Writing Feedback / "Animals should have rights too" - Argumentative Essay (Rogerian Style) [3]

You need to expand on your premises and tighten up the logic of your essay. For instance:

"Animals are just like humans experiencing the same pain and emotions." First of all, it is not clear that this is true of all animals. Lobsters, for instance, like most crustaceans, and, for that matter, many insects, lack the sort of nervous system that we have. Some scientists believe that this makes them incapable of feeling pain. Even those that think that they do feel pain believe that their "pain" is very different from our own, because it is physically impossible for them to feel any of the emotions that we do when we suffer. Second, even for those animals that do feel pain, so what? Why should their ability to feel pain matter to us? This question is not rhetorical -- there are ways you can answer it that would support your point of view, but you don't give any of those answers in your essay at the moment.

Most of the rest of your essay is like this, btw. It consists mainly of assertions that won't convince anyone who doesn't already agree with them. So:

"However, humans are just another species of animals and should share the right of freedom." No, we're not. If we were, we wouldn't worry about killing animals, any more than a bear or a wolf does. For that matter, we might practice infanticide regularly, as lions do, or cannibalism, as spiders do.

"Using an alternative method will also speed up the process, allowing drugs to be approved faster, as well as using fewer animals." This is an argument against animal testing on pragmatic grounds. It implies that, if animal testing would be faster and more effective in determining the safety of drugs than any other alternative, it would be all right. But you want, presumably, to make a moral argument.

"When hunters frighten a deer, it causes them to run out of the woods and onto roads, causing an increased number of collisions during hunting season. People even hunt in neighborhoods, which can be very dangerous, and cause injuries to people in the area." This would be more convincing if you provided statistics and citations to back up your claims, which currently sound made up.

"Before an animal is used for food, they should be able to live in their natural environment, not a cage so small they cannot turn around in for their entire life. They should not be forced fed, mistreated, or tortured before they are used for food." Another unfounded assertion.

So, more logic, more explanation of why we shouldn't do the things you say we shouldn't do, would greatly improve this essay.

Writing Feedback / "Malcolm X and Dr King" esssay, fighting inequality [5]

Now that Kevin's mentioned it, King does seem to be the more admirable and effective figure. King fought for justice in an unjust system, while still showing respect for that system. He understood that a society with laws was better than one without them, even as he recognized that some laws could be, and were, unjust. His courage and determination have inspired millions. Malcolm X, in contrast, started out as a violent criminal and ended as a racist radical. Still, that wouldn't matter if X had been more influential than King, which is what your thesis claims. While I don't really believe that, I think a case can be made for it. You'd have to argue that King's non-violent resistance really only worked because of the potential for violence. That is, the thousands of protesters he organized were non-violent as per King's example, but the government understood that if King's complaints about the racism in the system continued to be ignored, those same people might eventually embrace the radicalism of Malcolm X. So, King succeeds through an implicit threat of violence that existed in the public consciousness only because of people like Malcolm X.

To recap, it would be way easier to say that King was more influential. If you really want to argue in favor of Malcolm X, though, you can do so. At the moment, however, you present no compelling evidence for your thesis.

Writing Feedback / Catcher in the Rye: reality vs. fantasy [20]

A good thesis should be debatable. Your isn't. Ergo, you need to come up with a better thesis statement. Tyler already gave you some tips for doing that, but here's another one -- focus on "but he goes too far." Why does he go too far? How does he go too far? In what way does he go too far? Your body points all dance around the answers to these questions anyway, so if you can come up with a strong answer that unifies your existing body points, you should be able to make your essay much more solid without having to do too much rewriting of the body paragraphs.

Tyler, it sounds like you have excellent teachers.

Book Reports / 'Hamlet' and 'Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead' [4]

The opposing type is definitely the easier of the two to write. However, the alternating type tends to be stronger. Still, Kevin is right -- if you don't know how to start, you should try writing the opposing type for your first draft. You can always move things about later to create the alternating type essay if you feel the essay needs improvement.

Writing Feedback / The Ultimate Controversy: Argument Essay [19]

I always thought punishment was a form of negative reinforcement, though a quick check of wikipedia tells me that this is merely one view in a very muddled field. Apparently the terms reinforcement and punishment are far more hotly debated than I had realized. Learn something every day, I guess.

