Undergraduate / Extra-curricular activity of being a listener and petition writer - inspirational life experience [9]


- Just simply say that by coincidence, you happened to live nearby. There is no need to get too flowery with your words. Just be direct to the point.


- Speak in past tense since this is an activity that already happened. So say "possessed".

Good idea with deleting that last line. Removing it really helped the essay in my opinion. Actually, I think the essay is ready for use now. Is there anything else in relation to this essay that you may want us to divert our attention to at this point?

Undergraduate / 'stop thinking unrealistically' If it's still on your mind, then it's worth taking the risk; Barnard [3]

Sania, while your essay deals with the abstract idea of "unafraid' the essay needs to be a bit more specific and descriptive. What was this hyperbolic goal that you had set for yourself that had everyone asking you to give up? When you talk about being "unafraid" you need to let us into the discussion that you had with these people. What is it about you that made them think you would not be able to accomplish this goal? Why do you feel that you can accomplish it? Describe to use why you feel "unafraid" in undertaking this task and why you know you will succeed. Being abstract in your discussion is helpful to a certain degree. You just need to balance it with the reality of your situation and allow us into that world as well.

Writing Feedback / It is not easy to describe what happiness is. IELTS essay topic. [3]

Azeez, where is the essay? You need to write the essay so that we can offer our review and opinion regarding how you can improve your writing. We are not tasked to write the essay for you. It is great that you provided the essay prompt for us but without your original work, I don't see how we can help you. Please work on the essay and post it to this thread so that we can help you improve your writing style and other related work. I look forward to reading your essay.

Undergraduate / "Why Odd Numbers are Odd?" - Odd is sublime! [7]

In my opinion, the new conclusion you came up with works very well with the rest of the essay. I found some portions that needed to be edited though so I took the liberty of doing so. I hope you don't mind inserting the corrections I indicated :-)


- ... present in odd numbers makes it...


- The world would be imbalanced as there would be no neutral side.

Undergraduate / I have searched for schools with programs which reflect some of my personal experiences. I found you [14]

Regina, there is a tremendously huge problem with your essay. Instead of providing the admissions officers with an insight as to how University of Chicago can help broaden your horizons by allowing you to become a part of their university, you took them instead on a central identity preview of who you are as a hyphenated citizen of the world. Nowhere in your essay do you answer the essence of the prompt which is:


It is my opinion that you should save this essay for a central identity common app prompt and develop a new essay instead for this particular prompt. One that addresses the requirements of the essay with specificity and truly portrays how UChicago can satisfy your desire to become a part of their academic and student world. You can do this by addressing their specific programs, as related to your major, and describing how you would be enlightened by these courses. Make reference to the student community and how you plan to become an active part of it, addressing perhaps some unique activities that you look forward to spearheading as a member of the student town. Finally, explain how UChicago fits into your idea of a well rounded future where you will become a leader of the business or whatever community you look forward to becoming a part of in the future in terms of your chosen profession.

Graduate / Mahatma Gandhi - favourite statue of the person you wanted to make [4]

Kumar, a statue is normally used to inspire people to action or consider certain aspects of the country's history or social struggles. You have chosen a highly inspiring figure in Mahatma Ghandi. However, instead of just describing why a statue featuring him will work, I would suggest that you present Ghandi in the sense of one of his more historical peaceful sit-ins. Try to think of which part of Indian history your country recollects the most about Ghandi and explain why portraying not just the iconic person, but the overall setting of the event, in the form of a statue will be most significant and inspiring for your people to see and understand. It should be Ghandi in a setting that allows the people to somehow make a connection between the past of India with the present struggles of India. That would make the discussion for this essay quite effective and visually stimulating as the reader can envision the essay in his mind as he reads your explanation. Overall though, I would give this essay a score of 8. Mostly because you spent too much time introducing the topic instead of discussing the point of the essay.

