Letters / Response to Dr. Kings Letter to Clergymen Essay [3]

Are you supposed to write a response to Dr. King from a modern perspective, or as if you were someone living at the time he wrote it? The instructions, and the way you begin your essay, seem like the latter, but then at the end you sound more like the former, that is, someone writing fifty years later. It makes a difference, because America is a very different place now that it was then. You might want to revise the ending of your essay so that the entire thing sounds like a response written by someone living at that time. If you do, you might want to role-play a bit and consider who exactly you are supposed to be -- a white moderate, a black activist, or perhaps even one of the clergymen. For that matter, that last would make a lot of sense, because he wrote the letter to them in response to a letter they wrote to him. So, you could write as if you were one of the clergymen writing back to him, continuing the exchange. Of course, to do that, you would have to disagree with him, because that's what the clergymen would have done. That might actually be a really interesting exercise, because you would have to put yourself in the shoes of someone you presumably disagree with vehemently, which is always a good learning experience.

Scholarship / My own engineering firm; Scholarship (Educational Goals) [6]

Your second paragraph is off-topic. It has nothing to do with your desire to own your own engineering company or to learn about spacecraft electronic systems. It is not even a particularly good reason for why the company should invest in you. In fact, this is true of the rest of your body paragraphs as well. Only your introduction and conclusion are really on-point. So, get rid of anything in between them. That will leave you with a paragraph in which you mention your short-term goals, followed by your long term career plan, which covers the first part of the prompt quite nicely. As for the second half, research the scholarship you are applying for. Look at how the person or group responsible for founding it describes it. Then, quote that description, and show how you reflect the values involved. It may be that this is what you were trying to do in your body paragraphs. If so, you can still use most of what you have -- you just need to add some transition sentences that explain how your experiences demonstrate a quality that the scholarship founders would have appreciated. Good luck coming up with your second draft.

Writing Feedback / "Is racism becoming an obstacle in today`s world?" - correct my essay [4]

Your essay sort of meanders about your topic aimlessly, without any real point, especially if your essay is meant to be an attempt to answer the title question. This makes it difficult to follow. I'd suggest you start your revision by defining racism in your first paragraph. The sort of racism you seem to be talking about is explicit, negative, overt racism of the sort that is probably a fairly minor problem in most of North America today. In contrast, the sort of racism that does still cause social problems, and that is therefore actually interesting, tends to be implicit, hidden, often times even from the person engaging in it. For instance, the person who refused to rent to East Indians because he thought they treasured cockroaches is not, by your own admission, racist in the former sense. That is, he genuinely believes a story he has heard about another culture's practices. And why shouldn't he? Cultural differences weirder than that do exist, after all. In some cultures, for instance, cows are sacred. In some, dog meat is considered an acceptable food. In yet other, ants are considered a tasty treat. In some really messed-up cultures, you find buildings with no 13th floor because the number is considered unlucky. It's not really that much of a stretch to believe that some culture somewhere might view the cockroach as a good luck symbol. And, if this really were an East Indian belief (and I'm assuming its not), he would indeed be justified in not wanting to rent to people who were likely to infest the building with a creature that is consider the vilest of pests here. On the other hand, if the story is merely a racist myth, then he is still in racist in the latter sense, because he is discriminating against people based on a perception rooted in consideration of their ethnicity.

But even that isn't a really good example. You might look, for instance, at how forms of racism may underlying disparities in racial incarceration rates even though the courts themselves are not deliberately trying to be racist. In fact, in most of the legal system, most of the people involved would not think of themselves as racist, even though the results clearly seem to indicate a certain amount of racial bias creeping in somewhere.

You could also look at research about how people make unconscious associations based on racial awareness. One experiment involved having people "shoot" subjects in a videogame. The goal was to only shoot people who were armed. Most of the participants didn't actually shoot unarmed black men at a particularly higher rate than whites. The researchers were really looking, though, at how long it took people to decide to shoot. And what they found was that most participants would shoot a black man with a gun far more quickly than they would a white man with gun. This was true, I believe, of both black and white participants. That is, black people who played the game also showed this sort of bias against blacks. Another test, less violent in nature, involved word associations when the people associating words flashed on the screen too rapidly for them to consciously tell what the words were with images of black or white faces invariably matched up negative words with black faces and positive words with white faces. In both of these cases, the bias was utterly unconscious, something none of the respondents had been aware of before the test.

