Undergraduate / "Have fun", "Relax a bit" - Why NYU? It is because diversity has always been important to me. [12]

- Combine first two paragraphs into one in order to center the balance of the content of your essay. Since your first and second paragraphs above talk about connected topics, this should only be considered a single piece of writing / paragraph.

The rest of the essay finally depicts a clear idea of what you have to offer NYU and what NYU has to offer you. So fixing the first part of the essay is the only requirement I can see having you do at the moment. When those paragraphs are combined and then added to the rest of the essay, everything should fall into place :-)

Undergraduate / 'the element of truth' - "Welcome to hell," Mrs. Clemens chirps. Cheesy Common App Essay [3]

You have definitely developed one of the most interesting essays that I have read so far. You were not afraid to put yourself out there and let the admissions officer know about who you truly are as a student. It is that brutal honesty that I feel has helped this essay become this good. I congratulate you on presenting what could have been a negative aspect of your student career in a positive manner that is sure to inspire the reader and others who hear about your story. My only concern, is that you were not able to present solid or anecdotal evidence regarding the progress that you made. If you can present even one anecdote, it will strengthen the essay as it becomes solid evidence of how you truly know how to overcome adversity even when there is no support coming from your family. That is an important ability to prove and highlight because that is what being a college student is all about. Having the ability to succeed in an independent environment.

Undergraduate / One of the most critical moments in my life was when I fell off my bike [3]

If you want to use this essay then you need to cut back on the ego that you present in the document and approach it from a more humble angle. You should discuss how the fall enlightened you towards learning some life lessons that you may not have learned had you not fallen off the bike. This essay prompt is all about discovering the life lessons you have learned from the serious mistakes you have made in your life. This essay does not feel like it delivers that serious requirement. Changing the topic of your essay or the prompt that you are trying to answer may solve that problem as Alexa said. You need to find a life event that you connect better to. One where you actually learned an important lesson that helped change your perspective about life or the way that you conduct yourself. Perhaps the bike ride and subsequent accident in front of your peers caused you to learn about being humble and not being so filled with pride? Try to find a serious lesson that you learned from the event and build that up in the essay. Tone down the backgrounder regarding your physical abilities. It is not as important as the lesson you learned.

Undergraduate / "Don't trust anyone" my parents constantly reminded me. Mexican Korean - Rice perspective supplement [3]

I agree with Lyra, are you Mexican Korean? Korean American? What? You need to clarify how you classify yourself because that affects the overall theme and feel of the essay. Having read the essay and trying to find a way to connect what you wrote with the prompt required, I feel that you have not been able to properly address the prompt. You need to revise the work to reflect the unique life experience and cultural traditions that you bring to the campus. Right now, you seem to want to bring fear tot he campus owing to your experience in Mexico. That is not the perspective about life that you should be presenting on paper. You need to be upbeat, hopeful, ambitious. Try to present the positive side of your life experiences and the rich cultural traditions you might have being of Mexican - Korean - American. That would make for a very unique paper that will stand out from the pack.

Undergraduate / I was surprised to learn that such a diverse range of people were educated at Carnegie Mellon [3]

While I agree that your essay tends to sound like you took some information directly from a brochure about the university, I believe that the method of presentation that you used is still effective when the prompt requirements are taken into consideration. Your use of the information has shown that you have a clear understanding of the programs CMU has to offer you academically in relation to your major and your future plans as a student there, based upon what you know about the offerings of the university tells the admissions officer that you have a student career planned for yourself that you fully intend to see to completion during your time at CMU. At this point, the essay is not concerned about what makes you unique as a student. It's main concern is what you understand about the university expectations of its students and that can only be portrayed by displaying how well you understand the background of your chosen degree and the reasons why you feel that CMU is the proper place for you to achieve your dreams and ambitions. I suggest that you work on lessening the brochure sound of the essay in order to make the essay sound more like it is written in your voice before you submit it :-)

Undergraduate / Carnegie Mellon University provides an abundance of opportunities for students like myself [2]

