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Posts by shirleytse
Joined: Aug 29, 2009
Last Post: Oct 25, 2009
Threads: 5
Posts: 17  

Displayed posts: 22
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shirleytse   
Aug 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Ethical dilemma or risk - "Money solves all problems" [19]

Evaluate a significant risk you have taken or ethical dilemma you have faced and discuss its impact on you.

Money solves all problems. Whoever came up with this saying couldn't have been more wrong.

On the first day of my freshman year, I sat in Global class, dazing off as the teacher went through the same rituals and explained the rules I had heard at least 10 times that day. The girl next to me tapped my shoulder and introduced herself. She told me she was working at a day care center and her boss had asked her to help hire another person all summer. I jumped at the opportunity, knowing I needed the money more than ever. My mom had been struggling to pay all the bills and put food on the table at the same time. I knew that with the additional income; I would be able to take some of the burden off her shoulders. At the end of the day, my new friend brought me to the day care and I began my first day at work.

After a couple of weeks, I began to feel right at home. The children greeted me each day affectionately with bright smiles and warm hugs. Everyone was buoyant; eager to claim my attention, sharing their toys and showing me how they had gotten each scab. It was not long before each child claimed its special place in my heart. The end of the day was the hardest part, parting with the children with only the thought of knowing I would come back to those adorable faces to comfort me.

During one of their naptimes, a sobbing child was pulled aside by a teacher. Worried, I went to check on her. To my horror, I found the teacher disciplining the child. I watched as the child cried in pain, uselessly trying to avoid each strike. I quickly stepped between them and demanded an explanation. The teacher reasoned that if the child were disciplined, she would learn not to cry in inappropriate times such as now. I was shocked by the teacher's drastic measures to such an insignificant act such as this. I threatened to call the authorities on her. She, in turn, threatened to fire me. God knew how much I needed this job, and so I relented.

That day, I went home with a guilty conscience. I was disgusted with both the teacher and myself. How could anyone bear to hurt such an innocent child? More importantly, how could I have stepped aside and let it happen? I felt sick to my stomach but I could find no solution that would solve both problems. So I returned each day and silently watched as the punishments continued. I could confide in no one, fearing they would only make matters worse.

I grew more depressed as the guilt gnawed its way through me, so that soon I was just an empty shell. I was unable to concentrate on schoolwork and found no interest in my friends. To make matters worse, our rent was raised giving both my mom and I more pressure. I felt more trapped than ever. Eventually, my teachers contacted my mom about my grades. She demanded to know what was going on but I could not tell her. Instead, I suffered the chastisement silently.

While I was at school, my mom went through my drawers till she found my diary. In it, she found out about the child abuse that was occurring at the day care. Although I was furious that she had gone through my belongings and invaded my privacy, I was secretly glad that I no longer had to deal with it alone. I finally told her that I could not risk losing the job with all the payments we had to deal with. She, in turn, asked me to be in the parents' position. Would I want my child to be physically and emotionally scarred because of a worker's selfishness? It was then that I realized I had to do. That night I called the police and explained my situation. The minute I hung up the phone, I felt like a new person. When I arrived to work the next day, I found the teacher in handcuffs being led away. I apologized to all the children and all the parents for not reporting the child abuser until now. The day care center was closed down although I still baby-sit some of the kids.

Max words: 500
Words here: 729
Any way to shorten it? And criticism would be most welcome
shirleytse   
Aug 29, 2009
Writing Feedback / Her. A short and random idea. [11]

hey boxin, great piece. Just wondering..are you mandarin or cantonese?
shirleytse   
Aug 29, 2009
Writing Feedback / Her. A short and random idea. [11]

and a little too unreasonable.

not really sure how sounds can be unreasonable

The night never changed. The same people, the same places, the same things, the same air. Night air was mysterious in that city.

But the only light that night was the moon, and the only sound was her heartbeat. The only star was gone and the night air had left.