So, look at these sorts of things if you want to really answer the question you pose. If the essay is really meant to be just a book review of the two texts you mention, then I can't give you anywhere near as much advice, as I haven't read them.

Essays / Fascist Aesthetic in relation to Sontag essay and "Triumph of the Will" [4]

Kevin's method also works. Really, when it comes to getting started on an essay, you need to find a technique that works for you. Some people need to come up with an outline. If they just start writing, their ideas go all over the place and they end up being even more confused than before. Or, they just aren't prepared to delete anything they've written, so they keep in material that should have been cut early in the revision process. Other people find it much easier to write the outline last, if it has to be written at all. They come to their ideas through the act of writing itself, and so naturally find it impossible to write an outline of their ideas before they have actually written anything. Be careful, though, when experienced writers tell you that they never bother with an outline. They may think they are telling the truth, but often they are being deceptive. For instance, I never write an outline before I begin work on an essay. However, this is true only in a literal sense. That is, I don't type an outline out in Word. I do organize my thoughts logically in my mind, though, so I am working to a plan. In that sense, I have an outline, it is just that it is a purely mental one. Writing it down would be annoying for me because I can get further faster by just starting on my ideas and cutting and pasting them as I see the need to modify the plan I had in mind.

All that said, if you are really worried about the essay and can't get started, just freewrite. Get something down that destroys the horrible blankness of an empty page or screen. That endless field of white space can be paralyzing, but it is like paralysis in a dream -- it never breaks so that you can move, so much as it breaks just as soon as you start moving.

Undergraduate / Boston U Int. (Experiences with Dad, Confidence, Stock Market) [13]

How much confusion do you think we could cause if we started to advise people to make the opposite substitution. That is, if we started telling people who were clearly learning English as a second language that they should use "because" instead of "since?" So, instead of "I have been working here since five," we could encourage them to write "I have been working here because five." I'm guessing that if we could convince enough students to start doing this, in five years or so, the usage will have made it into American dictionaries, though they might still list it as "non-standard."

Research Papers / Drinking age, lowering age to 18 - research paper [21]


Presumably, most people who drink would disagree with you. As two-thirds of Americans drink (which is actually a fairly low percentage, compared to many other nations), your opinion is therefore a minority view. If one assumes that the law should reflect majority opinion in a democracy, then the law should be altered to lower the drinking age. That is, if the benefits of drinking outweigh the drawbacks, as the majority of Americans clearly believe, then there is no good reason to believe that this isn't just as true at 18 as it is at 21, given that 18 is the age of majority in every other respect (voting, conscription, adult under the law, etc.). That was actually the point that I was trying to make. I didn't actually wish to argue, at that juncture, that the benefits of drinking actually do outweigh the costs.

Though, now that you mention it, why do you say there are no benefits to drinking? You obviously don't mean that, because if it were true, then no one would ever drink. So, clearly, there are some benefits to drinking. Perhaps you mean that, in the long run, the costs always outweigh the benefits? But if so, on what grounds do you stake your claim? You can argue against binge drinking easily enough, as always being physically detrimental, but a glass or two of wine a day is generally viewed as having no physical ill-effects. And why would you say that the claim that alcohol is a social lubricant is a cop out. It is a depressant that people experience, at least initially, as a stimulant, because the first part of the brain that it shuts down is the part responsible for our inhibitions. Clearly this is a problem if people drink too much (having some inhibition can be a very good thing), but for people who are overly inhibited, i.e. shy, reserved, overly introspective, etc., then I cannot see, off hand, any reason why moderate consumption of alcohol shouldn't have an effect that could accurately be described as "social lubrication."

