Undergraduate / Executing the leadership and innovative skills - FIU Honors is the epitome of academic excellence [3]

You've only written 187 words, you are very far from meeting the maximum word count so why not try to write a little bit more in the essay to further develop the reasons why you chose to apply to Honors? Make mention of the classes that you specifically feel you will be able to learn more from and how your career goals fall in line with the course and program offerings of the college. Make sure to identify how your goals and ambitions will be better met by enrolling at their college and represent the improvements that you look forward to enhancing in both your academic and social life. Remember to present factual data in relation to your claims as the essay demands that you be specific in making your statements. That is an under developed portion of the essay that can use some beefing up thanks to your extra word count.

Graduate / Clarity is power and hence I have always been fascinated in understanding the 'WHY' behind things [14]

Yes, you can post the next, final version of the essay in this very same thread for final review and advice. You can try to deal with the redundancy problems on your own if you wish to. In fact, I advice it so that you will learn how to properly avoid being repetitive in your essays. Review your essay and make sure that you are satisfied with the content and that you have proof read the essay as well. My responsibility will be to be the final pair of eyes that will look at the paper and try to find fault with it if at all possible, before I give it a green light for use on your end.

Undergraduate / I nearly quit track after coming in dead last in my first race. - Extracurricular Essay [4]

You can strengthen the final sentence by including some reference to the most important lessons that you learned from your track and field experience. Then you can try to relate it to the way that you conduct yourself in the non-academic world. Elaborate upon how the track and field lessons that you learned have helped you become a better member of society and allowed you understand our personal interactions on a higher level of understanding. Remind us why you decided to not quit the track team in the process. That way we get a full circle of understanding about the effects of your track and field participation upon you.

Graduate / Clarity is power and hence I have always been fascinated in understanding the 'WHY' behind things [14]

I don't really see anything to correct at the moment. Then again, I always save the revisions and corrections for the final version of the paper so that the student can save on editing time. Every time you change the content of the paper, you have to revise the whole essay as well. So I try to save a few steps by finalizing the content first and then correcting everything else. We might need to edit the essay to shorten the content a bit. After all, the essay seems to be running a bit too long at the moment. Be mindful of the word count in the final edit, after I offer the corrections to your paper if any will be required. I'll let you know the final verdict on that after I read the (hopefully) final version of the paper.

Undergraduate / I live in a socialist country where the government has a strong influence on organisations [4]

Tammy, you can either make the essay respond to an intellectual interest in Women and Gender studies since that is the slant of your advocacy. By showing an intellectual interest in this topic, you can still use most of what you originally wrote. Just pick the parts that relate to the Women and Gender intellectual interest aspect and find some part of the ILR curriculum that you can associate with it. Make the connection between the two and you should have a very responsive essay in the works for the prompt.

Undergraduate / My parents noticed a rapidly deteriorating state of affairs inside my mouth - story, background [5]

I would rate it a 7. Then again, I am not an expert so don't take my word for it. What I see as excellent may be viewed differently by an admissions officer reviewing your work. You were able to bring yourself to life on paper through the events that you depicted. However, the events are quite heavy and numerous to discuss within a single essay. I would suggest that you cut down the part about the bullying due to the imperfection. Since the events depicted there are pretty common among the victims of bullying, actually shortening the incident for yourself will help draw more attention to the other aspects of the essay such as your ability to have overcome the adversities in your life and the fact that you came out of the experience almost totally unscathed emotionally and mentally.

Undergraduate / I live in a socialist country where the government has a strong influence on organisations [4]

What you have described is not an intellectual interest but rather an advocacy. There is also no clear connection between your interest and the ILR curriculum. You merely state that you commit to the curriculum but fail to justify the connection if any between you advocacy (not intellectual interest) and your line of studies. It is my opinion that you need to revise the essay to better respond to the essay prompt. You can do that by properly addressing the intellectual interest aspect of the prompt. This means that the major you are planning to take has a direct relation to the ILR curriculum. The intellectual interest should be better defined in your essay instead of having it sound like you are supporting and advocacy. Try to respond to the question by presenting an intellectual interest that aligns with the ILR curriculum. That way you will be able to properly respond to the prompt. Remember, an advocacy is different from an intellectual interest. Since you misrepresented your intellectual interest, you will need to adjust the essay in order to deliver a better response.

