Undergraduate / My World and Background + My Favorite Personal Quality --- UC Essay! [10]

Hi everyone! If you don't mind, would you please critique and proofread the second draft of my UC Personal Statement? I'm not sure if there is anything to change or not; I want to get as many opinion as I can on it. Thanks in advance! =)

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Essay # 1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

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The great author Alex Haley once said "In every conceivable manner, the family is the link to our past and the bridge to our future". I have found this statement to hold true in the case of my family. They are the ones who I share my most cherished memories with, and the ones who inspired me the most to follow my dreams.

I grew up in a loving, close-knit household. My first home was shared with both my parents and my father's parents, making my first years of life some of my most precious. One of my earliest memories is of sitting with my grandmother and discussing the wonders of the Earth and its inhabitants. My grandmother was and still is a deeply religious person, and from her is where I gained much of my curiosity about both the natural and preternatural worlds. On the other hand, I inherited a strong interest in the sciences from my grandfather, who is a scientist himself. He still inspires me to this day to pursue research science as a career.

My parents, who are some of the most caring, understanding, and responsible people in the world, have also made a great impact on my life. They have been my greatest heroes ever since I was a small child. Everything they have ever done for me has been for my own benefit, which is why they always pushed me to do my best in school. I know my parents hold high expectations of me, and I am thankful for this because it always gives me the motivation to do my best and live up to their dreams as well as mine.

Also, because of the nature of my father's career as a financial consultant, I had the chance to live in three different countries on three different continents throughout my life: Pakistan, where I was born; USA, where I spent the majority of my life; and South Africa, where I lived for four years during the latter half of my elementary-school years. Each place I have lived in has enriched me on both a cultural and intellectual level; the multicultural childhood I had has made me even more of a unique person. Because of my wonderful experiences in the countries I have lived in, I now have the dream to one day travel the world simply for the sake of knowledge and experience.

Two other family members that have profoundly affected me as a person are my younger brothers. Without even realizing it they have pushed me to become a better person. Being a good role-model for my impressionable siblings has always been important to me. For this reason, I always strive hard in everything I do so that I can set a good example.

My family as a whole has been the primary influence on who I am as an individual today. I would not have been able to live up to my full potential had it not been for their love and guidance. I feel more thankful every day that they were the people I got stuck with on this world!

(520 words)

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Essay # 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

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A personal quality I possess that I am extremely proud of is open-mindedness. I try never to judge anything based on first impressions, I am never afraid to investigate new ideas, and I can easily tolerate other people despite their flaws and idiosyncrasies. The music and art that I enjoy the most is that which is avant-garde, imaginative, and unusual. These traits I possess relate both to the way I see the world and the way the world sees me.

As an individual, I always make it a point to stay true to myself and be unique. My idealistic nature leads me constantly improve myself as I open up to new ideas. For example, early in 2009, I became a vegetarian entirely for ethical reasons. I take pride in this particular aspect of myself because I feel like I am making a positive impact on the world. However, I never impose my views onto anyone since I respect their opinions. I believe that everyone has the right to choose who they are for themselves.

To be a successful scientist, open-mindedness is essential. Usually the greatest discoveries are those that seem strange at first! The idea of the Sun revolving around the Earth used to be normal, but we all know it is not thanks to Polish scientist Nicolaus Copernicus. Back in the 16th century, his hypotheses were unusual, and even considered heretical by some. Even so, they were proven true later on, and are now common knowledge. This alone is proof that only through open-mindedness can science progress and advance. I know that since I have the right personality I will be successful in this field.

(276 words)

-- (Total: 796 Words) -

Undergraduate / Environmentalism and Leonardo da Vinci - The Common App Short Answer and Essay [10]

Hey everyone, I would really appreciate a critique on these two pieces I wrote for the Common Application:

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Essay # 1: In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) - (150 words or fewer).
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The heat was almost unbearable that afternoon, but I remained stoic because I knew that day was important. It was finally time for the first event that the Environmental Society at my school had organized: a hiking trail clean-up. Using only garbage bags, shears, and gardening gloves we managed to clear up many of the malignant weeds growing in the area, and we also managed to liberate the trail of much of the litter it had accumulated over the years.

