Graduate / Personal Application Statement of Msc electronic information engineering [2]

Since this is an academic paper, please remove such statements as "As a matter of fact" and "In the short run" as this is not needed. Be specific and direct in your application statement. You have revealed your passion for the program which is of importance. After corrections are made please review the document and ensure that you have to grammatic errors. I wish you success as you move forward with your education. Good job!

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for M.Sc in Computer Science - Germany [2]

There are a few changes that are suggested in able to allow clarity to your application letter.

In paragraph three Change to: both my interest and work experience.

In paragraph four change : to I became more curious.

In paragraph five change to while working there.

In paragraph five change to: this academic knowledge and industrial experiences have

In paragraph six change to: The almost free educational system offered in Germany is the most exemplary in the world

In paragraph six change to: Almost 35% of the students studying in Germany are from all over the world.

In paragraph seven should just be stressed up

In paragraph seven the sentence "I try cope up with any surrounding ... behind" needs to be re-written or possibly removed as the meaning is unclear.

Graduate / Goal of study and study plan for Korean university application [4]

This comments are just some suggestions that may help you in the creation of a stronger essay. For the beginning I would start out something like this:

"A visit to a hospital made me wonder why many people tend to become sick while having to go to many different clinics seeing many doctors while there are others who appear to be healthy only encountering such illnesses as the flu". Then you could rearrange your questions to enhance the meaning of what you are attempting to discuss.

In paragraph four change "learn it from the best." to learn the language from those who know the language best. In that same paragraph change "There is nothing that ... in the language: to While most things do not come easy, I desire to put forth the needed effort to become proficient in the language......

In paragraph five you begin with "Following which my main goal ... my basics" could be changed to My primary goal is to study the basics or something along this line. The key to successful writing in academics is to focus on clarity as well as simplicity.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: The benefits of multigenerational workplace [3]

Just a few questions that when answered will strengthen what has been written. What do you mean by "While the creativity of the young blows new air to any business projects,"? Clarify this statement.

Paragragh two is very strong. Elaborate on the advantages of senior and younger people sharing ideas. Two or three examples would be beneficial since you own a company with people in this age group. The paper is good but could be made stronger by adding a few more examples.

Writing Feedback / Inventing computers as one of the most crucial human's achievements for the last hundred years [2]

In paragraph one should be humans have contributed for the last hundred years or if you want to say this differently, please do so.

In paragraph one "human's life throughout their ... in human's life" needs to be rewritten to bring clarity.

In paragraph three "Besides, actually there are many different" you could use besides or actually but not both words together at the beginning of the sentence. In the same paragraph should read Typically, the computer is really. Take the time to re-read the work to ensure that you have clarity in what is being written.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Causes and Solutions of Obesity and decreasing Health [3]

Overall, this is an excellent essay with your being direct in sharing the reasons for the issues and the measures for correction. In paragraph two it might be good to say 'the government must....." Good job....

Scholarship / Build Indonesia's Potential Through Border Economic Potential [3]

In paragraph one, make the first sentence at least two sentences to be clear in your writing. Also in paragraph one where you write "it caught my attention" there is not clarity in what caught your attention. Please re-write that sentence. I would suggest that you review the entire document as your sentences are either too long or begin thoughts that are not completely explained. You have a very good thought process but the words and the thoughts need to be written clearly.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2: Discuss about advantages and disadvantages of private medical services. [4]

In paragraph two, the word cure should be cures as you are discussing more than one patient.
In paragraph three remove it seems to me. While the discussion is a personal perspective the focus is on the opinion versus you. The paper is well supported with information that aids in the understanding of what you have written. Good job!

Letters / "Astana Garden School" program - Motivation Letter for Scholarship [3]

In paragraph one change crucial part of to personal asset to. Also spell out the numbers versus using them (example 3 years should be three years).

In paragraph two should read my teachers helped me to become interested in the English language. Also in paragraph two it should read My teachers explained to me that to be an altruist is of benefit enabling the development of self. The last sentence in paragraph two should read I really appreciate what my teachers have taught me and I desire to meet their expectations.....

Paragraph three - My plans for the next two years....... and I want to receive the highest scores...I plan to volunteer ...I would like to meet students with common goals ...But the most important expectation is that

In paragraph four - to have such an opportunity

Writing Feedback / Essay topic: Developments in the field of artificial intelligence - a positive impact for the future [2]

In paragraph one - some individuals... A.I. ....I would argue that the computer can be wiser than humans.

In paragraph two - beneficial for humans today...... commonly multitasking performing many tasks simulteneously. ... Secondly, computers could replace humans....various projects that people find challenging to include analysing the air or soil.

In paragraph three - computer's intelligence causes people's to fear losing jobs. Remove the word up after soar....computers have the ability to work continually without making mistakes... after the word position place the punctuation of a period and capitalize the word moreover and remove the word that

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 2] Longer Prison Sentences And Other Solutions. Best way to reduce crime rate [2]

In paragraph two, give at least two examples of criminals who were converted into model citizens and cite that information which will strengthen the argument.

In paragraph three, give at least two examples that the Scandinavia's have used to lower the recidivism rate which will strengthen the argument. Always remember that when presenting an argument, there is the need to support the stance that you are taking.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: more young people in society - evaluation of this trend [4]

In the last paragraph the sentence should begin with In spite of the above-mentioned considerations, I believe that the advantages of having a more younger......