The essay should concentrate more upon the reasons why you chose to apply to CMU instead of offering only what amounts to a one paragraph long response to that question. Your essay concentrates on your development, your beliefs, your training, your everything. Lessen the information about you unless you can directly relate it to the reasons that you opted for CMU. While you may not be afraid to say that CMU is not your first university choice, you still need to justify the reasons why it became your final choice. The only direct mention that you have to that is the reference you made to SURF, which does not offer as much as it should in the context of the essay. Try to revise the essay to speak more about the qualities of CMU that attracted you to it. The academic aspect , reasons why you chose to major in their particular department, and the social aspect of their university life should be presented in a balanced manner in the essay.

Undergraduate / "Come on man, one more rep, one more!" - Shooting for above average [11]

The essay has improved with the addition of


However, the paragraph lacks a sense of clarity regarding the urgency of the matter on your part. We don't understand where all the concern is coming from and why this event could have triggered time management consciousness in you. Somehow, you need to present the fact that your cousin had partial custody or visiting rights with his son that he could lose if he failed to do something right in relation to the time that his son spends with him. Adding that will bring out the full meaning of the essay and why this lesson is very important to you. It is just a small tweak that will make your essay ready for use.

Undergraduate / We've all been there. We've all been trapped in the endless chain of Wikipedia articles [3]

Wikipedia is neither a place nor an environment and is therefore not the correct response to this prompt. The essay requires you to present a place or environment that you frequent in order to clearly establish why you go there and where the sense of contentment comes from. Wikipedia articles do not exactly fall into that qualification so you should really reconsider your essay and try to look into a different place or environment to use in response to the prompt. Some of these places could be summer camp, a coffee shop, a library, your bedroom, school, or abstract places such as your mind, or environments like competitive sports, school, study period, or any place where you engage in a hobby, etc. Any of these samples can work for the essay. You can choose your own place or environment to use as long as it is a place you frequent and truly find a sense of contentment in as you stay there.

Undergraduate / "I'm not even Chinese, stupid!" - Identity Crisis; The Common "language barrier" [3]

The way you wrote the story does not make it clear that you are the child in the story. You switch from telling the story of an unidentified little girl to suddenly taking responsibility for what happened then switching back again. Clearly that is a formatting problem in your essay which will leave the admissions officer confused when reading this. As a central identity story about a language barrier, you need to make sure that you represent yourself from the very beginning. Try to convey these emotions from the various events that happened in your life into one thought provoking, clear, and concise essay. While your paper may work as a draft for creative story writing, it does not work at all in response to the prompt based upon the reasons I mentioned. As a central identity story, the story just does not make it very clear that the situations presented are all about you.

Undergraduate / As a child, hearing the term "the good life" I often thought of being enormous rich [6]

The first part of your essay responds to the prompt in a common sense manner. The latter part does not respond to the prompt as it is a futuristic view of your self and your life. The good life prompt is all about philosophical thinking in terms of how you view a good life. So your response, which is basically "The good life is about maintaining" is the part of the essay that you should look into developing. It is the part of the essay which, due to your life experiences, shows us the kind of definition you have developed over time. My advice is to delete the last paragraph that you wrote in order to make room to develop the line of thought that you have at the beginning instead.

Undergraduate / Executing the leadership and innovative skills - FIU Honors is the epitome of academic excellence [3]

You've only written 187 words, you are very far from meeting the maximum word count so why not try to write a little bit more in the essay to further develop the reasons why you chose to apply to Honors? Make mention of the classes that you specifically feel you will be able to learn more from and how your career goals fall in line with the course and program offerings of the college. Make sure to identify how your goals and ambitions will be better met by enrolling at their college and represent the improvements that you look forward to enhancing in both your academic and social life. Remember to present factual data in relation to your claims as the essay demands that you be specific in making your statements. That is an under developed portion of the essay that can use some beefing up thanks to your extra word count.