I had signed up for the society hoping to assist the group with its noble environmentalist endeavors; fortunately we accomplished more after the clean-up. Joining the society and participating in its activities was an enriching experience. I truly felt like I was helping save the world, and making a few good friends on the way was a wonderful bonus.

(139 Words)

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Essay #2: Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

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Reading Dan Brown's bestseller The Da Vinci Code intrigued me greatly and made me wonder: could Leonardo da Vinci really have been intelligent enough to have hidden all those secret codes in his artworks? Of course, I realized Brown's novel was a work of fiction, but the imaginative story he had crafted inspired me to research da Vinci and learn more about this enigmatic polymath. Upon reading more about da Vinci, it dawned on me that he was the archetypal figure of who I wanted to be.

Leonardo da Vinci was the epitome of a Renaissance Man. Not only was he an accomplished visual artist, but he was also widely recognized for his breakthroughs in science and engineering. Much like da Vinci, my interests lie in both the humanities and the sciences. Even though I would prefer to choose research science as a career, I still hold a deep appreciation for the arts and their beneficial effect on the human psyche.

Da Vinci's seemingly superhuman ingenuity was evident in his detailed diagrams and essays. Long before proper calculators were even invented he had already made his own prototype, which he called an Adding Machine. He even had ideas down to build a helicopter! These amazing facts inspired me to look into a research-based career. I dream of one day making a breakthrough discovery to help humankind; even laying the groundwork for future discoveries would fulfill my aspirations. My hopes of contributing to society in such a way motivate me to always do my best.

A somewhat little-known fact about da Vinci was that he was a vegetarian entirely for ethical reasons. Back in his time, that was extremely rare. Da Vinci was one of the many great thinkers I admired, along with the likes of fellow vegetarians Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein, who inspired me to become a vegetarian myself. He taught me that being yourself and standing up for what you believe in is much more rewarding than conforming to society's sometimes cruel standards. Becoming a vegetarian has been truly liberating and I feel like I'm making a positive impact on the world even by doing something as small as this. Hopefully I can inspire others in the future just like da Vinci inspired me.

Today, even centuries after da Vinci's death, he still lives on through his accomplishments. His paintings Mona Lisa and The Last Supper are still two of the most widely recognized and loved pieces of art in the entire world. His sketch entitled Vitruvian Man has become a universal symbol for the human body. I know that I want to be the same way. Not famous exactly, but significant. I yearn to explore the frontiers of science, especially biology. Being remembered for my achievements, however small, would be an honor. Hopefully I can contribute to the progress of humankind just like the great Leonardo da Vinci!

Undergraduate / Why I chose Biology - The Johns Hopkins Supplemental Essay [NEW]

Hey everyone, I would appreciate any critiques or comments about my freshman applicant supplemental essay to Johns Hopkins University. Thanks!

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Interest in molecular and cellular biology

My youngest brother is one of the most inquisitive children I have ever met. He never fails to amaze me with how much he wants to learn about the world. One day he asked me why children look like their parents, and I did my best to explain the concept of DNA. I still remember the spark of wonderment that lit his eyes as I spoke. I thought to myself: By the time he's an adult, scientists will already know so much more about the mysteries of life. Then, everything that we think is complex now will seem so simple. I wonder what it would be like to be one of the scientists responsible for making such discoveries?

In high school, I had the opportunity to learn about a number of different subjects, but the one that captivated me the most was Biology. As a child I had dreamed of being an astronomer and researching the vast, mysterious universe that we live in, but I realized later on that Biology was just as amazing. Earth's organisms never failed to enthrall me with their seemingly infinite complexity. I knew throughout high school, where I took GCE O-level and A-level science courses, that I wanted to be one of the researchers exploring the frontiers of science.