What do you mean by "judgment itself is a necessary evil?" I can see the idea of punishment as a necessary evil, since punishment generally consists of doing something to someone that would be considered evil if it were done to an innocent person. However, we view it as necessary because we have to have some way to control people who ignore the rights of others. However, judgment is the process of distinguishing between good and evil, and so permits us to avoid evil. Presumably, that which allows us to avoid evil would be a good, not an evil itself?

Research Papers / Outline for death penalty research paper? [11]

There is something to be said for merely reading as much as possible about the topic before beginning to write, I suppose. And you'd pretty much have to do this if you didn't already know a bit about the topic. The only difficulty that might arise is that you might find contradictory sources, or sources pro and con that do not address each other specifically. This might give you two very strong but conflicting sets of research, making it difficult to craft a thesis in favor of one side or another. For instance, in the case of the death penalty, you might find an article that shows that the death penalty is a very effective deterrent in countries that carry out the sentence quickly and efficiently (Singapore, I believe, is an oft cited example, in contradistinction to the U.S., which uses the death penalty, but does so slowly after an unwieldy and unpredictable appeals process). You might also find another article that talks about how the death penalty can serve to morally normalize violence within a society. The two points each serve a different side of the debate, but the two don't really have anything to do with one another. Ideally, you'd have enough research to provide counter arguments for the points that didn't favor your thesis, but there's no guarantee that sources picked randomly will do this. Whereas, if you already know your thesis, and are somewhat familiar with the various arguments, you can refine your search criteria to make sure you cover all the points you plan to make.

Writing Feedback / Catcher in the Rye: reality vs. fantasy [20]

You make some very interesting points, but they do seem to be a bit disconnected at the moment. Try to make sure that, at the end of each paragraph, you tie your main idea for that paragraph back to your overall thesis. This may require you to revise or reorganize the rest of each paragraph, too, though that may not always be necessary. Take Tyler's advice, too -- he knows what he's talking about.

Graduate / Admission essay - What will you contribute to X school's community? [5]

You need to make this essay more exciting. You seem to really enjoy accounting, and the idea of Financial boot camp and the of roleplaying in it could be very interesting. As it stands, though, your writing falls a bit flat. Perhaps you could include specific anecdotes from your experiences to demonstrate just how this camp worked, and what you learned from being a part of it, and how this ties in to what you hope to accomplish in graduate school. This would give you an essay that was both more focused and more entertaining. Good luck with the next draft.

Writing Feedback / "Malcolm X and Dr King" esssay, fighting inequality [5]

You need to add more transitions to connect up your ideas. Also, you should focus more on explaining why Malcolm X's approach was more effective than King's, if that is your thesis. I'd suggest you start by reorganizing your essay. Instead of talking about Malcolm X for half the essay, then about King for the other half, why don't you alternate between them? So, choose one element of Malcolm X's approach, then compare/contrast that element with King's. Then move on the next element of Malcolm X's approach, and repeat the process.

Essays / The Outsiders essay, how to start it? [3]

Don't forget, as you craft your first draft, to include properly cited quotations to back your points. In fact, you might start by creating a quote outline, in which you just list the relevant quotations you plan to use in your essay in the order you plan to introduce them. This can be a good way to get started if you are having trouble coming up with ideas.

Book Reports / 'Hamlet' and 'Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead' [4]

To get a more complex thesis statement, answer the following question:

What do the two plays you have chosen say about life and death?

Writing Feedback / The Ultimate Controversy: Argument Essay [19]

I can't resist -- I assume you never killed anyone while you were a teenager, and so were not in any danger of being prosecuted yourself. Of course, for all I know, you might have a long juvenile rap sheet, in which case, I concede your point. :-)

Writing Feedback / Working in a cubicle - Division\Classification essay with emphasis on Division. [6]

The essay itself was well-written to begin with. The first few lines no longer show up as wikipedia material if searched for as a whole, though fragments of them do. I'd add a citation to be on the safe side. Google "MLA citation" to find out how to do that. Unless your teacher has specifically told you not to use wikipedia as a source, there is no reason you shouldn't cite wikipedia directly. It is roughly as accurate, on average, as a print encyclopedia, and covers a lot more topics. If you really want to avoid mentioning that wikipedia was your source, though, you can take Kevin's advice, which is always good.