Undergraduate / My parents noticed a rapidly deteriorating state of affairs inside my mouth - story, background [5]

Yes, there is a limit. We can only review one essay per thread. So if you have 3 essays, that means you have to post 3 threads and it will be reviewed as you post it. Now, as for your questions about your essay:

1. Since you did not inform us about the word limit specified for the essay, I can't really tell if you went over the word limit or not. Most long essays have a minimum or maximum of 250 words. You should be able to tell the word limit better than we, as reviewers, can.

2 It definitely sounds dramatic. Then again, you are trying to create an interesting hook and keep the reader glued to the story you have to tell so the drama you tried to inject into it is understandable. Although, there are times when the essay becomes cliche-ish already because of the drama you are depicting.

3. Central identity essays require you to get personal. Otherwise we won't get an idea of who you are as a person and how the events in your life have affected the development of your personality and mindset. So yes, the essay is personal to the extent that is required in order to relay your story.

4. The topic is pretty uncommon since it deals with dental issues, but the bullying aspect and how you had to overcome the adversities set before you by this slight physical imperfection made the story easier to relate to and helped people understand what you had to go through during that time.

What makes your essay work in my point of view in the closing statement. I was afraid that you were going to leave the essay hanging with all of the questions you posed but then you came around with your answer, "Life is good" and I thought to myself, Abu nailed this essay with that single comment about his life and its relation to his central identity. You have shown that you do not allow the imperfection to define you but rather, you define who you are, regardless of the treatment you receive from other people.

Undergraduate / Unique Flavor to NYU - NYU AD Prompt - What can NYU offer you and what can you offer NYU [7]

You got lost in building up your own image in the essay that you neglected to see that you failed to answer the prompt in the proper manner. Nowhere in the essay did I read any reference to NYU and what it has to offer you. You only hyped up your image as a student and not even in the sense of what you have to offer NYU in terms of academic and social participation. What you wrote falls more under the common prompt referring to your purpose or interest in the course that you are applying for admission to. It does not come anywhere near answering the "What does NYU have to offer you and what do you have to offer NYU?" prompt. You need to write a totally new response, one that better addresses the prompt requirements.

Graduate / Clarity is power and hence I have always been fascinated in understanding the 'WHY' behind things [14]

Yes, concentrate on honestly answering the questions. The wow factor will not help if you are unable to support is factually within your essay. The hook, or most important wow factor, should be located at the start of the essay. That is not a requirement however and you can just go ahead with answering the essay prompt as best as you can. From what I can read, you need to summarize your academic achievements in relation to your chosen major and then expand upon how the chosen major or program will help you achieve your goals. You already mentioned your goals in the latter part of the essay, you just need to make sure to expand upon how the program will help you realize those points that you have set up for yourself. Your essay could also use some transition sentences when changing paragraph topics so that the flow of the essay can be smoothed out.

Letters / I have confirmed my belief about my career - Cover letter for English language proficiency [5]

The problem is that your English writing proficiency is not where it should be in order to be accepted by the university. Using this letter will weaken your chances of being accepted into the university due to the problematic grammar. My advice, would be to take the IELTS instead so that you will have ample time to truly study and polish your English language skills in the British English format. Don't take the short cut because the short cut will not serve to benefit your application. If we revise the letter for you, it will become polished but will not help you should you get into the university because your British English skills are sorely lacking. I would hate for you to have a difficult time in the university because of that. Prepare the correct way and then apply for admission to the university, you will be better off that way. Sometimes, shortcuts, although present, are not the best route to take. Specially in instances of the utmost importance such as education and career advancement.

Scholarship / Some drastic changes in my life: moving from Mexico to North Carolina, preparing for a college [9]

Shortening this essay will rely mostly on your ability to focus solely on the prompt requirement which is to justify your need and ability to be an excellent recipient of this scholarship. Discuss only your solid points as a student, in terms of previous academic recognition or grade point average, or exemplary performance during an internship that proves your potential as a student of this particular field. Your essay does not really represent the explanation pertaining to your need for this scholarship although it over emphasizes your ability to succeed as a student. Without the ability to explain the need for the scholarship, it will be difficult to make this essay fit the prompt. Try to explain your current financial circumstances in relation to your college degree, that is the foremost reason you need to get a scholarship. Explain how you plan to afford to complete your college education on your own and/or with your parents help, but then their help will only go so far and the scholarship will serve to help you achieve your dreams, ambitions, and goals in life. Once you successfully do that, you will have written an effective scholarship application essay.