Graduate / Clarity is power and hence I have always been fascinated in understanding the 'WHY' behind things [14]

Yes, you can post the next, final version of the essay in this very same thread for final review and advice. You can try to deal with the redundancy problems on your own if you wish to. In fact, I advice it so that you will learn how to properly avoid being repetitive in your essays. Review your essay and make sure that you are satisfied with the content and that you have proof read the essay as well. My responsibility will be to be the final pair of eyes that will look at the paper and try to find fault with it if at all possible, before I give it a green light for use on your end.

Undergraduate / I nearly quit track after coming in dead last in my first race. - Extracurricular Essay [4]

You can strengthen the final sentence by including some reference to the most important lessons that you learned from your track and field experience. Then you can try to relate it to the way that you conduct yourself in the non-academic world. Elaborate upon how the track and field lessons that you learned have helped you become a better member of society and allowed you understand our personal interactions on a higher level of understanding. Remind us why you decided to not quit the track team in the process. That way we get a full circle of understanding about the effects of your track and field participation upon you.

Graduate / Clarity is power and hence I have always been fascinated in understanding the 'WHY' behind things [14]

I don't really see anything to correct at the moment. Then again, I always save the revisions and corrections for the final version of the paper so that the student can save on editing time. Every time you change the content of the paper, you have to revise the whole essay as well. So I try to save a few steps by finalizing the content first and then correcting everything else. We might need to edit the essay to shorten the content a bit. After all, the essay seems to be running a bit too long at the moment. Be mindful of the word count in the final edit, after I offer the corrections to your paper if any will be required. I'll let you know the final verdict on that after I read the (hopefully) final version of the paper.

Undergraduate / I live in a socialist country where the government has a strong influence on organisations [4]

Tammy, you can either make the essay respond to an intellectual interest in Women and Gender studies since that is the slant of your advocacy. By showing an intellectual interest in this topic, you can still use most of what you originally wrote. Just pick the parts that relate to the Women and Gender intellectual interest aspect and find some part of the ILR curriculum that you can associate with it. Make the connection between the two and you should have a very responsive essay in the works for the prompt.

Undergraduate / My parents noticed a rapidly deteriorating state of affairs inside my mouth - story, background [5]

I would rate it a 7. Then again, I am not an expert so don't take my word for it. What I see as excellent may be viewed differently by an admissions officer reviewing your work. You were able to bring yourself to life on paper through the events that you depicted. However, the events are quite heavy and numerous to discuss within a single essay. I would suggest that you cut down the part about the bullying due to the imperfection. Since the events depicted there are pretty common among the victims of bullying, actually shortening the incident for yourself will help draw more attention to the other aspects of the essay such as your ability to have overcome the adversities in your life and the fact that you came out of the experience almost totally unscathed emotionally and mentally.

Undergraduate / I live in a socialist country where the government has a strong influence on organisations [4]

What you have described is not an intellectual interest but rather an advocacy. There is also no clear connection between your interest and the ILR curriculum. You merely state that you commit to the curriculum but fail to justify the connection if any between you advocacy (not intellectual interest) and your line of studies. It is my opinion that you need to revise the essay to better respond to the essay prompt. You can do that by properly addressing the intellectual interest aspect of the prompt. This means that the major you are planning to take has a direct relation to the ILR curriculum. The intellectual interest should be better defined in your essay instead of having it sound like you are supporting and advocacy. Try to respond to the question by presenting an intellectual interest that aligns with the ILR curriculum. That way you will be able to properly respond to the prompt. Remember, an advocacy is different from an intellectual interest. Since you misrepresented your intellectual interest, you will need to adjust the essay in order to deliver a better response.

Undergraduate / My parents noticed a rapidly deteriorating state of affairs inside my mouth - story, background [5]

Yes, there is a limit. We can only review one essay per thread. So if you have 3 essays, that means you have to post 3 threads and it will be reviewed as you post it. Now, as for your questions about your essay:

1. Since you did not inform us about the word limit specified for the essay, I can't really tell if you went over the word limit or not. Most long essays have a minimum or maximum of 250 words. You should be able to tell the word limit better than we, as reviewers, can.