Undergraduate / SMU essay (took part in the victory) [19]

Of course, adding more specific descriptions would make the essay longer, and I seem to recall you were limited to 300 words. If you want extra practice, why don't you try rewriting the essay as if you had no word limit? That would give you room to more fully explore your achievements.

Book Reports / Thesis for the Count of Monte Cristo by Alexander Dumas? [9]

Or, if he changes motives as time progresses, or outlooks, etc., you can pick three of them. Really, you have a fair number of options open to you.

Essays / Writing a definition paper -- hard to explain well [7]

And a very apt one, too. One could write almost endlessly on some of the words you included there. Good job.

Research Papers / Outline for death penalty research paper? [11]

If in fact you are researching a topic you know little about to begin with. In the case of a topic like the death penalty, the chances are pretty good the author already knows most of the arguments pro and con. The research will merely involving finding someone who has already stated those arguments, or who has carried out statistical analysis of key data related to them.

Writing Feedback / Working in a cubicle - Division\Classification essay with emphasis on Division. [6]

You seem to have plagiarized the first two sentences directly from wikipedia. Why do you want to get a mark of 0 on this assignment and a reputation for academic dishonesty by doing something so obvious? Or, since the rest of your essay seems to be in your own words (or at least is copied from something not available online), perhaps you just forgot to cite?

"a list of people you would like to beat about the head and shoulders with their own keyboard." Excellent!

I think you've missed the point -- when the teacher says to focus more on division, she means to focus on the differences between things that seem similar, or on the differences between things that all work together to achieve the same end. Not that you should focus literally on something that divides.

Undergraduate / Rice Transfer Essay- What will you be able to contribute to Rice? [3]

"I feel that my life experiences will positively influence Rice's academic life and residential college system because they have inculcated motivation, determination, cultural sensitivity, and a commitment to community service in me." The problem here is that your anecdote about the taxi doesn't demonstrate any of these qualities. Open with a better anecdote, then connect that to this, to create a stronger introduction.

Your conclusion is fine, if a bit boilerplate.

Undergraduate / My Passion for Fitness and Wellness -- Career Goals [5]

So, write from the heart without fear of being judged or limited. Then, submit it here, where we will judge and limit you with harsh criticism meant to reduce you to tears. :-) Just kidding about that last part. Seriously, write it as you would if you didn't have to worry about what anyone else thought. That will give you a first draft that can then be edited and revised to suit the audience you are writing for -- an application reviewer. If you post the draft here, we will give you feedback, mostly constructive criticism that hopefully will leave you dry-eyed. Good luck.

Essays / Writing a definition paper -- hard to explain well [7]

Mustafa is quite right. If you can pick a word and give it your own definition, the exercise is one in imagination. Unfortunately, you have to pick a common word, but that sort of exercise is normally more fun if you pick an unusual word out of the dictionary and make up something that sounds reasonable. For instance:

Darshan
Dybbuk
Yataghan
Eyas
Zucchetto

All of the above are real words, but most people don't know what they mean, so if you are supposed to make up a definition for them, you can have some real fun.

If, on the other hand, you are being asked to give your own interpretation of the actual meaning of an abstract concept, then you should pick one of the words off of Mustafa's list, or any emotion, or any ideology, etc., then explain what the word means to you personally.

As for phrases, I'd suggest picking idioms or adages, but really, you could just go with a word if phrases are giving you trouble.

Good luck

Essays / Pride and Prejudice Essay. Starting a research. [8]

Tyler, you should really consider becoming an official contributor to this site -- your advice is always excellent.

Desiree, in addition to following Tyler's advice, you might want to start by doing some research and making a list of what social restrictions and conventions existed at the time the author was writing. After all, until you know that, how can you know which ones Elizabeth ignores? Then, list the ways in which she violates those conventions. That should give you enough for a freewrite or first draft, which you can then post here for more feedback.

Research Papers / Outline for death penalty research paper? [11]

I don't normally start with outlines, either, but of course, like most people who say that, I'm sort of lying. What I really mean is I don't normally bother writing out an outline, but of course I already have a good idea of what I'm going to write before I start. So, pick a thesis. That could be

The death penalty is fully justified for some crimes and should be adopted by more states.

or

The death penalty is morally reprehensible and should be abandoned by all states.

Then, think of reasons that support your thesis. So,

The death penalty prevents repeat offenders.
The death penalty allows true justice
The death penalty acts as a deterrent when implemented well.

or

The death penalty can lead to irreversible errors
The death penalty takes away a criminal's chance of redemption
The death penalty coarsens the public's moral sensibilities.