Graduate / Clarity is power and hence I have always been fascinated in understanding the 'WHY' behind things [14]

In that case, you do not need the reference list at the end of your essay. This is supposed to be totally based upon your personal interests, anecdotes, and related experiences. This essay does not need to follow a research paper format. As far as I can tell, your essay already responds to the prompt.You need to lose the all caps words though. You never use all caps in an essay because that is improper writing etiquette. The reader tends to believe that you are shouting at the person reading it. It does not come across as emphasis, which is what I know you were driving at by using all caps. Whenever you can avoid using all caps, except in the case of MATLAB and other official acronyms, please do so. If you are only discussing a class you took or a seminar/training event, use the correct first letter capital format for the title of the event.

Letters / I have confirmed my belief about my career - Cover letter for English language proficiency [5]

Since you are applying for a certification in English Language Proficiency, you should be presenting evidence in the letter related solely to your academic accomplishments that will prove that you are worthy of receiving the certification. Your current letter is too cluttered with grammatical errors to allow you to be considered for graduation. You are supposed to be presenting this to the university where you are studying English right? I don't understand what the other experiences you related in the letters offer in terms of your application then. How do these experiences relate to your desire for an English proficiency certification? If these experiences are not academically sanctioned, why mention them at all? You should concentrate on your academic accomplishments if any instead since those will be the main consideration for your academic accomplishments towards getting a degree.

Undergraduate / "Social System" - CREATIVITY, PASSION AND INTELLECT SHOW CASE ESSAY / EUGENE LANG - LIBERAL ARTS [2]

Camila, you should open the essay by defining what New School Sociology means to you. That will open up the discussion to your new ideas about how sociology can be cultivated for the better with some necessary changes that come with living the 21st century life. You should reverse the essay. Bring the final paragraph up as your introduction so that you open the essay with the punch that is needed to catch the attention of the reader. Don't be afraid to think outside of the box in this case. Being New School, you are encouraged to develop new ideas and approaches to the world that traditional schools and methods would not have allowed. By showing the reader that you are an innovative thinker who views the world in a unique manner, you will be able to better portray yourself as a student candidate.

Undergraduate / I discovered a greater sense of purpose and ardor. I felt at home breathing in the Haitian air. [7]

I still feel like something is lacking in the essay. I do not see any word count limitation mentioned in the prompt so I am not sure why you are leaving us with an under developed essay. Why are you afraid to build a solid foundation for your interest in international relations? Surely it isn't isolated to just Haiti. Try to present a world view of international relations. Don't limit your development to just Haiti because one country's problems is not enough to compel a person to pursue a degree in international relations. Is there any way that you can build up the essay in terms of the foundation of your interest? The way your essay is currently constructed, you already have an existing interest in international relations. The question is, WHY are you drawn to it? What difference do you want to make in the field? How do you think you can accomplish that? Those are the reasons you are drawn to the field of international relations. It is not just limited to one country or a few activities that you have done. It has to go far deeper than that.

Graduate / Clarity is power and hence I have always been fascinated in understanding the 'WHY' behind things [14]

I am not entirely sure about your approach to this paper. Are you writing this as a statement of purpose? A personal statement? Or as a research paper? The reference list at the end makes me think this is more for research or a discussion paper? I really hope that you can tell me what context you wrote this paper in so that I can offer you a better review of the work that you did. I need to know exactly what the prompt is for the paper, what direction it should be headed, and what the expectations are for the paper. It is not enough to just post the content of the paper and a list of references at the end. That does not offer me any guideline towards properly reviewing the paper. Kindly supply the clarification that I need as soon as possible. Thanks.

Undergraduate / 'Delightful, tranquil, pleasant' - Maya in Nepali means love. [5]

It seems to me that you have deviated from the prompt response at this point. You need to concentrate on a place where you constantly go and where you continuously feel content. Reading the essay, you managed to confuse me because you first spoke of the Maya Universe Academy but towards the end make reference to the city of Kathmandu in general with reference to your sense of contentment. Which is which? Choose either the academy or the city itself based upon wherever you constantly feel content. The prompt requires you to describe a place where you feel content, so that has to be a place that you frequent. It is not a brief stay at the academy. If you feel the same way in the city and you frequent the city, than revise the essay to make reference to the city instead. That is how you can make the essay work better for you.