Essays / Who I would (if I could) nominate for a Nobel Peace Prize and why [15]

Unfortunately, the examples you give are mostly examples of the UN patting itself on the back. The International Atomic Energy Agency reports to the UN, though it is technically a separate entity, while the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Control was founded by two UN organizations. Neither really had much to do with making the world more peaceful . . . the prizes were just UN propaganda, meant to make itself look as if it actually mattered. If you are going to select a person or organization for a peace prize, you should do a better job, and find someone or some group of people who genuinely have made a contribution to making the world more peaceful. However, I see no reason why you couldn't pick an organization over an individual, if you can find one that qualifies.

Writing Feedback / We can't negative wholly benefit from nuclear technology [5]

I don't want to discourage you, but your essay at the moment seems a bit pointless. Really, what you are saying is that nuclear technology has positive and negative aspects to it. That's true of just about all technology, from agriculture to cars to television to the internet. If you are going to create something that other people are going to spend time reading, you should say something deeper and more meaningful than that. For instance, maybe you could revise the essay to argue that the positive aspects of nuclear technology outweigh the negative aspects. After all, nuclear weapons are the main reason that Western democracies and the great powers of Russia and China don't engage in direct warfare with each other any more. They are also the reason that India and Pakistan are much more civil towards each other than they used to be. Or, you could focus on what determines how technology gets used. Is there some way we as a society can maximize the positive and minimize the negative, or will the negative always predominate? In short, you need to argue something, rather than simply listing relatively well-known facts about nuclear technology, if you want to have a gripping essay.

Essays / "Ambition" essay - how to start it? [14]

Or, you could read Macbeth. That's a good play to get you started thinking about ambition.

Writing Feedback / Essay: Are exams necessary? Yes ... they are! [5]

Ned's advice is excellent. At the moment, you give a general description of one point of view, a general description of the other point of view, then say the second is better without any evidence. This is obviously not very convincing. In addition to using personal examples, you could also do some research on test taking. For instance, how have students' skills improved or deteriorated in areas that have tried to move away from test taking? For that matter, how do you even judge such a thing without giving a test of some sort? What alternative measures of success have been proposed? What are the strengths and weaknesses of these alternatives? If testing still seems to be the best option, how should the tests be designed? Add some depth to your essay, and you will get a much better mark on it.

Grammar, Usage / 1st person - writing question [12]

Perhaps you could post the sonnet here, so that we have some idea of what it is exactly that you need help introducing. As it is, it is difficult to know how to advise you.

Undergraduate / "higher Math and Science courses" - UCF Essay (bump in the road; why UCF) [4]

Everyone faces obstacles. Some of them are small, and they will be easy to go through. overcome Some of them are huge, andperhaps they might derail one's plans entirely . stop you there forever, but if you ever pass them, you will be the one successful.

When I was in the middle school, my teacher recommended me tothat I take higher Math and Science courses. Then I found myself in a class that wastotally different from what I thoughthad expected. Everyone was older than me. Also, they had already started about two months prior to me , and I needed to catch up by myself. It was the roughest time of my entire life. At first I cried, then I found out itrealized that was not helpful at all. I told myself that I had no other choices because it'sit was impossible to go back to my original class. The reason is I didn't want. [The preceding sentence seems unfinished. What didn't you want?] I am the girl who is eager to do well in everything. Also, I am not willing to be left behind by others.

In the next two months, I used as twice timestudied twice as hard as my classmates used to study . I went to my teachers' rooms to ask them my questions. I concentrated on studying what the teachers taught in class. In addition, I made up all the lessons I missed. During that time, I was busier, but I was happier. Time passed so fast. Finally, I passed all my courses with the highest grades. After going through all this , I know if I ever meet an obstacle again, I will consider it as a foreshadowing o f my success.

That clears up some of the grammatical issues with your first essay. For your second essay you need to add more. What, specifically, makes UCF appeal more to you than any other university? Do they have specific professors you would like to study with, or specific programs you are interested in, for instance?