2 It definitely sounds dramatic. Then again, you are trying to create an interesting hook and keep the reader glued to the story you have to tell so the drama you tried to inject into it is understandable. Although, there are times when the essay becomes cliche-ish already because of the drama you are depicting.

3. Central identity essays require you to get personal. Otherwise we won't get an idea of who you are as a person and how the events in your life have affected the development of your personality and mindset. So yes, the essay is personal to the extent that is required in order to relay your story.

4. The topic is pretty uncommon since it deals with dental issues, but the bullying aspect and how you had to overcome the adversities set before you by this slight physical imperfection made the story easier to relate to and helped people understand what you had to go through during that time.

What makes your essay work in my point of view in the closing statement. I was afraid that you were going to leave the essay hanging with all of the questions you posed but then you came around with your answer, "Life is good" and I thought to myself, Abu nailed this essay with that single comment about his life and its relation to his central identity. You have shown that you do not allow the imperfection to define you but rather, you define who you are, regardless of the treatment you receive from other people.

Undergraduate / Unique Flavor to NYU - NYU AD Prompt - What can NYU offer you and what can you offer NYU [7]

You got lost in building up your own image in the essay that you neglected to see that you failed to answer the prompt in the proper manner. Nowhere in the essay did I read any reference to NYU and what it has to offer you. You only hyped up your image as a student and not even in the sense of what you have to offer NYU in terms of academic and social participation. What you wrote falls more under the common prompt referring to your purpose or interest in the course that you are applying for admission to. It does not come anywhere near answering the "What does NYU have to offer you and what do you have to offer NYU?" prompt. You need to write a totally new response, one that better addresses the prompt requirements.

Graduate / Clarity is power and hence I have always been fascinated in understanding the 'WHY' behind things [14]

Yes, concentrate on honestly answering the questions. The wow factor will not help if you are unable to support is factually within your essay. The hook, or most important wow factor, should be located at the start of the essay. That is not a requirement however and you can just go ahead with answering the essay prompt as best as you can. From what I can read, you need to summarize your academic achievements in relation to your chosen major and then expand upon how the chosen major or program will help you achieve your goals. You already mentioned your goals in the latter part of the essay, you just need to make sure to expand upon how the program will help you realize those points that you have set up for yourself. Your essay could also use some transition sentences when changing paragraph topics so that the flow of the essay can be smoothed out.

Letters / I have confirmed my belief about my career - Cover letter for English language proficiency [5]

The problem is that your English writing proficiency is not where it should be in order to be accepted by the university. Using this letter will weaken your chances of being accepted into the university due to the problematic grammar. My advice, would be to take the IELTS instead so that you will have ample time to truly study and polish your English language skills in the British English format. Don't take the short cut because the short cut will not serve to benefit your application. If we revise the letter for you, it will become polished but will not help you should you get into the university because your British English skills are sorely lacking. I would hate for you to have a difficult time in the university because of that. Prepare the correct way and then apply for admission to the university, you will be better off that way. Sometimes, shortcuts, although present, are not the best route to take. Specially in instances of the utmost importance such as education and career advancement.

Scholarship / Some drastic changes in my life: moving from Mexico to North Carolina, preparing for a college [9]

Shortening this essay will rely mostly on your ability to focus solely on the prompt requirement which is to justify your need and ability to be an excellent recipient of this scholarship. Discuss only your solid points as a student, in terms of previous academic recognition or grade point average, or exemplary performance during an internship that proves your potential as a student of this particular field. Your essay does not really represent the explanation pertaining to your need for this scholarship although it over emphasizes your ability to succeed as a student. Without the ability to explain the need for the scholarship, it will be difficult to make this essay fit the prompt. Try to explain your current financial circumstances in relation to your college degree, that is the foremost reason you need to get a scholarship. Explain how you plan to afford to complete your college education on your own and/or with your parents help, but then their help will only go so far and the scholarship will serve to help you achieve your dreams, ambitions, and goals in life. Once you successfully do that, you will have written an effective scholarship application essay.