Undergraduate / American bubble - great education, continuous electricity, expansive neighborhoods, and poverty free [4]

Endevvr sounds like a total disconnect from the scientific aspect of the essay that you already established. The essay that you wrote is more scientific leaning while Endevvr is more about business development. It might not be a good idea to mention it at this point as it will muddle the discussion. I can however, encourage you to write a secondary essay that establishes the importance of Endevvr and how it affected your aspirations in life and why it can help you achieve your academic goal. Who knows, it might end up being a better prompt response than the one you currently have. As for the current essay, you can cut out your short term goals paragraph because the project you are looking into is definitely long term and should be discussed as such. Use the freed up words to develop my content suggestions.

Undergraduate / NYU Essay! Business environment, JSA, and love of Wall Street. [6]


That quote from your essay is where I want you to concentrate on. I want you to develop that discussion by presenting information about how NYU will be able to help you achieve this. What does NYU offer that will allow you do gain this deeper understanding? Name classes, professors, or internships that you look forward to attending and completing. That is what NYU has to offer you in terms of helping you achieve your dreams and goals.

Undergraduate / I discovered a greater sense of purpose and ardor. I felt at home breathing in the Haitian air. [7]

The essay does not paint a clear picture of the development of your interest in international relations. You need to start at the beginning, lay the foundation before you jump into the anecdote about your visit to Haiti. Without the background story, your anecdote leaves the reader wondering as to how you reached that point in your life and why you would seriously consider a career in international relations. Clarify those points and your essay should be well on its way to usability. Show us the development of your line of reasoning pertaining to international relations being more than just an academic interest.

Undergraduate / Harvey Mudd can help me reach my goal to provide cheap, yet advanced technology to everyone. [2]

You present a good essay that depicts the problem you want to solve but the essay lacks a sense of personal connection. This kind of essay will be highly effective if you are able to present a more personal connection to the problem you wish to solve. Right now, the situation you present seems to come out more of envy rather than a real problem that you wish to present a solution to. Try to find a deeper reason or problem to solve aside from tech gadget lifestyle discrepancies. Something like a disparity in health care or housing problems should suffice. That is, unless you are majoring in a technology course in which case, you will just need to present a deeper connection between you and the problem you present.

Undergraduate / I nearly quit track after coming in dead last in my first race. - Extracurricular Essay [4]

Christian, this is a very well written response to the essay prompt. I would like to caution you against submitting the same essay for every college that asks for a similar response though. You will find that it will be be best to paraphrase the essay in response to prompts in order to ensure that you accurately address the prompts provided. Remember, every university might have more expectations from your prompt response than what you have currently written. So be prepared to revise the essay to a certain degree for some universities, should the need arise. As a general essay though, the essay gives a clear view as to how this extra curricular activity has helped you develop as a person and offers an insight into how it has helped your relationship with others. You can use this for the general response, but always try to vary some points just in case the essay might sound a bit generic in some instances.

Undergraduate / ''Who else in your classroom has this opportunity to travel to The United States at this age?" [2]

You need to revise the essay to depict the recent influences that led you to choose Syracuse University. Nobody will believe that a 10 year old girl will have been attracted to a university at that age and without any specific purpose that a 10 year can really understand. Strengthen the reasons starting from the 9th grade when real academic influences can be understood and considered by a student. There is also a tremendous amount of grammatical errors in your writing that needs to be fixed. However, we can only do that after you fix the problem with the way you present the influence of your aunt or research in your choice of university. Try to present your decision based upon the academic and social representations of the university more than anything else since you did say that your research is what led your Syracuse at this point in time.

Undergraduate / "Have fun", "Relax a bit" - Why NYU? It is because diversity has always been important to me. [12]

Try to create a balance between your depiction of what you have to offer NYU and what NYU has to offer you. You speak in great detail about your ability to diversify the student community of the university and how you plan to do this but you fall short of your explanation as to how NYU can help you develop yourself both academically and socially. Remember, you need to present a reciprocating relationship with the university in order to best portray the way that you will have a well rounded and balanced learning experience at NYU. Right now, we know more about how you plan to shake things up at NYU rather than what NYU has to offer you in terms of academic and social development. That is where your essay lacks information and balance so that is where you should improve the content.