The last sentence in paragraph three could read This saved money could be better utilized in educational programmes allowing younger adults to gain access........

Scholarship / "limited educational backgrounds in Korean language" - Personal Statement for GKS 2020 [2]

Paragraph one - change to "her words caused me to flashback. I could use my past to help her today" or something along this line. You need to be clear in what is being said.....I found the Korean language with a desire to be more expressive in ways I could never express in English. Remove "and push myself" as this statement is redundant. Also change and say "to push myself beyond expectations." Remove "as well after GKS."

In paragraph two, make the second sentence a minimum of two sentences as this is a very long thought. "...help my students to enjoy the class" which completes the sentence. "things that could go wrong." Change I made sure to I ensured and taught me how teaching development.....

In paragraph three change "I have found it difficult.." Change to "kept studying Korean" .... The last sentence should be at least two sentences.

In paragraph four ...about the barriers of teaching the Korean language.......lack of understanding concerning the teaching of the Korean......teaching methods that were more effective. So, I performed research on the curriculum of ....... I found many subjects that would be of benefit to my becoming .......

In the last paragraph remove the word totally....

Writing Feedback / Radiologist Informative Essay for English I [2]

In paragraph one last sentence ...and the types of jobs that are available.

In paragraph two, paraphrase the sentences versus using direct quotes. Begin now learning how to paraphase sentences because as you continue your education there will be assignments where you will be asked NOT to use direct quotes. ....it is important to have knowledge concerning medicine........ .....Change The levels of education people in this career to The level of......................

In paragraph three, paraphrase the sentences versus using direct quotes. Change this kind of radiologist to this type of radiologist....

In paragraph four change They must be patient to Radiologists must be..........Change After they have earned to After earning a degree, a radiologist can accomplish......

Undergraduate / What Harker Heights athletics has meant to me [2]

In paragraph one remove the words "of mine" and "as well." Remove the comma after teamwork and place a comma after Personally. Remove the word "did" placing a period after brother. Capitalize T in They. The last sentence of the paragraph to "In time, soccer bacame routine with practice after school four days weekly".

In paragraph two the first sentence should read something like "Upon entering Harker Heights, sports began to influence my life while also influencing my values".......

Change I learned the value of to Teamwork skills were learned from running.........change "simply do their best" to simply do the best......change to "numerous teams learning the importance of working and supporting thereby contributing to team success."

In paragraph three begin the sentence with "In my senior year"........I had to lead by example with academics being of importance....

In paragraph four, but has also enabled me to learn many........change where I got to where I had the ability to spend time....The last sentence could read "these values have been instilled in me and will be used throughout my college career and future.........

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: agree or disagree: the national or international literature and history [3]

In paragraph two write "to teach local literature." Remove the comma after invaders. Remove "From that" and write This knowledge would cause a positive attitude....The last sentence ....and the United States helping them understand.....

In paragraph three remove "of it" and write .."characteristics of other countries helping the children....." ...could gain insight into the personality of the Russian people.... Change the last sentence to read "With this knowledge when becoming adults, children could make the decision to live in Russia or cooperate with........

Your paper is very good and I agree with your point.

Scholarship / Australia Awards Scholarship Supporting Statement (Public Health) [3]

In paragraph two - understand their position so they can ... during the policy-making process. Change in my situation to "At this time I am......

I am working ... professionals who are at times are not confident when talking with....... The result is a lack of amount of money......as the money is allocated......remove the word "my" in the last sentence and change skill to skills.

In paragraph three change to skills. Based on these reasons, .....

Writing Feedback / Issue Essay for GRE AWA section - All too often, companies hire outside consultants to suggest .... [3]

For the opening paragraph, perhaps you could begin with something like this:
Many times in hiring outside consultants there can be an increase of organizational issues, especially when considering the tremendous fees that are incurred based on the knowledge of the consultant. Perhaps meeting with the employees, supervisors and managers senior leadership could learn more about the problems with the employees making suggestions on what could be done to correct those issues.

In paragraph two remove the word "ness" after bias. Remove etc. after BCG.....remove gone through and replace with resolved as well as .......

In paragraph three write in the China market.......in order to increase market share by effectively blending into the Chinese culture to increase sales.......an outside consultant...helped the company discover the reason for decreased sales while also providing ......If the company had listened to ....change exist to exit.....

In paragraph four remove the word "own" ....there may not be the need for consultants .......can often cost the company......

Example: If Enron and WorldCom had exercised ethical behavior while also having financial accounts verified by external consultants, the financial scandals could have been avoided.

The last paragraph should read something like: While consultants can be effective in assisting organizations in solving problems, ......

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Is direct actions or donation of money more preferable to help someone? [3]

In paragraph one remove the last two words.... replace the word "bit" to assistance directly to those in need.......This essay discusses each preference giving a.......

In paragraph two ...find it highly rewarding to see.......change the word "besides" to other than.......my classmates cooked meals.......

In paragraph three ....from offering personal help....As much as they desire......to support people needing help in society......to personally volunteer.....place as "s" on asset

In paragraph four Personally, I favor....method allows the distribution of on a larger scale......place a period after community removing the other words.

In the last paragraph ... donate allowing a charity to be a global partner.