Posts by dinidininta

dinidininta

Nov 8, 2018

Scholarship / Summary of proposed leadership activity - Endeavour Leadership Program [3]

2 years full-time program in Australia

Hello, this essay is 1/5 assessment criterion for Endeavour Leadership Program Australia. I would be very glad if anyone can give me some feedback or corrections. Thank you very much in advance.

Regards,
Dininta

Please summarise, in words that can be understood by a person outside your field, details of your proposed leadership activity, why you chose your proposed host organisation and what your proposed leadership activity is intended to achieve. Also provide details, including proposed dates and locations of any proposed fieldwork and/or internships. (300 words)

The Master of Information Technology offered by University of Technology Sydney is a 2 years full-time program that offers a wide range of specializations, from Business Information Systems to Data Analytics to Software Development. I will specialize in Software Development which aims to develop a thorough understanding of the advanced concepts of software development in a commercial and industrial environment.

As a Bachelor of Computer, I am aware that every company demands a software developer who is highly skilled, not only in theories, but also in practices. Therefore, it is important to obtain the qualifications in an institution whose goal is corresponding to the need of the companies.

University of Technology Sydney has an excellent reputation with its practice-oriented courses geared towards preparing graduates for careers in industry field. Furthermore, the university's deep connection with companies from a huge range of sectors allows various industry practitioners to share their extensive knowledge and expertise with students. Gaining further education from University of Technology Sydney will help me in building my career as a lead software developer in an IT company, as nowadays there is a growing number of companies and startups in my home country. Plus, it will also provide me with an insight into how the industries work and what value they are looking in graduates.

This program comprises of seven core subjects, six specialization subjects and three subjects combined from elective choice block and an IT project. One of the option for the IT project is Industry Project, in which students are required to undertake research on an industry based problem or scenario and develop an appropriate systems solution. Based on my commencement session, this project will start in March in the second year, and the related industry or project will be arranged concurrently.

dinidininta

Nov 8, 2018

Scholarship / Proposed leadership activity Monash university Applied linguistic [3]

Hi Haekal.
As for now, one of my concerns is for the third paragraph, because first, I cannot find the the relevance in previously taken courses to your reason in choosing applied linguistic as you only mention that your previous study will be a useful basic knowledge.

Second, I also failed to understand this part: "My future thesis ..." Do you mean that Monash offers second language acquisition course and it is helpful for your research?

If so, I think this perhaps will explain your point better: "My future ... students. One of the course offered by the program is Second Language Acquisition, which I believe will be very valuable for my future research."

Finally, while I believe this is only a draft, I think you should be careful with typos such as pronoun 'I' and 'Monash University' that should be in capital letter.

Best of luck!

dinidininta

Nov 9, 2018

Scholarship / Summary of proposed leadership activity - Endeavour Leadership Program [3]

Thank you so much for your feedback. I'll revise my essay.

dinidininta

Nov 14, 2018

Letters / Cover letter for applying Ph.D. in renewable energy technologies [3]

Hi, if you don't mind me giving feedback, I would like to point out some little grammar mistakes.
1. I graduated from Petroleum engineering .... or I am a graduate from ...

If it is a recent graduation, rather than using 'Currently' try using "I recently graduated from ...."

2. ... problems that arouse from global warming are ...

3. In the third sentence of second paragraph, I think it's better to use some conjunction to make the sentence more coherent. You can try different conjunction from this example, ones that really convey the meaning of your sentence => ... encountered with, because serious impact ... is dissolvable, so we need to ...

4. ... and the key to solve ....

5. "... more efficient and environmentally ...." => 'environmentally' is an adverb, you have to pair the word with an adjective to match with the word 'efficient' which is an adjective

6. "working on Hydrogen ..." => 'working' her should be replaced by 'work' because this sentence is made up from two sentence with the conjunction 'as well as' so the tenses must be the same. The word pair in the first sentence is 'have' therefore it should be followed by 'work'

7. to think inversely about the solutions or to think inversely to find the solutions

I think that's all. Best of luck!

dinidininta

Nov 14, 2018

Scholarship / University of Technology Sydney will assist my professional development and career [2]

Hello, this essay is 2/5 assessment criterion for Endeavour Leadership Program Australia. I would be very glad if anyone can give me some feedback or corrections. Thank you very much in advance.