Undergraduate / You are not here fundamentally for the purpose of completing degree requirements - Why Penn College? [17]

Hey Sam, the essay is as ready as it can at this point. You have developed the best essay possible for your application so you need to be confident in the final version that you have written. Don't worry, I did not see any errors that need correcting and the essence of the essay was retained even after you officially removed the portion you had previously stricken out. the length of the essay cannot be helped because of the way that you covered all of the required information in the prompt. So yes, it is a bit too long but it works for your essay. Don't have any worries. The essay can be submitted as soon as you feel like doing so :-)

Undergraduate / "Krista, look through this performance list and see if its alright" - "Choir? Kermesse? Both?" [4]

Hi Krista, thanks for catching that. Yes, I meant that I am not confident about what you wrote. Sometimes my brain runs faster than my fingers :-) I would like to see how you would revise the essay to better respond to the prompt requirements if you can. You need to show a clear transition from child to adult in terms of duties, responsibilities, and other aspects of life wherein there is a true acknowledgement of your coming of age due to the decisions you made or actions that you took during that period of time. Sometimes, there is no formal acknowledgement from the adults about our transitioning to adulthood, it is taken as a matter of fact. So if you can just make the transition more obvious, it will become effective in responding to the prompt, sans the acknowledgement of adults. Perhaps there is a religious event in your family that can depict this? Something similar to the Bar Mitzvah of the Jews perhaps? Or maybe you were left in charge of your household for a weekend and your parents were happy with the results of your unsupervised time alone? Maybe you were put in charge of a group of unruly children and you managed to deal with them until their parents came back? Those are just some story ideas you can play around with in relation to the prompt. I am sure you can develop something else as well :-)

Undergraduate / Time is the currency of life - Dartmouth Supplemental Essay checkup [2]

Keavin, having watched the the show myself, I can understand why you and your friend would end up with such a serious and relevant discussion about time. This is a very interesting topic to have chosen for your supplemental essay. and presents an insight into the inner workings of your mind, as an analytical device, as well. the fact that you have been able to debate the importance of time in such a manner proves that you are well prepared for the rigors of academic involvement as required by Dartmouth. This is an essay that does not need any revisions. It is, in my opinion, ready for submission since it excellently responds to the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / NYU Essay! Business environment, JSA, and love of Wall Street. [6]

Try to develop your response to what NYU has to offer you a bit more. Right now it is a mere mention when it should be at least a full paragraph or two long in response. It is necessary to balance what NYU has to offer you with what you have to offer NYU because this will show the admissions officer that you have a good understanding of how the university works and how you can have a symbiotic relationship with the university and its students in both the academic and social field. Make sure your response shows off not just your academic skills, but also your extra curricular abilities as well. Remember, the university is looking for students with a well rounded personality and knows how to balance the seriousness of academic life and the social importance of relaxation in between studies. Try to make sure that you depict these aspects of your personality and the university offerings in your essay.

Undergraduate / See the bigger picture - Library of Congress as an Art [2]

This is a well developed piece of work as far as I am concerned. The fact that you came to an observation during a time when you were disappointed by something that was provided by the place shows that you have the ability to observe your surroundings under any given circumstance. I would advice you to lessen the back story about the book borrowing though because it is not really central to the essay prompt. Just make mention of having to borrow a book that disappointed you and when you returned it you observed something new. Develop the sense of surprise and what you learned during this period of observation that can help to further highlight how you were surprised and what you learned during that period of observation. Be specific as to whether this was an unsettling or heart warming surprise. Creating a personal connection with the story always works best to highlight these points.

Undergraduate / I was born into a global and diverse life - What can NYU offer you? [3]

We don't need to learn about your biographical background in this statement. Just stick to the topic provided and deliver the best response that you can. Your essay currently wastes a lot of word count in describing the circumstances of your birth, which is not at all necessary in this discussion. Better develop the reasons why you chose to study at NYU. Don't confuse the city with the university. Talk about the university and its offerings. The city, is a backdrop and is irrelevant to the offerings of the university and how the university can help you academically and socially. You also need to clarify what you, as a person and as a student can bring to the university that will help enliven its academic and social landscape.