Those 2 points kind of contradict each other.
shirleytse   
Aug 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Macaulay - some issue or concern essay [20]

2. Discuss some issue of local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.
3. Tell us about a book, artwork, or lab experiment that changed the way you see the world. What was it about the work that affected you? How did your world become different?

I've thought about these two topics for a long time but I can't seem to come up with anything. Would anybody possibly know of event, book, or artwork that would be inspiring?
shirleytse   
Aug 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Macaulay - some issue or concern essay [20]

Lol. i thought the Harry Potter series were great too until the movies ruined it for me. And my English teachers have always encouraged me to use books read and discussed in class rather than books I've read on my own time. However, i hardly find those books interesting enough to read let alone write an essay about- not a good one anyway. So, currently, I have writers block(if I can even call it that, i didn't even start). If you have any other suggestions PLEASE don't hesitate to tell me! =)

And just curious, are you going into your senior year or have you graduated already?
shirleytse   
Sep 6, 2009
Undergraduate / Ethical dilemma or risk - "Money solves all problems" [19]

Second copy:
It recently occurred to me that my essay was not really answering the question. The question asked me to "evaluate" an experience and discuss its impact. In the last essay, I described my experiences more than I analyzed it. In this essay I tried to focus more on the impacts of the situation. However, I felt that this essay lacks a little substance. Should I stick with the old essay or continue to work on this one? And for either one, how could I improve it to either answer the question more thoroughly or give it more substance?

If you arrived in front of a building a flyer claimed to be an exquisite day care center, you would've been severely disappointed. You would find a tattered sign on the floor with the words "day care" barely made out on it, bare windows with pieces of tape and paper still stuck on it, and a big "FOR RENT" sign hanging on the door. The yard was yellowing and parched from lack of maintenance and the fence was rusted from lack of use. This place was where I got my first job.

A few months earlier, the tattered sign was clean and white with rainbows and happy faces surrounding the name of the day care center. Drawings clearly drawn by five year olds covered every inch of every window in the building. The yard was green and lustrous. The fence was shining and glistening in the sun. Children could be heard laughing and playing with each other.

Being my very first job, quitting was a very difficult decision to make. For a while, I worked at the day care center everyday after school. I was given a snack everyday and a check every two weeks. I got along with the children there quite nicely. They were constantly talking and moving, bouncing off the walls with superfluous energy. The teachers there all seemed to be very affectionate and loving towards the kids. "Seemed" would be the key word. Not long after working there, I discovered that the children there were being taught through corporal punishment. I was horrified by my discovery and my first thought was to report it to the authorities. My second thought, however, was how that would affect me. At home, I acquired new responsibilities such as helping to pay for the food and bills. I could not guarantee I could find a new job and during that time surviving without my additional, but petty income, would be increasingly difficult. In the end, my guilty conscience won and after several weeks of failing grades and neglecting friends and family, I brought my situation to the attention of the authorities. The owner and the abusers were arrested and the day care was closed down.

Although this problem was resolved another problem surfaced. It occurred to me how delicate the balance of right and wrong was. How could I guarantee the next time I was faced by a problem I would make the right decision? In this situation I had known right from the start what the right thing to do was. Could I be certain that the next time I was presented with a difficulty I would know what I had to do, let alone do the right thing? The answer to that question was no. For years I have gone to school learning about subjects ranging from history to science, from math to English. Never had I been in a class that taught me how to deal with dilemmas I would come across in life. Things like the causes of the French Revolution and the number of bones an ant had were useless information to me. What I needed to know was what to do when I was placed in a difficult position where making a decision would amount to a certain sacrifice made by some or all sides. Where would I be taught this? The correct answer is, hopefully, college. College was a place where people of all cultures and backgrounds interacted and learned together. College was where doors were opened and chances to interact with people in the real world were made. In college, I hope to learn and enhance my leadership skills so that when I am set out into the real world, I may be more confident in my decisions. Although college cannot guarantee that I will make the right decisions every time, it will certainly increase the chances.
shirleytse   
Sep 6, 2009
Undergraduate / Ethical dilemma or risk - "Money solves all problems" [19]