Writing Feedback / Advertising - there are many advantages side of it which is changing our lives to positive side [3]

There are grammatical errors that can be corrected within the essay. However, it has always been my policy to first have the student revise the essay using the instructions provided for the revision in order to limit the number of revision movements in the essay. Once an essay is revised, the overall content is affected and therefore, needs to be re-edited. That is why I always ask the student to revise the essay first and then I work with the student on revising the grammar content and tightening the essay. I will be more than happy to do the same with you once you have provided the revision I recommended you do in the essay :-)

Undergraduate / Glitter (Dance and Culture) - Princeton Supplement Essay [2]

Sheridan, your essay is quite informative and effective. I am just at a loss as to what cultural value you maker reference to in the essay. Also, which part is most important as the central theme, the glitter or the dance? I suggest that you choose to center your introduction around the topic that best illustrates the cultural value that you are trying to highlight in your essay. Make it clear from the start. Tell us what the value you are connecting it to is and then show us the connection by narrating your development as a person involved in the world of dance. That should require just some simple revisions regarding paragraphs and sentences :-)

Undergraduate / "Why Odd Numbers are Odd?" - Odd is sublime! [7]

I think that this is supposed to be a fun filled, tongue-in-cheek essay that pokes fun at the odd number concept. If we take that into consideration, perhaps the essay will benefit tremendously from a simple reference to real life as opposed to the number concepts behind the Math. The revision you worked in works well. Referring to the significance of Odd numbers in everyday life, religious connotations, etc., shows that the concept of Odd Numbers is not limited in importance to only Math concepts. Try to see if you can further expand upon these everyday references makes the Odd number odd(ly) important to our daily lives and why we have to understand certain concepts behind it. Why is the odd number important? That is the concept we have to properly explain here :-)

Undergraduate / Converting the Obstacles into Fuel for Success [13]

Yes, I believe that this essay works better now. It has reached a point where, if you feel that you have no information to add or revise, that you can already finalize the paper for submission and use. It already answers the prompt quite well and has offered good insight into who you are as a person and where you might be headed in the future. Your central identity has clearly been established as one who has come to realize that the lack of parental guidance does not mean the success or failure or a person. It all lies within yourself and your desire to succeed in life. Excellent work.

Letters / INVITATION - we have arranged a meeting - a google hang out. [9]

I need to know that information because that is the kind of information that is normally found in an invitation letter. Whether electronic or paper, the requirements of an invitation letter are all the same. You are asking us to help you revise or edit your letter right? We cannot help you if you do not give us complete instructions and access to necessary information. I hope my explanation helps :-)

Undergraduate / One particular incident changed me from being self-centered to being sensitive to others. [10]

Rhea, any of the essays can work for you. I cannot and should not choose the essay version that you should be using for your application. That decision is up to you. Pick the one that you feel best represents the kind of thoughts and emotions that you wish to convey in the written work and submit that version. As far as I am concerned, all of these essays convey your emotions and thoughts. I am not privy to the actual message and sentiment you want to reflect so you will have to make that final decision yourself. Sorry I could not be of more help. When it comes to choosing the final version, I can only tell you when the essay is ready, not which version to use :-)

Undergraduate / An odd group of friends- Brown University Supplement Essay [3]

Instead of this general description of who the members of the group are, you have to talk about why this group is important to you and your development as a person. Don't waste your time setting up the lunch scenario. Just tell us who your friends are and why they are important to you. Develop the learning and growth that happens within the group and the kind of influence you have over one another. What makes this eclectic group work? That is what we want to know about :-) So tell us more about how this group works and why it works for you in particular.

Undergraduate / UVA ESSAY BIGGIE SMALLZ READY TO DIE [5]

Daja, this is a very straightforward answer the an essay prompt that does not really tell us much about how and why you identify with the song. What I am trying to tell you, is that it would be best if you first offered a glimpse into your background as a person up to the point in your life when you heard this song. Then you can go on to explain how it changed your life and we, as the readers of this essay, will have a better idea as to why you are responding to the song in that manner. For example, you speak of new parents in your essay. Now we have no idea why you have new parents and how that might have influenced your feelings about the song. So letting us in in how you lost your original parents might help us better understand where your responses are coming from.