Speeches / A persuasive speech on discrimination [6]

If you are going to write a persuasive speech, then presumably you will be less interested in what the different legal benefits of the two types of unions are and more in what they should be. So, your research should probably focus more on finding out why, given your excellent opening statement ("As a citizen of the United States who believes in dictum that "all men are created equal" in the eyes of the law, I see no difference in the denial of a same-sex union or the denial of a person to vote because of a different ethnicity."), so many people oppose same-sex unions. After all, you don't need to persuade people who already favor them, now do you? You need to persuade people who are opposed to them, and to do that, you need to know why they oppose them, so you can counter their arguments and respond to their objections. I'm sure you'll have no trouble finding sites that oppose same-sex unions online. Try to avoid the purely religious ones, though. You can't argue with "Because God said so," or persuade someone who's mind is closed to reason. Still, there are arguments out there meant to appeal to secular crowds, and those you will need to deal with, if you hope to make your speech effective.

Writing Feedback / 500 word image essay (Black Hair Report) [4]

You seem to be on the right track. Now go into more detail. Why were they "jumping" through the ring? What is the significance of the lengthening shadows beneath their feet? Why does the speaker call himself "a stick of brown light" beyond the racial overtones? And so on.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay - Parents are the best teachers (Devotion and penetration) [8]

You might also want to define more clearly what you understand by the term "best." If you mean "most effective," then you have a good point. No one can teach a boy that the best way to deal with women is by beating them as well as a father who abuses his wife. However, is there perhaps more to being a good teacher, much less the "best," than mere effectiveness. Does the validity and truth of what is being taught matter? If so, then the father in my example might be considered somewhat less than ideal. Just a thought.

Research Papers / Drinking age, lowering age to 18 - research paper [21]

Nonsense! Clearly the drinking age should be lowered to 18. If a person is old enough to vote, and has the mental capacity to decide who should make the country's laws; if he is old enough to be drafted into the army to be trained to kill and to die in his country's service; if he is old enough to be held mentally competent to stand trial and possibly face the death penalty, then he must surely be old enough to decide whether or not he wants to consume a bottle of beer. Plus, it's American beer, which means it only slightly more alcoholic than water anyway. :-)

You could also point out that making something illegal only makes it more desirable, and that binge drinking of the sort that leads to most young adults' irresponsible behavior, is far more common in the States than in countries that allow them to drink at an early age. [Hey, that gives you something to research. Imagine writing a research paper that references empirical studies].

You could likewise point out that the reason most adults drink is because they believe the benefits outweigh the drawbacks, and that there is no reason why this should be true at 21 and not at 20.

And if anyone should be foolish enough to object that people shouldn't drink because they should be getting an education, you could naturally respond that learning to balance socializing and work is a part of a good education.

Sorry, Kevin -- just wanted to provide the opposing side, here. :-)

Book Reports / Essay paper on "The storm", "The lottery", and "Samuel" - what to write? [6]

Try to find some similarity between all three stories that you can talk about. So, perhaps all three share a common element in theme. For instance, maybe each one deals with the darkness that lurks within us all, the darkness that might allow two married people to have an affair then to greet their spouses with a smile only an hour or so later. A darkness that might possess a man who was always reserved and obedient as a child to deliberately cause the death of a more extroverted boy who dared to play fearlessly. A darkness that might cause a town to occasionally sacrifice one of their own. On the other hand, the stories may have nothing in common, in which case, you are most likely doomed. :-)

Essays / Fascist Aesthetic in relation to Sontag essay and "Triumph of the Will" [4]

You already seem to have a fairly good outline. As for not going off topic, only talk about Hitler's aesthetic preferences, and you will be fine. I sometimes like to create a quote outline. That is, you can just write down all of the important quotations from your sources that seem like they should be in your essay. Then, put them in the order you think you'll use them. Once you have that done, writing the essay becomes ridiculously easy.

Essays / General biological science, Statement of purpose [8]

Why don't you write a first draft of your own statement of purpose. If you aren't sure how to structure it, just write down everything you can think of about your reasons for wanting to study biology. Then post whatever you come up with here. That would make it much easier to help you.

Essays / Who I would (if I could) nominate for a Nobel Peace Prize and why [15]

Um . . . you can't avoid politics if it's a Nobel Peace Prize. By definition, that goes to someone who has advanced the cause of peace, usually by helping to end a serious military conflict. Finding a cure for a disease might net someone a different sort of Nobel prize, as might writing a good book.