I may be wrong but I think a good essay should not sound like an essay- that would be boring. An essay should flow like a story with a beginning middle and end. I started the beginning of my essay with the description so that I can draw the reader in but as you read on I evaluate the significance of the event.
shirleytse   
Sep 19, 2009
Undergraduate / Ethical dilemma or risk - "Money solves all problems" [19]

Thanks for the feedback. I just thought that colleges would want me to connect my experience to how i would be a good addition to their college, but I guess its imlied in my first essay so I shouldn't have to come right out and say it.
shirleytse   
Sep 19, 2009
Undergraduate / Macaulay - some issue or concern essay [20]

I was actually thinking about writing about health care, because its a concern that affects me now and in the future. is that i good essay topic or is it too cliche?
shirleytse   
Sep 19, 2009
Writing Feedback / Toefl Topic -- "A person you know is coming to your town" [5]

I believe that there are things(maybe you can use a different word) in my town that my friend would definitely love them . He would probably appreciate the peaceful aura as well as its beauty.may like the peace. The beauty of the city would catch his attention as well.On the other hand, being a city boy, it would take a while for him to get used to not driving from place to place. (not sure what you want to say here)as this friend of mine is coming from a big city, he would easily get bored when he wants to have a walk in the city.

Unfortunately, this town is a little boring.Unfortunately, to some, my town may seem slightly unappealing.The area of my hometown is not so much.Being a small town, you could pretty much get anywhere with a bike. The night life wasn't so great either. By 8pm, all shops were closed and by 10, the whole town was dead; not a single person on the street.You can get around in the city easily with your bike, and it wouldn't take you so much time. More or less, everywhere is accessible in 30 minutes. My town is dead at nights as well. All shops close on 8pm. You can't see anybody walking in the streets after 10pm. This may cause boredom.

On the other hand, this town is a really convenient place to live. The traffic is less than big cities like one he is coming from. You don't have to waste your time being stuck in traffic jams for several hours. In other words, there is no traffic at all. Getting stuck in traffic was unheard of here. For those who cannot stand this aspect of city life, my town would be heaven. Plus, there is no such thing as noise pollution. In fact, this area is extremely calming and serene. This may be far from what he has seen in big cities where he has lived before.This may be a break from all the city noise and the fast paced lives of those around him.

The place I live is famous for its beauty. There are several breathtaking sceneries here, and is different from urban surroundings for sure. The weather is also pleasant. The climate is highly diverse and can be far from torrential rain in spring to heavy snow in winter. He may be shocked to see unbroken sunshine in summer next to light wind in autumn.

Of course, the city where he will come from is much more interesting than my hometown to some extents. He would always find new things in his city. However, the place where I live in would attract him. This town is really tranquil and peaceful. Besides, my hometown has several beautiful sceneries. In one word, I guess he is going to like his new place.Of course the city where he comes from will be much more interesting compared to my hometown to some extents. For one thing, he can always find new things in his city. However, that can get a little boring. A change in the environment might serve as a pleasant change. With the diverse climates, he would be able to enjoy climates from all parts of the world in one place. Even though my town can get a little boring, I'm sure my friend would enjoy himself here.

Not really sure what your topic is but your sentences are seriously fragmented. Above are some suggested changes.
shirleytse   
Sep 19, 2009
Undergraduate / Yale Supplement Essay - My Little Sculptors (tentative title) [6]

What's the question you are trying to answer. And I think you could start your essay off with something more interesting. Maybe you could put this as your first line.

"Próximo en fila, favor de reportarse"

Start your story off with a scene in the Jenny Craig's place and go on to explain why you were there and what made you decide you needed a change in your life.
shirleytse   
Sep 19, 2009
Undergraduate / "Most conversations with my classmates" - Umich short answer [3]

[A] "We know that diversity makes us a better university - better for learning, for teaching, and for conducting research."
(U-M President Mary Sue Coleman)
Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment
on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.