Graduate / Clarity is power and hence I have always been fascinated in understanding the 'WHY' behind things [14]

In that case, you do not need the reference list at the end of your essay. This is supposed to be totally based upon your personal interests, anecdotes, and related experiences. This essay does not need to follow a research paper format. As far as I can tell, your essay already responds to the prompt.You need to lose the all caps words though. You never use all caps in an essay because that is improper writing etiquette. The reader tends to believe that you are shouting at the person reading it. It does not come across as emphasis, which is what I know you were driving at by using all caps. Whenever you can avoid using all caps, except in the case of MATLAB and other official acronyms, please do so. If you are only discussing a class you took or a seminar/training event, use the correct first letter capital format for the title of the event.

Letters / I have confirmed my belief about my career - Cover letter for English language proficiency [5]

Since you are applying for a certification in English Language Proficiency, you should be presenting evidence in the letter related solely to your academic accomplishments that will prove that you are worthy of receiving the certification. Your current letter is too cluttered with grammatical errors to allow you to be considered for graduation. You are supposed to be presenting this to the university where you are studying English right? I don't understand what the other experiences you related in the letters offer in terms of your application then. How do these experiences relate to your desire for an English proficiency certification? If these experiences are not academically sanctioned, why mention them at all? You should concentrate on your academic accomplishments if any instead since those will be the main consideration for your academic accomplishments towards getting a degree.

Undergraduate / "Social System" - CREATIVITY, PASSION AND INTELLECT SHOW CASE ESSAY / EUGENE LANG - LIBERAL ARTS [2]

Camila, you should open the essay by defining what New School Sociology means to you. That will open up the discussion to your new ideas about how sociology can be cultivated for the better with some necessary changes that come with living the 21st century life. You should reverse the essay. Bring the final paragraph up as your introduction so that you open the essay with the punch that is needed to catch the attention of the reader. Don't be afraid to think outside of the box in this case. Being New School, you are encouraged to develop new ideas and approaches to the world that traditional schools and methods would not have allowed. By showing the reader that you are an innovative thinker who views the world in a unique manner, you will be able to better portray yourself as a student candidate.

Undergraduate / I discovered a greater sense of purpose and ardor. I felt at home breathing in the Haitian air. [7]

I still feel like something is lacking in the essay. I do not see any word count limitation mentioned in the prompt so I am not sure why you are leaving us with an under developed essay. Why are you afraid to build a solid foundation for your interest in international relations? Surely it isn't isolated to just Haiti. Try to present a world view of international relations. Don't limit your development to just Haiti because one country's problems is not enough to compel a person to pursue a degree in international relations. Is there any way that you can build up the essay in terms of the foundation of your interest? The way your essay is currently constructed, you already have an existing interest in international relations. The question is, WHY are you drawn to it? What difference do you want to make in the field? How do you think you can accomplish that? Those are the reasons you are drawn to the field of international relations. It is not just limited to one country or a few activities that you have done. It has to go far deeper than that.

Graduate / Clarity is power and hence I have always been fascinated in understanding the 'WHY' behind things [14]

I am not entirely sure about your approach to this paper. Are you writing this as a statement of purpose? A personal statement? Or as a research paper? The reference list at the end makes me think this is more for research or a discussion paper? I really hope that you can tell me what context you wrote this paper in so that I can offer you a better review of the work that you did. I need to know exactly what the prompt is for the paper, what direction it should be headed, and what the expectations are for the paper. It is not enough to just post the content of the paper and a list of references at the end. That does not offer me any guideline towards properly reviewing the paper. Kindly supply the clarification that I need as soon as possible. Thanks.

Undergraduate / 'Delightful, tranquil, pleasant' - Maya in Nepali means love. [5]

It seems to me that you have deviated from the prompt response at this point. You need to concentrate on a place where you constantly go and where you continuously feel content. Reading the essay, you managed to confuse me because you first spoke of the Maya Universe Academy but towards the end make reference to the city of Kathmandu in general with reference to your sense of contentment. Which is which? Choose either the academy or the city itself based upon wherever you constantly feel content. The prompt requires you to describe a place where you feel content, so that has to be a place that you frequent. It is not a brief stay at the academy. If you feel the same way in the city and you frequent the city, than revise the essay to make reference to the city instead. That is how you can make the essay work better for you.