Undergraduate / Journalism is not an easy career in Vietnam - E.W SCRIPPS SCHOOL OF JOURNALISM/OHIO UNIVERSITY [11]

Uyen, here is a tip for this essay. Show the admissions reader the reason that you want to return to Vietnam after having completing your Journalism degree at E.W. Scripps. Rather than telling him / her what is already commonly known about the lack of freedom in Vietnam, let the reader know that you plan on trying to become a game changer in the journalism world in your country. That you want to push the envelop of journalistic integrity in Vietnam and see if you can bring about subtle but important changes to the way that journalism is used in your country. Of course it will not be an easy career but, explain that with the proper training and know how, you are convinced that you will be able to succeed as a journalist in Vietnam. All because you equipped yourself for what you deem to be the "battle of my life". or something to that dramatic effect.

Undergraduate / No one had taught me how to reach out to others when in need of help - MSU Application Essay [8]


- How do you plan on doing this? Expand the discussion to include some activities you look forward to attending or perhaps starting your own activities that will help the student population further reach out to one another.

The new version works well. It just needs to be further developed. Take note of the advice I gave you above and work on improving it. We can continue to edit the essay until it best answers the prompt :-)

Undergraduate / "How I spent $1000 making a fire starter" Common APP essay [7]

Richard, this is a very interesting essay in response to the prompt. the only problem I see is that you spent so much time discussing how you built the computer that you were not able to fully develop the idea that you learned a number of lessons along the way, most specifically after the failed presentation. It would be in your best interest to better discuss how the failure truly affected you. If it was in this lighthearted manner, then explain why you think you took it so lightly. What were the first thoughts that crossed your mind after the failure? Did you immediately want to try again? There was no need to tell us about how you waited to settle the claim with RMA. That is irrelevant. What we want to learn about in this essay is how the failed experiment affected your mindset and influenced your outlook for your future. Build and develop that part of the essay response.

Undergraduate / "It's rare for someone so young to contract shingles, but it's still possible" - I stuck in there... [14]

Tecjoon, that sounds like an essay that I can help you spin into becoming a response to the essay prompt. Why don't you write a draft version of it and then post it here for review. There might be a way that we can spin it to present a central identity development for you. Just remember, the activity needs to show that you grew as a person and gained a sense of maturity and a deeper understanding of yourself and your capabilities as the events unfolded. That is how your central identity is developed.

Undergraduate / "Attention to Detail" - the little things make up the picture - UW Madison [2]

Gabriela, you have written an essay response that would have worked if the prompt asked you to "Write an essay about something that people notice about you." You are fully cognizant of the fact that your attention to detail exists. other people are also aware of that fact and have even told you about it. That is therefore, the incorrect answer to this prompt. It has to be an aspect of your personality or trait that exists within you that, until the moment you had to analyze yourself and write about this essay prompt, you and other people never noticed before. If you prefer, you may choose to write about a trait of yours that you know you have but that other people do not notice or just take for granted. That is the kind of response that works best for this prompt.

Undergraduate / "For every force there is a reaction force that is equal in size but opposite in direction" [2]

Udensi, you have not answered the prompt in the correct manner. You are supposed to specifically mention the subjects you excelled in and how you managed to build your know-how in that field to your advantage. If you excel in Math, explain which particular field of Math you excel in. Why have you excelled in it from the start? What activities did you undertake to make sure you would develop this skill further? Perhaps you took tutorials? Special math classes? How did you manage to become better than the others in this class? Those are the questions that your essay is supposed to answer. Right now, all you have is a general answer to a specific question. That does not make your response effective at all.

Scholarship / Some drastic changes in my life: moving from Mexico to North Carolina, preparing for a college [9]

Sinai, your story is quite generic in the sense that almost everyone who is applying for a scholarship will have the same sob story as you do. Almost all of you will be children of immigrant parents who came to the United States, sacrificed, and hope that their children will have a better life than in Mexico. All of you are hoping that the government or private institutions will pay your way through college because your family cannot afford to pay for it. That is something that does not matter to scholarship committees. In the light of college expenses rising every semester, you need a better reason than this to gain the sympathy of the screening officer.

Rather than portraying the common story, why not play up your vital assets as a potential scholar instead? Sell them on your grades, show them you are an exemplary student who should be given a chance to attend college in order to give back to the country that adopted your family. Sell them on what sets you apart from the other applicants. A dream, an ambition, a goal in life.. anything that can tell them that they should take the chance on your application. Right now, you are just one of the many candidates with the same financial sad story, hoping to appeal to for financial aid. Give them a reason to want to support your studies other than, "My family migrated, we are poor and I cannot go to college because we cannot afford it." Give them a reason to root for you, your studies, and your future. Will their helping you make you a successful student? Why? Strive to stand out and be different from the other applicants.