Undergraduate / "I would found an institution where any person can find instruction in any study." Cornell's College [5]

Try to divide your topics into paragraphs to make the essay easier to read and offer the reader a pause between topics. That is necessary so that the information you provide can be better analyzed and understood by the human brain. You have written very creative sentences which, I am sure, once divided into paragraphs will prove to be under developed. Make sure to fully develop each field of interest and clearly explain why the intellectual interest excites you. Right now, I read snippets of the information necessary to develop that per field. Try to write at least 5 sentences for each topic so that you can better explain your interest in the field. It is important that you transfer your excitement to the reader in order to make it more effective an applicable to the prompt requirements.

Graduate / Working in an Autism Day Treatment room with preschoolers has given me further experience [2]

Kim, your personal statement tends to rehash information that the admissions officer can get from reading the other documents and common app essays that you will be submitting along with this paper for their consideration. I believe that your personal statement would benefit from a revision by discussing an aspect of your desire to become a highly educated speech pathologist that is not covered by other common app prompts and documents. You need to provide only relevant information in a personal statement that highlights the following:

1. The personal reasons that you chose to pursue this career and the reasons behind your choice of masters studies.
2. Your reasons for choosing to pursue these studies at this particular institution.
3. Your personal interests in the field and specific research your wish to participate in.
4. Proof of your ability to excel in this field based upon previous leadership success or skills displayed. You can retain the story about Autism Day, just make it shorter and direct to the point. An additional touch that will make this portion more personal is an anecdote about a child who particularly touched you and motivated you during Autism Day.

5. What you hope to personally achieve in terms of self fulfillment once you complete the course.

Everything about the essay needs to resonate with your personal goals, motivations, or objectives in life. By creating a personal connection between yourself and the field of study, you will be able to strengthen your personal statement.

Graduate / I am fully committed to a career in automotive sector. Masters Automotive Engineering Letter [3]

Your letter lacks a paragraph that explains your current professional experience, length of that experience and how that experience has motivated you to pursue higher studies in the field of Automotive Engineering. Limit the reference to your ranking in exams Your accomplishments during college will not impress the admissions officers reading this paper because a masters degree relies mostly on the professional experience that you have gained over the past year and a half or so of your career. The motivation for higher studies stems from wanting to improve upon this experience and open yourself up to new opportunities that come with it. The concentration of your letter should be on highlighting those factors and should rely less on your college experience. In particular, I would like you mention any relevant seminars that you have recently attended. While you should keep the mention of the college seminars you attended, adding some current training sessions you have undergone will add weight to your application.

The letter you wrote is quite informative and relevant towards the purpose of your letter. I am confident that once you apply the suggestions I made above, the letter will be ready for submission along with your other pertinent documents.

Graduate / I belong to an educated family related to medicine field. Applying for Master's of Computer Science [2]

Jorden, a motivation letter need not be formatted as a formal letter so you can dispense with the formalities in your opening and closing statement. Also your letter reads more like a resume listing everything about your academic life. That is not really necessary in a motivation letter. Instead, tell the reader more about what you are like outside of your academic pursuits. This becomes very long to read at this point, try to be direct to the point instead. Your letter really needs to be revised in order to make it more effective. Let me offer you some insight as to how you can effectively write a more effective motivational letter.

1. Talk about yourself in the letter. Try to discuss more than just your academic side by relating what you do outside of school. These interests and hobbies will show the kind of personality you have and the kind of student that you will be.

2. What is your motivation for pursuing this course of study? Why this particular course? What attracted you to pursue this line of education?

3. What made you choose this particular university to study at? Was it the city the school is located in? The university curriculum? The student life? These are the kinds of information that tell the reader you are really interested in becoming a part of their community. Remember to present an international point of view in this aspect and how it relates to your future plans.

4. Just like other university applications, tell us what you have to offer the university in terms of your academic and social skills. It is important to let the reader know how you will enliven the student and academic community.

5. Finally, tell the reader the kind of knowledge that you have about the major you are applying to, without going too in-depth or serious in the discussion. Just keep it informal but informative. It is important to create a balance between your academic and social motivations for higher course learning as it will affect the way that you are perceived by your peers and professors alike.