I plan on majoring in Biology if I get admitted into Johns Hopkins University, and by the end of my final year I hope to receive a Bachelors of Science Degree. The reason I decided to apply to Johns Hopkins was because of its high rank as a private university, its emphasis on extensive research, its dedicated faculty and student body, and its excellent, broad-based curriculum. Also, molecular and cellular biology are of great interest to me; this university's B.S. program in Biology is just what I was looking for. I feel that attending Johns Hopkins would put me on the right path to success.

Undergraduate / Why Columbia and My Upbringing - The Columbia Short Answer and Essay [20]

Hi everyone =) First of all let me just admit that I took some sentences and even whole paragraphs from my UC essay and put it into the Columbia essay. Please tell me if these points are still appropriate to use and relevant to the prompt. Oh, and I'm pretty sure the character limit for the first essay - "Why Columbia" - is 600 characters. Thanks in advance!!

Oh and one more question, is my format ok, or should I write it in the style of a narrative?

Essay # 1: Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why.

When my guidance counselor recommended me to add "at least one Ivy" to my list of universities, I added Columbia without hesitation. Though I plan to major in a biological science, I think the Core Curriculum will provide me with critical skills in the humanities as well. Also, the comprehensive biology curriculum at Columbia College matches all my needs and interests when it comes to what I ultimately want to pursue. With amazing academics, a central location, and a diverse student body, Columbia University is a perfect fit for me.

(449 characters - without spaces)
(538 characters - with spaces)
(Which character count is the right one to consider?)

Essay #2: Write an essay which conveys to the reader a sense of who you are. Possible topics may include, but are not limited to, experiences which have shaped your life, the circumstances of your upbringing, your most meaningful intellectual achievement, the way you see the world-the people in it, events great and small, everyday life-or any personal theme which appeals to your imagination. Please remember that we are concerned not only with the substance of your prose but with your writing style as well. We prefer that you limit yourself to approximately 250-500 words (or 1-2 pages).

"We're all connected!" exclaimed my biology teacher, her eyes gleaming vivaciously. Thus began her lecture on DNA. I listened raptly and tried to digest the complex idea that information could be stored chemically. I had always been intrigued by the notion that we are all one, and now science was proving it. Quantum physics and genetics, for example, have shed light on this amazing concept.

Ever since I was young, I have always been astonished by the intricacies of life and the universe. I used to wonder whether or not I had a special purpose on Earth, and where exactly I fit into the grand scheme of things. When I came to the realization that all life is interconnected, I felt both humbled and proud simultaneously. I knew that I was a small part of something big, and that feeling was immensely empowering. I wanted to know all there is to know and to see all there is to see.

Living in the USA, South Africa, and Pakistan has complemented my love of new experiences, and having a multicultural childhood has enriched me greatly on many levels. Going to school in each nation has opened me up to all kinds of people. I had the opportunity of experiencing diversity in so many ways by meeting individuals with all kinds of interests and viewpoints. To know that we are all linked is a wonderful feeling.

I do my best to follow the golden rule and treat others like I would want to be treated. After all, we are all related in some way. Keeping an open mind about everyone and everything, though difficult at times, has always been a personal goal of mine. I try my hardest to respect life in all its forms, hence why I believe in animal rights, including those of humans (humans are animals too)!

When I inevitably pass away, I know that I will want to be remembered most for the effect I will have had on this world and the lives I will have benefited through my accomplishments. Knowing through personal experience, as in the case of my education, that I can only make a positive impact if I work hard enough, I strive to excel at everything I do. My enthusiasm for science, specifically biology, has inspired me to pursue research science as a career. I yearn to explore the frontiers of molecular biology, biochemistry, and genetics; to be involved in such a field is a dream of mine. Hopefully, with diligence and perseverance, I could one day be responsible for another discovery that would help humankind advance.

Working for the good of humanity and keeping its vital interconnectedness intact is one of my most compelling aspirations. If everyone on Earth were to know that we are all bound to each other while still remaining unique, the world might be a better place. I endeavor to do my part in hopes of achieving something great - for me, and for us.