Undergraduate / 'Delightful, tranquil, pleasant' - Maya in Nepali means love. [5]

Sonam, the essay itself is already quite good. It is nice that you are able to share many different learning experiences from your brief stay at the academy. However, I feel like you need to point out more than just what you have learned from the academy, there needs to be a point in the story where your contentment becomes very evident. From that contentment, you can explain what you experience there and how it has helped you learn more about yourself. That gives the reason as to why that place has become very meaningful to you. For example, you could talk about the sense of family or camaraderie among the students living on campus that you have never experienced before. Then explain why and how that is specially meaningful to you. The essay just needs a little bit of adjusting. The content is alright. It just needs to address the prompt requirements more specifically.

Undergraduate / Extra-curricular activity of being a listener and petition writer - inspirational life experience [9]


- There is no need to mention this. Your activities are more important than the date that you started.


- Do not keep this in a parenthesis. Create a sense of affinity and empathy with the people by explaining how you are trying to repay the organization by helping the others in need in the same way that they helped your family. By listening and offering help without being judgmental or condescending. This is an important aspect of this activity so do not enclose it in a parenthesis.


- How does this relate to your job as a volunteer at the organization? Is this something sanctioned by the organization? If not then you have deviated from your original topic and need to bring it back by relating it to your topic sentence. Say something about how this volunteer activity has even inspired you to work with the deserving members of the community even after official volunteer hours or something like that.

Undergraduate / "Why Odd Numbers are Odd?" - Odd is sublime! [7]

Regina, would it be possible for you to explain about the odd numbers being out using real life scenarios instead of concentrating so much on the mathematical aspect of its difference? The reason I am asking if you can do this is because I believe that by describing "odd" numbers in a real life scenario, you will be able o direct the essay to describe something unique and important about your own personality traits. Doing so will allow the admissions officers to see the humor in your essay while also learning something deeper about yourself that may not have been touched on in the other common app prompts.

Undergraduate / Converting the Obstacles into Fuel for Success [13]

See if my suggested revisions will further help your paper :-)


- Revise the sentence. Always speak in first person since this is a first person experience essay. It will also help add clarity to the fact that you are the one telling the story in the whole essay. You don't need to mention your name in the essay.


- Remove the parenthesis and change it to a comma for more impact in the sentence.


- my own efforts can make up for the absence of parental presence and guidance in my life.

Undergraduate / Contributing to Macalester community, personally and academically [5]

Your wish is my command :-)

With regards to the academic aspect of your personality, try not to concentrate on just Economics as you will be encountering various professors and classes in the academic setting that will lead to your beliefs and ideas being constantly challenged and questioned. Rather than showing an argumentative of debate driven side of your personality, try to present yourself as someone open to all aspects of learning. Each question being an enlightening experience rather than considering these something you need to discuss for hours on end with your professor. Be an absorbing sponge that analyzes all of the lessons you will be learning and trying to compile all of these lessons into a unique learning experience. I think it would be helpful if you also present your social / tutoring side in relation with your academic drive. Those two traits actually go hand in hand so you could use the tutoring to segue into your academic contributions if you wish.

I don't really see any problems with your social aspect at this point. There are some points in the essay that we can actually tighten to make it faster for the admissions officers to read and consider the important points. We can look into that after you have performed any revisions that I and the others in this thread have suggested :-)

Undergraduate / Converting the Obstacles into Fuel for Success [13]

- Eliminating this flowery introduction that does not help you present the central story will help to not only lower your word count, but offer the admissions officers a chance to immediately find the subject of your essay and get to the specifics of your essay.

It is my opinion that the minute your overly long introduction is eliminated from the essay, the whole piece actually falls into place and offers a direct insight into the central story that has helped create the personality and traits that have helped you become the person you are today.

Graduate / Why I Choose Georgia Tech to study chemical Engineering essay [12]


- When writing a character sensitive essay, try to omit flowery words and introductions. State your case immediately and utilize every character towards the expression of your response. There is no need to introductions in these types of statements.