Assuming that you have to pick a Peace Prize nominee, you could go with either George W. Bush (for bravely removing a horrible dictator) or Obama (for pulling troops out of a place America had no business being in). I guess you could do a search for notable peace activists if you wanted a less polarizing figure.

Writing Feedback / GED Practice essay: Do you think people learn from their mistakes? [7]

I don't know how the GED is scored, so I can't tell you what mark you would get from the official reviewer. However, I'd give it around a 3, personally. You have a clear thesis, and your use of grammar and style is pretty solid. However, what you have to say isn't strikingly original or deep. You could have mentioned research that shows that most people, if they make a decision between two alternatives, tend to justify their choice after the fact. That is, they come to view the choice they made as the best one, not because it is actually the best, or because they were convinced that it was the best when they made it, but because they don't want to see it as a mistake. Hence, many people staunchly defend decisions even if conditions afterward would make those decisions look like a mistake to an objective outsider. I'm not saying you should incorporate this idea per se into your essay, but it gives you an idea of how you could go about adding more depth.

Poetry / Poetry about the Enron Scandal [7]

It may be that your teacher isn't concerned about your use of meter, in which case your poem is in good shape. However, if you are supposed to be writing a ballad specifically, then I'm guessing the meter will be important. Otherwise, why specify that particular form in the first place?

Essays / BCC ESSAY on my academic life and career goals - I don't know what do I wanna do in future as my job [24]

Invent something. Specifically, invent a career you might be interested in that maps on to the program you are applying for. This sort of essay is all about convincing the university you'd be a good fit with their program, so do some research to find out what the university most prides itself on, and write an essay that makes you seem to reflect that.

Writing Feedback / "Who Swims with the Tuna" by Quammen and "Riches of the Sea" by Scully [3]

I think it was David Brin who first pointed out that environmentalists are always only really concerned with creatures they can anthropomorphize, using just that example, that they were always ready to protest dolphins caught in tuna nets, while never seeming to take up arms against the idea of tuna caught in tuna nets, even though there never was any principle that could justify this difference in approach.

As for your essay, you might want to deal more with the actual arguments each makes. At the moment, you are in the odd position of saying that Quammen makes the more convincing case because he quotes fewer sources and refers to fewer sets of hard data than Scully does. [In contrast, "Riches" devotes a large portion of the text to quotes from his interviewees.] and [Scully's text spans over 49 pages and is difficult to read. His story shows a large and thorough research phase]. Even the assertion that he is more difficult to read could be attributed to his having more nuanced, hence more convincing, case. To tighten up your own argument, I'd throw in some quotations that clearly capture the stylistic points you are talking about and then explain in detail how Quammen is more convincing. Some analysis of the logic employed by each author would be nice, too.

Book Reports / The Crashing Symbols of The Glass Menagerie and My Little Town [27]

Building on Kevin's advice to you about transitions, I think that the only real problem your essay has is that you still persist in treating the song as if it were about the play, rather than similar to it. So, you say things such as "The song also describes the character of Tom's mother, Amanda Wingfield." I'm guessing that this isn't true, that the song is not attempting to describe Tom's mother at all, but that instead it describes a person who manifests characteristics that are similar to those of Tom's mother in the play. This guess, by the way, is based on your own phrasing of the thesis: "the story of "My Little Town" can be seen as being strikingly similar to that of "The Glass Menagerie." This is a different assertion than arguing that the song is about the play. The distinction is important, and if you don't maintain it throughout, the essay will sound slightly off, even if the reader will still be able to figure out what you really mean.

Poetry / "Parting Gift" poem [9]

Actually, on rereading it, I guess "born" could work. And, in fact, on rereading it again, I realize the poem works a lot better than I first gave it credit for. Still, I'm used to looking for spelling mistakes in the works people post here, and people tend to find what they are looking for, whether it is there or not, so you can't blame me too much. :-) I don't generally expect poems posted here (in general, not by you specifically) to be well-written.

Also, I stand by my statement that the lack of punctuation makes the poem needlessly confusing. "born" only works if you associate it with the "she" is who "trying things on", but that clause could apply to "world," "roof," "rain," or "born," and I'm pretty sure "rain" is the most obvious choice, from a purely syntactical viewpoint.

