New Scientist articles are online in free full text, so you might want to start there.

Graduate / Advice Needed: Letter of Intent for Public Administration (MPA) admission [5]

Is there some good reason you don't specify which non-profit gave the presentation that so moved you? Your introduction seems evasively vague due to that omission. Also, I notice that you say you want to work in the non-profit realm in a particular region but do not say in what realm. Housing? Health care? Services for LGBT teens? What's your passion? Other than being vaguely inspired by an unnamed non-profit, why do you want to go into this line of work?

Research Papers / Research paper on scientific research [9]

For what class is this paper? You go from talking about corruption and quoting Bob Dylan to arguing for vivisection of primates. Furthermore, your facts are wrong. Unfortunately, the United States does not ban testing on primates. Each year, between the U.S. and the E.U. (where regulations are more, not less, strict than in the U.S.), some 70,000 of our fellow primates are subjected to often very painful procedures to which they have not consented. In general, U.S. regulations concerning the misuse of animals in research favor the purveyors of animals for testing and the scientists who make money by abusing them. The U.S. lags far behind (in my view -- in your view this would put the U.S. ahead) the E.U. in regulating vivisection. If you want to critique the U.S. for being hostile to science, there are plenty of reasons to do so. Undue protection of primates certainly isn't one of them.

Essays / Essay about me and my friend who slipped into the waterfall - how to write it? [7]

Good question, Kaella. The method you will use depends heavily on whether you will be recounting a true story or creating a work of fiction.

If recounting a true story, the first thing you should do is freewrite everything that you can remember about the incident, not just what happened but all of the sensory details -- what you heard, saw, felt, smelled, and tasted. Also jot down some details about the personalities and physical attributes of each of your friends.

If creating a work of fiction, you will have to do something similar, because you will need to create characters and setting by supplying those kinds of details. But there you have more latitude. You'll be using your imagination rather than your memory. You can choose to make the story tragic, comic, or anything in between.

Either way, in thinking about the plot of the story -- what happened -- ask yourself what is the climax (the most dramatic part) and how can you build up to that in a way that creates tension and interest in the reader. I assume that the climax will be the falling in, although it might be the rescue if that was difficult. Is the one who fell in a reckless person? Can that be shown right away, in something that you say about him or her or some dialogue? Earlier in the day, did one of the other friends warn that one not to be reckless about something else, thereby foreshadowing what was to come? These are the kinds of details to include to create dramatic tension. To bring the reader into the story, use lots of sensory details such as the sound of the falls or the feel of its mist.

Undergraduate / Undergraduate Review, "Newton" (Rutgers University) [7]

Haseeb,

What I like about this essay is that your personality shines through. Let's not lose that as we fix up the grammar and say more in order to address the question.

Some of your imagery is a bit off-beat, but I like that; it gives me a sense of you as a person, which is what admissions officers want. But if you are going to be talking about balance and chaos in the context of diversity or suddenly referring to neurotransmitters, you've got to make sure that your grammar and punctuation are impeccable and that your sentences are always sensible.

Here are a couple of fixes. (There are lots more for other members to find.)

Millions saw the apples fall; Newton was the only one curious to know how.


What does this mean? For one, I don't think this is an apt use of the phrase "learning curve." Similarly, unless you are referring to ecological restoration efforts intended to increase biodiversity, "simulates the diversity within reality" doesn't make much sense.

Writing Feedback / "People of MTV generation have no patience. They want instant satisfaction." [84]


I''m not in on this discussion, but I must say that I enjoyed that paragraph.

Student Talk / Exam passing tips - its my final year [71]


Before you can do that, you must do one even more important thing: Read the exam question(s) carefully. Then read the question(s) again, just to be sure.

Essays / The Importance Of Parents in Child's Life. [20]

My point, exactly. It may be aunts, neighbors, grandparents, or other care-givers who provide that love when parents are abusive or neglectful.

Writing Feedback / Prescribed drugs and its various effects on the body and mind [8]

Let me stay with content and organization before moving on to grammar and punctuation. I'd like to see your introduction include a preview of the information you will cover, and I would like for there to be some method of organization determining in what order you will discuss the somewhat random side effects you discuss. As it stands you cover side effects due to interactions between medications before you discuss (in the next to last paragraph) the kinds of adverse reactions that anybody might have in response to a single drug. That doesn't make sense.

Staying with content, where did you get all of this information? You are giving details you could not know (unless you are already a doctor specializing in this area) from your own life experience. Therefore, you must provide citations.

As to grammar and punctuation, let's look at specific sentences once you get the organization straightened out. I will say, however, that you need to resist the urge to throw in so many commas. A comma indicates a pause. Read this aloud, pausing for every comma:However, they also produce undesirable side effects, such, that they affect negatively an individual's mind, and body. Sounds strange, doesn't it?

Writing Feedback / IELTS; SHARE WEALTH AMONG POORER NATIONS [12]

I think the essay will be stronger if you ground it in a specific place. Specify which "community" you are describing in the first paragraph, and then broaden (as you already do) to talk about countries.

If you are looking for additional arguments, consider these:

Many wealthy nations became so by extracting labor and resources, by force, from those now impoverished. From this perspective, it's not charity but rather repayment that is due.

Poverty leads to disease, which in this world of easy global travel, rarely remains local. HIV/AIDS can be traced to the slaughter of apes for "bush meat" by people too impoverished to eat anything else. Now it is a worldwide pandemic, killing people and draining resources from every country on earth.

Poverty is also associated with conflict over scarce resources. Just as violence spills out of ghettos to suburban communities, resource wars within countries tend to end up hurting many more people than the direct combatants.

Graduate / Career objectives for Electonics and instrumentation engineer [6]

Well... what are your objectives? We can help you phrase them well, but only you know what they are!

Writing Feedback / True Friendship Essay (living without friends) [12]


Members post their work specifically hoping for constructive criticism, so please do not apologize for giving that! Your suggestion about linking words is good. If you see specific grammatical errors, point them out!

Writing Feedback / How can I play into the hands of my Maker - Sunday Morning [51]

Rajiv, I am glad to see this post from you. I was just wondering where you had gone.

Student Talk / Exam passing tips - its my final year [71]

What problems have you had in the past? What sort of examinations will you be facing?

Writing Feedback / There are many places that wait their visitors; Turkish Tourism Culture [4]

I like the information that you have provided about Turkey, but I notice that this information is presented in a disorganized manner. I would talk about geography (regions) first, then history, then culture (the different peoples). Try writing an introduction that portrays Turkey as a wonderful place to visit and goes on to say that you will be telling about its geography, history, and culture. Then revise and reorder your body paragraphs. Then expand your conclusion.

I'll let other forum members jump in with suggestions for revising specific sentences.

Undergraduate / 'trauma patient emergency care' - Supplement essay medical school [17]

Yes, Noto, your advice is always so good!

Scholarship / 'Bournemouth University has one of the most advance educations in the world' - BU scholarship essay [31]

Good luck! Let us know how it turns out. Even if you don't get this particular scholarship, you've learned more about writing while crafting this essay. That will help you in the future, no matter what.