I am driven even more...


-As a chemical ...

Please note the sentences for correction above. I also freed up word characters for you to use in further building your statement to its strongest potential. I advice you to use it wisely.

Undergraduate / Cultural shock in Dubai; teach myself a new skill or concept [7]

Hi Cheung, well, I already offered you some guide questions in my previous response that should help you better develop the theme of the essay and discuss the important points. Try to develop those suggestions into paragraphs and then incorporate it into your current essay. After you do that, you can post the revised essay here so that I can review it for you and continue to guide you towards the proper essay answer and correct certain portions whenever necessary. Show me what you have come up with and we will work together towards improving it :-)

Graduate / Why I Choose Georgia Tech to study chemical Engineering essay [12]

Ngoc, do you have a specific essay prompt to answer for this essay it will help me review your essay if I know what it is. Actually, this is extremely short for a statement of intent for college admission. You need to expand it to at least 3 paragraphs long. Consider answering the following questions in your essay:

1. What is it about Georgia Tech that attracted you to the school? How does this support your academic goals and ideas?
2. What are the classes of particular interest to you in terms of your major?
3. Do you have any specific research projects or thesis that you wish to undertake while studying there?
4. What particular laboratories, student research facilities, etc. will help you complete or develop your research?

By answering these questions, you will be able to properly express the reasons as to why you chose to study NYU. Showing how you plan to fully utilize their student offerings for the benefit of your degree.

Undergraduate / NYU. A reality come true or just a dream school?- Help on my NYU supplement [5]

Harrison, the best way to approach this essay will be to engage the admissions officer in a discussion about how the course syllabus you have chosen for yourself will help you achieve your goals and ambitions in relation to your major. After establishing those facts, you can discuss how you have some unique plans to help enhance the NYU student community. Don't approach them with the standard answer relating to their already existing campus activities and clubs. Explain how you plan to develop your own student organizations and why you feel that it will help enhance the community. This is the time to think outside the box and establish yourself as a unique student. Take advantage of the prompt and discuss as best as you can. We can reduce the word count as soon as we are done with the draft versions :-)

Undergraduate / No one had taught me how to reach out to others when in need of help - MSU Application Essay [8]

Muhammad, don't use any quotes from Batman, specially if you do not specifically refer to that quote in the essay. Yes, plagiarism also affects some essay applications so quotes should be properly referenced just the same. I believe that your essay is a little bit confused. It offers too many avenues of responses with little to no development of each idea. Find the idea that resonates best with you, for example, learning to reach out when you need help, and then develop that to its fullest potential. Speak of how you plan to have an open personality and interact with the campus community in such a way that you will be able to entice new students to feel welcome and free to approach you for help if they need be. You can even dangle the idea of perhaps starting a club that will be all about helping new, not just freshmen students, to acclimatize themselves to the campus and university life. Show the admissions officer that you are a mover, a game changer, and a person who knows exactly what he wants to do in college in terms of affecting the lives of his student peers.

Undergraduate / Stanford Short Answers: So they can get to know me better. [7]

Martin, I believe that you should maximize the use of the word count in your response to every question. 50 words maximum per statement is more than enough to enliven your very dry responses. At the moment, your responses are dull and do not really offer an insight into the kind of person you are based upon your answers. The response should be more than just the book title and author name. You need to explain, very quickly, about why you chose this book and how it influenced you as a person.

Undergraduate / "It's rare for someone so young to contract shingles, but it's still possible" - I stuck in there... [14]

The shingles story is not developing well in my opinion. I also feel that it is not strong enough a prompt for you to be answering. If you don't mind, I would like to offer a few other selections from the prompt topic for you to choose from. These are the prompts which I believe would best help your cause, specially you were already once rejected by Yale. Try to see if you have a proper response from personal experience for any one of the following or all 3:

Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what lessons did you learn?

Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again?

Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

These are some of the best common app prompts that normally give the students an easier time in writing their essays. If you need help in choosing a topic, let me know and I will try to come up with a set of guidelines to help you choose one :-)

Undergraduate / "Allowing you to travel on your own is the last sliver of the cake of childhood"; Failed trip to NYC [3]

No. Absolutely not. Please do not use this essay as your coming of age story. A coming of age story must always end with a lesson learned and show the successful development of either logic, responsibility, or maturity on your part. This story did not accomplish that. The fact that you specifically mentioned that this trip ended in a failure will not help your application. Perhaps there is another story that you can use from your past which will successfully reflect one of the three traits that I previously mentioned. The story must end successfully by the learning of a lesson about becoming an adult. Shedding light on the fact that you have learned to take responsibility for your actions and that you have learned to take the proper actions in order to correct your mistakes or prevent the situation from getting worse Nothing of that sort is reflected in this current essay. You need to revise the essay by considering other story options.

Scholarship / Why and what motivates you to volunteer for Bina Antarbudaya? > volunteer exchange scholarship [3]

Your motivation and reasons for joining this volunteer activity is very shallow. You need to show a personal connection or cause as the main influence for your passion. If your passion only comes from the stories told by your friend, which in turn influenced you to join, then you are not really giving a very convincing argument on your part. What you have to do is convince the reader that your past volunteer experience will have a direct relation to your desire to volunteer for this program. That way you will portray the image of a person who will be able to enhance both sides of the lobby with your presence. You can take what you learned from your previous volunteer experience to help enhance your new one and take your new experience to help enhance your old one. The scholarship motivation should be all about being able to give back to the needy communities in the best way that you know how. You still have room to portray these objectives in your essay. I suggest that you do your best to do so.

Undergraduate / Cultural shock in Dubai; teach myself a new skill or concept [7]

Cheung, the essay is alright in the sense of being a response to the prompt. The problem that I see is that you should have expanded more about what you learned about the holiday and how it affected you as a person. Aside from the lesson that you learned over all, what were the little lessons here and there that you picked up leading you to understand that it is important to respect diversity in each country that you visit? How have you applied what you learned to your current life? Do you think that the foundation you created for yourself regarding diversity will be something that will continue to grow for you from this point on? Do you view this as a single life lesson or merely the start of a lifelong learning experience?

Letters / INVITATION - we have arranged a meeting - a google hang out. [9]

Helia, I am not sure as to how to edit this invitation for you. Kindly supply the directions for this letter. I need to know:

1. Who is the letter addressed to?
2. What is the purpose of the letter?
3. How is Google Hang Out supposed to help your purpose?
4. What are the advantages of attending the Hang Out meeting?
5. Will there be problems for anyone who does not attend?
6. Who is the signatory on the letter?

Undergraduate / Extra-curricular activity of being a listener and petition writer - inspirational life experience [9]

This essay will be vastly improved as an extra curricular activity narrative if you spoke more of how you completed your tasks in the organization and how you personally touched the lives of these people. While the story about the prime minister helping the woman is interesting, it did not tell me anything about you and what ways you manage to help the people who come to the session for aid. If you want to use a story similar to that of the prime minister and the woman effectively, it has to involve you on a personal level and narrate the results of your actions as well. Right now, the essay loses focus at the story telling part and needs to be brought back on track.

Undergraduate / Humility leads people to fulfillment in the most authentic way possible - Transition into Adulthood [7]

Philipe, I happen to know someone who had a Bar mitzvah and I believe that aside from this actual ceremony itself, there is another activity that you could have discussed in relation to your coming of age in the Jewish tradition. The rabbi in this case asked the boy to consider his wealth in life and how lucky he has been. As a boy coming of Jewish age, the rabbi explained to him that there was more he could do now than he used to for any cause that he felt near and dear to his heart. In this case, the boy officially marked his Bar Mitzvah with, aside from the ceremony, a visit to the local animal shelter where he officially volunteered his free time from then on and also made a hefty donation of animal related items and food supplies which he got from his birthday guests in place of his official gifts. He chose animal rights as his cause in life and has made it part of his life from that moment on. That was how he chose to show his sense of adulthood and sense of responsibility for himself and for those who cannot defend themselves. His is a coming of age story that shows the way a cultural tradition for him, amounted to a transition into adulthood for himself. Do you have a story similar to that? It does not have to be Bar Mitzvah related. That was only an example. It just has to be a story that shows you taking responsibility for actions and deciding to somehow make a small but marked difference in the world we live in. Perhaps your volunteering for KSpace would fall under such a category?