Undergraduate / American bubble - great education, continuous electricity, expansive neighborhoods, and poverty free [4]

Endevvr sounds like a total disconnect from the scientific aspect of the essay that you already established. The essay that you wrote is more scientific leaning while Endevvr is more about business development. It might not be a good idea to mention it at this point as it will muddle the discussion. I can however, encourage you to write a secondary essay that establishes the importance of Endevvr and how it affected your aspirations in life and why it can help you achieve your academic goal. Who knows, it might end up being a better prompt response than the one you currently have. As for the current essay, you can cut out your short term goals paragraph because the project you are looking into is definitely long term and should be discussed as such. Use the freed up words to develop my content suggestions.

Undergraduate / NYU Essay! Business environment, JSA, and love of Wall Street. [6]


That quote from your essay is where I want you to concentrate on. I want you to develop that discussion by presenting information about how NYU will be able to help you achieve this. What does NYU offer that will allow you do gain this deeper understanding? Name classes, professors, or internships that you look forward to attending and completing. That is what NYU has to offer you in terms of helping you achieve your dreams and goals.

Undergraduate / I discovered a greater sense of purpose and ardor. I felt at home breathing in the Haitian air. [7]

The essay does not paint a clear picture of the development of your interest in international relations. You need to start at the beginning, lay the foundation before you jump into the anecdote about your visit to Haiti. Without the background story, your anecdote leaves the reader wondering as to how you reached that point in your life and why you would seriously consider a career in international relations. Clarify those points and your essay should be well on its way to usability. Show us the development of your line of reasoning pertaining to international relations being more than just an academic interest.

Undergraduate / Harvey Mudd can help me reach my goal to provide cheap, yet advanced technology to everyone. [2]

You present a good essay that depicts the problem you want to solve but the essay lacks a sense of personal connection. This kind of essay will be highly effective if you are able to present a more personal connection to the problem you wish to solve. Right now, the situation you present seems to come out more of envy rather than a real problem that you wish to present a solution to. Try to find a deeper reason or problem to solve aside from tech gadget lifestyle discrepancies. Something like a disparity in health care or housing problems should suffice. That is, unless you are majoring in a technology course in which case, you will just need to present a deeper connection between you and the problem you present.

Undergraduate / I nearly quit track after coming in dead last in my first race. - Extracurricular Essay [4]

Christian, this is a very well written response to the essay prompt. I would like to caution you against submitting the same essay for every college that asks for a similar response though. You will find that it will be be best to paraphrase the essay in response to prompts in order to ensure that you accurately address the prompts provided. Remember, every university might have more expectations from your prompt response than what you have currently written. So be prepared to revise the essay to a certain degree for some universities, should the need arise. As a general essay though, the essay gives a clear view as to how this extra curricular activity has helped you develop as a person and offers an insight into how it has helped your relationship with others. You can use this for the general response, but always try to vary some points just in case the essay might sound a bit generic in some instances.

Undergraduate / ''Who else in your classroom has this opportunity to travel to The United States at this age?" [2]

You need to revise the essay to depict the recent influences that led you to choose Syracuse University. Nobody will believe that a 10 year old girl will have been attracted to a university at that age and without any specific purpose that a 10 year can really understand. Strengthen the reasons starting from the 9th grade when real academic influences can be understood and considered by a student. There is also a tremendous amount of grammatical errors in your writing that needs to be fixed. However, we can only do that after you fix the problem with the way you present the influence of your aunt or research in your choice of university. Try to present your decision based upon the academic and social representations of the university more than anything else since you did say that your research is what led your Syracuse at this point in time.