(496 words)

Undergraduate / "We're moving." -School Life and Diversity - The University of Washington Essays [15]

Hi everyone. Let me just say that these essays are definitely not my greatest work, but I hope that they are adequate enough. Let's just say that in my current situation I was not in the best condition to write. It's not that I had procrastinated, but there have been many things going on, out of my control, that have affected me... adversely. Anyway I did my best given what I'm going through and hope these essays are ok, and I would really appreciate a critique of them. Thanks.

Essay #1:Discuss how your family's experience or cultural history enriched you or presented you with opportunities or challenges in pursuing your educational goals. (500-650 words)

"We're moving."

These words have been solemnly spoken to me more often, perhaps, than to most other youths growing up. Now, looking back at my life, I can wholeheartedly thank my parents for giving me the multicultural childhood they did. With each school came different opportunities for growth. I had a multitude of chances to experience positive change and I learned to adapt to all kinds of situations.

I started elementary school in the USA, in the city of Alexandria, Virginia after moving there from my hometown of Islamabad, Pakistan. Living in a small, idyllic neighborhood and attending a traditional public school in the beginning gave me a real head-start in terms of my education. Having had relatively small-sized classes and caring teachers allowed me to grow substantially during those vital early years. I had the chance to be a member of a gifted program in 1st grade as well, which was proof that my elementary school in Alexandria had an encouraging environment that provided me with an array of opportunities and let me live up to my potential as a young student.

In the summer before starting 3rd grade, my father received a promising job offer from a company in South Africa. Naturally, he seized the opportunity and we moved there promptly after his acceptance. Attending a private international school there was a significant change for me. However, it was one of the greatest experiences of my life. In terms of education, my school there was top-notch. They placed equal importance on all subjects, and gave me my first taste of foreign language class. Being international, the school had a very diverse group of students and teachers. I made friends with children from all around the world there; this exposed me to a plethora of different cultures and helped me develop open-mindedness to different types of people.

When I started middle school in 7th grade, my family had moved back to the US, once again in accordance with my father's career. I was back a public school, and at first I loathed it. It took some time for me to properly assimilate from small, close-knit classes into substantially larger ones. After finally accomplishing the daunting task of making friends and doing well in classes again, I realized I had personally transformed by becoming more extroverted. Despite this, educationally, my middle school years were quite satisfying. The school was well-equipped with good teachers and classroom facilities. I had the chance to take some unusual classes that expanded my way of thinking.

Finally, my high school years were spent in Pakistan, the country of my birth and nationality. The transition into a private local school here was, in many ways, the hardest I had to make. The style of schooling, based on the British EdExcel GCE O-level and A-level system, was difficult to get used to, because of its rigor and curriculum. Also, as I attempted to blend into the Pakistani students' crowd, I discovered that I was more of an outsider than I had ever been. Once again, as I had in the move to the USA, I had to learn to open up and develop more self-esteem if I wanted to have the best school experience possible. I am proud to say that I have been successful, and now I truly appreciate the high level of education I received in Pakistan.

In conclusion, I feel immensely grateful for having had such a multifarious life. It is not an easy thing to move, to leave beloved friends and cherished homes behind, sometimes only to exist as memories; but I can personally attest to the fact that it can all pay off in the end. My family's journey has provided me with a wide scope of enriching experiences that have made me more cultured and cosmopolitan as a person - something that I am quite proud of.

(645 words)

Essay #2:The University of Washington seeks to create a community of students richly diverse in cultural backgrounds, experiences, and viewpoints. How would you contribute to this community? (Recommended length: 250 words)

Eyes twinkling with delight, my brother gazed in awe at the small black fish flitting around the enormous aquarium. It was the only one of its kind, hence why it got the most glances from my brother and me; being different was what made it so interesting.

Being an individual is one of the most difficult things to accomplish in a world where conformity is the easiest route. I have always done my best to try nonetheless. Being open-minded, non-judgmental, and tolerant of everyone is one of my most compelling ...

(247 words)