You don't have to write the letter in this particular order. Write it in a sense that is comfortable for you to discuss. These are mere guidelines for you to help you better draft a motivation letter :-)

Writing Feedback / Anti-radiation scarf and poncho stanford intellectual vitality [2]

Well, this is a very interesting take on radiation and how it can affect the mindset of people. This is a very creative essay that depicts a serious event that led to your interest in your major. I would have liked to have read about the reasons behind the presence of the radiation expert at your school though. It is important to know the factors behind his presence there because that is an important part or influence upon your intellectual development. A simple introductory paragraph relating to his presence there should make the essay ready for immediate use :-)

Undergraduate / I've always had a vision of the life I saw for myself - FIT FMM Admissions essay. [3]

I read the whole essay and, while you presented a type of work experience explanation within it, the whole essay does not really tell me why you are a perfect candidate for FIT. You tell us of your dreams and aspirations, even your hardships in life, but there is no development towards the reasons as to why FIT would benefit from having you as a student. What successes do you have in the fashion industry or those related to your chosen major that will make you stand out as a potential student candidate? Did you win any awards? Receive any recognitions? Watching Project Runway and dreaming of attending FIT, or even dreaming of being the next Chanel or Audrey Hepburn does not explain why FIT should consider your application seriously. How does the 2 courses you took at Disney relate to you FIT ambitions? You tried to get a job at H&M but obviously did not get it? The whole essay just not work as an application essay to FIT. It does not contain any information that shows your strengths in the fashion world, or potential to succeed. It is my belief that you need to revise the whole essay by indicating your successes or interests in life that directly relate to FIT as your potential school and depicts reasons that the admissions officers should consider you as a potential student next year. Right now, the essay is too weak and irrelevant to the prompt provided.

Undergraduate / LEGO - The urge to create is equally strong in all children. It's imagination that counts, not skill [3]

Not bad Philipe. The essay clearly responds to the prompt and offers full insight into the development of your interest in the field and how AAP, along with Cornell, will be able to help you harness your already existing skills in order to help you achieve your goals and ambitions. That said, I would like to point out some grammar corrections that are necessary for the perfection of your essay.I will also tighten the essay by deleting some parts which will make the essay more interesting and faster to read. Let me point those out for you below.


- Those Lego instructions have resonated strongly with me throughout my life. That is why when I was 7 years old... It was in the 9th grade when I finally realize that my Lego activities were the foundation for my passion in architecture.


- ... interest in how things fit...



- are on

Undergraduate / "Krista, look through this performance list and see if its alright" - "Choir? Kermesse? Both?" [4]

Krista, I am not really sure if this activity falls within the parameters of the prompt because the transition from child to adult is not as clear as you think it is. The lesson that you learned was not as life altering as it should be to depict a change in your point of view about life and your responsibilities you have as an adult within your given community. While you did display a sense of responsibility for your decisions and actions, I am really confident that the events depicted will be strong enough to convince the admissions officers reading this paper that an important coming of age event actually took place within the context of the story. The story is lightweight when considered overall and does not really contain any factors that show the acknowledgement of those older than you of your actions that can prove that you became an equal in their eyes. The other adults present in the story need to show their acknowledgement of your coming of age either by acknowledging the success of your actions or indicating that they would have made the same decisions as you did.

As for the word I, you need to use the word often because this is a first person point of view essay. Don't worry about. Worry instead about developing the depiction of yourself in transformation into adulthood. The critical mass event that would force such a transition on your part in this essay is really weak and needs to be looked into further.

Undergraduate / American bubble - great education, continuous electricity, expansive neighborhoods, and poverty free [4]

Ilesh, the essay properly answers the prompt and depicts the strong reasons behind your desire to pursue this particular degree. The fact that you have both your long and short term career goals clearly thought out and developed tells the admissions officer that you are a student who does not mean to just have fun in college, you totally plan on preparing for your future as an innovator and contributor to the betterment of society on a world wide basis.If there is something lacking in your essay, it is the development of the portion about the child defecating in the street. I would like you to explain how that particular scene burned into your mind and how seeing that child reminded you of the research about converting feces to energy. It is a connecting paragraph that lays the foundation for your desire to enroll in this field and conduct research relevant to the development of that technology. It is the driving force behind your ambition and goals and must be completely developed to make it highly relevant to the essay. Doing so will better prepare the essay for use in your application :-)