"What did you get on your test?"
"A 90, what did you get?
"Oh, that's great. I got a 95."
This was how most conversations went with my classmates. Coming from China, my parents strongly believed the key to success was to get high grades in school. And for many years, I shared their belief. Holding onto this principle, I breezed through elementary and junior high school, receiving honor rolls and academic achievement awards. Although I made friends with those less academically successful than me to boost my confidence, I looked down on them. Entering high school, however, I was in for a rude awakening. As usual, I was among the top students in almost all of my classes. This was true up until junior year. During junior year, I was placed in a Spanish class with a challenging teacher. Arrogantly, I assumed I would breeze through this course much as I had in other courses throughout the years. Boy was I wrong! I struggled in class, and struggled even more to keep my grades up. I knew I needed a tutor, but being my haughty self, I could not bring myself to admit. However, after receiving my first 70, I knew I needed help. Grudgingly, I asked one of my classmates to tutor me. With her help, my grades began to improve. In return, I tutored her in math. Although it was hard lesson, I learned that even though I excelled in certain areas, there were others who were just as smart as or even smarter than me. I accepted the fact that no one, not even me, knew everything. However, I also learned that while I was nowhere near a genius, I am capable of making important contributions as others have. While growing, in more ways than one, I would also be able to share my experience with others so that they may also grow as I have.
shirleytse   
Sep 19, 2009
Writing Feedback / Toefl Topic -- "A person you know is coming to your town" [5]

I don't really know what you mean by wrong. Is it grammatically wrong, yes most of it. And you posted this under undergraduate essays so I'm assuming its for college. And I don't think colleges would want anything less than your best. These revisions are what I thought you should revise your sentences to. It's what I thought, but it doesn't mean you have to change it. That's why I only crossed it out and not completely erased it. A lot of your sentences are repetitive. You say that the town is boring quite a lot, so I thought if you used different words it would sound better.
shirleytse   
Sep 19, 2009
Undergraduate / Ethical dilemma or risk - "Money solves all problems" [19]

Actually, my mother didn't force me to do anything. She guided me toward the right decision which is essentially what parents are here for. And as mentioned before I was seriously bothered by this situation and only needed a little encouragement to do what I felt was right. As said, it was an ethical dilemma as in I had to make a difficult decision. While my mother was a strong influence, ultimately the decision was up to me. I could have chosen to keep my job and let the punishments continue. And as to the issue, I'm not sure what you're referring to-the issue in the story or the issue of my personal accountability. Also could you point out the grammatical errors?
shirleytse   
Sep 21, 2009
Essays / Philisophical Essay Topic? Would it be appropriate? [8]

I think he should incorporate some of his personality into the paper if he is going to discuss these ideas. While personal essays are good, they tend to get a bit hackneyed. With a philisophical essay, the college would really be able to see how your friend thinks and whether it suits their college. However, it all depends on how you develop the essay.

leave some feedback on my essay for UMich
shirleytse   
Sep 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Learning more about me (academic successes) - My trip to Disney World [4]

We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations and accomplished your academic successes. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors caused you to grow? (800 word limit) *

"Where did you spend your summer vacation," my fourth grade teacher asked on the first day of school. Every hand in the room shot up-- every hand except for mine. I listened with envy as my fellow classmates shared stories of their trip to Disney World, sites they had seen in other countries and cruises they went on with their families.

My teacher turned to me and asked, "Shirley, what did you do this summer?"
"Nothing," I answered. My teacher looked at me for a moment and turned to another student. That day I went home, confused by what had occurred. Why had my teacher stared at me? Was it that appalling that I had spent my vacation at home? Should I have lied and said something else? Finding no answers I directed these questions to my mother. Her answers were rather shocking

That night, as my mother was chopping the vegetables, I asked her my questions. Without breaking the steady rhythm, she answered me bluntly, "Because we can't afford it."

I did not understand, "but all my friends went on such exciting vacations, why couldn't we?"
She put down the knife impatiently and turned to me. "You're different from other kids. They have families that can afford to take fancy vacations. Your family doesn't. If you want to take fancy vacations get high grades in school, get into college, and get rich; then we can go on fancy vacations." With that said, she turned back to chopping the vegetables. I stood there, in shock, still processing what had been said to me.