Then, think about the objections to your arguments, as well as other arguments the opposing side might make. How do you counter them?

Then, organize your points in a way that seems logically coherent to you to complete your outline.

Citations, if you are using MLA, go in-text at the end of every quote or paraphrase, and at the end in a bibliography. Most styles are like that, though some use footnotes instead of in-text citations, so you will have to find out what citation system your teacher expects you to use.

Writing Feedback / The Ultimate Controversy: Argument Essay [19]

Only in Texas :-) And I'm pretty sure there is a more PC term available now. I think "mentally disabled?" I know for a short while they were pushing both "exceptional" and "special," but I respected the English language too much to use them.

Scholarship / Scholarship Essays - Volunteer job and Education. (Deadline March 09) [8]

The dream sequence was really very well done -- you should be proud of it. Good job, and good luck with the essay. I hope it gets you your scholarship.

Research Papers / What to include in an intro and critical reflection, women inequality @work [10]

In general, it is better to cite too much than too little. Extra citations will be crossed out by the professor, probably without costing you much, if anything, in terms of your actual mark. Citing too little leaves you open to accusations of plagiarism, which could result in a mark of 0, along with other academic sanctions. So, really, err on the side of citing too much, if you must err.

Undergraduate / SMU essay (took part in the victory) [19]

Yeah, ribald is one of the few words in English that really only has one specific meaning, and it most definitely doesn't apply to your introduction at all. Perhaps you misunderstood your friend, or perhaps he is the sort of person you shouldn't be taking essay writing advice from.

Book Reports / Self-Fulfilling Prophecy in "The Blue Hotel" [19]

Well, if you would have received an A, the essay was obviously pretty good. Just make a note of your formatting error so you don't make the same mistake again!

Book Reports / Thesis for the Count of Monte Cristo by Alexander Dumas? [9]

Well, what stages does Dantes go through in his transformation? If you can think of at least three of them, that would give you your three topic thesis. Good luck.

Faq, Help / Is it safe to post my essay here? Or should I be worried about Plagiarism? [175]

Posting essays to get advice about how you should revise is not plagiarism, and would not be considered as such by most professors. If you are worried, though, you could always ask your professor if using this forum is okay. He can hardly accuse you of plagiarizing by using this site if he has explicitly given you permission to do, after all.

Essays / Management issues @ McDonald's Corporation; Org. & HR Mgmt Homework & Need your help [7]

Don't forget that if you post the draft of your answers to the question here, we will be able to give you more detailed feedback and advice on how to improve your responses.

Scholarship / Scholarship Essays - Volunteer job and Education. (Deadline March 09) [8]

Well, since you put my first set of suggestions to such good use, here are a few more for you:

"it was futile trying to escape such an infinite place, "

"I b ounced up from my bed; "

"We volunteers asked the receivers multiple-choice questions; however, they tended to give us more information than was asked for by the dull letters A,B,C ... in the answer sheets."

"would help her son move from place to place more easily ."

"and how burningly I wanted to alleviate her trouble"

"The son wasn't conscious of his condition"

"the sentiment that linked us humans together"

"Experiencing the volunteering job"

"It was unfair that the son above was born healthy just like me, like most of us so lucky people, with all the chances to run, to talk, and to smile." It was unfair that he was born healthy? I don't think you mean that.

"If he had been vaccinated to prevent polio properly like us, he would not have been stolen all those chancesthe chance for a normal life ."

"It was just a way to express your gratitude for the gift that live had given you"

"I'm now passing through the door to a higher educational stage - the university, the an opportunity that many young people in Vietnam don't have. Their family cannot afford them the secondary school's cost, and they have to make some start earning money by the age of 15 or 16. Therefore, people who have a better opportunity like me should put the education I get to use. Adding to my current compassion for the less-lucky people, the skills and knowledge I acquired in the university will help me contribute more to the community. I h ope that one day, I will not only stop having those scary nightmares, but also help others get out of the nightmares that they're living."

You're getting there -- keep on revising!

Research Papers / What to include in an intro and critical reflection, women inequality @work [10]

I should imagine that you would refer back to the research when performing your critical analysis. The evaluation of the studies would presumably have been carried out earlier in the critical analysis section, but the weaknesses you uncover there may point the way to new research that should be done.