Regards,
Dininta

DEVELOPMENT OF INDIVIDUALS' KNOWLEDGE AND EXPERTISE
Explain how the proposed activity will assist your professional development

During the third year of my undergraduate study, I had the opportunity to work as an intern in the information technology department of a local bank in my hometown. I got to work closely with senior employees within the department and learn the real responsibility of a member in a company-level IT team. This experience, among others, taught me the demand of highly skilled software developers. A software developer is required to possess the skill of programming, database, testing and how to implement those to boost business development in a company. Fortunately, I have gained the fundamental and technical expertise from my undergraduate studies. However, there is an abundant amount of IT graduates out there, hence if I want to stand out from the others, I need to further develop my expertise.

The Master of Information Technology program in University of Technology Sydney offers courses like Enabling Enterprise Information System, Enterprise Business Requirements, and Enterprise Software Testing that will provide me with a better principles and practices of enterprise-level skill of software development, testing, and business. These courses fulfilled all the qualifications required in a software developer. UTS also offers capstone projects that aim to improve students' senior management and communication skills, two essential qualifications that I need to prepare as a future leader in my field work. Regarding the development of my professional connections and experiences, as a graduate from University of Technology Sydney I am eligible to apply for professional-level membership of Australian Computer Society. The organization's comprehensive programs and researches combined with huge member of computer science experts will facilitate me in advancing my professional excellence.

Overall, I believe that University of Technology Sydney will assist my professional development and career as a leader in the information technology industry both in my home country and the international.

dinidininta

Nov 14, 2018

Writing Feedback / Deforestation is happening in many parts of the world, what can be done to solve this problem? [3]

Hello, if you don't mind, I would like to point out some grammar corrections for you.

1. "but people, all over ..." => I am confused by this sentence. I think you what you mean by this sentence is that People all over the world collectively take advantages from cutting down the trees. If that's so, I think you should use another word instead of 'felling'.

2. I think paragraph 2 is better if you rewrite it to something like this:
"Logging companies cut trees to make ...
But we can be less ..."

In the last sentence, I think the usage of word 'yet' is not suitable because 'yet' has a slightly different meaning than 'but', like it has a more shocking effect in contradicting the previous sentence. Hence it is better to use 'but'.

3. Paragraph 3
"... taxes on companies that consume a ...
... by planting sapling to replace ...
This way, enterprises would be ..."

4. I am not really convinced that paragraph 4 is appropriate to answer the prompt. The prompt asks about solutions to prevent deforestation and I don't think plastic bags is relevant to the problem. The second point about newspaper and cloth napkins is fine I guess.

Perhaps you can replace the first point by discussing about how individuals can help to push the creation of deforestation law by actively advising their government.

I think that's all. Best of luck!

dinidininta

Nov 14, 2018

Writing Feedback / Memoir - writing sample (first day at school) [3]

@babi130294
Hello, I would like to give some feedback to your essay.

1. I think it's more effective if it's rewritten like this:
"... about themselves as well as more opportunities"

2. This part could be changed like this. I feel like using 'even though'/'although' would better convey your point about the advantage of moving to Canada even though it's difficult at first.

"In the end, people ... opportunities. Even though it takes a lot effort ... moves, ~~but~~ I could not have imagined ..."

dinidininta

Nov 14, 2018

Scholarship / Set out the skills and attributes you possess that will enable you to develop as a leader [2]

Hello, this essay is 3/5 assessment criterion for Endeavour Leadership Program Australia. I would be very glad if anyone can give me some feedback or corrections. Thank you very much in advance.

Regards,
Dininta

DEVELOPMENT OF LEADERSHIP SKILLS.
Set out the skills and attributes you possess that will enable you to use this opportunity to develop as a leader in your field.
Explain how the proposed activity will develop your leadership skills and build on your ability to contribute to your study, training, research or professional field on your return to your home country.

My leadership skill in information technology field has been built ever since the first year of my undergraduate study. One of my very first taste of leadership experience was when I got assigned as the group leader in multiple course projects. Every time I was handed the responsibility, I always focused on managing equal division of tasks according to the skill of each member.

In fourth semester, I formed and led a study group consisted of some of my classmates that aims to gain more knowledge and skills outside classes by competing in numerous regional and national IT competitions. All hard works and failures that we endured along the years were paid off when we won the National Hackathon in 8th Annual Computer Festival by Universitas Indonesia. Afterwards, I decided to extend my leadership skill through teaching experience, hence in 2017 I became the laboratory assistant of Visual Programming course for second year diploma students. My competition and teaching experiences have shaped the fundamental skills and attributes inside me to become a future leader in my field. I learned a great deal about people management, determination, programming skills beyond ones that were taught in classes, even personal and emotional control.