Undergraduate / "Have fun", "Relax a bit" - Why NYU? It is because diversity has always been important to me. [12]

Try to create a balance between your depiction of what you have to offer NYU and what NYU has to offer you. You speak in great detail about your ability to diversify the student community of the university and how you plan to do this but you fall short of your explanation as to how NYU can help you develop yourself both academically and socially. Remember, you need to present a reciprocating relationship with the university in order to best portray the way that you will have a well rounded and balanced learning experience at NYU. Right now, we know more about how you plan to shake things up at NYU rather than what NYU has to offer you in terms of academic and social development. That is where your essay lacks information and balance so that is where you should improve the content.

Undergraduate / You are not here fundamentally for the purpose of completing degree requirements - Why Penn College? [17]

Hey Sam, the essay is as ready as it can at this point. You have developed the best essay possible for your application so you need to be confident in the final version that you have written. Don't worry, I did not see any errors that need correcting and the essence of the essay was retained even after you officially removed the portion you had previously stricken out. the length of the essay cannot be helped because of the way that you covered all of the required information in the prompt. So yes, it is a bit too long but it works for your essay. Don't have any worries. The essay can be submitted as soon as you feel like doing so :-)

Undergraduate / "Krista, look through this performance list and see if its alright" - "Choir? Kermesse? Both?" [4]

Hi Krista, thanks for catching that. Yes, I meant that I am not confident about what you wrote. Sometimes my brain runs faster than my fingers :-) I would like to see how you would revise the essay to better respond to the prompt requirements if you can. You need to show a clear transition from child to adult in terms of duties, responsibilities, and other aspects of life wherein there is a true acknowledgement of your coming of age due to the decisions you made or actions that you took during that period of time. Sometimes, there is no formal acknowledgement from the adults about our transitioning to adulthood, it is taken as a matter of fact. So if you can just make the transition more obvious, it will become effective in responding to the prompt, sans the acknowledgement of adults. Perhaps there is a religious event in your family that can depict this? Something similar to the Bar Mitzvah of the Jews perhaps? Or maybe you were left in charge of your household for a weekend and your parents were happy with the results of your unsupervised time alone? Maybe you were put in charge of a group of unruly children and you managed to deal with them until their parents came back? Those are just some story ideas you can play around with in relation to the prompt. I am sure you can develop something else as well :-)

Undergraduate / Time is the currency of life - Dartmouth Supplemental Essay checkup [2]

Keavin, having watched the the show myself, I can understand why you and your friend would end up with such a serious and relevant discussion about time. This is a very interesting topic to have chosen for your supplemental essay. and presents an insight into the inner workings of your mind, as an analytical device, as well. the fact that you have been able to debate the importance of time in such a manner proves that you are well prepared for the rigors of academic involvement as required by Dartmouth. This is an essay that does not need any revisions. It is, in my opinion, ready for submission since it excellently responds to the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / NYU Essay! Business environment, JSA, and love of Wall Street. [6]

Try to develop your response to what NYU has to offer you a bit more. Right now it is a mere mention when it should be at least a full paragraph or two long in response. It is necessary to balance what NYU has to offer you with what you have to offer NYU because this will show the admissions officer that you have a good understanding of how the university works and how you can have a symbiotic relationship with the university and its students in both the academic and social field. Make sure your response shows off not just your academic skills, but also your extra curricular abilities as well. Remember, the university is looking for students with a well rounded personality and knows how to balance the seriousness of academic life and the social importance of relaxation in between studies. Try to make sure that you depict these aspects of your personality and the university offerings in your essay.

Undergraduate / See the bigger picture - Library of Congress as an Art [2]

This is a well developed piece of work as far as I am concerned. The fact that you came to an observation during a time when you were disappointed by something that was provided by the place shows that you have the ability to observe your surroundings under any given circumstance. I would advice you to lessen the back story about the book borrowing though because it is not really central to the essay prompt. Just make mention of having to borrow a book that disappointed you and when you returned it you observed something new. Develop the sense of surprise and what you learned during this period of observation that can help to further highlight how you were surprised and what you learned during that period of observation. Be specific as to whether this was an unsettling or heart warming surprise. Creating a personal connection with the story always works best to highlight these points.