Then I suddenly screamed, "That's not fair!"
Without looking at me, my mother said, "Haven't you realized? Life isn't fair." I turned around and ran into my room, tears streaming down my face. I jumped on my bed kicking and throwing my pillows, letting out all my anger and frustration. I wanted to take fancy vacations. I wanted to go to Disney Land and see Mickey Mouse. I wanted to go somewhere other than the beach. I wanted to leave New York; I wanted to see what the world was like beyond the five boroughs. I ran to my mother with a decision made. In my most mature voice, I informed my mother, "I'm going to get super high grades in school, the highest grades ever seen. I'm going to be the best college person in the world. I'm going to get a lot of money and I'm going to go on all the vacations I want and travel all around the world."

My mother chuckled as she said, "don't forget to take me along."
I looked at her incredulously and exclaimed, "I would never forget you!" My mother embraced me tightly with tears streaming down her face.

I recorded that day in my diary fearing I would forget it as I got older. That was unnecessary; I could still remember every detail of that day, what I was wearing, what my mother was wearing, what my mother was chopping, and what my homework was that day.

From that day forward, I tried harder than ever to excel in school. As I grew older, the gap between other kids and me became apparent. I could not afford to keep up with the latest fashions in school. Instead I flaunted my hand-me-downs and knock-off book bags and purses. Although friends and school often reminded me of my financial status, it did not bother me. I knew that one day, all my hard work would pay off and I would be able to afford all the things I could not afford now. I would be able to buy fancy clothes and go on extravagant vacations. When I had my own family, I would be able to provide my children with the luxuries I couldn't have. And most importantly, I would be able to repay my mother for doing such a good job raising me, and all the hard work she's done to try and provide a home for my sister and me. Of course, my very first priority would be to take that vacation to Disney World!
shirleytse   
Oct 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Bump in the road/Environment influenced me [4]

Your essays are pretty good. For the first one, I think you should elaborate more on what was so inspirational about your mother because I think you focus more on the negative things your father did, so the last sentence doesn't really flow with the rest of the paragraph.

Only after much begging and payment in chores was I allowed to approach the lesser of the two music-makers.

I'm not reallly sure what this quote means.

Otherwise your essays are fine, but ease up on the SAT words a little.
shirleytse   
Oct 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Diligent. Inspirational. Open minded - Three words to describe me [5]

Diligent. Inspirational. Open minded. Look up these words in the dictionary and my picture would be next to each of them.
My motto has always been, "finish what you started". Because of my resolve, anyone and everyone can count on me to contribute a significant part in anything we do. No matter how hard a task may be, I am determined to see it through. My competitive nature allows me to embrace my work as a daily challenge. In a way, finishing my work is like beating a challenge and when is winning ever not fun?

The only thing more fulfilling than beating a challenge is how I beat it. This is when my creativity comes into play. Being presented with a new challenge brings me great excitement. Not only does it challenge my intellectuality, it challenges my inventiveness. Thinking of the numerous ways to approach a project is simply exhilarating. With my originality I know that I would be able to inspire others. When I look at a finished project, I can always say that no matter how small a contribution I made, it was a significant factor of the finishing product.

To be creative, I must consider all possibilities. This has led me to become very open-minded. Being narrow-minded can sometimes block the flow of creativity. Because of my flexibility I may be more open to approaching concepts others would shy away from. No matter how crazy an idea may seem, as long its beneficial I will see to it that it gets put to good use.

College is different from elementary, middle, and high school. College is a school where students learn through interaction and sharing ideas with each other. Students from all over the country and all over the world gather in one place, creating an extremely diverse community. The best way to learn is not by listening to professor in a classroom, but by talking with your diverse classmates. I am confident in that while learning from my classmates, my classmates will also learn from me.
shirleytse   
Oct 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Bump in the road/Environment influenced me [4]

Yeah,I think you should add another sentence or two toward the end explaining how she replaced your father and how she's a role model. And the vocab does sound a little forced.
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