Upon returning to Indonesia, I plan to launch a successful career in a national IT company before finally serving back to teach in my alma mater, Universitas Sriwijaya. I believe that conducting my proposed activity in University of Technology Sydney through the Endeavour Leadership Program will bring me to a whole another level of leadership experience because I will be faced with a different and a more competitive environment. I am confident that the ideas and cultural exchange which I will gain by learning and interacting among diverse and highly determined international students will assist me to achieve my goal.

dinidininta

Nov 15, 2018

Writing Feedback / It is true that consumers could purchase goods at lower cost these days [3]

Hi, I might have some corrections for you.

1. The grammar correction for this sentence "... prices has substantial benefit for purchasers.

'Substantially' is an adverb and 'beneficial' is an adjective. They don't work together. You need a noun preceded by adjective.

2. I don't think the example you provided in the first paragraph works with the previous explanation. You explained that cheaper price of goods provides the advantage of being able to purchase different types of goods for buyer. But you used the example that says everyone can afford smartphone.

3. I have tried to rewrite the third paragraph as shown below
... believe that there are more disadvantages for consumers within the idea of buying cheaper products. Firstly, numerous manufacturers use unsafe materials in their products, which may put customers in jeopardy. For example, the fast-foods in Vietnam street often serves inedible foods made by spoiled or unhygienic ingredients and results in customers experiencing digestive disease or food poisoning. Furthermore, there are manufacturers of electronic devices such as computers and telephones that uses low-cost materials and produces fragile products. As a result, people sometimes have to waste money to keep repairing them or ...

Hope it helps.

dinidininta

Nov 15, 2018

Undergraduate / My story; I moved to the United States from Ghana, a small West African country [4]

Hi kimberly, this is a very inspiring essay. If you don't mind, I have few corrections for you.

1. ... could drive me to Sephora and she denied.

2. ... her for different requests such as ....

3. she started taking online accounting classes, determined to ...

I added the comma before the word 'determined' as to avoid any confusion with the other verb in the same sentence ('started').

Other than that, I think your essay has been perfectly written.

dinidininta

Nov 15, 2018

Scholarship / How the proposed activity will enhance collaborative partnerships with key institutions in Indonesia [2]

internationalisation of Australia's education, training and research sectors

Hello, this essay is 4/5 assessment criterion for Endeavour Leadership Program Australia. I would be very glad if anyone can give me some feedback or corrections. Thank you very much in advance.

Regards,
Dininta

ENHANCING THE INTERNATIONALISATION OF AUSTRALIA'S EDUCATION, TRAINING AND RESEARCH SECTORS.
Explain how the proposed activity will enhance collaborative partnerships with key institutions in Indonesia.
Describe how these partnerships will strengthen the capacity of Australia's education, training and research sectors.
Outline any anticipated educational, social, economic or other benefits.

According to Indonesian Ministry of Communication and Information Technology, Indonesia is still facing a problem of human resources deficiency in the information technology field. The quality of information technology education in Indonesia itself is placed in 8th position among the South East Asian countries. Therefore, I chose to equip myself with a higher quality education provided by University of Technology Sydney, Australian leading university for Information Technology.

Completing the proposed activity in UTS will be able to help not only in providing valuable human resource for Indonesia, but also in opening the door for collaboration between UTS and institutions or companies in Indonesia, since I plan to work as a software developer in a domestic IT company in Indonesia upon completing the activity before coming back to my hometown and teach in my alma mater.

Australia has lent a major support for Indonesia in several sectors. For example, in IT field, Australia aided Indonesia in establishing the Aeronautical Fixed Telecommunication Network, a project intended to address exchange of digital data amongst Indonesia's civil aviation systems. Hopefully, this bilateral bond will be further expanded with the help of UTS extensive research experience in next-generation IT services and applications for Australia. By learning the UTS history of partnership with Australian government, I can apply the knowledge as the primary example in my future workplace to support the Indonesian government.

I believe through the Endeavour Leadership Program, I can represent and support Australia to strengthen its capacity as the lead direction for Indonesia and ASEAN in developing their education and research sector, particularly in information technology field. Eventually, when Indonesia has fulfilled its demand for human resources, we can complete the mission of equal implementation of information technology in all area and provide the people with good governance resulting in equal economic development.