I am curious, though -- I like the poem now because, after three or four readings, I have come up with a reading that works, one that unites most of the elements of the poem to my own satisfaction. However, I am well aware that my reading might be very different from the one you intended the reader to come up with, especially as your description of the words as "precise and quantified" don't really seem to work with what I have in mind. The use of the present tense in "The window opens silently" is also a bit off. So, I have to know -- what did you intend the poem to be about?

Writing Feedback / Psychology Concepts applied to the real world [5]

I'm guessing this assignment would be easier to complete if you divided your response into paragraphs. The first one might introduce Coco -- who she is, when she lived, what happened in her life generally. The second one might introduce the concepts from class that you plan to apply to her, and your reason for selecting them. The third one would then consist of the application of those concepts to her life, which will make a lot more sense once you have laid the groundwork. Then, you can draw conclusions about the usefulness of the concepts. Go back and write up an intro that summarizes everything you have just written, and you'll have a solid five paragraph essay. Good luck.

Okay, the above was written before I merged the two threads you created, each of which seems to contain two parts of a single essay. With the addition of the first part, your essay becomes a lot more coherent. It's still only two paragraphs, though. I would therefore still suggest following the structure I outline above.

Poetry / Poetry about the Enron Scandal [7]

In general, according to the Almighty Overmind "ballads are written in ballad stanzas or quatrains (four line stanzas) of alternating lines of iambic (an unstressed followed by a stressed syllable) tetrameter (eight syllables) and iambic trimeter (six syllables)." Your lines do not follow this pattern. In fact, they don't even have the eight/six/eight/six syllable pattern down, much less the iambic rhythm that is called for. So, if you want this poem to be a ballad, you are going to have to revise it to have the traditional meter. This isn't as hard as it seems. Mostly, you just have to get used to hearing the rhythm and counting syllables, which may take a hour or two of practice. After that, the task will become much easier.

Writing Feedback / "the chase" story [4]

The first thing you should do is revise your essay to contain stronger verbs, ruthlessly eliminating forms of "to be" and "to have" wherever possible. The parts where you rely almost entirely on these verbs really weaken your work. For example:

"It was you. This whole shit is about you. IT WAS YOU who got me into this. IT WAS YOU whom they were after. IT IS FOR YOU that I'm now in the middle of nowhere"

and again

"I knew it was only because of the twilight that I was n't shot yet, but I also knew I had to move or it was death that was awaiting me. But in my whole body not a single cell had the nerve to move, I was as stiff as a stone. Fear had stamped me to the ground."

So, replace these weak, anemic verbs with strong vibrant ones, and your essay will rapidly improve.

Essays / Stephen King essay (three body paragraphs subject) [7]

Too broad and vague. Try to narrow your approach down somewhat:

"Stephen King is different from other horror writers in that he develops his characters more fully, creates much more detailed settings, and roots his horror in the small, petty, everyday evils that afflict us all.

This thesis is not only more specific, it is tripartite, with each of the three points it contains suggesting a topic sentence for a body paragraph.

Undergraduate / Appeal essay, UC Davis of Engineering [3]

I'm very appreciative that University of California Davis has offered me an opportunity for an appeal. After receiving the admission decision from UC Davis, I immediately considered for an appealing to the University of California; Davis. [Is this second sentence really necessary?]

Since I have been living in the United States for 3 years, I am not a native English speaker. Despite this disadvantage , I kept my GPA at 4.0 in high school, as well as earning an A in calculus community college during the summer. I am good at math and science, and I'm considering majoring in engineering at UC Davis. UC Davis has a great opportunity for engineering. [I think you mean that you have a great opportunity to learn engineering at UC Davis. Also, why is this a reason for them to admit you?] Even though I have lack ofengineering experience about engineering, I'm extremely excited that I might be learning at UC Davis.

However, I have a lot of experience in society. I'm working at McDonald's to get more experience. [Hmmm . . . not the best example you could use. Surely you have more impressive activities you could mention?] As I'm working, I have learned a lot of English too. I have been involved in a variety of volunteer activities for helping people. [This sounds promising. Elaborate.] I'm trying my best to find a balance between my studies and my job.