Research Papers / What to include in an intro and critical reflection, women inequality @work [10]

I would say you should include all of the things you mention, backing them up where possible with specific references to your research sources. As for "What sorts of further study would be useful to know more"? it is often the case that, when looking at the research that has been done in a field, you notice areas that have not been covered that should have been, or potential biases or flaws in existing research that could be corrected by doing new or different studies. These would be the research that you would find it useful to carry out as further study.

Essays / Make a poor thesis and effective thesis (new voting machine) [5]

Also, your "effective" thesis does not make a great deal of sense at the moment, since there is no obvious reason why older people should find paper ballots easier to use than the new voting machines. You should probably add a list summary of your three main points (or what would be your three main points if you were actually writing the essay) to the end of your current sentence.

Writing Feedback / The Oregon Runaway Laws [4]

How exactly would throwing runaways into jail with hardened criminals be better for either them or their parents than letting them remain on the streets? Or for that matter, how does it help kids running away from abuse to give them criminal records? This, presumably, is what criminalizing running away would mean. So, if you want to argue that "there are more pros towards criminalizing running away than there are cons" you are going to have outline the pro and cons of both not criminalizing it and of criminalizing it, then compare them. You are also going to have to explain what you mean by criminalizing it, since I don't think you really mean that runaways should be tossed in jail and given a criminal record, given that you indicate throughout your essay that you believe that runaways need help and counseling.

Scholarship / The final input came from my brother-in-law, cardiologist - why did you choose this career? [8]

Some more fixes for you:

"I was studying economics-information systems according to my father's desire"

"My first job in the United States was as an Anesthesia technician at Brackenridge/Children Hospital of Austin, a job that gave me ample opportunity to research and observe the majority of health-care careers." "The majority of" isn't right here. Perhaps "a wide range of" would be better?

"It was theThis job that validated that beingmy decision to become a health-care professional was who I was , but I still needed to decide which one was the right one."

And Tyler's advice is excellent as always. You should definitely talk more about your desire to go into sonography specifically, as well as why you developed a passion for health care instead of just how you pursued this passion. Good luck

Undergraduate / SMU essay (took part in the victory) [19]

This might be a bit stronger:

Earning my first money taught me how hard my parents must work to earn their money, which in turn taught me to treasure everything they have provided for me . This lesson in gratitude was a meaningful gift that the life gave me when I was 17.I love and I'm proud of what I have, what I achieved and what I learned. I believe that What I got today will help me achieve my future goal.

Scholarship / Scholarship Essays - Volunteer job and Education. (Deadline March 09) [8]

Your essay transitions into the education part fairly well. You should probably have a conclusion, one that talks about how you would continue to support the cause of the disabled in future, and how your education at university would help you do this.

"its tenderness made me feel safe and secure ."

"The purpose of the survey was to learn more about the background as well as the daily life of the people who were going to receive free wheelchairs, so we could gauge how much their lives would have improved one year later with those wheelchairs."

"they tended to give us more answer than to follow the dull letter "A.Good/B.Normal..." The phrasing here is wrong. Revise.

"Of course, I dared not interrupting her story, for she was sharing with me her pain, and the least thing I could do was to listen" Actually, the least anyone can do in any situation is nothing.

"Recalling the dreams of being stuck in one place,"

"It was unfair that everyone was born equal, and then we grew into different conditions." This is naive. People are not born equal. Some people are born blind, or deaf, or with conditions like Down Syndrome. Some are born into poverty, others into wealth. Some are born to abusive parents, others to caring ones, etc.

"I learned to think differently , and therefore, act differently ."

Research Papers / What to include in an intro and critical reflection, women inequality @work [10]

The same thing you include in any introduction. So, start by introducing any background information you think the author needs to know. Then, try defining your key terms. If you are going to be looking at inequality, how are you defining that term? For that matter, what do mean by "work?" Are you looking at a specific work place, or a specific field of employment? Then present your thesis, and a summary of the main points that you plan to make to support it.

The answer to your second question depends on the format your professor wants you to use. If you have a section heading labeled "Critical Reflection" then yes, you'd probably put your analysis there. If you aren't using sections, though, but are writing it as an ordinary essay, there is no reason you can't analyze each piece of research as you introduce it. Really, you best bet is to ask the professor what he/she expects, since every professor has a slightly different set of expectations.