I'm very interested in majoring at this university. This is the reason why I want to attend UC Davis.

As you can tell from the comments I interspersed through your draft, you need to make a stronger case generally for being admitted. So you would like to attend the university -- that much is obvious from the fact that you applied. Beyond that, what reason does the university have to admit you? That is, what reasons have you given them? So far, you have told them that you have solid math and science skills (good), poor English skills (bad), no engineering experience (bad), a job at McDonalds (theoretically good, but actually bad), and are enthusiastic about attending UC Davis (good) without telling them why UC Davis in particular matters to you (bad). Some of the bad things you include may well be true, but that doesn't mean you have to mention them. Instead, replace them with good qualities about yourself that would make you a strong applicant. Also, add is some specific aspects of UC Davis that make it appealing to you. This will give you a much better essay.

Poetry / "Parting Gift" poem [9]

"the rain is speaking spells" That's excellent. Great use of language, here.

"On the roof above the barn " I'm guessing that's what you meant, anyway.

The poem might benefit from the use of punctuation. At the moment, it is sort of difficult to tell which clauses are modifying which. You can claim poetic license, of course, but clarity is generally a virtue in writing, even in poetry.

Grammar, Usage / A DIFFERENT way to say "going towards" [18]

"Since the industrial revolution the in the late 18th century, mankind has been growing steadily lazier."

Grammar, Usage / How to use quotation marks at the end of a sentence. [14]

Wikipedia's page on quotation marks has an excellent explanation of the exact difference between American and British usage. I'd probably go with the American version, myself, even though Canada probably follows British conventions. Mostly it's a matter of what I'm used to seeing in the books I read.

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay - Effect of Presidential Election [4]

"The more things change, the more they stay the same"

Really, without giving some hint as to your own views on the topic, any quotation we give you is going to seem sort of random.

Grammar, Usage / 1st person - writing question [12]

"to report to the nerve center for further debriefing, do you understand?"

Your tenses are good. The key is to be consistent. If you start out in the past tense, stick with it. Use of first person has nothing to do with it.

Undergraduate / I need help review this essay ("the greatest goal you hope to achieve") [3]

The greatest goal you hope to achieve is to become an engineer? That's not very impressive, especially as it is a goal shared by all the other applicants to Georgia Tech's engineering program. Perhaps you could talk more about what you hope to achieve as an engineer working in alternative energy production. That might give you something greater to discuss than the hope of one day being gainfully employed.

Writing Feedback / Holocaust Essay (genocide subject) [5]

Also, try being a bit more insightful in your intro. All you are really saying at the moment is that he Holocaust was horrible, its architects evil. This is perfectly true, but it's not exactly a stunning revelation. Most people agree that slaughtering over six million people just because of their religion is a Bad Thing. It doesn't help that the Holocaust is the single most overdone topic when it comes to discussing genocides, either. If you are going to add yet another paper to the pile of literature already produced on this topic, you need to find an angle that will defamiliarize the subject for your readers. Hannah Arendt did a great job of this when she wrote about the banality of evil, arguing that the Holocaust wasn't carried out by psychopaths or sociopaths, but by ordinary people who were mostly just indifferent to what their government was doing. They just went along with whatever the authorities told them to do, and what authority told them to do was to kill Jews. This was an interesting insight, because it went against what most people thought about the Holocaust. So, what you need to do is think of something like this, something that takes an element of your topic and provides a fresh view of it.

Essays / Esteban - Thesis statement for an arguementative essay [3]

You should definitely add in the title of the story and the author's name. Also, you should revise your statement to explain how exactly a dead person can be a representation of life. Other information would be useful too, such as why the village needs to be reborn, and how the village is connected to Esteban. Your thesis should be clear enough to be understood even by those who haven't read the story, although of course only people who have read the story will be able to tell you if it is too obvious to make a good thesis.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay: movies - serious or amusing? [11]

If you like Blackadder, you should check out some of Atkinson's stand-up comedy. A few skits are "Mr Bean-ish," but most are hilarious. He can stand on an empty stage and make you see an entire scene populated with people, just through his body language and tone of voice as he interacts with people and objects that aren't really there.